So here is something I have noticed about people: They often work like pendulums, often erring too far in the opposite direction to try and compensate for mistakes they have made. Or, maybe even more common, they swing to far the other way to try and compensate for mistakes others have made that they felt had a negative effect on them. Which often, ironically, leads to the very same outcome or something at least as "bad;" sometimes even worse.
I find that I pendulum swing.
At one point I was having a conversation with my husband about how I have been so insecure and how I have far too often allowed myself to be treated as a second class citizen. I told him that I hope I don't pendulum swing too far in the other directions as I try to figure out some of these very delicate psychological, psychological, social and cultural balances. He said, "you will." the following conversation proved that he was not saying this to be snide but rather letting me know that it was to be expected, allowed and even okay. He also expressed his confidence in me and my solving skills because he knows that I'll not stay too far one way but will continue to work to find an appropriate center. This conversation meant a lot to me.
And as I allow the pendulums of me to swing I think on
This innocence thing... and Occam's razor...
*
I can honestly argue both sides and I have. But what it really seems to come down to is that the term "ethical" is treated, within the industry and from people in positions of power, as if psychologists and doctors have exclusive rights, so what ever they deem is ethical is unquestionably accepted as such regardless of whether the taken action really is ethical or not.
Truthfully, if all were playing fair and according to the spirit of their laws, (not the easily convoluted the letters of the laws), they all know I should not have been treated the way I was, blamed and shamed, or accused of "behaving inappropriately" -which, by-the-way, is also quite stupid because they also have it documented that I was not being terminated for doing anything wrong.
...and considering what I was dealing with, handling and managing through, the only thing "inappropriate" about my behavior was that I wasn't "inappropriate" enough to keep them from being able to deny what I was physiologically going through and trying to manage.
It was so convoluted. and I don't want to dig up too much, but I have some things that are running through my head again that I think are worth writing about. Some of those things point to deviant and others point to not-so-deviant.
And I wonder if there was some pendulum swinging that led to Dear Dr. He's possible deviance with me.
I know my pendulum has been all over the place and while body chemistry is not swinging so wildly anymore I still have many troubles to balance out and as I try to compartmentalize and move on some things are nagging. There are issues here that are significant and relevant to more than just me. My situation exposes problems that need to be addressed on a much larger scale than just me and my situation. And as I try to figure out how this is to be done I feel it important to share a few of the remembered phrases that beg to be explained (not listed in order except the last):
"I do not believe in forever anymore"
"I told you not to try and solve this."
"You only see what I allow you to see."
"I could lose my license because of you"
"I wonder if sharing this [painting] with me is like exposing yourself to a lover for the first time?"
"I am not meant to be with just one woman."
"You love me?" (inflection of significance)
"I am a snake?" (inflection of significance)
"Do you want a hug?"
"I have tested your brain in ways you don't know"
"I don't do well with blurred boundaries"
"I do not need more friends"
"At least you have that outlet"
"I am good at connecting with people"
"I could never really open up and be vulnerable with you because I would always want to protect you"
"because of how easily we connected and you being an attractive woman I will never have anything to do with you outside of therapy because I could see myself falling in love with you"
"Unfortunately their is still a human element to all of this"
"Why, are you a stalker?"(inflection of significance)
"I would have to be okay with that"
"I am going to let it burn out and I suggest you do the same."
"I am okay with being wrong"
...
So many things said, this is not a complete list, and one could say, "Well taken out of context..." but they are also indications of deviance considering his knowledge and training.
Now I am going to make people uncomfortable with some common knowledge that common folks don't necessarily have but therapists do:
1. It is not uncommon for TBI survivors to become some level of promiscuous after TBI. People who work with TBI survivors know this.
2. TBI, especially in my specific locations, can affect impulse control.
3. One of the very common symptoms of mania is increased sex drive
.... And, dear friends, I have exposed enough of myself on this here blog and eluded to enough that I might has well be straightforward on this topic and openly confess that this was one of my symptoms associated with my mania. And it was intense. I am very lucky I did have an outlet. It may have even been the silver lining that saved my marriage.
I also have significant sympathy for those who have not been as fortunate as I in outlet and upbringing. I cannot even begin to imagine trying to manage that kind of hyper-arousal without a willing and able partner and solid standards and boundaries.
I believe because I was raised with strong and clear values and boundaries about sexual activity and because I do not have the psychological mess that comes with sexual abuse (that far too many girls have) my level of deviance in this area has not been very high after either TBI. My teen years were tricky, but I am proud to say I was a virgin until marriage (at the rip old age of 21) and I did not do anything sexually inappropriate with Dr. He (or any other man/person) even when the odds seemed stacked against me.
So could Dr. He, being a neuropsychologist and a psychologist/therapist before that, really have innocently said and done the things he did? Considering how he "held all the cards," was in a position of power, knows those 3 common symptoms, implied serious attraction (slyly neither confirmed nor denied but rather implied), and he asked if I wanted a hug, aka physical contact....
...Obviously he was not innocent or he would not have been concerned about loosing his license.
Yes, he knows better
and processing from stability makes it very clear, which also makes the avoided diagnosing, testing and treating accurately all that much more suspicious and deviant. My guess is that with my intelligence, experience, and my stability was much more threatening to them then my instability. In other words keeping me unstable made hiding their mistakes and deviance easier if I had been stable and/or stabilized. I didn't stand a chance going up against them in my instability, but in my stability I did. Does not matter that all I wanted was help in stabilizing and I was not interested in pursuing any type of action against them for their mistakes.
hmmm, the entire institution then appears to be deviant to an almost incomprehensible level, don't they?
And yet I still would give him the benefit of the doubt, had they not compromised my safety by denying mania and continuing down the path of misdiagnosis when those manic symptoms should have alerted them to what I had been trying to tell everyone all along; that there was something more going on with my head and that I felt I was manifesting better than my brain was really doing. MRI and doctors that are not trying to deny and hide have confirmed this.
But,
even still,
maybe due to the bizarre form of a Pollyanna that I am,
and having lived being me and not me due to head injury,
I know that things are often not as they seem and sometimes people really are much more innocent than they are manifesting ...
-and I even still, in spite of all that he has proven to me about how little regard he has for me, my health and my safety, I am trying to protect him and feel bad sharing so publicly the things he said that could get him into trouble, even though I know these conversations need to be had. Is it sad and silly that I would still wish to protect him and make amends with them? aah the oddities of human psychology-
sooo
My next blog entry will argue the other side
....Duhn Duhn Duhn...
to be continued...
*PLEASE NOTE: I would rather, and I have made every reasonable effort I could to, have the following conversation with Dr. He, and the Intermountain Neuroscience Institute, however, they have not only refused to allow any conversation about this or clarification on diagnosis and prognosis, but have also retaliated by tainting my medical records, terminating me form the entire facility and have a lawyer threaten me, using false allegations, in an attempt to quiet me about what happened to me there.
Wednesday, July 15, 2020
Monday, July 13, 2020
Dr. She and telling this story
Conversation with Attorney Friend has me processing all over again, which, honestly is kind of annoying, but still somehow helpful.
I talked with Dr. She today. She explains what Attorney Friend does not understand about my situation: that under the circumstances of his profession and training there is no such thing as innocent flirting. The only innocence can be from my side of things and they are trained to handle that. They know that not only is no flirting allowed but that it can also be very harmful to the client.
It is good that she explains this to me again and I see that, even though it is annoying, processing this again from my current mental state it is actually not a bad thing. I even had explained this without realizing how accurate I was to Attorney Friend; that ultimately as the rules for his profession stand they imply that any form of flirting by the therapist is a form of grooming.
I have a very clear understanding of this now and my processing is helping me still.
AND
Most exciting, I am not a mess. I can actually handle it this time and there have been no or almost no tears. This time my heart is still whole and my confidence holds.
I AM SO HAPPY about these details.
I point out to Dr. She that I have had to process this from so many different places, stages and phases.
And I also point out how the betrayal feels so widespread because of how vulnerable I really was and how unwilling anyone was to help or report. And why is that? Basically because it is so incomprehensible to people; therefore they would rather make you wrong.
Hell, I was even doing it to myself; constantly looking for reasons to believe and trust them when my best interest was the last thing they cared about.
Through fresh eyes, and armed with the power of knowledge and experience, I now KNOW he was very deviant in his intentions with me... He knows far too much to be able to claim innocence.
My intuition and many years of experience and education from the other side of the couch are not insignificant and should not be ignored.
I talked with Dr. She today. She explains what Attorney Friend does not understand about my situation: that under the circumstances of his profession and training there is no such thing as innocent flirting. The only innocence can be from my side of things and they are trained to handle that. They know that not only is no flirting allowed but that it can also be very harmful to the client.
It is good that she explains this to me again and I see that, even though it is annoying, processing this again from my current mental state it is actually not a bad thing. I even had explained this without realizing how accurate I was to Attorney Friend; that ultimately as the rules for his profession stand they imply that any form of flirting by the therapist is a form of grooming.
I have a very clear understanding of this now and my processing is helping me still.
AND
Most exciting, I am not a mess. I can actually handle it this time and there have been no or almost no tears. This time my heart is still whole and my confidence holds.
I AM SO HAPPY about these details.
I point out to Dr. She that I have had to process this from so many different places, stages and phases.
And I also point out how the betrayal feels so widespread because of how vulnerable I really was and how unwilling anyone was to help or report. And why is that? Basically because it is so incomprehensible to people; therefore they would rather make you wrong.
Hell, I was even doing it to myself; constantly looking for reasons to believe and trust them when my best interest was the last thing they cared about.
Through fresh eyes, and armed with the power of knowledge and experience, I now KNOW he was very deviant in his intentions with me... He knows far too much to be able to claim innocence.
My intuition and many years of experience and education from the other side of the couch are not insignificant and should not be ignored.
Saturday, July 11, 2020
Occam's razor - The Complexity of over Simplifying
Innocent and debatable....
maybe I am continuing that.
But holy crap, and other not so nice exclamatories,
what a mess I was in those days of the breaking of me by D -ea- r. Perri Cherie (Dr. He).
It was not at all fair.
...
I am writing again, The attempt at a book about my adventures in that Weird Wonderland.
I am very pleased to report that the burdens have lifted significantly. My review, to help lift the heavy burden of the need to warn others, has worked and is holding with minimal efforts.
I am glad for that.
And it is making it possible for me to write about out my very bizarre mind altered experiences without being triggered or breaking apart emotionally.
I am letting go.
While and by doing something about it.
But it has not been easy and when I go back and read the things I wrote at that point in breaking time it is very clear why.
...
Occam's razor
Attorney friend mentioned with the thought that maybe it really was as simple as he "was attracted to you and it is just not that hard to believe"
But Occam's razor as described by the wikipedia link is that the solution is simple. That would have been the problem, not the solution.
It is possible that was the main problem. And if the problem was that simple they may have oversimplified their solution to the problem: get rid of me.
Which, unfortunately, becomes very complex for me because that was not my problem, nor why I was there.
Honestly, in looking at it from the problem perspective and not the solution, I think this situation may be opposite of an Occam's razor in that the problem was not simple, but rather complex simply because of the sheer number of issues that came into play:
1. I had a TBI that was misdiagnosed or under diagnosed and this was still unknown or being denied at that point in time
2. I was dealing with a very real form of PTSD which
3. had me processing this head injury from both a childish and adult place
4. I was having memories return
5. Dr. He had some of his own emotional baggage he was dealing with
6. transference
7. countertransference
8. he had blurred boundaries with me
9. I did not realize #7 or the extent or reality of #8
10. I loved and trusted him maybe too much and for many reasons
11. He was not just a therapist for me but also a medical provider
12. He had developed feelings
13. He was scared and acting on his fears
14. I was paying for his services
15. My patient rights were denied but I was still expected to pay for services that I was not allowed clarification on
16. I was, in fact, manic and NO that is not debatable if the definition is what it is.
17. the simplicity of a therapist being attracted to a client is not allowed and is forbidden and taboo in the industry or psychology. It is also handled really stupidly in an overly simplified way that is simply abusive to the client. It is a perpetuation of problems, abuses and harm they have likely experienced in their past.
...
I am sure their are more
but my point is, it was not one simple problem which means utilizing the standard of one overly simplified solution was not likely the best or most responsible solution; that overly simplified solution being: the expectation of immediate termination it a therapist has not kept countertransference in check (as mentioned in problem 17).
A simple solution, yes. A good or responsible solution? HELL NO!
However, I do believe the best solution, especially if only one is allowed, was very simple:
Listen to me and treat me for the symptoms I was experiencing. They even have this as a solution as listed in their Patient Rights, but they refused to honor those for me.
That very simple solution would have made a world of difference. It would have ended the insanity quickly which would have brought me to this point of stability much quicker and with much less pain and trauma to myself, my kids, my husband, the institution itself and probably even Dear Perri Cherie.
and in all honesty
I think the solution is still rather simple, the Neuroscience Institute could actually respectfully try to talk with me and consider utilizing me and my expertise. They could learn, I could learn, and we could all work together to make some seriously needed and beneficial changes that could help them treat more people more effectively and really improve the outcomes for TBI survivors.
It really can be just that simple.
But alas, they have not allowed it to be, and have vilified me, which suggests that true simple problem really is deviant and their most simple solution was to cover and hide.
So, as much as I love this idea of the problem simply being an innocent attraction, it just is not so and,
going back to what I actually originally came on here to write about,
my documenting of what was happening to me, my "Self discovery report" proves this easily because I was clearly not of sound mind and not being treated correctly by the experts that had a responsibility and obligation to help me.
...
As far as the writing goes, that crap is intense and bizarre.
And as I try to write the book, about that time in my life, I realize, regardless of how embarrassing it is, I am going to have to include some of that crap in my book. I will need to include it because, in my right mind, I am incapable of effectively illustrating that level of intensity and insanity and any attempt will fall short in helping people to see the reality of what someone is truly experiencing when they are broken like I was.
...Yet, apparently, from an outside perspective I was managing well enough. ???
Psychologists and doctors still have a lot to learn and a very long way to go
and
It is not until they start listening to the other side, stop stigmatizing and negative stereotyping their patient/clients, and until they stop punishing, vilifying, ignoring, and/or feeling threatened by people who are actually managing their mental health/illnesses well that they will truly start progressing, improving diagnosis and treatment options, and helping people on a larger and more consistent scale.
And if Occam's razor applies to any of this, maybe it is in that way, because the most simple solution usually starts first with first seeking to understand (Covey).
maybe I am continuing that.
But holy crap, and other not so nice exclamatories,
what a mess I was in those days of the breaking of me by D -ea- r. Perri Cherie (Dr. He).
It was not at all fair.
...
I am writing again, The attempt at a book about my adventures in that Weird Wonderland.
I am very pleased to report that the burdens have lifted significantly. My review, to help lift the heavy burden of the need to warn others, has worked and is holding with minimal efforts.
I am glad for that.
And it is making it possible for me to write about out my very bizarre mind altered experiences without being triggered or breaking apart emotionally.
I am letting go.
While and by doing something about it.
But it has not been easy and when I go back and read the things I wrote at that point in breaking time it is very clear why.
...
Occam's razor
Attorney friend mentioned with the thought that maybe it really was as simple as he "was attracted to you and it is just not that hard to believe"
But Occam's razor as described by the wikipedia link is that the solution is simple. That would have been the problem, not the solution.
It is possible that was the main problem. And if the problem was that simple they may have oversimplified their solution to the problem: get rid of me.
Which, unfortunately, becomes very complex for me because that was not my problem, nor why I was there.
Honestly, in looking at it from the problem perspective and not the solution, I think this situation may be opposite of an Occam's razor in that the problem was not simple, but rather complex simply because of the sheer number of issues that came into play:
1. I had a TBI that was misdiagnosed or under diagnosed and this was still unknown or being denied at that point in time
2. I was dealing with a very real form of PTSD which
3. had me processing this head injury from both a childish and adult place
4. I was having memories return
5. Dr. He had some of his own emotional baggage he was dealing with
6. transference
7. countertransference
8. he had blurred boundaries with me
9. I did not realize #7 or the extent or reality of #8
10. I loved and trusted him maybe too much and for many reasons
11. He was not just a therapist for me but also a medical provider
12. He had developed feelings
13. He was scared and acting on his fears
14. I was paying for his services
15. My patient rights were denied but I was still expected to pay for services that I was not allowed clarification on
16. I was, in fact, manic and NO that is not debatable if the definition is what it is.
17. the simplicity of a therapist being attracted to a client is not allowed and is forbidden and taboo in the industry or psychology. It is also handled really stupidly in an overly simplified way that is simply abusive to the client. It is a perpetuation of problems, abuses and harm they have likely experienced in their past.
...
I am sure their are more
but my point is, it was not one simple problem which means utilizing the standard of one overly simplified solution was not likely the best or most responsible solution; that overly simplified solution being: the expectation of immediate termination it a therapist has not kept countertransference in check (as mentioned in problem 17).
A simple solution, yes. A good or responsible solution? HELL NO!
However, I do believe the best solution, especially if only one is allowed, was very simple:
Listen to me and treat me for the symptoms I was experiencing. They even have this as a solution as listed in their Patient Rights, but they refused to honor those for me.
That very simple solution would have made a world of difference. It would have ended the insanity quickly which would have brought me to this point of stability much quicker and with much less pain and trauma to myself, my kids, my husband, the institution itself and probably even Dear Perri Cherie.
and in all honesty
I think the solution is still rather simple, the Neuroscience Institute could actually respectfully try to talk with me and consider utilizing me and my expertise. They could learn, I could learn, and we could all work together to make some seriously needed and beneficial changes that could help them treat more people more effectively and really improve the outcomes for TBI survivors.
It really can be just that simple.
But alas, they have not allowed it to be, and have vilified me, which suggests that true simple problem really is deviant and their most simple solution was to cover and hide.
So, as much as I love this idea of the problem simply being an innocent attraction, it just is not so and,
going back to what I actually originally came on here to write about,
my documenting of what was happening to me, my "Self discovery report" proves this easily because I was clearly not of sound mind and not being treated correctly by the experts that had a responsibility and obligation to help me.
...
As far as the writing goes, that crap is intense and bizarre.
And as I try to write the book, about that time in my life, I realize, regardless of how embarrassing it is, I am going to have to include some of that crap in my book. I will need to include it because, in my right mind, I am incapable of effectively illustrating that level of intensity and insanity and any attempt will fall short in helping people to see the reality of what someone is truly experiencing when they are broken like I was.
...Yet, apparently, from an outside perspective I was managing well enough. ???
Psychologists and doctors still have a lot to learn and a very long way to go
and
It is not until they start listening to the other side, stop stigmatizing and negative stereotyping their patient/clients, and until they stop punishing, vilifying, ignoring, and/or feeling threatened by people who are actually managing their mental health/illnesses well that they will truly start progressing, improving diagnosis and treatment options, and helping people on a larger and more consistent scale.
And if Occam's razor applies to any of this, maybe it is in that way, because the most simple solution usually starts first with first seeking to understand (Covey).
Thursday, July 9, 2020
Innocent and Debatable
Innocent
Unfortunately their is nothing innocent about how I was handled.
And the worst part is I have to constantly remember this. It is the battle my little brain and heart have to constantly duke out.
I cannot allow the tempting thoughts of innocence to creep back in
Because it breaks me in so many ways
that people just cannot understand unless they have experienced it.
There are a couple of haunting thoughts that are lingering.
1: this idea of it being a somewhat innocent flirting scenario. Sometimes I am so naive that I forget what this suggests about me; that I was there flirting and playing with that man. This subject can be debatable. I am playful and maybe I flirt more than I realize. My Peruvian friend had a name for this that I can't recall but that is given to women who are either really bad at flirting when they try to flirt and/or are super flirtatious without realizing they are. It was suggested that I may be the latter. Considering some of the things I was appalled to learn that my husband thought about me and my motives prior to marriage, I suppose I just might be that Peruvian slang term that sounds something like Gila monster but I don't remember.
However that, in a therapeutic relationship, is where the innocence ends. With me.
Therapists are not supposed to flirt. That is against their training and ethics. They are also supposed to be able to identify the different types of flirting and reasons for it if it is coming from their clients. I wonder how good the training and information on this is? Or if their training is heavily bias and it is something more akin to my previous blog entry titled "the Seductress" resulting in therapists mainly believing that a client is up to no good if they think the client is flirting. This may be the main interpretation within the industry, which in all reality, (and I will speak my opinion as if it were fact) is stupid.
To me, I thought of that man as a friend. Once upon a time I knew better, and fundamentally I knew better, but my brokenness and vulnerability had him pegged as that to me. I also did not consider myself to be any sort of threat or temptation. It was not until I broke, after he put distance between us after I spoke of how our work together had helped me in my relationship with my husband and he left me heartbroken and in tears with "unfortunately their is still a human element to all of this" that I ever even considered there might be something more there for him than a therapeutic relationship. I knew I was getting attached but I also knew (or thought I knew) that it ended there, being only reflective of my own feelings, his previous "flirtations" or suggestions nothing more than innocent playfulness or his professional testing of my feelings toward him. It never occurred to me that he may have actually been flirting or planting suggestions.
That moment that broke me was a beautiful and tragic moment that altered the course of everything. Now I realize that even in spite of ones training and expertise people do make mistakes, and I was genuinely okay with that. For this reason, even though he was trained to know and behave better I did believe it may have had some level of innocence and sincerity
but
I cannot now accept it as that because of how I was treated and handled. Even in that very moment. He was breaking me and he saw that I was hurting but he proceeded down that path. It may have been anger, fear, jealousy, self-preservation, or some other emotion that he was acting on, but ultimately I was being punished for his pain and suffering and that is where any innocence ends.
ESPECIALLY when that person is a medical provider and/or in a position of power over another. And his position of power over me was compounded and compounding as I was breaking. I was highly vulnerable in more than just one way, I loved and trusted him, he was a professional paid for service, he has a PhD - is trained and regarded as a specialist in his field, and the specialist that was especially relevant to me. He also is with an institution that has significant power and influence. IHC power within our state just may be to the degree of "absolute power corrupts absolutely." Therefore, flirting from his position with me was not innocent. And he knows it or he'd not have ever been concerned that he could loose his license because of me.
This is working out to be longer than I thought I needed it to be.
This means these thoughts and my innocent affections for him are wanting to be reinstated and entertained again and I am fighting to keep them at bay, because, as we have already established, they are neither wise nor healthy.
So I'll let this blog entry processing be. Even when so stable I have to keep fighting to keep my heart together and my mind free of the hauntings of He.
I will move onto haunting thought #2:
Attorney Friend said something about how the mania I experienced is debatable. Now I understand his point was that in a court and legal settings the Neuroscience Institute would bring in their own "experts" and make it debatable, but in reality people believing that mania is debatable is so completely stupid. I know because I was thinking along those same lines while I was living it. The reason I was thinking along those same lines was because Dear Dr. He missed or dismissed it and then in their "investigation" (to be read/said with the utmost sarcasm) they made it debatable.
AND there in lies the problem, trying to make an actual physiological and physical conditions debatable.
I was so jacked up. And I knew I was too much. I could physically feel my body chemistry surging. I was not sleeping, I was all kinds of crazy. It was fun, exciting, exhilarating, and beautiful at times, but those same things that made it feel like all of that were also very dangerous and bodies cannot maintain those kind of highs; whether they are happening biologically or as a response to artificially introduced chemicals, your body will burn up and burn out. Mine was not drug induced, it was biological broken brain and possibly careless therapist induced and insanely intense or intensely insane. But ask my husband and my kids and they can tell you it was not debatable.
It is stupid and obnoxious that people will try to label it as such. It is like saying diabetes is debatable, or even childbirth. Childbirth, I know, seems like a incompatible comparison here because childbirth results in the very-solid-evidence-form of a child, but I don't think it is so irrelevant because my mania resulted in the birth of a whole lot of physical evidence too... emails, this blog, some videos, the books worth of obsessive processing and writing that I brought with me to my last appointment with Dear Perri Cherie, to make sure "it," whatever "it" was, was not missed, my art, an expensive yellow Italian leather purse, Italian traffic tickets etc... There is physical evidence that was not there before and that does not come with or from a stable me. I mean really, who gives a crap about an Italian leather purse made in Italy? Maybe a lot of people do but I really don't, at least not at that price.
So while you or others may think it is debatable I know that it is not. I do not have the luxury of thinking or believing it is. To do so puts me in a very bad place.
In fact I believe making that kind of shit debatable is what leads to things like Laurie Vallow.
Just because a person is intelligent and can visibly manage the insanity of TBI, mania and/or other brain dysfunctions does not mean that the actual physiological problem does not exist or is debatable. If we are having psychological problems/symptoms don't try to make it debatable, Look into it and TREAT US. That is what an innocent man and institution would do.
Is that debatable too?
Maybe if we stopped making it so, then people would start listening and treating honestly.
Unfortunately their is nothing innocent about how I was handled.
And the worst part is I have to constantly remember this. It is the battle my little brain and heart have to constantly duke out.
I cannot allow the tempting thoughts of innocence to creep back in
Because it breaks me in so many ways
that people just cannot understand unless they have experienced it.
There are a couple of haunting thoughts that are lingering.
1: this idea of it being a somewhat innocent flirting scenario. Sometimes I am so naive that I forget what this suggests about me; that I was there flirting and playing with that man. This subject can be debatable. I am playful and maybe I flirt more than I realize. My Peruvian friend had a name for this that I can't recall but that is given to women who are either really bad at flirting when they try to flirt and/or are super flirtatious without realizing they are. It was suggested that I may be the latter. Considering some of the things I was appalled to learn that my husband thought about me and my motives prior to marriage, I suppose I just might be that Peruvian slang term that sounds something like Gila monster but I don't remember.
However that, in a therapeutic relationship, is where the innocence ends. With me.
Therapists are not supposed to flirt. That is against their training and ethics. They are also supposed to be able to identify the different types of flirting and reasons for it if it is coming from their clients. I wonder how good the training and information on this is? Or if their training is heavily bias and it is something more akin to my previous blog entry titled "the Seductress" resulting in therapists mainly believing that a client is up to no good if they think the client is flirting. This may be the main interpretation within the industry, which in all reality, (and I will speak my opinion as if it were fact) is stupid.
To me, I thought of that man as a friend. Once upon a time I knew better, and fundamentally I knew better, but my brokenness and vulnerability had him pegged as that to me. I also did not consider myself to be any sort of threat or temptation. It was not until I broke, after he put distance between us after I spoke of how our work together had helped me in my relationship with my husband and he left me heartbroken and in tears with "unfortunately their is still a human element to all of this" that I ever even considered there might be something more there for him than a therapeutic relationship. I knew I was getting attached but I also knew (or thought I knew) that it ended there, being only reflective of my own feelings, his previous "flirtations" or suggestions nothing more than innocent playfulness or his professional testing of my feelings toward him. It never occurred to me that he may have actually been flirting or planting suggestions.
That moment that broke me was a beautiful and tragic moment that altered the course of everything. Now I realize that even in spite of ones training and expertise people do make mistakes, and I was genuinely okay with that. For this reason, even though he was trained to know and behave better I did believe it may have had some level of innocence and sincerity
but
I cannot now accept it as that because of how I was treated and handled. Even in that very moment. He was breaking me and he saw that I was hurting but he proceeded down that path. It may have been anger, fear, jealousy, self-preservation, or some other emotion that he was acting on, but ultimately I was being punished for his pain and suffering and that is where any innocence ends.
ESPECIALLY when that person is a medical provider and/or in a position of power over another. And his position of power over me was compounded and compounding as I was breaking. I was highly vulnerable in more than just one way, I loved and trusted him, he was a professional paid for service, he has a PhD - is trained and regarded as a specialist in his field, and the specialist that was especially relevant to me. He also is with an institution that has significant power and influence. IHC power within our state just may be to the degree of "absolute power corrupts absolutely." Therefore, flirting from his position with me was not innocent. And he knows it or he'd not have ever been concerned that he could loose his license because of me.
This is working out to be longer than I thought I needed it to be.
This means these thoughts and my innocent affections for him are wanting to be reinstated and entertained again and I am fighting to keep them at bay, because, as we have already established, they are neither wise nor healthy.
So I'll let this blog entry processing be. Even when so stable I have to keep fighting to keep my heart together and my mind free of the hauntings of He.
I will move onto haunting thought #2:
Attorney Friend said something about how the mania I experienced is debatable. Now I understand his point was that in a court and legal settings the Neuroscience Institute would bring in their own "experts" and make it debatable, but in reality people believing that mania is debatable is so completely stupid. I know because I was thinking along those same lines while I was living it. The reason I was thinking along those same lines was because Dear Dr. He missed or dismissed it and then in their "investigation" (to be read/said with the utmost sarcasm) they made it debatable.
AND there in lies the problem, trying to make an actual physiological and physical conditions debatable.
I was so jacked up. And I knew I was too much. I could physically feel my body chemistry surging. I was not sleeping, I was all kinds of crazy. It was fun, exciting, exhilarating, and beautiful at times, but those same things that made it feel like all of that were also very dangerous and bodies cannot maintain those kind of highs; whether they are happening biologically or as a response to artificially introduced chemicals, your body will burn up and burn out. Mine was not drug induced, it was biological broken brain and possibly careless therapist induced and insanely intense or intensely insane. But ask my husband and my kids and they can tell you it was not debatable.
It is stupid and obnoxious that people will try to label it as such. It is like saying diabetes is debatable, or even childbirth. Childbirth, I know, seems like a incompatible comparison here because childbirth results in the very-solid-evidence-form of a child, but I don't think it is so irrelevant because my mania resulted in the birth of a whole lot of physical evidence too... emails, this blog, some videos, the books worth of obsessive processing and writing that I brought with me to my last appointment with Dear Perri Cherie, to make sure "it," whatever "it" was, was not missed, my art, an expensive yellow Italian leather purse, Italian traffic tickets etc... There is physical evidence that was not there before and that does not come with or from a stable me. I mean really, who gives a crap about an Italian leather purse made in Italy? Maybe a lot of people do but I really don't, at least not at that price.
So while you or others may think it is debatable I know that it is not. I do not have the luxury of thinking or believing it is. To do so puts me in a very bad place.
In fact I believe making that kind of shit debatable is what leads to things like Laurie Vallow.
Just because a person is intelligent and can visibly manage the insanity of TBI, mania and/or other brain dysfunctions does not mean that the actual physiological problem does not exist or is debatable. If we are having psychological problems/symptoms don't try to make it debatable, Look into it and TREAT US. That is what an innocent man and institution would do.
Is that debatable too?
Maybe if we stopped making it so, then people would start listening and treating honestly.
Tuesday, July 7, 2020
Tools and Toys
Tools
I think it might be worthwhile to dedicate my entries to tools. The tools I have and that I utilize that make me a success story in the world of Mental Health and TBI.
I also think I may need to explain the reality of my mental health related and TBI issues but I don't want to devote too much time to that today.
And I still like the idea of using this blog to continue to help me process as I write out some of my experiences, emotions and thinking.
So maybe todays highlighted tool is the tool of writing it out. It can be a very helpful process in sorting thoughts and feelings. When I allow myself to write it out it really helps me see and sort what I am experiencing internally. I can also use it to guide me into a direction. I can let it out and then turn it around. I can write to real and/or imagined audiences. I can be noble or selfish and all shades in between in my aspirations. etc. etc.
Today I met with my accident attorney who also is an old casual friend from junior high and high school. I am grateful to have him as my attorney. He is honest and forthright with me. He tells me the reality of the situation from what he knows on his side of things. He has also been quite patient with me when I was rather lost in alternate realities, when I was suspicious and untrusting of him as well, when I was sure I was going to need to dump him and try to settle things with the insurance company on my own because my whole world was falling apart and I felt I could not trust anyone nor afford them because I was certain I would be entirely alone soon. I am grateful he was patient and understanding as much as he could be when I later realized the errors of my unstable thinking and distrust of him.
Today I got to meet with him in person and we had good conversation. I love good conversation with people. We covered a lot of ground. Some relevant to my case with the car accident, some relevant to the malpractice pursuit and other just-conversation-stuff that wove in and out of relevance to why I was there.
At one point he asked if it is possible that what happened with Dr. He might have been mostly innocent. My friend gave me a bit of the male perspective, explaining how stupid men can be when they are ... not sure how to word this, I supposed sexually driven is the most direct route; but attracted and other words were closer to what he used. He wonders if it was a more innocent flirting kind of situation and that maybe, deep down, Mr. He hoped would go somewhere physical.
Here is where psychology gets funny, stupid and interesting.
I find myself testing this friend with words like, "do you really think I hold that much power?" "Do you really think I am that special? And that I am the only one?" and "Do you really think I am capable of breaking a neuropsychologist to that level?"
Intellectually we all know better than to believe this if we break down the reality of the situation and look at the level of his power position over me.
Yet men will suggest to me that I hold this kind of power.
Which, I have to admit, is really flattering. Especially coming from a ...hmm gotta think of a name for attorney friend... He is attractive, extremely intelligent and was always well known and well liked... And I can't seem to think of an appropriate name so I guess Attorney Friend will have to do.
... so; Especially coming form an Attorney Friend.
SO, naturally, (or not) I later found myself questioning my motives a bit. Was I fishing for the compliments? Was I fishing for his comment about how some women really do underestimate their appeal?
Maybe a little I was. I think if I am being completely honest I am certain that came into a subconscious play. But I was also truth seeking. Am I more than I think to men? I have come to accept that, at times, I probably am.
And it is tempting to believe that maybe it was that way with Dear Perri Cherie. That maybe it was pretty innocent and I really am all that and a bag of chips. I want that to be the truth.
but
but
But
Those are the motives I really have to question; My motives in believing that. First why would I want to believe that and second how does it benefit me in believing that?
1. It is flattering and fun to believe that about oneself.
2. I want to believe in the good in others and I want more than anything to believe that Mr. Cherie is all that I felt and believed he was.
3. I loved him and maybe if that is true there is still a chance that things can be worked out for the best for everyone... Maybe I really can get resolution there and with the Neuroscience Institute. Maybe I really could help them and they me. Maybe, if I try again, in a different form, they will listen this time...
and already do you see the slippery slope this kind of thinking and flattery absorption can start heading me down?
So what is the benefit in me believing that?
Believing this maybe can get me out of the burden of conscience that tells me I have to report him.
Other than that, in all reality, I don't think there are any other benefits to thinking that way.
However there are a whole lot of problems that come with thinking that way, especially considering the intensity of my feelings and perceptions and my trust and faith in him (and his institution).
So, though it may be tempting to allow myself to be so flattered, I do not think that is a good rabbit hole to head down.
So I counter with the facts and what I know from personal experience and research. And I find it is important to remember that he has shown time and time again, that he does not care, that it was not as I perceived it to be and that he will do anything, no matter the expense to me, to protect himself from the mistakes HE made with me (even though I was never a threat).
In reality I know I was simply a toy for him. When I broke from his games, he was scared and he did not care about what happened to me. He also knew, a bit too well, how to cover and hide his mistakes. The Institution he works for did not heed any red flags on my behalf. They did not listen to the symptoms I was manifesting, they jumped on the denial and trying to pass me off to others without a clear picture of exactly what they were passing off for and why. It was all a cover up. They made me out to be things I was not and he used everything he could against me.
In reality, even if it was something so flattering, I was the one who was absolutely blamed, shamed and stigmatized by the people who had absolute power over me and my records. They have the power to check whatever boxes they wanted. They have the power to make it difficult to figure anything out at all and they did, even when it broke me more and was literally burning me out and down.
That is not so flattering.
And in reality I know that we are never the only one.
So as much as I would love to believe that this man "innocently" fell for me, I know that is not the truth or the whole picture.
and
And
AND
People need to understand that psychologist are trained to know better and behave better. Even if it was innocent, it was not at all appropriate for the fault, burdens, and consequences of his irresponsibility to fall so heavily on me and me alone. He knows better. He knows better in a lot of ways. He knows he screwed me up and if he really truly does not, then he really truly is incompetent and maybe should to be removed for his position.
Attorney Friend and I talk about some of these points, though not all, and Attorney Friend recognizes the level differences in his position of power over me. We were not on a level playing field and even if, at one point/moment, we were, Dear Perri worked hard to imbalance that power again to his favor. Thus it became, not simply misunderstanding or innocent mistakes but an abuse of power.
Even my husband, who knows I am not a willing victim, has pointed out that it was not just simple misconduct or malpractice but it was abuse. Abuse of power and authority over another. Abuse of affections. And maybe even utilizing flattery to manipulate.
I wish I could believe the flattery but that only proves to hurt me and others.
I do wonder though, if maybe he can't let go of the flattery I was to him and his ego; the flattery of believing I was simply obsessed with him. Whatever it is, it has not been at all fair to me and that is not what people do to people they genuinely care about. That is not how honest or innocent doctors treat patients that they care about.
I was a toy.
That did not play the way he wanted me to.
That is all.
and I am processed out.
.
Tools in my belt:
Thinking things through
Being realistic
Ability to forgive
Ability to speak and listen with an open heart and an open mind
Honesty with myself
Balancing the flattery and criticism
Gratitude
Standing up and speaking out when necessary.
and patient Attorney Friends who take the time to be a friend when they can.
I think it might be worthwhile to dedicate my entries to tools. The tools I have and that I utilize that make me a success story in the world of Mental Health and TBI.
I also think I may need to explain the reality of my mental health related and TBI issues but I don't want to devote too much time to that today.
And I still like the idea of using this blog to continue to help me process as I write out some of my experiences, emotions and thinking.
So maybe todays highlighted tool is the tool of writing it out. It can be a very helpful process in sorting thoughts and feelings. When I allow myself to write it out it really helps me see and sort what I am experiencing internally. I can also use it to guide me into a direction. I can let it out and then turn it around. I can write to real and/or imagined audiences. I can be noble or selfish and all shades in between in my aspirations. etc. etc.
Today I met with my accident attorney who also is an old casual friend from junior high and high school. I am grateful to have him as my attorney. He is honest and forthright with me. He tells me the reality of the situation from what he knows on his side of things. He has also been quite patient with me when I was rather lost in alternate realities, when I was suspicious and untrusting of him as well, when I was sure I was going to need to dump him and try to settle things with the insurance company on my own because my whole world was falling apart and I felt I could not trust anyone nor afford them because I was certain I would be entirely alone soon. I am grateful he was patient and understanding as much as he could be when I later realized the errors of my unstable thinking and distrust of him.
Today I got to meet with him in person and we had good conversation. I love good conversation with people. We covered a lot of ground. Some relevant to my case with the car accident, some relevant to the malpractice pursuit and other just-conversation-stuff that wove in and out of relevance to why I was there.
At one point he asked if it is possible that what happened with Dr. He might have been mostly innocent. My friend gave me a bit of the male perspective, explaining how stupid men can be when they are ... not sure how to word this, I supposed sexually driven is the most direct route; but attracted and other words were closer to what he used. He wonders if it was a more innocent flirting kind of situation and that maybe, deep down, Mr. He hoped would go somewhere physical.
Here is where psychology gets funny, stupid and interesting.
I find myself testing this friend with words like, "do you really think I hold that much power?" "Do you really think I am that special? And that I am the only one?" and "Do you really think I am capable of breaking a neuropsychologist to that level?"
Intellectually we all know better than to believe this if we break down the reality of the situation and look at the level of his power position over me.
Yet men will suggest to me that I hold this kind of power.
Which, I have to admit, is really flattering. Especially coming from a ...hmm gotta think of a name for attorney friend... He is attractive, extremely intelligent and was always well known and well liked... And I can't seem to think of an appropriate name so I guess Attorney Friend will have to do.
... so; Especially coming form an Attorney Friend.
SO, naturally, (or not) I later found myself questioning my motives a bit. Was I fishing for the compliments? Was I fishing for his comment about how some women really do underestimate their appeal?
Maybe a little I was. I think if I am being completely honest I am certain that came into a subconscious play. But I was also truth seeking. Am I more than I think to men? I have come to accept that, at times, I probably am.
And it is tempting to believe that maybe it was that way with Dear Perri Cherie. That maybe it was pretty innocent and I really am all that and a bag of chips. I want that to be the truth.
but
but
But
Those are the motives I really have to question; My motives in believing that. First why would I want to believe that and second how does it benefit me in believing that?
1. It is flattering and fun to believe that about oneself.
2. I want to believe in the good in others and I want more than anything to believe that Mr. Cherie is all that I felt and believed he was.
3. I loved him and maybe if that is true there is still a chance that things can be worked out for the best for everyone... Maybe I really can get resolution there and with the Neuroscience Institute. Maybe I really could help them and they me. Maybe, if I try again, in a different form, they will listen this time...
and already do you see the slippery slope this kind of thinking and flattery absorption can start heading me down?
So what is the benefit in me believing that?
Believing this maybe can get me out of the burden of conscience that tells me I have to report him.
Other than that, in all reality, I don't think there are any other benefits to thinking that way.
However there are a whole lot of problems that come with thinking that way, especially considering the intensity of my feelings and perceptions and my trust and faith in him (and his institution).
So, though it may be tempting to allow myself to be so flattered, I do not think that is a good rabbit hole to head down.
So I counter with the facts and what I know from personal experience and research. And I find it is important to remember that he has shown time and time again, that he does not care, that it was not as I perceived it to be and that he will do anything, no matter the expense to me, to protect himself from the mistakes HE made with me (even though I was never a threat).
In reality I know I was simply a toy for him. When I broke from his games, he was scared and he did not care about what happened to me. He also knew, a bit too well, how to cover and hide his mistakes. The Institution he works for did not heed any red flags on my behalf. They did not listen to the symptoms I was manifesting, they jumped on the denial and trying to pass me off to others without a clear picture of exactly what they were passing off for and why. It was all a cover up. They made me out to be things I was not and he used everything he could against me.
In reality, even if it was something so flattering, I was the one who was absolutely blamed, shamed and stigmatized by the people who had absolute power over me and my records. They have the power to check whatever boxes they wanted. They have the power to make it difficult to figure anything out at all and they did, even when it broke me more and was literally burning me out and down.
That is not so flattering.
And in reality I know that we are never the only one.
So as much as I would love to believe that this man "innocently" fell for me, I know that is not the truth or the whole picture.
and
And
AND
People need to understand that psychologist are trained to know better and behave better. Even if it was innocent, it was not at all appropriate for the fault, burdens, and consequences of his irresponsibility to fall so heavily on me and me alone. He knows better. He knows better in a lot of ways. He knows he screwed me up and if he really truly does not, then he really truly is incompetent and maybe should to be removed for his position.
Attorney Friend and I talk about some of these points, though not all, and Attorney Friend recognizes the level differences in his position of power over me. We were not on a level playing field and even if, at one point/moment, we were, Dear Perri worked hard to imbalance that power again to his favor. Thus it became, not simply misunderstanding or innocent mistakes but an abuse of power.
Even my husband, who knows I am not a willing victim, has pointed out that it was not just simple misconduct or malpractice but it was abuse. Abuse of power and authority over another. Abuse of affections. And maybe even utilizing flattery to manipulate.
I wish I could believe the flattery but that only proves to hurt me and others.
I do wonder though, if maybe he can't let go of the flattery I was to him and his ego; the flattery of believing I was simply obsessed with him. Whatever it is, it has not been at all fair to me and that is not what people do to people they genuinely care about. That is not how honest or innocent doctors treat patients that they care about.
I was a toy.
That did not play the way he wanted me to.
That is all.
and I am processed out.
.
Tools in my belt:
Thinking things through
Being realistic
Ability to forgive
Ability to speak and listen with an open heart and an open mind
Honesty with myself
Balancing the flattery and criticism
Gratitude
Standing up and speaking out when necessary.
and patient Attorney Friends who take the time to be a friend when they can.
Monday, July 6, 2020
Sorrow and Passion
Life is so full of disappointments. You think you have chosen correctly. You think you are doing the right thing for yourself or your family only to have circumstances, completely beyond your control, stop your plans dead in their tracks.
Yesterday, while driving with my family, I noticed a Juniper looking tree that was perfectly tear drop shaped on one side while the other sides branches broke the perfect symmetry by jutting out just below the neck of the tear drop where the plump body begins to curve. Those branches took a shape more similar to fire than to water.
I thought it curious and I wanted to paint a shape like that.
Today, as I pondered our families most recent disappointment and heart break, I thought it might be a good time to allow myself to paint that shape.
This is one of my very few, somewhat intentional paintings. It is meant to be pondered.
I don’t claim talent or skill at painting, but I do believe it to be a healthy outlet and one of the more luxurious tools I am very fortunate and grateful to have in my tool belt. And I’m immensely grateful for my sister-in-law who introduced me to this tool and taught me how to utilize it in beneficial ways. 💕
Yesterday, while driving with my family, I noticed a Juniper looking tree that was perfectly tear drop shaped on one side while the other sides branches broke the perfect symmetry by jutting out just below the neck of the tear drop where the plump body begins to curve. Those branches took a shape more similar to fire than to water.
I thought it curious and I wanted to paint a shape like that.
Today, as I pondered our families most recent disappointment and heart break, I thought it might be a good time to allow myself to paint that shape.
This is one of my very few, somewhat intentional paintings. It is meant to be pondered.
Friday, July 3, 2020
A Success Story
Sometimes I have so much in my head I can't get any one thing done. Right now is like that but FORTUNATELY it is not the racing manic variety. Right now it is a matter of where to start and how to accomplish those things I feel are my life's purpose.
It is trying to keep straight all that I need to get back to, all that I need to start, and all that I have to do regularly everyday.
I have a lot to sort and make decisions about.
I need to prioritize and maybe even let go of some of my dreams and previous goals.
And sometimes that can be a bit overwhelming
especially for a brain that is inclined to be deficient in "executive functioning"
and that has lower cognitive stamina
but a whole lot of good ideas, hope, and passion etc.
blah blah blah...
So ramble, I will, because this free flow format is often more productive for me than my structured plans.
Dr. She
I like her.
Sometimes I am not sure if I can really trust her, but I keep choosing to anyway and that still seems to be most effective. Monday we covered a lot. I told her how I felt a bit betrayed by some of the wording in her neuropsychological evaluation of me. I told her how I felt a little betrayed by how she responded to the idea of me going back to school that day. I told her how I decided to handle and work through these issues in my mind. I told her how it is possible because medication is working and because I am not the negative stereotypes reported in the whatever test that has the negative wording. I told her how I realized some of my feelings of betrayal were exactly what she warned me about in regards to the wording of that one test report. We had some very good conversation. There were moments where I think she was a little nervous and concerned that I was misinterpreting her and her intentions. Their were moments I was worried she would misinterpret me and my intentions. But you know what? We worked through it.
Ahhh and big sigh of extra satisfied relief.
Now on to this idea of going back to get a masters or, preferably, a PHD in the field of psychology:
Dr. She has said so many things that have encouraged me and I was under the impression that she really liked this idea and even thought I could really make a difference, have an impact. This is why I felt a bit betrayed when she put so much emphasis on how hard it would be for me because of my deficits. It stung a bit. I had to make a choice.
My choice to trust her suggested to me the idea that maybe she just wanted to make sure I understood the reality.
She confirmed this in our conversation on Monday. She does not want me to go into it blind or with unrealistic expectations of myself because she fears how that might effect me. I am glad. And I am glad that her doubt was expressed because it also lit a bit of a fire as my internal dialogue boldly demanded, "well what the hell else am I going to do?"
You see, no matter what I do it is going to wear me out. That is the reality of my new norm. Any full time job is pretty unrealistic if I care to have any emotional stability or energy left for anything else. So I might as well do something I am passionate about, have a lot of experience with and knowledge about, and that I want to do.
I explained to Dr. She what I know and how I feel I will need to play to my strengths of experience. I reassured her that if that does not work then I don't want to be in the industry anyway.
She liked this idea of me utilizing and playing to my strength of experience and said something about how the industry loves a success story...
... and that there is what makes me smile
even tear up a little.
because
I AM a success story.
I have succeeded at managing and/or overcoming TBI, suicidal drives, depression, anxiety, a whole lot of negative thinking patterns, hypomania, PTSD, and mania -to name a few. None of those are small feats but the last, mania, that's an especially big deal that I am pretty proud of. Especially considering the context, circumstances and opposition I had.
And the suicidal stuff, I am pretty proud of that too because I have overcome and beat a significant many forms of that creature. Some very powerful.
And I am happy. I am grateful. I have a beautiful life, a sense of meaning, purpose, satisfaction and self.
So I am a success story!
I could end there, and maybe I should because the next point I would like to make merits its own venue and series,
but I will not end there because this next point is so important to my success I feel it should never be left out.
Over the last few days I have reflected on why and how I am a success story and I have come to find that I love my success story and how truly beautiful it is because it is not just me and my story;
My success story is a tapestry of so many people and influences.
I am only a success because of the help I have had from others.
Even when I was so very alone, I was not without assistance and I was not completely alone. I could have easily continued down the progressive path of isolation. I could have easily become absolutely alone, but I did not. Instead I continued to choose to let people in and to trust even when I knew I could not. I continued to fight to recognize the positives I had from other people past and present. As safe guarded as I was, and needed to be, I continued to reach out and I continued to try to connect with other people in positive ways. And fortunately enough people responded with enough positive regard. Fortunately I had built enough of a foundation of positive personal development with the help of others. Fortunately I had chosen to let into my mind and heart enough influence from professionals and people from so many walks of life that when I was at rock bottom I did have a solid foundation to build on, even if in that moment I really was completely alone.
There really is no such thing as an entirely self-made man.
Success is impossible to achieve entirely alone -unless being entirely alone and entirely self sufficient is a persons definition of success.
Ultimately we ARE all in this together and we need other people.
Ultimately my success is your success and that is exactly why I am a success story.
And what a truly beautiful story we are.
💕
It is trying to keep straight all that I need to get back to, all that I need to start, and all that I have to do regularly everyday.
I have a lot to sort and make decisions about.
I need to prioritize and maybe even let go of some of my dreams and previous goals.
And sometimes that can be a bit overwhelming
especially for a brain that is inclined to be deficient in "executive functioning"
and that has lower cognitive stamina
but a whole lot of good ideas, hope, and passion etc.
blah blah blah...
So ramble, I will, because this free flow format is often more productive for me than my structured plans.
Dr. She
I like her.
Sometimes I am not sure if I can really trust her, but I keep choosing to anyway and that still seems to be most effective. Monday we covered a lot. I told her how I felt a bit betrayed by some of the wording in her neuropsychological evaluation of me. I told her how I felt a little betrayed by how she responded to the idea of me going back to school that day. I told her how I decided to handle and work through these issues in my mind. I told her how it is possible because medication is working and because I am not the negative stereotypes reported in the whatever test that has the negative wording. I told her how I realized some of my feelings of betrayal were exactly what she warned me about in regards to the wording of that one test report. We had some very good conversation. There were moments where I think she was a little nervous and concerned that I was misinterpreting her and her intentions. Their were moments I was worried she would misinterpret me and my intentions. But you know what? We worked through it.
Ahhh and big sigh of extra satisfied relief.
Now on to this idea of going back to get a masters or, preferably, a PHD in the field of psychology:
Dr. She has said so many things that have encouraged me and I was under the impression that she really liked this idea and even thought I could really make a difference, have an impact. This is why I felt a bit betrayed when she put so much emphasis on how hard it would be for me because of my deficits. It stung a bit. I had to make a choice.
My choice to trust her suggested to me the idea that maybe she just wanted to make sure I understood the reality.
She confirmed this in our conversation on Monday. She does not want me to go into it blind or with unrealistic expectations of myself because she fears how that might effect me. I am glad. And I am glad that her doubt was expressed because it also lit a bit of a fire as my internal dialogue boldly demanded, "well what the hell else am I going to do?"
You see, no matter what I do it is going to wear me out. That is the reality of my new norm. Any full time job is pretty unrealistic if I care to have any emotional stability or energy left for anything else. So I might as well do something I am passionate about, have a lot of experience with and knowledge about, and that I want to do.
I explained to Dr. She what I know and how I feel I will need to play to my strengths of experience. I reassured her that if that does not work then I don't want to be in the industry anyway.
She liked this idea of me utilizing and playing to my strength of experience and said something about how the industry loves a success story...
... and that there is what makes me smile
even tear up a little.
because
I AM a success story.
I have succeeded at managing and/or overcoming TBI, suicidal drives, depression, anxiety, a whole lot of negative thinking patterns, hypomania, PTSD, and mania -to name a few. None of those are small feats but the last, mania, that's an especially big deal that I am pretty proud of. Especially considering the context, circumstances and opposition I had.
And the suicidal stuff, I am pretty proud of that too because I have overcome and beat a significant many forms of that creature. Some very powerful.
And I am happy. I am grateful. I have a beautiful life, a sense of meaning, purpose, satisfaction and self.
So I am a success story!
I could end there, and maybe I should because the next point I would like to make merits its own venue and series,
but I will not end there because this next point is so important to my success I feel it should never be left out.
Over the last few days I have reflected on why and how I am a success story and I have come to find that I love my success story and how truly beautiful it is because it is not just me and my story;
My success story is a tapestry of so many people and influences.
I am only a success because of the help I have had from others.
Even when I was so very alone, I was not without assistance and I was not completely alone. I could have easily continued down the progressive path of isolation. I could have easily become absolutely alone, but I did not. Instead I continued to choose to let people in and to trust even when I knew I could not. I continued to fight to recognize the positives I had from other people past and present. As safe guarded as I was, and needed to be, I continued to reach out and I continued to try to connect with other people in positive ways. And fortunately enough people responded with enough positive regard. Fortunately I had built enough of a foundation of positive personal development with the help of others. Fortunately I had chosen to let into my mind and heart enough influence from professionals and people from so many walks of life that when I was at rock bottom I did have a solid foundation to build on, even if in that moment I really was completely alone.
There really is no such thing as an entirely self-made man.
Success is impossible to achieve entirely alone -unless being entirely alone and entirely self sufficient is a persons definition of success.
Ultimately we ARE all in this together and we need other people.
Ultimately my success is your success and that is exactly why I am a success story.
And what a truly beautiful story we are.
💕
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