The magicians hat.

“Once there was a little bunny who wanted to run away. So he said to his mother, ‘I am running away.’
‘If you run away,’ said his mother, ‘I will run after you. For you are my little bunny’…”
This is the beginning of one of my most favorite childhood books. It is by Margaret Wise Brown with pictures by Clement Hurd. The words were running through my brain our last few days in Mexico.
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I think this story appeals to me not just because the little bunny's desire to run away resonates but maybe also because I crave the relationship he has with his mother. She will continue to go after him. Her statements following his always an "if you do then I will follow you and become whatever I need to be there with and for you and love you." 

It is such a sweet premise and such a desirable ideal. It is my wish to be loved that much. I believe most people wished to be loved that much. 

But it is not real.

Just a sweet children's story book that feeds those silly ideals.

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Also I think I am addicted to this blog. 

It offers me rather instant and usually seemingly effective relief when I need it. 

But I find myself wondering if it is entirely good or healthy.

Why do I judge or think I need to judge this?

Are some addictions good and healthy? 

The runners high can be addicting

and it is said to be good and healthy

But is it?

I suppose I wonder this today, because I feel sad and melancholy, and I don't really want to.

I feel a bit lost and insecure when I think what to do with myself from here. 

I feel very beat down in my big ideas making it feel pointless to pursue since I lack influence and support, thus I feel I do not have the courage or energy to pursue them.

I want to keep believing...

but I also want to 

disappear.