Just a little love can go such a long way.

Sometimes we just need to feel love.
Sometimes that is the hardest time to love people and when they need it most.
But sometimes that is really all we need.
In person love. A hug, a hand hold, a rub/pat on the back. Not much. But real life real time love.
...
and maybe to get back on the Lexapro too.
Last night I decided, maybe I will take the baby seizures and not mess with that medication right now... Those Lucid dreams threw me way off and I don't know why they came when they did but they did.. I suppose I am not far enough out of the woods yet.

hollow shell, oh well, to hell I fell

back on Lexapro...
Just in case that has more to do with this than the realities that my damned brain keeps pointing out, that
"they don't care enough to care" someone else was able to explain...
friends have dumped me through this and not kindly. Some family too.
My family does not care enough to care and I am the problem.
I should have left a long time ago
I know
but I am so pathetic I just shut down and cry
I get so overwhelmed by the thought of being alone and of being self sufficient. I have failed to be consistent in my job history and I am not good at making money.
...
...
I am loosing again.
and see no reason to keep trying. no reason to fight...
I am bad because I just keep coming back when I know and they show they are better off without me.
I came back because I thought I want to keep fighting but here I just see more and more clearly that there really is no reason to.
They are correct. I am not worth saving.
but I will not do the deed
a coward
or my body is still fighting for whatever the reason...
fading again
but this time because I am week and a coward. This time because, now in the rational place, I understand... I am just not worth the time
But I won't do it. I won't end myself they way they want me too...
I suppose I'd rather be a burden...
I suppose I will stop trying to not be and just let myself be the burden that I am... Maybe thoughtlessly take advantage of others the way I have been thoughtlessly regarded...
If you can't beat them join them
or at least thoughtlessly use them to your advantage and get mad at them when they feel hurt or angered by that... being a mirror of actions
it's not working and I am ready to go... Just don't know where or what I will do when I get there. my ideas, my imagination, they are all dried up and depleted by the toxicity of humanity.
...
nothing left...but a hollow shell
confident only in my ability to offend well.

Purple Rain

Yesterday we went on an adventure. On our way back toward civilization I saw off in the distance a cloud whose bottom half was purple. My husband pointed out that it was a rain cloud and while I know this already, it was not until he said that that I thought of the reference to Prince.
We laughed about it and I joke, "maybe it is an omen or a message from Prince."
I think it is funny.
...but also I am a bit curious
especially since a couple of days ago my very sober father said something about vultures in trees close to his house and joked or wondered if they were omens.
I am not really a Prince fan. I never was all that excited by his music so I really have no idea what the song Purple Rain is about. So when were back into cellphone range I look it up. The lyrics are pretty receptive and vague really, so I then look up what it means or meant to him and those who wrote the song. I find this: The Story of ... 'Purple Rain' by Prince and it says this:

"Prince explained the meaning of 'Purple Rain' as: 'When there's blood in the sky – red and blue = purple... purple rain pertains to the end of the world and being with the one you love and letting your faith/god guide you through the purple rain.'"

Another source I find confirms that this statement was made by Prince himself and this omen now becomes evidence of God's sense of humor with me...
That is until the lucid dreams of last night, that were putting together and making logical links to far too much evidence of how I really should lay down my life for the sake of others, that in this way, I am not just relieving the burden of me from those I have loved but that the important things I keep fighting to be heard but that are largely ignored are much more likely to be heard if I write it and seal it with my blood. And this little quote is repeating in my head; "Greater love hath no love than he lay down his life for his brother." Why am I fighting so hard to keep me a live when maybe I really do need to sacrificed for so many people that I love? Maybe I need to look at this differently and maybe that is what I really need to do...
And then my husband walks through the door.  I always feel nervous when he walks through the door at unexpected times. I think it stems for a time when his company was under questionable management and they were firing people left and right coupled with the time he came home early because my family had not been able to get ahold of me directly to let me know that my brother had died...
But today he came home for his lunch hour. He says he just came to check on everyone.
I am not okay. I am struggling to get ahead of the thoughts that are rationally adding up to the messages I had been fighting so hard to counter. My weird dream state last night confirming what I have been told to do by so many sources.
He asks if I am okay, sits by me. I start crying because I am not okay. I am confused and scared. I want to explain but I also do not. That is when his phone rings. It is one of his higher ups. He feels he needs to answer and I am fine with that. But then he says, "yeah, I'm on my lunch. It's okay, I got a minute." And he leaves me to talk with his higher up that, from my husbands response, sounds like he would have been fine to wait until my husband was done with his lunch break.
Reinforcing.... Emily Dickinson. Only heard after she was dead. She made the ultimate sacrifice, laid down her life, to be heard.
Maybe not so with her, I really don't know, but my conscience is saying "greater love hath no man than he lay down his life for his brother" while the dreams remind me of he who I was supposed to be sacrificed for.  The shadowy whispers of my lucid dreams tell me only he can end this, and they remind me "you are the bad guy because you won't die." .... And the purple rain is just for me, the end of my days and a command that I just keep refusing to follow through with.. or to understand. Maybe the way to be heard, to help others, is to write it with my blood... and how, now, do I go about doing that?...
My husbands ease in putting me off for the phone call yet another confirmation...
When he returns I still try to explain some, after all he made an effort to come home and check on me.
He tells me it is "silly to think that way."  I try to explain that I did not go to bed choosing to connect all these dots in my sleep. He offers a sighing apology with hints of his annoyed disappointed. I close off and cannot look at him. The back of my head turns into a mirror as he asks "is there anything I can do to help?"
I reflect quietly, "I think it has already been established that you can't" and "you will do what you want" the later being his own words that he had so often used to excuse himself from discussing things with me.
He does not like that, curses something about trying to help and then leaves.
...so
what and I to do? I refuse to kill myself for the benefit of others...
Now what?
Should I reconsider this decision and prove my love people for people by sacrificing myself? Hoping to make a stately that cannot be  very ignored as easily as I am?
It is a hard place when logic and reason point to the same place as your insanity...

"I never meant to cause you any sorrow
I never meant to cause you any pain
I only wanted to one time to see you laughing
I only wanted to see you
Laughing in the purple rain
Purple rain, purple rain
Purple rain, purple rain
Purple rain, purple rain
I only wanted to see you
Bathing in the purple rain
I never wanted to be your weekend lover
I only wanted to be some kind of friend
Baby, I could never steal you from another
It's such a shame our friendship had to end
Purple rain, purple rain
Purple rain, purple rain
Purple rain, purple rain
I only wanted to see you
Underneath the purple rain
Honey, I know, I know
I know times are changing
It's time we all reach out
For something new, that means you too
You say you want a leader
But you can't seem to make up your mind
I think you better close it
And let me guide you to the purple rain
Purple rain, purple rain
Purple rain, purple rain
If you know what I'm singing about up here
C'mon, raise your hand
Purple rain, purple rain
I only want to see you
Only want to see you


In the purple rain"

-The Artist Formerly Known as Prince

Welcome to Murray Utah's Intermountain Neuroscience Institute where Victim shaming and blaming and intentionally misdiagnosing prevails

This quarantine time is bringing others around me down, which brings me down. I am hopeful and happy and have plenty of ideas but my significant others are often too cool, too timid, too boring or whatever to work toward goals or to act on my ideas with me. And I still absorb that energy. I also am  too easily dissuaded and I still value and credit people even when they devalue me or my ideas. So I think maybe they are right and I should quit trying. (adding next day when I am not feeling angry... I do know that for my kids, and likely some others including myself, part of what causes them (and me) to shy away from my ideas is the trials we have been through with others that just don't understand how I work and, more likely now, the manic turn of events that really made a mess of me)
I am recognizing these things about myself now but still struggling to overcome. Maybe a bit afraid that my personality pendulum will swing too far and drop me into the self absorbed narcissist land that is all too common in our societies.
It's a tricky balance, to value oneself and maybe that is why today I am feeling an elevated anger about victim shaming and blaming.
I read and answer question on Quora.com  from time to time and I have been wanting to write some about some observations I have made. I want to tackle the subject of victim shaming that is so heavily and grossly present in our societies and American culture. I want to explain how sometimes victims continue to be victims because they don't accept themselves that they are victims. We are taught not to be a victim and that if you are repeatedly a victim it is then your fault. "Hit me once shame on you hit me twice shame on me." But today I feel almost too angry to tackle this the way I'd like. SO maybe I will just try to point out that until we recognize and accept that we were in fact a victim and we stop blaming ourselves for the way others have used and abused us we can't get out of the cycles because we don't even see ourselves as a victim. We likely are accepting too much responsibility and people will jump on that band wagon happily so that they can feel quite free for ways they may also be using and abusing you. And you won't even realize they are - may even credit them with "trying to help." It's warped and I do not feel I am explaining well. I think I will post anyway and come back to read this later just to see if writing when I am angry makes any sense at all.... But then am I doing a disservice to what I really want to share?.. See, what they hell? Damn it self, quit listening to the internal and external bullshit that tells you to discredit yourself!!
...So giving myself some credit ...
I answered this question on Quora If you're a therapist and you've accidentally become attached to a client emotionally, what should you do? You can read it via the link but what I really want to share is the1st reply to my answer. The lovely Crystal says this:

 "Yes!! They get to tell themselves that the termination was “ethical" and all of their colleagues will pat them on the back for doing the right thing. Mean while the client is abandoned and going through hell, alone. Who will they turn to? No one will likely understand the very real pain of a therapist doing this to you"

And I want to share it because of how accurately and perfectly she describes what follow on this type of "ethical termination."
And I can can "and those who they do turn to will also get screwed up by the mess or jump on the victim blaming and shaming band wagon."
And for some reason I am hurting especially bad today and I find myself so angry at the abuses from a medical institution because they wanted to protect their own. There own that is being in patted on the back for his "ethical termination" and being "poor man"ed by his coworkers and colleagues when he was the jack ass that used me and then manipulated me to protect himself.
I feel so angry sometimes, knowing that there is no way in hell he, at no point, stopped and thought, "maybe she really is/was manic." There is no way in hell he, at some point did not know this, and yet he dismissed it. They all did. They dismissed and misdiagnosed intentionally to hide something.
And that IS very unethical and very wrong and yet, no one wants to listen, no one wants to understand and no one wants to protect the victim. And if I take myself out of the equation THAT REALLY PISSES ME OFF!!!
But that is wrong to, I am putting myself back into the equation because it is me and my equation and it is wrong that it happened to me and I am pissed that it happened to me.
And I find myself wanting to know more and more, exactly why and what they have worked so hard to keep hidden... just what I stumbled onto that is so that they are so afraid to face or have exposed?
What really is the Intermountain Neuroscience Institute and what are they trying to hide?

March Madness -Game Time

The medication game.
This is a fun reality that comes along with a brain like mine. I am just kidding about that, if you didn't catch my sarcasm implied by italics.
The medication game can be difficult. It is especially difficult for my dads daughter (me) that hates taking any medication for anything almost as much as her dad does.
But for me, at times in my life it is necessary- medication that is. Well, if I want to live any quality of life anyway.
So my recent and most complex cocktail yet has consisted of several vitamins and supplements including (but limited to) a thyroid support, biotin, and fish oil, and the perscritptions: quetiapine (generic for Seraguel) at 200mg extended release and 50-100mg regular release every night, dextroamphetamine sulfate (generic for Adderall) at 15-30mg's daily and escitolapram at 15mg nightly (generic for lexapro).
Prior to the second TBI causing car accident of 2017, I was managing well with only the vitamins, supplements, and Adderall at 10-20 mg's on most days, but not all. I did not take it on days that I had nothing going on or nothing I needed to worry about focusing for. I do believe I was coming out of a bit of a depression but I had not needed medication for it. I think out of 100% (100% meaning no depression or anxiety) I was about 70-80% fine in terms of depression and 90% good on anxiety. (90% of the time having none, 70-80% of the time, not depressed at all or only very mild symptoms of depression were present).
Then the blow to the head instantly flipped it. It was like someone took the thread that had me almost completely stitched together and yanked it unstitching me all the way down to 10% held together against anxiety symptoms and 20% held together against depression symptoms. I was an emotional mess.
After one week of working and trying to be fine I was a mess. I could not remember things, my brain was foggy, I was emotional and anxious, AND I had developed a sinus infection. After my concerned chiropractor diagnosed a concussion I scheduled an appointment with my regular family doctor (who could also treat the sinus infection).
He immediately put me on Lexapro.
I cried.
Like I had everyday since the car accident and like I would everyday until about day 5 of being on the new anti anxiety and antidepressant medication. The anxiety started to be a bit more manageable as well.
Fast forward to now. If you have followed you know the insane story that has me now on 3 medications for my brain. There has also been a suggested 4th; an anticonvulsant due to the possibility of  seizures that the EEG was suggesting.
While I have had some undeniable seizure activity now, they have still been very minor and only when I am asleep (with one exception that happened just after waking up), so I just can't do it. I can't add a 4th drug to my mix. At least not before consulting with a neurologist that actually treats and has experience with treating people with TBI's. But that appointment has taken months and I am still waiting.
So in the meantime - because I am resourceful and maybe also because I refuse to be be a victim or wait around for everyone else to figure it out for me- I have wondered if maybe dropping one of the three medications could solve the tiny baby seizure problem.
I presented the idea of dropping the Lexapro to my psychiatric PA. She is on board with the idea and guided me in how to proceed, making sure I know and will respond appropriately if I start slipping into depression and/or we find that the Lexapro may be "doing more than we think."
The team work is nice.
So I started the weening process a couple of weeks ago and last night made the big decision to not take the lexapro. I have been taking 5mg for at least a week and it has not seemed to be adversely affecting me.
... but today, with none in my system, I feel it; that I am once again playing the medications game.
Going off medications like this can be difficult. I actually went off the Lexapro for a couple of weeks back in March or April of last year when I was still under the care of the negligent Neuroscience Institute. At that point I was not on the Seroguel, just the Lexapro and Adderall (but Adderall only when I wasn't feeling high). I went off the Lexapro because I wanted to know what my baseline was since Dr. Concussion was being so... conservative?... in her treating me and kept wanting me to hold out to see if I would recover without changing or adding medication. (that was really stupid of her, btw, because I was literally fading, which in the bipolar brain IS dying -it'd be the equivalent of having a diabetic try to wait it out to see if their pancreas will magically start producing insulin again and balance out the glucose- probably not an intelligent risk to take)
Even though I weened easily last year, I felt an increase in irritability and a decrease in patience in addition to the mood instability that was still playing out so I had decided to go back on it.
This time, today, I feel a more familiar going-off-medication kind of feel. It is like a weird lightheaded feeling that comes on sometimes. Like in grocery stores. In fact as I think about it I am wondering if the weird lightheaded feeling comes on more in when their is an added element of stress. Not that stores are stressful but rather I don't seem to experience it so much when I am just hanging out at home working on nothing out of the ordinary or of significance. Of course this is only the first day off. I will have to pay attention to this. Sometimes these feelings can intensify, letting you know you went off too fast. Then the prudent and typical course of action is to try half of the 5's and maybe every other day. But if the lightheadedness does not intensify in the next couple of days I will endure until it resolves... or until  I tire of the weird feeling and start taking it again to try weening slower again.
Sometimes it can be pretty ridiculous, like with Paxil -holy cow, that one is stupid hard to get off of. This feeling is similar to that, but like 1 or 2 out of 10, Paxil being the worst weird lightheadedness at 10 ... Paxil has a world-is-shaking-and/or-spinning too. I'd be down to about the equivalent of about a lick but every time I'd stop the shaky world and lightheaded weirdness would start and not stop. I'd try to endure and out last it but after 2 weeks (or more) I'd cave. I finally was able to get off, but it took going onto a different medication, Welbutrin, to get off it.  Weening off the Welbutrin was nothing.
So it is medication game time again. As I am reflecting I think I do remember a bit of lightheadedness the first day or so when I tried going off the Lexapro last year.
We'll see how it goes this year.

Haunting Predictions

So here is an interesting article: 'Who lives and who dies': In worst-case coronavirus scenario, ethics guide choices on who gets care

As I am reading I realize, in the event that I contract this Covid19 virus and need to be hospitalized, I probably better avoid any IHC facilities because they have providers that have already "ethically" discarded me and that have already decided I am not worth saving.
And since I have been vocal in my disagreement with their judgements and decision and because now I know that it was negligence, malpractice and/or mistreatment and I have no intention of shutting up about it until fixes are made, I am certain they will simply allow me to die instead of treating me.
But if this corona virus thing is as bad as they are making it out to be then I am not the only person this will happen to.
"People don't get pissed until it happens to them"....
In preparation I might like to say to so many people who have said to me, "just get over it" or "you just need to let it go" try not to get to pissed if the medical providers decide you or a loved one are not ranked as highly in their "ethical" guidelines and I promise not to say to you, "just get over it" or "you just need to let it go."
If our medical providers do have to start making decisions like this I hope people will understand the difficult position they are in and be forgiving. Under the circumstances it might become necessary.
I will also hope that people will then understand how difficult it is to be "ethically" discarded and how wrong it is when there is no tragic event like this corona virus, but rather the decisions are made as a form of defensive medicine by medical providers that are sacrificing you for no other reason than to try and hide and cover mistakes they made with you.
So in the event that I find myself with no choice but having to seek treatment from an IHC facility and I do die under their care, please look into if I was actually given care because I am predicting they will not. I'm predicting, based on patterns from the past, that they will happily take advantage of the opportunity to watch me die so that there is no chance they have to accept responsibility, admit their wrong doing, and actually have to face some form of consequences or accountability for their irresponsible actions with me when there was no Corona virus. AND I bet they would even go so far as to use the evidence of their negligence and malpractice with me as evidence of justification for letting me be an "ethical" casualty of this pandemic. The evidence being the results from MRI and EGG they did not order done by the neurologist they would not give a referral for and the diagnosis of mania and bipolar they denied and refused to discuss with me and even tried to hide. (Now I know this may sound like a conspiracy theory but it's actually the reality that I have been living. Thus it is not a theory at all but rather this is a predication based on established patterns.)
Once again, I'd rather say it and be wrong than not say it and be right.
In reality I don't think this will happen and I will avoid IHC facilities at all cost, but in the event that it does I'm going to shamelessly boast from the grave, "See! I told you so!!"
...And then I think I will do some IHC haunting just for fun :)
(okay, not just for fun, but because I'll probably be even more determined to expose and hold them accountable or to stop them... but I will also have fun with the haunting too)

Moments analyzed and the fight for survival

I have been thinking about this a little. And when I say a little I really mean a little. Especially considering times in the past when the racing and ruminating made thinking about anything all consuming. At least that is how it would seem to a normal mind. This is something that is hard to explain and hard to understand when your brain is not manic. But even though it would have been present in thoughts a good majority or the day the thoughts of the rapid cycling racing mind are running so fast and so broad that you can be consumed with many things and still be thinking non consuming thoughts about approximately one million other things at the same time. (one million may be a slight exaggeration, but it also might not be. Truly, if people were smart they would stop fearing the manic mind and tap into instead.) So while I am certain I have processed this before it is now in my more calmed and stable mind on occasion just enough that I think it might be well to pay it some mind and time.  It is likely something that needs processing to keep me moving forward on my journey of recovery.
In my last blog entry I tackle and confess this:

"Until the realization filters in... "He really never loved you." That therapist that broke me. He simply used my intensities and my feelings to protect himself from the mistakes he had made with me. I was nothing special to him, simply a rebound toy of flattery that he used to stroke his own ego."

After posting I remembered this:
"This is something Dr. She initially was trying to help me see."
I thought to add it but just never got around to it. Maybe because it deserves its own post of analysis.

Even before Dr. She suggested this to me, I could logically see the aforementioned, but my messed up chemistry kept me from fully understanding this. Ironically I seemed to understand this as a logical possibility most clearly at the beginning, when I was most intense and most certainly manic.  But I remained in messed up chemistry for far too long and it kept me from fully accepting or understanding this. This is likely hard  for others to understand, believe me it is very confusing. It was very confusing for me too -maybe especially. However, Dr. She has explained this too; If it is authentic/true bipolar mania then rational/sane thinking continues to decline without proper treatment. Yep. That was happening.
So I could see it and understand it logically yet I could not fully understand or accept it.
Let us now analyze why.
I think it was due partly (and maybe largely) to the intensity of mania.
My feelings were SOOOO intense and he used manipulative or careless tactics to imply that he had developed feelings for me. My logical mind saw that these things were implied and picked up on the other parts of communication that told me he was scared and more than anything concerned about how his boundary violations could get him into trouble, maybe cost him his license. I believe it is most likely that he implied these things in an attempt to gain my sympathies so that I would not report or "come after" him. I understood this then and throughout but I also felt very strongly the emotions that I had felt.
It is possible those feelings were just my feelings being projected and then reflected back at me. This is type of a therapist trick after all,  and I even pointed it out to Dr. He "so basically I am supposed to expose myself completely to you while you sit behind a mirrored mask penetrating my thoughts. AND I am not supposed to get into your head. That's screwed up."
Therapists have a tendency to say things in implied ways so that you can interpret it how you will. I knew and saw this right off too.
But still I could not accept that he did not reciprocate the intensity of feelings I felt toward him.
And I believe a huge part of that was simply a form of self preservation as everything that was happening physically and biologically was really too much. I was not capable of grieving that loss and even less able to handle the harsh rejection and malpractice/negligence of the whole deal. I was far too vulnerable and far too broken.
PTSD had me processing as a child and as an adult while at the same time bipolar and increased mood instability were rearing their ferocious heads. The decreased mood stability was and is most likely due to the added brain injury that actually shows up on MRI and in the mirror location to the TBI from my youth. A location that has been tied to -dun, dun, dun- mood stability and even impulse control.
These physical problems were manifesting but the Neuroscience Institute and other providers had failed to order an MRI so they did not have this information. These physical manifestations came in conjunction with the work Dr. He and I had been doing to uncover my buried story and to embrace my perfectly imperfect self, which was way more significant than likely anyone knew since it was through dealing with and learning about TBI that I was realizing so many things about myself and just how broken I really was and why.
...Then, add to that relationship problems, my low self worth, and that I have had a tendency to put myself in the second class position to friends, family members and just about everybody ...
it starts to make sense that I needed to believe that he couldn't handle me because he loved me...
But that was not real and I knew it and needed to see it to break the spell that would keep me cycling in the insanity of the manic fed delusions.
In reality I did not need to believe that he loved me the way I loved him, I did not even need to believe in the counter transference; what I needed was to see that the countertransference was not real or at least not in the way that my mania was grabbing onto. I needed him to be real. I asked for this when I didn't dare explain things because I was afraid he would get into trouble that could possibly cost him his license. I was afraid of this because he had said it to me.
 I needed them to see how compromised I was and I needed to be treated accurately and fairly. I also needed to be listened to and my experiences and efforts regarded with intelligence and respect, not ego and fear. I needed them to be my allies working with me to help me solve it. I begged for this and I trusted them again and again when they suggested this was also their intentions. Unfortunately these suggestion were also manipulations and attempts to simply cover their legal asses. Thus it is fraud.
The thing is, while I have not been through anything like this, I have managed through other situations that had some similar characteristics and I have learned what works and what helps. I am not perfect at it and I have lost friends and relationships over the years in my attempts. But still I had complete confidence that with their claimed expertise and if they could just be honest with me we could get me through and figure out what was really going on with my head. They failed. They failed me. They are likely failing other patients in their ego's, pride, arrogance, ignorance, and fraudulence.
I know I speak boldly and that scares and angers people. But I speak the truth and the truth of the matter is, I would still rather help them than file a lawsuit against them.
So, though I know it is likely they will only read this to try and find things to hold against me and to use to cause further harm to me, I am still inviting them to listen and resolve this with me.
Even as I fight, I will keep holding out hope that they will see, this whole time, I have not been fighting against them but rather I have been fighting to save me.

moments

I think I am good. I think I am fine. "I'm pulling out" I say to myself. "I'm regaining my confidence" I pretend.
Dr. She understands: it is hard to have confidence when you can't trust it. When your confidence has betrayed you with mania.
And I procrastinate
because in actuality I am still very shaky.
Literally.
Like this morning -these days it is often hard for me to wake up, to get up, I am not entirely sure why-
but this morning I forced myself up and as I started to stretch I froze and everything went shaky
In a new way.
"I just had a seizure" says my head.
and I am not scared
but I am.
And just now as I was painting -instead of all that I planned to do-
I feel the things that have been hurting in a softer way.
Until the realization filters in... "He really never loved you." That therapist that broke me. He simply used my intensities and my feelings to protect himself from the mistakes he had made with me. I was nothing special to him, simply a rebound toy of flattery that he used to stroke his own ego.
I suppose there is some form of flattery to me in that. And I did catch on. So I am also intelligent and those things I can utilize to re-stoke the dying flame of my confidence. So I will try to focus on that as my throat knots up and tears flow again and I try to hide it from my children. I will try to remind myself of the good that I am as I grieve the loss of my faith and hope in the professionals and institution that is not what it claims to be, experts in the tragedies of head injury; my tragedies.
...
This is taking much longer than I'd like and it is still difficult but I can be proud of the progress I have made as I remind myself that slow and steady are okay.

Finding myself again.

No doubt this blog has become my processing and venting through hard times. Times that people,   mostly cannot understand, and often don't want to try, unless they have experienced similar or have family who has. As one fine person said to my dear friend Renée, "people don't get pissed until it happens to them."

And I will tell you many people would be very pissed if even half of this shit happened to them or a loved one. 

...Or dead. 

A lot would be dead. 

It has been damn hard and I just don't think people realize how difficult it can be to bounce back when you have to fear your confidence and ups. Maybe I don't have to fear them but I have to be hyper aware, it is scary, and it causes all sorts of difficulties when you know you cannot entirely trust yourself and your positive emotions...

but then again, this is where I just may be very much ahead of most! I am at least aware of how and when I cannot trust myself, and I am aware that most, in reality, cannot be trusted. I have learned that firsthand and harsh now. I also know that regardless, trust is a choice and we have to choose to trust even at times when we don't. We have to keep getting back up and opening ourselves back up. We have to allow ourselves to be vulnerable time and time again. 

and in so doing I am finding myself again. 

I am very grateful for the medication that is helping me bounce back easier than I currently can without it. I am grateful for the people in my life who are still loving me and helping me. Those who are not deciding to jump on the band wagon of those powers that be that say shit about me and get away with it because they have and do hold all of the cards and they can. So I am rambling much more than I meant to and probably it is a cathartic need I am still needing as I try to ramble back to the me that is worth celebrating, loving and being. 

I am finding me and being proud of who I am. Even if they are simple things. I am working on building me up. This is why I decided to take a picture of my messy craftsmanship.

One thing I can tell you about me is that I am not afraid to try things and I am not afraid of making a mess in the process. 

Learning is messy. 

There are no two ways about it, it is messy. 

And through trial and error we learn. 

We do not fail, we learn. 

and I think that is something very beautiful and special about me that I care to admit right now. So I am sharing a little snapshot of how I often work. 

The other day I noticed that the backsplash behind my kitchen sink needed to be to be re-grouted and/ or caulked. The fact that I knew what needed to be done and how is something I can be proud of. The back splash and granite were my choosing, the backsplash my work. I had help -that I was and am very grateful for- but ultimately it was started and finished by me and I love it. 

To fix this I first went to our on hand supplies. As luck would have it we just happened to have a textured caulk that matched so I found the caulking gun re-punctured the hole and got to work. It went on a bit thick but I knew how to handle that. Others may be able to do this with out making the mess that I do, but I don't really care, I know how to smooth it out, make a mess and then clean it up so it looks just fine. And I am proud of this.

I can make messes, but I can also clean them up and turn it into a fit and functional finished product.
And maybe that is just part of who I am and I am okay with that. Even proud.

Silver Linings

One thing I can say about all of the crazy in the world today,
is that when you have fought and conquered a crazy in your head
the stuff outside is really no big deal.
Corona will pass and people will die
because that is what happens in life, the only guarantee
maybe you and maybe me
and if it is people close I will be heart broken for sure,
if it is me I will be gone
but still we are humanity
and the only thing we really have to fear is fear it self
so all of this crazy
may shake me
literally
but my mind is not shaking
and I am hardly effected and hardly scared because
I already know how to handle life threatening crazy
:)

trying to stay ahead of dead

What to do when everyone is playing games except you?
You have to play too
if you want to make it through
...I guess
what mess.
Yesterday in conversation with my 16 year old daughter she is telling me, "if I do get married I'll know not to marry a guy like that," in reference to a "friend" that is being quite a jerk. But she tells me more, "and I couldn't marry a guy like dad either because he is too emotionally unavailable," she says.
We both love him very much, but she is correct. I think I may have said something like this to therapists before but I am fairly certain my daughter has never heard me say it. Her observation about that and other things she says tug at my heart strings. She is not saying it to be critical or complaining, it is just a matter of fact observation she is stating that she hopes to not have in her own potential marriage. And though this conversation causes mixed emotions it so very nice that somebody else sees and understands this, because it is hard and lonely often.
And that is all I have to say for today.
At least written here anyway.
Next I try to handle the fallout of things said
before going to bed
when my head
was fighting to stay ahead
of dead
...actually, at this point, I know there is nothing I can do to undo my broken moment.
If history and previous handling has taught me anything it is that it will be used against me and I knew it then and didn't care
so that is what I'll face.

the Cowardly Lion meets Yertle the Turtle.

Most people are cowards in real time real life.
Me too.
I do have the luxury of TBI so sometimes my blunt honesty and lack of fear and filter can make me appear to be very brave and bold. So much so that often people find it spitefully rewarding to knock me down a notch or humble me -At which point those advantages cease to be advantages anymore.
Really, as you can tell from this here blog, I can be pretty pathetic. And my bark is far worse than my bite. Mostly because my bark is not really a bark at all, it's mostly observation, reflection, deflection, and/or, at times, projection; not really the brave bold confidence I seem to be emanating.
 Today my day has gotten away from me. I have so much to do. So many little things to try and get and keep caught up on and big things that are, frankly, terrifying.
I am easily overwhelmed.
Not a favorite trait of mine.
...and yet I am not sure that is entirely true (that I am easily overwhelmed)
Broken.
One day Dr. He said something about me thinking I was broken. I felt like he might have been implying that I was not and needed to stop believing that I was. But my inside voice (the one that only spoke inside of me) said in a matter of fact way "but I am broken," and then it confidently said something like  "and I am okay with that" or "and that is okay," or maybe it was, "but that's not the problem."
And, I know, I agree with you (my imagined audience that I am now projecting interpretations onto) that line of thinking is confusing. Of course that is the problem, that is why I was there in the first place....right?
So now I am allowing myself this cowardly pleasure of psychoanalyzing myself and then taking artistic liberties in the writing out my findings; all to justify my avoidance of doing the hard stuff, like calling lawyers.... blah... and to ease my conscious for forgetting some of the important little things I meant to do today.
Broken, my thought "I am broken,” and maybe broken is not really the problem.
I knew that I was but others don't want to see or understand. In that moment I realized that I don't really mind that I am and that I would rather accept it then deny it and keep trying to work within the context of me being not broken.
That had been hard and frustrating for too much of my life. By acknowledging that I was and am broken I can then start to work realistically within the confines that I have. I am not doing myself any favors believing the Disney fantasy bullshit of "if you just believe" (to be read with sickeningly sweet, high pitched, cheery sarcasm).  I can and have tried that and it does not work. It does not help me, rather it does the opposite, I find myself in heaps of trouble for believing and overly frustrated for failing so frequently. Plus so many things are contingent on other people, timing and circumstance. And, mind you, in reality we can't all be Bill Gates and Oprah. There has to be a whole lot of turtles to keep Yertle up as high as he wants to stay. (Yertle the Turtle, by Dr. Suess)
Really truly, we all have our limitations so I think it is beneficial for me to know and accept mine. That is what the PTSD seemed to be teaching me.
Dr. He was too, so really I am not sure what he was implying at that moment but maybe it was evidence of his lost objectivity with me? Maybe it was simply my projecting feelings I had felt from others or simply evidence of how my interpretation was effected by my own circumstances... Very simple situations can become very complex when we all come from such different places or when we keep inside and try to hide what and who we really are.

Iguazu Falls picture borrowed from here

So I am broken.
And I have a magnificently complex brain, where the ideas flow like Iguazu Falls; which can be very difficult to manage. Choosing and letting go becomes immensely difficult when you see the potential in everything. And I think that is probably true for most people. But my brain... well, it is actually broken. Or it has been. Maybe now it is just scars but those scars prevent it from functioning in typical and more expected ways.
This is why I love neuroplasticity. It is my way around.
I am not sure why my brain struggles a little more than others to stay grounded in reality, if it is solely due to head injury or if this is more complex than that, but it does. Maybe that is not accurate but rather, maybe I am just more aware of when I am loosing touch. I don't know.
I do know the floods that flow from the emotions that are easily overloaded are not normal and I believe deep down inside that I am not really as emotional as I am. Or maybe I am not nearly as fragile as I seem to be. And yet I am...
It's totally annoying a lot, and it's kind of a TBI thing, you may understand if you have had one. ...Yet others loose feeling some emotions with TBI. It's confusing, isn't it. "If you have seen one TBI you have seen one TBI."
But still their are commonalities too.
Yep, this is avoidance. Not super productive nor lateral or logical in my organization and presentation. Just trying to feel better about being a coward in real life.
big sigh
and good bye
off I go again to try.

As my inside voice lectures "There is no try only do!"

....and poo
there is a whole lot of that too.
;)

Heavy Heads and Heavy Hearts make for interesting bed fellows.

Sometimes I need somewhere to escape to. Sometimes I want to run away.
Too many of my people only love me when I am exactly what they need me to be, the rest of the time they simple tolerate to the best of their ability. It's partly my fault because I have a history of being what people need me to be at the expense of me. And I apologize for the burden I am when I feel they are merely tolerating.
I have to think on this one and try to discern what is healthy and realistic. What do I need to fix, what can I fix, and how do I go about it?
If I try exclusively to fix me for them, that does not work. I end up loosing me and since lost me is not really what they want or need they end up unhappy with me anyway.
I realize I need to have more confidence in me and expect to be treated better. At this point in my life I am finding that tricky.
An added challenge for me is that little detail of not being able to entirely trust  my confidence. I have swung too far before.
At one point everything in my life made sense. A culminating event. I knew and understood clearly who I was and what I was supposed to do...
Well, kind of.
It was more of a tau thing where I had no idea what I was supposed to do but I knew I was precisely where I needed to be and all the mysteries of my personal universe were coming together to reveal exactly what I was set up to be and what I was supposed to do. My personal mission.............
...................
....................................................................................................... but......................................................
It was not so.
And I was denied
by my guide
that was merely an allusion of deity
...an illusion that was playing with me.
It was not real
I was not real
he was not real
my feelings were too real
and too strong
for too long.
but not real, I guess.
and now
now...............................................................................
Its all on me. all of the blame. all of the shame for his game. It's is all on me. Because I broke under the pressure. The intensity of me coupled with he  - stir in some confusion from home- so often alone- and I broke under the burden of trying to be everything they all need but not for me.
-I think I am going to go to bed now.-
I broke from the heavy burden and now I am the heavy burden.
Though I still do try not to be.
but I guess that is me.
too heavy of a burden even for those who are trained to handle them...
the slippery slope
we easily slide
if we don't coincide
with the other side
of our duality.
Maybe someday I will find me.
and maybe that will mean I will have to be just me....
alone
me alone.
for now, I'm going to bed.
enjoying the luxuries that others provide for me in spite of the burden I am
and that is nice
for me
so I will take my drugs that keep my head straight and go to bed.
live to see another day
and try to get my head to stay
out of my own way
good day.

**side note. For the record, aside from the thank you card, I never once tried to contact those I am being accused of harassing for ANYTHING other then trying to understand what was going on with my head. I asked for medical and record clarification, and only things related to why I was there in first place. All attempts were within the realm of my patients rights and were attempts to clear up misunderstandings and also attempts to stand up for myself without causing harm to them. I don't think they had the same intention, to not cause harm that is.

Utah's Medical Malpractice Act

It is pretty amazing to me how deeply my failure with the Neuroscience Science Institute continues to effect me.
On days that I don't have to, getting out of bed is the hardest thing in the world to do. Right now I have the added challenge of a cold (that may be a sinus infection) on top of it, but even without it I am sure struggling to feel motivated.
It's one of those struggles that I keep thinking I am out of only to find myself entirely beat down, my negative core perceptions grounded in their confirmations of my worthlessness and denials of the actual medical and physical conditions that were manifesting.
I can logically look at this and see and say that it is wrong; that they are wrong. I can see and acknowledge my accomplishment of maintaining some sanity while manic and even enduring as long as and as well as I did when I trusted them in their insanity. I can see how wrong it was and is. I know logically that I must be something special for these highly trained and degreed ego's to be power tripping on me. I try to build myself up with these recognitions and acknowledgings but at the end of (and often the beginning of) the day I feel voiceless and powerless and I still struggle to feel I am of value and to feel like anything I do will be of value. And to believe that I can actually accomplish anything at all that I set out to do...
This is not just because of the NSI, Dr. Concussion, Dr. P, Patient Advocate, and the others who are not even worth mentioning (yes, I mean that to be a slight and mean, and I am letting my jading come out) but it is also due to what they denied, misdiagnosed and negligently treated.
My head gets disorganized rather quickly. It is harder now to keep things straight. A cold lowers my cognitive stamina even more than it would have before and when my brain gets tired my emotions go. And flow, often through my eyes again. Yesterday, I hate to admit, I had less patients with my young snowboarding students, and while this does not happen very often (far less than many other instructors I know of) I feel bad about things like this. It is not who I want to be.
Then there is the manic, bipolar side of things.
And the relationship side of things.
I think that the bluntness and honesty that TBI has a tendency to bring out is similar to children and we are a bit childish in our ways. I often feel like a child and yet I can also see that some of these childish traits in an adult body and adult world can also help me to see things more clearly. Most people are childish in one way or another, and even in many ways, I'm just not sure if they recognize their own childishness. That or their ego's and pride will not allow them to admit any of their childish mistakes.
-Digression in childish psychology
back to my point-
The other day, when I had the privilege of meeting the governor, I felt happy and proud and it was a very stimulating experience, but I did not feel too high and that is so good and nice for me. I was pleased to feel that simple happy feeling that is normal. And I continue to hope that I will get stronger there.
But there is still that feeling of.... not sure how to name this emotion... probably fear is an adequate word for it.
I fear my emotions, my feelings, my intensities and I fear happy and confident, I fear those feelings of I can do this because my brain does not always know how to stay balanced through them. It can go too high and this has hurt me. ...and my family.
Add into that the tragedy and complexity of Dr. P and the NSI missing, dismissing and denying and the blend is both toxic and deep.
Now add to that the difficulty in finding help and the reality of corrupt laws, rules, and the people in power  -who advertise their initiatives to help improve the quality of life for every person (real IHC adds that dagger twist in my heart every time I hear them) but that, in reality, really don't care. At least they don't really care for me, thus perpetuating the "you don't count, and you are worthless" messages- and it is not surprising that anyone in my situation would have a hard time getting up in the morning.
My sweet friend -whose abuser walks free, having suffered no legal or criminal consequences, despite his serious sociopathic manipulations, abuses and even obvious intent to take her life- pointed out, the laws in their effort to be "innocent until proven guilty" are now written and easily used to protect the guilty.
In the Utah Malpractice Act it points out that "provider's practicing defensive medicine because he views a patient as a potential adversary in a lawsuit" increases health care costs, but the Act only addresses and places more requirements and demands on the patient, or family of a patient, who wishes to address malpractice. It limits a patients ability to seek restitution and the amount of damages they can expect to recover and it makes it immensely more difficult for patients to file malpractice complaints and/or lawsuits.
Yet it does not address the issue of practitioners practicing defensive medicine at all.
Our belief in humanity may lead us to believe that the practitioners and medical providers would then stop practicing defensive medicine knowing that they are highly unlikely to face a lawsuit.
But sadly that has not happened.
Still, as I write, the standard of practice with medical providers is to practice defensive medicine if they make a mistake. This was made painfully clear in my situation and I have heard this is accurate from so many people on all sides of the industry; i.e. lawyers, doctors, nurses, patients, other medical workers, family members of patients, therapists that deal with the adverse effects this has on patients, therapists that have worked for companies like IHC.
Thus the result of laws and rules like this malpractice act equate to an increased burden, shaming, physical and psychological stress and re-victimizing of victims of malpractice while protecting the perpetrators. Wherein they may not have initially been intentional "perpetrators" they become perpetrators in their practicing defensive, negligent, and fraudulent medicine in an effort to "avoid a lawsuit" that is highly unlikely in the first place, even less likely they would acknowledge their mistake and treat appropriately and furthermore highly unlikely due to the laws being staked in their favor. It then causes superfluous harm and increased suffering for the patient and their family.
Their defensive medicine becomes nothing more than egotistical abuses of power that they are protected in.


“For the world is in a bad state, but everything will become still worse unless each of us does his best.”
― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

...and what is most silly to me is I am still having this occasional conversation with myself "I'm not going to die, and I don't really want to die.... do I?"
Today I actually audibly said those words to myself in response to my debate on whether to see the doctor or not about this cold that is kicking my butt head and is moving down into my lungs.
A couple of times this last week I have wondered why I am doing things to try and get better from it. I could just let it get worse...
Even though I have been through suicidal phases I have never, ever had thoughts like that... that's new...
And I also know I am not likely to die from this, even if I do let it get worse so I think I'd rather get better and enjoy a better quality of life for my efforts.
...more confessions of the deep and warped psychology of me that I am still facing and trying to undo.

The Beautiful People in my world.

Yesterday I got to meet the governor.  I got to speak up about TBI, and He gave me his honorary signing pen. I was there with the BIUA for his signing of a document acknowledging March to be Brain Injury Awareness month or something like that. To be honest I do not totally understand what is was all about and so far it has not been covered on any news sights that I have seen which is a bit disheartening to me.
But I want to share a tender moment.
When the governor and his mini paparazzi came over to me because I had offered to answer his question (when all the PhD holders froze or were trying to compose their answers) I got a bit nervous and forgot what I was going to say. A deer in the headlights for a split second, but I was able to utilize my TBI blunt honesty and humor to state, "I'm sorry, I just got a little of nervous and forgot what I was going to say. Can you please repeat the question to help me remember?" or something to that effect.
But in that moment I started to feel shaky and shy, I felt a hand on my arm and a soothing rub on my back.
My sweet friend Renée was there and she jumped right into action helping me to quickly regain calm and composure.
This is the beauty of what organizations like the BIUA and people like Renée do. They help you find your strength again. They want to build people and they want to find them help. They are a very small, understaffed and very likely underfunded organization, but they keep going and they keep trying to help people. They do all the little things they possibly can do and though they may be few they are mighty fine people and I am so very grateful for the the help they have given me.
I wish that I were bigger and could help them to become bigger.
Then there is my cousin I stayed with the other night. She inspires me to do and be better all of the time. The challenges and traumas she has risen above are astounding. She is a miracle to me.
In our conversation she told me she is always shocked at how many people seem to find pleasure in seeing her fail. She says she fails all the time and fails hard, for example she has been training and working hard to make it to the Olympics in boxing. She barely missed the cut for the last time and she has had to close the door on that dream. She said that is hard, but she is idealistic and she recognizes the good that has come from it and moves on. But, like I mentioned, she is always shocked at how people will find pleasure in her failure.
I was so surprised to hear this from her. She is so easy to love, so kind and never have I heard her even come close to tearing somebody down. She builds people up and yet people still want to tear her down. We had an enlightening conversation about this and I was so glad to hear about this because I know the feeling and it hurts and sucks, but now I know I am not alone and it is not just in my head. She is younger than I and many years ago I was more in the mentor role but now I very much look up to her. I am so impressed with how she handles the put downs and knock downs. I am not so strong and I allow them to affect me too much.
So I find I am especially grateful for her and Renée and the many other people that may play very small roles in my life but that build me up instead of tearing me down.
I am glad these two and others are still in my life, still checking up on me, and still believing in me, it has renewed my spirit at a time when I was beginning to let some jading happen and not so nice things were starting to slip from my mouth.
Though there is a whole lot of mess in our world there is still so much good and so many amazing people.

Memory Lane

My son found our old computer that got bogged down and slow so was replaced but not discarded due to the pictures that are currently preserved in the hard drive. My son got it turned on and found some interesting old games and the preserved pictures of his younger years.
Looking through old pictures is almost always fun to me.
It is fun to reflect and remember.
It can also be very satisfying to see the growth of your children and even yourself.
Yet it can be as equally difficult to see the days that are passed and people that have passed.
After our brief trip down memory lane, I felt rather empowered.
I have been feeling more and more like I am finding myself again, but still very gun shy and insecure, maybe embracing my Pro Crasta Nation ethnicity a bit too much as a result of this.
I have the luxury of not having to do a whole lot of things that most people have to do, like work full-time. And while things like this are luxuries they can easily become vices. Especially when you are feeling timid and unsure of yourself.
Looking through the pictures reminded me of so many things I have done. It also reminded me of how hard I have worked at and through so many things. Often in the midst of a whole lot of negativity surrounding me and pulling me down.
Never good enough and ever challenging peoples negative world, family, and self views, I have managed to live a whole lot of life and do many things.
I have been an involved and proactive mom. I have been there for my kids and I have worked hard to provide them with so many amazing opportunities. I have nurtured their individuality while teaching them to be sympathetic, empathetic and involved. I have worked hard despite intense opposition to maintain an at least a somewhat healthy lifestyle for myself and my kids.
I have down what I can to the extent that I can garnish support, which usually is not much, to remodel houses and create spaces and experiences that are beautiful, special, and magical.
I have tamed the the beasts of duality time and time again.
I have endured unfavorable circumstances and treatment for the sake of others; offering forgiveness and acceptance time and time again, choosing to continue to have faith and believe in them knowing that they also have demons of duality to fight.
I have put others before myself and I have tried hard to be what others have needed me to be while trying to maintain some sense of me.
I do not fight just for the sake of fighting and I do not try harm others and I also try to not harm others.
In our pictures I saw me. And I saw many years of many adventures and sincere efforts. I saw others and the magic and tragic they have brought to my life.
While mostly the memories preserved were happy, it was also clear why I would have become so broken and lost. It is not surprising that the car accident caused such an intense PTSD and that so many things were blocked and/or knocked from my memory.
Life, as beautiful and exciting as it is, is also so very complex. Relationships are so very complex and   they effect us so very profoundly.
So where do I go from here?
Do I continue finding the old me, or do I create a whole new me?
I believe the best answer lies somewhere in between.
Now off to conquer the world one sandcastle pile of dirty laundry at a time.