A Bursting Nut Shell? (maybe it is a manic nut)

1. Many people just can't seem to wrap their head around the difference between a LCSW and a doctor of neuropsychology. If you have been to a neuropsychologist that knows what they are doing, you will know easily that there is a big difference. A neuropsychologist really is most appropriate for diagnosable illnesses, complex cases, and head injuries. They know the medical and physiological stuff as well as what is realistic to expect from a person with certain conditions. They know how to help you understand what is physiologically and psychologically going on with your head. Sometimes so well that you wonder if they have the same condition (Dr. She is that good).

2. I am tired of feeling silenced and powerless to do anything. I am disgusted more now than I was before when I try to organize the evidence of malpractice that is my burden to prove if I expect any of the many wrongs of the Neuroscience Institute to be righted. Wrongs that effect insurance settlement, impressions of me, treatment options, and opportunities within the industry that I belong in. Wrongs that are dangerous to practice, and wrongs that were harmful to both me and my family. Wrongs that will for ever scar me and may have actually contributed to some of the physical harm that has befallen my head (bipolar, encephalomalacia with gliosis, and seizures)...

3. As I tire of waiting in silence for lawyers that are not filling me in, as I wait too long knowing that these very bad practices have not been addressed and are likely still going on, and since I want to move on but do not feel okay with turning a blind eye, I find my conscience increasingly burdened as I know the "right" thing is not the easy thing and I believe I need to be more publicly vocal about this.
But it is very hard to explain in a short and concise way that warns people of the dangers...

4. Now lets see if I can explain in a super condensed nut shell what happened with the Neuroscience Institute, people like to hear the story of it and get easily caught up in the drama of transference and countertransference but they fail to comprehend or believe the malpractice part of it.  They will happily use the very reason misdiagnosis was such a big deal to justify their disbelief of the shear insanity of what really did happened and how I really was mistreated.
My situation was not just a problem with a therapist who was offering "counseling services,"
The problem was that:
I was first under diagnosed by my TBI doctor who had asked to be my primary care provider for TBI and auto accident related injuries.
I had a neuropsychologist who broke me when he either lost objectivity due to countertransference (something he had strongly implied, but later denied) or because he was grooming and I had not responded they way he had wanted me to.
Trusting him completely, loving him, and not knowing what was really going on with him or my head I found myself in an even bigger mess when he completely missed or intentionally misdiagnosed me, ignoring the mania I was experiencing, to cover his indiscretions and boundary violations.
... crap right out of a movie, to hard to explain here...
 ...then I was mistreated for trying to address this with them, without getting anyone into trouble, and for asking for clarification. They would not allow for any conversation about what had happened and the unplanned outcome of my condition. I was put through a bogus investigation with the Patient Experiences and greatly misrepresented by my "patient advocate" who did not stop the investigation when I realized and told her I did not want understand the point of the investigation and did not want it to continue until I did. This was after she told me it was not likely to help me "but it would help other patients." I also told her I was afraid they would use it to reinforce the bad policies that had and were hurting me since I was never even granted a conversation with her in person or the person leading the investigation at all. ...again more movie like drama with things being said on the phone but not reported in any of their documents... and the director I was not allowed to talk to and would they would never name decided the misdiagnosis was accurate based solely on the fact that the man in question had said so, despite the other evidence, some of which they acknowledged in the report and after they refused to even read/include my side of the story that I had insisted they included if they were going to proceed with the investigation. The patient advocate stated that the director had said it would not have made a difference on his decision. In addition to denying transference and mania (the misdiagnosis of my condition), the report also included their declaration of there had not been any kind of "inappropriate relationship" and proceeded to explain their justification for that when, at that point, I was still being stupidly protective of said therapist (something he manipulated me to be) and had insisted myself that there had not been and that I did not want the investigation to be about that.  (I was naive and I was processing things from a strange psychological place of both an adult and a child due to the PTSD and flooding of memories I was experiencing at that same  time so I did not realize the inappropriateness of it or why said therapist said he could "loose his license because of you [me]")
After speaking with the therapist my doctor then feigned care when she was actually denying me proper medical care and referrals because (or at least the evidence suggest) they thought, or they wanted it to make it appear, that I was simply there pursuing the therapist that had now officially terminated me.
-more movie like insanity including the office director that yelled at me in front of my kids and denied me my records and a copy of the patient rights- no wait this was before the investigation- Just drama from the office staff and assistants and my doctor refusing to refer properly but trying to get me to leave.
After months of progressively fading into the insanity of my denied and underrated condition, I finally left, still loving and trusting all of them and thinking they would come to their senses and stop treating my like a liability when I was not. I finally realized I could not keep coming back.  (except the office director and the unnamed director, I did not love them at all and due to my compromised mental state I though they must be the real enemy that my doctors were so afraid of)
... More drama, appeal denied, gaslighting, and "terminated" from the entire facility for the very conditions and problems I had tried to talk with them about that they were denying.
...In a fight for my life and left alone to try and find appropriate help after my doctor had told me she would help me find a new team but then had her staff tell me she could not so go through my insurance...
..more drama... I am literally fighting to stay ahead of the voices that say I need to be sacrificed for him and them, that I am dying and need to die.
In the nick of time I find a new provider that right away see my deteriorating condition that was misdiagnosed and gets me appropriate care. As I am starting to improve I knew I had to report them but still wanted to believe in the institution and providers so made every reasonable effort to reconcile, allow for clarification, and to seek understanding, which resulted in my being threatened by a lawyer with harsh false allegations and threats to criminalize and penalize me if I did not stay quiet about all of this.
...There is just no short way to explain this... and all my attempts fall short so very short...

The good news

This here blog is loosing interest again. But I also don't solicit it much, and the spinning eddies my brain has gotten stuck in, I am sure, get old and boring for others which is fine by me.
And that is exactly what I want to share today -the fine by me-ness of how I am feeling lately and, as my beautiful friend Renée would say, "the good news."
I am so incredibly grateful for the stability of mind and chemistry I have been feeling lately and pray that it continues. I am so incredibly happy with the improvement and that I am continuing to improve in my mood stability and even confidence.
I have been able to write about being broken by a therapist and then punished for it by the institution that fosters him, and the reality of my loss of touch with reality, and it has not caused the ptsd style symptoms that I have previously experienced. My skin is getting thicker and where before I would have been so worried about offending people and being misunderstood now I just don't care and can say confidently "it's on them" when someone is acting like a jerk.
I feel like I am coming back, finding myself and developing who I am again.
This is so nice.
But the nicest is that I am feeling happy, excited about things, and confident but not high. I don't feel like I am going high again...
Oh my gosh it has been so long!
...so long that as I write and allow myself to savor and enjoy this joy I do start to feel a bit leery of it and I remember it is time to take those meds that will keep this enthusiasm in check.
It is a strange existence that I have but I am so very grateful for it because it makes boring and normal so much more enjoyable!!
aaah
 I just wanted to share. I hope that I can keep this momentum and help others find it too.
And I think it is also worth noting that I have felt more love and support lately. Also I have a new medical and psychological team that is working with me and for me. These things make such a big a difference.

And we don't fight...hiding in plain sight

I'm doing really well. I am so glad that this is true and becoming more true every day.
And yet I am still very timid when it comes to putting myself out there
And when it comes to fighting that battle that I know more and more needs to be fought
but that, ironically, I also want to fight less and less as I improve..
It is mildly disturbing because I know that they know this about folks like me.
I know that they know we have little energy and little support to fight.
Plus they easily can paint you into a corner which they have done with me.
People won't listen because you are "crazy" and they are the experts who get to decide what form of crazy you are.
It is, of course, not them, it is never them, it is you
And that is crazy
and very sad...
So very very sad
so ...very ....very... sad
how I was used and then abused so very easily because I have had TBI,  mania (bipolar) and PTSD...
It is so very sad that they very people who should have been helping and protecting me used these things against me as justification for, or to cover, their misconduct.
It is very sad how people who can make a difference, who do have a voice fear aligning themselves with me because of the power and influence of the Institution that "ethically" discarded me for no good reason at all.
It is so sad that my talents and what I have accomplished are wasted and disregarded because they could not see me for what I am, because they fear that my knowledge and power threatens them and their's... Because they cannot see that I wish to work with them and not against them.
It is so very sad and my heart is so very broken by this even when I am well.
I see why I have hidden myself and why I run away from relationships and occupations before they abandon me. I see why TBI survivors and people with medical mental health issues hide, self isolate. We are abandoned and isolated, discredited, dismissed and dehumanized by those we are supposed to be able to trust and by the "experts" thus it becomes safer and less painful to hide and self isolate
I still feel safe sleeping and hiding.
I can also attest, for my own experiences and those of others, that some of our suicidal thinking is very much an inward reflection of an outward societal and cultural problem; it is a symptom of unhealthy societal perceptions and treatments of people who have mental health conditions. So we become like these:

Tiny little beauties hiding in plain sight. 

New Starts

Three for three.
I love my new team!
Maybe I need to be careful not to be too excited about the new neurologist, but my husband and I were both quite pleased with her after my first appointment with her yesterday.
This is the second neurologist, the first was not the right fit, but they had told me from the start that he did not deal with head injuries. However, since he would see me for the tremors and I could get into him and get some testing done before the end of the calendar year in which we had already met our out of pocket max, it was worth getting into him.
This definitely seemed to prove true since the testing provided the new neurologist with important information right off the bat. She saw right away how my TBI's contributed to the mess of discernment I was in with the Neuroscience Institute. She understood how it would have/could have effected things and she understood how vulnerable I was and even still am considering "all that you have been through."
Huge sigh of relief.
I feel as if I can stop holding my breath so much and burdens are again feeling lifted. I am starting to really feel liberated from the artificial (and manic fed) connections.
I can do this.
Knowledge is power and so is appropriate diagnosis and medical care.
Thank you to my new providers who are actually concerned about my health and safety.
While I am feeling more renewed and positive I know for many people times are strange and scary with all this Coronavirus stuff so this is my reminder that there is still so much to look forward to and here are pictures to celebrate looking forward to new starts and new horizons. 💝

Eddies of Disproportionate Sizes

....I'm just not brave anymore...
I am just not finding the courage to keep putting myself out there.
...
I want to be brave
I tell myself that I am
that I can do it
that it does not matter, the criticism and/or if it has the impact I want it to or not, as longing as I am making an effort to have a positive impact on the world...
but I just cannot bring myself to put myself out there.
I think more than anything I am tired of feeling the sting of rejection from those that I value.
It may be, as Dr. She has pointed out, that I have surrounded myself with people that see me as second class, and/or people I have made myself second a class citizen to, and people that confirm the negative core beliefs I have about myself and therefore I am doomed to failure because my social support system is not actually a support system at all but rather the opposite, a group of look-at-me-ers, that rely on my sidekick status to make themselves shine... SO they cannot and will not support if their is a threat of me, the second class, outshining them...
and as I am writing out my lack of bravery, I am seeing this and that is sadly true of many people I have loved and valued highly...
Not all, but a damaging amount...
which makes it even harder to combat with the bravery of putting myself out there when I know my message will only spread with the help a network...
...I suppose it is really not surprising that I am not brave... but it is annoying to me.
The problem is the solution and the solution is the problem...
So maybe I start here, on my insignificant blog that is also fading into obsoleteness for the very same reasons...
Processing my apprehension with:
TNT
PP Packs
and Crapsules
Teens Need Travel was a project we had started prior to the car accident that messed my head up and broke my brain even more than it was. The ultimate goal of TNT was to create a nonprofit organization that would be for teens and run by teens. An organization that would help them fund their own travel experience through community oriented fundraising. It was a big idea that covered a whole lot of needs for teens that are all too often overlooked. Teens are often undervalued and not given opportunities to actually work for and toward a goal that is focused on developing themselves. Developmentally teens need to be focused on themselves and developing themselves but many of the organizations and extracurriculars that are set up to supposedly help with this, focus too much on massively overwhelming or for show humanitarian efforts that are often not developmentally appropriate (thus they have the tendency to feed some unhealthy egocentric or superiority complexes) or they are too competitive and/or expensive and out of reach for most kids. Teens these days also lack real world experiences that provide opportunities for application of their knowledge and skills and the schools are falling very short on providing this... So the development of such an organization could fill a lot of gaps and holes in the needs of maturing teens that we expect to become valuable contributors to our communities and societies. My dreams for this organization included setting up a system where volunteer hours and fundraising could be cashed in toward an enriching cross-cultural travel experience or scholarship credits that they could use toward higher education.
Although the support and interest we had for the idea was definitely positive, when it came right down to it, the reality is that this complex multi-layered dream is too far out of my league. I am not qualified nor am I well enough connected to pull it off. I am also not financially independent/ wealthy enough to pull it off.
...It breaks my heart and I want to keep holding onto the dream. I want to grassroots or sell the idea to someone who can pull it off. Actually, I'd happily give it away if someone else can pull it off because it is not for me and it is not supposed to be about me. It is for others that I want this to be successful.
So then we have the PP packs, short for Primitive Potty Packs. It was a community oriented fundraiser that we started but went south along with everything else after the car accident and we (my kids and I) lost serious confidence with the drop off of friends that had started with us.
 One of those that stung the most, we should not have invited to join, because they the mom (who I had valued highly and considered a good friend) had already decided she did not like me for whatever reason. However, her son was enthusiastic about it and had the experience and the type of personality that could literally pull the whole thing off singlehanded if he felt so inclined. But mom tainted the well, which broke me and my kids again... though I did not want to admit it and for awhile still made some effort.
PP packs. This idea came after the car accident. I was fragile for many reasons and especially sensitive to rejection so this seemed to be a good, scaled way back, grassroots way to do something meaningful and attempt to reignite TNT. The Primitive Potty Packs, aka PP Packs, were intended to help education and inform people on appropriate, hygienic, and environmentally conscientious bathroom practices in wilderness areas where bathroom facilities are not available. My kids and I came up with this idea when we were camping in the Bears Ears wilderness area -an area of much controversy over how to preserve and protect it.

Admittedly we are not huge fans of the publicity it has received by making it a national, federally own, property. It brings people in and many of these people are not wild campers that know how or what to do when they need to relieve themselves but their are no facilities around. In wetter states leaving toilet paper is not as big of an issue, but in the desert, it'll last longer than we will and these gross little brown streaked white flags are becoming a more and more common feature to the landscape. It's not pretty. Or hygienic. It is gross.
We always pack out our toilet paper. The PP packs are our method and we figured we could produce and sell these as a way to both fundraise and educate.
It has been a very well received idea and the people we have talked to about it have been supportive and enthusiastic. We were able to get donations to start the project. While researching we learned that even burying your poop in these areas in not ideal and while the bigger National Parks will provide permitted backpackers of certain areas with a bag to use that is for packing your crap out, we found that they were expensive and rather bulky with a lot of waste for a onetime use product. Our research lead us to develop the Crapsule; A capsule that is made for and contains what you need to pack your crap out. They are also great for dog owners since it is a good solution to carrying a squishy stinky bag on your hike. Too many dog owners bag it but leave it for that very reason, and that is gross. But we can solve that problem with the crapsule...
They are good ideas. Especially right now, amidst this social isolating and Coronavirus concern. We have the product and all we need to do is make some videos to explain and then post and share on social media etc...
...but we are struggling to be brave...
And I don't want to push my kids, I don't want to make them do anything they don't want to do.
... Contrary to the Neuroscience Institute and/ or their lawyers opinions I don't make my kids do things nor cause them to do things that are for my own self-serving agenda or whatever they were thinking when they made that false, hurtful, harmful and offensive accusation.  ...
...and now I am seeing, as I write this out, one more reason why I am extremely gun-shy about tackling these projects and trying to motivate my kids to be brave again so that we can follow through with what we started...
I edited out my flare up of anger and left this entry for a day. But I do feel there are important things to say and the writing it out processing has been helpful. Next I allowed myself a bit of a followup or followthrough on the processing my brain is trying to move beyond. I have decided it is best to be gentle with myself and allow myself the time I need to heal. I also feel I want to share this, because even though this blog goes just about nowhere and get read very little I know that their are others who have been through similar and that their seems to be few resources and very little help or concern about the the challenge they have faced. I also know that the industry standards and far too many professionals within the industry of psychology are pretty clueless, callous or misguided in their understandings and procedures in handling clients they have lost objectivity with.

..."I can't loose you right now" did not matter to him; it did not matter why. He decided and then allowed it to or encouraged it to progress into the absolute decimation of my confidence and self worth by them ignoring all red flags and their obligations to treat and protect me when I was literally fighting for my life... The effects are so far reaching into a person's psyche. ...And I don't want to think about it anymore I don't want to focus on it. I want to focus on and do those other things I have mentioned... I want to focus on developing other skills and talents...
The problem is the solution and the solution is the problem...
Sometimes I feel like I am in a powerful eddy I am just not strong enough to swim out of...
...So it really is not surprising that I am just not brave anymore. But it is annoying to me. Annoying that I can see it for what it is but just can't seem to shake the confirmations of my worthlessness.
But I keep going and I keep trying and I keep choosing to believe, even when I really don't. And the fight gets easier the more I train, but I do wish I did not need to fight so many pointless battles against people that should be on my side.
..."be careful with (or avoid) the shouds" rings in my ears because he should hear and care but does not, because they should care and should have cared but they did not. They choose to see me and treat me as a liability, not a person.

...so ever striving to steer clear when I can of the powerful eddies that surround me and swim out when I can not avoid them. As I continue to keep moving and working to find and establish the me that I want to be. Or God, I would like most to be the me that God wants me to be, but I will admit, that area is scary since the powers that Be are incomprehensible to our mortal minds and it is easy to get lost in the vast shades of grey and purple rains that can easily misguide our naive minds, tender hearts, primal instincts, and guarded egos.
So I am settling for striving to be the me that I really would like me to be.

"Come together, right now, over here"

I have been working on a blog entry about the past couple of days and the... relapse?... I had but that entry has gotten quite long and I am still not finished; maybe more appropriate for a book..
But I feel it is important so here are some cliff notes:
Omens and strange lucid sleep paralysis dreams put together all of the evidence that I am supposed to sacrifice myself and then I found myself fighting the battle with death again only this time with all of the logical compiled evidence being presented in a sleep-paralysis-like state. Whispers of "only he can stop this" haunting me...
I was not focussed on him, but rather what was I to do? I could not shake the evidence and yet I refused to do the deed. I would not do it, while the encounters (or lack of) of the day and with family just kept reinforcing those messages...
Knowing how my husband had responded that day and his typical patterns I decided it would be best to run away.
But first I decided to do something I have been putting off for far too long; I would report to the police the reckless endangerment and possible criminal negligence and fraudulent practices of the medical providers that seem to be the true source of those voices.
After talking with the appropriate police department I felt tired, and cold but it lit just enough that I also wanted to keep fighting even though I was not feeling particularly brave or strong enough to. I also remembered that I had a dentist appointment the next morning for the pain I was feeling once again in my teeth and jaw. But maybe mostly because I was not feeling capable of even taking care of the dog at that point in time I returned home (I had brought the dog with me, for safety and because my daughter thought it would be good for me) despite the thoughts of, "You can't keep going back."
Upon returning home, I took the remainder of my meds -I had already decided to reintroduce the medication I had wanted to quit, which may have accounted for some of the tired feelings- and then I  went to bed.
Though some of the intensity had subsided, the next morning was rough and I was not sure what to do with myself. I wanted to be there for my son so forced myself to be present for the meeting he had arranged to showed his antique typewriter to potential buyers. Not knowing if I would be home or not my husband had made arrangements to be present for the meeting himself, though he arrived a minute or two too late.
So I was up and feeling bit better, or at least numb when my husband arrived. He explained why he had come home; because he was not sure if I would be here. He is not annoyed or angry either way, but rather he tells me he is glad I decided to stay. He gave me a hug asked how I was. Then he took some interest, making suggestions about a project and then proceeded with, "lets try it right now."
And that was it, that turned me right around, like a switch. I was not sure how this was possible and I thought on all the logical evidence and the whispers, omens, etc but they were insignificant again and if anything, evidence of my tenacity and the need for changes in flawed and/or careless systems, not evidence that I needed to die. This is where there is a lot I can explain, but what it really comes down to is this:

• the fight becomes easier the more you train.
• I had put in the work and it is very likely the medication I reintroduced was helping now
• It does not take much to swing a person either way when they are fighting to survive
• Everybody needs people in the ring with them (or maybe it is many people or maybe just I do, but I do. I need people on my side, looking out for me and helping me)

Tragedy averted, I was tempted to just forget about it, but I knew that we needed to talk about this as a family. I knew that they only way I will not-only-survive-but-thrive is if my family understands this for what it is and helps me when I need it. Whether any of us like it or not we have this burden and we are all going to fair better if we learn how to handle it together and what to do when my brain does go haywire. I wondered how to approach this with my family. I wondered if really I should or if I should just sweep it under the rug. 

I thought of our friend who got diagnosed with diabetes at a very young age, I thought of uncles who we have lost to cancer, I thought about my sister who has a heart condition, I thought about my brother-in-law whose family has been there and extremely supportive through his bouts with bipolar, and I thought of my niece that is blind and my niece that has an extra piece of a chromosome and how my sister has handled it an helped her kids handle their realities. I recognized that those who fair best are those whose families also make an effort to understand their illnesses and conditions. 

I realized, we need to talk about this. Not hide it. Not be ashamed and embarrassed. And most certainly not ignore it when something like this relapse (or what ever it was) happens. 

So we sat down as family to talk about this. I told them I need help and I explained that I want them to understand that we are here to help each other. I explained the simple things that helped turn me around. I explained that I also want them to pay attention to themselves and to know if they ever have any issue's, medical or otherwise, that they are not alone and we are here to help them as well. I want them to be comfortable talking about these things and I want them not to stigmatize themselves (the way I have done to myself so many times in the past -I did not add that). I want them to know that mental health problems are not shameful nor should they be ignored. I want them to remember the man from Brazil and for our family to have the same kind of love and compassion for others and each other. I want them to know how much I appreciate what they already have done and how they have helped me and each other in so many ways already. 

Our conversation was brief and I am not sure if I was able to convey all that I wanted to, but I at least know that they know it is okay to talk about these things, we are all in this together (like it or not) and that we are here for each other. 

Later I talked with my husband. More and more he is  understanding that these issues of mine are not as easy as I make them appear to be. He is seeing that sometimes, when something seems silly, it is often merely the tip of the iceberg in what I can or am willing to try to explain. He knows that I am not a willing victim but that I also do not do things out of spite, malice, revenge or otherwise. I really appreciate that he knows that about me and I am really grateful, that even though it can be difficult at times, he still wants me around and he is glad that I keep coming back. He gives me credit and the benefit of the doubt and he is glad that I keep choosing to give him the benefit of the doubt too. He has always appreciated how care about and are kind to others. We are both starting to see how, at times,  I am too nice and forgiving and that I may be giving the benefit of the doubt to liberally while accepting too much responsibility for difficult situations with people. We are coming together better by recognizing and appreciate the good in ourselves and each other. 

...And I believe this may be how we beat the odds.

Just a little love can go such a long way.

Sometimes we just need to feel love.
Sometimes that is the hardest time to love people and when they need it most.
But sometimes that is really all we need.
In person love. A hug, a hand hold, a rub/pat on the back. Not much. But real life real time love.
...
and maybe to get back on the Lexapro too.
Last night I decided, maybe I will take the baby seizures and not mess with that medication right now... Those Lucid dreams threw me way off and I don't know why they came when they did but they did.. I suppose I am not far enough out of the woods yet.