Validated

Yesterday I had my post op appointment for my ankle. My beautiful surgeon got called into an emergency surgery so I saw his assistant. She has been assisting in these surgeries for a very long time; part of that time in the military. She was happy to inform me that my doc was one of the best. I always like to hear that.
When she saw me she remembered my surgery right away -didn't even have to consulate the report to remember.
"Oh, I remember you," she says,
"you were the worst ever!"
No, she did not say that, it was "yours was the worst I have ever seen."
"And the surgeons," she tells me (or least she was pretty sure he had also said it was the worst he had seen, definitely one of, if not the confirmed worst)
She explains how bad it was and how it must have been that way for some time.
"about a year and I half?" I ask.
"Yeah, that is a long time" she confirms.
She explains that there was even a second tear that the MRI didn't pick up because of how bad the tendonitis was.
Remember yesterdays post where I mentioned how all three doctors I saw about it were surprised by strength and my stability?
She stopped herself as tears started to well up in my eyes. "Oh no, what did I say wrong?" she asks.
"Nothing"  I try to explain.
It is validating
and I am glad my husband is there to hear it.
It's Validating for so many reasons and yet so painful also.
It is symbolic and parallel to what is going on with me...
It is painful because I know it could mean some bad things that I did not realize it was so bad. That I did not feel enough pain to get me in sooner.
...and I had just seen the wrist doctor in the same office who suggested I might want to consult with a neurologist about the weird shaking in my left hand.
Maybe I have been working a lot harder than I give myself credit for to not be a burden and a complainer. To be independent and strong.
The overlooking and neglect of it is very much tied to and paralleling TBI to me... and maybe physiologically more than I know. Which honestly scares me.
"Even if I were open to that I'd have to be willing to take that one" he said at one point when I was trying to convince him that I was worth investing his time in. I was and still am not entirely sure what he thought I was asking him to be open to. I am not entirely sure I knew or know what I was asking him to be open to... but what I heard was that he was not willing to take me on because he knew too well the type of burden I might be. It cut me deeply but I did not show it and I have tried to ignore it, especially because logically I know I don't really know what he meant by that..

But I know that I am damaged. I have brain damage. And maybe it is worse than I know. It is a fear I think I really hide and have hidden well. I am afraid of aging and my life feels so much shorter because I know I am more likely to have problems due to it as I age... sometimes I fear that I feel it already. It is part of why the car accident concussion was so traumatic. I don't feel like I can afford it.
But that is fear. and maybe, hopefully that is all it is.
It is my bigger fear manifesting in my ankle. And it is traumatic too because the ankle got overlooked because the mTBI was so much the bigger problem. I needed to do everything I could to take care of that one. And ironically, the exercise and dealing with one thing at a time that were prescribed by the head doctors was contributing to the ankle problem.
These invisible injuries can be so complex.
And I am learning so dang much about myself when I thought I had me figured out. I thought it was everyone else I needed to figure out, because I am introspective and I tend to analyze myself first and what I can do and what my part is or was. I try to fix me first.
...and I know I need to stop trying to fix the broken parts of me by myself, yet, her I am.
I thought I knew how to ask for help. I thought I knew how to say no to people.
...ahh life. The more we learn the less we know.