Saving lives.

It's not enough to merely save people from death. We can save lives but if the quality of that life is not worth it to them then what is the point?
Before my brothers passing I had recently connected with two friends from high school, that are sisters, and had been two of those people that you just get along easily with, connect with, and will always cherish. After my brothers passing the younger of two tactfully asked "how."

As it turned out my gracious friends lost there dad about six years ago, he also "took his own life"... My friends shared with me about him. I am so appreciative of their compassion and willingness to share. He'd hit a point of complete madness. He was no longer himself or at least not the man that they all knew and loved. Why? He'd been OK for so long. He'd been an amazing dad, a kind and generous person. Brilliant even. but then it all started to fall apart and who knows if he got help in time. Who knows if he was even taking the "help" that he was being given. All the same, he was going and then he was gone. They all tried to help him and at times even tried to save his life but those closest to him knew that it was not their life to save. They knew that merely keeping him alive was not saving him. They had already lost him... Where did he go?
Did he just give up on fighting? Had is adaptive practices been changed to the point of demise? Are mental disorders/illness's degenerative? Was it merely a matter of time?

Obviously there is no sufficient nor satisfactory answer to these questions, especially to his family. He is gone.

I have another friend, with whom I was fortunate enough to work with this last year. Her father passed away a month before my brother. At one point, when I was struggling a bit at work, I asked her how she was doing and if she felt this way or that. She was compassionately willing to talk. Our brief conversation led her to tell me that it was actually not the first father she had lost (although I must tell you, as evidence of her compassion, it was not her loosing two fathers that brought up the subject but how she felt so bad for her mother because this was her second husband to loose). As it turned out, her biological father committed suicide when she was very young. Her father was about the age of my brother. I was amazed and so impressed with my friend and her graciousness in coping and sharing. I asked her what he was like. She explained that he was in the military. He loved to work out. He often loved life. He was kind and loving and not the type of person you might expect this from, though he did struggle with depression from time to time.


I remember thinking how both of these men sounded similar to my brother. I have often thought that if he had only gotten married and had a family of his own this would not have happened. But after speaking with these two friends about their own fathers I have realized that is not the case. Family does not cure some one of mental illness and it does not save one from this fate. Family can do a lot for a person including improving their quality of life but in they end that alone would not have saved my brother, no matter how much they may have loved each other. There is so much more to the story here.


One thing I would like to point out is that I don't believe that such interactions and the many other bizarre coincidences are coincidences at all. I am soooo thankful that wonderful people were so conveniently lined up for me! Thank you so very much, my friends, for sharing and for wanting to help and make a difference in this crazy mixed up world we live in!


But I will also re-iterate: keeping some one breathing is not merely enough. We have a responsibility to each other to do more and be more. And yet, likewise, when it is someones time to go, no matter how painful or hard it is to understand, then it is time to let them go and love them just as well.

Seven pounds

This is a movie review.
Last night I watched "Seven Pounds" with my husband and I can summarize my feelings on the movie easily in two statements; First, I am glad I am "properly medicated" because this one would have been a bugger and second, one word, STUPID.
(*If you'd like to read the plot here is a link but it will entirely ruin the movie if you intend to watch it [and it's not very well writen] http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0814314/synopsis )
Interesting concept but totally flawed and the "message" was all screwed up with pretty damn screwed up intentions.
My husband rented this movie because he had heard it was good but neither of us really knew anything about it other then some guy doing seven "good deeds." So it is funny and a bit ironic that as I took my "chill pill" prior to settling in for the show I thought to myself "it is so lame that I have to take a pill to keep me from wanting to kill myself." In fact I mockingly told my husband that as he was putting the movie in.
So then the opening dialogue starts with Will Smith calling in his own suicide to 911.
If you recall I recently lost a brother to this very fate so I guess I can't claim an unbiased opinion in the matter. But where does my bias lie exactly, in a sense my brothers fate gave me a gift of acceptance and life in my own "mental health" struggle. I have struggled my self with a suicidal tendency and the idea that I could be doing the world a favor through my own death. I have often thought, and still agree, that suicide is most certainly not the worst thing that a person could do. I'd even go as far as saying that truly some people ought to consider it. But I will also say that I think it is very wrong and I am heart broken and at times a bit angry at losing my brother in this fashion. Given a second chance you better believe I'd have done everything in my power to try to prevent this. But that was not to be my place and that is that.
 Going back to the movie my opinion is that a movie that makes so many individual judgments and puts some self redeeming and savior like qualities onto an act of suicide is stupid. Yes, that is a judgemental statement in and of itself but I am judging a movie and a message and I believe there is a difference. [While it is totally unreasonable to think that we can live being truly non-judgemental I do think we can do better by avoiding judgements on people or individuals (including ourselves) and rather judge the action or the product and only for our own benefit. Like "I really think this movie is bad" versus "the director and people involved are bad for making this movie" do you see the difference I am trying to point out?]
So "Seven Pounds" is totally ridiculous. The last thing I want to say is that a person who is actually in a mental state capable of pulling off the feats that the Ben Thomas character pulled off is likely not in a suicidal state and if they really are that determined to "kill" them self in the end after all of that then WOW that's pretty freaking amazing, unfair and DAMN STUBBORN. I would say to "Tim Thomas" get over yourself, it's not always about you!

I realize that many people won't get my last statement, but some will. Feel free to ask me to clarify.

Suicidal default

So a few months ago (almost three) I wanted to start this blog in response to my brothers death. He "committed suicide" but who really knows what happened. Thing is at the time of the incident I did feel like I knew what happened and it did not shock me at all. All I can say is, I am glad I was on medication and I am glad that I am on even more now. Death sucks and it is hard. Mental illness sucks and it is hard. For some of us an intense longing for death is the most sure manifestation that there is a problem, but how do you tell someone "hey I really think life is good and interesting but what I'd really like try is death."
Yeah, it doesn't go over so well and for those that it does go over well with and you can actually talk about it openly with, it doesn't send the red flags that it should... and it may or may not always be present. So I think it's a horribly uncomfortable subject with a whole lot of cliches that, though they sound nice, do little for someone who genuinely longs for death... what a dreadful subject, but I tell you what, talking about it and exposing my own embarrassing flaws have saved me and others in more ways then we can know. I am alive after all.
And that is all I have to say for now.