Just a friendly reminder to who all who read or follow:
this blog is reflective of what I am feeling in the moment and not reflective of me as a whole.
Sometimes I need to allow myself to feel things so they may pass. Sometimes writing helps me process my feelings.
So please remember you are only reading the part of me that most needs processing assistance.
Thank you.
...that said
here is what's in my head
even though I don't think I really need this writing to process at the moment (blog was just up)
My mood is mostly okay, but still unstable
that is frustrating to me
I find I am spending too much time reminding myself that I am okay
that I am happy
I am
I just don't want to be reminding myself so much. I like better when it is more of my base and I am stable in it; only rocked occasionally by things that are significant rockers or with lots of build up... maybe that is a judgement. Whose to say what's significant anyway?
maybe because I am not, less significant things will rock my world.
... no, that analogy doesn't work so well. Small, seemingly insignificant things seem to be more sturdy. Small, low profile things tend to withstand greater winds and storms.
Maybe I am not so insignificant, maybe I am too big so I am easily shaken.
My emotions are often too big. Until they are not.
...I am off on a "me" tangent that I don't want to be on
and I don't really care about this nonsense anyway.
I would like to feel more stable and solid in my emotions again. I am tired of the the tears.
Though some experiences are so exquisite we wish to savor them forever, I think I'd like for this one to pass now. Fade into the void it has left behind
... the trouble with being too much. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-emotional-intensity/201805/feeling-intensely-the-wounds-being-too-much
But it's only this moment
then I'm off to outside
a beautiful day
-scared of my ankle
but going anyway-
smile and play
that's more my way
Saturday, May 11, 2019
the industry of blasphemy
When it was all still very fresh I felt upset and alarmed in the dousing defensive communication cycles pilot class we were participating in when withdrawal and cutting off were brought up as red level (abusive) defense mechanism in communication. I was upset and alarmed because that seems to be the stock and protocol solution to a therapists fallacy of countertransference.
Why would any institution, that is supposed to be crusading for mental health, going to use a red zone defensive communication pattern as the only solution to this human component?
It did not make any sense at all to me.
Makes me angry really.
I felt defensive.
And almost angrily asked the overseeing psychologist about it after the class. I remember him being rather interested in my experience at first. I told him about how I had been writing about it and he was really interested in that. He didn't want to exploit me but he was interested in seeing what I wrote and in possibly using it for training his people on the importance of keeping countertransference in check in sessions. But, (does it come as a shock, of course not to just about everyone, but it still pisses me off) he lost interest when I said I'd like to be involved an help with that. I'd be happy to share my story but I'd like some say on how it is used to train people. He hasn't talked to me since about it and maybe that is because I gave him this blog info so he doesn't need to, I am giving it away for free, but also, maybe I am just far too complicated a case for him or whatever, but it annoys me right now as I remember the state of mind I was still in and that he likely saw that we had different views on what the real problem was and what to do about it. It still annoys me even though I feel my line of thought coming more closely in line with what he seemed to be expressing; that it is and can be a major problem when a therapist is not addressing countertransference appropriately.
I am significant evidence of that. I can tell you first hand how badly that screws with your psychology.
It's supposed to be a safe place. You are vulnerable and you trust them so completely. Things are starting to make sense -maybe for the first time- in your confused dysfunctional life; you are starting to feel a calm that you may have never experienced before; but then, once again, your progress is sabotaged by the dysfunctions of the human condition. And once again is not your fault and entirely your fault at the same time. Only this time it feels divinely manifested due to the blasphemous level therapists have been elevated to, by you and by their own selves.
You have been abandoned by the gods because you are not worthy but there is no savior for you because the gods don't want you.
You'll fall back at some point into old habits and old patterns, and you can try an new god but you know they aren't your god and your aware of the blasphemy of the industry now so you can't trust any of it.
You also can't trust what you felt.
You can't trust your own feelings.
It was all fake. Man made.
and you are not even sure by who; them or you.
They are supposed to be the one in control. they are supposed to be the one helping you. but they broke you instead, because you got into their head?
When you weren't trying.
You, my friend, are a whole new mess of your old mess.
You'll not break free because you have been condemned
no one to fall back on
no one to trust
not even yourself.
It seems so silly
It sounds so made up
but the depth and reality you now face and try to tackle every new day has you knowing how profoundly powerful psychology is and how they really are in a position of power.
I hate when other people have power over me ...and my emotions.
I wish it were as simple as it sounds to just not let them have that power.
I suppose I am handing my power over to others
...but the alternative is isolating myself?
How do I find the balance?
I am lost again.
Why would any institution, that is supposed to be crusading for mental health, going to use a red zone defensive communication pattern as the only solution to this human component?
It did not make any sense at all to me.
Makes me angry really.
I felt defensive.
And almost angrily asked the overseeing psychologist about it after the class. I remember him being rather interested in my experience at first. I told him about how I had been writing about it and he was really interested in that. He didn't want to exploit me but he was interested in seeing what I wrote and in possibly using it for training his people on the importance of keeping countertransference in check in sessions. But, (does it come as a shock, of course not to just about everyone, but it still pisses me off) he lost interest when I said I'd like to be involved an help with that. I'd be happy to share my story but I'd like some say on how it is used to train people. He hasn't talked to me since about it and maybe that is because I gave him this blog info so he doesn't need to, I am giving it away for free, but also, maybe I am just far too complicated a case for him or whatever, but it annoys me right now as I remember the state of mind I was still in and that he likely saw that we had different views on what the real problem was and what to do about it. It still annoys me even though I feel my line of thought coming more closely in line with what he seemed to be expressing; that it is and can be a major problem when a therapist is not addressing countertransference appropriately.
I am significant evidence of that. I can tell you first hand how badly that screws with your psychology.
It's supposed to be a safe place. You are vulnerable and you trust them so completely. Things are starting to make sense -maybe for the first time- in your confused dysfunctional life; you are starting to feel a calm that you may have never experienced before; but then, once again, your progress is sabotaged by the dysfunctions of the human condition. And once again is not your fault and entirely your fault at the same time. Only this time it feels divinely manifested due to the blasphemous level therapists have been elevated to, by you and by their own selves.
You have been abandoned by the gods because you are not worthy but there is no savior for you because the gods don't want you.
You'll fall back at some point into old habits and old patterns, and you can try an new god but you know they aren't your god and your aware of the blasphemy of the industry now so you can't trust any of it.
You also can't trust what you felt.
You can't trust your own feelings.
It was all fake. Man made.
and you are not even sure by who; them or you.
They are supposed to be the one in control. they are supposed to be the one helping you. but they broke you instead, because you got into their head?
When you weren't trying.
You, my friend, are a whole new mess of your old mess.
You'll not break free because you have been condemned
no one to fall back on
no one to trust
not even yourself.
It seems so silly
It sounds so made up
but the depth and reality you now face and try to tackle every new day has you knowing how profoundly powerful psychology is and how they really are in a position of power.
I hate when other people have power over me ...and my emotions.
I wish it were as simple as it sounds to just not let them have that power.
I suppose I am handing my power over to others
...but the alternative is isolating myself?
How do I find the balance?
I am lost again.
Thursday, May 9, 2019
Explosive
I have been weening because I feel like I need to figure out my base again in order to know what I really need. I'm realizing I need to fine tune meds. I am disappointed I have to take them at all and had been very hopeful about going off.
I had hoped that I could, but dear old therapist kind of screwed me out of that possibility.
Concussion Dr. may have been correct way back in January that those meds were not the right meds. As of last appointment she thought I needed to give them more time. But she had kind of stopped listening, kind of like dear old therapist had, probably because she doesn't want to hear about it, because then she has to think and consider her colleague's (dear old therapist's) part in all of this and she just wants to believe whatever he told her.
More time, I have given too much of. I need stable. I am already to that point, the next step, sorting out any residual. And residual is explosive angry.
So it stays ever complicated and frustrating which is why I moved my next follow up, up and most likely why it will be goodbye forever to my found fortress of solitude turned kryptonite cave.
and weening. new job. still not stable.
Angry at injustices of raffles that were not done correctly, I won't donate now based on principle! But that is not the injustice I am really angry about, its the scapegoat that'll pay, or at least refund, for their mistake. In all honesty it was a really stupid and unfair mistake on their part since they entered and then awarded the prizes to donations of different increments that were not even intended for said raffle. We know those were the winners because the raffle tickets were business card side the other donations were postcard size. Postcard size, that was not intended for this raffle, were the winners. It is not right. and I don't trust the donation at all anymore. I make sure they know. "Sorry." ...but he's not going to do anything about it. Not going to make it fair to all those who had paid for raffle tickets whose entries became invalid when they decided to throw these others into the mix that forced the actual raffle tickets to the bottom of which ignorant puller did not know were the actual raffle tickets. It was annoying to watch. So it was not nothing but still, not something to feel explosive about.
...Explosive for the third time after getting off work at 2:30. The other two for other issues but equally as... nonthreatening.
I don't like this part of the cycle.
and I am angry.
angry at the injustice and the perpetuate
angry at the parallels that seem to suggest that I'm innately flawed, it is my fault that people will abandon me when I need them most.
I am angry
I was not abandoned tonight.
"The squeaky wheel gets the grease"
And that makes me angry too. I don't want to be the squeaky wheel... because my squeak is a big vicious wolf snarl ...a wolf that has been mistaken for a bad dog that shouldn't be feed.
I had hoped that I could, but dear old therapist kind of screwed me out of that possibility.
Concussion Dr. may have been correct way back in January that those meds were not the right meds. As of last appointment she thought I needed to give them more time. But she had kind of stopped listening, kind of like dear old therapist had, probably because she doesn't want to hear about it, because then she has to think and consider her colleague's (dear old therapist's) part in all of this and she just wants to believe whatever he told her.
More time, I have given too much of. I need stable. I am already to that point, the next step, sorting out any residual. And residual is explosive angry.
So it stays ever complicated and frustrating which is why I moved my next follow up, up and most likely why it will be goodbye forever to my found fortress of solitude turned kryptonite cave.
and weening. new job. still not stable.
Angry at injustices of raffles that were not done correctly, I won't donate now based on principle! But that is not the injustice I am really angry about, its the scapegoat that'll pay, or at least refund, for their mistake. In all honesty it was a really stupid and unfair mistake on their part since they entered and then awarded the prizes to donations of different increments that were not even intended for said raffle. We know those were the winners because the raffle tickets were business card side the other donations were postcard size. Postcard size, that was not intended for this raffle, were the winners. It is not right. and I don't trust the donation at all anymore. I make sure they know. "Sorry." ...but he's not going to do anything about it. Not going to make it fair to all those who had paid for raffle tickets whose entries became invalid when they decided to throw these others into the mix that forced the actual raffle tickets to the bottom of which ignorant puller did not know were the actual raffle tickets. It was annoying to watch. So it was not nothing but still, not something to feel explosive about.
...Explosive for the third time after getting off work at 2:30. The other two for other issues but equally as... nonthreatening.
I don't like this part of the cycle.
and I am angry.
angry at the injustice and the perpetuate
angry at the parallels that seem to suggest that I'm innately flawed, it is my fault that people will abandon me when I need them most.
I am angry
I was not abandoned tonight.
"The squeaky wheel gets the grease"
And that makes me angry too. I don't want to be the squeaky wheel... because my squeak is a big vicious wolf snarl ...a wolf that has been mistaken for a bad dog that shouldn't be feed.
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