The Prettiest Petite Piñata Lady Ever and her Managed Manic Magnificence

Yesterday I stopped in at the Brain Injury Alliance to say high and see if there is anything I can get involved with there. I am needing to find a place, figure out how to fit into society once again. While there I met the prettiest petit piñata lady ever. I can not even begin to express how much I loved her. She was absolutely bursting with so much energy and so much of what I know so well but keep contained. She says she doesn't open up like that to people, that people do with her but she doesn't like that with them. She claims she needs to. I agree with that but I also am not sure that I should because she and I both know what comes along with that.
It's why we don't embrace our crazy so openly.
She was like manic me if I were on steroids and Ritalin at the same time and yet, she was managing, working and functioning.
Managed Manic Magnificence.
She was like a the live version of so many intensities shared on this blog, the stuff that I only share here and mostly keep restrained in the "real world."
I loved how she related to the spirituality and the way she thought in rhymes at times. I loved that she researches and understands "coming out of isolation." I love that she knows what it is like to be tough and yet not seen and not heard. Actually I don't love that, I wish she did not have that pain and the problems that come along with it. I wish I could take it from her and so many other tragedies she has had to endure, and the thing is she relates to that as well.
She is not me but she understands things about me and I understand things about her that very few do.
She and I, we are valuable in our communities and we are especially valuable in the TBI and bipolar communities. We could help the people who have abused us in the systems that are supposed to help us. We deserve to be heard and listened to, we deserve to be treated with respect and we deserve fair treatment.
She knows there are more out there like us and I hope I can help find them and help them have a voice too. We have taken on burdens and helped people be strong when we were breaking or broken our selves and far too often we were overlooked and/or slandered, talked down to, sacrificed or undermined because we were nice and tough but also independent and even selfless.
I take care of myself by taking care of others and I will keep doing that, only now, I'm also going to take care of others by taking care of and standing up for myself.
I remember asking, in my breaking and in my exiling: "Why me? Why now?"
Because I am stronger than I knew and I am needed and I have done a damn good job of managing and adapting and being a good person despite my "mental illness" and TBI.
Maybe I won't get resolve where or how I would like, but I may just be developing resolve.
And somehow I am letting go by holding on and I can feel things letting go as I reach out and keep trying.
True colors will come out and all that needs to be brought to light will be.
I am going to be okay.

This is what came out today as I reflected on Managed Manic Magnificence and the pains that come along with living and loving. I felt the pains of my lovely new friend and older friends. I felt the weight of the world as I painted. I wondered how and why we can all keep living with so much pain and so much heartache. A few tears fell as I painted, but ultimately, I feel like something beautiful came out of it and I love it. It may be my favorite painting yet.

Tiny victories
and
Keep Fighting
Update: My pretty piñata friend has read this and I love that she needed time to process it and me also, it tells me she is holding onto rational and I know that I can trust her. She told me she wants her name on here and I am flattered that she not only will allow it but requested it. The only problem I have is I don't know how to write her name in now without changing the integrity of my in the moment writing. So I decided to attach it here and in the future I will call her by name... maybe, -well, only if I don't think what I am saying could come back to bite her.- Her name is Renee Casati and she is truly a beautiful person. It is so nice to be seen and nice to be heard and nice to know I am not alone.

It's easy to die ...and industry that feeds it?

One thing I would like to address are the suicidal tendencies and thoughts. I am honestly pretty disgusted about how the Neuroscience Institute and Patient Experiences "Advocates" (those are the obnoxious sarcastic air quotations spoken with derision) overlooked, dismissed and treated with disrespect this very symptom in me. I knew not to say I was immediately feeling these things. I had been locked up once before for making a stupid honest comment. But I was fending those off and I told them so on several occasions. Then when I was really fading and struggling to find appropriate replacement care because they would not allow me to be seen there I pointed out how their actions affect people, to which they responded by calling the police. However, the police could do nothing because they don't treat fading they only can stop an emergency. The police felt they should not have been called, "passing the buck" is what they felt was happening. Other providers felt they should not have called. They never followed up or did anything to make sure I was getting proper care, so I feel it was basically a threat or meant to send a message to me.
I feel like and I suspect they think I was only making comments about this subject to manipulate. I think they are really stupid. If I was honestly trying to manipulate I would have made a bigger deal and I would not have been like, "yeah, I have had those thoughts but I am not right now and I know what to do with them and how to handle it when they come." That is what I said.
If I had been trying to manipulate to pursue I would have said something more like, "I am  feeling suicidal and I don't think I can live with out getting this resolved" or probably something stupid like that. I don't know, I cannot even think of a good intelligent manipulation for this scenario. Probably because I don't (do not) do shit like that.
That is stupid.
No, instead I try to address it but I also kind of try to hide it. It's kind of stupid and probably hard to treat but I try to make sure I am saying enough so they know it is there but won't have me admitted or committed anywhere. I know I can hold on for a long time.
BUT
I also know how damn easy it is to die.
And how it could take just one brainwave malfunction and you could be gone before you even realized what you were doing.
Here are some examples:

• hiking, oops, too close. 
• Medicine, "I just need a little extra"- or "wait, that wasn't a drink"
• the silver eraser that clears the unwanted, painful, memories quickly and completely with one pull of a trigger
• here is one I remember from when I was much younger- I must have been somewhere in the spectrum of manic as I was driving on the freeway thinking through the possibilities for my life. My mind grabbed hold of one path and then, faster than I was driving, as my vivid thoughts raced I lived through the entirety of the plan in my mind and then I was suddenly at the end of my life when my hands fortunately fought back the instinctive reflex to promptly jerk the steering wheel to the left thus ramming me into the cement barrier because my life was supposed to be over in that moment. 
• Oh, darn the river is faster than I thought. 
• It's a nice train. It just wanted a hug.  (or semi, or car)
• Here is one that reminded me I am not totally out of the woods yet: my daughter is telling me about what she learned in biology; that a person can die from water poisoning, by drinking too much water and my brain says "huh, that would be an interesting sensation" as I envision the ease of guzzling a galloon or few of water. 
• I just ran into a friend who shared concern about a family member of hers that is diabetic, because it would be so easy for this family member, all they would have to do is push a button on there pump...

I am sure I could share more but I think this list is sufficient to illustrate how easy it would be in a moment, just a moment, of intense and screwed up chemistry, one could easily do irreversible damage regardless of how well they think they can handle it. 

Fortunately I know that suicidal thoughts are a symptom, not the problem and certainly not the solution, so when I have them I mention them as just that, a symptom. But it is a symptom to take seriously because their is something terribly wrong and this symptom can get worse and/or catch you off guard at just the wrong time. So when someone says they are having this symptom, if they tell you they are feeling these things and if they try to explain any part of it please listen. 

**Ohh... epiphany- as I am writing I am thinking and I bet they really did think I was trying to manipulate because I told them these thoughts were being fed by the situation and the way the transference was  addressed, or maybe rather not addressed. Because I told them they were the root of and possibly the cause of the symptom I was experiencing. And I kept trying to tell them their neglect and desire to be rid of me, their treating me as worthless, was feeding it. 

Man, I am stupid sometimes. 

So it seems likely that my analyzing to maintain control of me and speaking openly about it, was once again, misinterpreted through projection, reflection, deflection. It is possible that my analyzing to maintain control of myself, may have been projected and interpreted as an attempt to maintain or gain some control of them... sigh

But the reality of the way they treated me does feed those feelings, especially when you are in a transference where you were learning to love yourself by loving the bits of you you saw in your therapist -that now needs to be rid of you. This is honesty from my fighting the suicidal thoughts and figuring out why the hell these thoughts were plaguing me so intensely and unexpectedly at all. It was never a manipulation of anybody. It was trying to undo the manipulation of me, that happened in therapy... Accidental or on purpose.

Damn this psychology is deep. But I assure you, it was not about them, or at least it was not supposed to be, it was about me. That is what I kept trying to tell them and will maintain is my truth. Yes, Dr. Cheri was loved by me, and honestly still stupidly is, BUT THAT IS NOT WHAT I WAS THERE ABOUT AND THAT IS NOT WHAT I WAS EVER AFTER IN SEEKING HELP, CLARIFICATION AND TREATMENT. It was supposed to be about me and the screwed up chemistry or injury of my brain. It was supposed to be about me and that when I so desperately needed it to be... But I am an empath and so many things that put my needs last. It should not be that way in that industry. This is where the broken, vulnerable, overlooked, neglected, caregivers need to be noticed, seen, valued, cared for and helped. Too many wounded end up wounding because they are reflective. 

And in this deep reflective epiphany moment, I am thinking maybe I need to be done with therapy with anybody ever again because it is too damn messy and too damn scary and they can twist it and twist you however they feel to either benefit or protect themselves. Sigh... and I thought they only had as much power over me as I allowed them to have. No, they have too much control, too much corruption, too much power, or there is too much disrespect, dehumanizing and stigmatizing of patients within the industry of psychology and psychiatry; the industry that is supposed to understand, help and protect me. 

Here we go round the mulberry bush...

It’s kind of strange being an adult and a child at the same time but apparently that happens when you have shit from your youth that needs to be worked through. It’s good to know I’m not alone in this even though I am very much alone in this.
I really like new therapist she is helping adult me reconcile with child me. She doesn't say that but that seems to be what she is doing. She is also helping me to understand reality. Reality is something that at times is hard for me to understand because apparently I might be bipolar and I probably have a mom that has borderline personality disorder and I definitely have a genetic predisposition for mental illness (which by itself makes me sad and mad) and head injury makes it much more likely for that genetic predisposition to manifest... I don’t really want to accept any of it and I have tried not to but ultimately that turns into me not accepting reality and rejecting part of my perfectly imperfect self which then somehow turns into me isolating myself... sigh...
So I am a child and an adult trying to figure this out and sometimes I don’t want to hear about how so much of this shit is actually normal so many people go through it because I’ve got years of feeling sorry for myself to catch up on. And that should be read with a laugh following because it is meant to be funny since, even though, there is a hint of truth, it is also not what I am really doing.
I really am grateful for my crazy ass shit because mine can at least be quite fun quite often and I have found a lot of good in it AND I have done really well with it. My lifetime friend, lets call her CP, even thinks it is funny that when I feel like I have super powers I think it is a symptom of mania or oncoming because she says I do have superpowers. I love CP, she really believes that about me.
So I really feel more proud of myself rather than sorry for myself. I mostly feel sorry for the lack of recognition and support I get. And ironically that is very likely tied to the fact that I do so well managing all my shit. I am not broken enough and, aside from me possibly isolating myself by trying to handle it myself, at times I actually end up being punished for that. Maybe people really don't believe me that snowboarding was just shy of orgasmic and that spirit animals and gods were talking to me because I wasn't full blown crazy and I could keep it within context. Maybe people don't believe I was manic because maybe I really was clairvoyant in those moments and I really did have super powers. Maybe I do need to return to that place and become a prophet or seer... Or maybe mania kept me from understanding how to handle the messages from god, maybe that keeps me for being a prophet... I could go on and on. Believe me, I have considered probably every possibility because my mind was running at hyper speed through every avenue.... my true super power. It's hard to keep up with. I can't even do it.
Yet somehow I managed, and that is discredited and that is where I feel sorry for me and angry at those who dismissed me so easily.
But back to Dr. She- today Dr. She explained that I was predisposed to have the problems I was feeling were a direct result of TBI and that TBI just brought them out. This is a hard pill for me to swallow because I first have to accept that I am "mentally ill" irregardless of TBI and somehow I have to both accept and dismiss the roles I thought or felt TBI has played in that. And I have to accept that I have to accept all of this shit I have been fighting to dismiss in myself. "If you just believe you can do anything" "if you have faith you can be healed"....Or you can go manic and have it be missed because you believe in yourself and the system that is "healing you".... tragic comedy of errors.
It's a lot to come to terms with.  I have to accept:

• that I am "mentally ill"
• that head injury may have contributed
• that head injury may not be my biggest problem
• that I have lower cognitive stamina
• I am genetically predisposed
• thus my children are also
• that my relationship struggles are deeper than TBI and Bipolar
• that I need medication 
• again
• and even more (medication)
• that I need people to help me
• the stigma, it's not going away
• that I am like my mother (in that I also have a mental illness and am a victim of some shitty circumstances) This one is harder than you know since I think she is pretty maladapted and I really don't want to be like that. I don't want to be a victim that points fingers at others criticizing them for "playing the victim" and thus doing the same thing with the situations they are not such a victim in... And yet, swinging too far the other way, when I am the victim I blame myself and get hurt more believing "I can fix this"... yeah, this is a hard one...
• and once again, I have to figure out what I want to do when I grow up, only now I appear to have a bad track record with jobs and I am old. 

And in addition to that I need to:

• once again figure out what to do with my life
• find a career that I can handle and that can handle me
• face that I have trust issues
• and avoidance issues
• grieve losses that are big and profound. 
• while staying grounded in reality and taking care of my family... but not completely at my expense. 

I’m going to be okay, I think, but I’ll also need to find a balance with my crazy and that just never seems to look like what others think it “should” look like.
Really that is what happened in my blog yesterday. I started off wanting to address the "take care of you to take care of me" problem probably many in therapy have but as I wrote my frustration with how completely powerless I am in civilly and amicably resolving anything with the Neuroscience Institute and specifically with Dr. He came out. If I had my way we would just talk and the crazy manic fed irrational components could and likely would very naturally work themselves out as I addressed them where and with whom they would be appropriate to address with. But I am not allowed, because they have me branded and stigmatized, because rules and policies don't allow it, because they (the rules and policies) are bias and stigmatizing... Such a stupid paradoxical conundrum: I have to pursue legal action and hire a lawyer to be heard because they are afraid of talking to me because I might might hire a lawyer and pursue legal action...
How do they not see
how stupid that be?

Care Bears need to air out there shit covered laundry!

I went back to school to complete my degree back in 2013 or so. I choose WGU because it was the most economical and feasible considering my circumstances. They have a great program for teaching. One thing I liked is they assign you a mentor that you check in with and that checks up on you every so often to help keep you going. I loved my mentor with WGU. At one point they assigned me a new mentor because the other mentor was only meant to be a startup kind of mentor. But new mentor's lack of life experiences and possibly her rigid "professionalism" made it hard for me to connect with her thus rendering her useless as a mentor to me and the check ins became kind of annoying to me, which did not help me with my schooling. Fortunately my old mentor was able to pull some strings and I got to keep him throughout the rest of my schooling with WGU.
And that is the back story to this very simple comment that my WGU mentor would say to me; often he would tell me I needed to take care of myself to which I would reply, "part of how I take care of myself is by taking care of other people." And now, obviously I was at least somewhat balanced in my taking care of others and myself because I allowed myself to request my old mentor and not worry too much about how that might make the new mentor feel.
It can be tricky finding that balance and I imagine therapists often see people who are unbalanced in how they define themselves with this very same trait. I bet they see many people who are trying to fix themselves and quite often repeat patterns of loving other people too much or neglecting themselves for the sake of others and they will repeat that mistake in therapy also by caring for their therapist when it is the therapists job to care for them. I would think this may be especially prevalent in my part of the world where my religious upbringing teaches girls heavily that their value lies in being a wife and mother and what they are doing to serve others.
Their is merit to this and it is important, however, I do feel we may be a bit too far to one side on this issue and I feel like it has got to be a huge challenge for a therapist not to get attached and find themselves getting some of their emotional needs met by their clients. They are human after all.
So this further confuses my brain on how the hell the APA and people in the field think it is a good idea to just shut a person out cold turkey if a therapist develops feelings. It is kind of disgusting how negatively stigmatized a therapist will be for that and how negatively this stigmatizes the client/patient with the slew of false and negative misconceptions and stereotypes this brands them with. I see that grooming can be an easy game for a therapist to play if their are no rules but the shutting out only protects the therapist and so hugely at the expense of the person on my side of the couch.
... And It has been fed, this stupid idea of "forbidden love" that my manic mind latched onto, by everyone denying me conversation about this and about what was going on with me. It has been fed by my husband trusting them and me trusting them and them refusing to call mania and misdiagnosis what it was. It has been fed by his refusal to apologize and by my husbands uncertainty of how to proceed with me. It has been fed by my broken heart again and again. It has been fed by Dr. Concussion's unwillingness to talk about what happened and her being swayed by whatever she was being told by people who had never even talked with me or had talked with me very little. It has been fed by the grapevine communication with the patient advocate and her acting as though she was helping me but then not even asking the questions I asked her to ask. It has been fed by the scarlet letter they branded me with.
It has been fed by them making it all about him and not about me. When it was supposed to be about me.
 It has been fed by their bullshit that "he felt threatened" by me, because the only threat that was known to me was that he didn't want anything to do with me because he could possibly love me, and because, they said, I used the word "but" in an email. In trying to have a conversation about what was going on with my head, and in, once again. trying to tell him that he was missing something that I needed him to see and that we needed to talk about (mania), I said I didn't want to go the route of filing a complaint "but" if that is what I had to do then I that was what I would do... It has been fed while he peacefully and easily burns out knowing he does not have to face me or talk about any possible countertransference or misunderstandings. I am angry again. I am hurt again. I am angry and hurt and all of it still just feeds the damn creature Perri Cheri that is eating my brain and my heart.
Please admit your mistakes IHC. PLEASE END THIS CYCLE. I have begged and followed your rules. If I am to continue to follow the rules you claim to follow, if I am to be a good citizen and if I am ever going to recover from this then I have to fight harder and you need to be held accountable. If you insist the fight is against me and with me and not for me and with me from what is going on with my damn head and the stigma's and misconceptions than the fight is with you... and I fight... to the death. To the death of my bills and the bad policies of the Neuroscience Institute and APA, or to the death of me. And if you keep winning so easily, so then my blood really will be on your hands if this continues until I am all burned up and burnt out completely.
...This is not at all where I thought I would go with this blog entry..  but there it is. I am tired. I am sad. I want to believe that is was simply a comedy of errors. I want to be able to be proud of my magnificent managed mania because it was damn hard but I managed to stayed out of complete psychosis and loosing complete touch with reality. I broke big and yet still managed. I begged for it to be seen when I wasn't even sure that was what it was, I kept trying and I want to be able to be proud of that, but instead I was shunned, shamed, lied to and lied about, I was slandered, stigmatized, denied treatment and exiled. And I am stuck in limbo not wanting to do anything because it could potentially hurt people I loved and trusted even though they were neglecting, gaslighting and abusing. When I was fighting for my rational brain they were fighting against it, insisting that I was fighting for the irrational, and this fed the irrational. It does not make sense. They would only listen when there was talk of lawyers or when I used appropriate legal jargon, but as soon as I told them I was not interested in going that route they would continue with disregarding me and feeding the wild fantasy that may not have been my own in the first place.  I hate that legal action feels like my only option. I know I can continue to just work on "letting it go" but "letting it go" just seems to fuel the damn fire that is supposed to have burned out months ago and "just letting it go" still seems to tie my brain to just letting me go, letting me burn out. I don't want to burn out. I want to improve again and I want to live again.
I don't think, at this point in my life, it is entirely wise to continue to define myself by how I can benefit others and what I can do for them. I think now, maybe, as I had said long ago in a previous post, I need to follow my damn guru's example and simply do whatever I feel I need to to protect and take care of myself, no matter how it might affect someone else. Look out for number one and number one only... No conversation, no negotiation, not trying to protect or care, just stigmatize and use against him all that I can to protect myself and make sure my ass is being taken care of financially because "I am okay with being wrong" at the expense of others... so where am I wrong? Please somebody tell me? I was wrong in trusting a person who had lost objectivity, acknowledged he broke me ["you broke me" "I did not mean to"], but would not address that and then openly told me "I am okay with being wrong."
I'd rather love you and be your friend, I'd rather work with you on my behalf and even help you to benefit my people you claim to be helping, but if that is not possible then I'll fight you to the bitter end, because you broke me, and then trashed me and I will not die for you no matter how you want me to!
...sigh... I'll leave this crazy shit here and post, because this shit needs to be talked about, this shit needs to be addressed, this shit needs to be washed out of the laundry it is dirtying and then hung up to air out.
Good night. sleep tight...
we ain't out of the woods yet.
But I sure as hell would rather talk about it than burn down the whole damn forest. I wish we (the Neuroscience Institute, IHC, Dr. He, Dr. Concussion and I) were on the same page... I am still willing to get there...
but my words are likely in vain.

The Basic Rules of Good Citizenship

If you are reading my blog for the first time or have read a few but not every entry may I suggest you go back to: https://amicrazy2.blogspot.com/2018/11/reprocessing-so-much-to-do-so-little.html
and really there are a lot that tell a lot about what happened, how it effects the brain, and even possibly why it effects it this way as I have gone through this crazy journey and have documented my processing and the damaging and harmful process that could have been largely avoided or a least greatly minimized if the Neuroscience Institute and IHC policies did not think they were above the basic rules of good citizenship that we teach our children in our public schools.
At very least, read the last paragraph on this lesson:

Substitute teaching the other day this was the Social Studies lesson I was given to teach and it broke my heart because "When you obey rules you are showing resect to authority and those who make the rules," and "a good citizen is someone who is not afraid to admit that he/she is wrong and is always willing to ask for a second chance."
 I was not even sure how to handle teaching it because the reality is the honest kids who take this to heart will be hurt and taken advantage of time and time again by big organizations and institutions, by people in authority and power... and these kids that take this to heart, and believe in the good of humanity and individuals, will believe in those trained, licensed and credentialed authority figures who are in reality refusing to take responsibility and admit their mistakes and are willing to do so completely at the altruistic child (now an adults) expense. And they will not realize this as they continue believing in and work for these basic, elementary taught, rules of good citizenship, expecting that these educated authority figure will also come to their senses and honor these rules thus stopping the harm and perpetuation of it and then working together solve the problem they are the ones that are trained and being paid to solve.
I want to protect these kids from believing in a society that actually lives the way this lesson teaches because I know, in reality, we do not live in a society where their medical providers, the ones they will likely trust the most, will do this.
...And these same rules are in their hipocratic oath's and APA guidelines (though the APA also has contradictory rules that are made to protect the therapist who may be abusing clients)
...It is sickening.

the problems with transference, countertransference and mania

"Why can't you just let it go?"
It is an annoying question for a few reasons:
#1. because I have and I do over and over again. But when I succeed in letting it go in one way, it comes back to bite me in another, again and again. If I  redirect and avoid thinking about it "it" pushes through in some other way. Sometimes in ways that are much worse than focusing on "it" and trying to understand and solve.
#2. "It" is not the Neuroscience Institute and/or Dr. He. To the person saying this they may think that, but in reality they are asking me to just let go of far more than that. They are asking me to just let go of my experiences and life and the new understanding I was coming to about how my life has truly been altered by the TBI that happened when I was 12. They are asking me to repeat the same patterns that have led to so much trouble, let go of the injury I cannot change and have no control over, and just be fine. All I have control over is how I handle it and what I do with it, I cannot just let go of what my body is and how it functions. I have to work with it in order to be fine, I cannot simply let it go.
#3. If I "just let it go" I am accepting and/or agreeing with them that I was not manic. Yes, I can logically say that is probably not accurate but they are the professionals, and then I am haunted and plagued by the injustice of that, the problems a misdiagnosis can cause if it is stated and upheld in my medical records, the defamations and the fact that this ignorance and/or abuse of a patient is not likely going to be isolated to just me. There are big problems and I am certain I am not the only one who has been or will be harmed by policies and procedures that perpetuate the kind of harm and worse that befell me.
#4. My core says I need to stand up for myself for reasons mentioned in #3 and because not doing that feeds that part of my psyche that buys into "I'm not worth it."
#5. Mania is not easy to manage through, nor is it easy to recover from. It is hard on brains and families. Yet the intensity of it is... exciting, exhilarating, supernatural, deep, profound, and very real. If it is denied, as it has been by the ones in power, the ones who diagnose, the ones that are supposed to be trained to recognize it, and the ones that I trusted, than it must mean that what I was feeling and the connections there were real for both parties and I am no longer meant to be with my husband. I can't come back even when he says "I just want you back" because this is no longer where I belong if the "not manic" diagnosis is accepted.  Furthermore, to deny both mania or that divinely orchestrated transference-countertransference connection is, at very least, equivalent to denying God. With all the spiritual connections, omens, bizarre coincidences, etc. of this situation to do nothing, to let it go, would be to deny God. Even if it is entirely something different and heading down this path takes me entirely somewhere different, I am not willing to deny God. I am not entirely sure what I need to do or how, but I know I have to do something. Return to Dr. He or address the bigger issues?
#6. When I choose to do something and choose to stand up for myself and fight back I am choosing to live and I am choosing my husband. I would like him to choose me too because if he is not standing up for me and with me in fighting this than it feeds that return-to-He-beast also.
Dr. He was my safe place, he was my support and he is where I felt most at home at that point in time ...and possibly ever in my life... and in my defense, from what I have researched, this is not an entirely uncommon occurrence in therapeutic relationships. It is a connection that is powerful and profound and hard to loose even without it being transference and manic fed.
So as much as I don't believe in the word can't and I know that I could in fact continue to try to "just let it go" I hope you will understand a little better what I meant and the effect it might have on a me. I hope when I say "I can't just let it go" you understand that if I did I would be stuck in limbo and my heart will just keep trying to find its way back home... to a home that does not exist and probably never did and/or to a home that needs and/or wants me gone so very completely.
I am sorry to say this, but it is the truth that all parts of me seem to agree on.  And I know that because right now, in saying this, I feel no surges, I feel no crazy out of control chemistry, I just feel... normal and balanced. I feel safe, sane, rational and plain.
and I have nothing left to say.

More Drama for my Trauma

I don't know that I will return to teaching... But I will say that substituting now, with the mood stabilizer helping me out, is so much better. My head doesn't feel like it's going to explode by the end of the day and I don't have to hide in the bathroom during recess or lunch because my eyes are leaking again. The over stimulating environment that it is, is not so bad and I can play great teacher for a day and be gone. It is nice. But substitute teaching is not a career and I don't know that everyday would be a good idea for me, which would then not be great for the kids. I am a great teacher in many ways but I know my limits. ... and so I am here again, trying to decide what to do when I grow up.
There is an identity crises that seems to accompany my mental lapses... And I hope I will get this one figured out better this time around. I mean damn, I broke big enough this time that I am likely (and proving to be true) not going to be able to burry that part of me so well and forget that is a problem and part of me. I kind of have to embrace now that this is a part of my perfectly imperfect... I can't fake it anymore. I am what I am and I have to accept it...
It is not as easy to do as it is to say...
SO
I'll talk about suicide now.
There is a lot I can say about that. But mostly I want to say it is a symptom. It is not the problem and it is not the solution. It is a symptom that needs to be listened to and addressed. Find out why, where it is coming from and then treat the problem while managing the symptom.
and that is something I have said before and will say again and again until people listen and start thinking of it differently.
One of the tricky things about the suicidal tendencies is that on one side there are the people who are hiding, not wanting to be a burden and not wanting to talk about it because of the misconceptions or because people with freak out and/or treat them different while on the extreme other side there are plenty of people who use it as a way to control others, a threat to get their way and their family members feel held hostage by the threat. They give those of us who know this damn symptom too well a bad rap. I question whether or not they really know what it is to be suicidal. Possibly it could just be an enabling problem. Mental illness is not an excuse for bad behavior. And on the flip side people with mental illness should not be condemned anymore or less for bad behavior. Very sane and rational people are capable of very bad behavior and they are branded as "crazy" when really they are just jerks.
... I am rambling kind of pointless floating... because I want to talk about this, but at the same time I am not in the mood.
...and just now I am returning from a phone call from a referral my psychiatric PA made. She apparently wanted me to see a physiatrist. She wants me to have someone helping me manage the TBI related stuff but the neurologist through her network has a long wait list. So maybe that is why she wants me to see a physiatrist.. I don't know. but turns out they don't take my insurance. So the nice girl gave me a recommendation. The doctors name and the phone number. Yep, can't go there. It's the Neuroscience Institute's number. That is where this guy is at and I have been exiled from there. What a mess. What a fiasco. Why can they deny me treatment? But then again, at this point I think I don't trust any of them and now really wondering if it is all just fraud. I think they don't know shit about head injuries and they are simply using and abusing people like me for a pay check.... a nice cushy fat pay check, easy money and low liability because my brain marred peers don't stand a fighting chance in this industry of glutenous god-complex narcissists
... just when I think I can let it go...
NOPE.
And if I were symptom free it'd make this so much easier.
Keep fighting
drama for trauma