where to put the fight

Some days are hard. Some days I feel sad. I miss my brother, especially on days like to day... We went to the Air Force Air Show and I saw so many guys in their fatigues that reminded me of my brother. I got to go on a plane similar to those he loved to jump from (he was Airborne). The pride and patriotism of the military always impresses me and excites me. I want to join sometimes. I know I'd be incredible. I imagine that the discipline and intensity of the military might be more my pace. I could see myself as a drill sergeant even. I wish that J---- was here so I could talk to him about it...
But he's not and currently I am on medication so the military won't take me anyway... The medication that doesn't feel like it's working that great today anyway...
I have so much fight in me, even when I don't want to. Maybe this is where I belong, maybe this should be my fight...
Today I don't know what's what...
and I don't feel much like fighting today...