At the end of my journey. I care to think.
But it seems never ending because of the shrink
ing of my brain
that really has happened.
Evidence proven on the MRI although I knew all along
but still wanted to deny.
Because then I don't have to think
about snowboarding and riding
motorcycles
or other cycles
across treacherous terrain.
And I can just keep pretending, just like everyone else,
that I really am just fine.
Miraculously recovered because neurologist 1, Dr. Church, who killed himself by-the-way, did say he was very pleased with how my young self was doing.
That was enough. Satisfied the parents. No need for anything else.
...then hit again.
Still intelligent when the
"One smart cookie" I was
said, "you should have seen me before."
because I was more.
more brain power and size
not shrunk from broadside
hit of the airbag that deployed all of its forces to "protect" my face...
"protectors" now all the deflectors of my care
protecting turned into betray.
Trust who I must
turned into dust
and I am left grabbing at thin air.
Which just isn't fair.
so unaware
of how harmful their games really are?
But they know. evidence in just how far they will go
to cover the freak show they carelessly continue to grow.
My head is tired. Tired of spinning and trying to sort all the pieces of
the culminating event. the yin and the yang, the messages playing out just as clear as the days they belonged to.
I don't understand the carelessness of that man and it breaks me again and again. I want him to be gone and my brain to be sane entirely again. but the sane and insane to contain will always remain because the feign of the trained was entirely too much for my broken brain that wanted to believe the feign and the game.
Untangle the tangles that you are not allowed to touch... Sort out with the sorts that are out.
Its not fair
and so unaware
of just how vulnerable you are
when you are hit by a car
and then people will take things too far
while defensively claiming you are,
At a time and in a place where all will agree
that blaming the client shan't be.
Countertransference implied
and then denied
Why does he hide
with no explanation or apology for the now implied misunderstanding?
So bizarre
the cancer you are
to my head
you are determined
to have dead.
"not I," said the kitten
when the big red rooster asked "who will help me let it burn out?"
...but "not I" is a lie because I did at least try
but I just could not help me die.
Even when God says
I maybe should try
to be all that is asked by this guy.
...that I know has talent and skill for the mentally ill that are that way due to TBI...
...But I will not try! thanks to Jesus man guy from the institution of younger years
And I will not try because I would rather not die
and I would rather like to believe
in the way we can change the world for the better by helping each other,
and sharing our truths no matter how hard it may be and
the reality of the ostracizing and stigmatizing that must be faced in order to be the change I must be to help proceed with the change I wish to see in this world.
To be or not to be? Die for a cause or live for change?
that is the real question
And still I know the quickest way to kill fantasy is through reality
and maybe, just maybe, that is really who/what needs to die
the fantasy of that guy
and the amassed amount or manic emotions and memories
But he will not let the fantasy die, no matter how hard I try
the fantasy won't die
because reality is absent
...because very well I present?
when I am presenting.
Maybe he still wants the fantasy to cling to-
better I die than the imaginary, the presentation of my flattery,
And the pride inside
of the egos' held by "the best"
Tuesday, May 26, 2020
Thursday, May 21, 2020
Untangling the Mirror Neurons
So I decided after the last debacle of an appointment I didn't care that the place I wanted to go to first and all along does not take my insurance, I was going to their neurologist because at very least the communication with my psychiatric PA would be easy since they are run through the same university medical system.
Now I embrace my TBIness and jump-a kind of "kersplat-splat" communicating as my dear friend Renée calls it.
-Mirror Neurons
I think that TBI magnifies those a bit.
I think that TBI makes us a bit more childlike
I think that TBI is actually what made me an effective and talented elementary school educator.
I kind of understand better how their little brains are working and processing.
I get that when our little kiddos repeat something it does not mean they understand it, or at least not completely yet. It means they are processing and trying to learn. It means they have or might be picking up on some portion of the concept and they are hopefully making progress towards a more complete understanding. I would utilize this as a teacher and use it as a tool in the reverse. I would have kids repeat things to try and help it stick. I would ask them to repeat back in their own words. I would have them repeat to a friend or try to teach the concept to each other. I would listen to how they repeated and ask clarifying questions to make sure I really understood where they were at in their learning. Now I can't take full credit for these teaching strategies because I also learned them in my teacher training college courses, but I can say most teachers I know and have worked with don't quite understand the significance and mechanisms of how and why these strategies worked. Many teachers did not utilize them fully or very often. My TBI also helped me understand that there is usually more then one way to do things. This understanding is also highly useful in working with children. It is important for them to learn if we actually want them to become creative problem solvers and not just rote conformist robots.
Here is my theory: A TBI works something similar to a child's brain because a child's brain is still firing all over the place and, as their brains develop and learn, their little brains find the fastest most efficient routes in processing and preforming different tasks. Kids' brains are working to develop the super highways of processing that adults have developed so solidly. Adult brains have learned to work so efficiently, taking those same neuro-pathways, that we know a whole lot about what area of the brain is is working and responsible for certain tasks. Adult neuro-pathways are so established and so efficient at the job they do that it can become extremely difficult for people to think outside the boxes that they were wired and trained in.
But the TBI brain has had to learn neuroplasticity. When one part is injured that is best suited for that task our brains do their very best to find a different way. So in that way, our brains can function a bit more like a child's developing brain.
And that is not always bad thing.
But it is terribly misunderstood.
Even by the professionals within the industry. Which is why they really should listen to us in more respectable ways. We are not stupid, in fact on the contrary, our brilliant broken brains can make connections that non-broken brains don't even remember exist. Sometimes at hyper speeds.
Mirror neurons are another beautifully brilliant tool we have... that sometimes causes problems, as we sometimes are not fully aware of, why, how and how much we are mirroring. We can also become easily sidetracked and forget where it is we were really trying to go. This can be good for those around us if they understand it, but it can also lead to easy abuses of us. We can be redirected fairly easily but the emotions of the other person. I believe this was happening to some degree with neurologist Dr. Untangle as her preconceived notion frustration or her misunderstanding me impatience definitely took me off track.
This happened very definitely with that one guy, Dr. P-Dr. He-Dr. Jackass or what ever I call him these days- I was easily derailed from what I was desperately trying to show him and the subject that I knew needed to be addressed, the very reason I was saying, "I can't loose you right now," because I was reacting too extreme, there was something more going on with my head, and I was, in fact, manic... But mirror neurons really liked that man, and went easily off track with him.
And TBI is likely why. But I had been misdiagnosed, it was being called a concussion, which is not small thing, but is not the same as a permeant, visible on MRI, damage causing TBI.
I can explain that too.
But mostly, if it had been recognized for what it was in the first place by the first doctor, I would not have been fired from the school I worked at, at least not the way I was, and many things would have been handled very differently, possibly even how I was handled by Dr. Jackass Perri. Sorry, Dr. Jackass, that you have progressed to that identifying tag, but I am sure you understand why and YOU KNOW YOU DESERVE IT... which actually brings me to another not-so-negative thing about us TBI'ers- I can call you that and mean it but also still love you and easily forgive with a willingness and ability to move past it for the good of all involved. We don't hold grudges the way others do. Maybe not at all. Sometimes maybe we should. I digress, but we have been broken open and we know and understand very well: human foibles, that people actually can learn and change, and that people are not as bad as the mistakes they make.
Your welcome. Also, we are either not as, or more, smart ass then we can come off... but we are definitely not as arrogant as we can seem. And these things make me laugh, maybe in my broken brain-laugh at inappropriate times- kind of way. And maybe only I and my broken brain friend Renée actually get my sense of humor, but that's okay with me.
And I just have to add one more thing about those mirror neurons we TBIers are extra sensitive to, If you think we are being a jackass or stupid it probably has more to do with those mirror neurons reflecting back you back.
Now I embrace my TBIness and jump-a kind of "kersplat-splat" communicating as my dear friend Renée calls it.
-Mirror Neurons
I think that TBI magnifies those a bit.
I think that TBI makes us a bit more childlike
I think that TBI is actually what made me an effective and talented elementary school educator.
I kind of understand better how their little brains are working and processing.
I get that when our little kiddos repeat something it does not mean they understand it, or at least not completely yet. It means they are processing and trying to learn. It means they have or might be picking up on some portion of the concept and they are hopefully making progress towards a more complete understanding. I would utilize this as a teacher and use it as a tool in the reverse. I would have kids repeat things to try and help it stick. I would ask them to repeat back in their own words. I would have them repeat to a friend or try to teach the concept to each other. I would listen to how they repeated and ask clarifying questions to make sure I really understood where they were at in their learning. Now I can't take full credit for these teaching strategies because I also learned them in my teacher training college courses, but I can say most teachers I know and have worked with don't quite understand the significance and mechanisms of how and why these strategies worked. Many teachers did not utilize them fully or very often. My TBI also helped me understand that there is usually more then one way to do things. This understanding is also highly useful in working with children. It is important for them to learn if we actually want them to become creative problem solvers and not just rote conformist robots.
Here is my theory: A TBI works something similar to a child's brain because a child's brain is still firing all over the place and, as their brains develop and learn, their little brains find the fastest most efficient routes in processing and preforming different tasks. Kids' brains are working to develop the super highways of processing that adults have developed so solidly. Adult brains have learned to work so efficiently, taking those same neuro-pathways, that we know a whole lot about what area of the brain is is working and responsible for certain tasks. Adult neuro-pathways are so established and so efficient at the job they do that it can become extremely difficult for people to think outside the boxes that they were wired and trained in.
But the TBI brain has had to learn neuroplasticity. When one part is injured that is best suited for that task our brains do their very best to find a different way. So in that way, our brains can function a bit more like a child's developing brain.
And that is not always bad thing.
But it is terribly misunderstood.
Even by the professionals within the industry. Which is why they really should listen to us in more respectable ways. We are not stupid, in fact on the contrary, our brilliant broken brains can make connections that non-broken brains don't even remember exist. Sometimes at hyper speeds.
Mirror neurons are another beautifully brilliant tool we have... that sometimes causes problems, as we sometimes are not fully aware of, why, how and how much we are mirroring. We can also become easily sidetracked and forget where it is we were really trying to go. This can be good for those around us if they understand it, but it can also lead to easy abuses of us. We can be redirected fairly easily but the emotions of the other person. I believe this was happening to some degree with neurologist Dr. Untangle as her preconceived notion frustration or her misunderstanding me impatience definitely took me off track.
This happened very definitely with that one guy, Dr. P-Dr. He-Dr. Jackass or what ever I call him these days- I was easily derailed from what I was desperately trying to show him and the subject that I knew needed to be addressed, the very reason I was saying, "I can't loose you right now," because I was reacting too extreme, there was something more going on with my head, and I was, in fact, manic... But mirror neurons really liked that man, and went easily off track with him.
And TBI is likely why. But I had been misdiagnosed, it was being called a concussion, which is not small thing, but is not the same as a permeant, visible on MRI, damage causing TBI.
I can explain that too.
But mostly, if it had been recognized for what it was in the first place by the first doctor, I would not have been fired from the school I worked at, at least not the way I was, and many things would have been handled very differently, possibly even how I was handled by Dr. Jackass Perri. Sorry, Dr. Jackass, that you have progressed to that identifying tag, but I am sure you understand why and YOU KNOW YOU DESERVE IT... which actually brings me to another not-so-negative thing about us TBI'ers- I can call you that and mean it but also still love you and easily forgive with a willingness and ability to move past it for the good of all involved. We don't hold grudges the way others do. Maybe not at all. Sometimes maybe we should. I digress, but we have been broken open and we know and understand very well: human foibles, that people actually can learn and change, and that people are not as bad as the mistakes they make.
Your welcome. Also, we are either not as, or more, smart ass then we can come off... but we are definitely not as arrogant as we can seem. And these things make me laugh, maybe in my broken brain-laugh at inappropriate times- kind of way. And maybe only I and my broken brain friend Renée actually get my sense of humor, but that's okay with me.
And I just have to add one more thing about those mirror neurons we TBIers are extra sensitive to, If you think we are being a jackass or stupid it probably has more to do with those mirror neurons reflecting back you back.
Friday, May 15, 2020
Your therapist: The scariest person you will ever meet
Dr. She is now officially the scariest person in the world to me.
And here is why:
Fortunately for me, my husband recorded the appointment that went so badly with Dr. Neurologist. Feeling hopeless and alone again I sent an email to Dr. She and asked her if she would listen and help me process it. Please help me understand what I am doing wrong. Help me "untangle" all of this.
Dr. She responded very quickly saying she would, moving my appointment up and telling me it's okay and that I don't have to figure this out alone.
I don't have to try to figure this out alone...
"that's good says my husband"
and it is... but she is the only person who has said this to me.
This is why we get attached to therapists.
We need help and we need people to care enough to help us figure out the hard stuff
but too many of us don't have that
add the depth and complexity of all that makes me me, TBI, intelligence, concern for others, ...bipolar...
and not many people are willing to say that
far less mean it for longer than a day.
But honestly, I think that is the first time in my life, ever, that someone has said this to me...
Except maybe my one friend who has tried to be there through this. She has said I don't have to go through this alone. That is so very nice too.
It is nice to know you are not completely alone when you are so very alone.
But Dr She is a paid for service. and I don't know how long she will really stick around... and now she is the scariest person in the world to me
because I need her so very much...
Just like how I so desperately needed Dr. He and his expertise... when he needed me to be
Nothing
It's scary.
This is very, very scary.
And here is why:
Fortunately for me, my husband recorded the appointment that went so badly with Dr. Neurologist. Feeling hopeless and alone again I sent an email to Dr. She and asked her if she would listen and help me process it. Please help me understand what I am doing wrong. Help me "untangle" all of this.
Dr. She responded very quickly saying she would, moving my appointment up and telling me it's okay and that I don't have to figure this out alone.
I don't have to try to figure this out alone...
"that's good says my husband"
and it is... but she is the only person who has said this to me.
This is why we get attached to therapists.
We need help and we need people to care enough to help us figure out the hard stuff
but too many of us don't have that
add the depth and complexity of all that makes me me, TBI, intelligence, concern for others, ...bipolar...
and not many people are willing to say that
far less mean it for longer than a day.
But honestly, I think that is the first time in my life, ever, that someone has said this to me...
Except maybe my one friend who has tried to be there through this. She has said I don't have to go through this alone. That is so very nice too.
It is nice to know you are not completely alone when you are so very alone.
But Dr She is a paid for service. and I don't know how long she will really stick around... and now she is the scariest person in the world to me
because I need her so very much...
Just like how I so desperately needed Dr. He and his expertise... when he needed me to be
Nothing
It's scary.
This is very, very scary.
Miss Under Stood here -present... wait, what was the question again?
New Neurologist.
I was hopeful. I had decided I like her. I gave her lots of credit....
I should know better than to do that by now.
Basically, I can't start climbing the mountain of dealing with my TBI until I untangle the mess that was made of me by the Neuroscience Institute.
That seems to be her prognosis.
But then when I ask questions because I need clarification and because I AM trying to untangle that mess she tells me there is no organization to my thoughts and that I am talking in circles.
But then she has the dates wrong about when the MRI was done in relations to the accident.
And she took the first 14 minutes to explain, in circles, that it is not her policy that I cannot record our appointment and that she is not even sure why that is a rule and she didn't think to ask, but she is basically on the same page as me, and it is not her policy, and she probably should have asked.... and around and around for a good 10-15 minutes...
So am I really talking in circles or is this a bias and a stigma, that goes along with the location of the TBI damage? She suggests it is.
And I ask for clarification on this, but it is to tangled with the other stuff, for her to be able to clarify, I guess...
And then I am talking in circles again... when I thought I was rephrasing my question...
and around and around it goes,
she can only address the tremor and monitor, but she has no answers
because she didn't know me before and it is too entangled...
and I have to untangle it, which is what I am trying to do,
and she has not even explained encephalomalcia with gliosis or why the other neurologist was worried about seizures...
She is confused by some of the questions I ask for clarification on, things that concussion doctor had told me. She is concerned about how I was treated and wonders if she needs to report things but because I have hired a lawyer (who, at this point, is clearly not doing anything) and I have talked about reporting -which hasn't happened because I have been waiting on the lawyer who clearly isn't doing anything; and I tried to explain that too but she was too glad to feel that she did not need to report, she says she will and has no problem with doing that, but again she thinks it's already being handled.
Oh what an unmanageable mess this is turning out to be. She does not seem to understand that we need to start at zero with my understanding of the TBI since it was obviously misdiagnosed. She at least confirmed that, that the damage that I have would not have been from a mTBI, aka concussion, but rather from a full blown TBI.
sigh...
At least that.
And my head is hopeless and tired again. and what the hell does it all mean??
TBI is irreversible I can just learn to accommodate, not heal, like Dr. Concussion said was possible at the end when she was telling me there was a good chance my TBI's would not even show up on MRI, I think that was clarified. Does location of injury effect mood stability? She seemed to be saying it does but my attempts for clarification on that were again, misunderstood...
My husband can't explain what I was not getting but he is still mad at me for not getting it...except "I'm not mad" he growls ... And around and around it goes... when it stops no one knows.
loops and holes and the growing noses.
Oh, So that's why their noses were so big! At least some clarification there. At least that. But man, the confusion in trying to treat and even work with me because I am still trying to get clarification on what the hell happened to my head from those who can't answer because they "weren't the ones treating me at that time" and the the medical records received are quite convoluted and defamatory.
Yes, misdiagnosis, "defensive medicine," and false allegations and accusations to cover are a problem.
sigh and bye
I was hopeful. I had decided I like her. I gave her lots of credit....
I should know better than to do that by now.
Basically, I can't start climbing the mountain of dealing with my TBI until I untangle the mess that was made of me by the Neuroscience Institute.
That seems to be her prognosis.
But then when I ask questions because I need clarification and because I AM trying to untangle that mess she tells me there is no organization to my thoughts and that I am talking in circles.
But then she has the dates wrong about when the MRI was done in relations to the accident.
And she took the first 14 minutes to explain, in circles, that it is not her policy that I cannot record our appointment and that she is not even sure why that is a rule and she didn't think to ask, but she is basically on the same page as me, and it is not her policy, and she probably should have asked.... and around and around for a good 10-15 minutes...
So am I really talking in circles or is this a bias and a stigma, that goes along with the location of the TBI damage? She suggests it is.
And I ask for clarification on this, but it is to tangled with the other stuff, for her to be able to clarify, I guess...
And then I am talking in circles again... when I thought I was rephrasing my question...
and around and around it goes,
she can only address the tremor and monitor, but she has no answers
because she didn't know me before and it is too entangled...
and I have to untangle it, which is what I am trying to do,
and she has not even explained encephalomalcia with gliosis or why the other neurologist was worried about seizures...
She is confused by some of the questions I ask for clarification on, things that concussion doctor had told me. She is concerned about how I was treated and wonders if she needs to report things but because I have hired a lawyer (who, at this point, is clearly not doing anything) and I have talked about reporting -which hasn't happened because I have been waiting on the lawyer who clearly isn't doing anything; and I tried to explain that too but she was too glad to feel that she did not need to report, she says she will and has no problem with doing that, but again she thinks it's already being handled.
Oh what an unmanageable mess this is turning out to be. She does not seem to understand that we need to start at zero with my understanding of the TBI since it was obviously misdiagnosed. She at least confirmed that, that the damage that I have would not have been from a mTBI, aka concussion, but rather from a full blown TBI.
sigh...
At least that.
And my head is hopeless and tired again. and what the hell does it all mean??
TBI is irreversible I can just learn to accommodate, not heal, like Dr. Concussion said was possible at the end when she was telling me there was a good chance my TBI's would not even show up on MRI, I think that was clarified. Does location of injury effect mood stability? She seemed to be saying it does but my attempts for clarification on that were again, misunderstood...
My husband can't explain what I was not getting but he is still mad at me for not getting it...except "I'm not mad" he growls ... And around and around it goes... when it stops no one knows.
loops and holes and the growing noses.
Oh, So that's why their noses were so big! At least some clarification there. At least that. But man, the confusion in trying to treat and even work with me because I am still trying to get clarification on what the hell happened to my head from those who can't answer because they "weren't the ones treating me at that time" and the the medical records received are quite convoluted and defamatory.
Yes, misdiagnosis, "defensive medicine," and false allegations and accusations to cover are a problem.
sigh and bye
Wednesday, May 13, 2020
Discriminating taste
I have to confess something, something that catches me by surprise occasionally and frustrates me about me.
I hate being stereotyped and stigmatized. I hate being discriminated against for my ailments. I hate feeling the subtle and not so subtle changes in attitudes and perceptions that some people manifest when they find out that you have a "mental illness" or mental health related issues.
I hate it so very much and it is especially difficult when you have the intelligence to know how you are flawed and the intelligence to pick up on the discrimination, ostracizing, stigmatizing etc.
But the confession... I do the same thing.
I am prejudice against my own disorders, against my kind.
...And I don't like being lumped into the same category as those people.
I know a few people who have bipolar and I don't like some things about them that I know are directly related to the illness they have. I wonder if I am a bad person for feeling these things and even wonder why I feel these things. I am scared of them myself half the time. Or am I disappointed? Disappointed with how they handle or how I do? Or am I disappointed that even with them I can still offend and not fit in?
I wonder if this is normal for all of us that have these problems?
But I also sincerely wonder if maybe I really do not belong in the same category because mine seems to be directly linked to TBI. I wonder if a strictly biological bipolar may be different than a TBI bipolar?
Manic, I fit the definition of. I was manic. But I did not loose touch completely and I was composed well enough to hide it. Or had I just conditioned and trained myself well enough? and that is why I feel some annoyance and frustration with others?
But I also think there is some association to the level of breaking and the age of the breaking. As I have said, prior to this, I think I had not gone much above hypomanic. And I am much older, with much more experience under my belt... I have also chosen to distance myself from those things that can be triggers. I don't embrace a trigger so easily. I'd rather not be in that consent battle. It is something people in my family and many of my local cultures and subcultures really do not understand. It is why I am not so stalwart and involved in the church that I was raised in. Spirituality and religion can be very slippery slopes for a delicately balanced brain... I have found more peace and stability with some distance and yet that makes people very uncomfortable. But my overly spiritual and scriptural associates that have similar issues I feel pain and embarrassment for... and I find myself feeling my own discriminating feelings...
Maybe I am projecting my own insecurities onto them? Maybe it is a fear of what I may actually be or come to be?
My mind and heart want to figure this out and be at peace with them and me. Be at peace with my association.
And yet, I don't really want to think about it right now at all. I just want to be a fun mom again. And I want to have friends again. But I also do not want to be that me again. I want to be more free and more accepting of all that I am. I want to love my perfectly imperfect.
...and truthfully, I want to feel loved, valued and accepted.
I suppose I have some work to do still.
And who is still actually reading this anyway? And why?
Check in now and again if you don't mind. I'd love your feedback
I hate being stereotyped and stigmatized. I hate being discriminated against for my ailments. I hate feeling the subtle and not so subtle changes in attitudes and perceptions that some people manifest when they find out that you have a "mental illness" or mental health related issues.
I hate it so very much and it is especially difficult when you have the intelligence to know how you are flawed and the intelligence to pick up on the discrimination, ostracizing, stigmatizing etc.
But the confession... I do the same thing.
I am prejudice against my own disorders, against my kind.
...And I don't like being lumped into the same category as those people.
I know a few people who have bipolar and I don't like some things about them that I know are directly related to the illness they have. I wonder if I am a bad person for feeling these things and even wonder why I feel these things. I am scared of them myself half the time. Or am I disappointed? Disappointed with how they handle or how I do? Or am I disappointed that even with them I can still offend and not fit in?
I wonder if this is normal for all of us that have these problems?
But I also sincerely wonder if maybe I really do not belong in the same category because mine seems to be directly linked to TBI. I wonder if a strictly biological bipolar may be different than a TBI bipolar?
Manic, I fit the definition of. I was manic. But I did not loose touch completely and I was composed well enough to hide it. Or had I just conditioned and trained myself well enough? and that is why I feel some annoyance and frustration with others?
But I also think there is some association to the level of breaking and the age of the breaking. As I have said, prior to this, I think I had not gone much above hypomanic. And I am much older, with much more experience under my belt... I have also chosen to distance myself from those things that can be triggers. I don't embrace a trigger so easily. I'd rather not be in that consent battle. It is something people in my family and many of my local cultures and subcultures really do not understand. It is why I am not so stalwart and involved in the church that I was raised in. Spirituality and religion can be very slippery slopes for a delicately balanced brain... I have found more peace and stability with some distance and yet that makes people very uncomfortable. But my overly spiritual and scriptural associates that have similar issues I feel pain and embarrassment for... and I find myself feeling my own discriminating feelings...
Maybe I am projecting my own insecurities onto them? Maybe it is a fear of what I may actually be or come to be?
My mind and heart want to figure this out and be at peace with them and me. Be at peace with my association.
And yet, I don't really want to think about it right now at all. I just want to be a fun mom again. And I want to have friends again. But I also do not want to be that me again. I want to be more free and more accepting of all that I am. I want to love my perfectly imperfect.
...and truthfully, I want to feel loved, valued and accepted.
I suppose I have some work to do still.
And who is still actually reading this anyway? And why?
Check in now and again if you don't mind. I'd love your feedback
Tuesday, May 12, 2020
If you want to pull the wool you might destroy the sweater.
"It is all three, isn't it?"
I still talk to that place in my heart that he allowed me to keep him.
Allowed
there just may be more to that than you (my blog audience) know.
I have tried to kick him out of my heart but he knew how to root himself deep and I was so broken that at times those roots that broke me were somehow the only thing holding me together. It is a strang place that no rational and fully stable person can ever really understand.
... and I will be made out to be crazy for the things I am not crazy for
Even after and when they deny the crazy that I was...
November 12, 2018
I made a mistake. I talked about my husband. I explained how what we (Dr. P and I) had been working on had helped me in my relationship with my husband.
He was not happy about this. He changed on me. The spark in his eyes was gone. He was cold and distant.
One of two possibilities:
He had developed feelings and caught him off guard
Or
It confirmed I was non-compliant with his efforts to subtly turn me into his own personal toy
Either way, he was done with me.
But with a strange plea of "don't disappear on me completely"
to which I pointed out "you are breaking up with me and I am not happy about it"
Then he, "unfortunately there is still a human element to all of this."
and later, "I told you not to try and solve this."
I was not compliant again.
and he was scared.
I could see it in his face. I could see it in the paleness and the picked off scabs of a stress break out. I could hear it in his replies, implied but neither confirmed nor denied. Rehearsed or influenced by some of the same articles I had found and read about transference and countertransference?
I could hear it in his struggle to regain the balance of power.
I could hear it in his over compensating when he looked me straight in the eye and declared, "I am not scared of you." said the way every person does when they have decided to confront their fear and have to lie to themselves until they start to believe their lie.
I could hear it is his chastising, "that's not funny," when I laughed about the insanity of a bipolar personal contact that once, while in a manic state, believed one companion to be God and the other to be the devil.
I could hear it in his direct, loud and firm command to "stop emailing me" and in his back peddling softened reply of "they are too deep and they can get me into trouble" when I reacted in a way he may not have expected -a way that suggested I have dealt with that kind of forcefulness plenty and I may not be so inclined to respond the way he'd hoped since I knew those types of bold threatening tactics too well.
I could hear it especially loud and clear in his final statement, "so we can agree to a clean break?"
And yet, still he could not resist testing those boundaries, checking to see if maybe I might be more compliant or more interested, and maybe just maybe, after the confessions of the depth and complexity to my transference and the the suggestion of mania, maybe just maybe, he hoped that I might manifest those with the paradoxically desired but condemned sexual advance by the patient.
I could see these.
I picked up on this.
As childish and naive as I was in those moments of managed manic magnificence I picked up on the manipulations in his playfulness, the moments when he forgot he was scared, and could not resit playing with the child that I was, mistaking me for an adult themed toy. Tempting. It was far too tempting
I could see these.
I picked up on this.
As childish and naive as I was in those moments of managed manic magnificence I picked up on the manipulations in his playfulness, the moments when he forgot he was scared, and could not resit playing with the child that I was, mistaking me for an adult themed toy. Tempting. It was far too tempting
and it worked to his advantage (it always does, he knows these games well and plays them regularly, I have seen it more than with just me)
Control, he regained by playing, turning me into a game again. Because I trusted and loved.
But my instinct was awake and bold. It took liberties and spoke for me at times, long before I knew what I meant.
And my will to survive, my fight and flight responses heightened by the risks and threats that the mania was immune to, they picked up on so many things. My heightened senses and rapid processing working at superhuman levels picked up on every subtlety, nuance, inflection, movement, energy... the entirety of the situation would replay in my brain for months and months to follow, not missing anything in my brains quest to solve what was happening to itself and why. The mysteries had to be solved. His "I'm okay with being wrong" was not okay in his misdiagnosis.
Was the missing of the mania intentional? Did he break me? Or was I already broken and breaking? Had he developed feelings of reciprocated magnitude and intensity or was it the mania (that he had overlooked) suggesting this to my desperately-trying-to-settle brain? ...Or was he really and truly a diabolical grooming therapist that dropped me when he saw that I was not compliant and I broke because of it? Did I break because, even though I was not physically compliant, the grooming had worked on an emotional level and suddenly grieving the loss of him was too much for the physiology of my brain since it was coinciding with PTS (post traumatic stress), TBI realities, and a flooding of returning memories?
"I told you not to try and solve this"
"I don't need more friends"
"I don't believe in forever anymore"
"my life is very complex right now"
"I could lose my license because of you"
"...I will never have anything to do with you outside of therapy."
"I would have to agree to it"
"You only see what I allow you to see"
"I don't do well with blurred boundaries"
"why? are you a stalker?"
"what we have had is a beautiful thing and I would not want to fuck that up." (really, who says that?)
"I connect easily with people"
"I am okay with being wrong"
"I am going to let it burn out and I suggest you do the same"
... And I feel like, in his cryptic way, he may have been trying to warn me, that he would do whatever he had to, to hide and cover anything that would reveal who he really was and what he really was up to... or was it just that he would cover anything that could potentially threaten his livelihood...
I would love for clarification- I am not afraid of the conversation and I am not the one hiding or trying to hide the truth.
But... I will repeat, the best liars hide their lies in the truth.
Which makes me think
"It is all three, isn't it"
Grooming, countertransference and the breaking of me and then denying it (mania). ... maybe it is more like 4 or 5 things, 4 and 5 being a whole lot of mischief.
"You only see what I allow you to see"
Oh, but I see so much more and I see through you- And he knows it. He makes the command in hopes that his statement will pull the wool curtain over my manic heightened perceptiveness.
Friday, May 8, 2020
Parenting after Mania and the Psychology of role reversals
What is most bothersome to me right now is how this wild ride has affected my kids and my ability to parent them...
It has been so hard on them. To watch their mom first break and become emotionally unstable, tired, foggy, forgetful, etc from a car accident and the PTSD* that followed then to watch her break a thousand times worse from a therapist.
...
...
"It is not normal for people to fall in love with their therapists," my son expresses to me about a month ago when I am trying to get to the bottom of what is really going on with him. Why he is failing all of his classes, impossible to get out of bed in the morning and other things...
Chastise me if you want, for not keeping this hidden from my children, but when you break as big as I did, it is handled the way that it was by the providers that should be helping you, you are as openly honest about things as I am, and it lasts as long as it did, things like that will not stay hidden from your teen kids or anyone. And it might also be worth noting that the area of my brain that is specifically built for keeping things in is actually broken and the space for this kind of storage is now smaller which means I can retain and refrain less... I wonder if that has also contributed.
But I also think it likely could have been even worse if I had kept it hidden.
I think this because I know what I was experiencing and it was hard to keep from blowing up completely even with letting out some of the steam as it built. But I also say this because I know of too many people on both the parent and child side that have experienced a lot of emotional distress from keeping hidden what was really going on. Often they are referred to as "skeletons in the closet" or "swept under the rug" and from what I have witnessed hiding the truths and realities is not constructive or healthy and often leads to far worse as people bury more and more, and hide the truly heinous acts that are happening. Unwillingness to face and talk about issues has not ever proven constructive or healthy to me.
AND besides all that, that is exactly what they Neuroscience Institute was doing with me, why on earth would I then repeat the same neglect and abuse with my children?
They had lost there mom. I may have been physically present but I was too often lost in the madness and unavailable because of how hard I had to work simply to stay ahead of the death sentence I was given.
They deserved to know and they deserved to know why.
It has been so hard on them.
And still they are such amazing kids and so much more compassionate, understanding and even practical than the adults and professionals that were supposed to be.
When my son said this, what do I say?
Caught off guard and heart broken for him I was not sure how to respond, but two things I remember doing. I explained that it actually is normal for people to fall in love with their therapists and it is very common. What is not normal is their therapist falling in love with them or implying that they had and then dropping them and refusing to ever have anything to do with them...that and I apologized, because I am sorry for all that has happened and for how hard it has been on him. To which he replies, "It's okay, I know it's not your fault." And I try to make sure, I hope and I pray, he is not now burdening himself with guilt for his feelings and frustrations. He is entitled to them and they are not unjustified. But his loving forgiveness and understanding, regardless of his pain, lets know how lucky I am.
He and my daughter have both said this to me, more than once... They are such sweet, good kids. And I am grateful that even though they have frustrations with me, and they have this pain and cross to bare, they know when things have been very much out of my control and they were stalwart and strong when I was so very broken. They carried me so many times.
I love and am so grateful for them.
But there is a flip side to that coin; this type of role reversal (even though it was not a complete role reversal) makes it very difficult to return to more normal parenting and having parental expectations.
It is confusing and hard for all of us -the psychology of it I don't want to delve into right now because it exhausts my brain. But I do know that it is another way that I now feel incredibly insecure. I almost feel like I no longer have the right to parent them...
...At a times when they are unravelling and when the fall apart some themselves because of this, as I improve and become more stable.
* note: The PTSD that followed was linked to a TBI I was hospitalized for at age 12 -this put me reprocessing from both an adult and childlike state.
** this article is being published with my son and daughters permission. When I asked them if they think it has been a good or bad thing that I have been as open and honest with them about this as I have my daughter plainly and confidently says, "I think it has been good" while my son points out that he thinks it has "probably" been good because, "you know that I hear things that I am not supposed to hear and don't hear things that I am supposed to hear. So if you had tried to keep it hidden I probably would know even more about it but it would be a very different version." He would not have really understood or had a clear picture of what was going on in addition to feeling like he could not talk about it.
** this article is being published with my son and daughters permission. When I asked them if they think it has been a good or bad thing that I have been as open and honest with them about this as I have my daughter plainly and confidently says, "I think it has been good" while my son points out that he thinks it has "probably" been good because, "you know that I hear things that I am not supposed to hear and don't hear things that I am supposed to hear. So if you had tried to keep it hidden I probably would know even more about it but it would be a very different version." He would not have really understood or had a clear picture of what was going on in addition to feeling like he could not talk about it.
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