And what about the grooming psychologist?
When he realizes it is not going as planned all he has to do is claim "counter-transference" and he is off scotch free. Easy peasy
They are dropped, with their scarlet letter of L and he's the hero for not succumbing and moves on easy while the groomed is left with an altered mind.
The grooming was working, just has he knew it would, but she was too instinctively in tune due to so many things he forgot to learn in his effort to maintain a safe grooming distance, that she so naturally -without even realizing- was putting into place the safeguards against it. Determined to be what she needed to so desperately believe she was; something of value.
But she had been manipulated to believe he cares too deeply and she is a liability. She has been manipulated (when she is vulnerable) to believe that her uniqueness has never really been appreciated by others, that she isolates herself and that she is in fact the one looking for something sexual.
..now sex with her husband is sex with the other man... and the man who makes it good, she'll never have.
What have you done!!!...what have I become...
He's fine and nothing worse for the wear.
but what will become of her, the forbidden?
Saturday, February 23, 2019
Psychology is bullshit
I think that the profession of psychology is total bullshit. They decide what you are and then manipulate how you behave to fit whatever diagnosis or prognosis most benefits them.
Then they teach you to be independent or dependent depending on what they want the outcome to be. I bet most people going to psychologists actually have a better perception of reality than the therapists.
Okay, that is a bit of an angry, jaded exaggeration.
But I am starting to really understand why my friend does not want to go because she is afraid of "something like that happening." To trust, be betrayed or manipulated and then discarded like trash and told treatment is complete. That is such bullshit.
"You truly are the worthless trash you questioned you were coming in. We can confirm that for you, solidify it into a solid belief. Yep, you are not worth our time but we will still charge you for it." what a great note to end on. And all your efforts to understand your own mood stability, to clarify, set the record straight and to have your questions about your mental state answered are going to be warped into whatever egotistical power play they want to use to get you to go away. But you better believe they will not negotiate. Why would they? You are merely a liability for asking and must be looking to do as much harm as they have. Or you must just be looking for a lawsuit because nobody in the real world actually cares and the professional and personal worlds only cross when someone is looking to make money, right? It's such bullshit.
"dono ...more... harm [then they can]"
Yep, I'd rather be my kind of crazy.
Then they teach you to be independent or dependent depending on what they want the outcome to be. I bet most people going to psychologists actually have a better perception of reality than the therapists.
Okay, that is a bit of an angry, jaded exaggeration.
But I am starting to really understand why my friend does not want to go because she is afraid of "something like that happening." To trust, be betrayed or manipulated and then discarded like trash and told treatment is complete. That is such bullshit.
"You truly are the worthless trash you questioned you were coming in. We can confirm that for you, solidify it into a solid belief. Yep, you are not worth our time but we will still charge you for it." what a great note to end on. And all your efforts to understand your own mood stability, to clarify, set the record straight and to have your questions about your mental state answered are going to be warped into whatever egotistical power play they want to use to get you to go away. But you better believe they will not negotiate. Why would they? You are merely a liability for asking and must be looking to do as much harm as they have. Or you must just be looking for a lawsuit because nobody in the real world actually cares and the professional and personal worlds only cross when someone is looking to make money, right? It's such bullshit.
"do
Yep, I'd rather be my kind of crazy.
Thursday, February 21, 2019
Opioids?
It was a good reset and I am still feeling strength from it.
But last night -hard time sleeping.
Because I didn't feel like I needed it
Oh no
...and new thoughts
not that this is bad, but remember
I am a bit fragile in my stability.
Opioids-hydrocodone
These things kill pain. They make you feel good, that is why people get addicted. Oh yeah... hmm could this be the real reason why I felt "normal" and so happy about it?
Should I just enjoy that and go with it?
Since it was about 1:00 am and I had not overly slept that day after really not sleeping before getting up at 5 am for surgery... although I had a great nap going under...
-I do, at times, think it would be nice to just not even worry about such things.
But alas for me that is not always the wise option and that is okay. I am okay with thinking it through and planning ahead to keep me "stable." I find my mind to be a fascinating place at times and this is one of those. I am fascinating to study when I am "crazy" and to truly figure it out sometimes I need to test and research but now does not seem like a good time to test with a new drug.
So opioids: what might be the potential risks there for me?
My husband was surprised they weren't knocking me out. Of course I was only taking one. My pain has been tiny, I am more trying to "stay ahead of the pain" and control swelling.
But this new drug is definitely not knocking me out and... crap, this is odd, that sex drive is feeling... stronger...
So I took to my phone for a moment, to research a bit, to make sure I am staying in a reasonably safe place.
okay phone "can opioids trigger mania?" I am pretty sure, as fun as that can be, I do not want that while I am trying to heal an ankle that requires 6 weeks of no weight bearing. And it is 6 weeks, believe me, I tried to get the doctor to negotiate on that, but, nope six weeks is the minimum on this one to be sure it heals correctly and if I am going to go through the hassle I want it to heal correctly. so mania... probably not a good time to test that.
What does my search turn up? ncbi.nln.nih.gov "Mood-elevating effects of opioid analgesics in patients with bipolar disorder"
disclaimer: I do not claim bipolar. I struggle with mood stability but this could be more head injury related than anything else. I still don't recall if I have formally been diagnosed. I refuse those (formal diagnosis's). I do not feel they are helpful when there is so much stigma attached and I do not want to be defined by that label. Also I have (or at least believe I have) been able to figure out and monitor myself reasonably well to stay level. At times I go on medication but I do not always need medication. However, that is the label that turns up again and again when I search for answers and solutions to help me stay safely and reasonably grounded. (it is times like this that I feel very cheated by the neuropsychiatrist that dropped me and now refuses to talk to me, but I digress) but in this information I find that opioids have been found to be helpful in "refractory depression" -refractory; that is a new word, it just means stubborn. Which I do not have, but the fact that it helps in with depression is interesting. I also find that "analgesic opioids" have been found to trigger mania in one study. There is not a ton of information immediately so it is not likely a well studied or common knowledge "problem." But it is enough for me to rethink the use of the opioids. The pleasant mood is nice but at 3:45 am I decided on ibuprofen and melatonin... I need to keep a decent sleep cycle and I suppose if there is a risk of mania I will opt out for now. I've got things to do that would be best to stay level through.
It is fascinating though that our pain receiving part of the brain does not distinguish between physical and psychological pain. It is no wonder that yesterday I felt so much more free of that burden... maybe I will end up carefully using these opioids but not to kill the ankle pain and more research is needed before I make that decision. (to be clear, I am referring to the potential of carefully using a low dose to pull through the heartache and psychological pain of my recent loss. I am not implying anything illegal, irresponsible or suicidal)
But last night -hard time sleeping.
Because I didn't feel like I needed it
Oh no
...and new thoughts
not that this is bad, but remember
I am a bit fragile in my stability.
Opioids-hydrocodone
These things kill pain. They make you feel good, that is why people get addicted. Oh yeah... hmm could this be the real reason why I felt "normal" and so happy about it?
Should I just enjoy that and go with it?
Since it was about 1:00 am and I had not overly slept that day after really not sleeping before getting up at 5 am for surgery... although I had a great nap going under...
-I do, at times, think it would be nice to just not even worry about such things.
But alas for me that is not always the wise option and that is okay. I am okay with thinking it through and planning ahead to keep me "stable." I find my mind to be a fascinating place at times and this is one of those. I am fascinating to study when I am "crazy" and to truly figure it out sometimes I need to test and research but now does not seem like a good time to test with a new drug.
So opioids: what might be the potential risks there for me?
My husband was surprised they weren't knocking me out. Of course I was only taking one. My pain has been tiny, I am more trying to "stay ahead of the pain" and control swelling.
But this new drug is definitely not knocking me out and... crap, this is odd, that sex drive is feeling... stronger...
So I took to my phone for a moment, to research a bit, to make sure I am staying in a reasonably safe place.
okay phone "can opioids trigger mania?" I am pretty sure, as fun as that can be, I do not want that while I am trying to heal an ankle that requires 6 weeks of no weight bearing. And it is 6 weeks, believe me, I tried to get the doctor to negotiate on that, but, nope six weeks is the minimum on this one to be sure it heals correctly and if I am going to go through the hassle I want it to heal correctly. so mania... probably not a good time to test that.
What does my search turn up? ncbi.nln.nih.gov "Mood-elevating effects of opioid analgesics in patients with bipolar disorder"
disclaimer: I do not claim bipolar. I struggle with mood stability but this could be more head injury related than anything else. I still don't recall if I have formally been diagnosed. I refuse those (formal diagnosis's). I do not feel they are helpful when there is so much stigma attached and I do not want to be defined by that label. Also I have (or at least believe I have) been able to figure out and monitor myself reasonably well to stay level. At times I go on medication but I do not always need medication. However, that is the label that turns up again and again when I search for answers and solutions to help me stay safely and reasonably grounded. (it is times like this that I feel very cheated by the neuropsychiatrist that dropped me and now refuses to talk to me, but I digress) but in this information I find that opioids have been found to be helpful in "refractory depression" -refractory; that is a new word, it just means stubborn. Which I do not have, but the fact that it helps in with depression is interesting. I also find that "analgesic opioids" have been found to trigger mania in one study. There is not a ton of information immediately so it is not likely a well studied or common knowledge "problem." But it is enough for me to rethink the use of the opioids. The pleasant mood is nice but at 3:45 am I decided on ibuprofen and melatonin... I need to keep a decent sleep cycle and I suppose if there is a risk of mania I will opt out for now. I've got things to do that would be best to stay level through.
It is fascinating though that our pain receiving part of the brain does not distinguish between physical and psychological pain. It is no wonder that yesterday I felt so much more free of that burden... maybe I will end up carefully using these opioids but not to kill the ankle pain and more research is needed before I make that decision. (to be clear, I am referring to the potential of carefully using a low dose to pull through the heartache and psychological pain of my recent loss. I am not implying anything illegal, irresponsible or suicidal)
Wednesday, February 20, 2019
Pleasantries and Surgeries
YAY! Ankle surgery done and I'm going to be okay.
I am seriously so happy right now that my surgeon is now my new boyfriend.
I am totally kidding about the boyfriend (he's not, it's only funny in light of recent events -that weren't actually even like that)
But I am seriously happy because surgery went well and I came out of anesthesia just fine.
No weird freaky emotions that I was fearing. Nothing like coming out of anesthesia 12 years ago when I had my wisdom teeth removed.
It means I am not so broken after all. I am really truly going to be just fine.
Going in I was sooo scared. Toughing it out and pleasantry with the nurse that set the iv and all that but nervous.
Then the operation nurse came in... and, oh no, not another bizarre emotional coincidence. It was my brother's ex-mother-in-law. Not someone I feel too fondly of for a few good reasons. And I had to trust her? I have not seen her for a couple of years and we don't know each other in person all that well so she either didn't recognize me or acted as though she did not recognize me but I definitely recognized her. A conundrum. What to do? Request a new nurse? Not really anytime. So when she came back I reminded her of who I was. She was kind and polite, she even gave me a hug. That was good and she introduced me as the aunty to her grand babies, great direction to take it. It made me feel a little better about it. She wheeled me to the operating room. "I thought I was supposed to be asleep before I came into this scary place" I nervously joked with my doctor.
...But still those histories are hard to erase so quickly and with the nerves already wearing thin and so much to take in in this new room with the familiar and unfamiliar faces I started feeling really funny before they started to drug me. I had to remind myself to breath which really made me cry and it started to feel like a melt down. Fortunately the surgeon and the anesthesiologist and both nurses were so kind and quick to get me to sleep. The anesthesiologist was so sweet and he laughed with me but reassured me when it turned to tears, still carefully holding onto some of my humor as he put me out. Even the nurses/tech, including bro's ex-ma-in-law were sweet as they busily prepped.
The next thing I knew I was waking up and feeling very normal. A little funny but normal and that made me so happy that the new nurses thought I was happy delirious. I was a little but really much more coherent than any of them understood. I'm sure they thought it was strange that I was so happy about my blood pressure and heart rate 114/69 with 54 bpm before and 109/sixty-something with bpm ranging from 45-55 after. That is more like it. That is what my heart likes to be at. I was so relieved to feel so level and happy that it was quite a pleasant experience.
Yay. I needed that.
Surgery was fun and relaxing compared to the crazy that has been going on with me these past few months.
Who'd have thought?
I am confident I can handle this now. I have some faith restored in the medical industry again and I have some faith restored in myself again.
I am seriously so happy right now that my surgeon is now my new boyfriend.
I am totally kidding about the boyfriend (he's not, it's only funny in light of recent events -that weren't actually even like that)
But I am seriously happy because surgery went well and I came out of anesthesia just fine.
No weird freaky emotions that I was fearing. Nothing like coming out of anesthesia 12 years ago when I had my wisdom teeth removed.
It means I am not so broken after all. I am really truly going to be just fine.
Going in I was sooo scared. Toughing it out and pleasantry with the nurse that set the iv and all that but nervous.
Then the operation nurse came in... and, oh no, not another bizarre emotional coincidence. It was my brother's ex-mother-in-law. Not someone I feel too fondly of for a few good reasons. And I had to trust her? I have not seen her for a couple of years and we don't know each other in person all that well so she either didn't recognize me or acted as though she did not recognize me but I definitely recognized her. A conundrum. What to do? Request a new nurse? Not really anytime. So when she came back I reminded her of who I was. She was kind and polite, she even gave me a hug. That was good and she introduced me as the aunty to her grand babies, great direction to take it. It made me feel a little better about it. She wheeled me to the operating room. "I thought I was supposed to be asleep before I came into this scary place" I nervously joked with my doctor.
...But still those histories are hard to erase so quickly and with the nerves already wearing thin and so much to take in in this new room with the familiar and unfamiliar faces I started feeling really funny before they started to drug me. I had to remind myself to breath which really made me cry and it started to feel like a melt down. Fortunately the surgeon and the anesthesiologist and both nurses were so kind and quick to get me to sleep. The anesthesiologist was so sweet and he laughed with me but reassured me when it turned to tears, still carefully holding onto some of my humor as he put me out. Even the nurses/tech, including bro's ex-ma-in-law were sweet as they busily prepped.
The next thing I knew I was waking up and feeling very normal. A little funny but normal and that made me so happy that the new nurses thought I was happy delirious. I was a little but really much more coherent than any of them understood. I'm sure they thought it was strange that I was so happy about my blood pressure and heart rate 114/69 with 54 bpm before and 109/sixty-something with bpm ranging from 45-55 after. That is more like it. That is what my heart likes to be at. I was so relieved to feel so level and happy that it was quite a pleasant experience.
Yay. I needed that.
Surgery was fun and relaxing compared to the crazy that has been going on with me these past few months.
Who'd have thought?
I am confident I can handle this now. I have some faith restored in the medical industry again and I have some faith restored in myself again.
Tuesday, February 19, 2019
Avoidance: my treacherous friend
but in the end I wouldn't even let him open up to me. I kept cutting him off before he could say things that I knew would either get him into trouble or hurt me. I would not let him finish. I would not listen... because I was still protecting
...how does that even work...
I suppose I am safe again. in my sameness
and so is he.
what a miserable place to be.
Even though it is not;
it's ever so interesting
always
and I'll turn it around again... I suppose. maybe I'll do a better job this time.
Maybe I won't
I think I'll go for a walk now
I'll have more time tomorrow for all these stupid haunting head games -tomorrow
bare my sole and get over it completely
You know reality is the best way to kill fantasy. I should have let him be the real I was asking for when I had the chance even though it was hurting more than I could stand...
I didn't avoid anything.
avoidance
you are not a true friend
even though I love you dearly
You hurt me.
again and again
and my family
...how does that even work...
I suppose I am safe again. in my sameness
and so is he.
what a miserable place to be.
Even though it is not;
it's ever so interesting
always
and I'll turn it around again... I suppose. maybe I'll do a better job this time.
Maybe I won't
I think I'll go for a walk now
I'll have more time tomorrow for all these stupid haunting head games -tomorrow
bare my sole and get over it completely
You know reality is the best way to kill fantasy. I should have let him be the real I was asking for when I had the chance even though it was hurting more than I could stand...
I didn't avoid anything.
avoidance
you are not a true friend
even though I love you dearly
You hurt me.
again and again
and my family
Screwed up
I feel nauseous
I go in tomorrow (for that ankle surgery)
my husband is tiring of my mental mess, that is likely to happen, and understandably so, even more because my escalated sex drive is dying/fading.
I am hoping that the man (Dr. P) who is making me pay for my femininity, vulnerabilities, ignorance, foolishness, childishness, strength of character, ability and willingness to love and forgive, desire to understand and be understood, is reading this. I hope he is reading this to keep tabs on me, to know my next move. I hope he is smart enough to know that he can protect himself by doing that.
But I am foolish because they will use whatever I do against me. "twist my words" "behave inappropriately"
I feel sick because it is such a mess to me when the solution is so simple. Do your job, what you have been trained to do. Or is the job a scam? Is it all just insurance fraud?
Money
Is that what it is all about?
Money and sex
I am a prostitute now because my mind has been so screwed up to believe that it was something more than merely transference and counter-transference. so screwed up that I now feel like that is what I am good for.
I failed to give the therapist what he really wanted (sex) so now I'm getting the bills that conveniently had not been charged. But my husband is happy enough with all of this bullshit because he is getting more of it. He is not so happy about the bills that he has to pay for that turned my heart elsewhere though and as I am becoming "worse off than I was before" (his words) and my sex drive is fading I am certain things will not stay as peaceful.
...And with the sex he is the replacement now. and he is paying for it in so many ways. But I can keep him happy... or at least I could
Tomorrow I have ankle surgery. for the same damn accident that had me seeing that neuropsychologist
This is literally fucked up
and this full confession is so much more than I care to publish but this is fucked up and I didn't do this to myself.
I'm scared.
I'll face it
but I'm scared
I'm broken
I'll face it
but I'm broken
I'm confused
I'm facing it
but I'm confused
I'm mostly okay
I'm working to be
and I'll keep working to be
but I'm really not
I'm a piece of shit that is easily discarded
and I am angry and hurt
I am angry that I can do nothing to get answers. I am angry that said therapist is holding power over me and does not care how it is effecting me. He does not give a shit about me after saying things that made me feel like I could be his whole world. I'm angry that he played with my head and my heart like that when I made it very clear that I was not in a safe or stable place, that I had an intense personality. It feels very calculated, like maybe his actions were calculated manipulations. But it went awry because I am. Because even though on paper and in appearance I seem like the perfect target, I am not, because I know too much the reality of what his profession proclaims to try and help. Because I am too familiar with real victims, I've worked to hard to understand and to help too many; friends and family members.
So now I deserved to be destroyed?
And still, am I foolish to hold onto the belief that this could have been accidental? that he could have gotten lost in his profession and his own pain and vulnerabilities?
I'd so much rather talk it out. I am capable of that. As screwed up as I have been, I at least know that about myself. That is one thing I have not lost with my concussion, rejections, firing. I can talk things through, but I am not the only one on the road. To talk things through it takes two (or more). I still have and can, and do. but the ones who cannot sure have been hurtful lately.
and I'm pounding my head against a wall. trying to kick a closed door down... like I knew that I would. Why? Because it hurt too much. because it was too much "there will be no further discussion" no wait, that was the shitty school that fired me, the ones who blame the kids for all the behavior problems. As a teacher you are supposed to adapt how you are teaching if the majority of your class isn't understanding the concept. but no, not with them. And they would tell the kids "I knew you couldn't do it" and things like that. THAT was NOT me. I was NOT the problem there. I am NOT the problem with Dr. P but I was there because I wanted to fix the problem that I was... whatever that was... but when it seemed to be working, "nope, your too broken, and you're screwing me up so were done and there will be no further discussion"... Maybe it was me at the school too. Maybe I screwed them up. It really is all my fault? "you isolate yourself"
It's so shitty. I am so angry at myself and Dr. He that really didn't love me, but let me believe it to get rid of me.
Just tell me what it was and I'll believe you. Just don't shut the door completely... not yet. Not until you have done your job, walk me through this. As my therapist you can fuck me up, you have that power over me there. And you did. But in the real world you can't "fuck this up," because that is not your job, only I can. Only I have that power over me and I seriously doubt I really have that kind of power over you. If I do, I can help you; talk you through it. I can't make any guarantees but I can at least help you help me... or have I already made too big of a mess? or was it a game and grooming and I failed your tests? then that is the other story and I suppose the way to go really is to file a complaint and pursue that path... conundrum and fuckundrum... I am too much... Yep, I'd be scared of me too... told you so.
Now I'm going snowboarding. to enjoy my last day of freedom. At least my last day in a long time... and I'll edit this later if I feel so inclined. Probably when I'm immobile and on the other side of the next big adventure. No walking... no doing... ugh
I go in tomorrow (for that ankle surgery)
my husband is tiring of my mental mess, that is likely to happen, and understandably so, even more because my escalated sex drive is dying/fading.
I am hoping that the man (Dr. P) who is making me pay for my femininity, vulnerabilities, ignorance, foolishness, childishness, strength of character, ability and willingness to love and forgive, desire to understand and be understood, is reading this. I hope he is reading this to keep tabs on me, to know my next move. I hope he is smart enough to know that he can protect himself by doing that.
But I am foolish because they will use whatever I do against me. "twist my words" "behave inappropriately"
I feel sick because it is such a mess to me when the solution is so simple. Do your job, what you have been trained to do. Or is the job a scam? Is it all just insurance fraud?
Money
Is that what it is all about?
Money and sex
I am a prostitute now because my mind has been so screwed up to believe that it was something more than merely transference and counter-transference. so screwed up that I now feel like that is what I am good for.
I failed to give the therapist what he really wanted (sex) so now I'm getting the bills that conveniently had not been charged. But my husband is happy enough with all of this bullshit because he is getting more of it. He is not so happy about the bills that he has to pay for that turned my heart elsewhere though and as I am becoming "worse off than I was before" (his words) and my sex drive is fading I am certain things will not stay as peaceful.
...And with the sex he is the replacement now. and he is paying for it in so many ways. But I can keep him happy... or at least I could
Tomorrow I have ankle surgery. for the same damn accident that had me seeing that neuropsychologist
This is literally fucked up
and this full confession is so much more than I care to publish but this is fucked up and I didn't do this to myself.
I'm scared.
I'll face it
but I'm scared
I'm broken
I'll face it
but I'm broken
I'm confused
I'm facing it
but I'm confused
I'm mostly okay
I'm working to be
and I'll keep working to be
but I'm really not
I'm a piece of shit that is easily discarded
and I am angry and hurt
I am angry that I can do nothing to get answers. I am angry that said therapist is holding power over me and does not care how it is effecting me. He does not give a shit about me after saying things that made me feel like I could be his whole world. I'm angry that he played with my head and my heart like that when I made it very clear that I was not in a safe or stable place, that I had an intense personality. It feels very calculated, like maybe his actions were calculated manipulations. But it went awry because I am. Because even though on paper and in appearance I seem like the perfect target, I am not, because I know too much the reality of what his profession proclaims to try and help. Because I am too familiar with real victims, I've worked to hard to understand and to help too many; friends and family members.
So now I deserved to be destroyed?
And still, am I foolish to hold onto the belief that this could have been accidental? that he could have gotten lost in his profession and his own pain and vulnerabilities?
I'd so much rather talk it out. I am capable of that. As screwed up as I have been, I at least know that about myself. That is one thing I have not lost with my concussion, rejections, firing. I can talk things through, but I am not the only one on the road. To talk things through it takes two (or more). I still have and can, and do. but the ones who cannot sure have been hurtful lately.
and I'm pounding my head against a wall. trying to kick a closed door down... like I knew that I would. Why? Because it hurt too much. because it was too much "there will be no further discussion" no wait, that was the shitty school that fired me, the ones who blame the kids for all the behavior problems. As a teacher you are supposed to adapt how you are teaching if the majority of your class isn't understanding the concept. but no, not with them. And they would tell the kids "I knew you couldn't do it" and things like that. THAT was NOT me. I was NOT the problem there. I am NOT the problem with Dr. P but I was there because I wanted to fix the problem that I was... whatever that was... but when it seemed to be working, "nope, your too broken, and you're screwing me up so were done and there will be no further discussion"... Maybe it was me at the school too. Maybe I screwed them up. It really is all my fault? "you isolate yourself"
It's so shitty. I am so angry at myself and Dr. He that really didn't love me, but let me believe it to get rid of me.
Just tell me what it was and I'll believe you. Just don't shut the door completely... not yet. Not until you have done your job, walk me through this. As my therapist you can fuck me up, you have that power over me there. And you did. But in the real world you can't "fuck this up," because that is not your job, only I can. Only I have that power over me and I seriously doubt I really have that kind of power over you. If I do, I can help you; talk you through it. I can't make any guarantees but I can at least help you help me... or have I already made too big of a mess? or was it a game and grooming and I failed your tests? then that is the other story and I suppose the way to go really is to file a complaint and pursue that path... conundrum and fuckundrum... I am too much... Yep, I'd be scared of me too... told you so.
Now I'm going snowboarding. to enjoy my last day of freedom. At least my last day in a long time... and I'll edit this later if I feel so inclined. Probably when I'm immobile and on the other side of the next big adventure. No walking... no doing... ugh
Fun Adventures through Hell
Surgery on my ankle in 2 days
and then no weight bearing for 6 weeks.
Hell for 6 weeks
Stuck in my head... I am terrified
I think my heart might die in surgery though
It might not be strong enough
so then I would escape hell.
but it's only 6 weeks to 9 months of hell
after 9 months I should be able to be back to my regular loves of running, hiking, snowboarding
etc.
So I suppose I hope my heart doesn't fail me completely.
My poor family
they will have to endure my hell too.
that sucks.
... to look at it positively
I'm thinking it will be an exciting new adventure.
Definitely something I have never done before.
Maybe I will find new strength as I suffer through the hells of stuck... really stuck.
Maybe I can turn all my 200+ pages of crazy into a realboy book (I'm sure that is funny only to me, but its funny)
"Psychotherapy Gone Crazy"
and then no weight bearing for 6 weeks.
Hell for 6 weeks
Stuck in my head... I am terrified
I think my heart might die in surgery though
It might not be strong enough
so then I would escape hell.
but it's only 6 weeks to 9 months of hell
after 9 months I should be able to be back to my regular loves of running, hiking, snowboarding
etc.
So I suppose I hope my heart doesn't fail me completely.
My poor family
they will have to endure my hell too.
that sucks.
... to look at it positively
I'm thinking it will be an exciting new adventure.
Definitely something I have never done before.
Maybe I will find new strength as I suffer through the hells of stuck... really stuck.
Maybe I can turn all my 200+ pages of crazy into a real
"Psychotherapy Gone Crazy"
Monday, February 18, 2019
Sunday, February 17, 2019
evolving
...but it is more than that; than following the lead.
I need to evolve. Progress.
From what I have learned and what I understand transference is considered a "good" thing but only if you are able to work through it with your therapist. I am; but my therapist is not and therefore I am not allowed to try. I am not allowed to help him help me.
so I am left to figure this out on my own, I am left to figure out how to take the good of him, what he built, and turn it into me and what I built. I am supposed to develop independence. We were working on uncovering my buried story and helping me to both recognize and connect with my core values. So it makes sense to me to follow his lead because he is the professional that has been trained and knows better but I also have to follow my heart, my gut, and my head and become my own independent caretaker. I have to figure out how to use my own strengths, buried story, and values to become the better version of me. That is what I need to do. I wish for his leadership and guidance but he gave all that he can (is allowed) and I now need to use my own strengths in place of his weaknesses. That to me feels like how I will achieve independence.
Where I am strong or can be, I need to be, but for my sake, not his, even if it hurts him. What happened was not fair, not ethical and a repeat of patterns I want to break, or change.
I can accept it if I want to go back to old broken me, but I do not want that. I want to be confident, happy me, able to embrace my perfectly imperfect self. While I love people and care for people deeply, always trying to be what they want or need me to be has me ironically more consumed with me and less able to just be what I am which is what I actually need to be. It is a larger cycle that I have not fully figured out and really don't care to at this moment because I want to let things be whatever they are and whatever they need to be while taking care of me. I can be true to my head and my heart with out over analyzing so much (I have already put in that time -overtime).
So it is time to be and time to do.
also time to follow through
...again, not sure if my words are coming out in a way that will make sense or really how I meant for them to but I'd like to stay true to letting things be what they are and need to be without driving myself crazy overthinking and trying to get it exactly right. I am okay to make mistakes. It is okay for me to be human.
I need to evolve. Progress.
From what I have learned and what I understand transference is considered a "good" thing but only if you are able to work through it with your therapist. I am; but my therapist is not and therefore I am not allowed to try. I am not allowed to help him help me.
so I am left to figure this out on my own, I am left to figure out how to take the good of him, what he built, and turn it into me and what I built. I am supposed to develop independence. We were working on uncovering my buried story and helping me to both recognize and connect with my core values. So it makes sense to me to follow his lead because he is the professional that has been trained and knows better but I also have to follow my heart, my gut, and my head and become my own independent caretaker. I have to figure out how to use my own strengths, buried story, and values to become the better version of me. That is what I need to do. I wish for his leadership and guidance but he gave all that he can (is allowed) and I now need to use my own strengths in place of his weaknesses. That to me feels like how I will achieve independence.
Where I am strong or can be, I need to be, but for my sake, not his, even if it hurts him. What happened was not fair, not ethical and a repeat of patterns I want to break, or change.
I can accept it if I want to go back to old broken me, but I do not want that. I want to be confident, happy me, able to embrace my perfectly imperfect self. While I love people and care for people deeply, always trying to be what they want or need me to be has me ironically more consumed with me and less able to just be what I am which is what I actually need to be. It is a larger cycle that I have not fully figured out and really don't care to at this moment because I want to let things be whatever they are and whatever they need to be while taking care of me. I can be true to my head and my heart with out over analyzing so much (I have already put in that time -overtime).
So it is time to be and time to do.
also time to follow through
...again, not sure if my words are coming out in a way that will make sense or really how I meant for them to but I'd like to stay true to letting things be what they are and need to be without driving myself crazy overthinking and trying to get it exactly right. I am okay to make mistakes. It is okay for me to be human.
Saturday, February 16, 2019
Following the leader
How do you beat the odds and become an exception to the rule?
You realize that you are not the exception to the rule.
Never say never
because you never know how you will respond and never seems to curse you to become what you never thought you could.
Can't is a powerful word
But it is your own black magic; when you say it or believe it you take away all of your power to do the thing you say you can not do even if you can. You rob yourself of your own power.
Calm
Can I hang onto the calm? can I hang onto the peace? Can I be the calm?
How do you know when to fight and when to run?
Or when to give in?
Fighting and trying to solve is helping to kill the pain and the fantasy. I am not sure what is real and what was planted. I didn't think there was fantasy. I don't think there was at first...
But then somehow that is what it became; yet I didn't think it was because it seemed so real... I didn't think there was fantasy because I can look at things logically and I can explain it away... But the fantasy was there without invitation. It would replace my thoughts when I looked at the disappointing aspects of my life and of myself. It would tell me I was actually worthy of something better. and then the something better would find its place in my parallel fantasy life... somehow this would only bother my heart and as I shook the feelings I was better able to focus and enjoy the moment I was in.
I really don't understand this. I don't really get how this fantasy I kept trying to shake was at the same time helping me and allowing me to be my happy self.
...But also feel so much sadness and in the end the unshakable feeling of worthlessness, knowing that the fantasy was merely that; a fantasy. Not real and never to be even though it seemed so real and possible in a moment. In my childish manic survival brain.
The fantasy is fading as I face reality. I can let it go only by facing it. By fighting to keep it or fighting for me, I face reality. The best way to kill the pain and to heal the broken is to face it.
If you want to overcome a fear you have to face it.
If you want to heal a wound you have to address it. You have to stop the bleeding... heart.
My heart hurts for a man who I feel is broken, who I believe is a good person, who I appreciate and admire. My heart hurts from him.
But just as he has to look out for himself and feels he needs to protect himself from me, I need to do the same. I am looking into the mirrored mask, remembering the trusted therapist behind it, who can only ever be that to me. If that is the role he is to stay in and I wish to continue to stay on the path of the changes that he started but did not see through then I have little choice than to follow his lead.
You realize that you are not the exception to the rule.
Never say never
because you never know how you will respond and never seems to curse you to become what you never thought you could.
Can't is a powerful word
But it is your own black magic; when you say it or believe it you take away all of your power to do the thing you say you can not do even if you can. You rob yourself of your own power.
Calm
Can I hang onto the calm? can I hang onto the peace? Can I be the calm?
How do you know when to fight and when to run?
Or when to give in?
Fighting and trying to solve is helping to kill the pain and the fantasy. I am not sure what is real and what was planted. I didn't think there was fantasy. I don't think there was at first...
But then somehow that is what it became; yet I didn't think it was because it seemed so real... I didn't think there was fantasy because I can look at things logically and I can explain it away... But the fantasy was there without invitation. It would replace my thoughts when I looked at the disappointing aspects of my life and of myself. It would tell me I was actually worthy of something better. and then the something better would find its place in my parallel fantasy life... somehow this would only bother my heart and as I shook the feelings I was better able to focus and enjoy the moment I was in.
I really don't understand this. I don't really get how this fantasy I kept trying to shake was at the same time helping me and allowing me to be my happy self.
...But also feel so much sadness and in the end the unshakable feeling of worthlessness, knowing that the fantasy was merely that; a fantasy. Not real and never to be even though it seemed so real and possible in a moment. In my childish manic survival brain.
The fantasy is fading as I face reality. I can let it go only by facing it. By fighting to keep it or fighting for me, I face reality. The best way to kill the pain and to heal the broken is to face it.
If you want to overcome a fear you have to face it.
If you want to heal a wound you have to address it. You have to stop the bleeding... heart.
My heart hurts for a man who I feel is broken, who I believe is a good person, who I appreciate and admire. My heart hurts from him.
But just as he has to look out for himself and feels he needs to protect himself from me, I need to do the same. I am looking into the mirrored mask, remembering the trusted therapist behind it, who can only ever be that to me. If that is the role he is to stay in and I wish to continue to stay on the path of the changes that he started but did not see through then I have little choice than to follow his lead.
Tuesday, February 12, 2019
Monday, February 11, 2019
who decides anyway?
Why is this so hard?
I know this will pass but my heart hurts too much still. It has affected me in ways I didn't expect and in ways that make me feel like my heart is betraying me... and my family.
I don't sleep well.
It is unresolved for me. Too much was ignored. Too much was missed. and I was not allowed what I needed. It was not about me and my needs when that is exactly what it needed to be about. That is not selfish when you are paying for services. When that is really what it is supposed to be about.
That is partly my fault. I let it be about other people. I was worried about performing just so for everyone else. I was starting to see that it needed to be about me and that is when I got dropped.
Now my lawyer won't talk to me either. He thinks I am asking him to be more than I think I am asking. I wanted him to find out. Find out if something was missed. Figure it out and solve it for me since I was not allowed to. Since I don't know how to play their game but it is obvious they are worried about "liability" and not me. He is the one I hired to take care of all the car accident related stuff. I think he thinks this is not car accident related. I am not sure if it is. That is why I was there originally; my head was a mess from that. It was a mess. I had regressed and suppressed and forgotten even who I was. I don't know what caused what.
But I am confusing to people.
I am still basing my value on how others perceive and treat me?
That is really stupid and self-absorbed to think your value lies only in your own selfish ego. That we don't need others and that their opinions don't matter or count. Now I am being judgmental aren't I?
I care about others and value their professional opinions but that does not mean they have to value me.
I should not judge them for that I suppose...
I am trying to find the balance and sometimes doing great at it, while other times failing miserably.
I am angry and hurt. but mostly hurt ...and sad.
I have been tricked, manipulated and played with like a fascinating toy; when I needed help. I had mistaken the fascination for genuine caring and I have to remind myself that it was not real, only just a game. I have to sort it out, alone, what was real and what was imagined or misinterpreted. I have to fill in the blanks of the professional whose answers I never got (but am paying for still) or I have to relive it and try to figure out by trying to find the "right" fit and "right" doctors to help me from here. I don't want to relive it and figure it out without the person who actually knows what happened. I don't want others to make up stories about me and to pretend to understand me with out talking to me. I am not everyone else, I am not a stereotype, I am not a stigma, I am not a liability, I am not a mental illness, I am not incoherent. I am not ignorant, I am not a toy or a pawn and I am not unintelligent. I am not a statistic.
I cannot be busy enough to escape this.
Maybe I need to try harder... a cycle... I know that cycle...is that a positive one or a negative one? I don't remember.
I know this will pass but my heart hurts too much still. It has affected me in ways I didn't expect and in ways that make me feel like my heart is betraying me... and my family.
I don't sleep well.
It is unresolved for me. Too much was ignored. Too much was missed. and I was not allowed what I needed. It was not about me and my needs when that is exactly what it needed to be about. That is not selfish when you are paying for services. When that is really what it is supposed to be about.
That is partly my fault. I let it be about other people. I was worried about performing just so for everyone else. I was starting to see that it needed to be about me and that is when I got dropped.
Now my lawyer won't talk to me either. He thinks I am asking him to be more than I think I am asking. I wanted him to find out. Find out if something was missed. Figure it out and solve it for me since I was not allowed to. Since I don't know how to play their game but it is obvious they are worried about "liability" and not me. He is the one I hired to take care of all the car accident related stuff. I think he thinks this is not car accident related. I am not sure if it is. That is why I was there originally; my head was a mess from that. It was a mess. I had regressed and suppressed and forgotten even who I was. I don't know what caused what.
But I am confusing to people.
I am still basing my value on how others perceive and treat me?
That is really stupid and self-absorbed to think your value lies only in your own selfish ego. That we don't need others and that their opinions don't matter or count. Now I am being judgmental aren't I?
I care about others and value their professional opinions but that does not mean they have to value me.
I should not judge them for that I suppose...
I am trying to find the balance and sometimes doing great at it, while other times failing miserably.
I am angry and hurt. but mostly hurt ...and sad.
I have been tricked, manipulated and played with like a fascinating toy; when I needed help. I had mistaken the fascination for genuine caring and I have to remind myself that it was not real, only just a game. I have to sort it out, alone, what was real and what was imagined or misinterpreted. I have to fill in the blanks of the professional whose answers I never got (but am paying for still) or I have to relive it and try to figure out by trying to find the "right" fit and "right" doctors to help me from here. I don't want to relive it and figure it out without the person who actually knows what happened. I don't want others to make up stories about me and to pretend to understand me with out talking to me. I am not everyone else, I am not a stereotype, I am not a stigma, I am not a liability, I am not a mental illness, I am not incoherent. I am not ignorant, I am not a toy or a pawn and I am not unintelligent. I am not a statistic.
I cannot be busy enough to escape this.
Maybe I need to try harder... a cycle... I know that cycle...is that a positive one or a negative one? I don't remember.
Saturday, February 9, 2019
keeping up
Sometimes mania happens when you are fighting depression, hurt or pain.
The deeper the depressions
the heavier the hurt
the more intense the pain
the more dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, endorphins
it'll take to get you up
mania, my friend, mania
I started low today.
death at the door
But I'm fighting
coming back up
"It was only a game and nothing more"
The deeper the depressions
the heavier the hurt
the more intense the pain
the more dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, endorphins
it'll take to get you up
mania, my friend, mania
I started low today.
death at the door
But I'm fighting
coming back up
"It was only a game and nothing more"
Friday, February 8, 2019
go
I do not wish to prove how broken I am.
I wish to be resilient
I want to be strong and brave
I want to overcome the odds of my injuries and upbringing
so off I go to conquer a new day
small victories
and you never know what can happen when you try
so it's time to apply
if nothing else I'll gain a thicker skin
so even if I loose, I win
I wish to be resilient
I want to be strong and brave
I want to overcome the odds of my injuries and upbringing
so off I go to conquer a new day
small victories
and you never know what can happen when you try
so it's time to apply
if nothing else I'll gain a thicker skin
so even if I loose, I win
Wednesday, February 6, 2019
hello darkness my old friend, I've come to talk with you again
This morning I am shaky.
My hands are shaking and I am not entirely sure why.
I feel a little amped up.
Anxious?
Yes, anxious
sometimes it takes too much to regulate that stuff
even when my brain is okay and thinking straight I still get this cortisol feeling in my heart and shaky in my hands
my left is especially bad today.
I requested a resolution yesterday.
I stood up for myself
and that makes me anxious
I am trying to do what I need to to care of myself and stand up for myself, also acknowledging that I am likely not the only one who has been hurt by policies or practices.
That gives me more courage, knowing that I am standing up for others as well
but it makes me nervous.
I don't like how my emotions can be so time consuming to regulate.
I liked very much the progress I was making and I like very much the progress I have made
but this is a new adventure I am on so it is causing new sensations.
So much more at peace, rational, stable
but still I know some of these symptoms all to well and they aught not be ignored.
So follow up appointment with doctor I saw before Italy when my heart and body was wearing down from 3 weeks of very little sleep and far too many chemicals surging through my system. (all from my body, I am not a substance user, I dislike even taking what is prescribed)
My hands are shaking and I am not entirely sure why.
I feel a little amped up.
Anxious?
Yes, anxious
sometimes it takes too much to regulate that stuff
even when my brain is okay and thinking straight I still get this cortisol feeling in my heart and shaky in my hands
my left is especially bad today.
I requested a resolution yesterday.
I stood up for myself
and that makes me anxious
I am trying to do what I need to to care of myself and stand up for myself, also acknowledging that I am likely not the only one who has been hurt by policies or practices.
That gives me more courage, knowing that I am standing up for others as well
but it makes me nervous.
I don't like how my emotions can be so time consuming to regulate.
I liked very much the progress I was making and I like very much the progress I have made
but this is a new adventure I am on so it is causing new sensations.
So much more at peace, rational, stable
but still I know some of these symptoms all to well and they aught not be ignored.
So follow up appointment with doctor I saw before Italy when my heart and body was wearing down from 3 weeks of very little sleep and far too many chemicals surging through my system. (all from my body, I am not a substance user, I dislike even taking what is prescribed)
Tuesday, February 5, 2019
Mania
I was able to talk to my brother-in-law (I have mentioned him before, and he has written some books on bipolar) about mania.
It was really nice being able to talk to him about it. I talked with him actually while I was still a bit manic (or maybe still very manic, but I manage well) and he was alarmed then. "That sounds like mania" he said with intense concern in his eyes.
"Oh I know" I said. But I had it figured out already.
That is one of the funniest ironies of mania. How well you can have it figured out and know you are in complete control. Hell, you are in like super-human strength control.
And maybe, just maybe it might still be considered hypo-mania because I was able to manage without damage...
Okay, without too much damage.
Mostly I was pretty freaking awesome and powerful and while I was experiencing every single sensation of every single moment magnified by 1000 I was still aware of my surroundings and other people. I did not have hallucinations that were entirely fictitious although the signs, symbols and maybe a couple of lizards may not have been as real as I thought they were. Also my feelings...
Those may not have been as real as I thought either.
Which may have been a bit problematic. Plus then I communicate from a higher plane too... and that can/may have been a bit of a problem.
But I am good. I have gotten real good at self-regulation. I have gotten good at seeming perfectly sane. It's yet another hilarious irony, because I am, probably more so than most sane people now because I am self-aware and I know when my thoughts and emotions are becoming irrational...
Maybe I wasn't quite as on top of it as I thought but overall I did a good job navigating my crazy as I chose to embrace and enjoy it instead of fighting it.
But oh mania
If that is what drugs are like... I can see how they become a problem for people. But I have to admit I think an artificial attempt at that would be really stupid and I would not at all trust the other side. And I doubt it can even come close anyway. But the fun of it is so fun. Your senses and sensations are so heightened. You can feel happiness surging through your whole body. Every thing is beautiful and wonderful and perfectly aligned, until it is not, then it is the depths of hell. ...but if you decide to be empowered by your brokenness and choose to hold on to that euphoric place you can turn the depths of hell into a cosmic amusement park and keep euphoria going as your superpowers give you the strength to turn the world up-side-down.
And you are so productive. Extra energy and stamina. Very little sleep is needed as you have far too much to do.
This mania was the highest I have experienced. But also the most painful. Probably why it took me so high, I needed to survive after all. But when it starts to fade, when the threat starts to fade.
Oh it is boring. Even a 2nd grade classroom is boring and meaningless. I was able to tap into it the dopamine cycle some and perpetuate them to some extent for a few months but alas all good things must come to an end.
It is a bit sad to loose those feelings. Honestly I'd love to live the rest of my life there. But probably my life would not be very long there. The cortisol that came with it was wearing on my heart and no sleep was wearing on my body. A sinus infection aligned with my final manic meeting.
Talking to my brother-in-law was kind of fun, because he really gets it. It is a struggle for him to take medication that makes him feel so low, slow and dumbed down. But with out it he does not have the regulation abilities I have. He broke too big too young. I do wonder if I will be able to manage as well now but I think I am still doing okay. I am medicated for depression and anxiety, that probably helps. But as I look back I am so glad that I am not experiencing as much of that as I used to. I am glad that I stay out of the heaven and hell cycle that used to be such normal part of my life. I am glad that I could manage and mostly knew what to do through this biggest and longest manic episode.
But I tell you what, it's not easy and other people truly don't understand. Yet they are needed to help keep one in check. Part of how I set up my boundaries is by saying "hey, I am irrational right now, you might need to take care of this for me." But they do not understand and to them crazy is "bad."
We talked about that self-regulation and my brother-in-law asked me why it was that I didn't want to pursue the psychiatrist or a medication change. He wondered what that meant to me. It is hard to explain. I have played the medication game before and it can be hard. The side-effects can really suck and I don't want to be dependent, I don't want someone else making the decisions for me, and I don't know that I really need it.
He helped me realize that I felt I would be taking medication for other people's sake, not for mine. I can handle myself and I can manage, but other people don't really know how to handle me and that hurts.
It is something to consider. I do not think taking medication for the sake of others and your family members is a bad thing but if those closest to you are not worried about it and not bugging you to get on something then it is probably okay. It is not always easy to know when medication is needed for you or for others.
I am back and forth on it a bit currently but I mostly feel fine and getting better so I don't really want to mess with that... However I am open to suggestions so if you know me personally you are welcome to weigh in.
It was really nice being able to talk to him about it. I talked with him actually while I was still a bit manic (or maybe still very manic, but I manage well) and he was alarmed then. "That sounds like mania" he said with intense concern in his eyes.
"Oh I know" I said. But I had it figured out already.
That is one of the funniest ironies of mania. How well you can have it figured out and know you are in complete control. Hell, you are in like super-human strength control.
And maybe, just maybe it might still be considered hypo-mania because I was able to manage without damage...
Okay, without too much damage.
Mostly I was pretty freaking awesome and powerful and while I was experiencing every single sensation of every single moment magnified by 1000 I was still aware of my surroundings and other people. I did not have hallucinations that were entirely fictitious although the signs, symbols and maybe a couple of lizards may not have been as real as I thought they were. Also my feelings...
Those may not have been as real as I thought either.
Which may have been a bit problematic. Plus then I communicate from a higher plane too... and that can/may have been a bit of a problem.
But I am good. I have gotten real good at self-regulation. I have gotten good at seeming perfectly sane. It's yet another hilarious irony, because I am, probably more so than most sane people now because I am self-aware and I know when my thoughts and emotions are becoming irrational...
Maybe I wasn't quite as on top of it as I thought but overall I did a good job navigating my crazy as I chose to embrace and enjoy it instead of fighting it.
But oh mania
If that is what drugs are like... I can see how they become a problem for people. But I have to admit I think an artificial attempt at that would be really stupid and I would not at all trust the other side. And I doubt it can even come close anyway. But the fun of it is so fun. Your senses and sensations are so heightened. You can feel happiness surging through your whole body. Every thing is beautiful and wonderful and perfectly aligned, until it is not, then it is the depths of hell. ...but if you decide to be empowered by your brokenness and choose to hold on to that euphoric place you can turn the depths of hell into a cosmic amusement park and keep euphoria going as your superpowers give you the strength to turn the world up-side-down.
And you are so productive. Extra energy and stamina. Very little sleep is needed as you have far too much to do.
This mania was the highest I have experienced. But also the most painful. Probably why it took me so high, I needed to survive after all. But when it starts to fade, when the threat starts to fade.
Oh it is boring. Even a 2nd grade classroom is boring and meaningless. I was able to tap into it the dopamine cycle some and perpetuate them to some extent for a few months but alas all good things must come to an end.
It is a bit sad to loose those feelings. Honestly I'd love to live the rest of my life there. But probably my life would not be very long there. The cortisol that came with it was wearing on my heart and no sleep was wearing on my body. A sinus infection aligned with my final manic meeting.
Talking to my brother-in-law was kind of fun, because he really gets it. It is a struggle for him to take medication that makes him feel so low, slow and dumbed down. But with out it he does not have the regulation abilities I have. He broke too big too young. I do wonder if I will be able to manage as well now but I think I am still doing okay. I am medicated for depression and anxiety, that probably helps. But as I look back I am so glad that I am not experiencing as much of that as I used to. I am glad that I stay out of the heaven and hell cycle that used to be such normal part of my life. I am glad that I could manage and mostly knew what to do through this biggest and longest manic episode.
But I tell you what, it's not easy and other people truly don't understand. Yet they are needed to help keep one in check. Part of how I set up my boundaries is by saying "hey, I am irrational right now, you might need to take care of this for me." But they do not understand and to them crazy is "bad."
We talked about that self-regulation and my brother-in-law asked me why it was that I didn't want to pursue the psychiatrist or a medication change. He wondered what that meant to me. It is hard to explain. I have played the medication game before and it can be hard. The side-effects can really suck and I don't want to be dependent, I don't want someone else making the decisions for me, and I don't know that I really need it.
He helped me realize that I felt I would be taking medication for other people's sake, not for mine. I can handle myself and I can manage, but other people don't really know how to handle me and that hurts.
It is something to consider. I do not think taking medication for the sake of others and your family members is a bad thing but if those closest to you are not worried about it and not bugging you to get on something then it is probably okay. It is not always easy to know when medication is needed for you or for others.
I am back and forth on it a bit currently but I mostly feel fine and getting better so I don't really want to mess with that... However I am open to suggestions so if you know me personally you are welcome to weigh in.
feeling sorry for yourself
"Stop feeling sorry for yourself"
is what my dad would say.
I am hearing that in my head this morning as I am waking up for the third time.
those 5 words
he said too much and not enough
I was not allowed to feel my pain.
My pain didn't count
and I was not allowed to speak up for myself if I was hurting.
I am a broken person
in so many ways and for so many reasons
And while I don't want to "feel sorry for myself"
I know that this is not appropriate language and caused far more harm than healing
so I'll try to address that now too.
"I'm not feeling sorry for myself" I would try to say but it was not heard and I always had to consider that maybe I was.
I took it to heart... I do that
One thing I know,
I don't say this to my own kids
I won't use that as a solution with other people
there must be more to my pain then my dad understood
my pain was valid
and still is
at least to me
...so, I guess I keep trying.
I did read a very helpful article by a lady who had felt betrayed
https://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/05/betrayed/
It really resonated and I think it is nice that she pointed out that it takes time.
I also really like how she signed her article:
"with peace, love, and waving no white flag (because I am a fighter)"
is what my dad would say.
I am hearing that in my head this morning as I am waking up for the third time.
those 5 words
he said too much and not enough
I was not allowed to feel my pain.
My pain didn't count
and I was not allowed to speak up for myself if I was hurting.
I am a broken person
in so many ways and for so many reasons
And while I don't want to "feel sorry for myself"
I know that this is not appropriate language and caused far more harm than healing
so I'll try to address that now too.
"I'm not feeling sorry for myself" I would try to say but it was not heard and I always had to consider that maybe I was.
I took it to heart... I do that
One thing I know,
I don't say this to my own kids
I won't use that as a solution with other people
there must be more to my pain then my dad understood
my pain was valid
and still is
at least to me
...so, I guess I keep trying.
I did read a very helpful article by a lady who had felt betrayed
https://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/05/betrayed/
It really resonated and I think it is nice that she pointed out that it takes time.
I also really like how she signed her article:
"with peace, love, and waving no white flag (because I am a fighter)"
Monday, February 4, 2019
What breaks me the most
What breaks me the most is that I can't even work it out with a neuropsychologist. That I am so terrible at communicating or so good at making a mess of things that I can't even work it out with a therapist... and a really good one... who was helping me so very much.
I went manic. I did that "wrong." I did not mean to. But I did. I was honest while I was manic. That was probably a bad idea. But I know I was not the only one to make mistakes. However, there is no compromise. I am not worth it to them.
I don't get the chance to understand what happened and why because I am not worth their time.
As much as I think I am okay and can become that version of me he was helping me to build I am absolutely defeated and anxious when I try to revisit my resume and hopes of doing more.
I got an email from a nonprofit organization. It is my dream job... I think I could do it but I just can't seem to sell myself because deep down inside I know I haven't got a shot.
and can I take the rejection if I do try?
...I can't even work things out with a therapist.
and that hurts so much
I suppose I need to take much smaller steps.
I suppose I need to start much smaller.
I am not sure where that is or what that looks like
but the stars...
the stars will burn me up if I shoot for those
...that much has been proven
this is the reality.
I wish it wasn't and I am fighting to overcome
but it is the reality
I went manic. I did that "wrong." I did not mean to. But I did. I was honest while I was manic. That was probably a bad idea. But I know I was not the only one to make mistakes. However, there is no compromise. I am not worth it to them.
I don't get the chance to understand what happened and why because I am not worth their time.
As much as I think I am okay and can become that version of me he was helping me to build I am absolutely defeated and anxious when I try to revisit my resume and hopes of doing more.
I got an email from a nonprofit organization. It is my dream job... I think I could do it but I just can't seem to sell myself because deep down inside I know I haven't got a shot.
and can I take the rejection if I do try?
...I can't even work things out with a therapist.
and that hurts so much
I suppose I need to take much smaller steps.
I suppose I need to start much smaller.
I am not sure where that is or what that looks like
but the stars...
the stars will burn me up if I shoot for those
...that much has been proven
this is the reality.
I wish it wasn't and I am fighting to overcome
but it is the reality
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