(I wrote this a while ago and when I posted it today it posted on the date I started writing it but I want things to be in a certain order so I am re-posting it for a today post.)
I just have to say that sometimes I tend to avoid reading stuff about Mental illness's or Mood Disorders or what ever it may be called because I think it is so damn depressing. And I think "damn" is the right word there because there is often that undertone as well. Sometimes I think I need to read more, but when I try to I feel completely discouraged or devoid of hope. Personally I think that is so totally lame. I read crap about depression an it is exactly that. I read crap about mental health issues and it is either all in your attitude or you are a completely helpless and mindless victim who I've seen put in the same categories of animals. I have read research that I know is easily ignorantly translated as "avoid anyone who is trying to live responsible with there mental disorder" but rather go for the person who has yet to face these issues but in reality are possibly more likely to be problematic because they might have the same problems or worse but have not been allowed to face them, or is unwilling to face them, in a healthy and supportive way. I get a bit fired up at the extreme views and the lack of a moderate middle ground. Yes, there are many that are "worse" then I but under the circumstances is it any wonder that people like my brother die by a fate of their own making, it's so freaking hopeless and taboo. Of all the gross and disgusting topics I hear discussed (even viewed) and offensive terms just casually tossed about that really probably should be taboo, why are mental illness's and disorders so taboo? I mean really people. My brother-in-law, not the one who wrote the books but a different one, is a lost little soul in many peoples eyes but I don't think he is so much as people don't want to accept that he is fine living a life that they themselves are not fine with. I hate that so much is an all or nothing approach, medicate or don't. Therapy or none. Mental or not. It's not that cut and dry and just because I occasionally benefit from an antidepressant does not make me less of a person. It also does not mean that I am helpless and even in the misery of it all I am not a depressed person (OK yes I am but that is not who I am). I have anxiety issue's, I struggle with depression, I have problems with obsessive thinking. I have low energy at times, I have trouble sleeping at times, I have panic attacks at time, I have racing thoughts MOST of the time. I have trouble focusing. Sometimes I eat too much and sometimes I don't eat enough. I am waaay too effected by waaay too many things. I have highs and ups that , though can be fun, are idiotic even troublesome at times. Sometimes I wish to just be done with life and sometimes I think of ways to bring that about. Sometimes a lot. Sometimes I know that I have super powers, and even when I am "normal" I sometimes secretly know that it's not really crazy but rather just impossible to maintain (super powers that is). I have multiple personalities that sometimes don't get along very well. I have excessive guilt. I have social anxiety. Sometimes I even think I need medication because I really can't "just deal with it" or "get over it." I have issues. Yes, but so what. Fortunately for me sometimes they can be fun. I think that is who I am, mostly because that is who I want it to be more then that is the way that I tend to be most of the time. No, I don't understand people who are always depressed and down, but does all the literature on depression have to be so dang hopeless? Maybe I'm just a fighter or maybe I am different or maybe I just don't want to give up hope and I don't think I ever will. I am sorry if that bothers people but I'd like to see a paradigm shift here. This may sound silly but depression doesn't need to be so depressing just like a fashionable and sensitive man doesn't need to be gay and just like a person with a bipolar or schizophrenic disorder/ illness doesn't have to take orders from their alter-egos and/or moods. That is my statement for the day and I hope that you will have a good one to.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Seven pounds
This is a movie review.
Last night I watched "Seven Pounds" with my husband and I can summarize my feelings on the movie easily in two statements; First, I am glad I am "properly medicated" because this one would have been a bugger and second, one word, STUPID.
(*If you'd like to read the plot here is a link but it will entirely ruin the movie if you intend to watch it [and it's not very well writen] http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0814314/synopsis )
Interesting concept but totally flawed and the "message" was all screwed up with pretty damn screwed up intentions.
My husband rented this movie because he had heard it was good but neither of us really knew anything about it other then some guy doing seven "good deeds." So it is funny and a bit ironic that as I took my "chill pill" prior to settling in for the show I thought to myself "it is so lame that I have to take a pill to keep me from wanting to kill myself." In fact I mockingly told my husband that as he was putting the movie in.
So then the opening dialogue starts with Will Smith calling in his own suicide to 911.
If you recall I recently lost a brother to this very fate so I guess I can't claim an unbiased opinion in the matter. But where does my bias lie exactly, in a sense my brothers fate gave me a gift of acceptance and life in my own "mental health" struggle. I have struggled my self with a suicidal tendency and the idea that I could be doing the world a favor through my own death. I have often thought, and still agree, that suicide is most certainly not the worst thing that a person could do. I'd even go as far as saying that truly some people ought to consider it. But I will also say that I think it is very wrong and I am heart broken and at times a bit angry at losing my brother in this fashion. Given a second chance you better believe I'd have done everything in my power to try to prevent this. But that was not to be my place and that is that.
Going back to the movie my opinion is that a movie that makes so many individual judgments and puts some self redeeming and savior like qualities onto an act of suicide is stupid. Yes, that is a judgemental statement in and of itself but I am judging a movie and a message and I believe there is a difference. [While it is totally unreasonable to think that we can live being truly non-judgemental I do think we can do better by avoiding judgements on people or individuals (including ourselves) and rather judge the action or the product and only for our own benefit. Like "I really think this movie is bad" versus "the director and people involved are bad for making this movie" do you see the difference I am trying to point out?]
So "Seven Pounds" is totally ridiculous. The last thing I want to say is that a person who is actually in a mental state capable of pulling off the feats that the Ben Thomas character pulled off is likely not in a suicidal state and if they really are that determined to "kill" them self in the end after all of that then WOW that's pretty freaking amazing, unfair and DAMN STUBBORN. I would say to "Tim Thomas" get over yourself, it's not always about you!
I realize that many people won't get my last statement, but some will. Feel free to ask me to clarify.
Last night I watched "Seven Pounds" with my husband and I can summarize my feelings on the movie easily in two statements; First, I am glad I am "properly medicated" because this one would have been a bugger and second, one word, STUPID.
(*If you'd like to read the plot here is a link but it will entirely ruin the movie if you intend to watch it [and it's not very well writen] http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0814314/synopsis )
Interesting concept but totally flawed and the "message" was all screwed up with pretty damn screwed up intentions.
My husband rented this movie because he had heard it was good but neither of us really knew anything about it other then some guy doing seven "good deeds." So it is funny and a bit ironic that as I took my "chill pill" prior to settling in for the show I thought to myself "it is so lame that I have to take a pill to keep me from wanting to kill myself." In fact I mockingly told my husband that as he was putting the movie in.
So then the opening dialogue starts with Will Smith calling in his own suicide to 911.
If you recall I recently lost a brother to this very fate so I guess I can't claim an unbiased opinion in the matter. But where does my bias lie exactly, in a sense my brothers fate gave me a gift of acceptance and life in my own "mental health" struggle. I have struggled my self with a suicidal tendency and the idea that I could be doing the world a favor through my own death. I have often thought, and still agree, that suicide is most certainly not the worst thing that a person could do. I'd even go as far as saying that truly some people ought to consider it. But I will also say that I think it is very wrong and I am heart broken and at times a bit angry at losing my brother in this fashion. Given a second chance you better believe I'd have done everything in my power to try to prevent this. But that was not to be my place and that is that.
Going back to the movie my opinion is that a movie that makes so many individual judgments and puts some self redeeming and savior like qualities onto an act of suicide is stupid. Yes, that is a judgemental statement in and of itself but I am judging a movie and a message and I believe there is a difference. [While it is totally unreasonable to think that we can live being truly non-judgemental I do think we can do better by avoiding judgements on people or individuals (including ourselves) and rather judge the action or the product and only for our own benefit. Like "I really think this movie is bad" versus "the director and people involved are bad for making this movie" do you see the difference I am trying to point out?]
So "Seven Pounds" is totally ridiculous. The last thing I want to say is that a person who is actually in a mental state capable of pulling off the feats that the Ben Thomas character pulled off is likely not in a suicidal state and if they really are that determined to "kill" them self in the end after all of that then WOW that's pretty freaking amazing, unfair and DAMN STUBBORN. I would say to "Tim Thomas" get over yourself, it's not always about you!
I realize that many people won't get my last statement, but some will. Feel free to ask me to clarify.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Medication vs. Self-medicating
Life has not privileged me with the opportunities to be the person that I think I want to be. I am most certainly something else. I still find myself in the quandary of medication vs not despite the difference I know it makes for me.
Even on medication I still have to do those things that are needed to help fight depression ie. diet, exercise, avoid stimulants and depressants. I still have to be aware of what I am subjecting myself to as far as entertainment and media goes. I still worry. But it is so much more manageable. Without medication I felt like myself sometimes but those sometimes were short lived and a battle to maintain. I have come to this conclusion; I know who I am and who I want to be and if I feel more like that person on a more consistent basis with the help of medication then I see no problem with self medicating with the help of a professional who probably knows more then I do about a lot of things. I think its a fair thing to do for myself and my loved ones and those who have to deal with me on a regular basis.
I think it is really not funny at all that people (society really) are so harsh about prescription "happy" pill's but so OK with all the various forms of self medication that are addictive and often unhealthy. I have felt the pressure to drink alcohol and am often viewed as a prude or stiff or what ever because I don't drink. I will admit I have been tempted, but the only reason I'd be drinking would be to "calm" me, problem is it is a depressant and even before I knew that, I knew how it effected people and I knew that I was screwed up enough, I didn't need help with that. I don't drink for these reasons so I am looked down on by many. I do take medication for a lot of the same reasons that people drink and smoke and do illegal drugs in there various forms, you'd think that I'd be viewed the same, I think it is more responsible, but a societal view would look down on me multiple times. I personally think it is pretty stupid. and that is all I have to say about that right now.
Even on medication I still have to do those things that are needed to help fight depression ie. diet, exercise, avoid stimulants and depressants. I still have to be aware of what I am subjecting myself to as far as entertainment and media goes. I still worry. But it is so much more manageable. Without medication I felt like myself sometimes but those sometimes were short lived and a battle to maintain. I have come to this conclusion; I know who I am and who I want to be and if I feel more like that person on a more consistent basis with the help of medication then I see no problem with self medicating with the help of a professional who probably knows more then I do about a lot of things. I think its a fair thing to do for myself and my loved ones and those who have to deal with me on a regular basis.
I think it is really not funny at all that people (society really) are so harsh about prescription "happy" pill's but so OK with all the various forms of self medication that are addictive and often unhealthy. I have felt the pressure to drink alcohol and am often viewed as a prude or stiff or what ever because I don't drink. I will admit I have been tempted, but the only reason I'd be drinking would be to "calm" me, problem is it is a depressant and even before I knew that, I knew how it effected people and I knew that I was screwed up enough, I didn't need help with that. I don't drink for these reasons so I am looked down on by many. I do take medication for a lot of the same reasons that people drink and smoke and do illegal drugs in there various forms, you'd think that I'd be viewed the same, I think it is more responsible, but a societal view would look down on me multiple times. I personally think it is pretty stupid. and that is all I have to say about that right now.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
If "that" me is normal then Normal STINKS!
So I have now started three blog posts in the past few days that remain unfinished or not publish worthy. I am finding there really is a lot that I feel needs to be said on this subject. Right now I just wanted to quickly say that I am so happy with my current state of mind.
Occasionally I hear people say things, or if I try to explain and I am told "well that is normal" or "everyone feels those things" I am slightly tempted to judge myself harshly and once again return to the error of thinking that I am just a pathetic little wimp who needs excuses because I can't handle "normal emotions." While I realize that this may or may not be true, I have also realized how much better I am and feel. I still go through a very normal range of emotions. In fact just this last week I have been a bit down and my head has wandered to bizarre places, enough that I worried a little about my stability. But it was very different, it was quite manageable and I soon realized that my worrying (and possibly some of my husbands) was mostly my hesitation to fully trust the stability that I have been experiencing for such a long stretch (going on a couple of months now). I think it is important to recognize this because without recognizing I could easily sabotage my own progress. I can note some dramatic differences between how I am now and how I was then. They may not be that dramatic to everyone else but I can sure feel it and it is nice.
I will go into more detail later on some of the differences. However, for now I need to keep this post short but I do want to say this:
If what I started taking medication for is a normal reaction to a normal range of emotions and thought processes and everyone really is just like me then I truly and honestly believe that EVERYONE needs to be on medication because that SUCKED!!! It is nice to have myself back. Once again I didn't realize how bad it sucked until it stopped sucking so bad. (I will reiterate I am not saying everyone needs to be on medication, it is an "if/then" statement)
But that is what I wanted to say today. Thanks and have a lovely, level day.
Occasionally I hear people say things, or if I try to explain and I am told "well that is normal" or "everyone feels those things" I am slightly tempted to judge myself harshly and once again return to the error of thinking that I am just a pathetic little wimp who needs excuses because I can't handle "normal emotions." While I realize that this may or may not be true, I have also realized how much better I am and feel. I still go through a very normal range of emotions. In fact just this last week I have been a bit down and my head has wandered to bizarre places, enough that I worried a little about my stability. But it was very different, it was quite manageable and I soon realized that my worrying (and possibly some of my husbands) was mostly my hesitation to fully trust the stability that I have been experiencing for such a long stretch (going on a couple of months now). I think it is important to recognize this because without recognizing I could easily sabotage my own progress. I can note some dramatic differences between how I am now and how I was then. They may not be that dramatic to everyone else but I can sure feel it and it is nice.
I will go into more detail later on some of the differences. However, for now I need to keep this post short but I do want to say this:
If what I started taking medication for is a normal reaction to a normal range of emotions and thought processes and everyone really is just like me then I truly and honestly believe that EVERYONE needs to be on medication because that SUCKED!!! It is nice to have myself back. Once again I didn't realize how bad it sucked until it stopped sucking so bad. (I will reiterate I am not saying everyone needs to be on medication, it is an "if/then" statement)
But that is what I wanted to say today. Thanks and have a lovely, level day.
Friday, April 17, 2009
When I go back and read some of the things that I have written I have to laugh at myself. Though I'm totally idiotic, it's funny really. Like this that I wrote (I'll leave it in rough form so you may have to read it again and again to get it but if I'm going to expose my idiot side then I'll bare it all, no airbrushing and no-touch up):
"I am not a helpless victim of anything. I do not appreciate the feeble attempts of people who would lead me to believe that I am in order to boost their business or what have you. Or even those who want you to believe it so that they may feel better about it.
I have my agency and I also seem to have emotional incontinence. Sometimes I can manage with that but other times I really need to rely on “depends” or staying in, in order to avoid an embarrassing situation. And sometimes the “depends” are a bit embarrassing and who wouldn’t take a pill to stop embarrassing leakage over wearing an adult diaper?"
Well I think I'm funny!
"I am not a helpless victim of anything. I do not appreciate the feeble attempts of people who would lead me to believe that I am in order to boost their business or what have you. Or even those who want you to believe it so that they may feel better about it.
I have my agency and I also seem to have emotional incontinence. Sometimes I can manage with that but other times I really need to rely on “depends” or staying in, in order to avoid an embarrassing situation. And sometimes the “depends” are a bit embarrassing and who wouldn’t take a pill to stop embarrassing leakage over wearing an adult diaper?"
Well I think I'm funny!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)