Neutralize, compartmentalize, rinse and repeat.

To be honest, I don't hate what I am doing right now, which is writing the very lengthy claim of medical malpractice against IHC. Even though often what I am learning is disturbing and shocking, it has been and continues to be very interesting and fascinating learning process. I am learning a ton about the law and the realities about how our legal and justice systems work. In addition to that I have gained a lifetime of experience and side information as well. So I do not regret my decision and I am happy with my progress. In fact I finding increasing enjoyment of the process and it is proving to be a very worthwhile investment in myself.  

However, it has not been an easy journey to get this far and, albeit less in frequency and intensity,  I still find myself repeating my sustaining and self-fulfilling mantra of "That which we persist in doing becomes easier. Not that the task itself has changed but that our ability to do it has increased." I am glad this mantra is working. And so well as each step in this heavy laden and often stressful process is transforming into such a welcomed pride invoking accomplishment as I choose to appreciate and celebrate them instead of allowing them to weigh me down. 

Of course I still have to be careful and realistic, and I am which is why I came here for a bit of reprieve from my current task... 

The task you ask?  Well, I am intentionally trying to recall all of those confusing and conflicting memories that were on vivid detail repeat in my brain for so long. So long that I feared they would never go away and I'd be torture for eternity by them if I did not solve precisely what they were, what they meant, and what to do about them... For sooo long...

For so long I worked to solve them so I could escape them. For so long I was torn apart a thousand times a day by them. For so long those memories and words of Dr. He plagued and haunted me. ... and indirectly my family. 

And the harder I tried to solve the more they tore me down and every relationship for or with me.  

What a strange irony that now I am struggling to bring those memories back to my conscious recollection; asking my brain to remember them as precisely as they used to replay in me. 

Mania and the after effects. TBI as well. Such interesting and fascinating phenomena; especially from the 1st person perspective. 

The preciseness and heightened senses that keep things so exact in your brain while compromising your ability to act precisely and logically at all. So fascinating and I don't hate that I have experienced it. I just hate how you are treated for it. But now I am rambling, a bit tangential, and maybe avoiding a bit...

Because really, there is a cautious part of me that does not want to bring those memories back at all. Let them stay buried? Nope. I won't. They will be exposed because this is how I keep moving forward and how I keep moving on. Dig them out and keep digging until every root of the problem is out of the ground; too dried and sunbaked to ever grow again so matter the ground it is sown in. 

 I do find it quite helpful that I have so much written down because then I don't have to rely on memory and the emotions that digging can bring to the surface. Reading and then re-writing is much easier to neutralize and compartmentalize.  

Place Holder for Good People and Things

 I wish I had more time to post the good things that have been happening and things that are helping to restore some faith in humanity as I fight this fight... But learning how to go pro se in 60 days is very time consuming. I am learning how to be an attorney in a very short period of time and with very little help and resources. But I am doing it and I feel sad for the defendants because their stubborn and ill advised continuance to deny any responsibility fault etc. is not in any parties best interest and just the filed claim is going to be embarrassing to them -Which it rightfully should be but it is sad how unnecessary it has been for them to try and conceal and to perpetuate harm. It all could have been so easily avoided and even still can if they would just admit their mistakes and make efforts to improve -the way the are expected to by law and by the standards of basic human decency. 

Anyway, enough about that (another plea to those who may be following to please be reasonable) what I really would like to do is make a place holder for some stories that are worth sharing later. Those stories include:

• My birthday, the Sur Ron, and 
• the appointment on my birthday with the surgeon who fixed my hip. This appointment was about the numbness that still remains in my inner thigh. It was another "unexpected outcome" from a medical procedure only this one has been handled in stark contrast to how INI and IHC has handled the "unexpected outcomes" that happened when I was under their care and in direct correlation to their care, practices, procedures, etc. Standard of care in response to "unexpected outcomes" should be consistent with the common sense, ethical, fair, compassionate, and decent way that Dr. Hip-Surgeon responded.
• How the DOPL Division Director handled my concerns and complaints about how the DOPL hearing and disability related accommodations were handled. The interactions started not so good but this director did not simply write me off with condescension and degradation. Initially it felt like he was trying to but I knew there was likely some misinterpreting on both our parts when he agreed to meet with me and listen; and that was so refreshing. He even agreed to address some of the issues I brought up with his staff and to make changes to better serve the public. He learned, I learned, our support people learned, and together we addressed issues and made improvements that benefitted everyone. I left feeling not only validated but grateful and very appreciative. It was such a simple and appropriate way to handle the situation. 
• The growth and development that comes from tackling the hard stuff. 
• This one is not a good thing but I wish I had more time to blog about the sudden death of my husbands dear lifelong friend who died of a heart attack at the cardiologist's/doctor's office during a stress test. Such a good guy. Such a sweet wife and an incredible well adjusted blended family despite their many challenges... Gone so quickly. My husband feeling like he lost a piece of himself is angry with the entire medical industry, angry with the doctors. The growth in my husband to be able to express his feelings about this is significant. It is also surprisingly validating to me that my husband feels he now knows too much to think that the medical providers present were not in some way at fault for this. I am not sure how to explain this one and I don't think I am explaining it well so be advised that you may be misinterpreting what I am trying to articulate, but ultimately, my husbands supports is greatly appreciated while our hearts break for his family and for the devastating loss of this friend, especially knowing the nasty battle they face on top of it if they try to pursue filing a medical malpractice claim. A claim that common sense says should be paid on but that will first be reviewed by attorneys who will most likely do all in their power to collect as much as they can on the insurance payout that should be going to our friend's family. And that is very sad. 

... There are many things, especially good things in my life that I wish I had more time to write about but right now I have to stay focused on the hard tasks in order to meet those deadlines. 

Upgrading to Marginalized

 Marginalize: verb [with object] treat (a person, group or concept) as insignificant or peripheral: (as adjective marginalized).

Synonyms to marginalize(d) include: sideline, trivialize, isolate, cut off, shut out, disenfranchise, alienate, estrange, and discriminate against.

The definition alone of marginalized is not adequate to describe those two demographics I belong to, TBI survivor and Bipolar. Two demographics that it is currently socially and culturally acceptable to discriminate against. If we include the synonyms to marginalize we get closer to our status within society, but we are still not quit there. Marginalized is still a higher status then we are so often given and the term is just not adequate enough to describe our plight.

So in conjunction with the term marginalized, the demographics of TBI survivor and bipolar also need these terms to be included to describe our societal status: dismissed, degraded, devalued, dehumanized, misconstrued, misrepresented, stigmatized,...

Let me explain some of the harsh realities you face when have bipolar and/or have had a TBI and people know it. 

If you are normal (or if people don't know about your conditions) when you reach out to someone or entity for some legitimate purpose it is perceived to be for the purpose that you are reaching out. If you do not hear back and you follow up, this is considered to be a positive trait. You may be heralded as being persistent (in a good way), motivated, resolute, purposeful, resolved etc and you are more likely to get some form of response back. To which you will then reply according to the response which will most likely take the form of an invitation or thoughtfully given rejection. If it is an invitation you are further rewarded for future correspondence. If it is a rejection you will often still be praised for response that is equal to thank-you-for-your-time-and-feedback or a one-more-hard-sale attempt. 

However, if you have one of those other aforementioned titles attached and people know about it far, FAR TOO OFTEN, for following the EXACT same model as outlined above or less, you will be entirely ignored. If you dare to follow up then it is highly likely to be misconstrued to be harassing, and you will be treated with all manner of degradation. You may even be threatened for it. It is degrading, demoralizing and dehumanizing. But still, YOU, the person with known mood altering disabilities, are required to respond with graciousness and dignity as if the perpetrator of the dehumanizing is noble for even giving you any of their precious time. And it does not matter how calm, nice or stable you actually are, if you exhibit any form of impatience or frustration you are immediately shut down, shot down, and shut out. It does not matter the circumstances or the fact that such circumstances would increase stress and seriously try the patience of EVERY persons and if you are behaving better then most people, if you have one of those labels, and they know it, you will be condemned for any show of weakness.  It is far worse than being marginalized. 

When you ask for clarification, for your rights to be honored, for the same/equivalent treatment or if you continue fighting for the ending of such treatment you are only further misrepresented, chastised, ostracized, criticized, dehumanized, etc and given all manner of degrading labels, like: crazy, pain in the ass, delusional, waste of time, of no consequence, etc. 

People fear you because of their own misconceptions, biases, prejudices, etc. But if you try to clear those up, you are often treated in similar fashions as those described above.

If you ask for help you are shunned and shamed. 

And you get to listen to people casually talk about "crazy" people and "bipolar" in the most degrading ways. Nice people, good people, will say things  "that demon child has got to be bipolar or something." Or  like the therapist who asked my sister "so when are you going to leave him?" when she went to her for help and to learn how to cope with and handle her husband's bipolar illness.

Can you imagine if a person went to counseling for help handling the realities of life and issues associated with their spouses illness of cancer, diabetes, etc (like they so often do) and the therapist asked them, "So when are you going to leave them?" because they had been diagnosed with a tragic illness? 

We would be, as a society, absolutely appalled. We might even say it is "outrageous and intolerable."

If certain people are chastised, dismissed, degraded, devalued etc for expecting people they have paid, to treat them according to their paid professionals obligations to them (example doctors and professors) is that acceptable in a civilized community?

Is it acceptable to dismiss, degrade, ostracize, chastise, punish, etc. highly vulnerable and marginalized people for being highly vulnerable and marginalized? 

This is a small and severely understated example of what people like me are facing. It is why it is hard for us to get appropriate care or to admit to anyone, including and even especially ourselves, that we need the help and care we do.

It is also a HUGE factor in the suicide epidemic that is rising instead of declining. 

And this is all very frustrating. 

So I am asking our medical and mental health providers to please, at least, upgrade us -those with TBI, Bipolar and other mental illnesses- to marginalized. Marginalized is at least recognized in policies, are a bit more protected, and there are many grants and programs to help de-marginalize the marginalized. 

...I decided to post this to FB and after I did I started reading others posts. About the third post down was a heartfelt and beautiful tribute a friends young adult son who was just diagnosed with cancer. It is sad and I hurt for them... but I also have to admit I felt a bit of jealousy. Jealousy because they are dealing with an acceptable illness and an acceptable trauma and for it, they have very visible and compassionate support....

Wouldn't it be nice if all of us with serious life altering medical conditions were treated with the same level of support and compassion. We'd never allow the same degrading treatment to happen to this young man and his family because of his illness... so while my heart hurts for him and his family I am also grateful for them that his form is considered acute and has a good survival rate and I am grateful they are not dealing with an illness that they would be shamed, shunned and even vilified for in addition to and while they are dealing with the immensely difficult trials they will be as they try to stabilize and beat this illness/disease. 

Burden of Conscience

 To many things are going through my head about what I need write, document, cross-reference etc. that it is keeping me from sleeping. So I think, "Maybe I should just get it done right now since it is keeping me from sleeping. 

And this makes me nervous. Maybe in a PTS(D) kind of way... Because I still know and remember too well what happened last time things started keeping me up and preventing me from sleeping. 

I think I will be okay this go around because I have weathered many storms and I am NOT feeling the accompanying chemistry surgings but it is still a bit scary AND I need to sleep. 

So I opted to write out a few things that are keeping me up right now. 

1st: Their attorney. Blah. I need to respond to her last email in which she denied being deceptive as she was being deceptive. It was comical. And she went off about the evidence she presented to the Panel as if I had complained about things I had not complained about. I am baffled about why she went off about that and exactly what she thought my complaint was that she was addressing. What I think I am likely NOT baffled about is what her going off on that tangent suggests since my complaint was about her and IHC people being deceptive. 

She also claims she has been professional with me, or something like that. What gets me here is how I knew and she knows that she has done everything she can to cause stress to me. Apparently, I have learned these last few years, that is how attorneys "play the game" and crap like that. So they engage regularly and frequently in intentional inflictions of emotional distress and this is considered normal and acceptable among  attorneys. BUT intentionally inflicting emotional distress IS unscrupulous and illegal and thus a violation of the Attorney's Code of Ethic. Just because it is commonly practiced does not make it legal, ethical, or appropriate. It is beyond me how these practices are so widely accepted and excused. This is also part of why I will keep fighting. 

The other thing on my brain is how full of fallacies and inaccuracies the Panel's decision, facts, and opinions were. And what do I do about that? For the sake of patients and society it genuinely scares me  how much they dismissed, turned blind eyes to and excused. It is disturbing and unsettling that they so easily bought into the lies, deception and the slander and defamation of me. 

It's hard to know what to do. Do I try to offer corrections i.e. like by pointing out that there is no evidence to support IHC's claim that I had been told from the beginning that Dr. He would be limiting his therapy to 10 visits AND that the form and format he had started and was following with me would not be responsible to start with such a restrictive number of appointments AND this is well known by therapists... Do I try to stand up for myself i.e. by pointing out that I had NEVER been diagnosed with bipolar prior to seeing them and was not diagnosed with it until months after I had left their facility.

There is a lot of insanity and delusions in that write up directed to me about my experiences and what really happened but the insanity and delusions in it are not mine...

And just one more thing I'd like to say that is in my brain: Forgiveness does not relieve one of the obligation to report. I really wish it did, but it does not and the burden of conscience will not let you sleep when you know something and/or some people need to be reported and stopped.  

Medical Malpractice and how it's handled

Here are a few things I have learned (please correct me if I am wrong): 

Medical malpractice insurance is expensive and costs continue to increase. 

Medical malpractice insurance only covers the medical providers attorney fees. It does NOTHING to protect or pay for damages to the patient. So it only pays to fight having to pay for damages to the victim of malpractice.

"Frivolous" lawsuit are NOT common but they are spoken of and perceived to be both within the medical communities and without. 

Very few people pursue legal action for legitimate medical malpractice and of those who do even less win.

As a victim of medical mistakes you will be vilified for the mistakes made against you. 

Medical providers are regularly making medical decisions about your medical care and even diagnosis based on advice from attorney's who do not have the credentials to be giving medical advice. 

Large medical institutions put into place entire departments, policies and procedures to conceal their malpractice and even illegal acts. They give them names like "risk management" or "Office of Patient Experiences."  

Medical providers will protect their own PERIOD. 

Our systems are NOT fair and we do NOT all have equal access to justice or fair treatment from medical providers.

Attorney's are the biggest bullies and even though they have ethical guidelines they are supposed to follow, NOT following them is so commonplace that it is perceived and enforced that it is entirely acceptable for them to break their rules. 

"Standard of care" is far too subjective.

...There is a lot I have learned to include here but mostly I just wanted to write out how badly medical mistakes are handled and that THIS is what creates malpractice... 

And I want to share the analogy that is forming in my head: 

If a medical provider accidentally cuts off your arm, the pretty and professional box they wrapped your arm in does not negate the fact that they cut off your arm. But, at least here in Utah, that seems to be the standard of care when medical mistakes are made. 

And then, to top it all off, they and their attorneys will say, "See how pretty and professional this box is? See, we didn't do anything wrong. We don't know why the patient took their arm off and they did not disclose to us that their arm was removable before we carefully placed our knife on it with significant force. But even though they didn't disclose that we still put it in this nice pretty box for them. It's not our fault they don't like the box."

And then the panel, their peers, will say, "Their box is very pretty therefore they did not cut off your arm. Furthermore, your telling them that your arm was now missing, trying to figure out what happened to it and then trying to warn others was reason enough to misdiagnose you in the first place and then ostracize you for it." 

Yep. That about summarizes it and what you can expect in a DOPL pre-litigation hearing. And I am sorry to have to report this but the panels decisions literally and in all honesty makes about that much sense. (Really- They literally justified my immediate termination based on contact I had made with a third person over a year and a half after said termination. I know you are going to think you read this wrong or that I am being misleading in some way, but I'm not. You may refer to my previous blog entry for more information about that exact third person contact. It will not be hard to prove in court that this contact was made LONG after termination and was NOT what it was misrepresented to be during the pre-litigation hearing) 

It reminded my husband of a scene from Oh Brother Where Art Thou: "So I borrowed it until I did know."

hmmm, now why did the Utah Supreme Court rule that process as unconstitutional? At least that. 

Reaching out vs Calling out

 It is shocking just how bad the medical malpractice really is and how much people can and will deny. 

Today I find myself repeating what seems to have become a necessary mantra: "That which I persist in doing becomes easier. Not that the task itself has changed but that my power to do so has increased."

But still it is hard which is why I am here... choosing to say all the things I want to say here. 

1st it is shocking what people with titles will condone from their peers and others with titles. Shocking. And how they will condone all of it. They will not even acknowledge that, yes, maybe somethings could have been done differently or better or that there were some mistakes made. It is shocking that they won't even give you that... And disappointing too because then you know you really have to fight because it is far worse than you knew and want to believe... Which again confirms that you are not the only one. 

How in the hell can positive advances be made in treating and diagnosing patients if when medical and psychological providers make mistakes they deny everything and refuse to look at what could have been done differently? 

With IHC, they directly contradicted themselves, distorted evidence, faulted me for believing them and trying to protect them, and they straight up lied about things. They straight up lied about things that made NO sense to lie about. Like 10 minutes to reiterate. Why would they lie about an appointment only being 10 minutes long? and if Dr. He really did only spend 10 minutes talking to me at that last appointment, then HOLY SHIT the mania I was experiencing was MUCH MUCH worse than I knew. And the SUPPER POWERS were REAL!

...which also means Dr. He really did engage in very reckless endangerment and/or, especially considering all of his highly acclaimed credentials, is either shockingly stupid or did something really bad and VERY inappropriate. 

It's scary really. Damn scary... and I wish I didn't know this first hand...

2nd: How the hell do they all sleep at night? or are they really that delusional in their beliefs, values, practices, egos whatever? How the hell do their attorneys sleep at night? Do they actually and literally enjoy bullying victims AND lying to the medical providers? It sure seems and appears that way. And do these attorneys really believe their lies? Do the providers really believe their lies? This is very scary... because the scariest liars are those who believe their own lies...

Since I am saying here what I wish to say, but know I am expected not to, I think I might also let them know I have every right to reach out to people who might know just how bad a person is and how far I need to take this fight. 

Yes, I DID reach out to Dr. He's ex-wife and I am not sure how that all got brought up to him; if she used it against him or if she just let him know that it had happened. If I were to guess based on things Dr. He had said to me I would guess that she used it against him. However, since I now know that He is not honest, cannot be trusted, AND that he said somethings to manipulate me, I might more safely assume that she may have just brought it to his attention. Or she was scared of loosing part of her income (in the form of alimony/child support) if he were exposed for what she knew him to be... Who really knows? Not me because I am not allowed to talk with anyone who could answers these questions. Which brings me back to my point in contacting his ex-wife at all; which can be easily summarized into "seek first to understand." 

When I reached out to her the ONE and ONLY time I did, via Facebook, I did so because I had been put into this situation where I knew things were wrong, that Dr. He had been deceptive and deviant on some level, but I was not sure how deceptive and deviant he was. I DID NOT want to go after him at all. I did not want to file complaints and lawsuits etc. BUT I also knew, especially because of how things were handled and continued to be ignored, dismissed, condoned, etc by IHC, that this guy could be/is a REALLY bad guy. I knew there was/is a chance he really is a grooming psychologist who very cleverly set himself up in the PERFECT position with a very prime demographic of patients, and that he was so good at it, so subtle, calculating, and charming in a self-effacing way, that he may never be caught regardless of how much harm he causes to those of us he chose/chooses to groom. I also know that others aren't as strong as I am. They don't have the experiences, background, etc I do and after knowing how his manipulative practices effected me, I can't even imagine how much worse off other victims would be... I had/have an obligation to protect. But again, I don't want it and I did not want to take on the burden of trying to stop this man. It's a very difficult predicament to be in. But I figured I had to ask and that it was better to ask then to not. Especially if his ex-wife knew he needed to be stopped but was powerless to do so herself. 

So am I bad for that? Is that inappropriate on my part? It is debatable and I, myself, can debate both sides. But if we look at my intentions and reasons for reaching out to her, AND the fact that I tried only once, I will firmly argue that this should not be used against me and it most certainly should not be used to dismiss the malpractice and misconduct that were the reason for my reaching out to her. Especially since it was over a year after I had left his Neuroscience Institute. 

And just in case you want to see that message for yourself here it is: 

"I am sorry to bother you, or I hope that I am not, but I am in a very difficult predicament and moral dilemma that I am struggling to resolve that involves your ex-husband ***. He was my therapist almost 2 years ago. From what he has told me it was when you were going through your divorce. This may have been what lead to his mistakes with me, but I am also aware that he may be far more deviant than I ever wanted to believe. Would you mind talking to me about him? He, or his institution, now have me pegged as something I am not and it has caused significant problems. I am not sure if he intentionally misdiagnosed me to protect himself or if it really was an accident and they, as an institution, just handled insanely poorly but things need to be reported and I am really tired of waiting on lawyers. Plus I don't want to, and never wanted to, be the enemy they seem to think I am or have tried to make me out to be to cover up their mistakes with me. I know if you ask him he will try to keep you from talking with me, as he has done with the people at the Neuroscience Institute and others. He will also try to use it against me. I am not sure why, but even as I type this out I am seeing more and more that I have an obligation to report him... I suppose I really just want to know, and I figure you of all people will know best, just how deviant/manipulative he is? Does he need to be stopped?"

The only thing that was changed was the omission of Dr. He's name as indicated by ***.

Conviction

 Pre-litigation was Wednesday

Something that is very interesting about the medical malpractice DOPL pre-litigation hearing is how top secret they want you to keep them. I had to sign a paper. Having gone through one I can tell you that it is definitely interesting how "private" and "protected" they are. 

It is no surprise and very apparent why the Utah Supreme Court ruled the requirement of obtaining a "meritorious" ruling in order to bring the claim to court as unconstitutional. It is. 

But I am not aloud to take about it. hmmm

What I can say is I went through the process so I could learn and I learned A LOT. One of the most important things I learned was how my brain handled it... Which was not very good. I cannot do what I used to be able to do as far as presenting AND unexpected surprised took a bigger toll than I anticipated. 

I can also say that it strengthened my resolve to keep fighting this and clarified my reasons for fighting. 

Now I am going to get tangential. Or am I?

Yesterday I got to work at my resort teaching snowboarding. I was a bit tired and was willing to be cut if all of us instructors weren't needed. But I was needed. I agreed to take the first time kids. I ended up with 5 boys ages 9-11. 4 of 5 were surfers visiting from Hawaii. Three were related and there together. 

Funny thing about surfing and snowboarding is how similar people think they are. While there are some similarities, the mechanics of how they work are opposite in many ways. For example surfing is back foot weighted and steering while snowboarding is front foot steering and, when you are learning, you have to intentionally weight the front foot in order to make up for the laws of physic that make your body try to stay at rest while gravity and snow pull your snowboard into motion. 

Also edges. Surfers do not feel edges like you do on a snowboard. And on a snowboard you have to feel and use those edges. 

These lively boys were definitely surfers and initially it was a bit of a disaster because of their surfing background -a common occurrence, which is really why it is funny comparison. Needless to say, it was an absolutely exhausting lesson. But I made the best of it, was glad for the chance to practice my compartmentalizing, and we had fun. 

So much fun in fact that the three related boys guardians' tipped me. Very well. 

Then they asked me if I'd be there today and if they could request me. I was not scheduled and I had an appointment. I was also not sure if I had the energy for another day with this rag tag team of snowboarders... But they were great kids and their grandpa and dad were so kind and grateful. I knew I could not do a full day of a kids group lesson, my brain would be far too exhausted, but a private with just the three of them, at only 3-4 hours I could handle. Especially since I get paid significantly better for private requests. So when dad and Grandpa asked to book me I happily obliged.

Today we had even more fun and the boys made amazing progress! I was beaming proud. Then to top it all of I got twice the tip I did the day before. Yes! Such a rewarding day.

But then the day got even better. I got to take my dear sweet TBI survivor friend to pick up a car that some very good people donated to her. It was so awesome to see a company that is part of a large corporation do something so generous. -It's kind of ironic that I am not allowed to publicly talk about that either. At least I am not allowed to tell who donated it, but this time it is not because they are hiding anything or trying to be deceptive, but only because, sadly, they know they cannot help everyone who needs it and deserves help.

In conversing with my dear TBI friend, who was so grateful for the car and so proud of me for standing up for myself and speaking out against the TBI related medical malpractice, I realized that the extra amount I earned from teaching snowboarding these last two days is precisely the amount it will cost to file the medical malpractice claim with the courts.  

Sometimes our paths are made clear. 

And sometimes our tangential is not so tangential after all. 

I may have a lot of work to do. A lot. But I am not afraid of it. I was put here for a reason and I will do my very best to expose what is going on at IHC and the attorney/legal malpractice that we are ALL victims of- patients and medical providers (at least the honest ones) alike.