Dr. She tells me I present very well, but regardless she says "at the moment they felt you were stalking they should have had you admitted."
And I have to say I full heartedly agree with that, because that would have been back in January as there is sufficient evidence in medical records and email that this was being suggested by the Institutionees even back that far.
If that had happened I would likely have tried to convince them that I did not need to go... but maybe I would not have. Either way, the mere suggestion of it would have sent me into a strange fit that would not have been deniable and made clear that I needed the added care and observation.
Had I been hospitalized/institutionalized at that point the providers at whatever facility would have seen the varying degrees and the bizarre rapid cycling mood instability I was experiencing. I most certainly would have then been put on the mood stabilizer that Dr. Concussion saw and acknowledged I needed but avoided providing due to her conversation with Dr. He and the proceeding labeling of me as a Liability.
I would have received the care I needed and the stupid romantic transference-countertransference feedings would have ended then and there.
But alas, it is far too complex -Or is it diabolical?- in that they were, or he was, not actually concerned about me stalking but was rather trying to build that image of me. The concern about it was not actually there, rather it was their attempts to build a case against me...
Conspiracy theory?
Unfortunately it is not. and even if it had merely been their attempts to make me appear to be a stalker that they had me admitted for it would have been a good move for me, because I desperately needed that kind/level of care, assessment, evaluation, observation and medication.
This really is the reality the evidence suggests. So many questions beg to be answered like, did they keep me untreated on purpose, not have me admitted because that could potentially work against them in the mistakes that had been made? I would not think so and actually I know so, because it would have been so much better to get the help then and to reconcile.... Unless of course they were the frauds it appears they may be... and so it goes, reality meets insanity and who is really crazy here? Because the truth is I was not stalking, I was there seeking help. I was trying to understand what was going on with my head while trying to protect Dr. He the way he had manipulated or conditioned me too and because I really did genuinely care for him.
I have wondered about that, if it was genuine or the product of manipulation.
Dr. She answered this question for me when I asked how it was that my heart physically hurt for the entire time between the appointment Dr. P dropped me and when I finally got back to him two weeks later. I wanted to know how it was that just seeing him and when I was with him those last two appointments my heart had settled and did not hurt, but would continue to again (though to a lesser degree) after I left He. Dr. She said it is because I genuinely cared for him.... and I know this it true... because, stupidly even still, I still do. Even though he deserves it not at all and even though I have to turn him in because there is a chance he is a master manipulator who plays with his patients regularly AND because I am worth standing up for. I am worth being heard and respected and -now this is leading into a post I have been meaning to write- it is reckless and scary that they would deny mania and mess with me the way they did. There is or are many things very wrong with how I was handled and THAT is why I cannot just let it go. They are medical providers that behaved incredibly irresponsibly, carelessly and recklessly and even if I really truly am an isolated incident, I deserve to have this addressed and actions and records corrected appropriately on my behalf. They cannot deny mania, that is morally, ethically, occupationally, and medically wrong and it was very dangerous and irresponsible.
Not going to edit yet, actually time to get going.
Good Morning.
ps- the majority of my post titles are meant to be humorous. They at least make me laugh in spite of some not so funny stuff they address.
Monday, December 23, 2019
many hands make light work
Sleep deprived? Definitely. Though at the moment, aside from the occasional yawn, I am not feeling it.
I opted to sleep in the extra bedroom so as not to keep my husband up, especially since he went to bed not feeling too well. He thought he was just overly tired. However, not sleeping myself, I could hear him across the hall not sleeping well at all. I decided to head to my bed knowing that I often sleep better when he is by my side. He had been sick. He is sick now.
He is hot and cold, sweating while cold to touch, tossing and turning and he has now had to escape to the bathroom 3 times to wretch his insides out.
It is very unpleasant for him and I hate that I am powerless.
As I listen to him hurling in the bathroom I am reminded of when I had my daughter. I remember how I only puked three days; the day when I found out I was pregnant, the day I found out she was a girl and the day I had her. All three for various reasons that were probably not so much morning sickness. In fact the day I had her it was because I had been induced with an induction that was too hard and too fast. I had been induced after having labor stopped about 2 weeks prior, because she was too small.
And the story is very fascinating really, as my stories so often are. For example, I didn't know I was in labor, couldn't feel the contractions until after they had medicated me to stop them. It was only caught because I was measuring too small, too small despite the fact that I had gained about twice what is considered "healthy pregnancy weight gain," but it was okay because my almost 5'7" athletic frame started the pregnancy at about 103 lbs. Induced because her heart rate dropped while being monitored, it turned out her umbilical cord was too short, and yet she still scored a perfect 10 on the Apgar. The first or one of very few the midwife had ever given. She was shocked considering. So basically after my daughter had the heart stopping thrill of bungee-ing out of me she scored a 10 on the Apgar. That's just how we role in this family.
Those are just a touch of the peculiarities of my pregnancy I was reminded of as I am listen to my poor husband puking his guts out the way I did 6 times that first night I found out I was pregnant when he was out of town. And as I think of this and my mind then wanders on to so many details of our life together, our children, etc, I am struck by just how little we ever get to share or know of the back stories that are so very influential to our lives.
Back stories; we know so little of each other.
And another story I want to share, as I am attempting to achieve that sleep deprived feeling -but I think it best to post is as it's own post.
Which may make these posts appear to be evolving into magnificent mania and surely this is mimicking the start, but so far I am not feeling the push back or high feelings so hopefully after EEG is completed and the systems are medicated again we will not cross over. (we being all of the me's ... and I am reminded of: "but my personality is still changing too much" I pleaded the day he dropped me unexpectedly).
I opted to sleep in the extra bedroom so as not to keep my husband up, especially since he went to bed not feeling too well. He thought he was just overly tired. However, not sleeping myself, I could hear him across the hall not sleeping well at all. I decided to head to my bed knowing that I often sleep better when he is by my side. He had been sick. He is sick now.
He is hot and cold, sweating while cold to touch, tossing and turning and he has now had to escape to the bathroom 3 times to wretch his insides out.
It is very unpleasant for him and I hate that I am powerless.
As I listen to him hurling in the bathroom I am reminded of when I had my daughter. I remember how I only puked three days; the day when I found out I was pregnant, the day I found out she was a girl and the day I had her. All three for various reasons that were probably not so much morning sickness. In fact the day I had her it was because I had been induced with an induction that was too hard and too fast. I had been induced after having labor stopped about 2 weeks prior, because she was too small.
And the story is very fascinating really, as my stories so often are. For example, I didn't know I was in labor, couldn't feel the contractions until after they had medicated me to stop them. It was only caught because I was measuring too small, too small despite the fact that I had gained about twice what is considered "healthy pregnancy weight gain," but it was okay because my almost 5'7" athletic frame started the pregnancy at about 103 lbs. Induced because her heart rate dropped while being monitored, it turned out her umbilical cord was too short, and yet she still scored a perfect 10 on the Apgar. The first or one of very few the midwife had ever given. She was shocked considering. So basically after my daughter had the heart stopping thrill of bungee-ing out of me she scored a 10 on the Apgar. That's just how we role in this family.
Those are just a touch of the peculiarities of my pregnancy I was reminded of as I am listen to my poor husband puking his guts out the way I did 6 times that first night I found out I was pregnant when he was out of town. And as I think of this and my mind then wanders on to so many details of our life together, our children, etc, I am struck by just how little we ever get to share or know of the back stories that are so very influential to our lives.
Back stories; we know so little of each other.
And another story I want to share, as I am attempting to achieve that sleep deprived feeling -but I think it best to post is as it's own post.
Which may make these posts appear to be evolving into magnificent mania and surely this is mimicking the start, but so far I am not feeling the push back or high feelings so hopefully after EEG is completed and the systems are medicated again we will not cross over. (we being all of the me's ... and I am reminded of: "but my personality is still changing too much" I pleaded the day he dropped me unexpectedly).
Bright eyed and bushy tailed ...at 3am
Sleep deprived
I will definitely be that.
My daughter is who I am having come with
to be sure I can safely make the long drive (she is a driver now so she can take over if I can not)
and be the extra set of ears.
She loves biology and is thinking about going into medicine.
Seemed like an okay choice
But I am not sleeping.
I have a bit
-a bit-
but my whole right leg is hurting
since physical therapy on Friday
that triggered a pretty severe pain in the appendix region... that still hurts
and my right leg feels week and sore.
my back
the part that has the bulging disc has been acting up
and it is a bit sore but not like the appendix region
maybe it is appendicitis ?
I am tired. I feel even a bit nauseous
is it appendicitis or is it tired?
my brain is bothered
it seems like he knew stuff about this and the possible tie to head injury
He who broke me and worried only about saving himself?
Why head, why?
The repeat starts
of words and phrases, feelings and figurings...
What was real? what was perceived?
But I know, as I have a million times, but wanted to deny to myself and everyone,
that he had played with me... when he should not have.
Grooming of some form or another
the fire he played in and then tried to let die...
Intentional? Accidental?
Was I the first or the last in a long line of many? Somewhere in between?
He played
"don't try to solve this"
"I told you not to try and solve this"
"I have tested your brain in ways you don't even know"
"What we have had is a beautiful thing and I would not want to fuck that up"
"I don't need more friends"
"I meant everything that I said"
.... repeats
that started right away
-my fight or flight-
the natural reaction to a threat
...a threat
punished for loving
the threat?
and I am
so delicately balanced.
my whole right leg is weak
Maybe I should text my dad. he rises early. he could take me
my children should not have to shoulder this burden
this burden that I am
but my dad...
My family
they do not understand and they do not want to.
they want to maintain there illusions that doctors are...
godlike?
Dr She, literally my hero, because without her intervention... I can't say where I would be
...faded and fading when I got to her.
Dr. She is not a fan of Dr. He
I understand why now.
At first when I went to her I still loved him in a silly childish and manic fed way. I still held onto what I wanted to believe: that he meant no harm, he made mistakes, and if only I could clarify and fix my mistakes he would come to his senses and fix, or -at very least- play fair.
Dr. She does not care about his motives they way I do. She cares about how it has effected me. Dr. She may or may not think I am worth standing up for and fighting for, but she does her job and feels responsibility for my safety and wellbeing... she says he is an idiot and at best was negligent at worst was malicious.
Dr. She wants me to be able to look back on Dr. He and roll my eyes.
She lets me talk about him still, when I need to, because I am making progress in processing and handling the trauma
and I am being responsible.
Talking to her is not "governing myself accordingly" based on the commands of the Institute's lawyer, because they do not want me talking to his colleagues.
Their demands and commands are not right. They are unjust and unconstitutional and their accusations false.
Delicately balanced it is
Reckless endangerment.
Viktor Frankl is who I become now
Not literally, but figuratively
or rather like him
in that to survive this incredibly delicate balancing act
-of psychology, really-
I observe myself and my psychology with the mind of a scientist.
a slight form of detachment probably
when I am so very attached
and I remember that earlier today
I like me even if others do not
and I have people that are supportive and that are looking out for me in their own playing-it-safe kind of ways.
I am loved and I am appreciated
...even if, at times, it is only by myself and God.
I like me
because I am tenacious
and forgiving
I try
I make mistakes
I take responsibility for my mistakes
I love
I play
I find and make adventures
I have met some of the most amazing and incredible people and I am so very lucky to have and to have had the acquaintances I have.
Life is a beautiful thing
and I love it and appreciate it
even when I don't -a place that I am so grateful I am no longer in.
So delicate balance for a day.
might make a mess of the holidays
but I'll recover
and find my adventures again.
...now
I sure hope that I will at least feel as sleep deprived as I will be at 10am
Goodnight again
... though I doubt I'll sleep
I am WIDE awake
hopefully ibuprofen will relax things enough..
ha
literally the lol variety-
a ha-ol
... big yawn as I proof read
-this is hope :)
goodnight
I will definitely be that.
My daughter is who I am having come with
to be sure I can safely make the long drive (she is a driver now so she can take over if I can not)
and be the extra set of ears.
She loves biology and is thinking about going into medicine.
Seemed like an okay choice
But I am not sleeping.
I have a bit
-a bit-
but my whole right leg is hurting
since physical therapy on Friday
that triggered a pretty severe pain in the appendix region... that still hurts
and my right leg feels week and sore.
my back
the part that has the bulging disc has been acting up
and it is a bit sore but not like the appendix region
maybe it is appendicitis ?
I am tired. I feel even a bit nauseous
is it appendicitis or is it tired?
my brain is bothered
it seems like he knew stuff about this and the possible tie to head injury
He who broke me and worried only about saving himself?
Why head, why?
The repeat starts
of words and phrases, feelings and figurings...
What was real? what was perceived?
But I know, as I have a million times, but wanted to deny to myself and everyone,
that he had played with me... when he should not have.
Grooming of some form or another
the fire he played in and then tried to let die...
Intentional? Accidental?
Was I the first or the last in a long line of many? Somewhere in between?
He played
"don't try to solve this"
"I told you not to try and solve this"
"I have tested your brain in ways you don't even know"
"What we have had is a beautiful thing and I would not want to fuck that up"
"I don't need more friends"
"I meant everything that I said"
.... repeats
that started right away
-my fight or flight-
the natural reaction to a threat
...a threat
punished for loving
the threat?
and I am
so delicately balanced.
my whole right leg is weak
Maybe I should text my dad. he rises early. he could take me
my children should not have to shoulder this burden
this burden that I am
but my dad...
My family
they do not understand and they do not want to.
they want to maintain there illusions that doctors are...
godlike?
Dr She, literally my hero, because without her intervention... I can't say where I would be
...faded and fading when I got to her.
Dr. She is not a fan of Dr. He
I understand why now.
At first when I went to her I still loved him in a silly childish and manic fed way. I still held onto what I wanted to believe: that he meant no harm, he made mistakes, and if only I could clarify and fix my mistakes he would come to his senses and fix, or -at very least- play fair.
Dr. She does not care about his motives they way I do. She cares about how it has effected me. Dr. She may or may not think I am worth standing up for and fighting for, but she does her job and feels responsibility for my safety and wellbeing... she says he is an idiot and at best was negligent at worst was malicious.
Dr. She wants me to be able to look back on Dr. He and roll my eyes.
She lets me talk about him still, when I need to, because I am making progress in processing and handling the trauma
and I am being responsible.
Talking to her is not "governing myself accordingly" based on the commands of the Institute's lawyer, because they do not want me talking to his colleagues.
Their demands and commands are not right. They are unjust and unconstitutional and their accusations false.
Delicately balanced it is
Reckless endangerment.
Viktor Frankl is who I become now
Not literally, but figuratively
or rather like him
in that to survive this incredibly delicate balancing act
-of psychology, really-
I observe myself and my psychology with the mind of a scientist.
a slight form of detachment probably
when I am so very attached
and I remember that earlier today
I like me even if others do not
and I have people that are supportive and that are looking out for me in their own playing-it-safe kind of ways.
I am loved and I am appreciated
...even if, at times, it is only by myself and God.
I like me
because I am tenacious
and forgiving
I try
I make mistakes
I take responsibility for my mistakes
I love
I play
I find and make adventures
I have met some of the most amazing and incredible people and I am so very lucky to have and to have had the acquaintances I have.
Life is a beautiful thing
and I love it and appreciate it
even when I don't -a place that I am so grateful I am no longer in.
So delicate balance for a day.
might make a mess of the holidays
but I'll recover
and find my adventures again.
...now
I sure hope that I will at least feel as sleep deprived as I will be at 10am
Goodnight again
... though I doubt I'll sleep
I am WIDE awake
hopefully ibuprofen will relax things enough..
ha
literally the lol variety-
a ha-ol
... big yawn as I proof read
-this is hope :)
goodnight
Sleep deprived, EEG, what adventure shall we see?? ...what me will I be?
Since I now have medical providers that actually give a shit and listen I go in for an EEG tomorrow. The neurologist, Dr. Odd, that I finally got into wants to see if he can find anything that would explain the tremors. The tremors that Concussion doctor ignored... or rather suggested I see a neurologist for but did not refer, ultimately claiming I should have the wrist orthopedic surgeon who first suggested it refer. I bring this up again because it was an inappropriate way for the Concussion doctor who had asked to be my primary care for anything car accident related and head injury related. I bring this up again because it annoys the hell out of me how some people I know and the Neuroscience Institute want to blow me off and brush me off and act like it was: a. that I did and/or are doing something wrong and/or b: I find myself having to defend myself to people who don't want to take the time to think about or understand what happened and why it is a big deal.
...I think I am not so bitter until I start to write, than I realize I am and I am also very angry. But you would not know this in observing my everydayness. You would not know this because I continually choose not to be, and so I am mostly not. However, there is obviously some deep resentment, because it sure comes out here.
So back on track
I have an EEG tomorrow morning at 10:00am and I am supposed to arrive sleep deprived. The instructions are very specific in their instructions to "go to bed and midnight and get up at 4:00am."
.... meds?
that was my question for Dr. Odd after the office lady went over the sheet of instructions with me.
I know if I take my new meds at the regular scheduled time I will not be able to stay awake until midnight. If I take them later then I will have an extremely difficult time getting up in the morning... I'll have an extremely difficult time getting up at 4 am if I take the new meds at all...
So, what do I do?
They kind of left it up to me.
Maybe don't take the meds.. I think that may have been the suggestion.
... that is what I have opted for so far.
And
This has made me nervous.
I find myself being extra busy tonight and even extra productive.
I think I am much more nervous about this idea of messing with meds much more than I care to admit to myself.
I am only slightly tired and, as you can see, it is after midnight.
...and when I say slightly tired that might be an exaggeration.
I am kind of scared as hell at the moment.
I have been so much enjoying the levelness I have been experiencing on medication and the recent upping has been working out very well. I still am a bit triggered as evidenced in my last post but I recover quickly and am even gaining some confidence in myself, starting to care less about the people who want to blame and shame and don't want to understand. I am able to be my happy self with out the overly chemically too high feelings. I still have some residual mental messes to undue from too many months of fantasy feeding by the forbidders that made me taboo (as manifested in my initial digression in this post) but I am managing that much better and progress is now real.
So I am leery and nervous. I am not sure how best to handle and medicate.
I am curious too.
So my plan is, don't take the meds tonight (or rather last night since tomorrow is now today) so that I will not fall asleep too soon and so I will be able to wake up early enough. That way I will certainly be sleep deprived... except that I have noticed that with out the meds I don't really feel tired and considering the sleep chaos of this last year that started with the denied mania of November of last year, I feel very nervous about this lack of tiredness without medication. And honestly, I am scared. I am scared I might undue the stability, I might mess up a good thing with how the mood stabilizing medication has been working...
But alas, writing it out is assisting in some fatigue so I will retire to bed now to stay as close to the prescribed directions as I can. ... I'll even wait to edit until tomorrow.
It will be very interesting to see how this adventure plays out.
Good night.
...I think I am not so bitter until I start to write, than I realize I am and I am also very angry. But you would not know this in observing my everydayness. You would not know this because I continually choose not to be, and so I am mostly not. However, there is obviously some deep resentment, because it sure comes out here.
So back on track
I have an EEG tomorrow morning at 10:00am and I am supposed to arrive sleep deprived. The instructions are very specific in their instructions to "go to bed and midnight and get up at 4:00am."
.... meds?
that was my question for Dr. Odd after the office lady went over the sheet of instructions with me.
I know if I take my new meds at the regular scheduled time I will not be able to stay awake until midnight. If I take them later then I will have an extremely difficult time getting up in the morning... I'll have an extremely difficult time getting up at 4 am if I take the new meds at all...
So, what do I do?
They kind of left it up to me.
Maybe don't take the meds.. I think that may have been the suggestion.
... that is what I have opted for so far.
And
This has made me nervous.
I find myself being extra busy tonight and even extra productive.
I think I am much more nervous about this idea of messing with meds much more than I care to admit to myself.
I am only slightly tired and, as you can see, it is after midnight.
...and when I say slightly tired that might be an exaggeration.
I am kind of scared as hell at the moment.
I have been so much enjoying the levelness I have been experiencing on medication and the recent upping has been working out very well. I still am a bit triggered as evidenced in my last post but I recover quickly and am even gaining some confidence in myself, starting to care less about the people who want to blame and shame and don't want to understand. I am able to be my happy self with out the overly chemically too high feelings. I still have some residual mental messes to undue from too many months of fantasy feeding by the forbidders that made me taboo (as manifested in my initial digression in this post) but I am managing that much better and progress is now real.
So I am leery and nervous. I am not sure how best to handle and medicate.
I am curious too.
So my plan is, don't take the meds tonight (or rather last night since tomorrow is now today) so that I will not fall asleep too soon and so I will be able to wake up early enough. That way I will certainly be sleep deprived... except that I have noticed that with out the meds I don't really feel tired and considering the sleep chaos of this last year that started with the denied mania of November of last year, I feel very nervous about this lack of tiredness without medication. And honestly, I am scared. I am scared I might undue the stability, I might mess up a good thing with how the mood stabilizing medication has been working...
But alas, writing it out is assisting in some fatigue so I will retire to bed now to stay as close to the prescribed directions as I can. ... I'll even wait to edit until tomorrow.
It will be very interesting to see how this adventure plays out.
Good night.
Wednesday, December 18, 2019
pain in the...
I wish I was more okay than I am. I wish I was at least as okay as I appear to be most of the time. I wish my confidence was not so shot.
I am not fueled by revenge and and "stick it to them" attitude. It would be very helpful right now if I were. But instead I am more inclined to believe them and then I feel pretty shitty about me since I have learned from many thems that I am not worth standing up for or helping, and I am a "pain in the ass."
The "not worth standing up for" bit bothers me as this is the message I seem to be receiving. As long as my motives are about others, and not me, then it is okay for me to stand up and speak out, but even if it is agreed that I was "wronged" and treated poorly, too often the expectation is that I should just accept that and forget about it. Doesn't matter who or why or even that these were medical providers that should know and behave better and were morally, legally, ethically, and occupationally supposed to protect me and look out for my best interest. Doesn't matter how this has and continues to effect the treatment I receive from others including these friends and loved ones who are inclined and conditioned to highly value and trust the experts (just as I was and had). Nope, it does not matter if it is about standing up for me or about fixing and resolving things for me. It somehow has to be about and for others. I am supposed to allow them to mistreat me. I am supposed to forget about it and move on, because it is just about me.
I feel angry about that.
I feel jealous of others who have friends and family who say, "that is not okay," and rally and defend. Mine say, "you were wronged, we care about you, you are not alone, now be quiet about it and get over it."
That is not entirely the message and not from the entire family but the majority.
This confession, to many, will simply prove that I must not be worth it. So I hope you understand why people in general might succumb to such messages of worthlessness.
However, I hope it will also be considered that maybe it is ties like this that have contributed to the problem with the providers.
I am an easy target.
On paper I am the prime target for grooming
and/or an easy casualty to write off and forget about.
And to me, that makes this situation of mine so much more wrong
And I find myself wanting to explode and lash out and at least do something to deserve the labels, stigmas, misconceptions, defamations, slanders, and write offs.
"If you can't beat them join them" comes to mind
and "going down in a blaze of glory"
I feel
therefore I am?
FUCK YOU JP AND YOUR MARIONETTES
FUCK YOU FRIENDS AND FAMILY WHO ROLE YOUR EYES AND SAY ONE THING BUT DO SOMETHING ELSE
AND WHO CALL ME A PAIN IN THE ASS.
Jaded
loosing my nice
and becoming jaded
sometimes it feels as though nothing really matters
And if I am not worth standing up for than I should at least get the most out of my insanity and show them just how much of a pain in the ass I have not been, but can be.
...yet I know that lashing out generally only hurts the ones that have actually been there, that have loved and supported as best they can. Lashing out hurts the ones we love most...
so I'll contain it to here
on this blog
and hope this will, once again, relieve the pressure that builds
...yet I know that lashing out generally only hurts the ones that have actually been there, that have loved and supported as best they can. Lashing out hurts the ones we love most...
so I'll contain it to here
on this blog
and hope this will, once again, relieve the pressure that builds
 |
| "Duality" -Punished for being exposed and vulnerable, this lady confounds the educated but is understood by a child. |
Wednesday, December 11, 2019
bored and getting boring... but still won't burn out
Appointment with Dr. She today.
I tell her I think it is good we upped the meds. I did not even cry (just got a bit teary eyed) at my daughters performances.
But I also feel a bit bored or boring now.
Dr. She is not surprised. She talks about the highs and the processing abilities that can come with bipolar. She tells me how it feels and when it is exhilarating, and how people can be a bit addicted to it. She tells me that is why so many people go off meds. Dr. She seems to understand it so well and describes it so well that I find myself wondering if she is bipolar herself, if she has been manic too. But I don't ask. I'm not entirely sure why. I think I have before and as she explains further she seems to know this from her experience working with people like me.
I remember conversations with my brother-in-law about this too...
and I remember a year ago, after my last recorded appointment with Dr. P -for the record I had another after that but he said he would not charge me and somehow got it off the records- but I remember the appointment where I was as high as a kite in mania, but managing because I have experience and I was believing the email where Dr. P said I was not. But I was high, high, high, and quite childish and I don't know how he could have possibly missed that entirely... But back to my point, somehow Dr. P had a drug like effect and just meeting with him helped to calm the mania, though it did not cure it entirely; just enough though, that I remember substitute teaching in a second grade class a day or two later and feeling bored with it... Even 30 second graders was boring. ...
and hmmm... now as I reframe my thinking, of course they were boring, not because I was level but because I was not. I was still too high, but at least level enough not to do anything rash about the boringness of it all.
That was a different boring; now the real boring starts. I will be a boring person again on medication and even though Dr. She has a lot of experience with people intentionally going back to the excitement, that will not be me. It is too painful and difficult to manage so I am grateful for boring.
Now I can really decide what to do with my life and my time. And that is at least exciting....
though I am really very gun-shy.
Dr. She asks why and she is surprised that I say I am very insecure because she thinks I exude confidence and security. It seems to be a common misconception about me. Maybe I over compensate, or maybe, even though I am insecure, I am still just who I am and not very interested in being not who I am, which just might be what confuses people?
I don't know.
But I think I will work on not being so insecure.
We talked about Dr. P again. I wanted clarification on why Dr. She does not want me to believe Dr. He's boundary violations had anything to do with me. I think she wants me to believe that I am not special or something like that. It was all just him, I was irrelevant. She is a bit confused by my questioning, because she does not understand my insecurity, the invisible that I was when I so desperately needed to be seen, I needed to be special -but really I didn't, I just needed to be seen, heard, and helped.
Dr. She and I do a brief awkward communication dance until we make sense of each other. I was misunderstanding, she wants me to understand that it was not me, I am not to blame for his mistakes. She tells me he held all the cards, it is something that is always hard for me to accept, but I am understanding better and I know how accurate that really is.
I tell her it frustrates me that I still feel an attachment and it does not make sense especially considering how he has handled it, but she is not surprised. She points out, "but that is what you do, you love people." and I do. She tells me that I don't need to love everyone and/or something about discerning better who deserves to be loved.
I tell her, "everyone deserves to be loved."
She tells me, "that is true, but they don't all deserve to be loved by you."
This turns into a funny communication dance and she laughs when I say, "but Jesus says love everyone, and treat them kindly too."
I am not entirely sure how we ended that conversation but I believe it was a good natured, though unspoken, agree to disagree kind of move on.
I ask her opinion. She thinks Dr. P is an idiot. At best he was negligent, at worst malicious. ... lately it feels malicious... Some things have always hinted that way, but I don't say it out loud. She reminds me that she is not so concerned about his motives, she is concerned with the effects. She is concerned with the harm he caused and she wants me to understand that he did cause harm. He did. Not me, him.
She wants me to understand that it was traumatic and that is the only reason she is okay with me ruminating on his motives. She acknowledges that I am improving so that hopefully makes my bringing it up again more bearable for her. She understands the trauma, she can explain it to me and I understand. She explains that I did not do anything that was not within the scope of what would or could be expected. She is not surprised by how my body reacted to the circumstances. She is not surprised by how it has effected me. She is not surprised by the way it still effects me. She speculates he maybe "just didn't care" when I ask "but how could he not know it could not possibly end well for me with the things he said and especially under the circumstances?" ...Right now it does not pierce my heart nearly as sharp to hear that he maybe "just didn't care."
She sees that I return to the concern about motives when I feel misunderstood and even blamed or shamed by others. She explains that she has had many patients who have been harmed by malpractice and they share similar misunderstood blaming and shaming by friends and family members. She says it is too scary and too far outside of peoples comfort zone to accept that the doctors and medical professionals we so highly trust and value so very much could make mistakes and cause harm. She tells me about a lady whose surgeon had left a sponge in her brain and she shared almost identical feelings about how people treated her as if it were somehow her fault. I was surprised and yet also sadly not. But it definitely helped me feel better; my situation is at least less obvious so it is understandable and yet also it would be harder for me to see these reactions to me as their problem and their insecurities and not mine.
It is sad how we re-victimize people and I wonder if that is what Dr. Concussion was up to? She may really be the one who should be held accountable for the very unnecessary suffering of not being medically treated when I was in fact manic and then fading and she just kept trying to pass the buck without providing adequate or appropriate assistance with that. Acting as if she were treating and/or willing to help but then not.
The games.
It is so bizarre to me, the games they played with me. I am not a liability, I am not a toy, and I am not a buck to be passed. I am human and I deserve to be treated as such, regardless of if the provider believes in forever anymore or if they don't want to be bothered.
I tell her I think it is good we upped the meds. I did not even cry (just got a bit teary eyed) at my daughters performances.
But I also feel a bit bored or boring now.
Dr. She is not surprised. She talks about the highs and the processing abilities that can come with bipolar. She tells me how it feels and when it is exhilarating, and how people can be a bit addicted to it. She tells me that is why so many people go off meds. Dr. She seems to understand it so well and describes it so well that I find myself wondering if she is bipolar herself, if she has been manic too. But I don't ask. I'm not entirely sure why. I think I have before and as she explains further she seems to know this from her experience working with people like me.
I remember conversations with my brother-in-law about this too...
and I remember a year ago, after my last recorded appointment with Dr. P -for the record I had another after that but he said he would not charge me and somehow got it off the records- but I remember the appointment where I was as high as a kite in mania, but managing because I have experience and I was believing the email where Dr. P said I was not. But I was high, high, high, and quite childish and I don't know how he could have possibly missed that entirely... But back to my point, somehow Dr. P had a drug like effect and just meeting with him helped to calm the mania, though it did not cure it entirely; just enough though, that I remember substitute teaching in a second grade class a day or two later and feeling bored with it... Even 30 second graders was boring. ...
and hmmm... now as I reframe my thinking, of course they were boring, not because I was level but because I was not. I was still too high, but at least level enough not to do anything rash about the boringness of it all.
That was a different boring; now the real boring starts. I will be a boring person again on medication and even though Dr. She has a lot of experience with people intentionally going back to the excitement, that will not be me. It is too painful and difficult to manage so I am grateful for boring.
Now I can really decide what to do with my life and my time. And that is at least exciting....
though I am really very gun-shy.
Dr. She asks why and she is surprised that I say I am very insecure because she thinks I exude confidence and security. It seems to be a common misconception about me. Maybe I over compensate, or maybe, even though I am insecure, I am still just who I am and not very interested in being not who I am, which just might be what confuses people?
I don't know.
But I think I will work on not being so insecure.
We talked about Dr. P again. I wanted clarification on why Dr. She does not want me to believe Dr. He's boundary violations had anything to do with me. I think she wants me to believe that I am not special or something like that. It was all just him, I was irrelevant. She is a bit confused by my questioning, because she does not understand my insecurity, the invisible that I was when I so desperately needed to be seen, I needed to be special -but really I didn't, I just needed to be seen, heard, and helped.
Dr. She and I do a brief awkward communication dance until we make sense of each other. I was misunderstanding, she wants me to understand that it was not me, I am not to blame for his mistakes. She tells me he held all the cards, it is something that is always hard for me to accept, but I am understanding better and I know how accurate that really is.
I tell her it frustrates me that I still feel an attachment and it does not make sense especially considering how he has handled it, but she is not surprised. She points out, "but that is what you do, you love people." and I do. She tells me that I don't need to love everyone and/or something about discerning better who deserves to be loved.
I tell her, "everyone deserves to be loved."
She tells me, "that is true, but they don't all deserve to be loved by you."
This turns into a funny communication dance and she laughs when I say, "but Jesus says love everyone, and treat them kindly too."
I am not entirely sure how we ended that conversation but I believe it was a good natured, though unspoken, agree to disagree kind of move on.
I ask her opinion. She thinks Dr. P is an idiot. At best he was negligent, at worst malicious. ... lately it feels malicious... Some things have always hinted that way, but I don't say it out loud. She reminds me that she is not so concerned about his motives, she is concerned with the effects. She is concerned with the harm he caused and she wants me to understand that he did cause harm. He did. Not me, him.
She wants me to understand that it was traumatic and that is the only reason she is okay with me ruminating on his motives. She acknowledges that I am improving so that hopefully makes my bringing it up again more bearable for her. She understands the trauma, she can explain it to me and I understand. She explains that I did not do anything that was not within the scope of what would or could be expected. She is not surprised by how my body reacted to the circumstances. She is not surprised by how it has effected me. She is not surprised by the way it still effects me. She speculates he maybe "just didn't care" when I ask "but how could he not know it could not possibly end well for me with the things he said and especially under the circumstances?" ...Right now it does not pierce my heart nearly as sharp to hear that he maybe "just didn't care."
She sees that I return to the concern about motives when I feel misunderstood and even blamed or shamed by others. She explains that she has had many patients who have been harmed by malpractice and they share similar misunderstood blaming and shaming by friends and family members. She says it is too scary and too far outside of peoples comfort zone to accept that the doctors and medical professionals we so highly trust and value so very much could make mistakes and cause harm. She tells me about a lady whose surgeon had left a sponge in her brain and she shared almost identical feelings about how people treated her as if it were somehow her fault. I was surprised and yet also sadly not. But it definitely helped me feel better; my situation is at least less obvious so it is understandable and yet also it would be harder for me to see these reactions to me as their problem and their insecurities and not mine.
It is sad how we re-victimize people and I wonder if that is what Dr. Concussion was up to? She may really be the one who should be held accountable for the very unnecessary suffering of not being medically treated when I was in fact manic and then fading and she just kept trying to pass the buck without providing adequate or appropriate assistance with that. Acting as if she were treating and/or willing to help but then not.
The games.
It is so bizarre to me, the games they played with me. I am not a liability, I am not a toy, and I am not a buck to be passed. I am human and I deserve to be treated as such, regardless of if the provider believes in forever anymore or if they don't want to be bothered.
Friday, December 6, 2019
Dr. Odd
I was able to get into a neurologist yesterday. He was a bit eccentric? Maybe odd? But he was very knowledgable and though he was a bit older he seemed very up to date on research etc.
He kind of suggested that most of the TBI treatments and medical care are a bit of a sham and/or a scam. He specifically named one I have mentioned without mentioning here on the blog, a facility that does FMRI's and makes a lot of claims about them. I am not terribly surprised by this. His statements match my impressions from when looked into them myself.
In trying to explain why I was there it was hard to explain what was going on and for how long, who really thought I needed to see a neurologist and why and even why I was not referred to a neurologist sooner.
He tells me the Neuroscience Institute's role is basically to decide when I should go back to work. Now remember Concussion Dr. was the one who had asked to be the overseeing physician over head injury and car accident related stuff. Since the last conversation I had with her about work was "we need to get you stable" but she then proceeded with trying to pass me off to others without a "proper referral" considering the condition I was in (I am told) I am confused by exactly what I should and am capable of. Now I know that sounds silly because they do not get to decide what I am and am not capable of and obviously they are not all that intelligent when it comes to me, but it still weighs on me and confuses my brain and heart because they are supposed to be the experts and I respected and trusted them as such ...even when it was clear, at least it would have been to a stabile fully rational brain, that I could not trust them and my best interest or even my interest at all was far for their concern. They really did not give a shit about me and they literally would have rather I faded away into the depths of bipolar despair that few escape without medical and psychological interventions.
But let's now circle back to Dr. Odd (the neurologist, I'd call him Dr. Eccentric but Odd is so much easier to type.)
As we discuss, he explains things to me:
1st: "the hipocratic oath is dead," he says... clearly this is true and it is very sad.
2nd: they teach a lot about avoiding relationships in med schools and psychology programs. They tell them never do this and avoid these types etc. and he emphasis how much it is emphasized to the point that it becomes frustratingly evident that we, the patients, are dehumanized quite a bit in their training and practice.
3rd: They teach a lot about transference and countertransference and they teach to avoid it like the plaque but there is very little, and with Dr. Odd's training it seems like no, training on what to do in the event it does happen. Thus the general consensus across the board seems to be "dispose of them" and do it quickly and completely, and don't look back.
This is very very wrong to me. It seems archaic and brutish and I am so shocked that these highly intelligent humanitarians could be so barbaric and immature in their reasoning and treatment of people. And as I have seen so many patterns like this on so many levels within our societies and culture it seems to me that we have not come nearly as far as we think in our humanity.
Dr. Odd also tells me about patients he said no to, that he told he could not treat -because they were too loose and/or seductive in appearance and/or personality. I feel annoyed with his comments about this because I am not and was not that type of person and yet I am being punished as if I had been.
And here I will chastise myself for that statement because even those ladies should not be mistreated, blamed, shamed, vilified and denied treatment (the way I was) if these elites of medicine and psychology are as elite as they say they are.
And now it becomes evident how far we have NOT come in the way we shame women and let men off...
Here I could take this now a million directions but I think I will throw a curve ball in:
I do wonder if I get along so well and relate easily to men because, in a way I relate to the massive amounts of self control men must have to self-regulate and behave accordingly in spite of their overwhelming sex drive. While for them it may be a sexual thing for me it is not so much. I relate to that when manic yes, but on average the raging sex hormones are not so much a problem for me but my duality is a bit more pronounced and obvious due to TBI and I have had to work very hard to manage that duality in order to be responsible, respectful, and a whole lot of other things. Now almost every girl has to learn to deal with the hormonal cycle that can cause greater intensity or emotions, so I am not unique there but my imbalances were definitely magnified and as a teen my duality was more pronounced. In comparison men, especially when they are teens have to work very hard to manage that lustful drive. Frequently they will be physically aroused and have to let it die without acting. Yet the world being what it is they can feed and indulge in all kinds of materials that will feed, magnify or easily warp that drive. They have to be diligent in there efforts to direct that drive constructively and be respectful to others boundaries.
My boundaries look different, and that may be both appealing and confusing, and I wonder if maybe there is something to that that makes friendships with men very easy and natural for me.
I don't know. It's a curve ball being thrown from a unstable pitcher, so who knows if it comes even close to hitting a target I have been so turned around and upside down by things this last year I am not even sure what the targets are anymore.
Back to Dr. Odd. He was Odd and has been 86ed from a bar (this is new term to me) and thinks that compares to being 86ed from a medical facility of the proclaimed specialist that really did have a responsibility and obligation to me. We both know it is not the same but at least he sympathizes with me and helps me understand just how broken and messed up the systems really are. And at least he can explain the ringing in my left ear and he is not downplaying or minimizing the tremors (and other issues) and he wants to do some test to see if we can better figure them out.
sighh
He kind of suggested that most of the TBI treatments and medical care are a bit of a sham and/or a scam. He specifically named one I have mentioned without mentioning here on the blog, a facility that does FMRI's and makes a lot of claims about them. I am not terribly surprised by this. His statements match my impressions from when looked into them myself.
In trying to explain why I was there it was hard to explain what was going on and for how long, who really thought I needed to see a neurologist and why and even why I was not referred to a neurologist sooner.
He tells me the Neuroscience Institute's role is basically to decide when I should go back to work. Now remember Concussion Dr. was the one who had asked to be the overseeing physician over head injury and car accident related stuff. Since the last conversation I had with her about work was "we need to get you stable" but she then proceeded with trying to pass me off to others without a "proper referral" considering the condition I was in (I am told) I am confused by exactly what I should and am capable of. Now I know that sounds silly because they do not get to decide what I am and am not capable of and obviously they are not all that intelligent when it comes to me, but it still weighs on me and confuses my brain and heart because they are supposed to be the experts and I respected and trusted them as such ...even when it was clear, at least it would have been to a stabile fully rational brain, that I could not trust them and my best interest or even my interest at all was far for their concern. They really did not give a shit about me and they literally would have rather I faded away into the depths of bipolar despair that few escape without medical and psychological interventions.
But let's now circle back to Dr. Odd (the neurologist, I'd call him Dr. Eccentric but Odd is so much easier to type.)
As we discuss, he explains things to me:
1st: "the hipocratic oath is dead," he says... clearly this is true and it is very sad.
2nd: they teach a lot about avoiding relationships in med schools and psychology programs. They tell them never do this and avoid these types etc. and he emphasis how much it is emphasized to the point that it becomes frustratingly evident that we, the patients, are dehumanized quite a bit in their training and practice.
3rd: They teach a lot about transference and countertransference and they teach to avoid it like the plaque but there is very little, and with Dr. Odd's training it seems like no, training on what to do in the event it does happen. Thus the general consensus across the board seems to be "dispose of them" and do it quickly and completely, and don't look back.
This is very very wrong to me. It seems archaic and brutish and I am so shocked that these highly intelligent humanitarians could be so barbaric and immature in their reasoning and treatment of people. And as I have seen so many patterns like this on so many levels within our societies and culture it seems to me that we have not come nearly as far as we think in our humanity.
Dr. Odd also tells me about patients he said no to, that he told he could not treat -because they were too loose and/or seductive in appearance and/or personality. I feel annoyed with his comments about this because I am not and was not that type of person and yet I am being punished as if I had been.
And here I will chastise myself for that statement because even those ladies should not be mistreated, blamed, shamed, vilified and denied treatment (the way I was) if these elites of medicine and psychology are as elite as they say they are.
And now it becomes evident how far we have NOT come in the way we shame women and let men off...
Here I could take this now a million directions but I think I will throw a curve ball in:
I do wonder if I get along so well and relate easily to men because, in a way I relate to the massive amounts of self control men must have to self-regulate and behave accordingly in spite of their overwhelming sex drive. While for them it may be a sexual thing for me it is not so much. I relate to that when manic yes, but on average the raging sex hormones are not so much a problem for me but my duality is a bit more pronounced and obvious due to TBI and I have had to work very hard to manage that duality in order to be responsible, respectful, and a whole lot of other things. Now almost every girl has to learn to deal with the hormonal cycle that can cause greater intensity or emotions, so I am not unique there but my imbalances were definitely magnified and as a teen my duality was more pronounced. In comparison men, especially when they are teens have to work very hard to manage that lustful drive. Frequently they will be physically aroused and have to let it die without acting. Yet the world being what it is they can feed and indulge in all kinds of materials that will feed, magnify or easily warp that drive. They have to be diligent in there efforts to direct that drive constructively and be respectful to others boundaries.
My boundaries look different, and that may be both appealing and confusing, and I wonder if maybe there is something to that that makes friendships with men very easy and natural for me.
I don't know. It's a curve ball being thrown from a unstable pitcher, so who knows if it comes even close to hitting a target I have been so turned around and upside down by things this last year I am not even sure what the targets are anymore.
Back to Dr. Odd. He was Odd and has been 86ed from a bar (this is new term to me) and thinks that compares to being 86ed from a medical facility of the proclaimed specialist that really did have a responsibility and obligation to me. We both know it is not the same but at least he sympathizes with me and helps me understand just how broken and messed up the systems really are. And at least he can explain the ringing in my left ear and he is not downplaying or minimizing the tremors (and other issues) and he wants to do some test to see if we can better figure them out.
sighh
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