Bipolarity -The Confusion and Effects

New neuropsychologist is working to get herself fired. I can tell. And while I’m glad she is (because that is what good therapists do) it makes me a touch sad because I quite like her. Today we talked a bit about what I blogged yesterday. How Dr. He is now tied to my physiology, so when I feel push back on medication or that up excited chemistry, I feel him... I am angry about it and she understands. It's like smells that bring back memories etc. She asks if it has faded at all. Yes, mostly but in the intensity of the chemistry it can bring it all back. A tie that was strengthened over the months of my trying to undo it while they kept tying me to it in the denials and neglect of my chemistry. AN then further nurtured by taboo and forbidden.
I tell Dr. She I don't know how the hell I survived without the medication. She wants me to fill in with new passion. And I have and I am. She asks me "so when are you going to become a therapist?" I love that she asks and how she asks because she thinks I'd be good and she knows I've got a lot to offer but need the credentials to be heard.
I also had her read the letters from the Neuroscience Institute. After reading the termination letter from the entire Neuroscience Institute she explained how communication was probably poor. Obviously.
She tells me they obviously terminated me because they felt I was a liability and she says of the letter, “this is retaliation for opening the investigation.”
But I didn’t even want to open the stupid investigation. I did not understand it. I was doing what I felt like they were telling me to do... trying to follow their rules.
And that makes me wonder if the investigation was the intentional scheme from the get go to justify exactly that; the terminating me from the entire facility. I wonder this especially considering these points:
-I had told the patient advocate multiple times that I did not understand the investigation or the point of the investigation,
-I was refused multiple times in person communication with anyone about it,
-and I even asked them to stop the investigation until I understood better or could explain what I was asking for better, but they did not. In fact, at that point, they changed their tone from "you have plenty of time" to "we need it tomorrow by 9:00am" in an email that was sent late afternoon. The patient advocate, **, even said something to the effect of, "we can't just start and stop the investigation at will."
And then the information they came back with did not even match what I was asking.
The confusion and mess of emails sent to Patient Advocate would have been really hard to decipher. The tears and emotion, the begging for help coupled with the statements of, "I don't want him get into trouble," would have most certainly led to confusion. But they refused me in person meetings with anyone. They refused, once again, to see the very obvious problem: that I was reacting too extreme and something was not quite right with my brain; the point I was trying to make. I needed clarification, and I needed a diagnosis or at least medication and I needed it from those who had present during my breaking, who were the professionals, who had agreed to help me and whom I trusted. I was a fool to trust them, yes, but I was also quite broken and trying to go other places was just contributing to the confusion for me and for them (the other places).
What a fiasco. What an ordeal. And I was trying so hard to play by their rules and understand what it was they were saying and asking.
So here is an important lesson to learn and remember if you are a provider: If ever you have an intelligent patent that has always behaved rather well, but suddenly they are too high and too happy and then significantly confused and confusing, no matter their composure, they are really not right in their brain or their physiology. When they are telling you "I am just trying to figure out what is going on with my head." and "I don't know who I can trust. I don't know if I can even trust myself." and if that person just keeps coming back proclaiming their love and their trust, and things like "the message received is I need to be rid of myself" (that one is suicidal, and I really thought they were intelligent enough to understand that) then you should know that they are not stable and medical intervention is desperately needed and it is your responsibility to make sure they get it. 

My daughter illustrated this well
and with her permission I am sharing.

I'll explain. She is in an IB art class and she has to do some projects. One day she texted me a "mock up" for one of her proposed projects. She told me the idea was born from placing a flower cutout over the eye of a face in a magazine picture. She said she liked the imagery and so she started to develop it, not really planning, but letting it evolve. When she finished she told me that to her it represented bipolarity. She asked me what I thought. I love it. And I tell her so. I think it is a great representation.

I do have a little bit of feed back but I think on it for a day or two deciding if it mattered enough to be offered. When the picture comes up in conversation I decide to offer my feedback (or maybe requests) and I say "I want to see the manic side more confident, open and euphoric." Our conversation is sweet but honest, constructive in our acceptance of each other's opinions and I feel, as mom, I have done something right. I am so impressed with this beautiful young lady. She tells my why she does not want to add a slight one sided smile or brighten or broaden the shoulders of the manic side.
First she wants it to be uniform because "there is still uniformity in the two extremes." But what she tells me next takes me a day or two to really understand as she tries to explain the vulnerability and mossy darkness of both sides she is showing. She also says she does not want the bipolarity to be too obvious because it isn't always so obvious and people can and do hide it.
...You would think this girl has witnessed something very interesting to have such profound interpretations... She has.
I see in the picture my pain and her pain and she wants people to see the vulnerability of both sides.
The vulnerability, the exposed, and the trying to cover the raw tragedy that just can't quite be covered up...
Can you see how lucky I am? to have such an amazing friend that happens to be my phenomenal daughter.
And my son I can also thank for profound understanding that has also helped me to survive.
Bipolar or not, manic cannot and will not be denied by these two
and at least I am one lucky mom.

tied to my surging chemistry

I'm crying again.
The push back is too much
I don't want to keep it down and keep it in
I want to explode.
I want to understand what the hell happened to me and why
But I am just not allowed.
Which makes no sense at a all and it is frustrating because I still have the damn (want to swear worse but holding back) symptoms that were denied. My body is still fighting.
And what makes me angry tonight is that when I feel that push back I am brought back to damned Dr. He that won't talk to me. I am brought back there because of the association of chemistry that is now tied to him and not just by me. He tied me more tightly with his words that he didn't even mean -except the wanting to have nothing to do with me, that he obviously meant. And the reason he gave was because he could see himself falling in love with me; so I hope you can excuse my confusion and frustration that has come with the territory.
How can you ever think that is okay to say to someone who loves you and trusts you so completely... Especially in therapy... especially with a person who has just sent you 6 emails progressively more weird and one being an article about the troubles of being too much and feeling too deeply.
(I just edited out some seriously adult content that my friend Bob will be disappointed I took out) But I also do wonder if he is punishing me because the mania was not manifested to him the way it was to my husband...
Maybe he hoped I would kill myself, to be rid of me. The more I see of the countertransference population I see a lot of commonalities and an intense suicidal battle is one of them. He had to have known that this could not end well for me. "I see that you love me and I maybe might love you so I'll never, ever, have anything to do with you again even though you need me and trust me completely" is the ethical way to handle this? I'm calling bullshit. Those were not his words exactly but the gist of the conversation.
The people I am seeing who have also suffered from abrupt countertransference related termination are caring, fair, trying to be reasonable, trying to be responsible, kind and concerned about others even giving thanks to responders who have subtle and not-so-subtle jackassness.
... as you can see from my response to this one I am increasingly expressive in my anger: Quor.com: My therapist and I developed a co-dependent ...
I keep thinking I am moving along in my healing and closing only to be again hit by the chemistry....
Dear Dr. He, I will keep talking and I will keep fighting until this is resolved and if you would rather it not be a public debacle then you probably ought to talk to me, because these things need to be talked about and these issues resolved not just with me but within your industry.
I will not be sacrificed and I will not so easily accept the burned out fate that you wish for me.
I am tired of fighting my screwed up chemistry that you carelessly exacerbated.
I would have loved you. I would have helped you, I could have been a part of your team. But instead you decided I was trash and you sent me out as such, convincing the whole institution to agree... If I am wrong correct me. You were wrong about me and okay with it but I am not, and my voice counts when we are speaking of me.
... I'm written out, the nightly dose of medication working now; working to knock me out... I will edit tomorrow. or never. who cares and good night

Dr. Concussion

"You don't understand, I can't not try and solve this, it just depends on how I try to solve this," I say (or something like it) to Dr. He.

I am fairly certain we were talking about different things or at least not entirely on the same page. Solving. My brain just does that. I can not really stop it. If I do it does it when I am sleeping and I wake up to it... And it especially needed to then because I was manic while memories were flooding back. 

I saw a clip from the movie A Beautiful Mind awhile back, in it the main character comes to the realization that the girl he is hallucinating never ages. He is trying to figure out what is real and what is not. He cannot stop solving because half the characters in his life are not real and telling to do some strange things. 

I do not hallucinate like that, but it is a good illustration of why someone who has an altered mind cannot stop solving. The consequences could literally be deadly. 

My mind turns on me more than outside forces if I try to stop solving and my chemistry takes me to very strange places that I just don't know how to handle. I would likely be much more reckless if I were to stop solving. It could be fun and at times I am tempted but my morals may be far too high, so they keep me grounded and sometimes buried in the quandary of humanity. 

...That is too deep. 

Back to solving...

I have thought about how I have been a bit unfair in my focus on dear Dr. He because really Dr. Concussion was the one who neglected to get me on a mood stabilizer in the time that she saw and said that I was unstable. She was the one who could have and should have prescribed that mood stabilizer long ago. She was the only one I trusted too, and I told her so. 

I have been thinking about this and how much she has hurt me and why I have not said much about that... Why my focus has been so much on Dr. He. 

Here is where I am at in the processing of that:

#1 Dr. He is a drug to me. Obviously.

#2 He seems to me the root of the problem or at least the one who was there and who I somehow have foolishly trusted could see that and help to get everyone there without me having to talk about his boundary violations that greatly enhanced the ordeal.

#3 It hurts.

It hurts and is too heavy a burden when I think how they all have behaved toward me. It hurts that Dr. Concussion treated me so strange and even said some of the things that she said. It hurts and I loved her too. Not nearly the same but I did. I trusted her and I told her so. She said she would help, she acted as if she was but at the same time she did not listen or acted as if she was while just trying to pawn me off on someone else but without the follow through that I needed and careful not to allow me to see anyone else in her facility. 

It hurts so I think I have avoided taking on another deep hurt when I was barely surviving. 

#4 I don't want to believe that another had failed me, treated me as nothing more than a liability. But she did. 

#5 I already have such serious trust issues with women and I really liked her and she is the professional... It is again another unresolved issue in my life confirming that I must be the problem. 

#6 I just don't want to play these stupid games. I don't want to be a victim, I don't want to blame everyone, I don't like this place at all

#7 again; I don't know how to handle this and I do not know what to do about this.
...So I stop analyzing now, I don't want to anymore because I feel a pain in my chest, a lump in my throat, and tears starting to well. 

However this was the halfway state solving I struggled to wake entirely from this morning. When your brain is solving in your sleep it makes it hard to wake up and you wake up feeling exhausted. 

Do I allow myself to try and solve in the day allowing the tears to flow freely or do I suppress and then solve in my sleep again waking up exhausted. I don't know. 

But my mind, as it levels and moves ever more out of the unstable psychological thriller of dear Dr. He, begins to see more clearly the things I could not handle before... so the pain intense and heartbreaking continues as I find I have been unfair to him in my desire to protect something else.. Me or Dr. Concussion? 

Office Director or Patient Advocate.

Even ** the assistant to Dr Concussion 

and the girl at the front desk who stops the new girl I have never seen before form telling me "check in is down there" because "you check in over here."

...Not so Alone? in Yet Another of my Trials?

The thing about Dr. He is that he is easily lovable. It is not surprising that he has ancestors from India and that he thought I saw him "as some sort of guru." His voice is soothing and even hypnotic. He seems to put other first. He is knowledgable and somewhat philosophical and he even knows how to use Jedi mind tricks. He is good at connecting with people, he told me so. He is careful with his words and thinks before he speaks.
He has a sense of humor, an accent, and he calls people "mate."
I have seen how eyes light up when they see him. I have heard the voice tones that are used.
He is well loved and easily believed.
I was not alone in my desire to protect him.
which is why it baffles me so very much that he had no interest in protecting me. That he refused to see what I so desperately needed him to see... my bipolarity; I was too high, I wasn't quite me, and really thinking and speaking a bit irrationally.
It hurts so much worse than it would if he were as arrogant as so many doctors come off.
Maybe I really did not see through his mask; although I do know that his oh-so-subtle sarcasm suggested some ego and he expected me to obey his commands.
...Yet as I reflect I find myself knowing it is very unlikely I am the only patient to fall for this man.
Is this simply how he handles it?
Has it worked in the past?
Does he honestly not know how irresponsible the way he dropped me and the things he said really are, especially if he really does not mean it, especially leaving a patient high and dry not hearing what they have to say because they are simply another client who has fallen for him?
He denied countertransference. He denied mania. He denied that he lost objectivity. He would not allow for clarification and denied making any mistakes. When asked by Dr. Concussion, in the medical records, he makes it sound as if I was pursuing him, there was no concern for my wellbeing. How foolish to think an intelligent person would think that would be the way to win a person over. That's crazy and I was-but not stupid- and I was telling them so, but that they denied, so how they have twisted should be transparent... except that he is a charmer.
He needs some training.
Or he needs to be caught.
I am certain I am stronger than others.
I fear how they have faired
I maybe was more confusing, more buried and broken, and maybe much more alone... but certainly stronger, I likely have far more years of buried experience with TBI then most he has known...

My friend says, "the wounded wound others"
Is that he? and yet that does not make sense to me, he is so immensely adored.
And that I don't want to be me... the wounded wounding others...
So I am baffled.
and I am concerned.
I am hurt.
I am discredited and disrespected by such a respected and well adored man...Knowing that I am hardly alone in my warped abandoned adoration.
Am I delusional about that?
And he has people so charmed and charms so easily... I know, in reality, I stand no chance standing up for myself since he is where this whole mess started... Why would he treat me so badly? He knows that I don't stand a chance...
All were and will be easily convinced that I am whatever he portrays me to be.

If I am not careful these thoughts will bring back with a vengeance the "let it burn out" and "have nothing to do with you" and I will start believing again that I must be bad, unsalvageable, and that I deserve to burn out. Completely.

I suppose if you find this blog and you find you feel anything similar or have had any experience similar, please, oh please reach out to me, and I will stand up for you too.

Neuroplasticity and the Path of Most Resistance

A desert giant... maybe it's a monster

Last night I was thinking about the "what to do about it." I am so torn on how to handle where I am at in life because some very real injustices occurred and I have some who are almost pleading with me to stay strong, fight hard, and let my voice be heard so I can help others and help bring about real and actual positive changes in the industry while others still want me to "just let it go."
I don't want to go the whole "legal" route with the Neuroscience Institute. I never wanted to. Yet they would not listen because I wasn't. I tried to follow their rules and requests when they were not actually trying to help me and possibly even keeping me in a mentally fragile place intentionally in order to keep me from standing up for myself and being heard.
It is too weird and not ethical or fair but it seems in the world of psychologists and medical providers the term "ethical" is a term that they own and get to throw around however they like in order to benefit and protect themselves. It does not seem to matter what is actually ethical for me.
Any way you shake it, if "ethical" is a term meant to protect me, than this certainly did not happen....
and I did not come on here to write about this...
I will try to redirect back to my point, I was considering what to do. I do not want to be the bizarre creature they made me out to be and that I would rather not turn into. So last night I took to reading the very old stuff on this here blog; the stuff that I had forgotten about to see if it could offer me guidance.
If you don't know, I had forgotten completely about this blog until I was broken open and broken apart in therapy last November. I honestly had buried so much of me, or the air bag knocked more of my memories out than I realized, that it was an interesting moment when this blog came back to my recollection. Yesterday as I was reading I found that I had forgotten so much more than I even realized I had in that bizarre moment of recollection last November.
... I am kind of messed up...
But I am also very much not.
I am happy most of the time and I find magic all around me. I love life and the sensations that come with it. I am happy that my strength and stability are returning now in reality; not the false start of the buried me that jumped the gun with a manic burst and was then left untreated for far too long.
I have been on the extreme southern side of my state watching a niece and 3 nephews for the past two weeks. (with the exception of the TBI conference I went north for).  It is such a beautiful area with so many places I love to explore but have not had time to with the childcare gig consuming most of it.
This morning I took my niece to school and since my mother-in-law is also here I was able to take a moment to indulge in my surroundings. 

There was a neat little arboretum trail along the way. I decided to stop and walk it before returning to kids. I met a man who asked "is this real lava?" Apparently New Jersey does not have ancient lava flow beds. I got chatting with a lovely lady from New York for a bit. Then I turned off the pavement to enjoy the actual nature arboretum trail. It was beautiful and I enjoyed reading the names of the marked plants and learning if they were native or not. As I walked and embraced the allure of the area I found my trail had run out. But I did not turn back, I just kept on walking -as I so often do when I am intrigued and captivated by my surroundings.
It felt good on my ankle as the terrain gradually toughened and I had to work just a bit harder.  I earned a few scratches -my marks of adventure- for taking the path of most resistance.
Life is an adventure meant to be loved and I am loving my tiny moments. It is a part of me that people do not seem to see and it's too bad they are missing the magic.

I love Joshua Trees, they are so interesting.

This funky desert design is surprisingly not native.

Thinking it a peculiar place for a desert spring, I had to explore when I saw the water and heard the trickle. Instead of a spring I found a sprinkler fed patch of quicksand. Shoes clean up easily so it still made me smile.  

Random Ramblings.. Live Big, Bold, Brave!

A man tells me, "you didn't want to talk to me" because I walked by without acknowledging him. I am not sure if that is true, that I didn't want to talk to him. I think more than anything that is how I hide. In plain sight.
I hide and have hidden in plain sight a lot in my life.

My left hand has been especially shaky lately and I am not sure why, but it bothers me. I am not sure if I should pursue getting into a neurologist more seriously or just forget about it and keep living my life. I still think it is related to the car accident because it did not do that before....

At the conference I attended I picked up a DVD from the previous year. My dear one-sided friend Dr. He is on it. I decided to watch his session last night. I wanted to see him out of the context I knew him in. I wanted to see him and feel nothing, to see him for what he is and not what my manic messed up brain turned him into... I thought it might help me feel closure also, knowing that I am not attached anymore and hoping that I would see that what happened was nothing more than the therapeutic relationship gone awry...
It did not work...
I saw him in therapy and I saw him in the video. I see through the mask and I pick up on his subtle humor and playful nature. I admire how he carries and presents himself. His calm demeanor and his voice are so soothing even when my heart is breaking... I still adore him... it’s warped, I think... It breaks me. It's broken my kids and my husband... and I still adore him?
Though I wanted to hear what he had to say (because it actually does apply to me) I had to turn it off
and I will not likely watch it again. Ever.
It is painful.
And it has been unfair.
It has been so very wrong entirely at my expense.
and yet I still love him and want the best for him.
I don't want to hurt him...
How do I stand up for myself and speak out against the wrongs and what they unjustifiably turned me into without hurting him?
Maybe I do let myself be sacrificed. Maybe the industry is doing fine and it is just me. ...
sigh... heavy and light at the same time.
Redirect
Live Big, Live Bold, Live Brave
those are the thoughts I am having to fill the void. Reckless was what I thought before brave, because sometimes I am a bit reckless in my trusting people.
Like the man who tried to kiss me.
I stayed and talked with him still longer than most would dare, because I chose to give him the benefit of the doubt and not be offended, because it was more important to me that he know he is not a bad person. I do not think he needed to be shamed or shunned. I did not let him kiss me and he respected that. I had no interest and I told him so. He tried to convince me that I did, I held my ground and explained. I appreciate that he listened and respected me enough to realize I was being truthful. He asked me what I would have done if that one man I mentioned prior had tried to, I told him I am certain I would not have let him either. That is just how I work. As a married woman I am not interested in crossing that boundary. I do not find my value there... I am kind of glad this man tried because it helped me know my strength and integrity that has been questioned and wrongly portrayed and perceived by the Neuroscience Institute.
I can say with certainty that I am just not that kind of girl and I genuinely was just trying to figure out what was going on with my head and why. I speculate the manic break was TBI/mTBI related more than Dr. He related because I just don't think he has that much power, I didn't allow him that much power over me. I reacted too big and that is what I kept trying to show him... I do not understand why he would not see me, why he would not talk to me about it, unless I have that much power over him; which I do not think I do. I think it was most likely the perfect storm, and they responded with immaturity and paranoia, ignorance, arrogance and disrespect -from him and the entire facility...
Now what do I do about that?

Live Big, Live Bold, Live Brave... Not reckless...
One of my friends says she misses this me. She likes to hear it returning. When I talk about using my weird crazy experiences to help others she likes that, she says that sounds more like me.
Embarrassment, insecurity, hiding... Maybe I can be done with those now and get back to my big, bold, brave living,
but only
I think I will live bigger
bolder and
braver
because I love
and I feel so intensely.
and I am a very fascinating person
just like everyone else
:)

...and I just don't think anything can ever break me so much as this has.
Big, bold, brave,
I've got it in me and it's time to let it free

The Unfair Fight

Yesterday I went to the Brain Injury Alliance Conference.
It was refreshing and painful.
What was refreshing was talking to survivors. It is interesting to see the levels of severity, the diversity and the similarities. It  was refreshing to talk to and hear stories and to hear the similarities. It was fun and fascinating to hear how many similarities we have that others think they understand or relate to but just don't quite get.
TBI cracks you open.
TBI makes it difficult to articulate.
and a common complaint, "but you look fine."
Yep.
What was painful was realizing just how much I have hidden myself over the years and how much I have been misunderstood, discredited and my symptoms downplayed or overlooked. It was painful to once again have to face just how alone I really have been in my journey.
But with that pain I also realized just how much I have accomplished, and how far I have come. I really can be proud of myself. I realized that I have accomplished significant things comparable to what these doctors have accomplished, and some of it I legitimately understand better then the doctors.
Their research confirms and validates me.
What I also found interesting is just how delusional, arrogant, and ignorant the professionals can be in their ego's.
I am going to criticize here.
I talked with a well known neuropsychologist while I was there. She is a beautiful and well poised little thing. She is intelligent and has obviously done well. She works specifically with people who have concussions and TBI and has developed an entire rehabilitation program that is unique and well marketed.
I wanted to know if she knew anything about the Neuroscience Institute. She did not recognize the name so she asked me who my doctors had been. I told here. She personally knows Dr. He, my ex-neuropsychologist. Now this is where the conversation gets tricky, though I will admit she came off a bit arrogant from the get go, but then she turned real arrogant and defensive using her status and profession and that bullshit claim of "ethics" in her attempt to avoid conversation.
In her defense it was unexpected, it would have been confusing, and if the situation were reversed I can't say I would handle it any better (*note added 5/14/2022- I had to deeply entrenched a habit of debasing myself while simultaneously giving too much credit to others. I would have handled it better and I have demonstrated that many times).
But... and there is that but,
what was most interesting was that she tried to tell me she wasn't my therapist and she really wouldn't or couldn't be because of the conflict of interest.
This part of the conversation was interesting because obviously I was not asking her to be AND how ignorant and presumptuous to assume that is what I was looking for or that I even needed that.
I do not need another artificial environment to try and "work through" these issues.  I need reality.
Ultimately I apologized to her for making her uncomfortable and I tried to explain, even though she did not want to hear it, and likely did not, as I tried to explain that it was a difficult situation that I simply don't know how to handle and their is still a part of me that just wishes to understand what was going on with him and why because I really don't want to hurt him. She could care less about anything I had to say and was rude and harsh.
And the comic irony of it is that is probably the reality I needed to see.
This lady who has so much experience and expertise with TBI being so offended, rude and harsh to a TBI survivor at a TBI conference, for behaving like someone who has had a TBI and also been treated badly by her people in her industry.
TBI effects filters
and boundaries
We seek for clarification by asking questions
We are often accused of being too honest,
too blunt.
We are emotional and feel things more deeply.
We have to fight to survive.
Depression and suicidal thoughts are common
...so many things
and might I mention that the ethics of this situation were obviously so warped and I had been treated so poorly with no resources to help, that this boundary violation of mine with this lady at this conference is equivalent to stepping on a sidewalk crack.
This beautiful lady, could not seem to realize that obviously therapy was not even in the vicinity of what I was asking of her and she also could not control her own defensive unprofessional emotions even in an environment where a conversation like this, bold, too honest, and confusing, could be expected, since it really comes with the territory. She lacked empathy and she could not seem to understand what I was asking or why.
I am left reflecting and feeling like there is a lot of fraud in this industry.
But in it, in the reality of my willingness to make an ass of myself for any kind of understanding and closure, it has also helped me see more clearly the arrogance, ego and ignorance of the Neuroscience Institute more clearly as I got a glimpse of the reality of the professionals in real life and real time when I was not manic and so very broken and still foolishly trusting them, the experts and my providers. She was not and has not been my provider but in her taking that approach of acting like I was asking for that I suppose, for a moment, she provided a transference scenario for me that helped me to see better who the people at the Neuroscience Institute really are.
So maybe I am harsh here and I am criticizing. I realize this may negate my apology but upon reflection -and touch of chastisement from a fellow TBI survivor who pointed out that, by apologizing, I was  (at least partly) approval seeking and trying too hard with a person that didn't care and was being a jerk- I think I am okay with that. I am okay negating my apology because these things need to be talked about and addressed and it is too bad if it makes people uncomfortable. I know, because it makes me and has made me very uncomfortable for many months now; especially since it has kept me neglected and it has had very real effects and consequences on my treatment that are not fair. So maybe I was not fair to her, but there in lies the problem with people not accepting responsibility for their actions, especially people in positions of power, and the problem with allowing the perceived week and vulnerable to be the scape goat; the ripple effect brings not fair to far more than it needs to.

I have very literally been fighting for my life and I am not done fighting.
I am improving. I may soon be able to let this go and switch from fighting to doing, I feel that change coming and happening. I am letting go the more I see the reality of their delusions that I threaten. The hard part now is deciding if I should allow them to continue in their delusions or if I should fight that because they are causing harm...