On Monday I had the follow up after the neuropsychological evaluation with Dr. She. Nothing terribly surprising to me but a few things surprising to her, like my reading comprehension is lower than she expected. I agree and this is a source of some grief and frustration since it is a task that is still noticeably more difficult than it was prior to the auto accident. My reading comprehension has always been very good to excellent but after the first TBI I believe I had a marked decrease because throughout my life after that I have been a slower reader and much more easily distracted by my thoughts thus I often had to reread things. Yet, it has never been as difficult as it has been since the car accident. It has improved and sometimes my power of concentration on reading is better than others, but it is noticeably lower, which is annoying.
My cognitive stamina showed to be lower and my processing speed is lower. This is, again, something that I know was a bit lower prior to the car accident but is noticeably lower after the car accident. The strange thing is, immediately after, some of my processing speed actually seemed quicker for a bit. Now I am just slower.
To be clear, I am not slower or lower than the average person in most of these deficits of mine, I am just significanlty slower and lower than would be expected based on the measures of my intelligence. My verbal language something-or-other is also lower than to be expected but, again, not surprising due to the location of my injuries. I have long felt I struggle to articulate to my level of intelligence.
Anyway a bit of rambling that I did not really come to write about. I think this may be some avoidance...
So into the meat, my real purpose today.
A couple of things on the report upset me. It was the language and explanation of my results according to the Millon Clinical Multiaxial Inventroy test. I knew when I was taking the test what some of the questions were getting at and I was concerned it would paint me in a light that is not accurate of me as a whole, but, being the being that I am, I had to answer honestly and due to my recent circumstances I am (or was at the time of testing) a bit untrusting, to say the least. But the wording in the results is very negatively worded and very stigmatizing. Anyway, it upset me. It is bullshit spreading of misconceptions of mental health issues, particularly bipolar. It had me feeling down and I wondered if I can trust Dr. She. It had me questioning her and her intentions. I was second guessing myself and my judgement again.
but
but
But
I decided
I am done.
I am not going to let people dictate anymore who I am based on their ignorant and bias misconceptions or preconceived notions. I am also not going to hide me anymore. I get hurt by being honest, and people judge me sometimes because I share way too much. But the thing is, and dear mirror sister Renée once again helped me put it to words better, people are blaming, shaming, judging anyway, so I might as well speak out, speak up and live my truth. At least then I am standing up and speaking out about issues that are important to me and I have found that very often I help someone else by doing so.
Monday I also decided that I am done with carrying the burden of knowing that dear Perri Cherie could be a grooming psychologist and/or brilliant manipulative mastermind.
I have a lawyer (that I did not want to hire but had to to defend myself) that said I either have nothing or a thousand things. I reminded him of the letter from their lawyer and he knows I have a thousand things. It is overwhelming. But he is working on what he can and I am feeling better about waiting to file the reports I know I need to. He does have to make it about money, it is his job and livelihood, so I can be okay with that and really we deserve to have some of our expenses and burdens from this rectified.
But waiting to file reports, waiting to try and stop or prevent harm to others is a heavy burden. Knowing how I was handled and how much harm they collectively caused burdens me significantly knowing that other very vulnerable and broken people might be being harmed as well. And it haunts me a bit because "you know others are not as strong."
So I did what I could and wrote an honest google review and a few other reviews on Dr. He. It is not what I want to do it is not what I want to believe, but as Jordan Peterson and others points out, as adults we need to put away our childish naivety... I cannot ignore all of the red flags and the deviance. I cannot keep ignoring how he has used everything he can against me and has work to paint me in a bad light just to cover and protect himself. It cannot ignore the inceptions and the twisting of my thoughts those symptoms they were denying. Or the way things were twisted and then accusing me of twisting things that I did not (like my son calling them when I told him not to and then they have a lawyer accuse me of "causing my underage son to call"). I cannot keep giving them the benefit of the doubt when they have hurt me and my family, disregarded me, tried to discard me, used me, played games with me, etc. every time I have asked for help and clarification since the events that transpired with Dr. He that broke me.
Whatever is happening there is bigger than me, that much I am sure of, because they have worked very hard to keep me silenced and to deny any mistakes and wrongdoing even when doing so was causing significant harm and could have cost my life. They have shamed and blamed me, feigned care while ostracizing and then exiling when I could have been a highly beneficial case study for them.
And I am done blaming myself or allowing others to blame me. It is so ridiculous how all the literature, philosophies, rules and guidelines in psychology say I should not be blamed and yet in reality I am not only being blamed but also shamed, stigmatized, slandered, and silenced.
I am done being broken by this.
Medication is working and I have worked hard to stay ahead of my chemistry and the madness that was raging inside and out. I have put in the time and energy and it is time for what I have been working so hard for to click.
So Monday was something like learning to ride a bicycle;
I have been working so hard for so long, understanding the mechanics and physics of it, knowing what it is and how to do it but just not quite having the balance right to actually ride this allegoric bike. So when I was faced with what felt like another hit to my balance, I looked at the bike and had to decide, do I want to give it up and be done trying to ride a bicycle -I'll just stick to walking- or do I give it one more try? With determination I decided to try and I got it. I was able to balance it out and ride. I let go of the tethers that have been burdening me and holding me back and I let go of everybody else's' fears, their "ohs," "ahs," and their lurching forward "becarefuls." I said, "to hell with all you all that say I should stick to walking and/or that don't think I am capable." I got back on the bike
tried again
and rode upright on two wheels without any outside assistance.
I felt positive, and happy. A happy that wasn't my chemistry pushing back against medication.
A weight lifted knowing that I have done all I possibly can trying to reconcile and address what needs to be addressed on my behalf. I have gone above and beyond trying to reconcile, giving the benefit of the doubt, and seeking first to understand. I have put them before me. I tried to do what they asked every time. I honored there positions and training. I tried to have intelligent and responsible conversations about what they were missing and what I was trying to figure out. But ultimately they are scared and dishonest when they are the ones holding all the cards. Exactly what I stumbled onto I really don't know. It is too bad they cannot see the value I could be to them, because it was the muscle memory of handling trauma and damage from the first TBI that picked up on their deviance even before I did. My brain has figured out tricks to help accommodate for things like slower processing, emotional instability, distractibility, language recall, etc. and these tricks caught them red handed long before I was willing to admit their deviance. So I am satisfied with the effort I have made and I am even proud of myself.
Happy, confident, secure in who I am. I am allowing myself to be proud of me and what and how I have managed with so much opposition.
Will it hold this time? So much of this sounds so very familiar doesn't it?
Honestly, I don't know, but also I do and the answer is not likely black and white. This time I have the stabilizing help of accurate diagnosis and medication. I also have determination. And I have the knowledge that I have done this before and I can do it again. Maybe I have not broken to that level and I have been forever altered, but through it I have learned so very much about myself.
And I HAVE overcome before. I can do it again.
This time with new understanding and insight and even more power than before because, this time, I am overcoming powers that are far greater than me.
I got this. And I am proud of me.
I will choose to trust again. I will continue to love. I will continue to hope and pray for the Neuroscience Institute and the providers I had their. I will continue to hope that others will see that I am not so scary. But now, if they don't or won't, then that is on them and I can still love and be happy with me.
Friday, June 26, 2020
Monday, June 22, 2020
mapping holes continued
cont from yesterdays commentary:
...And lets not forget the malevolence of my treacherous heart. The malevolence in me that would have abandoned my husband and kids for a man that was using me as a toy. So there is a form of malevolence in me that is shocking... Fortunately I was simply a toy to this man so the opportunity to shack up with him was never there because I am far too vocal and risky for someone whose intentions are malevolent.
It is a bit comical really
After the Purple Rain incident Dr. She (my neuropsychologist therapist) said my subconscious is really mean to me. It really can be, logically piecing together all the mean and negative things people have had to say to me and about me and ways I have been treated to prove that I am of no value except for in dying.
And yet, at the same time, my body and subconscious have this amazing will to live as my deep subconscious picks up on threats and annihilates them with safe guards like breaking the way I did when Dr. He's intentions with me were not what they were supposed to be. When he was playing games that were meant to satisfy him and his needs my brain reacted in a way that put so many safeguards up there was no way he'd continue down that road with me.
And I saw through his mask. He did not like that I did not only see what he allowed me to see. (His exact words were, "you only see what I allow you to see.")
and he did not like that I continued to try to solve when he had told me not to try and solve this. (His exact words were, "I told you not to try and solve this.")
And things such as this make me wonder if it really was not entirely mania and a bipolar manic situation but rather a bodies fight or flight response with heightened awareness and a brain driven into overdrive in an effort to self preserve and protect. The fight mechanism fully engaged because what was happening was far more than even a non broken brain can handle.
What was happening?
1. Flooding of memories
2. Brain fog and emotional irrational responses finally lifting enough to handle the other realities of injury from the car accident like the ankle, hip and back. And the PTSD
3. Realizing my cognitive stamina may never be high enough to effectively handle an elementary classroom full-time without compromising my health. In other words; facing the reality that I might have to give up the career I loved, was good at, and just barely getting into in full capacity.
4. Falling in love with one's therapist for the unhealthy and healthy slew of reasons (and/or relationships) for which that happens.
5. Dealing with and trying to understand the TBI that had been misdiagnosed in it's severity without knowing that at that point.
6. Trying to do it all with a lack of social, emotional, and family support as documented by Dr. He himself in his report of me. (which also happen to be attributes that make me a prime target for grooming)
So maybe an extended survival fight is a more accurate description of the mania I was experiencing? Regardless, according to the definition of mania, the shoe fit. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/bipolar-disorder/index.shtml
...And lets not forget the malevolence of my treacherous heart. The malevolence in me that would have abandoned my husband and kids for a man that was using me as a toy. So there is a form of malevolence in me that is shocking... Fortunately I was simply a toy to this man so the opportunity to shack up with him was never there because I am far too vocal and risky for someone whose intentions are malevolent.
It is a bit comical really
After the Purple Rain incident Dr. She (my neuropsychologist therapist) said my subconscious is really mean to me. It really can be, logically piecing together all the mean and negative things people have had to say to me and about me and ways I have been treated to prove that I am of no value except for in dying.
And yet, at the same time, my body and subconscious have this amazing will to live as my deep subconscious picks up on threats and annihilates them with safe guards like breaking the way I did when Dr. He's intentions with me were not what they were supposed to be. When he was playing games that were meant to satisfy him and his needs my brain reacted in a way that put so many safeguards up there was no way he'd continue down that road with me.
And I saw through his mask. He did not like that I did not only see what he allowed me to see. (His exact words were, "you only see what I allow you to see.")
and he did not like that I continued to try to solve when he had told me not to try and solve this. (His exact words were, "I told you not to try and solve this.")
And things such as this make me wonder if it really was not entirely mania and a bipolar manic situation but rather a bodies fight or flight response with heightened awareness and a brain driven into overdrive in an effort to self preserve and protect. The fight mechanism fully engaged because what was happening was far more than even a non broken brain can handle.
What was happening?
1. Flooding of memories
2. Brain fog and emotional irrational responses finally lifting enough to handle the other realities of injury from the car accident like the ankle, hip and back. And the PTSD
3. Realizing my cognitive stamina may never be high enough to effectively handle an elementary classroom full-time without compromising my health. In other words; facing the reality that I might have to give up the career I loved, was good at, and just barely getting into in full capacity.
4. Falling in love with one's therapist for the unhealthy and healthy slew of reasons (and/or relationships) for which that happens.
5. Dealing with and trying to understand the TBI that had been misdiagnosed in it's severity without knowing that at that point.
6. Trying to do it all with a lack of social, emotional, and family support as documented by Dr. He himself in his report of me. (which also happen to be attributes that make me a prime target for grooming)
So maybe an extended survival fight is a more accurate description of the mania I was experiencing? Regardless, according to the definition of mania, the shoe fit. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/bipolar-disorder/index.shtml
Sunday, June 21, 2020
Mapping Holes to Create the Whole
I need to be focusing on my dad and my husband today because it is their day but I am so distracted by my thoughts.
My head is a bit of a mess today.
All over the place.
Trying to battle and inside of me stand up to the voices of those that have been so ...
careless, defensive, accusatory...?
I am not entirely sure how to explain but I think it is certainly more likely that the fingers they were pointing were more reflective of the three pointing back. too many people to many times...
So I try to turn it around,
Focus on the positive. The good things I have heard and the things I have learned over these last couple of years. One thing I know is that I need to love me. And fortunately I can find many things I love about me. And I even see that some of the things I thought I loved about those that now despise me were, to some degree, reflections of me while what they despise about me may be the projections of themselves I reflected back.
-and all over the place, I want to explain, on here I come, when really I haven't the time, because my time is dwindling with the distractions of my mind so it seems it might be a fair venture if I can write out the things that are holding me back and distracting me today.-
So I am trying to redirect and I think of positives, like Renée and her friend we were able to help get a wheelchair to. And I think of my hand physical therapist who said, "thank you. I needed to hear that today" when I admired the Christ like attributes of what he does. He takes on peoples pain to help them heal and feel less pain. It causes him pain, but he does it with regard and concern for his patients everyday.
I am grateful for moments like this, when I can help people see just a glimpse of their value.
...it is a trait about me that I love
and it is a thing about God that I love -how He can and will work through us
Yet it can also be heavy
and that seems to be what I am feeling today.
I know I need to warn others of the trouble that Dr. He can cause, of how he played with me and then twisted it to make it appear that I was behaving "inappropriately." He did it so well and so easily that any intelligent person knows it is highly unlikely I was the first or the last. And my mind just won't let me escape the burden I feel of the need to report... But my treacherous heart keeps looking to justify, excuse and even give him opportunities to prove that this knowledge that I hold of him is wrong...
And this, that observation of my heart -even still being treacherous, may just be the link to what I have learned recently about PTSD according this guy https://www.jordanbpeterson.com/transcripts/transliminal/
It is not just the malevolent acts against me by people that we, as a society and culture, believe to be the most benevolent among us, but it is also my own internal struggle with my own malevolence and benevolence -and probably my naivety as well. My own internal workings are struggling still to find that balance between what is good and benevolent and what is malevolent.
One thing I don't think people really understand is that my just "accepting" what happened to me and "letting it go" feels malevolent against myself and any other victims that may be out there.
I don't believe it is at all benevolent for me "let it burn out" when "it" was me and I needed the help the Institution was supposed to be able to provide. I needed accurate diagnosis and honest discussion. I was trying to be benevolent by withholding information that could get Dr. He into trouble which was increasing harm to me. And while I was trying to be the benevolent person he knew I was he was using that very benevolence against me in malevolent ways. He twisted and turned things to make himself appear to be the benevolent one, which would have been very easy to do since that its how they are all viewed anyway.
The malevolent acts against me were thus strengthened by my own duality and malevolent acts against myself in trying to benevolently protect the man who had malevolently used me, discarded me, and was then keeping me from getting the help I needed from the appropriate providers by denying what had really happened and what was going on with me.
so this writing out journey today has been an interesting one and as I watched the first part of the aforementioned video, I find it especially serendipitous that "writing it out" is a method Jordan Peterson uses. By-the-way I have only watched about the first 5 minutes of this video and know very little about this man. I just happened across a comment about him on Quora.com and a link to a snippet of the above mentioned video where he talks of PTSD being the result of becoming aware of the malevolence in the world and oneself. It was an interesting idea to me, especially in the limited snippet I initially watched. A more full explanation makes sense and I will eventually watch the entire video. For now though I want to focus on my writing out process to try and get out what I need to and then refocus my mind... It has been helping, I have come and gone from this one multiple times today and likely gotten more done than I would have considering how all over the place and distracted my mind is today.
I am not entirely sure why today. I think I just want to get things over with but I am still at a loss as to how. I also am waiting on others that are taking an eternity, probably because it is as I noted to the Neuroscience Institute in the first place, because for the lawyers it is all about money, and they want to go for what will benefit them most financially... It is all about money to everyone it seems.
Dr. Peterson criticizes naivety and childlike trust in this adult world. He calls it weakness...
This is also interesting because I was processing a lot from a very childish place with Perri Cherie (Dr. He). The PTSD of then was due to the TBI of my youth being minimized, marginalized and not handled in a way that was very fair to me then, by the adults that I loved and trusted. I was expected to be understanding and supportive of them and their trauma from my situation. I was expected to be miraculously healed, so therefore the very real consequences and troubles that I had because of the TBI were basically seen as character flaws and I was simply seen as a difficult teen.
...Strange how the situation repeated in many ways and maybe that is why I am bothered today of all days, because the therapist takes a type of parental role in ones life and that one got really warped.
And it was especially damaging and condemning to me because I so desperately needed this TBI to be handled differently. I so desperately needed the love, acceptance and help that I did not get with the TBI from my youth this time around, but instead similar mistakes and more were repeated to a higher degree and by those that are qualified and paid to know better.
Dr. Peterson says that I can only control the 5% and thus my take away needs to be first becoming aware of the holes so that I will not fall into them again when I see them... I actually thought I had gotten pretty good at that. And really I had in some areas, but I sure did not realize how naive and trusting I have so often been and I have only done so-so with avoiding those holes. Or maybe I am seeing the holes but I keep giving the holes the benefit of the doubt?.. and hoping that they will choose to conform to my childish faith in humanity and ideals that I just don't want to give up on?..
hmmm...
I feel as though I am becoming quite knowledgeable about this field of psychology because I like to explore all the damned holes I come across
My head is a bit of a mess today.
All over the place.
Trying to battle and inside of me stand up to the voices of those that have been so ...
careless, defensive, accusatory...?
I am not entirely sure how to explain but I think it is certainly more likely that the fingers they were pointing were more reflective of the three pointing back. too many people to many times...
So I try to turn it around,
Focus on the positive. The good things I have heard and the things I have learned over these last couple of years. One thing I know is that I need to love me. And fortunately I can find many things I love about me. And I even see that some of the things I thought I loved about those that now despise me were, to some degree, reflections of me while what they despise about me may be the projections of themselves I reflected back.
-and all over the place, I want to explain, on here I come, when really I haven't the time, because my time is dwindling with the distractions of my mind so it seems it might be a fair venture if I can write out the things that are holding me back and distracting me today.-
So I am trying to redirect and I think of positives, like Renée and her friend we were able to help get a wheelchair to. And I think of my hand physical therapist who said, "thank you. I needed to hear that today" when I admired the Christ like attributes of what he does. He takes on peoples pain to help them heal and feel less pain. It causes him pain, but he does it with regard and concern for his patients everyday.
I am grateful for moments like this, when I can help people see just a glimpse of their value.
...it is a trait about me that I love
and it is a thing about God that I love -how He can and will work through us
Yet it can also be heavy
and that seems to be what I am feeling today.
I know I need to warn others of the trouble that Dr. He can cause, of how he played with me and then twisted it to make it appear that I was behaving "inappropriately." He did it so well and so easily that any intelligent person knows it is highly unlikely I was the first or the last. And my mind just won't let me escape the burden I feel of the need to report... But my treacherous heart keeps looking to justify, excuse and even give him opportunities to prove that this knowledge that I hold of him is wrong...
And this, that observation of my heart -even still being treacherous, may just be the link to what I have learned recently about PTSD according this guy https://www.jordanbpeterson.com/transcripts/transliminal/
It is not just the malevolent acts against me by people that we, as a society and culture, believe to be the most benevolent among us, but it is also my own internal struggle with my own malevolence and benevolence -and probably my naivety as well. My own internal workings are struggling still to find that balance between what is good and benevolent and what is malevolent.
One thing I don't think people really understand is that my just "accepting" what happened to me and "letting it go" feels malevolent against myself and any other victims that may be out there.
I don't believe it is at all benevolent for me "let it burn out" when "it" was me and I needed the help the Institution was supposed to be able to provide. I needed accurate diagnosis and honest discussion. I was trying to be benevolent by withholding information that could get Dr. He into trouble which was increasing harm to me. And while I was trying to be the benevolent person he knew I was he was using that very benevolence against me in malevolent ways. He twisted and turned things to make himself appear to be the benevolent one, which would have been very easy to do since that its how they are all viewed anyway.
The malevolent acts against me were thus strengthened by my own duality and malevolent acts against myself in trying to benevolently protect the man who had malevolently used me, discarded me, and was then keeping me from getting the help I needed from the appropriate providers by denying what had really happened and what was going on with me.
so this writing out journey today has been an interesting one and as I watched the first part of the aforementioned video, I find it especially serendipitous that "writing it out" is a method Jordan Peterson uses. By-the-way I have only watched about the first 5 minutes of this video and know very little about this man. I just happened across a comment about him on Quora.com and a link to a snippet of the above mentioned video where he talks of PTSD being the result of becoming aware of the malevolence in the world and oneself. It was an interesting idea to me, especially in the limited snippet I initially watched. A more full explanation makes sense and I will eventually watch the entire video. For now though I want to focus on my writing out process to try and get out what I need to and then refocus my mind... It has been helping, I have come and gone from this one multiple times today and likely gotten more done than I would have considering how all over the place and distracted my mind is today.
I am not entirely sure why today. I think I just want to get things over with but I am still at a loss as to how. I also am waiting on others that are taking an eternity, probably because it is as I noted to the Neuroscience Institute in the first place, because for the lawyers it is all about money, and they want to go for what will benefit them most financially... It is all about money to everyone it seems.
Dr. Peterson criticizes naivety and childlike trust in this adult world. He calls it weakness...
This is also interesting because I was processing a lot from a very childish place with Perri Cherie (Dr. He). The PTSD of then was due to the TBI of my youth being minimized, marginalized and not handled in a way that was very fair to me then, by the adults that I loved and trusted. I was expected to be understanding and supportive of them and their trauma from my situation. I was expected to be miraculously healed, so therefore the very real consequences and troubles that I had because of the TBI were basically seen as character flaws and I was simply seen as a difficult teen.
...Strange how the situation repeated in many ways and maybe that is why I am bothered today of all days, because the therapist takes a type of parental role in ones life and that one got really warped.
And it was especially damaging and condemning to me because I so desperately needed this TBI to be handled differently. I so desperately needed the love, acceptance and help that I did not get with the TBI from my youth this time around, but instead similar mistakes and more were repeated to a higher degree and by those that are qualified and paid to know better.
Dr. Peterson says that I can only control the 5% and thus my take away needs to be first becoming aware of the holes so that I will not fall into them again when I see them... I actually thought I had gotten pretty good at that. And really I had in some areas, but I sure did not realize how naive and trusting I have so often been and I have only done so-so with avoiding those holes. Or maybe I am seeing the holes but I keep giving the holes the benefit of the doubt?.. and hoping that they will choose to conform to my childish faith in humanity and ideals that I just don't want to give up on?..
hmmm...
I feel as though I am becoming quite knowledgeable about this field of psychology because I like to explore all the damned holes I come across
And the only reason I am writing about this at all is because of the PTSD style reaction I get when I start exploring this idea of going to graduate school to become a psychologist myself. It actually physically effects me; my heart speeds up, I am visibly shaky and I have a hard time focusing on what I am reading. I feel nervous and insecure and I distrust the professors automatically... which is probably why I am avoiding it. It is beyond ridiculous but it is what is happening and it is what it is. No point in beating myself up over it. Instead, I am hoping as I dissect irrational reactions like this I might keep inching closer to whatever it is that I am destined to do with this bizarre life of mine and to whomever it is that I am meant to be.
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