I just have to say that sometimes I tend to avoid reading stuff about Mental illnesses, Mood Disorders, or what ever it may be called because I think it is so damn depressing. And I think "damn" is the right word there because there is often that undertone as well.
Sometimes I think I need to read more, but when I try to I feel completely discouraged or devoid of hope. Personally I think that is so totally lame. I read crap about depression an it is exactly that; depressing. I read crap about mental health issues and it is either all in your attitude or you are a completely helpless and mindless victim who I've seen put in the same categories as animals. I have read research that I know is easily ignorantly translated as "avoid anyone who is trying to live responsible with there mental disorder," rather go for the person who has yet to face these issues but in reality are possibly more likely to be problematic because they might have the same problems or worse but have not been allowed or willing to face them in a healthy and supportive way.
I get a bit fired up at the extreme views and the lack of a moderate middle ground. Yes, there are many that are "worse" than I but under the circumstances is it any wonder that people like my brother die by a fate of their own making, it's so freaking hopeless and taboo. Of all the gross and disgusting topics I hear discussed (even viewed) and offensive terms just casually tossed about that really probably should be taboo, why are mental illness's and disorders so taboo? I mean really people.
My brother-in-law, not the one who wrote the books but a different one, is a lost little soul in many peoples eyes but I don't think he is so much as people don't want to accept that he is fine living a life that they themselves are not fine with.
I hate that so much is an all or nothing approach, medicate or don't. Therapy or none. Mental or not. It's not that cut and dry and just because I occasionally benefit from an antidepressant does not make me less of a person. It also does not mean that I am helpless. Even in the misery of it all I am not a depressed person (OK, yes I am, but that is not who I am).
I have anxiety issue's, I struggle with depression, I have problems with obsessive thinking. I have low energy at times, I have trouble sleeping at times, I have panic attacks at time, I have racing thoughts MOST of the time. I have trouble focusing. Sometimes I eat too much and sometimes I don't eat enough. I am waaay too effected by waaay too many things. I have highs and ups that, though they can be fun, are idiotic even troublesome at times. Sometimes I wish to just be done with life and sometimes I think of ways to bring that about. Sometimes a lot. Sometimes I know that I have super powers, and even when I am "normal" I sometimes secretly know that it's not really crazy but rather just impossible to maintain (the super powers). I have multiple personalities that sometimes don't get along very well. I have excessive guilt. I have social anxiety. Sometimes I even think I need medication because I really can't "just deal with it" or "get over it."
I have issues. Yes, but so what.
Fortunately for me sometimes they can be fun. I think that is who I am, mostly because that is who I want to be more then it is the way that I tend to be most of the time.
No, I don't understand people who are always depressed and down, but does all the literature on depression have to be so dang hopeless? Maybe I'm just a fighter or maybe I am different or maybe I just don't want to give up hope and I don't think I ever will. I am sorry if that bothers people but I'd like to see a paradigm shift here. This may sound silly but depression doesn't have to be so depressing just like a fashionable and sensitive man doesn't have to be gay and just like a person with a bipolar or schizophrenic disorder/ illness doesn't have to take orders from their alter-egos and/or moods.
That is my statement for the day and I hope that you will have a good one.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Letting go of Spiritual Highs
So this is my blog entry that I have felt "inspired" to post but will leave some thinking "OK, she's really nuts" while others might relate so well they will feel relived to have some one say it.
One thing that I seem to "give up" in favor of medication are "spiritual highs" and I have my own theory about this (and a lot of things). In my world of mood swings and ups and downs I often will experience some pretty profound and enlightened ups. They are amazing and I am always grateful for them, but I have to admit they are the writings (if I happen to write while I'm in that up) that I am most embarrassed of when I'm out of that up. I will also acknowledge that these ups are usually followed by an equally low down -heavenly highs and hellish lows.
I had gotten pretty good at recognizing the patterns and was pretty good at rolling with the punches, but it is exhausting and as my current psychiatrist pointed out "we sometimes think we are doing better then we are" and as the wise grasshopper pointed out "it's not all about you." It was not a maintainable cycle for me I was literally loosing my mind. But back to the "spiritual highs"
I was sitting in church, yes church, missing those "moving feelings" when I felt the need to write (though church and church related material is not necessarily where I would experiences these highs, rather church has actually been more of a constant for me) and this is what I wrote:
"We are not here to have a spiritual experience, we are here to have a mortal experience. Or spiritual experiences are to enhance, assist, remind us, of our mortality.
But all-in-all I don't believe this is meant to be a spiritual life but a mortal life (don't get me wrong, you can be a spiritual person and that is good, but we are spiritual mortals not mortalual spirits, yes, that is a made up word but you get my point and humor, I hope).
When our life becomes overly spiritual, in our mortal state, then in our imperfection and in our mortality we are subject to both/all side of the spiritual realm and the depths of them, which cannot be constantly and consistently maintained in our currant state. It is too much for our little bodies to handle. (again let me emphasise "when we become OVERLY spiritual")
To be alive in this world one must be somewhat dead/asleep/absent of the other (not dead in a dead sense, more like plants in winter are "dead"). One day it will all make sense but now is not the time or the place. But rather to live a mortal life and do the best you can with that.
We are meant to have joy, love and FAITH here so enjoy your 'ignorant' adventure!"
That is my "at church" writing on that. I'd like to add that it is my belief that this life is a lot about learning balance and learning team work as well as Independence. If I were a sci-fi writer I might explain it like this: If you are one who experiences those spiritual highs it is possible that you have found a sort of gateway into another realm but it is a realm that our mortal bodies are not adapt to handle efficiently at this point in the human race.
There you go! No, I am not crazy!!!
One thing that I seem to "give up" in favor of medication are "spiritual highs" and I have my own theory about this (and a lot of things). In my world of mood swings and ups and downs I often will experience some pretty profound and enlightened ups. They are amazing and I am always grateful for them, but I have to admit they are the writings (if I happen to write while I'm in that up) that I am most embarrassed of when I'm out of that up. I will also acknowledge that these ups are usually followed by an equally low down -heavenly highs and hellish lows.
I had gotten pretty good at recognizing the patterns and was pretty good at rolling with the punches, but it is exhausting and as my current psychiatrist pointed out "we sometimes think we are doing better then we are" and as the wise grasshopper pointed out "it's not all about you." It was not a maintainable cycle for me I was literally loosing my mind. But back to the "spiritual highs"
I was sitting in church, yes church, missing those "moving feelings" when I felt the need to write (though church and church related material is not necessarily where I would experiences these highs, rather church has actually been more of a constant for me) and this is what I wrote:
"We are not here to have a spiritual experience, we are here to have a mortal experience. Or spiritual experiences are to enhance, assist, remind us, of our mortality.
But all-in-all I don't believe this is meant to be a spiritual life but a mortal life (don't get me wrong, you can be a spiritual person and that is good, but we are spiritual mortals not mortalual spirits, yes, that is a made up word but you get my point and humor, I hope).
When our life becomes overly spiritual, in our mortal state, then in our imperfection and in our mortality we are subject to both/all side of the spiritual realm and the depths of them, which cannot be constantly and consistently maintained in our currant state. It is too much for our little bodies to handle. (again let me emphasise "when we become OVERLY spiritual")
To be alive in this world one must be somewhat dead/asleep/absent of the other (not dead in a dead sense, more like plants in winter are "dead"). One day it will all make sense but now is not the time or the place. But rather to live a mortal life and do the best you can with that.
We are meant to have joy, love and FAITH here so enjoy your 'ignorant' adventure!"
That is my "at church" writing on that. I'd like to add that it is my belief that this life is a lot about learning balance and learning team work as well as Independence. If I were a sci-fi writer I might explain it like this: If you are one who experiences those spiritual highs it is possible that you have found a sort of gateway into another realm but it is a realm that our mortal bodies are not adapt to handle efficiently at this point in the human race.
There you go! No, I am not crazy!!!
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
MY BROTHER-IN-LAW
I wrote this entry but wanted to get permission from my brother-in-law before I made it public information. He not only gave me permission but also a link to his original book, I was very glad he did. I will explain why at the end of this post.
MY BROTHER-IN-LAW
When I got back from Florida my brother-in-law made an effort to talk to me. He even put himself out there by sharing some of his personal and seemingly embarrassing stories about his break down. I was entertained by his stories and appreciated his effort but I think I also made it painfully clear that “I was not like him.” I was not especially open to thinking that I may have been “mentally ill,” or potentially more so. My story was nothing like his. Though I knew that my little incident with the police officer was a God-send I also knew that the police officer really had over-reacted. I just had a touch of depression that I would get over and no longer need medication for ever again, and that was that. End of story.
Years later, years after I had successfully been weaned off of anti-depressants and ignorantly started to mentally turn south (so to speak), I read his story. It was then that I realized I really was more like him then I’d previously thought. I had, fortunately, just not progressed to as extreme a point. However, I could easily look at myself and realize that there were far too many times where I was on “the verge.” My mind seemed to work an awful lot like his and I could easily see myself in his shoes if a few of my scenario’s had been just a touch different or farther from home, culturally and physically. I felt extremely guilty for having been so judgmental and ignorant so many years ago, for what I was now certain would have contributed to a sense of isolation that I was sure he must have felt over the years.
I have come to realize not only how right my brother-in-law was, but also how brave and admirable he was for being willing to talk about it and exposing his own personal “flaw” for my sake. I have come to admire him tremendously for his effort to do the best HE can despite his illness. I have come to realize that there is not much of a line that separates the “insane” from the “sane.” In fact it is very possible that a mentally ill person who accepts it, deals with it, and makes the appropriate effort to live a mentally responsible life is likely much more sane then the multitude of masses who think they are above it, who think that they don’t relate, or who live oblivious and ignorantly in their superficial realities.
I am hyper-sensitive to many things, it has the ability to drive me nuts, but by acknowledging my intensities and sensitivities I can live responsibly and very well. Are you the same?
So that is the end and now I will explain about my bro-in-laws book that you can obtain a copy of through this link: http://www.bearcanyonpress.com/ .
The book that I referred to was the original unpublished version of "Enduring Well" (I was actually unaware of the "Into My Manic Mind" but I am excited to read it). I am not sure if some of what was in his original version is in the "Enduring Well" or "My Manic Mind" so honestly I'd say get both. The thing is when I read his book it gave me new awareness of how close I had potentially come to "insanity" and how to recognize some common early signs of danger. The descriptions of the break downs, that the publisher said were to "graphic" or a bit too much for the average reader, were exactly what I needed to help me be more aware of my own mental state. Ironically, in reference to the book that the Publisher published to be a self-help book, I have heard people say that it was a bit much for them and they had a hard time reading it because he was so much more extreme then they were. I realized instantly that it was because the publisher left out the background story and early symptoms, much of the detail that the publisher was afraid would be too much.
I remember Andy decided to self publish the original book because he felt it had a place and that his story could potentially help people. I would like to again say thank you to Andy because his willingness to share his "crazy life" has helped me from unknowingly getting too close to that breaking point myself.
And with that I wish you well and I hope that you enjoy the mental world that so many are more a part of than they realize.
MY BROTHER-IN-LAW
When I got back from Florida my brother-in-law made an effort to talk to me. He even put himself out there by sharing some of his personal and seemingly embarrassing stories about his break down. I was entertained by his stories and appreciated his effort but I think I also made it painfully clear that “I was not like him.” I was not especially open to thinking that I may have been “mentally ill,” or potentially more so. My story was nothing like his. Though I knew that my little incident with the police officer was a God-send I also knew that the police officer really had over-reacted. I just had a touch of depression that I would get over and no longer need medication for ever again, and that was that. End of story.
Years later, years after I had successfully been weaned off of anti-depressants and ignorantly started to mentally turn south (so to speak), I read his story. It was then that I realized I really was more like him then I’d previously thought. I had, fortunately, just not progressed to as extreme a point. However, I could easily look at myself and realize that there were far too many times where I was on “the verge.” My mind seemed to work an awful lot like his and I could easily see myself in his shoes if a few of my scenario’s had been just a touch different or farther from home, culturally and physically. I felt extremely guilty for having been so judgmental and ignorant so many years ago, for what I was now certain would have contributed to a sense of isolation that I was sure he must have felt over the years.
I have come to realize not only how right my brother-in-law was, but also how brave and admirable he was for being willing to talk about it and exposing his own personal “flaw” for my sake. I have come to admire him tremendously for his effort to do the best HE can despite his illness. I have come to realize that there is not much of a line that separates the “insane” from the “sane.” In fact it is very possible that a mentally ill person who accepts it, deals with it, and makes the appropriate effort to live a mentally responsible life is likely much more sane then the multitude of masses who think they are above it, who think that they don’t relate, or who live oblivious and ignorantly in their superficial realities.
I am hyper-sensitive to many things, it has the ability to drive me nuts, but by acknowledging my intensities and sensitivities I can live responsibly and very well. Are you the same?
So that is the end and now I will explain about my bro-in-laws book that you can obtain a copy of through this link: http://www.bearcanyonpress.com/ .
The book that I referred to was the original unpublished version of "Enduring Well" (I was actually unaware of the "Into My Manic Mind" but I am excited to read it). I am not sure if some of what was in his original version is in the "Enduring Well" or "My Manic Mind" so honestly I'd say get both. The thing is when I read his book it gave me new awareness of how close I had potentially come to "insanity" and how to recognize some common early signs of danger. The descriptions of the break downs, that the publisher said were to "graphic" or a bit too much for the average reader, were exactly what I needed to help me be more aware of my own mental state. Ironically, in reference to the book that the Publisher published to be a self-help book, I have heard people say that it was a bit much for them and they had a hard time reading it because he was so much more extreme then they were. I realized instantly that it was because the publisher left out the background story and early symptoms, much of the detail that the publisher was afraid would be too much.
I remember Andy decided to self publish the original book because he felt it had a place and that his story could potentially help people. I would like to again say thank you to Andy because his willingness to share his "crazy life" has helped me from unknowingly getting too close to that breaking point myself.
And with that I wish you well and I hope that you enjoy the mental world that so many are more a part of than they realize.
Monday, March 30, 2009
An Good Ornery Day for a new Butterfly
So today was a rather ornery day, I have to admit. I was short with my kids, a bit tired and cranky. I fell back into those nasty old habits of a short temper and a bit of immaturity. I have two things to share about that.
The easiest one to explain is that though today I was not the person I wish to be, I have at least been able to get through it easily as just an ornery day and not the end of the world. I somehow have been able to forgive myself and look forward to a good nights sleep and another day. I didn't even cry about it. That may sound really stupid but it's something that typically happens when I have an ornery day. That and my mind somehow turns me into the most pathetic pile of pooh on the face of this planet that really ought to be disposed of. The "dark" was kept at bay.
The second thing today made me want to mention was a recent meeting with my counselor. I was needing his very patient and positive reassurance and reminders of all the things that we have worked on because, first I felt a bit worried that in my new (well, new again) state I might be tempted to leave some loved ones behind, so-to-say. As well I had realized that though my "chemistry" had changed some of my bad habits that I think I assumed would disappear had not. That was interesting to me but not terribly discouraging, actually not at all, rather maybe a bit more encouraging because it makes it a bit easier to accept that it is a very physical thing. Anyway (can you tell that I am tired), my counselor gave me a very simple but very profound and excellent analogy. He said when a caterpillar goes through changes in the pupa phase it comes out as a butterfly, but when he first emerges from his cocoon he's going to notice that he no longer has a hundred legs and that is a very real loss. When he tries to get around it will be very different, he may still feel like a caterpillar. He can't even eat the same way or same things anymore. Though he has wings he's never had those before. In fact, previously he had been quite fat and low to the ground. He's going to have to learn how to use his new body, he's going to have to learn how to be a butterfly and he still might have caterpillar days. My counselor did a much better job, I'm sure but I hope you get the point.
I have to learn how to be a butterfly and now that I actually have the wings to be a butterfly I might be able to get off the ground this time. That is how I feel this time around. Last time I took medication it worked wonders but I still had some thinking/cognitive habits that needed to be corrected. That time around I was not real open to that. This time around I have the combination of medication and a better trained mind so I feel encouraged that the results will be very good. I am so very excited about life and the things that I can do. And it is beautiful because it's not an over the top kind of excitement that cannot possibly be maintained.
So I guess I am saying in a very tired, weird and scattered kind of way that it's been a good ornery day!
The easiest one to explain is that though today I was not the person I wish to be, I have at least been able to get through it easily as just an ornery day and not the end of the world. I somehow have been able to forgive myself and look forward to a good nights sleep and another day. I didn't even cry about it. That may sound really stupid but it's something that typically happens when I have an ornery day. That and my mind somehow turns me into the most pathetic pile of pooh on the face of this planet that really ought to be disposed of. The "dark" was kept at bay.
The second thing today made me want to mention was a recent meeting with my counselor. I was needing his very patient and positive reassurance and reminders of all the things that we have worked on because, first I felt a bit worried that in my new (well, new again) state I might be tempted to leave some loved ones behind, so-to-say. As well I had realized that though my "chemistry" had changed some of my bad habits that I think I assumed would disappear had not. That was interesting to me but not terribly discouraging, actually not at all, rather maybe a bit more encouraging because it makes it a bit easier to accept that it is a very physical thing. Anyway (can you tell that I am tired), my counselor gave me a very simple but very profound and excellent analogy. He said when a caterpillar goes through changes in the pupa phase it comes out as a butterfly, but when he first emerges from his cocoon he's going to notice that he no longer has a hundred legs and that is a very real loss. When he tries to get around it will be very different, he may still feel like a caterpillar. He can't even eat the same way or same things anymore. Though he has wings he's never had those before. In fact, previously he had been quite fat and low to the ground. He's going to have to learn how to use his new body, he's going to have to learn how to be a butterfly and he still might have caterpillar days. My counselor did a much better job, I'm sure but I hope you get the point.
I have to learn how to be a butterfly and now that I actually have the wings to be a butterfly I might be able to get off the ground this time. That is how I feel this time around. Last time I took medication it worked wonders but I still had some thinking/cognitive habits that needed to be corrected. That time around I was not real open to that. This time around I have the combination of medication and a better trained mind so I feel encouraged that the results will be very good. I am so very excited about life and the things that I can do. And it is beautiful because it's not an over the top kind of excitement that cannot possibly be maintained.
So I guess I am saying in a very tired, weird and scattered kind of way that it's been a good ornery day!
Saturday, March 28, 2009
A Day With Music
I think it is good to write about "the way I am" while I am freshly starting to experience "the change" with medication, it is easy to quickly forget how dramatically different it was because changes are not always that quick or visible.
Today I am listening to music. I don't usually like "background" noise because it is hard for me to separate myself from it. It is not that I don't enjoy it, it may be the other way around, I enjoy it too much.
You know how it is when you hear a song that really moves you. When I hear a song that I like or enjoy I feel very connected to that song, it is hard to separate my emotional or physical reaction to the song from the song and everyone who might be affiliated with it. In this way I can see how people become obsessed with celebrities, rock stars, artists, etc. It feels so personal so directed at you it is hard to believe that there is not a very real personal, spiritual, psychic or supernatural connection to that specific person. In fact it is that very natural reaction that feeds there success but for me it can be a bit too intense.
So today it is nice to listen to and enjoy some very good and pleasant music without being tempted to believe that this person must know and love me the way that I know and love their music. Thank you Pandora Radio. And thank you prescription medications.
Today I am listening to music. I don't usually like "background" noise because it is hard for me to separate myself from it. It is not that I don't enjoy it, it may be the other way around, I enjoy it too much.
You know how it is when you hear a song that really moves you. When I hear a song that I like or enjoy I feel very connected to that song, it is hard to separate my emotional or physical reaction to the song from the song and everyone who might be affiliated with it. In this way I can see how people become obsessed with celebrities, rock stars, artists, etc. It feels so personal so directed at you it is hard to believe that there is not a very real personal, spiritual, psychic or supernatural connection to that specific person. In fact it is that very natural reaction that feeds there success but for me it can be a bit too intense.
So today it is nice to listen to and enjoy some very good and pleasant music without being tempted to believe that this person must know and love me the way that I know and love their music. Thank you Pandora Radio. And thank you prescription medications.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
My simple definition of mental illness
So over the years I've noticed that it is hard for people to figure out what mental illness really is, what it means and what it looks like (and when I say people I mean mostly myself). The lack of education leaves many people living locked up in fear or allowed to behave in less then acceptable ways. We have become a society where deviance is acceptable as part of our character. We have become a society that feeds mental illness. There are many roots to this problem. And on an individual level we have an easier time accepting that we are a "bad" person or that "this is who I am even though I don't know if I like it," then we do accepting that we might be "mentally ill."
I think that mental illness looks very different then people realize this. It is possible that it is communicable. It is possible that there are varying degrees that can be treated quiet effectively with various different methods. It is possible that they may be prevented. It is possible that not all can be prevented but most can be managed. It is possible that mild problems can turn into something much worse if not properly cared for. In fact depression has been called the common cold of mental illness, it is my opinion that maybe we should consider it more like a common cold then we currently do. A cold effects every one at some time in their life. Most get over it with little added effort but it usually requires some effort, like extra vitamin's, extra water, extra sleep etc. Sometimes a cold turns into something worse but, generally speaking, we usually don't condemn that person. A cold is easily spread and we are more likely to catch it if we already have a weakened immune system. A cold can often be avoided but not always and not always easily. There are worse things then a cold even if it does move down into our lungs. I think it might be worthwhile to consider depression like this.
I'd also like to explain what I feel mental illness looks like. We all have experienced different chemical reactions within our own bodies. Some are easier to recognize then others. Some are more noticeable and easily recognizable while others are so regular and natural that we don't even notice them. I'll give some examples: The way our body uses and digests food, we don't really notice when we eat regularly the chemistry that is going on all the time but when we miss a few to many meals we sure can feel it. When we are "aroused" we can definitely feel something change in our bodies. If you have ever been excited, like a kid on Christmas, you can feel the endorphins or adrenaline or whatever it is. If you have ever run a race and you get to the final stretch, even though you feel like you have given it your all, when you see the finish line the adrenaline kicks in and you somehow can run faster, even sprint. When you are nervous or suddenly surprised. These are all chemical reaction that you can feel. They are very normal and useful, however it is also a very delicate balance and can easily be knocked out of whack. Imagination can change them, external stimuli can change them, things we eat can change them, just about everything can change them. Mental illness is when they are too extreme for the circumstance (too much chemicals'), when our body has a hard time maintaining that delicate balance, or when our imagination becomes a bit too powerful and takes over the body.
I believe in the mind, body, spirit connection in that they are, in essence, three separate things trying to co-exist in harmony. They will always have an effect on each other, like it or not. The important thing, though is not to think it is some horrible flaw of ours if they are not perfectly balanced. It is also important to put out the fire before we try to figure out what caused it. Even if we do know what caused the fire we still need to put it out unless we want to loose everything.
In my metaphoric opinion the biggest problem we have with mental illness today is all the children running around with matches and loaded weapons when, first off they have not been taught what they are, let alone proper fire and gun safety, and second their little bodies are not big enough or strong enough to hold the ski's in a snowplow so-to-speak. I'll expand on the latter; though it may be fun to take them skiing, though they may enjoy it and though introducing them early may lead them to be an Olympic skier, we can't expect them to hold a snow plow when their leg muscles have not developed to that point. And surely we wouldn't leave them to figure it out on there own. So it is with mental health.
... and that is all I have to say about that.
I think that mental illness looks very different then people realize this. It is possible that it is communicable. It is possible that there are varying degrees that can be treated quiet effectively with various different methods. It is possible that they may be prevented. It is possible that not all can be prevented but most can be managed. It is possible that mild problems can turn into something much worse if not properly cared for. In fact depression has been called the common cold of mental illness, it is my opinion that maybe we should consider it more like a common cold then we currently do. A cold effects every one at some time in their life. Most get over it with little added effort but it usually requires some effort, like extra vitamin's, extra water, extra sleep etc. Sometimes a cold turns into something worse but, generally speaking, we usually don't condemn that person. A cold is easily spread and we are more likely to catch it if we already have a weakened immune system. A cold can often be avoided but not always and not always easily. There are worse things then a cold even if it does move down into our lungs. I think it might be worthwhile to consider depression like this.
I'd also like to explain what I feel mental illness looks like. We all have experienced different chemical reactions within our own bodies. Some are easier to recognize then others. Some are more noticeable and easily recognizable while others are so regular and natural that we don't even notice them. I'll give some examples: The way our body uses and digests food, we don't really notice when we eat regularly the chemistry that is going on all the time but when we miss a few to many meals we sure can feel it. When we are "aroused" we can definitely feel something change in our bodies. If you have ever been excited, like a kid on Christmas, you can feel the endorphins or adrenaline or whatever it is. If you have ever run a race and you get to the final stretch, even though you feel like you have given it your all, when you see the finish line the adrenaline kicks in and you somehow can run faster, even sprint. When you are nervous or suddenly surprised. These are all chemical reaction that you can feel. They are very normal and useful, however it is also a very delicate balance and can easily be knocked out of whack. Imagination can change them, external stimuli can change them, things we eat can change them, just about everything can change them. Mental illness is when they are too extreme for the circumstance (too much chemicals'), when our body has a hard time maintaining that delicate balance, or when our imagination becomes a bit too powerful and takes over the body.
I believe in the mind, body, spirit connection in that they are, in essence, three separate things trying to co-exist in harmony. They will always have an effect on each other, like it or not. The important thing, though is not to think it is some horrible flaw of ours if they are not perfectly balanced. It is also important to put out the fire before we try to figure out what caused it. Even if we do know what caused the fire we still need to put it out unless we want to loose everything.
In my metaphoric opinion the biggest problem we have with mental illness today is all the children running around with matches and loaded weapons when, first off they have not been taught what they are, let alone proper fire and gun safety, and second their little bodies are not big enough or strong enough to hold the ski's in a snowplow so-to-speak. I'll expand on the latter; though it may be fun to take them skiing, though they may enjoy it and though introducing them early may lead them to be an Olympic skier, we can't expect them to hold a snow plow when their leg muscles have not developed to that point. And surely we wouldn't leave them to figure it out on there own. So it is with mental health.
... and that is all I have to say about that.
Monday, March 23, 2009
I'd rather Say It and be Wrong then Not Say It and be Right: beware of the Ups
Often e-mails I write turn into something entirely different then intended, that is just how I work. Today I want to share some bits of one that did just that.
"I find that I do great with just about everything, then don't maintain it and find myself at the bottom where I will start doing EVERYTHING at the same time again to get me up, which it does, but once again I can't maintain it and I come sliding back down (if not crashing). I believe that this is probably a pretty normal cycle but it is just a bit too extreme for me and good or bad my mind turns to death as the answer to everything even though I think it is a totally lame answer and I don't really agree with it or want to die. It is weird and hard to explain, I don't particularly care for it.
I have to admit, when medication starts working it is hard not to think that everyone could use it. I think that is me still holding on to a bit of pride and not wanting to be "different" as well as being genuinely concerned that someone else may be suffering needlessly.
I have mostly decided that one of my philosophy's is: I don't want to assume that I know how another person will take/use/need what I have to say, but if I know it is important I'll put it out there and let them be the judge for themselves. I'd rather say it and be wrong then not say it and be right."
Which brings me to a point I'd like to make, one that I don't recall ever being warned of or educated on from any of the books I've skimmed and read, in any of the meetings I've had with various counselors, psychologists, psychiatrists, etc; It is something I have had to figure out on my own from both my own experience and the experiences of others. Yet it is a bit of information that I think could be profoundly helpful in preventing a whole lot of difficult and dreadful occurrence's. It is this: Beware of the ups.
The ups can be more dangerous and frightening if there is a chemical imbalance but until you have been through a few yourself or you have seen a few that are close to you, you really don't know what to watch out for or even to watch out at all.
So I want to say: If you find yourself cycling or rapid cycling, then beware of the ups, an overly inflated ego or sense of self, and/or euphoric type feelings. It is hard to think that there might be a problem when you are in an up but ups take many forms and since we are often feeling so good in an up it is all too often too late before we realize that things aren't quiet as they seem. Ups can also be impatience and a short fuse. Ups can even be narcissistic (I can do no wrong). Ups can give you the energy you need to fulfil desires for some of those not-so-good obsessions.
Ups can be good, but up or down or anywhere in between, we need a core set of value's, a sense of right and wrong that we can cling to even when that is not who we are at the moment. When we feel that we are not who or what we know we should be and/or genuinely want to be, we don't change our value's, we seek help. That is the mentally responsible thing to do.
Though I don't entirely know what was going on with my brother it is apparent that he died in an up cycle.
So if I've burst a bubble or two I am sorry, don't mistake what I am saying for "you can't be happy," but rather learn to recognize chemically induced ups. Then you will be able to find a happy that is genuine and lasting (and for some of us, quite refreshing- even if we may find ourselves asking if this might be a little boring ;)).
"I find that I do great with just about everything, then don't maintain it and find myself at the bottom where I will start doing EVERYTHING at the same time again to get me up, which it does, but once again I can't maintain it and I come sliding back down (if not crashing). I believe that this is probably a pretty normal cycle but it is just a bit too extreme for me and good or bad my mind turns to death as the answer to everything even though I think it is a totally lame answer and I don't really agree with it or want to die. It is weird and hard to explain, I don't particularly care for it.
I have to admit, when medication starts working it is hard not to think that everyone could use it. I think that is me still holding on to a bit of pride and not wanting to be "different" as well as being genuinely concerned that someone else may be suffering needlessly.
I have mostly decided that one of my philosophy's is: I don't want to assume that I know how another person will take/use/need what I have to say, but if I know it is important I'll put it out there and let them be the judge for themselves. I'd rather say it and be wrong then not say it and be right."
Which brings me to a point I'd like to make, one that I don't recall ever being warned of or educated on from any of the books I've skimmed and read, in any of the meetings I've had with various counselors, psychologists, psychiatrists, etc; It is something I have had to figure out on my own from both my own experience and the experiences of others. Yet it is a bit of information that I think could be profoundly helpful in preventing a whole lot of difficult and dreadful occurrence's. It is this: Beware of the ups.
The ups can be more dangerous and frightening if there is a chemical imbalance but until you have been through a few yourself or you have seen a few that are close to you, you really don't know what to watch out for or even to watch out at all.
So I want to say: If you find yourself cycling or rapid cycling, then beware of the ups, an overly inflated ego or sense of self, and/or euphoric type feelings. It is hard to think that there might be a problem when you are in an up but ups take many forms and since we are often feeling so good in an up it is all too often too late before we realize that things aren't quiet as they seem. Ups can also be impatience and a short fuse. Ups can even be narcissistic (I can do no wrong). Ups can give you the energy you need to fulfil desires for some of those not-so-good obsessions.
Ups can be good, but up or down or anywhere in between, we need a core set of value's, a sense of right and wrong that we can cling to even when that is not who we are at the moment. When we feel that we are not who or what we know we should be and/or genuinely want to be, we don't change our value's, we seek help. That is the mentally responsible thing to do.
Though I don't entirely know what was going on with my brother it is apparent that he died in an up cycle.
So if I've burst a bubble or two I am sorry, don't mistake what I am saying for "you can't be happy," but rather learn to recognize chemically induced ups. Then you will be able to find a happy that is genuine and lasting (and for some of us, quite refreshing- even if we may find ourselves asking if this might be a little boring ;)).
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