the Cowardly Lion meets Yertle the Turtle.

Most people are cowards in real time real life.
Me too.
I do have the luxury of TBI so sometimes my blunt honesty and lack of fear and filter can make me appear to be very brave and bold. So much so that often people find it spitefully rewarding to knock me down a notch or humble me -At which point those advantages cease to be advantages anymore.
Really, as you can tell from this here blog, I can be pretty pathetic. And my bark is far worse than my bite. Mostly because my bark is not really a bark at all, it's mostly observation, reflection, deflection, and/or, at times, projection; not really the brave bold confidence I seem to be emanating.
 Today my day has gotten away from me. I have so much to do. So many little things to try and get and keep caught up on and big things that are, frankly, terrifying.
I am easily overwhelmed.
Not a favorite trait of mine.
...and yet I am not sure that is entirely true (that I am easily overwhelmed)
Broken.
One day Dr. He said something about me thinking I was broken. I felt like he might have been implying that I was not and needed to stop believing that I was. But my inside voice (the one that only spoke inside of me) said in a matter of fact way "but I am broken," and then it confidently said something like  "and I am okay with that" or "and that is okay," or maybe it was, "but that's not the problem."
And, I know, I agree with you (my imagined audience that I am now projecting interpretations onto) that line of thinking is confusing. Of course that is the problem, that is why I was there in the first place....right?
So now I am allowing myself this cowardly pleasure of psychoanalyzing myself and then taking artistic liberties in the writing out my findings; all to justify my avoidance of doing the hard stuff, like calling lawyers.... blah... and to ease my conscious for forgetting some of the important little things I meant to do today.
Broken, my thought "I am broken,” and maybe broken is not really the problem.
I knew that I was but others don't want to see or understand. In that moment I realized that I don't really mind that I am and that I would rather accept it then deny it and keep trying to work within the context of me being not broken.
That had been hard and frustrating for too much of my life. By acknowledging that I was and am broken I can then start to work realistically within the confines that I have. I am not doing myself any favors believing the Disney fantasy bullshit of "if you just believe" (to be read with sickeningly sweet, high pitched, cheery sarcasm).  I can and have tried that and it does not work. It does not help me, rather it does the opposite, I find myself in heaps of trouble for believing and overly frustrated for failing so frequently. Plus so many things are contingent on other people, timing and circumstance. And, mind you, in reality we can't all be Bill Gates and Oprah. There has to be a whole lot of turtles to keep Yertle up as high as he wants to stay. (Yertle the Turtle, by Dr. Suess)
Really truly, we all have our limitations so I think it is beneficial for me to know and accept mine. That is what the PTSD seemed to be teaching me.
Dr. He was too, so really I am not sure what he was implying at that moment but maybe it was evidence of his lost objectivity with me? Maybe it was simply my projecting feelings I had felt from others or simply evidence of how my interpretation was effected by my own circumstances... Very simple situations can become very complex when we all come from such different places or when we keep inside and try to hide what and who we really are.

Iguazu Falls picture borrowed from here

So I am broken.
And I have a magnificently complex brain, where the ideas flow like Iguazu Falls; which can be very difficult to manage. Choosing and letting go becomes immensely difficult when you see the potential in everything. And I think that is probably true for most people. But my brain... well, it is actually broken. Or it has been. Maybe now it is just scars but those scars prevent it from functioning in typical and more expected ways.
This is why I love neuroplasticity. It is my way around.
I am not sure why my brain struggles a little more than others to stay grounded in reality, if it is solely due to head injury or if this is more complex than that, but it does. Maybe that is not accurate but rather, maybe I am just more aware of when I am loosing touch. I don't know.
I do know the floods that flow from the emotions that are easily overloaded are not normal and I believe deep down inside that I am not really as emotional as I am. Or maybe I am not nearly as fragile as I seem to be. And yet I am...
It's totally annoying a lot, and it's kind of a TBI thing, you may understand if you have had one. ...Yet others loose feeling some emotions with TBI. It's confusing, isn't it. "If you have seen one TBI you have seen one TBI."
But still their are commonalities too.
Yep, this is avoidance. Not super productive nor lateral or logical in my organization and presentation. Just trying to feel better about being a coward in real life.
big sigh
and good bye
off I go again to try.

As my inside voice lectures "There is no try only do!"

....and poo
there is a whole lot of that too.
;)

Heavy Heads and Heavy Hearts make for interesting bed fellows.

Sometimes I need somewhere to escape to. Sometimes I want to run away.
Too many of my people only love me when I am exactly what they need me to be, the rest of the time they simple tolerate to the best of their ability. It's partly my fault because I have a history of being what people need me to be at the expense of me. And I apologize for the burden I am when I feel they are merely tolerating.
I have to think on this one and try to discern what is healthy and realistic. What do I need to fix, what can I fix, and how do I go about it?
If I try exclusively to fix me for them, that does not work. I end up loosing me and since lost me is not really what they want or need they end up unhappy with me anyway.
I realize I need to have more confidence in me and expect to be treated better. At this point in my life I am finding that tricky.
An added challenge for me is that little detail of not being able to entirely trust  my confidence. I have swung too far before.
At one point everything in my life made sense. A culminating event. I knew and understood clearly who I was and what I was supposed to do...
Well, kind of.
It was more of a tau thing where I had no idea what I was supposed to do but I knew I was precisely where I needed to be and all the mysteries of my personal universe were coming together to reveal exactly what I was set up to be and what I was supposed to do. My personal mission.............
...................
....................................................................................................... but......................................................
It was not so.
And I was denied
by my guide
that was merely an allusion of deity
...an illusion that was playing with me.
It was not real
I was not real
he was not real
my feelings were too real
and too strong
for too long.
but not real, I guess.
and now
now...............................................................................
Its all on me. all of the blame. all of the shame for his game. It's is all on me. Because I broke under the pressure. The intensity of me coupled with he  - stir in some confusion from home- so often alone- and I broke under the burden of trying to be everything they all need but not for me.
-I think I am going to go to bed now.-
I broke from the heavy burden and now I am the heavy burden.
Though I still do try not to be.
but I guess that is me.
too heavy of a burden even for those who are trained to handle them...
the slippery slope
we easily slide
if we don't coincide
with the other side
of our duality.
Maybe someday I will find me.
and maybe that will mean I will have to be just me....
alone
me alone.
for now, I'm going to bed.
enjoying the luxuries that others provide for me in spite of the burden I am
and that is nice
for me
so I will take my drugs that keep my head straight and go to bed.
live to see another day
and try to get my head to stay
out of my own way
good day.

**side note. For the record, aside from the thank you card, I never once tried to contact those I am being accused of harassing for ANYTHING other then trying to understand what was going on with my head. I asked for medical and record clarification, and only things related to why I was there in first place. All attempts were within the realm of my patients rights and were attempts to clear up misunderstandings and also attempts to stand up for myself without causing harm to them. I don't think they had the same intention, to not cause harm that is.

Utah's Medical Malpractice Act

It is pretty amazing to me how deeply my failure with the Neuroscience Science Institute continues to effect me.
On days that I don't have to, getting out of bed is the hardest thing in the world to do. Right now I have the added challenge of a cold (that may be a sinus infection) on top of it, but even without it I am sure struggling to feel motivated.
It's one of those struggles that I keep thinking I am out of only to find myself entirely beat down, my negative core perceptions grounded in their confirmations of my worthlessness and denials of the actual medical and physical conditions that were manifesting.
I can logically look at this and see and say that it is wrong; that they are wrong. I can see and acknowledge my accomplishment of maintaining some sanity while manic and even enduring as long as and as well as I did when I trusted them in their insanity. I can see how wrong it was and is. I know logically that I must be something special for these highly trained and degreed ego's to be power tripping on me. I try to build myself up with these recognitions and acknowledgings but at the end of (and often the beginning of) the day I feel voiceless and powerless and I still struggle to feel I am of value and to feel like anything I do will be of value. And to believe that I can actually accomplish anything at all that I set out to do...
This is not just because of the NSI, Dr. Concussion, Dr. P, Patient Advocate, and the others who are not even worth mentioning (yes, I mean that to be a slight and mean, and I am letting my jading come out) but it is also due to what they denied, misdiagnosed and negligently treated.
My head gets disorganized rather quickly. It is harder now to keep things straight. A cold lowers my cognitive stamina even more than it would have before and when my brain gets tired my emotions go. And flow, often through my eyes again. Yesterday, I hate to admit, I had less patients with my young snowboarding students, and while this does not happen very often (far less than many other instructors I know of) I feel bad about things like this. It is not who I want to be.
Then there is the manic, bipolar side of things.
And the relationship side of things.
I think that the bluntness and honesty that TBI has a tendency to bring out is similar to children and we are a bit childish in our ways. I often feel like a child and yet I can also see that some of these childish traits in an adult body and adult world can also help me to see things more clearly. Most people are childish in one way or another, and even in many ways, I'm just not sure if they recognize their own childishness. That or their ego's and pride will not allow them to admit any of their childish mistakes.
-Digression in childish psychology
back to my point-
The other day, when I had the privilege of meeting the governor, I felt happy and proud and it was a very stimulating experience, but I did not feel too high and that is so good and nice for me. I was pleased to feel that simple happy feeling that is normal. And I continue to hope that I will get stronger there.
But there is still that feeling of.... not sure how to name this emotion... probably fear is an adequate word for it.
I fear my emotions, my feelings, my intensities and I fear happy and confident, I fear those feelings of I can do this because my brain does not always know how to stay balanced through them. It can go too high and this has hurt me. ...and my family.
Add into that the tragedy and complexity of Dr. P and the NSI missing, dismissing and denying and the blend is both toxic and deep.
Now add to that the difficulty in finding help and the reality of corrupt laws, rules, and the people in power  -who advertise their initiatives to help improve the quality of life for every person (real IHC adds that dagger twist in my heart every time I hear them) but that, in reality, really don't care. At least they don't really care for me, thus perpetuating the "you don't count, and you are worthless" messages- and it is not surprising that anyone in my situation would have a hard time getting up in the morning.
My sweet friend -whose abuser walks free, having suffered no legal or criminal consequences, despite his serious sociopathic manipulations, abuses and even obvious intent to take her life- pointed out, the laws in their effort to be "innocent until proven guilty" are now written and easily used to protect the guilty.
In the Utah Malpractice Act it points out that "provider's practicing defensive medicine because he views a patient as a potential adversary in a lawsuit" increases health care costs, but the Act only addresses and places more requirements and demands on the patient, or family of a patient, who wishes to address malpractice. It limits a patients ability to seek restitution and the amount of damages they can expect to recover and it makes it immensely more difficult for patients to file malpractice complaints and/or lawsuits.
Yet it does not address the issue of practitioners practicing defensive medicine at all.
Our belief in humanity may lead us to believe that the practitioners and medical providers would then stop practicing defensive medicine knowing that they are highly unlikely to face a lawsuit.
But sadly that has not happened.
Still, as I write, the standard of practice with medical providers is to practice defensive medicine if they make a mistake. This was made painfully clear in my situation and I have heard this is accurate from so many people on all sides of the industry; i.e. lawyers, doctors, nurses, patients, other medical workers, family members of patients, therapists that deal with the adverse effects this has on patients, therapists that have worked for companies like IHC.
Thus the result of laws and rules like this malpractice act equate to an increased burden, shaming, physical and psychological stress and re-victimizing of victims of malpractice while protecting the perpetrators. Wherein they may not have initially been intentional "perpetrators" they become perpetrators in their practicing defensive, negligent, and fraudulent medicine in an effort to "avoid a lawsuit" that is highly unlikely in the first place, even less likely they would acknowledge their mistake and treat appropriately and furthermore highly unlikely due to the laws being staked in their favor. It then causes superfluous harm and increased suffering for the patient and their family.
Their defensive medicine becomes nothing more than egotistical abuses of power that they are protected in.


“For the world is in a bad state, but everything will become still worse unless each of us does his best.”
― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

...and what is most silly to me is I am still having this occasional conversation with myself "I'm not going to die, and I don't really want to die.... do I?"
Today I actually audibly said those words to myself in response to my debate on whether to see the doctor or not about this cold that is kicking my butt head and is moving down into my lungs.
A couple of times this last week I have wondered why I am doing things to try and get better from it. I could just let it get worse...
Even though I have been through suicidal phases I have never, ever had thoughts like that... that's new...
And I also know I am not likely to die from this, even if I do let it get worse so I think I'd rather get better and enjoy a better quality of life for my efforts.
...more confessions of the deep and warped psychology of me that I am still facing and trying to undo.

The Beautiful People in my world.

Yesterday I got to meet the governor.  I got to speak up about TBI, and He gave me his honorary signing pen. I was there with the BIUA for his signing of a document acknowledging March to be Brain Injury Awareness month or something like that. To be honest I do not totally understand what is was all about and so far it has not been covered on any news sights that I have seen which is a bit disheartening to me.
But I want to share a tender moment.
When the governor and his mini paparazzi came over to me because I had offered to answer his question (when all the PhD holders froze or were trying to compose their answers) I got a bit nervous and forgot what I was going to say. A deer in the headlights for a split second, but I was able to utilize my TBI blunt honesty and humor to state, "I'm sorry, I just got a little of nervous and forgot what I was going to say. Can you please repeat the question to help me remember?" or something to that effect.
But in that moment I started to feel shaky and shy, I felt a hand on my arm and a soothing rub on my back.
My sweet friend Renée was there and she jumped right into action helping me to quickly regain calm and composure.
This is the beauty of what organizations like the BIUA and people like Renée do. They help you find your strength again. They want to build people and they want to find them help. They are a very small, understaffed and very likely underfunded organization, but they keep going and they keep trying to help people. They do all the little things they possibly can do and though they may be few they are mighty fine people and I am so very grateful for the the help they have given me.
I wish that I were bigger and could help them to become bigger.
Then there is my cousin I stayed with the other night. She inspires me to do and be better all of the time. The challenges and traumas she has risen above are astounding. She is a miracle to me.
In our conversation she told me she is always shocked at how many people seem to find pleasure in seeing her fail. She says she fails all the time and fails hard, for example she has been training and working hard to make it to the Olympics in boxing. She barely missed the cut for the last time and she has had to close the door on that dream. She said that is hard, but she is idealistic and she recognizes the good that has come from it and moves on. But, like I mentioned, she is always shocked at how people will find pleasure in her failure.
I was so surprised to hear this from her. She is so easy to love, so kind and never have I heard her even come close to tearing somebody down. She builds people up and yet people still want to tear her down. We had an enlightening conversation about this and I was so glad to hear about this because I know the feeling and it hurts and sucks, but now I know I am not alone and it is not just in my head. She is younger than I and many years ago I was more in the mentor role but now I very much look up to her. I am so impressed with how she handles the put downs and knock downs. I am not so strong and I allow them to affect me too much.
So I find I am especially grateful for her and Renée and the many other people that may play very small roles in my life but that build me up instead of tearing me down.
I am glad these two and others are still in my life, still checking up on me, and still believing in me, it has renewed my spirit at a time when I was beginning to let some jading happen and not so nice things were starting to slip from my mouth.
Though there is a whole lot of mess in our world there is still so much good and so many amazing people.

Memory Lane

My son found our old computer that got bogged down and slow so was replaced but not discarded due to the pictures that are currently preserved in the hard drive. My son got it turned on and found some interesting old games and the preserved pictures of his younger years.
Looking through old pictures is almost always fun to me.
It is fun to reflect and remember.
It can also be very satisfying to see the growth of your children and even yourself.
Yet it can be as equally difficult to see the days that are passed and people that have passed.
After our brief trip down memory lane, I felt rather empowered.
I have been feeling more and more like I am finding myself again, but still very gun shy and insecure, maybe embracing my Pro Crasta Nation ethnicity a bit too much as a result of this.
I have the luxury of not having to do a whole lot of things that most people have to do, like work full-time. And while things like this are luxuries they can easily become vices. Especially when you are feeling timid and unsure of yourself.
Looking through the pictures reminded me of so many things I have done. It also reminded me of how hard I have worked at and through so many things. Often in the midst of a whole lot of negativity surrounding me and pulling me down.
Never good enough and ever challenging peoples negative world, family, and self views, I have managed to live a whole lot of life and do many things.
I have been an involved and proactive mom. I have been there for my kids and I have worked hard to provide them with so many amazing opportunities. I have nurtured their individuality while teaching them to be sympathetic, empathetic and involved. I have worked hard despite intense opposition to maintain an at least a somewhat healthy lifestyle for myself and my kids.
I have down what I can to the extent that I can garnish support, which usually is not much, to remodel houses and create spaces and experiences that are beautiful, special, and magical.
I have tamed the the beasts of duality time and time again.
I have endured unfavorable circumstances and treatment for the sake of others; offering forgiveness and acceptance time and time again, choosing to continue to have faith and believe in them knowing that they also have demons of duality to fight.
I have put others before myself and I have tried hard to be what others have needed me to be while trying to maintain some sense of me.
I do not fight just for the sake of fighting and I do not try harm others and I also try to not harm others.
In our pictures I saw me. And I saw many years of many adventures and sincere efforts. I saw others and the magic and tragic they have brought to my life.
While mostly the memories preserved were happy, it was also clear why I would have become so broken and lost. It is not surprising that the car accident caused such an intense PTSD and that so many things were blocked and/or knocked from my memory.
Life, as beautiful and exciting as it is, is also so very complex. Relationships are so very complex and   they effect us so very profoundly.
So where do I go from here?
Do I continue finding the old me, or do I create a whole new me?
I believe the best answer lies somewhere in between.
Now off to conquer the world one sandcastle pile of dirty laundry at a time.

The Deep Psychology of Me

Humans are incredibly complex beings and yet sometimes I wonder if we really are all that complex. The same formulas, to trick and deceive people or to help and to build and all areas in between, work again and again; often repackaged in a trendy new way.

And if you really break things down so much is fundamentally the same. Their are commonalities across cultures, religions, races, etc. 

And yet we are so different and so many things go into the making and breaking of each person. 

It can be perplexing. 

The beauty in diversity and the dangers in conformity. These words can be just as true in the reverse. 

sigh...

my head is complex

and yet maybe not so much.

Right now I feel I am getting stronger but in it I also feel I am developing and/or nurturing habits of idleness and unmotivated lack of self discipline. I feel overwhelmed by all I feel I should do and that is bungled up by what I can do...

And so I do very little while I think very big. Likely afraid of my own shadow.

thus

...To blog

or not to blog?

that is the question.

blogging I feel like I am at least trying. I am at least putting it out there and maybe, maybe it will help someone else. 

plus, sometimes, when I choose to blog, on low-key sick days like today it forces me to face my deep psychology, to own it, to understand it, to even work through it. 

Or maybe that is what I tell myself to feel better about this somewhat satisfying waste of time?

What am I doing now? why do I undermine myself, my actions and my strengths?

I don't know but right now that is not the psychology of me I wish to examine. Right now I am very curious about bipolar and the effects that a therapist can have on a person. I am not sure if and what the link is in my personal case but I am fairly certain there is one.

But to bipolar

Why aren't there tests or ways to diagnose mania with physical/physiological evidence? I can tell you there was definitely something physiological happening. You can feel it. 

And I really want to know what it is. What is happening to a person's body and brain when that is happening. It should not be dismissed because it is so damn intense and it can be very scary. And Dr. She is correct, a persons rational/ sound reasoning continues to fade without proper treatment. 

I think about this now because I have stabilized enough to start forgetting and to start thinking maybe I would be fine without medication. I even think back to the beginning of the mania and think, "maybe now, knowing what I know, I could actually sustain that initial clarity, energy, spirituality, etc." I seem to especially think this when I read, see, or learn about things that are ethereal and/or transcendental. 

...but then I am reminded by things like watching The Greatest Showman, that I do not have the self discipline, or something, necessary  to contain, reframe and utilize my internal circus. I wish I were capable of tapping into that power to produce a tangible product and/or consortium that is reflective of that...

But I have failed there again and again. 

So I suppose it is not surprising I lack confidence. 

SO how do I change that?

They say you can't really understand the American Dream if you were born and raised in America. I think you can't really understand psychology if you were born and raised in a psychologically healthy environment and you are considered psychologically stable. 

so further down this rabbit hole...

but actually, maybe this is working my way out. 

A thing happened a few weeks ago. 

1st background clarification and my disclaimer is that this information cannot and should not be used without this background information. This confession is intended to analyze my own psychology in a way that may help others and to help me process the emotions I have packed away and compartmentalized. It is to help illustrate the psychology of people and meant to help people, including myself, come to terms with and understand they reasons for their sometimes painful psychological responses/reactions. 

Now remember when I was trying to figure out and stay ahead of the manic-bipolar and who-knows-what-else messed up place my head was in a year and so ago? Well, back then, I realized a thing or two about my ex-neuropsychologist and I also knew, just like he said, I didn't really know who he was. And not because, as he believed, I only knew what he allowed me to see, (because obviously I could see through some of his masks and games or things would not have ended as they had) but because I understood there was a lot effecting my perceptions of him but very little was grounded in reality. I say this because the therapeutic environment is not reality. I also knew that some of what I did see suggested he might be something else entirely. I knew, and he confirmed, that I really did not know who or what I was dealing with in that place that both broke me and gave me super powers (though unstable super-powers). So I did what any logically minded intelligent person does when they are trying to figure something out and need answers. I researched. I researched him. THIS IS NOT STALKING (though it is likely important to note that was an epiphany he either had or was suggesting to me. Maybe a warning that he would/or could make it appear that is what I was if I ventured to contact him. I don't know, the psychology of that day was extremely complex and twisted into a not-so-perfect storm of yin and yang).  When you find that out that the person you thought you knew in whatever the relationship was is maybe not what you thought, researching them is often a wise thing to do. For me, knowing who and what this man was could help me make sense of what had happened. And there is nothing that says I cannot research my medical providers or even that I may not try to contact them. However there are rules that state you have the right to
"Receive information about the individuals providing care, services, and treatment." (IHC Patient Rights )

But in my research I found the address for his home. I obviously have not used it for anything, and I know, based on things he told me, that it was likely not his home anymore but his ex-wife's. But I remembered the location. 

On a different note of background info, I have been looking to move since they took the horses away and turned the fields behind our house into a neighborhood. I have never particularly loved the location of our house but the privacy, view, and peacefulness of the horse pastures made it ok. When that left, I wanted to go too, so I have been watching the housing market from Ogden to SLC for years. I have long desired to move closer to SLC so I check some favored areas now and again even though my husband is not as keen to that idea. 

And now to the psychology of processing the event of a couple of weeks ago. In my scanning of homes for sale I noticed a home in a particular location that was familiar. I clicked on it to find that it was his, (Dr. P, Dr. He, Dr. Perri Cheri's)  old home. 

You can learn a lot about a person from their home. 

Or be completely fooled by the same token. 

I clicked through the pictures and it was very clearly confirmed that this was the home of his family. 

It was interesting at first, a little funny because I had stumbled onto it, but most it was very unsettling to me. It really bothered me.

Why this bothered me so much is strange to me. 

I thought about scheduling a showing, just to see what might come of that, just to satisfy some curiosity, and maaaybeee even to scare him a little. I thought about it for research reasons. Since I am not actually a stalker I did not feel any overwhelming, insatiable desire to do so, so I didn't.  If I had felt that I am certain I would have succumbed to it simply because of the locations of my TBI scarrings. 

So there is that and that is something.
Also I have finally come to accept that he (and they) truly is (are) and will use anything they can against me, and I am not actually interested in the property, so desire to schedule a showing passed rather quickly. 

Yet I was so deeply bothered that his house, his perfect charming, obviously well loved and well cared for house was being sold. 

Why did this bother me so deeply? The psychology of things like this can be so perplexing. It does not matter to me, it effects me in no way, I have no ties to any of this...

So why did it bother me so very much?

I cried and cried. I tried not allowing myself to think about it. I pushed it out of my head only to have it fall onto my heart and break it again, making these strange emotions spill out of my eyes again and again. 

I had to face something. 

Some deep psychology of something.

So why?

Was it because I was sad for his wife and kids?

Was it because I was afraid they were loosing there home?

Did this fear cause me to feel some fear of responsibility if I were to continue down the legal path I feel I have to follow because of how poorly I was handled and treated and the problems it has caused me and my family?

Was it because I had come to love his family due to the things he had shared with me about them and because I had loved him?

Was it simply confusion of emotions due to the mania that was so screwed with?

Was it because some part of me was afraid of loosing him even more since I would no longer have that ability to contact him or learn more about him? 

Did it bring up grieving that loss again?

What was it? and why?

Obviously it was all of those things. 

It was nothing and everything all at the same time, all tied up in a package of false hopes and manic fed and denied fantasies that I will shamelessly (okay, I'm not actually to that point yet) admit because that was my messed up reality that I was diligently striving to straighten out. 

And THAT THERE just might be the main reason it got to me; evidence of how hard I was trying to piece together and understand my reality despite the intensity of those emotions and my attachment to this man that was not real, even though it was and he was and I really did see things of him that were real and that I did connect with and love.

... and I feel strongly that this is why it is such an abuse for one person to make all the calls and not compromise at all even though it was their paid for job to care for and protect that person. 

It is hypocritical, contradictory, and abusive for therapists to have these intimate relationships and then to instantly pull the plug with no regard for the other person and how it is effecting them. Or to believe that no contact and no further discussion is fair if it is all entirely on their terms and the patients pleas are ignored no matter what. They can claim they are threatened or feel threatened and they have an automatic out, and if they truly are being threatened then I do not disagree with that, but the claim should not be used as an offensive preemptive strike, that is fraudulent AND slanderous. 

...and here I go, thinking to process the emotional disturbance of his house for sale, but sliding easily back into my disgruntled frustration about the irresponsible and unjust abuses of their power and of their blatant malpractice. It is extra frustrating because he was not simply a therapist but was my neuropsychologist and filling a much more medical role than a therapist role. He also has (or should) the training, education and licensing to diagnosis, which he obviously missed or used against me. 

These realities, at least, are helping me to see the reality of his lies and how I was simply a game to him and maybe even to them.
...Which at least helps set my heart free from the trap he tried to lock it in. 

Is this the deep psychology of me or of psychology?

"Respect MY AuthOR-i-TYE" ...naahh

Every time someone tells me I need to let it go I feel like, more than anything, it feeds my fire. I try real hard not to get angry and overly defensive. I try to examine the psychology of this reaction and ask why.
Sometimes it bothers me less than other times.
I think it especially fuels my fire when it is coming from people who know very little and/or who have tried very little to understand.
I also think I feel my fire being fueled because it has always gotten my goat how infrequently we actually have the courage to stand up for each other and how much re-victimizing is happening in our world because we expect the victims to "just let it go" and "get over it" when abuses and/or problems are still happening and when there are so many things that could be changed if people would just speak up and expect the change. While there is some need for "letting it go," and for forgiveness, there is also a lot of abuse and maybe a bit of conspiracy to this often overly used premise.
A movie review.
We watched the movie "Ford Vs. Ferrari" and mostly I loved it. I especially loved that it celebrated and honored Ken Miles.
But, what I did not love, was the subliminal message that so many movies and media sources feed to all of us common folk; That our submission to those in power and who have money is noble and honorable. And, regardless of how poorly they may treat us, that our dedication and loyalty should lie with those who have power over us and/or have financially funded, in any way, any part of what we have done.
It is times like this that I see just how much of a nonconforming conformist I really am.
I really do my best to conform to societies rules and expectations if I see the value to them and if they are beneficial to humanity... but when I don't see the point or if it the conformity goes against my core values, or ideals of humanity... I get all light up.
I think I may become something akin to a damned-if-I-do-damned-if-I-don't fireball of utopian ideals and ...integrity, I suppose, though I may be just as lit up at myself for my own cowardice and hypocrisy.
I wish I knew better how to direct and utilize this part of me.
A power source that can both comfort and terrify; that can both nourish and drain people.
....and as I am loosing my focus, my mind wanders to one of my recent epiphanies
If people be power trippin' on you, than you must be a significant source of power.