Tuesday, June 30, 2009

not today

Sometimes I just want to throw it all away and start over. Just me, the husband and the kids. I know the kids are game... Well maybe, kind of. But the husband, he'll take some convincing...
I am tired of all the things swimming around in my head. I'd like them to go away. Too many exposures to fairy tales, and statistics. Politics and Media. Books and bills. Visuals, said and unsaid expectations... Gone are the good old days of simplicity and self reliance...did they ever really exist?
Too many movies and magazines and too many people telling me what I should look like,what I should wear, what I should act like... And yet so many people have a problem with religion for the same exact reasons. Life is lame sometimes and so are people and all I can do is write about it on this lame ass blog and some people will be intrigued but most will find it a waste of their time so is that what we really are? Is that what I am and how and why? You see sometimes it is all just bullshit. Bullshit that hits for a moment and hopefully I've learned well enough by now to just keep holding on and things'll get looking better again. I still love sunsets and I still love mountains, beaches and even people. I love rocks and flowers. I love cliffs and waterfalls. I love to fly. I love the wind and the rain. I love cool evenings and stars. I love fires and birds. I love simple things... Someday I will disappear into my simplicity but I suppose not today.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Saving lives.

It's not enough to merely save people from death. We can save lives but if the quality of that life is not worth it to them then what is the point?

Before my brothers passing I had recently connected with two friends from high school, that are sisters, and had been two of those people that you just get along easily with, connect with, and will always cherish. After my brothers passing the younger of two tactfully asked "how."

As it turned out my gracious friends lost there dad about six years ago, he also "took his own life"... My friends shared with me about him. I am so appreciative of their compassion and willingness to share. He'd hit a point of complete madness. He was no longer himself or at least not the man that they all knew and loved. Why? He'd been OK for so long. He'd been an amazing dad, a kind and generous person. Brilliant even. but then it all started to fall apart and who knows if he got help in time. Who knows if he was even taking the "help" that he was being given. All the same he was going and then he was gone. They all tried to help him and at times even tried to save his life but those closest to him knew that it was not their life to save. They knew that merely keeping him alive was not saving him. They had already lost him... Where did he go?

Did he just give up on fighting? Had is adaptive practices been changed to the point of demise? Are mental disorders/illness's degenerative? Was it merely a matter of time?

Obviously there is no sufficient nor satisfactory answer to these questions, especially to his family, he is gone.

I have another friend, with whom I was fortunate enough to work with this last year. Her father passed away a month before my brother. At one point, when I was struggling a bit at work, I asked her how she was doing and if she felt this way or that. She was compassionately willing to talk. Our brief conversation led her to tell me that it was actually not the first father she had lost (although I must tell you, as a evidence of her compassion, it was not her loosing two fathers that brought up the subject but how she felt so bad for her mother because this was her second husband to loose). As it turned out, her biological father committed suicide when she was very young. Her father was about the age of my brother. I was amazed and so impressed with my friend and her graciousness in coping and sharing. I asked her what he was like. She explained that he was in the military. He loved to work out He even loved life often. He was kind and loving and not the type of person you might expect this from, though he did struggle with depression from time to time.

I remember thinking how both of these men sounded similar to my brother. I have often thought that if he had only gotten married and had a family of his own this would not have happened. But after speaking with these two friends about their own fathers I have realized that it is not the case. Family does not cure some one of mental illness and it does not save one from this fate. Family can do a lot for a person including improving their quality of life but in they end that alone would not have saved my brother, no matter how much they may have loved each other. There is so much more to the story here.

One thing I would like to point out is that I don't believe that such interactions and the many other bizarre coincidences are coincidences at all. I am soooo thankful that wonderful people were so conveniently lined up for me! Thank you so much my friends for sharing and for wanting to help and make a difference in this crazy mixed up world we live in!

But I will also re-iterate: keeping some one breathing is not merely enough. We have a responsibility to each other to do more and be more. And yet likewise, when it is someones time to go, no matter how painful or hard it is to understand, then it is time to let them go and love them just as well.

The simple little blog entry that turned into a bizarre creature of a thing...

Any one who knows me well, likely knows that they are one of my most favorite people. That being said I hope that my favorite people who really do not struggle to maintain sanity will still know that, yes, you are still one of my favorite people. (p.s. I am very fortunate because I know a lot of very very amazing, awesome and interesting people. It's not hard to have a lot of favorite people when you know the people that I know.)
But today I just want to say that I love my "crazy" friends. It is nice to talk with people who understand insanity similar to the way that I do. I also have to say that I think I trust these friends more then any one in the world.
I believe that unless you realize that you could possibly be just as "crazy" as that homeless man mumbling, growling and punching himself in the head then it is possible that you just might be more delusional then he is. Of course I am not saying that everyone needs psychiatric help, but rather I am saying that just because one person's world is not socially accepted as sane does not mean that society and all that is accepted and expected there-in is sane. With all of the knowledge that we have and that we have gained over the course of history it is silly to think that we are not being influenced by things that may not be immediately and obviously affecting us.
If I've lost you, don't worry I've lost myself to... So My point? I suppose it is this: Welcome to crazy my friends!
And to my "crazy" friends: Thank you for embracing your insanity and then working to maintain mental, emotional and societal responsibility! I absolutely Love You!
(I suppose I'm still a bit tired. I'm not sure that I'm actually saying what I am trying to say, but today I'll say it anyway. It's one of the perks you get to allow yourself when you succumb to taking medication to maintain sanity... oh, will I ever cease to embarrass myself? that'll likely be the day I disappear...flying away with pigs...I might go back and erase or edit this one later...when I'm more awake...after I frighten people away of course...)

Friday, June 12, 2009

ADD and All this bull#$@*...

So we took my husband to a Dr. yesterday to explore his ADD issue's, see if we can't figure a thing or two out for him... The Dr. said he has a mood stability disorder as well as definite ADD and that is what we need to treat first. A mood stability disorder he also explained as bipolar (kind of a baby bipolar if-you-will). I think I am still laughing. I don't quite know what to think about all this mental health/illness/disorder bullshit but I do agree that my husband has a mood stability disorder that I want treated because, quite frankly, he can be scary but that's not really who he is. And he has adapted very well all things considered but he still "has issue's" and at this point in his life I don't think we have the time or the patience for all the alternatives...

I really kind of hate all this bullshit...
I suppose you connect with who you relate to and we definitely connect but I hate that we "need" medication... and I suppose I may always question "need" medication versus alternatives. I hope that one day I'll be able to take care of it all a bit more naturally.
But for now I think it is best that I take the path that leads me quickly and forcefully away from self-destructing...

Sometimes life is interesting but incredibly stupid.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

where to put the fight

Some days are hard. Some days I feel sad. I miss my brother, especially on days like to day... We went to the Air Force Air Show and I saw so many guys in their fatigues that reminded me of my brother. I got to go on a plane similar to those he loved to jump from (he was Airborne). The pride and patriotism of the military always impresses me and excites me, I want to join sometimes. I know I'd be incredible. I imagine that the discipline and intensity of the military might be more my pace. I could see myself as a drill sergeant even. I wish that J---- was here so I could talk to him about it...
But he's not and currently I am on medication so the military won't take me anyway... The medication that doesn't feel like it's working that great today anyway...
I have so much fight in me, even when I don't want to. Maybe this is where I belong, maybe this should be my fight...
Today I don't know what's what...
and I don't feel much like fighting today...

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

A comment to this article http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/05/27/army.suicides/index.html
and this one

In December my younger brother died from a self inflicted gun shot wound. He had served in the Army National Guard spending some time deployed in Afghanistan. I think there are a lot of stigma changes and paradigm shifts that need to happen with mental illness ESPECIALLY in the military.
My brother was not on medication and was not seeking medical help and part of what contributed to that was the stigma associated. While active in the Military he took medication for a short time but would only allow himself that as he would not be able to continue in the military if he continued taking medication.
I have also been on medication for my mental health issue's, when I tried to join the military they would not take me because I was on an anti-depressant, I thought it silly and stupid that they would take a "crazy" person that neither recognizes nor addresses their "insanity" but they won't take some one who is choosing to address their "issue."
Another point is that my brother very likely had a borderline personality disorder and it makes perfect sense for people with these types of disorders to join the military. Sort of a noble death wish if you will. That in and of it's self is not necessarily a bad thing and it's rather silly of the military to avoid these people but rather it seems it would make sense to utilize this personality type. In giving them the medical help they need with out the discrimination it would really make for a phenomenal military. I know my brother and I know what I am talking about, they (and we) would be an incredible asset to any branch of military but medical attention, education and acceptance in the arena of mental health is crucial and in a military setting would probably be fairly simple.

ups and downs on a much more even scale

So I've had some down days. I think that is to be expected, especially considering I recently lost a brother whom I love.
I slept a lot, felt sad, unmotivated, and not terribly interested in much at all. I'd think of my brother and cry. I'd feel down, so I'd sleep... Depression... I even had a couple of days in which I felt my mind might be starting to undermine my medication. My focus was off, my nerves and such were starting to rise and I was feeling very sensitive to any possible slight. I realized that I had not been taking the best care of myself, eating horribly, not exercising much and lack of a regular bedtime seemed to be getting to me. I'm changing those back to a more healthy standard and I am already feeling the level difference. I seem to be following the same cycle of ups and downs and in betweens, only now it is manageable. It feels...umm...how'd you say... uh "normal." I must say it is nice. I got excited again last night just realizing how manageable a couple of days of excessive day sleeping were and that they have not turned me into the beastliest of creatures.

I have to say that those who either have the fortune or misfortune of being around me are, either way, very fortunate that I did work so danged hard to keep myself in line. Had I not been aware and worked so hard at it, I'd have been a complete nutcase, seriously! I think that my own self awareness and the logging of it will help me to avoid the common pitfall of quiting medication too soon because "I am fine." So it is with that, that I will stress the value of education and societal values and standards... though I'm probably still a rebel of societal expectations on some level and forms.

Monday, June 1, 2009

especially considering I can rarely keep up with myself
I suppose if I found somebody who could and would actually keep up with me, that might be terribly frightening... I suppose