From "accept your perfectly imperfect" to "your perfectly imperfect is completely unacceptable."
Last night I dreamt of my brother who died
and I miss him
Men that I see remind me of Mykel Henrie
He's broken
Then the reserve shoot, I see deployed
and aunt Dee Dee
who died skydiving when I was in ninth grade.
Her reserve shoot too late.
Mykel Henrie, not enough time
Jason... His life too short
I feel sad
and unacceptable
why?
...the problem with "letting it burn out"
is that "it" is me
Saturday, June 29, 2019
Friday, June 28, 2019
TBI- knowing vs understanding
Sad, and oh so tired. These games have made me oh so tired.
I don't have the cognitive, mental and emotional stamina to fight this fight. It really wears me out.
The thing is they know this.
They know this and they are using it to their advantage.
I don't know exactly what I have stumbled onto in all of this but things they know well about head injury/TBI and psychology they have tried to use against me.
What they keep ignoring and not wanting to hear is that I have been fighting this battle for over 28 years now. I have been working to adjust, cope and overcome the tired, push crash, emotional and mental health related issues that -they know- are so common with head injury. I have been learning and adjusting to these problems for longer than they have all been in practice; longer than the Neuroscience Institute has even been in business.
and a business, sadly, seems to be all that they are.
There are so many things that they know about head injury/TBI but that they don't understand.
I understand what they know. I have lived it for so very long.
...Reciprocity would be much better.
Thursday, June 27, 2019
the beginning of the end
I feel sad and low. and oh so slow. not at all sure which way to go.
He's a narcissist say some
inappropriate say others
abuse for sure, of power and more
...and I have an obligation to report.
moral.
Logically and rationally, it's what I need to do
but I really don't want to.
no apology. no acknowledgement of mistakes. no explanation
a letter of explanation, no apology needed, just tell me your take, why my brain reacted that way...
but none.
Red flags, so many, Ignored
because he's so nice and certainly I am the aggressor. and "crazy. but not manic" they say.
It's not rational. their logic does not make sense.
-But I don't stand a chance and they know it -mental heath issues, and behavioral they've labeled. they are in control, ...fighting fire with fire,
but gaslighting manic will burn us all down.
...
I have to turn him in. report this to the state, and maybe beyond. All of them.
And it makes me so sad.
so so sad
He's a narcissist say some
inappropriate say others
abuse for sure, of power and more
...and I have an obligation to report.
moral.
Logically and rationally, it's what I need to do
but I really don't want to.
no apology. no acknowledgement of mistakes. no explanation
a letter of explanation, no apology needed, just tell me your take, why my brain reacted that way...
but none.
Red flags, so many, Ignored
because he's so nice and certainly I am the aggressor. and "crazy. but not manic" they say.
It's not rational. their logic does not make sense.
-But I don't stand a chance and they know it -mental heath issues, and behavioral they've labeled. they are in control, ...fighting fire with fire,
but gaslighting manic will burn us all down.
...
I have to turn him in. report this to the state, and maybe beyond. All of them.
And it makes me so sad.
so so sad
Tuesday, June 25, 2019
Monday, June 24, 2019
a moment
I need a moment.
The run of emotions today is so high
at funeral I didn't even cry
Now off to work...
But I need a moment,
as fatigue is starting to press hard.
Relief, release, will writing help now? Or should I close my eyes. I'm pushing my 80. Maybe already beyond, but what do you do when there is more to be done?
This is the struggle with my tenacious brain and the mark that was left internally.
The run of emotions today is so high
at funeral I didn't even cry
Now off to work...
But I need a moment,
as fatigue is starting to press hard.
Relief, release, will writing help now? Or should I close my eyes. I'm pushing my 80. Maybe already beyond, but what do you do when there is more to be done?
This is the struggle with my tenacious brain and the mark that was left internally.
Sunday, June 23, 2019
Silly, silly artistry
Yet, focused on fix
I can certainly say that I am far better off this way.
And really, I think,
not so much broken anymore,
rather I am still just weak.
Rebuilding takes time if you want it solid,
If you'd rather not push too hard thus causing cracks in the scars.
So slow I go as I grow
more gracefully into me
Grace may not be the right word but whatever. I like who I am and I like all of my silly artistry.
I can certainly say that I am far better off this way.
And really, I think,
not so much broken anymore,
rather I am still just weak.
Rebuilding takes time if you want it solid,
If you'd rather not push too hard thus causing cracks in the scars.
So slow I go as I grow
more gracefully into me
Grace may not be the right word but whatever. I like who I am and I like all of my silly artistry.
 |
| Last night, we got home late, but so much emotion was wanting to push out. The canvas and color that sat in the garage called and I succumbed. So with fingers and hands, while tears streamed silent, I let what was hiding inside push out. |
Can we pass on healing?
Today I crave sleep.
MH, the fallen angel, is in such bad shape and I know it. I want to sleep, and let my healing energy somehow pass on to him.
But I know I can't. It is impossible to do this. So then I wish to sleep to keep the heart from hurt and to keep the mind from memories, meaning and maybe even mania.
And I am still healing.
Not just my ankle, but my whole leg and hip now remind me. The other foot and the tired brain remind me.
Then there are the scratches all up and down my legs... new wounds, new healing.
.But healing is happening and stronger I become.
..My heart, though it hurts for this new man, this time it simply hurts figuratively. Not the depth and complexity, not the injured chemistry.
Today I feel it in my chest but not so nearly physically.
Back in November my heart physically hurt. I could feel the chemicals surging and it hurt. Only to subside per the tabs of the drug that had caused it. But with out the drug -I was no longer allowed- it hurt. off and on physically, all the way through to somewhere in March or April. That is a very long time, but I'm glad I'm adjusting. I'm healing.
The process is so slow and confusing
broken in my own way
yet still far better off, in my childish state,
than the man that fell from the sky yesterday.
MH, the fallen angel, is in such bad shape and I know it. I want to sleep, and let my healing energy somehow pass on to him.
But I know I can't. It is impossible to do this. So then I wish to sleep to keep the heart from hurt and to keep the mind from memories, meaning and maybe even mania.
And I am still healing.
Not just my ankle, but my whole leg and hip now remind me. The other foot and the tired brain remind me.
Then there are the scratches all up and down my legs... new wounds, new healing.
.But healing is happening and stronger I become.
..My heart, though it hurts for this new man, this time it simply hurts figuratively. Not the depth and complexity, not the injured chemistry.
Today I feel it in my chest but not so nearly physically.
Back in November my heart physically hurt. I could feel the chemicals surging and it hurt. Only to subside per the tabs of the drug that had caused it. But with out the drug -I was no longer allowed- it hurt. off and on physically, all the way through to somewhere in March or April. That is a very long time, but I'm glad I'm adjusting. I'm healing.
The process is so slow and confusing
broken in my own way
yet still far better off, in my childish state,
than the man that fell from the sky yesterday.
Saturday, June 22, 2019
Fallen Angels fall so fast.
A man falling from the sky.
He really could die
right after husband said "the penalty is high"
For this freedom to fly
Why?
I run as soon as we know its not going to be good. The stakes are high. He really could die.
Call 911, get your phone, no go to that house. Others around already have. Husband follows, I'm faster. He tells me to be careful of my ankle. He loves me. He thinks of me.
It's fine and it will be, at least better than the man who fell if someone doesn't get to him fast.
through fields. I don't have the stamina, but I push. I see the chute and I shred my legs as I push to get to where he's landed. Closer; I see a man walking. He's okay.... But I know better. It's help. Others are there but I don't stop. Do they know what to do and what not to do? Will they know how to protect his head, neck and back? Will they know how to help him breath or close a gapping gushing wound? I keep going. We get there they have it under control. Keeping him from moving, keeping him awake. I analyze fast, legs shorter, get in close large chin gash to the bone not gushing, from chin strap. bend down make sure the two attending know what they are doing. I stay close. Touch. It is so important. Keep him here, awake. Touch his face. I know my power. They are all men. He is in good hands, but I may be needed. Everything we can to help him hold on until they can get to him and care.
He wants to move his legs. They hurt. He can feel them. He wants to move his head. I am asked to take the position to stabilize his head. He wants things elevated. I tell him that they are, so he won't keep trying to use his fully functional arms to flop then over again. He calls me out that they are not. "It is good that you can feel that," I say with a smile, "hold on, they are coming"
"Can you move to the side?"
He really could die
right after husband said "the penalty is high"
For this freedom to fly
Why?
I run as soon as we know its not going to be good. The stakes are high. He really could die.
Call 911, get your phone, no go to that house. Others around already have. Husband follows, I'm faster. He tells me to be careful of my ankle. He loves me. He thinks of me.
It's fine and it will be, at least better than the man who fell if someone doesn't get to him fast.
through fields. I don't have the stamina, but I push. I see the chute and I shred my legs as I push to get to where he's landed. Closer; I see a man walking. He's okay.... But I know better. It's help. Others are there but I don't stop. Do they know what to do and what not to do? Will they know how to protect his head, neck and back? Will they know how to help him breath or close a gapping gushing wound? I keep going. We get there they have it under control. Keeping him from moving, keeping him awake. I analyze fast, legs shorter, get in close large chin gash to the bone not gushing, from chin strap. bend down make sure the two attending know what they are doing. I stay close. Touch. It is so important. Keep him here, awake. Touch his face. I know my power. They are all men. He is in good hands, but I may be needed. Everything we can to help him hold on until they can get to him and care.
He wants to move his legs. They hurt. He can feel them. He wants to move his head. I am asked to take the position to stabilize his head. He wants things elevated. I tell him that they are, so he won't keep trying to use his fully functional arms to flop then over again. He calls me out that they are not. "It is good that you can feel that," I say with a smile, "hold on, they are coming"
"Can you move to the side?"
"Are you the EMT?"
"No," he says but as I turn to see he has a uniform and open bag is moving fast and he knows what to do. I move knowing he probably misheard. I ask where they want me. No time to reply as another guy, 2 more, in uniform come on. I move out of the way.
Doggo, where I left him leash attached to the fence.
Husband standing back.
Emergency responders are there, and more coming. People with more experience and training the gear and supplies. We can go. I don't want to be in the way now. I retreat but not before surveying the scene. There is another female present now. She can fill that role if that role is needed.
Life is so very short and can change in the blink of an eye. We learn so much so quickly when life is truly threatened. I know more about me and husband than I did before.
Confirmed: Instinct and intuition, I'm calm in the storm, I know what to do. and can make decisions quickly. ...and I will sacrifice me and my wellbeing for the sake of someone else.
Husband: He loves me so much he's thinking of my ankle. He'll follow directions when it matters. He's slower to respond and not as sure about what to do but he's there and he'll support and surely see it through.
He's also very clever, reminding me the cost.
We are not so keen to fly so much anymore, that drive instantly satisfied with the reality of the price.
I pray for this man to be okay, and that doesn't mean to survive. I hope that he lives but I hope more than that, no matter where he is, he'll thrive again.
Why do we press for the thrills the adventures that come at such high costs?
Who am I and what's really important?
So many things learned so quickly. And my life so completely bizarre.
Walking home I fight a limp now, to keep up with my husband. finally I retreat and listen to me as I know I am pushing too hard on injuries not fully healed. He'll go ahead and bring back the car, while I sit and wait. As I fall behind I feel relief because I don't want him to see the tears come out of me. I don't want him to see me breaking again and know the ties to the injuries. Enough trauma for one day. and the tears they barely wet my eyes and then they come no more. I'm dazed and writing it out in my head as I wait and analyze the sacrificed socks and scratched up legs. This is reality and this is me.
Please, God, please bless and protect the fallen angel Mykel Henrie. https://www.gofundme.com/mykel-henrie039s-accident-recovery-fund
Doggo, where I left him leash attached to the fence.
Husband standing back.
Emergency responders are there, and more coming. People with more experience and training the gear and supplies. We can go. I don't want to be in the way now. I retreat but not before surveying the scene. There is another female present now. She can fill that role if that role is needed.
Life is so very short and can change in the blink of an eye. We learn so much so quickly when life is truly threatened. I know more about me and husband than I did before.
Confirmed: Instinct and intuition, I'm calm in the storm, I know what to do. and can make decisions quickly. ...and I will sacrifice me and my wellbeing for the sake of someone else.
Husband: He loves me so much he's thinking of my ankle. He'll follow directions when it matters. He's slower to respond and not as sure about what to do but he's there and he'll support and surely see it through.
He's also very clever, reminding me the cost.
We are not so keen to fly so much anymore, that drive instantly satisfied with the reality of the price.
I pray for this man to be okay, and that doesn't mean to survive. I hope that he lives but I hope more than that, no matter where he is, he'll thrive again.
Why do we press for the thrills the adventures that come at such high costs?
Who am I and what's really important?
So many things learned so quickly. And my life so completely bizarre.
Walking home I fight a limp now, to keep up with my husband. finally I retreat and listen to me as I know I am pushing too hard on injuries not fully healed. He'll go ahead and bring back the car, while I sit and wait. As I fall behind I feel relief because I don't want him to see the tears come out of me. I don't want him to see me breaking again and know the ties to the injuries. Enough trauma for one day. and the tears they barely wet my eyes and then they come no more. I'm dazed and writing it out in my head as I wait and analyze the sacrificed socks and scratched up legs. This is reality and this is me.
Please, God, please bless and protect the fallen angel Mykel Henrie. https://www.gofundme.com/mykel-henrie039s-accident-recovery-fund
rewrite the wrongs
They say you can't rewrite your past. But actually you can in so many ways. and people do all of the time.
I can rewrite my focus and my perspective.
My husband, running with me, on a broken leg and we didn't even know it. No changing of truth, just changing of understanding and perspective, lets go of frustration and hurt, now the past is rewritten to a happier, even comical story.
Rewrite your past. Find the truths you may have over looked, find the parts that can give you peace and comfort and rewrite your own wrongs, than love the new you
I can rewrite my focus and my perspective.
My husband, running with me, on a broken leg and we didn't even know it. No changing of truth, just changing of understanding and perspective, lets go of frustration and hurt, now the past is rewritten to a happier, even comical story.
Rewrite your past. Find the truths you may have over looked, find the parts that can give you peace and comfort and rewrite your own wrongs, than love the new you
Piñata People -Per Tab
My chemistry is getting all awry again and I am not entirely sure why.
I'm getting a little messed up again and chemicals are starting to surge and it really bothers me. Although it can be exhilarating it bothers me when I have to work so hard to maintain the "normal" levels. I don't like when I have to make such an effort to pretend that I'm just like all the other unimpaired humanoids walking around; when I struggle to keep down the reckless party that is pushing internally on my piñata like walls, waiting to be burst by any happy party goer.
That was yesterday. I took a quarter of a clonazepam to counter the chemistry. It helped.
...but I still hate that at times I seem to need that. Do I?
That was yesterday. I took a quarter of a clonazepam to counter the chemistry. It helped.
...but I still hate that at times I seem to need that. Do I?
Friday, June 21, 2019
Superpowers
A manic has the super powers but lacks the discipline and often doesn't know how to control those superpowers.
A narcissist has no superpowers but has a lot of control and even self discipline. They often mistake that for superpowers.
What a nightmare of a pair
or Hancock style match.
a comedian
I am funny
as I try to illustrate the power of chemistry and connection so carelessly handled.
A narcissist has no superpowers but has a lot of control and even self discipline. They often mistake that for superpowers.
What a nightmare of a pair
or Hancock style match.
a comedian
I am funny
as I try to illustrate the power of chemistry and connection so carelessly handled.
Thursday, June 20, 2019
/|\ /\ /|\ that feels about right \|/ Grow and go
and now somehow I need to get unstuck
avoiding phone calls and texts that I actually care about
of some significance.
trouble with my job and I'm not responding
things that are not trouble and I just don't care
I'm stuck a bit
time to unstick
and I'll write it out to get me out
of my very own head
Off to find some surface to paint out the rest of me. to let the colors git all mixed up and show me what I see/\
That little image came on its own so I'll let it.
Good day
time to play
avoiding phone calls and texts that I actually care about
of some significance.
trouble with my job and I'm not responding
things that are not trouble and I just don't care
I'm stuck a bit
time to unstick
and I'll write it out to get me out
of my very own head
Off to find some surface to paint out the rest of me. to let the colors git all mixed up and show me what I see/\
That little image came on its own so I'll let it.
Good day
time to play
In Bed
When I was trying to solve the mystery of my head you thought I was trying to solve the mystery of your bed (or you wanted me to)
A giant arrow, I've never seen before just confirmed the truth I hit on
am I going crazy
all gaslight up
so you can burn out?
you sent me back<
back to what I was
the better safer place for me?
not back. not here.
>>> but no future
a monster
behind the mask
"I'll fuck you up
if
you mess with me"
but he says in it his oh so nice way: "What we've had is a beautiful thing and I wouldn't want to fuck that up"
... said like that it feels like your fault
oh the mind trap
I'm here again for solving
...but that's just it
I was trying to solve what was in my head
not what was in his bed
A giant arrow, I've never seen before just confirmed the truth I hit on
am I going crazy
all gaslight up
so you can burn out?
you sent me back<
back to what I was
the better safer place for me?
not back. not here.
>>> but no future
a monster
behind the mask
"I'll fuck you up
if
you mess with me"
but he says in it his oh so nice way: "What we've had is a beautiful thing and I wouldn't want to fuck that up"
... said like that it feels like your fault
oh the mind trap
I'm here again for solving
...but that's just it
I was trying to solve what was in my head
not what was in his bed
Identity
I am not a sex crazed artist.
That’s just not me.
He tried to turn me into his Fantasy
And I need to turn him in.
Sometimes doing the right thing is so very difficult
My sister likes that my fire has returned. I am me again she says. But I also need to be aware of how I cut people off she says... from helping me.
To protect them from me?
This is too too much
He, A monster, she says, from the beginning...
I am not what he has made me out to be
I am walled and protected in my transparency.
I am glass
these walls are made of glass
These walls are made of me
Alone
I have faced so much and felt I was supposed to
why?
the layers of the onion
when I get to the center I will find nothing
so why keep peeling back the layers
that are making me cry
so very much
Broken
again
and
again
why?
a child
Please please let me be the adult
and release me from this fantasy
talk with me
I am not so scary
unless you want me to be
these walls are made of glass
and easily broken
please
help me understand
so I don't have to turn you in
for breaking the walls you were supposed to leave.
-your demolition crew got carried away and then walked away...
no more negative stigma from the team whose job it is to fight that
Please
whatever it needs to be
....writing just for me
already over 80
That’s just not me.
He tried to turn me into his Fantasy
And I need to turn him in.
Sometimes doing the right thing is so very difficult
My sister likes that my fire has returned. I am me again she says. But I also need to be aware of how I cut people off she says... from helping me.
To protect them from me?
This is too too much
He, A monster, she says, from the beginning...
I am not what he has made me out to be
I am walled and protected in my transparency.
I am glass
these walls are made of glass
These walls are made of me
Alone
I have faced so much and felt I was supposed to
why?
the layers of the onion
when I get to the center I will find nothing
so why keep peeling back the layers
that are making me cry
so very much
Broken
again
and
again
why?
a child
Please please let me be the adult
and release me from this fantasy
talk with me
I am not so scary
unless you want me to be
these walls are made of glass
and easily broken
please
help me understand
so I don't have to turn you in
for breaking the walls you were supposed to leave.
-your demolition crew got carried away and then walked away...
no more negative stigma from the team whose job it is to fight that
Please
whatever it needs to be
....writing just for me
already over 80
logic suggests
My logical, rational brain
Knows now, understands why people don't want to turn in what they know is not right, when they have been treated wrong.
They want to believe that they are special.
They irony, the double edged sword, maybe even the hypocrisy? is that if one does turn someone in and they really were "special," "the only one" they will forever feel that they have just betrayed that magical mystical fairytale fantasy of just "the one."
Is this the conspiracy of Hollywood, fairytales and Walt?
Is this the bigger bad I am struggling to understand?
He won't talk to me, and it is not to protect me, it is to protect himself. But his job was to help me and put my wellbeing first, he is obligated to legally and ethically, but I became his fairytale fantasy or another token in his collection of games. I am not a token and I do not belong on his proverbial shelf, waiting for his disposal, his next play.
Dr. Concussion, you too? part of the game. to tell me I'd be better served somewhere else and promise to help me find a new team only to abandon that because you can't find anyone yourself. You, the doctor in the industry can't find a fit for me? But somehow I am supposed to, when I have voiced this as my struggle and my concern, I have told you? You are the right place and the right fit from my own research. This makes no sense.
their is something pathological to this and it might not be me
Knows now, understands why people don't want to turn in what they know is not right, when they have been treated wrong.
They want to believe that they are special.
They irony, the double edged sword, maybe even the hypocrisy? is that if one does turn someone in and they really were "special," "the only one" they will forever feel that they have just betrayed that magical mystical fairytale fantasy of just "the one."
Is this the conspiracy of Hollywood, fairytales and Walt?
Is this the bigger bad I am struggling to understand?
He won't talk to me, and it is not to protect me, it is to protect himself. But his job was to help me and put my wellbeing first, he is obligated to legally and ethically, but I became his fairytale fantasy or another token in his collection of games. I am not a token and I do not belong on his proverbial shelf, waiting for his disposal, his next play.
Dr. Concussion, you too? part of the game. to tell me I'd be better served somewhere else and promise to help me find a new team only to abandon that because you can't find anyone yourself. You, the doctor in the industry can't find a fit for me? But somehow I am supposed to, when I have voiced this as my struggle and my concern, I have told you? You are the right place and the right fit from my own research. This makes no sense.
their is something pathological to this and it might not be me
Wednesday, June 19, 2019
Masks
Hoping to be noticed
Not wanting to be seen
or
Hoping to be seen
without being noticed
What kind of masks do you have in your invisible wardrobe?
Countertransference
Feeling your own pain
Is confusing your brain
Not wanting to be seen
or
Hoping to be seen
without being noticed
What kind of masks do you have in your invisible wardrobe?
Countertransference
Feeling your own pain
Is confusing your brain
Tuesday, June 18, 2019
3:23am
I am so tired
I am so tired of this.
Waking and not being able to go back to sleep because my brain is trying to solve more mysteries of the games the people of IHC Neuroscience Institute are playing with me.
They will do nothing, absolutely nothing to: resolve the issues, follow through on the treatment I have and still am paying for and/or apologize, accept any responsibility for or admit their making any mistakes (other then Office Director's abuses which include yelling at me in front of my kids). To be clear initially I was asking that the Neuropsychologist, (referred to on this blog as Dr. Perri Cheri), explain his diagnosis and prognosis, I was trying to explain that he missed something that was going on with me that I was trying to understand and figure out. I was trying to understand why I reacted the way I had, even why he dropped me when, or maybe just why, these memories (the ones they are now claiming to be "prior undisclosed" and "behavioral mental health" issues) were flooding back when they were.
I wanted to understand what was going on with my head, why and what to do about it and I knew Dr. Cheri would know better than anyone because of what we had been working on in therapy and what had transpired in regards to conversations on transference and counter-transference. I recognized he made some mistakes and I understood why I could no longer be his patient yet in trying to move and trying to understand what was going on with my brain I really needed to understand what I knew he would likely be able to explain easily
...but alas he has avoided with tenacity and affront having any conversation with me. I have asked for a conversation with he and concussion Dr. or he and anyone else present but they will not allow it. this makes no sense to me. They claim I threatened him. The only threat would have been my saying I didn't want to but if that is what I had to do I would do it and that was in response to him saying I would need to file a complaint with his superiors because he was not willing to talk to me and he would not respond to my email asking for clarification and would not in the future. It was his way of reaffirming he would no longer have anything to do with me. It was also his way of covering his legal ass.
The problem with that is, he only needed to cover his legal ass if he had done something terribly wrong or if he was planning for the future and intended to rigidly follow the 2 year no contact letter of his law.
Now at this point in conversation is when I tend to loss people because either a. I am struggling to articulate to my level of intelligence (it's definitely one of the more frustrating TBI long term side-effects)...
Or b. I’m confused myself and this situation is so very complex...
I am so tired of this.
Waking and not being able to go back to sleep because my brain is trying to solve more mysteries of the games the people of IHC Neuroscience Institute are playing with me.
They will do nothing, absolutely nothing to: resolve the issues, follow through on the treatment I have and still am paying for and/or apologize, accept any responsibility for or admit their making any mistakes (other then Office Director's abuses which include yelling at me in front of my kids). To be clear initially I was asking that the Neuropsychologist, (referred to on this blog as Dr. Perri Cheri), explain his diagnosis and prognosis, I was trying to explain that he missed something that was going on with me that I was trying to understand and figure out. I was trying to understand why I reacted the way I had, even why he dropped me when, or maybe just why, these memories (the ones they are now claiming to be "prior undisclosed" and "behavioral mental health" issues) were flooding back when they were.
I wanted to understand what was going on with my head, why and what to do about it and I knew Dr. Cheri would know better than anyone because of what we had been working on in therapy and what had transpired in regards to conversations on transference and counter-transference. I recognized he made some mistakes and I understood why I could no longer be his patient yet in trying to move and trying to understand what was going on with my brain I really needed to understand what I knew he would likely be able to explain easily
...but alas he has avoided with tenacity and affront having any conversation with me. I have asked for a conversation with he and concussion Dr. or he and anyone else present but they will not allow it. this makes no sense to me. They claim I threatened him. The only threat would have been my saying I didn't want to but if that is what I had to do I would do it and that was in response to him saying I would need to file a complaint with his superiors because he was not willing to talk to me and he would not respond to my email asking for clarification and would not in the future. It was his way of reaffirming he would no longer have anything to do with me. It was also his way of covering his legal ass.
The problem with that is, he only needed to cover his legal ass if he had done something terribly wrong or if he was planning for the future and intended to rigidly follow the 2 year no contact letter of his law.
Now at this point in conversation is when I tend to loss people because either a. I am struggling to articulate to my level of intelligence (it's definitely one of the more frustrating TBI long term side-effects)...
Or b. I’m confused myself and this situation is so very complex...
Monday, June 17, 2019
Please release me from your fantasy
"(b) Psychologists do not engage in sexual intimacies with former clients/patients even after a two-year interval except in the most unusual circumstances. Psychologists who engage in such activity after the two years following cessation or termination of therapy and of having no sexual contact with the former client/patient bear the burden of demonstrating that there has been no exploitation, in light of all relevant factors, including (1) the amount of time that has passed since therapy terminated; (2) the nature, duration, and intensity of the therapy; (3) the circumstances of termination; (4) the client's/patient's personal history; (5) the client's/patient's current mental status; (6) the likelihood of adverse impact on the client/patient; and (7) any statements or actions made by the therapist during the course of therapy suggesting or inviting the possibility of a posttermination sexual or romantic relationship with the client/patient."
https://www.apa.org/ethics/code/
Please, Dear Dr. Cheri, release me from your fantasy. Are you fighting for me now or were you grooming and now covering? Please stop the game. I cannot be what you want me to be or you very much misunderstood me. It was the dream I was referring to, not any rules you have to live by.
Your lack of apology, no accountability, and no contact keeps my tired broken brain tied to this lie. Deep down in your psychological psyche are you still holding onto me?
Please release me.
-e
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