Writing it out in my safe place

Sometimes I am kind of a jerk. Not very often is it intentional.
Right now maybe it is a touch intentional as I am being one to the friend that thinks I had thought myself into a rabbit hole.
I am refusing to read his text after I gave a blunt and calling-out-your-bullshit-kiss-off-back-at-you text in reply to his kiss-off text.
His message is a repeat of others. He wants to remain aligned with the views that I challenge and he wants me to bugger off but he also does not want to feel guilty about telling me to bugger off or for not wanting to help the way he had previously suggested he would or was willing to.
I get the feeling from him that I am a thorn in his side and a pain in his ass and therefore I should be grateful that he has carried me as said thorn/pain as long as he has.
I disagree.
I think I need to stop trying to nurture, salvage and make amends in relationships with people that view me as such.
So I am negotiating in this hurtful friendship end. I can allow him the end he desires but I am refusing to honor him as a hero and good friend in the way he is attempting to end things and in his timing.
I am lighting my side of the bridge on fire so he can stop shooting the camouflaged fiery darts over to make sure the bridge catches and appears to burn down from my side.
They have not been that good of friends for years, as they keep trying to replace us and only utilize us as their friends when their attempted replacements don't work out as planned. I wonder if they think we don't notice this.
I don't need those kind of friends and I need to stop waiting in the wings loving them regardless always hoping for their return.
So I am being a jerk.
Or am I safeguarding?
The last three texts sent by said friend have started with subtle jabs or backhanded comments and that is as far as I am willing to read.
Maybe I am being too sensitive because I am extra sensitive right now.
Dr. She says it is okay, normal and expected that I am gun shy and too nervous about friends and trying to pursue any old or new goals right now. She says after what I have been through and the hurts of these last couple of years she would be more worried if I was not.
I ask her to read the long text from said friend that I could not bring myself to read. She does and thinks it is better, more human and sincere than the last one, she gives me the cliff notes. I ask her if I should try to salvage that friendship. She says it is up to me. She says I may get hurt again because we are human and people make mistakes, which she knows I already know, but basically I have to decide if it is worth it for me and she says, whatever I decide is the right answer for me.
I think on this.
I think about reading the text but
"Running the risk of offering up more "shit," I wanted to apologize" feels backhanded and I don't trust. I find I need to safeguard so that is where I stop reading again.
I think about what has been said and what has been consistent. I realize that what has been consistent is the desire to end the relationship. It feels very much like he is using these events to justify that. It feels as though he is jumping on the bandwagon and that does not feel good. I think I do not need that. I think maybe it would be best to severe ties.
So I give a reply that will help with that -severing the ties- but I refuse to honor him as a hero in it and I take a stand for myself. I share some of the things he has not bothered to ask about that I am trying to come to terms with and that are effecting even that conversation.  Some of what I say and how I say it is mimicking his patterns/methods. I let him know that even though I have no energy or desire to read his text, I am open to speaking in person.
He texts, another long text, back.
"Sounds like I am writing to myself then. I am glad you have proper care givers..." that is far as I can go. Ordering tests and the words on the MRI are not proper care givers. In fact I am far from it. I still have a 4 month wait to see the TBI neurologist and one that I hope I can understand better than Dr. Odd. Dr. Odd who does not see people for TBI but would see me for the tremors. And a good thing, since it allowed me to get the testing done in a year that I had met my out of pocket max, but he says contradictory things and is definitely not the right guy to have treating for the stuff I have going on; too much contradiction and uncertainty in his views. After a ridiculous amount of effort just to get an appointment with the endocrinologist I still have not met with him either. And my psychiatric PA is still trying hard to get me in with the neurology department she would like me to see. She has been trying since August and the best we have is a letter saying I am on the waiting list to even schedule an appointment. So the comment annoys me and is further evidence of his intention to remain ignorant. Plus the first comment, again, feels backhanded or like a subtle jab. I am a bit to tender right now, so I do not respond well to the jabs. So again I refuse to read the long texts and reiterate part of why, but once again say I might be open to conversation in person.
The last text, he is clearly mad as evidenced by the first few words that I cannot avoid reading [due to the fact that they show up without even opening and I am a good enough reader that I do not have to focus on every word individually] but I do my best to avoid reading.
At this point I am feeling a touch sorry but I also know I am giving him at least half of what he wants and I think maybe he is showing a lack of respect for my terms by continuing to text when I told him I was not open to that form of communication.
I am temped to text him back and say, "look, all three of your last texts start off with subtle backhandedness or slight jabs, I don't feel safe continuing to read and I gave you an alternative form of communication I would be more open to."
But I just don't think I am going to get anywhere and I really don't need to keep going back to people who perceive me to be something I am not nor want to be. I have made plenty of mistakes, and I have been a pain in the ass at times, I am sure; I can own these, but I have also been dismissed and discredited in many ways and I really don't need that.
So...
Here I am writing out, instead of continuing in a pointless impasse fight.

You think, therefore I am? No

"Because you chose tough," says Renée, "You don't want to be a victim, you are intelligent and an empath."
"You seem okay and appear to be okay so therefore you must be" and they will not allow you to shake their world views or perceptions. "They double down" says Dr. She "so therefore it must be you that is wrong."
This is why people want to miss and dismiss the troubles of TBI.
This is why people don't want to help or believe their could ever be a problem with the medical providers who missed and dismissed.
I am fortunate, says Renée because mine is at least easily proven by MRI.

The magicians hat.

“Once there was a little bunny who wanted to run away. So he said to his mother, ‘I am running away.’
‘If you run away,’ said his mother, ‘I will run after you. For you are my little bunny’…”
This is the beginning of one of my most favorite childhood books. It is by Margaret Wise Brown with pictures by Clement Hurd. The words were running through my brain our last few days in Mexico.
...

I think this story appeals to me not just because the little bunny's desire to run away resonates but maybe also because I crave the relationship he has with his mother. She will continue to go after him. Her statements following his always an "if you do then I will follow you and become whatever I need to be there with and for you and love you." 

It is such a sweet premise and such a desirable ideal. It is my wish to be loved that much. I believe most people wished to be loved that much. 

But it is not real.

Just a sweet children's story book that feeds those silly ideals.

...

Also I think I am addicted to this blog. 

It offers me rather instant and usually seemingly effective relief when I need it. 

But I find myself wondering if it is entirely good or healthy.

Why do I judge or think I need to judge this?

Are some addictions good and healthy? 

The runners high can be addicting

and it is said to be good and healthy

But is it?

I suppose I wonder this today, because I feel sad and melancholy, and I don't really want to.

I feel a bit lost and insecure when I think what to do with myself from here. 

I feel very beat down in my big ideas making it feel pointless to pursue since I lack influence and support, thus I feel I do not have the courage or energy to pursue them.

I want to keep believing...

but I also want to 

disappear. 

more rational manic

One of my writings is up on my computer, not sure why. It is dated Dec. 11, 2018 and I wrote it while we were on the flight to Italy. I am not sure if I would have been still considered manic at that time.
What I wrote is logical and makes sense. I understood the situation I was in very well, it seems. It even seems I was more logical and rational about it then. And I wonder how that was even possible because I know I had been manic and things, at least in my mind, had gotten so crazy.
How is it I was so much more logical and rational when I was in that still somewhat manic phase?
As I read I remember the feeling of needing things addressed then. I remember feeling angry when I finally did get put on a mood stabilizer because, surely, it would have been so much easier if I had been put on something way back in January when I went to Dr. R (Concussion Dr) after returning from Italy, knowing I was not functioning normal and wanting to discuss it but not sure how because I was trying to protect Dr. P. Way back when Dr. R recognized that I needed one but then proceeded down a path that did not make sense to me in giving me the names for 2 PA's at less suitable and fitting practices, and expecting me to make the appointments and follow through with that. I did try by-the-way.
But mostly as I read I vaguely remember something that Dr. She said about how if it is truly mania or bipolar than a person will progressively loose touch with reality. If we were to graph it the mood and mental state would continue on a downward slant if it was, but it would not if a person just experiencing a high time or something else, not bipolar or true mania.
... That is what happened. Even as I was waking up from mania in various phases I was loosing touch with reality and slipping deeper and deeper into depression also. I was fighting hard to keep grounded and fighting hard to stay sane, but it was getting progressively worse and I was definitely working hard to maintain that footing.
It knots my throat up and moistens my eyes.
It has been such a messed up messy mess and such a bizarre fight for survival

the wrong climate for fair weather friends

I'm tired as we are driving back to our Airbnb in Cozumel. I feel a bit forlorn, maybe just because I am tired. I am not thinking about things. I am enjoying this vacation. It is the  Christmas and Birthday presents I surprised my husband with. He deserves this vacation, especially considering the shit I have put him through this last year, so I have made it that, vacation for him; committed to letting it be whatever he wants. And mostly I have done well with that.
...but tonight, with 3 nights left I feel a touch sad. This alternate reality is going to end and I feel a little lost.
... I think about what I am going to do when I get home and
 I think I have lost myself.
I wonder who I am.
Then my husband says something about staying here and how it is so much less lonely here. I feel that too and I am glad I am not the only one, but I also know I would probably have the same problems here.
I apologize to my husband for not being able to keep friends and he says rather quickly and bluntly that they are all ... not going to repeat his choice of words but it made me cry ... probably with gratitude that he does not blame me and he appreciates me. It also makes me cry because I don't want to go home to the cold state that I live in. I don't belong there.
...but then again
Where do I belong?
and who am I?
I am lost.
and yet I am not sure a person can be lost if they never really belonged anywhere.
So I am not sure I have ever really known who I am in this moment.
I thought I had it. For a brief moment in time I thought I knew who I was and I was finding me...
...but then it was mania.
and then denied by the very people who are supposed to know and the one place in the world that felt safe, calm, and like home to me.
So the denial confused me
it then meant I was the forbidden fantasy of the very person I needed most.
And I did need him
he was helping me find me
...but once again I found myself with
a person I loved and needed not able to handle me.... And I was sure he could... if only he would try.
So I was the forbidden fantasy of the man who was finding me and helping me to see that I could be me, loved, and I could love me.
...but...
 in reality I know it is/was not a forbidden fantasy - rather he told me things in a way that left it open to interpretation, implying what he thought might help me but more importantly what would protect himself while getting him out and away from me -from the fantasy he knew he should not have played with, but too late.
so what am I?
A toy?
to my husband now?
to get back at him; my transference that betrayed me?  A toy to my husband to try and break free of the those manic meaningful moments where I knew I was no longer my husbands or even my own person but his. These ideas solidly reinforced by too many months and too many games played with my broken mind by the him and the Institute that protects him.
This is what happens when therapists play with their very fragile and vulnerable patients. This is what happens when the people we need, who we love and trust, use us as play things and then discard us. 
It is not well and good. It is not fair. It is very very wrong. If it is mistake, play fair and fix it, but they don't. They lie and hide because you are never the only one and you are not so special; it is their game.

And people back at home say shit like "what are you trying to do?"
Well,
I am fighting for my husband.
I am trying to get my head straight
and to set the record straight
and I am also speaking out against a man who played with me
and then made a mess of things when it came to getting the help I needed
or -to cover his ass and tracks- he manipulated me so that I would make a mess of things in trying to get the help I needed.
I am bringing this to light, because if that is what it was, it needs to be brought to light and addressed.
I am trying to set the institution straight
that kept this nonsense going for far too long when I was trusting them to be the medical providers they are supposed to be. When I was begging for help in my oh-so-put-together way while I was so incredibly broken, unstable, and vulnerable but refusing to be that or a victim. When I was crying for help because my brain was and is literally broken and it was being missed and dismissed.
I am speaking up and out against the doctor that messed things up by not ordering tests that would have shown the damage and injury and other anomalies in the first place.
Maybe, had they done their jobs and due diligence Dr. He would not have played with me the way he had. Maybe. but still, he did, and that needs to be addressed.
I am crying out for the misunderstood of mentally ill and the TBI, and the people who genuinely try.
I will not relent.
I cannot
because to loose one's mind is a scary thing and trying to find and/or hold yourself together while going through it is immensely difficult and should not be so discredited and dismissed
especially by those who are supposed to help
and could benefit from that kind of knowledge, experience, and ability to do just that.
That is what I am up to,
my fair weather friends,
this is what I am up to...
...and maybe I am not so lost after all. Maybe I am exactly who I need to be and where I need to be, Maybe I really am finding me.

Silver Linings

Psychiatric PA says, "that is not a good spot for injury" referring to the location of the visible scaring and encephalomalacia. She is also the one who said something about the prolonged mania and bipolar  like mood instability being "hard on brains."
BUT
here in Cancun we discovered one advantage to these two trials, tragedies, traumas, or whatever you want call them: when you are in a timeshare style presentation, your brain will inevitably get tired and then the unstable emotions may come out.
AND you can clam having brain damage and not be lying.
So yesterday, during the high pressure sales presentation we were sitting so I was facing a very large sunny window after we had been inundated with information and I felt soooo tired. I was having a hard time keeping my eyes open. Probably the fact that we had started our travels at 2 am the previous day and we were in a foreign country where we were exhorted for significant amounts for auto insurance buy the car company people and speeding by the police, did not help. But as my brain was feeling the exhaustion and my cognitive stamina was wanting I could feel the emotions starting to surface. I felt like crying. For no reason other than I was tired really. But the mental fatigue was making it very difficult for me to pay attention and to follow all of their deals and jargon. The sales kid was starting to get annoyed. I tried to explain I wasn't okay and he decided we should not waste each others time so he gave up and took us to who I am certain is the closer. He starts breaking into his sales spiel. I try to explain that I need to go lay down, he keeps up his talk and I find myself covering my face as crocodile tears start to run uncontrollably down my face. Closer is a bit confused. My husband explains that I am not feeling well and I really need to go lay down. The closer quickly shows us the bottom line deal and excuses because the tears just won't stop. I apologize and we return to our room so I can rest and reset my tired broken brain. It was annoying and silly but at least it got us off the hook rather quickly from feeling obligated to purchase a vacation points system that is way to confusing and we still get to enjoy the all inclusive amenities for the remaining 4 days we are booked here.

How to temper the temper.

I got to see Dr. She today. I needed this appointment. She is glad I had the MRI's and I am getting some answers. She wants me to continue down the rabbit hole and that is so funny to me that she says it that way because the "friend" that was claiming to help and be there but ultimately is too scared to stand up for me in reality and legalities, accused me of thinking myself into a rabbit hole. I tried to explain that it was really more the other way around. In mania and PTSD and what ever was going on with my head and Dr. P, the rabbit hole got me and I have actually been trying to think myself out of it.  Old "friend" psychologically would like to still be the hero, so he finds ways to blame me to relieve himself of the guilt of misleading when he really does not want to be involved, so he says, "that is just what you have to tell yourself to feel good about what you are doing."
Really, what a jerk thing to say. and the bipolar brain damaged part of me wants to unleash and explode they way my body caves to and the way I rightfully could given my ailments or conditions. It can be hard to refrain, sometimes even harder when medicated because then you really know just how big of a jerk they other person is being and since you aren't having to work so damn hard to keep yourself together and all your emotions contained sometimes the emotions sneak out because you have been able to relax some.
So it is very funny to me that Dr. She who is very knowledgable, experienced and qualified is telling me to continue on chasing through this rabbit hole.
At a different point I tell her I feel like lashing out at friends (like the above mentioned.) I ask her permission or her thoughts.
I love that she points out the location and types of injuries as evidenced by my MRI's and lets me know that my lashing out and/or wanting to actually corresponds to my injuries. It is an expected behavior. She says more, and in much more intelligent ways than I can't reiterate, and I wish I could reiterate better (another difficulty for me due to the locations of injuries) because it is so funny and validating.
But as I push for her permission, she reminds me of the realities of why I am asking and why I resist lashing out. She advises. And that is exactly what I need at times. It is very helpful when those urges become so overwhelming. This is also another way I have learned to cope and handle my disabilities and intensities. I ask for help. I ask for permission and I have worked hard to resist urges that may be damaging. At times, if I can frame it in this way, I can hold off an exploding, until I have been granted permission. And permission is usually not given but conversation allows for some outlet of the pressure and often I can avoid an explosion altogether. People likely don't realize how much permission I really ask for and I am certain they do not understand that I am actually asking for permission. I am pretty good at controlling emotions in this way. But not always perfect and my passions come out to bite me in the butt from time to time.
I have noticed it is especially difficult when I am under stress or tired.
That is common for most people I believe, but multiplied and/or heightened for me.
Just like the likelihood of suicide.
It can take a lot of effort to be level and "normal" when your regulators are damaged.
Like I have said before, sometimes I want to show people just how big of a pain in the ass I have not been. But I mostly resist.
Your Welcome.
Love,
Me