Every time someone tells me I need to let it go I feel like, more than anything, it feeds my fire. I try real hard not to get angry and overly defensive. I try to examine the psychology of this reaction and ask why.
Sometimes it bothers me less than other times.
I think it especially fuels my fire when it is coming from people who know very little and/or who have tried very little to understand.
I also think I feel my fire being fueled because it has always gotten my goat how infrequently we actually have the courage to stand up for each other and how much re-victimizing is happening in our world because we expect the victims to "just let it go" and "get over it" when abuses and/or problems are still happening and when there are so many things that could be changed if people would just speak up and expect the change. While there is some need for "letting it go," and for forgiveness, there is also a lot of abuse and maybe a bit of conspiracy to this often overly used premise.
A movie review.
We watched the movie "Ford Vs. Ferrari" and mostly I loved it. I especially loved that it celebrated and honored Ken Miles.
But, what I did not love, was the subliminal message that so many movies and media sources feed to all of us common folk; That our submission to those in power and who have money is noble and honorable. And, regardless of how poorly they may treat us, that our dedication and loyalty should lie with those who have power over us and/or have financially funded, in any way, any part of what we have done.
It is times like this that I see just how much of a nonconforming conformist I really am.
I really do my best to conform to societies rules and expectations if I see the value to them and if they are beneficial to humanity... but when I don't see the point or if it the conformity goes against my core values, or ideals of humanity... I get all light up.
I think I may become something akin to a damned-if-I-do-damned-if-I-don't fireball of utopian ideals and ...integrity, I suppose, though I may be just as lit up at myself for my own cowardice and hypocrisy.
I wish I knew better how to direct and utilize this part of me.
A power source that can both comfort and terrify; that can both nourish and drain people.
....and as I am loosing my focus, my mind wanders to one of my recent epiphanies
If people be power trippin' on you, than you must be a significant source of power.
Monday, February 24, 2020
Saturday, February 22, 2020
Trying to make sense of reality when reality is insane
Dr. She has been so immensely helpful. I keep thinking I need to cut back. I fear the attachment. But every time I see her she helps me so very much with her knowledge. She really understands the physiology and psychology of what is going on with me and her explanations and clarifications are so very helpful.
She is especially helpful at helping me piece together reality.
Sometimes I think I am farther along in this process than I really am. It is very hard for me to accept the harsh realities that are completely insane but are not my insanity. It is also very hard because, as Dr. She pointed out, many of my interpretations were skewed by the manic lens I was looking through.
For example the possibility of Dr. P being a grooming psychologist weighs heavy on my conscience because if he is, he is so sly and cunning he is doing it in a way that would get his patients to be the instigators and then, using implied feelings and the patients vulnerabilities, he'll manipulate them to protect himself. He would be the type of master manipulator that would have everyone eating out the palm of his hand while believing the victim was the one to blame. Even the victims would blame themselves.
I try to explain the evidence that suggests this possibility to Dr. She. She thinks I credit Dr. P, and maybe people in general, with too much intelligence. This is a place where she reminds me I was seeing and trying to solve through that manic lens.
I consider her points and I explain more. I tell her I am trying to understand if this is a real possibility or if it is an error in my thinking that needs to be corrected.
We were not able to process all that has replayed in my head for far too long, fed, when I said, by the stupidity of the institute that I loved and trusted, that I was trying to piece together my very broken reality -while still very broken and being treated as a liability rather than a patient. I want to correct the errors in my thinking. I wanted to then. I wanted to understand reality and I needed to be treated for the conditions that were breaking me from it, so now it should not be terribly surprising that the processing is still going on.
So even though Dr. She seems to think the grooming scenario is highly unlikely the verdict is still out. Though there is some some lighting of the burden knowing she thinks it is highly unlikely,
I am not entirely convinced that Dr. P was not grooming and here are the reasons why:
1. because of how I broke and how it effected me and my husband after
2. because he manipulated me to protect himself
3. because of how he worked to keep people from talking to me
4. because the implied feelings of countertransference where complete lies or words carefully said so that I could be easily manipulated later and said in such a way that no matter how I interpreted his implied feelings and carefully worded phrases I could be accused of twisting his words and intentions.
And it is obvious they were lies because of how I was handled and treated and because of the false allegations made against me and how he has used everything he can against me and continued with the perpetuation of harm, even when I was clearly not looking to harm him (if I had been I would have told the patient advocate all things that would have been incriminating from the beginning and I would have had no problem talking to Dr. Concussion about what happened and I would not have done many other stupid things I did because I needed to figure out was going on with my head but I did not want him to get in trouble for it- like my statement of "I am not sure what it looks like yet but I know I need to stand up for myself" and my unwillingness to confide in Office director all that he has said. And I would not have tried to follow there rules that I neither knew or understood).
5. Because I was definitely set up by the Patient Experiences -that is painfully real and disturbing. It is not so subtle that the insanity was coming from their side when I was accused of harassment for unwanted contact even though in the last conversation I had with the patient advocate she invited me to reach out to her if I ever needed to talk and nothing contrary was EVER said.
6. As my sister pointed out, some of the bullshit he fed me is right out of "the players handbook"
7. The cover up, the pushing me out, and exiling of me being the only option the Neuroscience Institute was open to
8. He tried to make me out to be a stalker which was also either an epiphany or suggestion he was giving in one of my last conversations with him
9. because he acknowledged that he broke me but then dismissed and denied it.
10. Dr. Concussion would talk to me and the conversation would go one way and then she would talk to him and she would then treat a completely different way, basically not at all. It was like she was playing games with me
11. Dr. Concussion acknowledged that "we need to get you stable" but then after talking to Dr. P she avoided treating, prescribing, and simply gave me two names of people to call and then in my medical records she reported inaccurately what I had said about suicidal thoughts and her conversation with Dr. P was reported in a way that made it sound as though I was stalking
12. The kind of game playing and manipulations, the way I was treated by office staff, and the fact that Dr. P was not even being willing to apologize made absolutely no sense to my rational side but plenty to the manic cycling side and makes even less sense and are becomes infuriating the more rational, stable, and normal I become.
13. On paper I was the prime target
14. because he and/or they have and/or are actually trying to criminalize me for this whole deal and are using false allegations to do so
15. because of the multiple times of negligence, malpractice, and even reckless endangerment -these things just do not make sense to me but it does make some sense if he was/is a groomer trying to keep his doings hidden
16. He obviously did not have any authentic feelings for me but their were sexual references and suggestions (my traumatized childhood reliving ptsd mind picked up on them but did not quite understand until my manic broken mind became hyper sexual). Playing with fire, flittering with disaster, maybe.
But maybe he dumped me when he did because he realized I was not going to play that way, or he thought his grooming was not working on me. But it actually was, just not how he anticipated, that is why I broke... and sent emails that alerted, therefore there was no going back.
It is a possibility, but Dr. She thinks it highly unlikely because she thinks if he had been grooming he would have known he had me right where he wanted me and he would have succeeded in achieving his desired sexual outcome.
I try to tell her I would not have succumbed; that is the thing about me, If any broken vulnerable soul can beat or catch a grooming psychologist in his game, I assure you it is me. Maybe a bit naive, but playful while solid in my rancher style boundaries and values, I will not simply give in to suggestions of sexuality, and if too bold I would shut it down so fast and so bold even a narcissist would blush with insecurity.
I had told Dr. She that, at one point in my emotional manic mess, I confessed to my poor husband that if Dr. P were to ask me to I'd leave my husband for him. For this reason Dr. She thinks he had me and I would have lost the game. This may be a common misconception and over the years I have learned that in sexuality, many people work very different than me, and though what I said to my husband at that manic moment I meant, for me leaving does not equate to sex, it equates to exploring possibilities that could not be ignored due to the intensity of my feelings AND because even in my manic mess, I knew that reality is the quickest way to kill fantasy and that exploring that possibility outside of that environment, -where, btw, I was holding boundaries better than my therapist- I would know or be able to discern better what the reality was.
Even manic, I am still intelligent and can hold boundaries, that was the fantastic feet that I AM proud of myself for and the most wrong about me that they, the Neuroscience Institute, are while at the same time the very trait they could benefit most from by working WITH me if they could get themselves and their egos out of their way.
...I suppose it is possible I am incorrect in that leaving would not lead to sex had it been a grooming thing... because the mania did, in fact, hyper that drive, and he obviously had some significant power over me...
but alas
He never asked so we will never know and we will never know if he would have asked had I not broken so big and scared him away from his target by possibly alerting his place of employment with my manic emails that were meant to not be missed.
Who knows?
All we really know is that obviously something was very wrong about this situation and how was being handled.
and my being blamed and shamed for it are reason 17 that I am not totally convinced that he was not diabolical in his motives.
I think I have said quite enough for today
and its time to put my tired head away.
She is especially helpful at helping me piece together reality.
Sometimes I think I am farther along in this process than I really am. It is very hard for me to accept the harsh realities that are completely insane but are not my insanity. It is also very hard because, as Dr. She pointed out, many of my interpretations were skewed by the manic lens I was looking through.
For example the possibility of Dr. P being a grooming psychologist weighs heavy on my conscience because if he is, he is so sly and cunning he is doing it in a way that would get his patients to be the instigators and then, using implied feelings and the patients vulnerabilities, he'll manipulate them to protect himself. He would be the type of master manipulator that would have everyone eating out the palm of his hand while believing the victim was the one to blame. Even the victims would blame themselves.
I try to explain the evidence that suggests this possibility to Dr. She. She thinks I credit Dr. P, and maybe people in general, with too much intelligence. This is a place where she reminds me I was seeing and trying to solve through that manic lens.
I consider her points and I explain more. I tell her I am trying to understand if this is a real possibility or if it is an error in my thinking that needs to be corrected.
We were not able to process all that has replayed in my head for far too long, fed, when I said, by the stupidity of the institute that I loved and trusted, that I was trying to piece together my very broken reality -while still very broken and being treated as a liability rather than a patient. I want to correct the errors in my thinking. I wanted to then. I wanted to understand reality and I needed to be treated for the conditions that were breaking me from it, so now it should not be terribly surprising that the processing is still going on.
So even though Dr. She seems to think the grooming scenario is highly unlikely the verdict is still out. Though there is some some lighting of the burden knowing she thinks it is highly unlikely,
I am not entirely convinced that Dr. P was not grooming and here are the reasons why:
1. because of how I broke and how it effected me and my husband after
2. because he manipulated me to protect himself
3. because of how he worked to keep people from talking to me
4. because the implied feelings of countertransference where complete lies or words carefully said so that I could be easily manipulated later and said in such a way that no matter how I interpreted his implied feelings and carefully worded phrases I could be accused of twisting his words and intentions.
And it is obvious they were lies because of how I was handled and treated and because of the false allegations made against me and how he has used everything he can against me and continued with the perpetuation of harm, even when I was clearly not looking to harm him (if I had been I would have told the patient advocate all things that would have been incriminating from the beginning and I would have had no problem talking to Dr. Concussion about what happened and I would not have done many other stupid things I did because I needed to figure out was going on with my head but I did not want him to get in trouble for it- like my statement of "I am not sure what it looks like yet but I know I need to stand up for myself" and my unwillingness to confide in Office director all that he has said. And I would not have tried to follow there rules that I neither knew or understood).
5. Because I was definitely set up by the Patient Experiences -that is painfully real and disturbing. It is not so subtle that the insanity was coming from their side when I was accused of harassment for unwanted contact even though in the last conversation I had with the patient advocate she invited me to reach out to her if I ever needed to talk and nothing contrary was EVER said.
6. As my sister pointed out, some of the bullshit he fed me is right out of "the players handbook"
7. The cover up, the pushing me out, and exiling of me being the only option the Neuroscience Institute was open to
8. He tried to make me out to be a stalker which was also either an epiphany or suggestion he was giving in one of my last conversations with him
9. because he acknowledged that he broke me but then dismissed and denied it.
10. Dr. Concussion would talk to me and the conversation would go one way and then she would talk to him and she would then treat a completely different way, basically not at all. It was like she was playing games with me
11. Dr. Concussion acknowledged that "we need to get you stable" but then after talking to Dr. P she avoided treating, prescribing, and simply gave me two names of people to call and then in my medical records she reported inaccurately what I had said about suicidal thoughts and her conversation with Dr. P was reported in a way that made it sound as though I was stalking
12. The kind of game playing and manipulations, the way I was treated by office staff, and the fact that Dr. P was not even being willing to apologize made absolutely no sense to my rational side but plenty to the manic cycling side and makes even less sense and are becomes infuriating the more rational, stable, and normal I become.
13. On paper I was the prime target
14. because he and/or they have and/or are actually trying to criminalize me for this whole deal and are using false allegations to do so
15. because of the multiple times of negligence, malpractice, and even reckless endangerment -these things just do not make sense to me but it does make some sense if he was/is a groomer trying to keep his doings hidden
16. He obviously did not have any authentic feelings for me but their were sexual references and suggestions (my traumatized childhood reliving ptsd mind picked up on them but did not quite understand until my manic broken mind became hyper sexual). Playing with fire, flittering with disaster, maybe.
But maybe he dumped me when he did because he realized I was not going to play that way, or he thought his grooming was not working on me. But it actually was, just not how he anticipated, that is why I broke... and sent emails that alerted, therefore there was no going back.
It is a possibility, but Dr. She thinks it highly unlikely because she thinks if he had been grooming he would have known he had me right where he wanted me and he would have succeeded in achieving his desired sexual outcome.
I try to tell her I would not have succumbed; that is the thing about me, If any broken vulnerable soul can beat or catch a grooming psychologist in his game, I assure you it is me. Maybe a bit naive, but playful while solid in my rancher style boundaries and values, I will not simply give in to suggestions of sexuality, and if too bold I would shut it down so fast and so bold even a narcissist would blush with insecurity.
I had told Dr. She that, at one point in my emotional manic mess, I confessed to my poor husband that if Dr. P were to ask me to I'd leave my husband for him. For this reason Dr. She thinks he had me and I would have lost the game. This may be a common misconception and over the years I have learned that in sexuality, many people work very different than me, and though what I said to my husband at that manic moment I meant, for me leaving does not equate to sex, it equates to exploring possibilities that could not be ignored due to the intensity of my feelings AND because even in my manic mess, I knew that reality is the quickest way to kill fantasy and that exploring that possibility outside of that environment, -where, btw, I was holding boundaries better than my therapist- I would know or be able to discern better what the reality was.
Even manic, I am still intelligent and can hold boundaries, that was the fantastic feet that I AM proud of myself for and the most wrong about me that they, the Neuroscience Institute, are while at the same time the very trait they could benefit most from by working WITH me if they could get themselves and their egos out of their way.
...I suppose it is possible I am incorrect in that leaving would not lead to sex had it been a grooming thing... because the mania did, in fact, hyper that drive, and he obviously had some significant power over me...
but alas
He never asked so we will never know and we will never know if he would have asked had I not broken so big and scared him away from his target by possibly alerting his place of employment with my manic emails that were meant to not be missed.
Who knows?
All we really know is that obviously something was very wrong about this situation and how was being handled.
and my being blamed and shamed for it are reason 17 that I am not totally convinced that he was not diabolical in his motives.
I think I have said quite enough for today
and its time to put my tired head away.
Maintaining control in the face of adversity.
My daughter says "sometimes how you say things is not what you mean" and she is concerned I will get myself into trouble because of how others will use what I say against me.
I feel a lot of things hearing my daughter talk about this. She says, "I hate feeling powerless and I hate that there is nothing I can do." She is referring to standing up for me or helping with the mess that broke me and caused significant harm to me and my family.
How sad is that, that my daughter is afraid for me and our family for my trying to stand up for myself and she feels powerless because she has seen that my efforts to find out what was going on with my head and to have the TBI, PTSD, and Bipolar troubles that were happening acknowledged, discussed and treated have resulted in blaming, shaming, stigmatizing, victimizing and re-victimizing, and straight up abuse and ill intent by those in power.
** she is why I removed the names from the previous post of those that absolutely should be named; because she is correct; they will use it against me if they can. She does not know about this action and reaction of mine but I want readers to understand that they only reason I am allowing myself to be bullied and silenced by this institution is because I don't want my family to suffer any more than they already have.
....but this is also where I start to feel really conflicted and extremely angry. It should not be this way and my fighting alone, trying to save others from the pain it indirectly and/or directly causes them has likely been a major contributor to this mess. I don't want to be a burden, I am willing to own my own, and I am trying to handle something too big and not solely my problem on my own. Part of why is because the rejection of being denied help or ignored when I ask for help is extremely painful. But that may be exactly why the Intermountain Neuroscience Institute has treated me the way they have. ..."Untied we stand, divided we fall" ...because if it seems nobody really gives a shit about me then why should they? For all intents and purposes it appears their bottom line is $ and alone I do not offer a significant source of that. In fact, for my families sake, I asked them to refund my bills because they were refusing me my patient rights (according to their patient bill of rights) and they were refusing me services while not referring me out appropriately. My husband did get involved in that one. But they would offer none and no apology. They missed and misdiagnosed and would not discuss or change their inaccuracies and for this I am punished again and again, while the stress of it is hurting my family and very possibly literally burning me out physically.
But I can do nothing.
and my kids are learning this very harsh life lesson, that I strongly disagree with; That we are powerless against corporations and people in power who are abusive, dishonest, corrupt, and/or whatever they are.
So then a part of me says something to the effect of "what if MLK went along with this kind of thinking?"
And I think I will fight. For now I will take the names off for my daughters sake as I take her advice to be careful in how I proceed, but I will not stop fighting for the injustices and straight up abuses I have endured at the hands of those who were in power and had an ethical, moral, and most likely legal obligation to treat me fairly. It is not right for them to vilify and try to criminalize me for their mistakes. It is not right for them to stigmatize, slander, and manipulate things to try and make it appear that I am things that I am not, to cover up their mistakes, or to protect their egos, pride and pocketbooks. It is not right for them to cause harm and then continue to perpetuate the harm once they know they are causing harm just because they either fear the repercussions, they are lazy, or, again, they simply want to protect their own ego's and/or pocketbooks. It is not right that I was so incredibly vulnerable and they knew it and they twisted and manipulated my vulnerabilities anyway they could to work it in their favor.
Alone or not
I will fight.
And if they really want to turn me into a criminal for trying to take care of me and my family while trying to protect the very therapist that made serious mistakes and acknowledged breaking me, and for standing up for myself, for trying to understand, for seeking clarification and for trusting and loving them, then I so be it.
I would rather go to jail unjustly than allow this kind of warped bullying and abuse. If I am allowing it to happen to me I am also turning a blind eye to others that are suffering and being abused by the same systems.
AND THIS IS NOT OKAY
I feel a lot of things hearing my daughter talk about this. She says, "I hate feeling powerless and I hate that there is nothing I can do." She is referring to standing up for me or helping with the mess that broke me and caused significant harm to me and my family.
How sad is that, that my daughter is afraid for me and our family for my trying to stand up for myself and she feels powerless because she has seen that my efforts to find out what was going on with my head and to have the TBI, PTSD, and Bipolar troubles that were happening acknowledged, discussed and treated have resulted in blaming, shaming, stigmatizing, victimizing and re-victimizing, and straight up abuse and ill intent by those in power.
** she is why I removed the names from the previous post of those that absolutely should be named; because she is correct; they will use it against me if they can. She does not know about this action and reaction of mine but I want readers to understand that they only reason I am allowing myself to be bullied and silenced by this institution is because I don't want my family to suffer any more than they already have.
....but this is also where I start to feel really conflicted and extremely angry. It should not be this way and my fighting alone, trying to save others from the pain it indirectly and/or directly causes them has likely been a major contributor to this mess. I don't want to be a burden, I am willing to own my own, and I am trying to handle something too big and not solely my problem on my own. Part of why is because the rejection of being denied help or ignored when I ask for help is extremely painful. But that may be exactly why the Intermountain Neuroscience Institute has treated me the way they have. ..."Untied we stand, divided we fall" ...because if it seems nobody really gives a shit about me then why should they? For all intents and purposes it appears their bottom line is $ and alone I do not offer a significant source of that. In fact, for my families sake, I asked them to refund my bills because they were refusing me my patient rights (according to their patient bill of rights) and they were refusing me services while not referring me out appropriately. My husband did get involved in that one. But they would offer none and no apology. They missed and misdiagnosed and would not discuss or change their inaccuracies and for this I am punished again and again, while the stress of it is hurting my family and very possibly literally burning me out physically.
But I can do nothing.
and my kids are learning this very harsh life lesson, that I strongly disagree with; That we are powerless against corporations and people in power who are abusive, dishonest, corrupt, and/or whatever they are.
So then a part of me says something to the effect of "what if MLK went along with this kind of thinking?"
And I think I will fight. For now I will take the names off for my daughters sake as I take her advice to be careful in how I proceed, but I will not stop fighting for the injustices and straight up abuses I have endured at the hands of those who were in power and had an ethical, moral, and most likely legal obligation to treat me fairly. It is not right for them to vilify and try to criminalize me for their mistakes. It is not right for them to stigmatize, slander, and manipulate things to try and make it appear that I am things that I am not, to cover up their mistakes, or to protect their egos, pride and pocketbooks. It is not right for them to cause harm and then continue to perpetuate the harm once they know they are causing harm just because they either fear the repercussions, they are lazy, or, again, they simply want to protect their own ego's and/or pocketbooks. It is not right that I was so incredibly vulnerable and they knew it and they twisted and manipulated my vulnerabilities anyway they could to work it in their favor.
Alone or not
I will fight.
And if they really want to turn me into a criminal for trying to take care of me and my family while trying to protect the very therapist that made serious mistakes and acknowledged breaking me, and for standing up for myself, for trying to understand, for seeking clarification and for trusting and loving them, then I so be it.
I would rather go to jail unjustly than allow this kind of warped bullying and abuse. If I am allowing it to happen to me I am also turning a blind eye to others that are suffering and being abused by the same systems.
AND THIS IS NOT OKAY
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