My Emotions Need Me.

Yesterday:
One hell of a day.
Dark for sure
but I bounced back
soooo much quicker this time.
Today:
Dr. She and then a new kind of therapy
Rapid Eye Technology
Interesting.
A bit nervous
"will this push me into mania?"
no, it is going well.
intersting.
Listening to my internal higher self
I feel sadness
I want to feel compassion
But I already do
a lot.
And there is beauty in sadness. It would not be sad if it was not beautiful.
My mission, my goal, my crusade, whatever it is supposed to be called
"to protect"
I feel something. "I don't want to hurt him... but I have to" ..."I feel like I have to protect him from himself" "I feel like I need to protect them from themselves"
Releasing. What am I releasing?
His burden... It is not my burden. It was never supposed to be.
She reframes: "he is accountable for his actions, not you"
"he is"
RET therapist is right.
Reframe: He is responsible for his actions and his actions have brought him here.
Release, reframe, release
but something I'm trying to release is fighting back, pressing on my mind
threatening my grounding
...wanting to go too high...
Anger!
it will not be released.
It is fighting against me
or am I fighting against it.
"what do you feel?"
...."I need my anger" "I don't want my anger" "but I need my anger?"
But something else
... "my anger needs me"
My anger needs me and I need my anger.
"I can accept it for what it is"
"I can see it for what it is"
And like magic, it is released.
I need my anger and it needs me and by accepting that and accepting it for what it is I no longer have to fight against. I do not need to ruminate it away. I do not need to keep trying to fight it out by writing it out. I can let it be what it needs to be and recognize it as a part of me and a part that needs to be.
Joy.
The idea of replacing it all with Joy, this does not feel wise. I have joy and I love joy but it is not the only or even most important thing for me to feel. I need all of my emotions and they need me.

And I learned that my light and color is white because all of the colors kept jumping in, campaigning for the position.
I tried to stick with my tried and true color of blue
but it needed it's friends.
So I let them all in and found a white light, the rainbow they all blend to make.
Colors bouncing in and out. That is me. That is my color if I have to choose only one.
So white is my light.

and Dr. She says "just a tiny bit of cynical" finger and thumb about an inch apart, because I say I don't really like to be.
And I love that she says that because I feel like I have at least that much but she still feels that I don't. She gets it. She sees my angry and she still gets me.
I sure love her.
And dear TBI friend calls me
just to tell me about the lady she talked to who said,
"Nobody gets pissed until it happens to them."
"we choose to be tough" she always tells me
and to keep getting back up.
I feel peace. I feel calm.
I feel.
and I am comfortable with me.

Damned if You don't have a Double Sided Ears

Sometimes I really hate people.
I hate the stupid lessons given about the things we are supposed to do and then when we do we find out that we are not really supposed to do them. Yesterday there was a good chunk in a lesson about asking for help when you need it. So once again feeling inspired by peoples well meaning words I took the council and did as I was told...
Just to have confirmed what that jerk of a man had documented about me in his neuropsychological evaluation; lack of family and social support.
But of course it is my fault.
Why wouldn't it be?
And I am shamed and hushed and silenced once again by the people who are supposed to be looking out for me.
Perfect target for grooming.
That I won't respond appropriately to, but will break and expose the groomer for instead
and then be blamed and shamed, stigmatized and hushed and silenced for
because I did not break the right way, which is wrong.
What a messed up cycle of madness
and yet I am the the crazy one
conspiracy theorist for sure
when actually they don't really believe me because it is too close to a real conspiracy and they are only conspiracy theorists so of course I must be too.

And the ringing in me ear is nagging and the silver capsuled eraser is begging to be used.
Sometimes I really hate people

But I still have at least 3 that do care about me.
So no erasing for now.

One of those three had me listen to this because in her youthful wisdom she felt it applied and of course I cried:

Leaving the Cult of Happiness
...6 at least 6

Art is madness put on display.
That is the thought I had while at a dance show with my daughter yesterday.
The world is madness.

the Marionette Master

The ringing in my ear is nagging. It is more noticeable now that my thoughts have slowed with the assistance of medication.
What it is nagging me to do I am not always sure of.
Currently I find it very difficult to do anything. It takes immense effort to trust people and I am not really sure of how to proceed with anything.
Dr. She assures me that my current circumstances are far from normal in regards to the way this is going to effect a person psychologically.
That is good to know, because I'm like, "is this what it is going to be like, is this what my body is going to do now every time something is hard and stressful?"
But really we don't know.
I do know that a person can only take so many hits before they really cannot get up again. And I do know the TBI mood instability issues I have, have altered the course of my life...
I have to accept a new me, a new norm and yet I have no idea what that really is and what that really looks like because I have one man who has been determined to make it a mess for me and now he is determined to have me exiled from anyone in the industry because he is claiming it to be his place where I am not welcome. The only thing that makes sense to me (as to why he has me so unwelcome in my place of existence) is that he is claiming this because he wants to hide what he really is and how he is using and abusing people with head injuries. It is very scary and he knows he can win, he knows I don't have a fighting chance, because he knows my disadvantages and he knows how to manipulate people and the system. He knows how to turn people into his puppets, marionettes on strings he is pulling with his sweet tones and dimples and his carefully and strategically chosen words. He is brilliant and he knows what he is doing.
The good little puppets he works with drink it up and play along, loathing me for trying to cut their puppet strings so that they can do their jobs and be real humans.

Reality Hits Hard

They want me not to speak out. They want me not to stand up for myself. They literally want me to burn out and die.
They have literally been setting me up.
I have long felt and suspected this. My sister, the prison guard has repeatedly warned me of this, and my rational brain saw it. But since I am something like a foolish Pollyanna of the mentally ill and brain injured I could not believe it. ... and I kept walking right into their traps.

The reality of this, the gravity of what I have -now obviously intentionally- been put through hit me hard today.
And I once again found myself in tears in a public place.
Costco this time.
Streaming.
I couldn't keep them back at all.
Fortunately a friendly Costco employee was compassionate and buoyed me up enough to get out the door without completely flooding the store.
But a breakdown of yet another new kind. A real, normal, too much stress on a person break down. Not mania, not TBI, not mood instability, but reality sinking in and sinking in hard.
A complete and intentional set up...
How on earth was I stupid enough to keep walking back into it? They likely even want me to appear to be a conspiracy theorist.
The irony of that is so comical. The one person in my family who is not overly paranoid, the one who chooses to trust and believe in humanity, is the one who has actually been set up in the most diabolical and unimaginable way. The irony of how two days prior Dr. She told me I need to be more cynical of people. And the irony of how when the threat arrived from the mail lady, I had just sat down to write out the importance of what they missed and why it is important that they do not miss or dismiss, because I wanted do what I could to make sure it did not happen to other patients. The irony.

They want me scarred. and
I am scared now
but not just for me, for others.
They are or he is clearly very dangerous. 
He even warned me of these things...
"You only know what I let you see" [of him]
"I told you not to try and solve this"
"So we agree to a clean break"
"What we have had is a beautiful thing, I would not want to fuck that up"
"I am okay with being wrong"
"I don't believe in forever anymore"
"why, are you a stalker" with a suggestive epiphany inflection
"I going to let it burn out and I [advice or suggest] you to do the same"
"I'm a snake?" the inflection and then the disappointment when he realized what I actually thought that meant. (It was a spirit animal thing that can be explained easily through the lens of mania.)
and even possibly his rubbing his right eye with his middle finger when I played a song for him to explain the transference I was feeling... although that one may have been a different kind of suggestion...
a snake in the grass...
most certainly not the healing snake of caduceus that I wanted to believe he was, that I needed him to be.
Naseau. I have been bitten by a snake in the grass and it has made me very ill.

Met with Dr. She today. She tells me I have very good coping skills even when I think I don’t. I say thank you.
Then I got to hang out with my beautiful friend.
And it was good.
But somehow I am stupidly still struggling.
My head is tired and it hurts so my eyes start to leak uncontrollably.
...and I find myself praying to God that he call me home soon...

So here I am... positively coping on my blog again... while praying I can be called home soon.
I won’t make the journey uninvited
But I’m so tired
And tired of the ringing in my ear.
... and I’m not really strong enough to keep fighting back...
So now I pray for the patients and others I really am not strong enough to get back up for...

Maybe tomorrow......

Knocked down again. Getting back up. And I will not Give up my Constitutional Rights for Bullies.

Nov. 2018
"why, are you a stalker?" he says with a light up in his eyes and the inflection of an epiphany.
Or is it a suggestion?
I am not sure. Under the circumstances of what he has implied and based on my intense feelings it feels like a suggestion to me and yet it is clearly an epiphany and I already know logically that it is a set up and yet another confession of his intentions.
Another truth about his manipulations that I did not want to believe but the evidence was clear as evidenced in my medical records in January when I went to Concussion doctor to try and understand what was going on with my head and what to do about it. In my records she documents some of her conversation with him and he claims I have made repeated attempts to contact him. The only attempt to contact outside of getting medical care and trying to understand what was going on with my head and why (without getting him into trouble because he had told me he could loose his license because of me -which did not make sense to me so I figured the institution was the threat) was a thank you card that I had sent after my last manic crazy appointment with him. A thank you note I sent to him through his office when I still trusted him so completely and wanted to show my appreciation. It was a manic gesture sent because he had shared with me that once a client had sent him a thank you letter and he appreciated it. I know it was a manic gesture because it was too soon after, probably too intense, and (and this one is most important) I had completely forgotten I had sent it. I only remembered when I later saw my general family PA and she thanked me for the very kind thank you note I sent to her. I had sent them at the same time.
Aside from that he was a medical provider for me, there were reasons to contact him, especially under the circumstances, clarification was needed and my head was very broken and a mess and that happened on his watch. Now looking more and more likely that it might have been due to his watch.
But he had set a trap.
A Trap within a trap, within a trap, within a trap, within a trap... one of my neighbors pointed out not too long ago, but before this very solid evidence of the stalking trap he had set.
"cease and desist" they are threatening.
and "govern myself accordingly"
"According to what?" I wonder.
Their threats, misconduct and mistreatment?
His desire for me to burn out and sacrifice myself for him thus keeping me from getting appropriate care and medical attention? This expectation equates to an expectation of suicide when it is coming from a trusted therapist and medical providers that are claiming you are not what you are (manic and then fading from the very real and very extreme physiological effects).
Or shall I govern myself according to what is truly ethical, and right and just? then I most certainly have complaints to file, charges to make, and a battle to fight and the UCLA might be who I need Since they are demanding and commanding me to give up my constitutional right to freedom of speech, the only thing I have left in figuring this out and trying to get the help I need and seeking fair treatment and justice for other patients as well. I am not so stupid as to suppose I am the only one and I am blown away at the lengths they are, or he is, willing to go to cover his indiscretions that I repeatedly explained and showed I was able to forgive and over look, and that I really did not care about other than because it was keeping me from getting the help that I needed.

This morning I am beat down. I cannot get up. I did but then I am down again. Afraid to even leave my house. Unable to get out of bed again. I thought I was strong... Empowered by the injustice and obvious abuse of it initially... but then finding my body pushing back again against medication and fading again. Feeling every hit from every source, including my family and the lack of support I feel there, something he knew -documented in his reports of me...
and I am hearing them say, "just stay down, don't get back up, they will just keep knocking you down. Just stay down"
They don't understand that I am cornered in the madness, if I stay down I bleed out and die, not getting the help I need.
Or if I stay down other patients will be turned on and beat up next ...and they may not be as strong as I am. They may die more easily. They are victims too and I cannot stay down and let that happen.
I have to get up. I need to keep fighting.
So here I am.
Getting back up.
I see clearly that they will fight me to, and hope for, my death. And maybe that will be the end result, but I will keep fighting until the wrongs are righted and changes have been made that will help patients -not hurt and continue to harm them. They are proving what I feared in their investigation and the concern I expressed when I asked them to stop the investigation until I understood or at least until they had my side of the story. They would not and did not stop or pause the investigation at that request. They are proving that they are making and have made changes that further reinforce the bad policies that have and continue to harm me. That will harm others.
I will keep fighting until I have nothing left, they have already destroyed enough for me, if they really wish to destroy me entirely than I will keep putting up a fight and I will keep talking about it. Only now I no longer need to speak to solve, now I need to speak to educate and inform. ...and to stay up and alive.
I have tested my theories and my doubts, I have tried to work this out with them and I have repeatedly asked for clarification if I was misunderstanding -which has repeatedly been denied with a claim that I was threatening. The only reason I would be a threat is if they are trying to hide something or things that are wrong. The only "threat" they can claim I have made is reporting them to the appropriate legal and governing bodies, something that I did not want to do if I were misunderstanding and when my brain was such a mess, but clearly my misunderstanding was in trusting them and hoping/believing that what had happened to me was an honest mistake and not something diabolical...
Keep getting up. I need to keep getting out of bed, keep getting up, keep believing in humanity or at least fighting for it...
I'm up now and just like a fighter who has been knocked down so many time but just keeps getting up I am shaky and week. It is taking so much energy to get up and stay up. To keep going no matter what that looks like.

This is so bizarre and I hate what they have done to my body.