Innocent
Unfortunately their is nothing innocent about how I was handled.
And the worst part is I have to constantly remember this. It is the battle my little brain and heart have to constantly duke out.
I cannot allow the tempting thoughts of innocence to creep back in
Because it breaks me in so many ways
that people just cannot understand unless they have experienced it.
There are a couple of haunting thoughts that are lingering.
1: this idea of it being a somewhat innocent flirting scenario. Sometimes I am so naive that I forget what this suggests about me; that I was there flirting and playing with that man. This subject can be debatable. I am playful and maybe I flirt more than I realize. My Peruvian friend had a name for this that I can't recall but that is given to women who are either really bad at flirting when they try to flirt and/or are super flirtatious without realizing they are. It was suggested that I may be the latter. Considering some of the things I was appalled to learn that my husband thought about me and my motives prior to marriage, I suppose I just might be that Peruvian slang term that sounds something like Gila monster but I don't remember.
However that, in a therapeutic relationship, is where the innocence ends. With me.
Therapists are not supposed to flirt. That is against their training and ethics. They are also supposed to be able to identify the different types of flirting and reasons for it if it is coming from their clients. I wonder how good the training and information on this is? Or if their training is heavily bias and it is something more akin to my previous blog entry titled "the Seductress" resulting in therapists mainly believing that a client is up to no good if they think the client is flirting. This may be the main interpretation within the industry, which in all reality, (and I will speak my opinion as if it were fact) is stupid.
To me, I thought of that man as a friend. Once upon a time I knew better, and fundamentally I knew better, but my brokenness and vulnerability had him pegged as that to me. I also did not consider myself to be any sort of threat or temptation. It was not until I broke, after he put distance between us after I spoke of how our work together had helped me in my relationship with my husband and he left me heartbroken and in tears with "unfortunately their is still a human element to all of this" that I ever even considered there might be something more there for him than a therapeutic relationship. I knew I was getting attached but I also knew (or thought I knew) that it ended there, being only reflective of my own feelings, his previous "flirtations" or suggestions nothing more than innocent playfulness or his professional testing of my feelings toward him. It never occurred to me that he may have actually been flirting or planting suggestions.
That moment that broke me was a beautiful and tragic moment that altered the course of everything. Now I realize that even in spite of ones training and expertise people do make mistakes, and I was genuinely okay with that. For this reason, even though he was trained to know and behave better I did believe it may have had some level of innocence and sincerity
but
I cannot now accept it as that because of how I was treated and handled. Even in that very moment. He was breaking me and he saw that I was hurting but he proceeded down that path. It may have been anger, fear, jealousy, self-preservation, or some other emotion that he was acting on, but ultimately I was being punished for his pain and suffering and that is where any innocence ends.
ESPECIALLY when that person is a medical provider and/or in a position of power over another. And his position of power over me was compounded and compounding as I was breaking. I was highly vulnerable in more than just one way, I loved and trusted him, he was a professional paid for service, he has a PhD - is trained and regarded as a specialist in his field, and the specialist that was especially relevant to me. He also is with an institution that has significant power and influence. IHC power within our state just may be to the degree of "absolute power corrupts absolutely." Therefore, flirting from his position with me was not innocent. And he knows it or he'd not have ever been concerned that he could loose his license because of me.
This is working out to be longer than I thought I needed it to be.
This means these thoughts and my innocent affections for him are wanting to be reinstated and entertained again and I am fighting to keep them at bay, because, as we have already established, they are neither wise nor healthy.
So I'll let this blog entry processing be. Even when so stable I have to keep fighting to keep my heart together and my mind free of the hauntings of He.
I will move onto haunting thought #2:
Attorney Friend said something about how the mania I experienced is debatable. Now I understand his point was that in a court and legal settings the Neuroscience Institute would bring in their own "experts" and make it debatable, but in reality people believing that mania is debatable is so completely stupid. I know because I was thinking along those same lines while I was living it. The reason I was thinking along those same lines was because Dear Dr. He missed or dismissed it and then in their "investigation" (to be read/said with the utmost sarcasm) they made it debatable.
AND there in lies the problem, trying to make an actual physiological and physical conditions debatable.
I was so jacked up. And I knew I was too much. I could physically feel my body chemistry surging. I was not sleeping, I was all kinds of crazy. It was fun, exciting, exhilarating, and beautiful at times, but those same things that made it feel like all of that were also very dangerous and bodies cannot maintain those kind of highs; whether they are happening biologically or as a response to artificially introduced chemicals, your body will burn up and burn out. Mine was not drug induced, it was biological broken brain and possibly careless therapist induced and insanely intense or intensely insane. But ask my husband and my kids and they can tell you it was not debatable.
It is stupid and obnoxious that people will try to label it as such. It is like saying diabetes is debatable, or even childbirth. Childbirth, I know, seems like a incompatible comparison here because childbirth results in the very-solid-evidence-form of a child, but I don't think it is so irrelevant because my mania resulted in the birth of a whole lot of physical evidence too... emails, this blog, some videos, the books worth of obsessive processing and writing that I brought with me to my last appointment with Dear Perri Cherie, to make sure "it," whatever "it" was, was not missed, my art, an expensive yellow Italian leather purse, Italian traffic tickets etc... There is physical evidence that was not there before and that does not come with or from a stable me. I mean really, who gives a crap about an Italian leather purse made in Italy? Maybe a lot of people do but I really don't, at least not at that price.
So while you or others may think it is debatable I know that it is not. I do not have the luxury of thinking or believing it is. To do so puts me in a very bad place.
In fact I believe making that kind of shit debatable is what leads to things like Laurie Vallow.
Just because a person is intelligent and can visibly manage the insanity of TBI, mania and/or other brain dysfunctions does not mean that the actual physiological problem does not exist or is debatable. If we are having psychological problems/symptoms don't try to make it debatable, Look into it and TREAT US. That is what an innocent man and institution would do.
Is that debatable too?
Maybe if we stopped making it so, then people would start listening and treating honestly.
Thursday, July 9, 2020
Tuesday, July 7, 2020
Tools and Toys
Tools
I think it might be worthwhile to dedicate my entries to tools. The tools I have and that I utilize that make me a success story in the world of Mental Health and TBI.
I also think I may need to explain the reality of my mental health related and TBI issues but I don't want to devote too much time to that today.
And I still like the idea of using this blog to continue to help me process as I write out some of my experiences, emotions and thinking.
So maybe todays highlighted tool is the tool of writing it out. It can be a very helpful process in sorting thoughts and feelings. When I allow myself to write it out it really helps me see and sort what I am experiencing internally. I can also use it to guide me into a direction. I can let it out and then turn it around. I can write to real and/or imagined audiences. I can be noble or selfish and all shades in between in my aspirations. etc. etc.
Today I met with my accident attorney who also is an old casual friend from junior high and high school. I am grateful to have him as my attorney. He is honest and forthright with me. He tells me the reality of the situation from what he knows on his side of things. He has also been quite patient with me when I was rather lost in alternate realities, when I was suspicious and untrusting of him as well, when I was sure I was going to need to dump him and try to settle things with the insurance company on my own because my whole world was falling apart and I felt I could not trust anyone nor afford them because I was certain I would be entirely alone soon. I am grateful he was patient and understanding as much as he could be when I later realized the errors of my unstable thinking and distrust of him.
Today I got to meet with him in person and we had good conversation. I love good conversation with people. We covered a lot of ground. Some relevant to my case with the car accident, some relevant to the malpractice pursuit and other just-conversation-stuff that wove in and out of relevance to why I was there.
At one point he asked if it is possible that what happened with Dr. He might have been mostly innocent. My friend gave me a bit of the male perspective, explaining how stupid men can be when they are ... not sure how to word this, I supposed sexually driven is the most direct route; but attracted and other words were closer to what he used. He wonders if it was a more innocent flirting kind of situation and that maybe, deep down, Mr. He hoped would go somewhere physical.
Here is where psychology gets funny, stupid and interesting.
I find myself testing this friend with words like, "do you really think I hold that much power?" "Do you really think I am that special? And that I am the only one?" and "Do you really think I am capable of breaking a neuropsychologist to that level?"
Intellectually we all know better than to believe this if we break down the reality of the situation and look at the level of his power position over me.
Yet men will suggest to me that I hold this kind of power.
Which, I have to admit, is really flattering. Especially coming from a ...hmm gotta think of a name for attorney friend... He is attractive, extremely intelligent and was always well known and well liked... And I can't seem to think of an appropriate name so I guess Attorney Friend will have to do.
... so; Especially coming form an Attorney Friend.
SO, naturally, (or not) I later found myself questioning my motives a bit. Was I fishing for the compliments? Was I fishing for his comment about how some women really do underestimate their appeal?
Maybe a little I was. I think if I am being completely honest I am certain that came into a subconscious play. But I was also truth seeking. Am I more than I think to men? I have come to accept that, at times, I probably am.
And it is tempting to believe that maybe it was that way with Dear Perri Cherie. That maybe it was pretty innocent and I really am all that and a bag of chips. I want that to be the truth.
but
but
But
Those are the motives I really have to question; My motives in believing that. First why would I want to believe that and second how does it benefit me in believing that?
1. It is flattering and fun to believe that about oneself.
2. I want to believe in the good in others and I want more than anything to believe that Mr. Cherie is all that I felt and believed he was.
3. I loved him and maybe if that is true there is still a chance that things can be worked out for the best for everyone... Maybe I really can get resolution there and with the Neuroscience Institute. Maybe I really could help them and they me. Maybe, if I try again, in a different form, they will listen this time...
and already do you see the slippery slope this kind of thinking and flattery absorption can start heading me down?
So what is the benefit in me believing that?
Believing this maybe can get me out of the burden of conscience that tells me I have to report him.
Other than that, in all reality, I don't think there are any other benefits to thinking that way.
However there are a whole lot of problems that come with thinking that way, especially considering the intensity of my feelings and perceptions and my trust and faith in him (and his institution).
So, though it may be tempting to allow myself to be so flattered, I do not think that is a good rabbit hole to head down.
So I counter with the facts and what I know from personal experience and research. And I find it is important to remember that he has shown time and time again, that he does not care, that it was not as I perceived it to be and that he will do anything, no matter the expense to me, to protect himself from the mistakes HE made with me (even though I was never a threat).
In reality I know I was simply a toy for him. When I broke from his games, he was scared and he did not care about what happened to me. He also knew, a bit too well, how to cover and hide his mistakes. The Institution he works for did not heed any red flags on my behalf. They did not listen to the symptoms I was manifesting, they jumped on the denial and trying to pass me off to others without a clear picture of exactly what they were passing off for and why. It was all a cover up. They made me out to be things I was not and he used everything he could against me.
In reality, even if it was something so flattering, I was the one who was absolutely blamed, shamed and stigmatized by the people who had absolute power over me and my records. They have the power to check whatever boxes they wanted. They have the power to make it difficult to figure anything out at all and they did, even when it broke me more and was literally burning me out and down.
That is not so flattering.
And in reality I know that we are never the only one.
So as much as I would love to believe that this man "innocently" fell for me, I know that is not the truth or the whole picture.
and
And
AND
People need to understand that psychologist are trained to know better and behave better. Even if it was innocent, it was not at all appropriate for the fault, burdens, and consequences of his irresponsibility to fall so heavily on me and me alone. He knows better. He knows better in a lot of ways. He knows he screwed me up and if he really truly does not, then he really truly is incompetent and maybe should to be removed for his position.
Attorney Friend and I talk about some of these points, though not all, and Attorney Friend recognizes the level differences in his position of power over me. We were not on a level playing field and even if, at one point/moment, we were, Dear Perri worked hard to imbalance that power again to his favor. Thus it became, not simply misunderstanding or innocent mistakes but an abuse of power.
Even my husband, who knows I am not a willing victim, has pointed out that it was not just simple misconduct or malpractice but it was abuse. Abuse of power and authority over another. Abuse of affections. And maybe even utilizing flattery to manipulate.
I wish I could believe the flattery but that only proves to hurt me and others.
I do wonder though, if maybe he can't let go of the flattery I was to him and his ego; the flattery of believing I was simply obsessed with him. Whatever it is, it has not been at all fair to me and that is not what people do to people they genuinely care about. That is not how honest or innocent doctors treat patients that they care about.
I was a toy.
That did not play the way he wanted me to.
That is all.
and I am processed out.
.
Tools in my belt:
Thinking things through
Being realistic
Ability to forgive
Ability to speak and listen with an open heart and an open mind
Honesty with myself
Balancing the flattery and criticism
Gratitude
Standing up and speaking out when necessary.
and patient Attorney Friends who take the time to be a friend when they can.
I think it might be worthwhile to dedicate my entries to tools. The tools I have and that I utilize that make me a success story in the world of Mental Health and TBI.
I also think I may need to explain the reality of my mental health related and TBI issues but I don't want to devote too much time to that today.
And I still like the idea of using this blog to continue to help me process as I write out some of my experiences, emotions and thinking.
So maybe todays highlighted tool is the tool of writing it out. It can be a very helpful process in sorting thoughts and feelings. When I allow myself to write it out it really helps me see and sort what I am experiencing internally. I can also use it to guide me into a direction. I can let it out and then turn it around. I can write to real and/or imagined audiences. I can be noble or selfish and all shades in between in my aspirations. etc. etc.
Today I met with my accident attorney who also is an old casual friend from junior high and high school. I am grateful to have him as my attorney. He is honest and forthright with me. He tells me the reality of the situation from what he knows on his side of things. He has also been quite patient with me when I was rather lost in alternate realities, when I was suspicious and untrusting of him as well, when I was sure I was going to need to dump him and try to settle things with the insurance company on my own because my whole world was falling apart and I felt I could not trust anyone nor afford them because I was certain I would be entirely alone soon. I am grateful he was patient and understanding as much as he could be when I later realized the errors of my unstable thinking and distrust of him.
Today I got to meet with him in person and we had good conversation. I love good conversation with people. We covered a lot of ground. Some relevant to my case with the car accident, some relevant to the malpractice pursuit and other just-conversation-stuff that wove in and out of relevance to why I was there.
At one point he asked if it is possible that what happened with Dr. He might have been mostly innocent. My friend gave me a bit of the male perspective, explaining how stupid men can be when they are ... not sure how to word this, I supposed sexually driven is the most direct route; but attracted and other words were closer to what he used. He wonders if it was a more innocent flirting kind of situation and that maybe, deep down, Mr. He hoped would go somewhere physical.
Here is where psychology gets funny, stupid and interesting.
I find myself testing this friend with words like, "do you really think I hold that much power?" "Do you really think I am that special? And that I am the only one?" and "Do you really think I am capable of breaking a neuropsychologist to that level?"
Intellectually we all know better than to believe this if we break down the reality of the situation and look at the level of his power position over me.
Yet men will suggest to me that I hold this kind of power.
Which, I have to admit, is really flattering. Especially coming from a ...hmm gotta think of a name for attorney friend... He is attractive, extremely intelligent and was always well known and well liked... And I can't seem to think of an appropriate name so I guess Attorney Friend will have to do.
... so; Especially coming form an Attorney Friend.
SO, naturally, (or not) I later found myself questioning my motives a bit. Was I fishing for the compliments? Was I fishing for his comment about how some women really do underestimate their appeal?
Maybe a little I was. I think if I am being completely honest I am certain that came into a subconscious play. But I was also truth seeking. Am I more than I think to men? I have come to accept that, at times, I probably am.
And it is tempting to believe that maybe it was that way with Dear Perri Cherie. That maybe it was pretty innocent and I really am all that and a bag of chips. I want that to be the truth.
but
but
But
Those are the motives I really have to question; My motives in believing that. First why would I want to believe that and second how does it benefit me in believing that?
1. It is flattering and fun to believe that about oneself.
2. I want to believe in the good in others and I want more than anything to believe that Mr. Cherie is all that I felt and believed he was.
3. I loved him and maybe if that is true there is still a chance that things can be worked out for the best for everyone... Maybe I really can get resolution there and with the Neuroscience Institute. Maybe I really could help them and they me. Maybe, if I try again, in a different form, they will listen this time...
and already do you see the slippery slope this kind of thinking and flattery absorption can start heading me down?
So what is the benefit in me believing that?
Believing this maybe can get me out of the burden of conscience that tells me I have to report him.
Other than that, in all reality, I don't think there are any other benefits to thinking that way.
However there are a whole lot of problems that come with thinking that way, especially considering the intensity of my feelings and perceptions and my trust and faith in him (and his institution).
So, though it may be tempting to allow myself to be so flattered, I do not think that is a good rabbit hole to head down.
So I counter with the facts and what I know from personal experience and research. And I find it is important to remember that he has shown time and time again, that he does not care, that it was not as I perceived it to be and that he will do anything, no matter the expense to me, to protect himself from the mistakes HE made with me (even though I was never a threat).
In reality I know I was simply a toy for him. When I broke from his games, he was scared and he did not care about what happened to me. He also knew, a bit too well, how to cover and hide his mistakes. The Institution he works for did not heed any red flags on my behalf. They did not listen to the symptoms I was manifesting, they jumped on the denial and trying to pass me off to others without a clear picture of exactly what they were passing off for and why. It was all a cover up. They made me out to be things I was not and he used everything he could against me.
In reality, even if it was something so flattering, I was the one who was absolutely blamed, shamed and stigmatized by the people who had absolute power over me and my records. They have the power to check whatever boxes they wanted. They have the power to make it difficult to figure anything out at all and they did, even when it broke me more and was literally burning me out and down.
That is not so flattering.
And in reality I know that we are never the only one.
So as much as I would love to believe that this man "innocently" fell for me, I know that is not the truth or the whole picture.
and
And
AND
People need to understand that psychologist are trained to know better and behave better. Even if it was innocent, it was not at all appropriate for the fault, burdens, and consequences of his irresponsibility to fall so heavily on me and me alone. He knows better. He knows better in a lot of ways. He knows he screwed me up and if he really truly does not, then he really truly is incompetent and maybe should to be removed for his position.
Attorney Friend and I talk about some of these points, though not all, and Attorney Friend recognizes the level differences in his position of power over me. We were not on a level playing field and even if, at one point/moment, we were, Dear Perri worked hard to imbalance that power again to his favor. Thus it became, not simply misunderstanding or innocent mistakes but an abuse of power.
Even my husband, who knows I am not a willing victim, has pointed out that it was not just simple misconduct or malpractice but it was abuse. Abuse of power and authority over another. Abuse of affections. And maybe even utilizing flattery to manipulate.
I wish I could believe the flattery but that only proves to hurt me and others.
I do wonder though, if maybe he can't let go of the flattery I was to him and his ego; the flattery of believing I was simply obsessed with him. Whatever it is, it has not been at all fair to me and that is not what people do to people they genuinely care about. That is not how honest or innocent doctors treat patients that they care about.
I was a toy.
That did not play the way he wanted me to.
That is all.
and I am processed out.
.
Tools in my belt:
Thinking things through
Being realistic
Ability to forgive
Ability to speak and listen with an open heart and an open mind
Honesty with myself
Balancing the flattery and criticism
Gratitude
Standing up and speaking out when necessary.
and patient Attorney Friends who take the time to be a friend when they can.
Monday, July 6, 2020
Sorrow and Passion
Life is so full of disappointments. You think you have chosen correctly. You think you are doing the right thing for yourself or your family only to have circumstances, completely beyond your control, stop your plans dead in their tracks.
Yesterday, while driving with my family, I noticed a Juniper looking tree that was perfectly tear drop shaped on one side while the other sides branches broke the perfect symmetry by jutting out just below the neck of the tear drop where the plump body begins to curve. Those branches took a shape more similar to fire than to water.
I thought it curious and I wanted to paint a shape like that.
Today, as I pondered our families most recent disappointment and heart break, I thought it might be a good time to allow myself to paint that shape.
This is one of my very few, somewhat intentional paintings. It is meant to be pondered.
I don’t claim talent or skill at painting, but I do believe it to be a healthy outlet and one of the more luxurious tools I am very fortunate and grateful to have in my tool belt. And I’m immensely grateful for my sister-in-law who introduced me to this tool and taught me how to utilize it in beneficial ways. 💕
Yesterday, while driving with my family, I noticed a Juniper looking tree that was perfectly tear drop shaped on one side while the other sides branches broke the perfect symmetry by jutting out just below the neck of the tear drop where the plump body begins to curve. Those branches took a shape more similar to fire than to water.
I thought it curious and I wanted to paint a shape like that.
Today, as I pondered our families most recent disappointment and heart break, I thought it might be a good time to allow myself to paint that shape.
This is one of my very few, somewhat intentional paintings. It is meant to be pondered.
Friday, July 3, 2020
A Success Story
Sometimes I have so much in my head I can't get any one thing done. Right now is like that but FORTUNATELY it is not the racing manic variety. Right now it is a matter of where to start and how to accomplish those things I feel are my life's purpose.
It is trying to keep straight all that I need to get back to, all that I need to start, and all that I have to do regularly everyday.
I have a lot to sort and make decisions about.
I need to prioritize and maybe even let go of some of my dreams and previous goals.
And sometimes that can be a bit overwhelming
especially for a brain that is inclined to be deficient in "executive functioning"
and that has lower cognitive stamina
but a whole lot of good ideas, hope, and passion etc.
blah blah blah...
So ramble, I will, because this free flow format is often more productive for me than my structured plans.
Dr. She
I like her.
Sometimes I am not sure if I can really trust her, but I keep choosing to anyway and that still seems to be most effective. Monday we covered a lot. I told her how I felt a bit betrayed by some of the wording in her neuropsychological evaluation of me. I told her how I felt a little betrayed by how she responded to the idea of me going back to school that day. I told her how I decided to handle and work through these issues in my mind. I told her how it is possible because medication is working and because I am not the negative stereotypes reported in the whatever test that has the negative wording. I told her how I realized some of my feelings of betrayal were exactly what she warned me about in regards to the wording of that one test report. We had some very good conversation. There were moments where I think she was a little nervous and concerned that I was misinterpreting her and her intentions. Their were moments I was worried she would misinterpret me and my intentions. But you know what? We worked through it.
Ahhh and big sigh of extra satisfied relief.
Now on to this idea of going back to get a masters or, preferably, a PHD in the field of psychology:
Dr. She has said so many things that have encouraged me and I was under the impression that she really liked this idea and even thought I could really make a difference, have an impact. This is why I felt a bit betrayed when she put so much emphasis on how hard it would be for me because of my deficits. It stung a bit. I had to make a choice.
My choice to trust her suggested to me the idea that maybe she just wanted to make sure I understood the reality.
She confirmed this in our conversation on Monday. She does not want me to go into it blind or with unrealistic expectations of myself because she fears how that might effect me. I am glad. And I am glad that her doubt was expressed because it also lit a bit of a fire as my internal dialogue boldly demanded, "well what the hell else am I going to do?"
You see, no matter what I do it is going to wear me out. That is the reality of my new norm. Any full time job is pretty unrealistic if I care to have any emotional stability or energy left for anything else. So I might as well do something I am passionate about, have a lot of experience with and knowledge about, and that I want to do.
I explained to Dr. She what I know and how I feel I will need to play to my strengths of experience. I reassured her that if that does not work then I don't want to be in the industry anyway.
She liked this idea of me utilizing and playing to my strength of experience and said something about how the industry loves a success story...
... and that there is what makes me smile
even tear up a little.
because
I AM a success story.
I have succeeded at managing and/or overcoming TBI, suicidal drives, depression, anxiety, a whole lot of negative thinking patterns, hypomania, PTSD, and mania -to name a few. None of those are small feats but the last, mania, that's an especially big deal that I am pretty proud of. Especially considering the context, circumstances and opposition I had.
And the suicidal stuff, I am pretty proud of that too because I have overcome and beat a significant many forms of that creature. Some very powerful.
And I am happy. I am grateful. I have a beautiful life, a sense of meaning, purpose, satisfaction and self.
So I am a success story!
I could end there, and maybe I should because the next point I would like to make merits its own venue and series,
but I will not end there because this next point is so important to my success I feel it should never be left out.
Over the last few days I have reflected on why and how I am a success story and I have come to find that I love my success story and how truly beautiful it is because it is not just me and my story;
My success story is a tapestry of so many people and influences.
I am only a success because of the help I have had from others.
Even when I was so very alone, I was not without assistance and I was not completely alone. I could have easily continued down the progressive path of isolation. I could have easily become absolutely alone, but I did not. Instead I continued to choose to let people in and to trust even when I knew I could not. I continued to fight to recognize the positives I had from other people past and present. As safe guarded as I was, and needed to be, I continued to reach out and I continued to try to connect with other people in positive ways. And fortunately enough people responded with enough positive regard. Fortunately I had built enough of a foundation of positive personal development with the help of others. Fortunately I had chosen to let into my mind and heart enough influence from professionals and people from so many walks of life that when I was at rock bottom I did have a solid foundation to build on, even if in that moment I really was completely alone.
There really is no such thing as an entirely self-made man.
Success is impossible to achieve entirely alone -unless being entirely alone and entirely self sufficient is a persons definition of success.
Ultimately we ARE all in this together and we need other people.
Ultimately my success is your success and that is exactly why I am a success story.
And what a truly beautiful story we are.
💕
It is trying to keep straight all that I need to get back to, all that I need to start, and all that I have to do regularly everyday.
I have a lot to sort and make decisions about.
I need to prioritize and maybe even let go of some of my dreams and previous goals.
And sometimes that can be a bit overwhelming
especially for a brain that is inclined to be deficient in "executive functioning"
and that has lower cognitive stamina
but a whole lot of good ideas, hope, and passion etc.
blah blah blah...
So ramble, I will, because this free flow format is often more productive for me than my structured plans.
Dr. She
I like her.
Sometimes I am not sure if I can really trust her, but I keep choosing to anyway and that still seems to be most effective. Monday we covered a lot. I told her how I felt a bit betrayed by some of the wording in her neuropsychological evaluation of me. I told her how I felt a little betrayed by how she responded to the idea of me going back to school that day. I told her how I decided to handle and work through these issues in my mind. I told her how it is possible because medication is working and because I am not the negative stereotypes reported in the whatever test that has the negative wording. I told her how I realized some of my feelings of betrayal were exactly what she warned me about in regards to the wording of that one test report. We had some very good conversation. There were moments where I think she was a little nervous and concerned that I was misinterpreting her and her intentions. Their were moments I was worried she would misinterpret me and my intentions. But you know what? We worked through it.
Ahhh and big sigh of extra satisfied relief.
Now on to this idea of going back to get a masters or, preferably, a PHD in the field of psychology:
Dr. She has said so many things that have encouraged me and I was under the impression that she really liked this idea and even thought I could really make a difference, have an impact. This is why I felt a bit betrayed when she put so much emphasis on how hard it would be for me because of my deficits. It stung a bit. I had to make a choice.
My choice to trust her suggested to me the idea that maybe she just wanted to make sure I understood the reality.
She confirmed this in our conversation on Monday. She does not want me to go into it blind or with unrealistic expectations of myself because she fears how that might effect me. I am glad. And I am glad that her doubt was expressed because it also lit a bit of a fire as my internal dialogue boldly demanded, "well what the hell else am I going to do?"
You see, no matter what I do it is going to wear me out. That is the reality of my new norm. Any full time job is pretty unrealistic if I care to have any emotional stability or energy left for anything else. So I might as well do something I am passionate about, have a lot of experience with and knowledge about, and that I want to do.
I explained to Dr. She what I know and how I feel I will need to play to my strengths of experience. I reassured her that if that does not work then I don't want to be in the industry anyway.
She liked this idea of me utilizing and playing to my strength of experience and said something about how the industry loves a success story...
... and that there is what makes me smile
even tear up a little.
because
I AM a success story.
I have succeeded at managing and/or overcoming TBI, suicidal drives, depression, anxiety, a whole lot of negative thinking patterns, hypomania, PTSD, and mania -to name a few. None of those are small feats but the last, mania, that's an especially big deal that I am pretty proud of. Especially considering the context, circumstances and opposition I had.
And the suicidal stuff, I am pretty proud of that too because I have overcome and beat a significant many forms of that creature. Some very powerful.
And I am happy. I am grateful. I have a beautiful life, a sense of meaning, purpose, satisfaction and self.
So I am a success story!
I could end there, and maybe I should because the next point I would like to make merits its own venue and series,
but I will not end there because this next point is so important to my success I feel it should never be left out.
Over the last few days I have reflected on why and how I am a success story and I have come to find that I love my success story and how truly beautiful it is because it is not just me and my story;
My success story is a tapestry of so many people and influences.
I am only a success because of the help I have had from others.
Even when I was so very alone, I was not without assistance and I was not completely alone. I could have easily continued down the progressive path of isolation. I could have easily become absolutely alone, but I did not. Instead I continued to choose to let people in and to trust even when I knew I could not. I continued to fight to recognize the positives I had from other people past and present. As safe guarded as I was, and needed to be, I continued to reach out and I continued to try to connect with other people in positive ways. And fortunately enough people responded with enough positive regard. Fortunately I had built enough of a foundation of positive personal development with the help of others. Fortunately I had chosen to let into my mind and heart enough influence from professionals and people from so many walks of life that when I was at rock bottom I did have a solid foundation to build on, even if in that moment I really was completely alone.
There really is no such thing as an entirely self-made man.
Success is impossible to achieve entirely alone -unless being entirely alone and entirely self sufficient is a persons definition of success.
Ultimately we ARE all in this together and we need other people.
Ultimately my success is your success and that is exactly why I am a success story.
And what a truly beautiful story we are.
💕
Tuesday, June 30, 2020
Simply Put
If we want to actually help people with TBI and/or mental illnesses then the industries, doctors, therapist, and institutions that serve them need to stop perpetuating the negative stigmas and misconceptions,
They need to start having intelligent conversations with them,
AND
THEY HAVE GOT TO STOP PUNISHING PEOPLE WHO ARE ACTUALLY HANDLING/MANAGING THEIR MENTAL ILLNESSES AND/OR TBI WELL.
They need to start having intelligent conversations with them,
AND
THEY HAVE GOT TO STOP PUNISHING PEOPLE WHO ARE ACTUALLY HANDLING/MANAGING THEIR MENTAL ILLNESSES AND/OR TBI WELL.
Sunday, June 28, 2020
Intermountain Neuroscience Institute of Murray, Utah did not order a MRI for TBI
I went to the Neuroscience Institute for head injury and they didn't do any brain scans.
I am listening to Ted Talks, specifically this one: The most important lesson from 83,000 scans
I once read a book, Change Your Brain, Change Your Life, by this same man Dr. Daniel Amen, and it was actaully life changing for me. Not only did it help me understand my own brain better and how to work with it I understood my husband, the poster child for ADHD, better and how to function better with him. So when Dr. Amen talks I listen.
In addition to this here are some other things I have learned about how our brains work:
As a human grows and develops their brain learns how to function differently. With adequate resources our brains can become quite effective and efficient processing machines. All brains will develop shortcuts and there has been enough scientific research done that we know that certain areas have certain jobs and/or are more efficient at accomplishing certain tasks.
With TBI and mTBI/concussion these systems are upset. The brain gets shaken and lit up. It does not process effectively and efficiently anymore. It may be able to get back to what it was before, but if areas are damaged enough, it cannot return to those pathways. A damaged brain has to learn new ways of functioning. It has to figure out new routes and shortcuts. It has to utilize different areas to accomplish the tasks it was able to do before using the now degraded area... as I write this I am simultaneously reflecting and it is starting to make some sense why initially I actually seemed to have some heightened abilities immediately after the car accident. It is like my daughter walking home on hear broken foot, adrenaline pumped by the pain of the break and the pain of knowing her cousin caused it (thought she did not mean to). Her bodies will to utilize it's last bit of strength and life before the reality of the break set in and she could not even put weight on it without significant pain. Likely worsened by the act of walking on it when it was broken.
My damaged brain may have acted similarly after the auto accident. I knew it was damaged, I knew it was not nothing, but a deep subconscious fear of being handled the way I had been when I experienced a broken brain like that before woke me and kept me functioning to deceptive levels. The adrenaline and endorphins, the muscle memory and life experiences kept the bleeding portions functioning at max capacity for as long as they could before they faded and died.
I could be wrong but I am fairly certain something like this really did happen in my head. MRI's done over two years after provide evidence of this. Thus, the long processing, ruminating, and solving is something that I cannot shut down. It is necessary. It is how my broken brain is working to find new routes and to try to reestablish the self that it was, or to create a new self that is efficient and comfortable that I can be happy with.
Broken brains require patience and support.
...All this long processing and trying to place exactly what went wrong and why, when it is so very simple:
I went to a Neuroscience Institute for a second head injury and they did not do a brain scan. Even as increased evidence surfaced that there was more going on then previously thought and even when I kept trying to tell them this.
How stupid is that?
One ex-friend (who ultimately was just afraid to defend), insisted I need to question my own motives. I do question my own motives, and I wish I could let the Neuroscience Institute be. But in reality? WHAT THE HELL? There is something very wrong with this picture isn't there? And then they blame, shame, stigmatize, slander, defame, and punish me for it? Yes, there is something very wrong with this picture.
And I wonder is the root of the problem with them just as simple as: Here in lies the problem with institutions practicing defensive medicine after one provider has made a mistake? Or here in lies the problem with doctors not listening to the experts from the other side of their profession? Or is it simply evidence of how lemming like people really are as they all followed suite after the first doctor made the mistake of misdiagnosing?
Maybe all three, but very clear and simple problems to address if only they would. It is by not, by refusing to be responsible citizens and acting with foolish fear and disregard for human life that harm is increased and perpetuated and societies/communities begin to break down.
I am listening to Ted Talks, specifically this one: The most important lesson from 83,000 scans
I once read a book, Change Your Brain, Change Your Life, by this same man Dr. Daniel Amen, and it was actaully life changing for me. Not only did it help me understand my own brain better and how to work with it I understood my husband, the poster child for ADHD, better and how to function better with him. So when Dr. Amen talks I listen.
In addition to this here are some other things I have learned about how our brains work:
As a human grows and develops their brain learns how to function differently. With adequate resources our brains can become quite effective and efficient processing machines. All brains will develop shortcuts and there has been enough scientific research done that we know that certain areas have certain jobs and/or are more efficient at accomplishing certain tasks.
With TBI and mTBI/concussion these systems are upset. The brain gets shaken and lit up. It does not process effectively and efficiently anymore. It may be able to get back to what it was before, but if areas are damaged enough, it cannot return to those pathways. A damaged brain has to learn new ways of functioning. It has to figure out new routes and shortcuts. It has to utilize different areas to accomplish the tasks it was able to do before using the now degraded area... as I write this I am simultaneously reflecting and it is starting to make some sense why initially I actually seemed to have some heightened abilities immediately after the car accident. It is like my daughter walking home on hear broken foot, adrenaline pumped by the pain of the break and the pain of knowing her cousin caused it (thought she did not mean to). Her bodies will to utilize it's last bit of strength and life before the reality of the break set in and she could not even put weight on it without significant pain. Likely worsened by the act of walking on it when it was broken.
My damaged brain may have acted similarly after the auto accident. I knew it was damaged, I knew it was not nothing, but a deep subconscious fear of being handled the way I had been when I experienced a broken brain like that before woke me and kept me functioning to deceptive levels. The adrenaline and endorphins, the muscle memory and life experiences kept the bleeding portions functioning at max capacity for as long as they could before they faded and died.
I could be wrong but I am fairly certain something like this really did happen in my head. MRI's done over two years after provide evidence of this. Thus, the long processing, ruminating, and solving is something that I cannot shut down. It is necessary. It is how my broken brain is working to find new routes and to try to reestablish the self that it was, or to create a new self that is efficient and comfortable that I can be happy with.
Broken brains require patience and support.
...All this long processing and trying to place exactly what went wrong and why, when it is so very simple:
I went to a Neuroscience Institute for a second head injury and they did not do a brain scan. Even as increased evidence surfaced that there was more going on then previously thought and even when I kept trying to tell them this.
How stupid is that?
One ex-friend (who ultimately was just afraid to defend), insisted I need to question my own motives. I do question my own motives, and I wish I could let the Neuroscience Institute be. But in reality? WHAT THE HELL? There is something very wrong with this picture isn't there? And then they blame, shame, stigmatize, slander, defame, and punish me for it? Yes, there is something very wrong with this picture.
And I wonder is the root of the problem with them just as simple as: Here in lies the problem with institutions practicing defensive medicine after one provider has made a mistake? Or here in lies the problem with doctors not listening to the experts from the other side of their profession? Or is it simply evidence of how lemming like people really are as they all followed suite after the first doctor made the mistake of misdiagnosing?
Maybe all three, but very clear and simple problems to address if only they would. It is by not, by refusing to be responsible citizens and acting with foolish fear and disregard for human life that harm is increased and perpetuated and societies/communities begin to break down.
Friday, June 26, 2020
I Want To Ride My Bicycle
On Monday I had the follow up after the neuropsychological evaluation with Dr. She. Nothing terribly surprising to me but a few things surprising to her, like my reading comprehension is lower than she expected. I agree and this is a source of some grief and frustration since it is a task that is still noticeably more difficult than it was prior to the auto accident. My reading comprehension has always been very good to excellent but after the first TBI I believe I had a marked decrease because throughout my life after that I have been a slower reader and much more easily distracted by my thoughts thus I often had to reread things. Yet, it has never been as difficult as it has been since the car accident. It has improved and sometimes my power of concentration on reading is better than others, but it is noticeably lower, which is annoying.
My cognitive stamina showed to be lower and my processing speed is lower. This is, again, something that I know was a bit lower prior to the car accident but is noticeably lower after the car accident. The strange thing is, immediately after, some of my processing speed actually seemed quicker for a bit. Now I am just slower.
To be clear, I am not slower or lower than the average person in most of these deficits of mine, I am just significanlty slower and lower than would be expected based on the measures of my intelligence. My verbal language something-or-other is also lower than to be expected but, again, not surprising due to the location of my injuries. I have long felt I struggle to articulate to my level of intelligence.
Anyway a bit of rambling that I did not really come to write about. I think this may be some avoidance...
So into the meat, my real purpose today.
A couple of things on the report upset me. It was the language and explanation of my results according to the Millon Clinical Multiaxial Inventroy test. I knew when I was taking the test what some of the questions were getting at and I was concerned it would paint me in a light that is not accurate of me as a whole, but, being the being that I am, I had to answer honestly and due to my recent circumstances I am (or was at the time of testing) a bit untrusting, to say the least. But the wording in the results is very negatively worded and very stigmatizing. Anyway, it upset me. It is bullshit spreading of misconceptions of mental health issues, particularly bipolar. It had me feeling down and I wondered if I can trust Dr. She. It had me questioning her and her intentions. I was second guessing myself and my judgement again.
but
but
But
I decided
I am done.
I am not going to let people dictate anymore who I am based on their ignorant and bias misconceptions or preconceived notions. I am also not going to hide me anymore. I get hurt by being honest, and people judge me sometimes because I share way too much. But the thing is, and dear mirror sister Renée once again helped me put it to words better, people are blaming, shaming, judging anyway, so I might as well speak out, speak up and live my truth. At least then I am standing up and speaking out about issues that are important to me and I have found that very often I help someone else by doing so.
Monday I also decided that I am done with carrying the burden of knowing that dear Perri Cherie could be a grooming psychologist and/or brilliant manipulative mastermind.
I have a lawyer (that I did not want to hire but had to to defend myself) that said I either have nothing or a thousand things. I reminded him of the letter from their lawyer and he knows I have a thousand things. It is overwhelming. But he is working on what he can and I am feeling better about waiting to file the reports I know I need to. He does have to make it about money, it is his job and livelihood, so I can be okay with that and really we deserve to have some of our expenses and burdens from this rectified.
But waiting to file reports, waiting to try and stop or prevent harm to others is a heavy burden. Knowing how I was handled and how much harm they collectively caused burdens me significantly knowing that other very vulnerable and broken people might be being harmed as well. And it haunts me a bit because "you know others are not as strong."
So I did what I could and wrote an honest google review and a few other reviews on Dr. He. It is not what I want to do it is not what I want to believe, but as Jordan Peterson and others points out, as adults we need to put away our childish naivety... I cannot ignore all of the red flags and the deviance. I cannot keep ignoring how he has used everything he can against me and has work to paint me in a bad light just to cover and protect himself. It cannot ignore the inceptions and the twisting of my thoughts those symptoms they were denying. Or the way things were twisted and then accusing me of twisting things that I did not (like my son calling them when I told him not to and then they have a lawyer accuse me of "causing my underage son to call"). I cannot keep giving them the benefit of the doubt when they have hurt me and my family, disregarded me, tried to discard me, used me, played games with me, etc. every time I have asked for help and clarification since the events that transpired with Dr. He that broke me.
Whatever is happening there is bigger than me, that much I am sure of, because they have worked very hard to keep me silenced and to deny any mistakes and wrongdoing even when doing so was causing significant harm and could have cost my life. They have shamed and blamed me, feigned care while ostracizing and then exiling when I could have been a highly beneficial case study for them.
And I am done blaming myself or allowing others to blame me. It is so ridiculous how all the literature, philosophies, rules and guidelines in psychology say I should not be blamed and yet in reality I am not only being blamed but also shamed, stigmatized, slandered, and silenced.
I am done being broken by this.
Medication is working and I have worked hard to stay ahead of my chemistry and the madness that was raging inside and out. I have put in the time and energy and it is time for what I have been working so hard for to click.
So Monday was something like learning to ride a bicycle;
I have been working so hard for so long, understanding the mechanics and physics of it, knowing what it is and how to do it but just not quite having the balance right to actually ride this allegoric bike. So when I was faced with what felt like another hit to my balance, I looked at the bike and had to decide, do I want to give it up and be done trying to ride a bicycle -I'll just stick to walking- or do I give it one more try? With determination I decided to try and I got it. I was able to balance it out and ride. I let go of the tethers that have been burdening me and holding me back and I let go of everybody else's' fears, their "ohs," "ahs," and their lurching forward "becarefuls." I said, "to hell with all you all that say I should stick to walking and/or that don't think I am capable." I got back on the bike
tried again
and rode upright on two wheels without any outside assistance.
I felt positive, and happy. A happy that wasn't my chemistry pushing back against medication.
A weight lifted knowing that I have done all I possibly can trying to reconcile and address what needs to be addressed on my behalf. I have gone above and beyond trying to reconcile, giving the benefit of the doubt, and seeking first to understand. I have put them before me. I tried to do what they asked every time. I honored there positions and training. I tried to have intelligent and responsible conversations about what they were missing and what I was trying to figure out. But ultimately they are scared and dishonest when they are the ones holding all the cards. Exactly what I stumbled onto I really don't know. It is too bad they cannot see the value I could be to them, because it was the muscle memory of handling trauma and damage from the first TBI that picked up on their deviance even before I did. My brain has figured out tricks to help accommodate for things like slower processing, emotional instability, distractibility, language recall, etc. and these tricks caught them red handed long before I was willing to admit their deviance. So I am satisfied with the effort I have made and I am even proud of myself.
Happy, confident, secure in who I am. I am allowing myself to be proud of me and what and how I have managed with so much opposition.
Will it hold this time? So much of this sounds so very familiar doesn't it?
Honestly, I don't know, but also I do and the answer is not likely black and white. This time I have the stabilizing help of accurate diagnosis and medication. I also have determination. And I have the knowledge that I have done this before and I can do it again. Maybe I have not broken to that level and I have been forever altered, but through it I have learned so very much about myself.
And I HAVE overcome before. I can do it again.
This time with new understanding and insight and even more power than before because, this time, I am overcoming powers that are far greater than me.
I got this. And I am proud of me.
I will choose to trust again. I will continue to love. I will continue to hope and pray for the Neuroscience Institute and the providers I had their. I will continue to hope that others will see that I am not so scary. But now, if they don't or won't, then that is on them and I can still love and be happy with me.
My cognitive stamina showed to be lower and my processing speed is lower. This is, again, something that I know was a bit lower prior to the car accident but is noticeably lower after the car accident. The strange thing is, immediately after, some of my processing speed actually seemed quicker for a bit. Now I am just slower.
To be clear, I am not slower or lower than the average person in most of these deficits of mine, I am just significanlty slower and lower than would be expected based on the measures of my intelligence. My verbal language something-or-other is also lower than to be expected but, again, not surprising due to the location of my injuries. I have long felt I struggle to articulate to my level of intelligence.
Anyway a bit of rambling that I did not really come to write about. I think this may be some avoidance...
So into the meat, my real purpose today.
A couple of things on the report upset me. It was the language and explanation of my results according to the Millon Clinical Multiaxial Inventroy test. I knew when I was taking the test what some of the questions were getting at and I was concerned it would paint me in a light that is not accurate of me as a whole, but, being the being that I am, I had to answer honestly and due to my recent circumstances I am (or was at the time of testing) a bit untrusting, to say the least. But the wording in the results is very negatively worded and very stigmatizing. Anyway, it upset me. It is bullshit spreading of misconceptions of mental health issues, particularly bipolar. It had me feeling down and I wondered if I can trust Dr. She. It had me questioning her and her intentions. I was second guessing myself and my judgement again.
but
but
But
I decided
I am done.
I am not going to let people dictate anymore who I am based on their ignorant and bias misconceptions or preconceived notions. I am also not going to hide me anymore. I get hurt by being honest, and people judge me sometimes because I share way too much. But the thing is, and dear mirror sister Renée once again helped me put it to words better, people are blaming, shaming, judging anyway, so I might as well speak out, speak up and live my truth. At least then I am standing up and speaking out about issues that are important to me and I have found that very often I help someone else by doing so.
Monday I also decided that I am done with carrying the burden of knowing that dear Perri Cherie could be a grooming psychologist and/or brilliant manipulative mastermind.
I have a lawyer (that I did not want to hire but had to to defend myself) that said I either have nothing or a thousand things. I reminded him of the letter from their lawyer and he knows I have a thousand things. It is overwhelming. But he is working on what he can and I am feeling better about waiting to file the reports I know I need to. He does have to make it about money, it is his job and livelihood, so I can be okay with that and really we deserve to have some of our expenses and burdens from this rectified.
But waiting to file reports, waiting to try and stop or prevent harm to others is a heavy burden. Knowing how I was handled and how much harm they collectively caused burdens me significantly knowing that other very vulnerable and broken people might be being harmed as well. And it haunts me a bit because "you know others are not as strong."
So I did what I could and wrote an honest google review and a few other reviews on Dr. He. It is not what I want to do it is not what I want to believe, but as Jordan Peterson and others points out, as adults we need to put away our childish naivety... I cannot ignore all of the red flags and the deviance. I cannot keep ignoring how he has used everything he can against me and has work to paint me in a bad light just to cover and protect himself. It cannot ignore the inceptions and the twisting of my thoughts those symptoms they were denying. Or the way things were twisted and then accusing me of twisting things that I did not (like my son calling them when I told him not to and then they have a lawyer accuse me of "causing my underage son to call"). I cannot keep giving them the benefit of the doubt when they have hurt me and my family, disregarded me, tried to discard me, used me, played games with me, etc. every time I have asked for help and clarification since the events that transpired with Dr. He that broke me.
Whatever is happening there is bigger than me, that much I am sure of, because they have worked very hard to keep me silenced and to deny any mistakes and wrongdoing even when doing so was causing significant harm and could have cost my life. They have shamed and blamed me, feigned care while ostracizing and then exiling when I could have been a highly beneficial case study for them.
And I am done blaming myself or allowing others to blame me. It is so ridiculous how all the literature, philosophies, rules and guidelines in psychology say I should not be blamed and yet in reality I am not only being blamed but also shamed, stigmatized, slandered, and silenced.
I am done being broken by this.
Medication is working and I have worked hard to stay ahead of my chemistry and the madness that was raging inside and out. I have put in the time and energy and it is time for what I have been working so hard for to click.
So Monday was something like learning to ride a bicycle;
I have been working so hard for so long, understanding the mechanics and physics of it, knowing what it is and how to do it but just not quite having the balance right to actually ride this allegoric bike. So when I was faced with what felt like another hit to my balance, I looked at the bike and had to decide, do I want to give it up and be done trying to ride a bicycle -I'll just stick to walking- or do I give it one more try? With determination I decided to try and I got it. I was able to balance it out and ride. I let go of the tethers that have been burdening me and holding me back and I let go of everybody else's' fears, their "ohs," "ahs," and their lurching forward "becarefuls." I said, "to hell with all you all that say I should stick to walking and/or that don't think I am capable." I got back on the bike
tried again
and rode upright on two wheels without any outside assistance.
I felt positive, and happy. A happy that wasn't my chemistry pushing back against medication.
A weight lifted knowing that I have done all I possibly can trying to reconcile and address what needs to be addressed on my behalf. I have gone above and beyond trying to reconcile, giving the benefit of the doubt, and seeking first to understand. I have put them before me. I tried to do what they asked every time. I honored there positions and training. I tried to have intelligent and responsible conversations about what they were missing and what I was trying to figure out. But ultimately they are scared and dishonest when they are the ones holding all the cards. Exactly what I stumbled onto I really don't know. It is too bad they cannot see the value I could be to them, because it was the muscle memory of handling trauma and damage from the first TBI that picked up on their deviance even before I did. My brain has figured out tricks to help accommodate for things like slower processing, emotional instability, distractibility, language recall, etc. and these tricks caught them red handed long before I was willing to admit their deviance. So I am satisfied with the effort I have made and I am even proud of myself.
Happy, confident, secure in who I am. I am allowing myself to be proud of me and what and how I have managed with so much opposition.
Will it hold this time? So much of this sounds so very familiar doesn't it?
Honestly, I don't know, but also I do and the answer is not likely black and white. This time I have the stabilizing help of accurate diagnosis and medication. I also have determination. And I have the knowledge that I have done this before and I can do it again. Maybe I have not broken to that level and I have been forever altered, but through it I have learned so very much about myself.
And I HAVE overcome before. I can do it again.
This time with new understanding and insight and even more power than before because, this time, I am overcoming powers that are far greater than me.
I got this. And I am proud of me.
I will choose to trust again. I will continue to love. I will continue to hope and pray for the Neuroscience Institute and the providers I had their. I will continue to hope that others will see that I am not so scary. But now, if they don't or won't, then that is on them and I can still love and be happy with me.
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