more rational manic

One of my writings is up on my computer, not sure why. It is dated Dec. 11, 2018 and I wrote it while we were on the flight to Italy. I am not sure if I would have been still considered manic at that time.
What I wrote is logical and makes sense. I understood the situation I was in very well, it seems. It even seems I was more logical and rational about it then. And I wonder how that was even possible because I know I had been manic and things, at least in my mind, had gotten so crazy.
How is it I was so much more logical and rational when I was in that still somewhat manic phase?
As I read I remember the feeling of needing things addressed then. I remember feeling angry when I finally did get put on a mood stabilizer because, surely, it would have been so much easier if I had been put on something way back in January when I went to Dr. R (Concussion Dr) after returning from Italy, knowing I was not functioning normal and wanting to discuss it but not sure how because I was trying to protect Dr. P. Way back when Dr. R recognized that I needed one but then proceeded down a path that did not make sense to me in giving me the names for 2 PA's at less suitable and fitting practices, and expecting me to make the appointments and follow through with that. I did try by-the-way.
But mostly as I read I vaguely remember something that Dr. She said about how if it is truly mania or bipolar than a person will progressively loose touch with reality. If we were to graph it the mood and mental state would continue on a downward slant if it was, but it would not if a person just experiencing a high time or something else, not bipolar or true mania.
... That is what happened. Even as I was waking up from mania in various phases I was loosing touch with reality and slipping deeper and deeper into depression also. I was fighting hard to keep grounded and fighting hard to stay sane, but it was getting progressively worse and I was definitely working hard to maintain that footing.
It knots my throat up and moistens my eyes.
It has been such a messed up messy mess and such a bizarre fight for survival