The perfect storm

I think that I might be the perfect storm.
This will be a disjointed post of a whole lot of stuff rattling in my brain that I just want to get out quickly, so I can move on and be "more productive"
?what does that really mean anyway?
I get my stitches out today; post op on my ankle. "Will you have a scare?" my daughter asked.
" I better!" I reply. 

Why?
to me scars are the tattoos of adventure
and I think I want the scar to show because I have so many injuries that do not visibly show so people are not as careful with me as I sometimes may need them to be.
I think this is true for most people.

With my ankle I have learned:

1.  some seemingly small injuries can become big problems if they are ignored or overlooked. I did not actually ignore this injury. I had my chiropractor adjusting it, I had mentioned it to doctors, but merely mentioned it, and it was overlooked because the head was much more pressing. I also tried to build it back carefully thinking it was just a sprain, and being a runner I knew plenty of ankle strengthening exercises so I had (according to all three orthopedic surgeons who looked at it) really good stability for the injury. But it was overlooked, misdiagnosed by me at the very beginning when it maybe could have healed without surgery, had I been booted. 
2. When your head is a mess you overlook many things. And you behave strange
3. Many variables effect why things like this get missed 
4. It does not mean every little thing needs to be addressed immediately, but it suggests that balance is tricky (especially with a rattled/broken brain and injured ankle :)
5. I got way better at riding switch (using your non dominant food as your lead while snowboarding) because of it; good things can come from injuries
6. sometimes things need to get worse and you have to make decisions to actually allow or make it worse in order for real healing, improvement, and/or growth to happen.

so the ankle is recovering in my eternity of no weight bearing.

I do not know what to do with myself when I grow up again. 

that is tricky

 today I was struggling to get out of bed and face my fears and continue to cause those problems I need to cause in order to keep my other healing and growth going... In order to face reality and break the cycles of fantasy and my broken heart. 

My body wanted to just keep sleeping away my troubled thoughts. But I knew by doing so I would be feeding a very negative and extremely counterproductive sleeping pattern/ routine that becomes harder and harder to break the longer you let it go. It is hard to force yourself to get out of bed when you have such limited mobility, nothing that you have too do, and crap you don't want to face. So I turned on the TV.  I chose to do this and allowed myself to do this, to help tease my brain and body out of sleep and bed. It was a little thing, but it was doing something. 

Turned out to be a great motivator as I "stuck around" to hear the story of a the Maslin's on Good Morning America https://www.today.com/video/how-a-married-couple-rebuilt-their-lives-after-a-tragic-crime-1455671875774  

There are so many great lessons learned in this short clip. And I absolutely love how Abby explains that at the beginning she thought this was a journey about brain injury but she came to realize that this was really a "journey and a story of the human struggle."

Brain injuries and all troubles have a bright side. Mania can me fun, depression can give you depth and complexity, neuroplasticity helps you make connections that other people don't even know exist, anxiety can give you drive, and it can keep you safe, guilt can cause you to think before you act and to think of others... Obviously too much of these is no bueno, but they are not all bad. 

Maybe this is why I liked this article so much:

https://jimkwik.com/kwik-brain-095-how-to-get-out-of-your-own-way-with-todd-herman/

I love the idea of utilizing our own alter egos. I like how they embrace the idea that our identity is constantly changing. Identity is fluid and dynamic not static and unchangeable. 

I love this guy Jim Kwik's story. My sister shared a link to his story, I'll share the link on it's own blog entry because it deserves it's own attention. 

But the point I will end on here is that life is so very strange and timing and things may or may not actually be "for a reason," it may all just be coincidence but sometimes I doubt it.

And other times I think it is just plain helpful and exciting to find so many things aligning that seem to point us in certain directions. 

Other times I think it can be very healthy to give it all a reason and meaning. It can keep life, fun, interesting and meaningful. 

I don't always understand the reasons, and maybe my brain takes things a bit too far. Maybe at times I have a hard time distinguishing reality from fantasy but maybe I am not so far off and maybe imagination is an excellent tool for not only surviving but thriving. :)

Maybe fantasy is the reality that makes life worth living. 

"I love my beautiful crazy life." I tell the mountains as I remembered my blog I had forgotten for years amidst a flooding or memories that had been suppressed, when new me was trying to process the pain and strength of my heart where JP had taken root. 

...Yep, I really love JP, it's one of the best lifts at our resort