I'm tired of the tired and I'm tired of the headache
and I am losing hope that this may change.
Is this my new norm? Is this the fantasy?
Easy come easy go
Galileo Figuro
Nonsense
that is what I am thank you very much
and you are too.
This realm of the unknown that I post to
for no real reason
just to appease the voices in my head that are now telling me it would be wise to go to bed
Good night world
good night mystery of the internet
and me
Saturday, July 13, 2019
Thursday, July 11, 2019
My Boxing Boy
My son started boxing yesterday. He was excited to get to hit the bag today. He admitted that he'd imagine whom he referred to as "he who shall not be named" when he started getting tired and then he'd hit harder and "it felt good" he said. I asked who exactly that was. He said, "you know, the man who has caused our family so much pain recently." (Dr. Cheri)
I'm fighting back tears now. I am sad this is what he has become. The doctor of psychology who could have and should have been a name that represented healing and a new me discovered through the understanding of the old me that for years had been broken and re-broken by TBI. His name, I once thought, would be held in high regard by myself and my family... But the healing was disrupted by the blindside that led to the downslide and feelings confide that couldn't hide but then being denied to abide
with the system that is upside
down
... at least that little rhyming game was fun in my head as I hid the tears and let my kids express their anger and dislike. They don't want me to defend him or to blame myself. It's not me, they say, it's he, and the system.
They were supposed to help but instead they shut out and hurt, to protect themselves at my expense
which was not just my expense
but my kids' as well.
These two teens notice me and they value me.
That is what they need me to hear. That is what I need to respect ...so I don't defend. I listen and I fight the tears well this time, just for them.
I'm fighting back tears now. I am sad this is what he has become. The doctor of psychology who could have and should have been a name that represented healing and a new me discovered through the understanding of the old me that for years had been broken and re-broken by TBI. His name, I once thought, would be held in high regard by myself and my family... But the healing was disrupted by the blindside that led to the downslide and feelings confide that couldn't hide but then being denied to abide
with the system that is upside
down
... at least that little rhyming game was fun in my head as I hid the tears and let my kids express their anger and dislike. They don't want me to defend him or to blame myself. It's not me, they say, it's he, and the system.
They were supposed to help but instead they shut out and hurt, to protect themselves at my expense
which was not just my expense
but my kids' as well.
These two teens notice me and they value me.
That is what they need me to hear. That is what I need to respect ...so I don't defend. I listen and I fight the tears well this time, just for them.
Procrastinating the Passing of the Burden
Today, this song means a lot: "Tiny Victories" Christina Perri
but mostly
I'm procrastinating.
Why?
I think "wait to talk with knew neuropsychologist," "sitting with it"
Listening to others is wise and respectful. Especially when they have the professional experience, education and training.
...Yet, it's also why I'm in this psychological thriller of a mess.
Balance can be very difficult at times.
-My right leg is not very balanced still. I feel it when I try to balance on it for exercises at physical therapy. Apparently that is the peroneal tendon's main job, so it makes sense.-
Emotionally, am I balanced?
I am procrastinating, deviating and avoiding.
But it still wakes me up at night and makes me tearful and tired in the day.
It hurts my heart. Figuratively now, not physically, but it hurts enough to make me cry.
Why?
Because I love that guy
I'll be honest.
and also I love the guy who kisses me and tells me he loves me every morning before he goes to work. Even when I am still in bed. Even when I am still sleeping.
I love this man who I live with, that has neglected me plenty, but is here, when I need someone most. When I need love most. He is trying. More than he ever has.
Yet I procrastinate the final and complete severing of the fantasy of the other man, the one who loved me but used me, the one who couldn't be what I needed him to be, my neuropsychologist and therapist or, at very least, real and honest.
And I hurt for my husband, but I still procrastinate...
What I felt was so very real and powerful to me, and that part is fed by refusal to confront the reality of what it may have been: simply fantasy, a perfect storm, mistakes, and/or a manic and broken mind fed.
I do well with talking things out. I do well with honesty. I do not do well with coverups and I am maybe tired of sacrificing my needs to protect others. In this situation, I was not given a choice. At first it felt as though I was, but it was manipulation and their self preservation. I was not given a compromise. It was his way AND the highway.
You would think that would be enough, to kill what I feel, but it adds to me the confusion of pity for him and for me.
And it's effecting me, in all aspects, even though I don't let it, it still is.
I'm tied to this.
I say "this would be so much easier to forget and get over if I had no lingering TBI symptoms. If I didn't still need their medical experience and expertise." I say this because it is the sad truth and my reality ...that I wish to deny and avoid often.
It breaks my heart and I don't know who to turn to because they have been managing this for me, they are supposed to be the ones I can turn to for answers. They were supposed to be my safe place, my care.
Lost faith in the medical industry, faith that was already shaky at best, but I was at least willing to trust, those in power, those in authority. ...
God.
That is the only place left to turn
but He was talking to me in the midst of this, so now, what do I do with that?
It's a predicament to be in
and I am struggling to keep my head above water... I know this because the water is still bailing out through my eyes so regularly and so frequently.
And he, who may have caused this or at least abandoned me in this, he is immune.
And strangely that brings me some comfort. There can be comfort in that, if I really do care for him. I suppose that is okay.
But is it? If he is employed to be the cure?
Or am I sacrificing my needs for what I don't understand and for what may actually be hurting others as well? Cyclical thinking.
A trap.
And how do I get out now?
pass the burden on to those whose job it is to handle that.
...I see my husbands face kissing me in the morning. I hear the echo of his voice from months ago, sweetly and sincerely telling me he knows there might be someone better suited for me and he would love to see me have that... yet, as he sits with it for a moment, he follows his comment with "but I think I might be too selfish." He doesn't want to loose me. I am worth his time and investment.
And he is worth mine.
...And this realization may have been the very thing that broke my neuropsychologist. Maybe that is the basic truth to all of this.
So -full of gratitude and sorrow- I procrastinate the passing of this burden on to those whose job it is to decipher.
but mostly
I'm procrastinating.
Why?
I think "wait to talk with knew neuropsychologist," "sitting with it"
Listening to others is wise and respectful. Especially when they have the professional experience, education and training.
...Yet, it's also why I'm in this psychological thriller of a mess.
Balance can be very difficult at times.
-My right leg is not very balanced still. I feel it when I try to balance on it for exercises at physical therapy. Apparently that is the peroneal tendon's main job, so it makes sense.-
Emotionally, am I balanced?
I am procrastinating, deviating and avoiding.
But it still wakes me up at night and makes me tearful and tired in the day.
It hurts my heart. Figuratively now, not physically, but it hurts enough to make me cry.
Why?
Because I love that guy
I'll be honest.
and also I love the guy who kisses me and tells me he loves me every morning before he goes to work. Even when I am still in bed. Even when I am still sleeping.
I love this man who I live with, that has neglected me plenty, but is here, when I need someone most. When I need love most. He is trying. More than he ever has.
Yet I procrastinate the final and complete severing of the fantasy of the other man, the one who loved me but used me, the one who couldn't be what I needed him to be, my neuropsychologist and therapist or, at very least, real and honest.
And I hurt for my husband, but I still procrastinate...
What I felt was so very real and powerful to me, and that part is fed by refusal to confront the reality of what it may have been: simply fantasy, a perfect storm, mistakes, and/or a manic and broken mind fed.
I do well with talking things out. I do well with honesty. I do not do well with coverups and I am maybe tired of sacrificing my needs to protect others. In this situation, I was not given a choice. At first it felt as though I was, but it was manipulation and their self preservation. I was not given a compromise. It was his way AND the highway.
You would think that would be enough, to kill what I feel, but it adds to me the confusion of pity for him and for me.
And it's effecting me, in all aspects, even though I don't let it, it still is.
I'm tied to this.
I say "this would be so much easier to forget and get over if I had no lingering TBI symptoms. If I didn't still need their medical experience and expertise." I say this because it is the sad truth and my reality ...that I wish to deny and avoid often.
It breaks my heart and I don't know who to turn to because they have been managing this for me, they are supposed to be the ones I can turn to for answers. They were supposed to be my safe place, my care.
Lost faith in the medical industry, faith that was already shaky at best, but I was at least willing to trust, those in power, those in authority. ...
God.
That is the only place left to turn
but He was talking to me in the midst of this, so now, what do I do with that?
It's a predicament to be in
and I am struggling to keep my head above water... I know this because the water is still bailing out through my eyes so regularly and so frequently.
And he, who may have caused this or at least abandoned me in this, he is immune.
And strangely that brings me some comfort. There can be comfort in that, if I really do care for him. I suppose that is okay.
But is it? If he is employed to be the cure?
Or am I sacrificing my needs for what I don't understand and for what may actually be hurting others as well? Cyclical thinking.
A trap.
And how do I get out now?
pass the burden on to those whose job it is to handle that.
...I see my husbands face kissing me in the morning. I hear the echo of his voice from months ago, sweetly and sincerely telling me he knows there might be someone better suited for me and he would love to see me have that... yet, as he sits with it for a moment, he follows his comment with "but I think I might be too selfish." He doesn't want to loose me. I am worth his time and investment.
And he is worth mine.
...And this realization may have been the very thing that broke my neuropsychologist. Maybe that is the basic truth to all of this.
So -full of gratitude and sorrow- I procrastinate the passing of this burden on to those whose job it is to decipher.
Tuesday, July 9, 2019
Possible alternative solutions
I do not have time at this moment to fully address this the way I'd like but after a friend mentioned the potential harm of relationships that don't follow that two year rule I'd like to address that. I do not condone the pursuing of relationships, especially sexual, outside of therapy when the relationship started there. But I do not think the black and white rule is the best, only or most healthy alternative. I agree that barrier can and may be a safeguard in many situations, however the standard policy of instantly dropping the client with no communication about this, no admitting of attraction, and the taboo of it all is NOT good practice and may safeguard the grooming therapists, but they may be the only people those policies really help and protect.
I'll be back to say more later.
added 7/31/19
First alternative solution: basically the quickest way to kill fantasy is through reality. A conversation away from his place of practice, bringing him into my elements, like if he had taken me up on my offer to teach him snowboarding, would have broken the perceptions of perfection that I had when I was there trusting him so completely as my healing practitioner.
A conversation when I was not amidst the manic managing prior to taking my kids out of the country by myself was absolutely needed for me. But there was no negotiating it was his way, which was no way at all.
Second alternative solution: We both meet with a third party to clarify.
Third: He write a letter explaining his position and understanding of my condition. He kind of did this in email, but in the midst of covering his ass and protecting himself. He did not acknowledge the symptoms that suggested mania and more significant problems, even though they could not be denied by every other person in the industry I have talked to or been treated for about it -even if I was trying to convince them otherwise, thinking myself it must not be if Dr. He had missed it.
a few quick ideas... just to get back here and follow through.
added 7/31/19
First alternative solution: basically the quickest way to kill fantasy is through reality. A conversation away from his place of practice, bringing him into my elements, like if he had taken me up on my offer to teach him snowboarding, would have broken the perceptions of perfection that I had when I was there trusting him so completely as my healing practitioner.
A conversation when I was not amidst the manic managing prior to taking my kids out of the country by myself was absolutely needed for me. But there was no negotiating it was his way, which was no way at all.
Second alternative solution: We both meet with a third party to clarify.
Third: He write a letter explaining his position and understanding of my condition. He kind of did this in email, but in the midst of covering his ass and protecting himself. He did not acknowledge the symptoms that suggested mania and more significant problems, even though they could not be denied by every other person in the industry I have talked to or been treated for about it -even if I was trying to convince them otherwise, thinking myself it must not be if Dr. He had missed it.
a few quick ideas... just to get back here and follow through.
managed manic magnificence
I have a lot to say and probably not enough time or energy to say it all so it will be interesting to see what comes out. If you choose to read this please read to the end.
1st: My managed manic magnificence is a sight to behold and the privilege was lost on the man who lost objectivity. Stigmas and stereotypes, typicals and expected sometimes cause us to loose sight of what may be really happening. One thing I realized a long time ago is that very few people become the exception to the rule until they realize they are not the exception to the rule. Think of recovering and recovered alcoholics for an easy example of this.
I am the exception to many rules, but it is because I have recognized that I may not be and I have worked hard to manage and rationally consider what is happening with me and my emotions and thinking. I have utilized dual nature, likely more aware of my own because TBI can cause you to be things you are not and then feel terrible about, for example: angry.
Which brings me to another point; it is well known (or it should be) that often our greatest strengths can be our greatest weaknesses and vice versa. I hope for the day when people realize that this can be the case with so many issues that are listed and viewed as problems. ADHD, OCD, anxiety, even depression, can serve a purpose and if worked with and managed can be useful traits. They can be turned into strengths. Bipolar people have accomplished amazing things because of that strength. Managed mania can be quite magnificent; think Robin Williams.
BUT don't be fooled into thinking it is easy to manage; think Robin Williams. Just because a person makes it looks easy and natural does not mean it is and most certainly does not mean they are faking (you can't fake that and if a person can they have my applause).
At physical therapy today my physical therapist, who has seen me tear up far too many times, asked why that is. He commented that the emotions are raw and right at the surface. He is right, they are, but they are also down deep. This experience with TBI, Concussion Dr. and Dr. Cheri, Dr. P, Dr. He, (whatever I call him) has affected me at every level.
Every level.
I will stand up for myself here: I was exiled, not due to misbehavior or fault of mine, I was not out of line, rather I questioned, expected, trusted and did not follow the patterns of typical or followed patterns that suggested contrary to what I actually am or my intentions. I have been told, they won't listen, they won't admit any wrong doing, their first and foremost interest is in protecting themselves. Which is understandable yet maybe they have been irrational in how they are protecting themselves. How can you fix something if you will not change the mistake? It is classic wisdom that the continued cover up will only make things worse.
When my husband was a teen he hid a motorcycle injury -road rash on his arm. He tried to ignore it and tough it out. He was embarrassed and didn't want to deal with the hassle. Fortunately the doctor who was seeing him for something else caught sight of it when he did, because it had started to go gang green. The recovery at that point was very painful and much worse than it would have been had he just dealt with the embarrassment of his mistake in the first place.
What if it is the doctor who makes the mistake, misses the problem? I am being told by those in the industry that they are not supposed to admit it. WHAT??? How is this okay? All because some people are sue happy, they say. And somehow that is justification?
They won't listen to me with out a lawyer I am told, and truly they have proven this point, yet they don't want me to hire a lawyer and they will fight the lawyer with their bigger better funded lawyers, their power and dominance, and their PHD's and prestige so the result, I have been told, is inevitably me out a significant amount of money, time, energy and emotional wellbeing so that I would simply be heard, but disregarded with a bigger fight.
This is very wrong.
The ideal versus the reality are too far apart in this system.
AND please remember I was seeing a neuropsychologist, they are psychologist, and they have a psychology team at that facility. Isn't one of the main points of psychology to work things out rationally and in a safe and ethical environment? Isn't the goal to help people become self aware and learn how to work through issues through safe and effective communication? I guess one thing we learn in psychology is that we will not always be able to do that and we need to process and let go of those painful and damaging relationships where safe and effective communication is not possible, but wait, they are supposed to be the realm of possible that helps us process those relationships, so why am I not allowed that? Because I am a slower processor of new information? Because I was in a PTSD fog, that was starting to lift in a scary way? Because I believe in reciprocity and mistakenly cared for my therapist in that way? Because I have a deeper depth and complexity? Because I understand too well and not well enough?
Or because he found me attractive and lost objectivity? and for that I deserve a scarlet letter L (for Liability)?
Or is it because I am intelligent enough to bring them down and therefore a liability? Just because I can does not mean that I will
and here is where we get into a true abuse of power.
They know this.
They know from their testing and from my condition that I was vulnerable and my head has not been optimally functional. Dr. P also knows that I care about people. He knows that I will feel immense guilt for making life harder for someone else, especially if I care for them. I suspect, to some degree, he may be banking on it. He also knew -from the get go- that I did not have strong social or family support. He new that I have struggled with insecurity and feelings of rejection. He knew a whole lot that, coincidentally, also, on paper, would make me a prime target for manipulation and grooming.
He knows I won't want to report this. He knows I would want to believe what I felt and how he tried to build me up over how he may have been trying for some ulterior motive. He knew when he told me his life is very complex right now and that he needed to focus on his kids, I'd care about him and them. When he mentioned other patients needing him more than I do and that he has to turn patients away, he knew I would care about them also. He knew when he mentioned/implied women in his life were trying to hurt him, I'd pick up on it, care, and not want to be one of those women. He was mistaken if he thought I would pity him for the "very small" place he now lives in. I think small can be great. But he was right that it would resonate when he threw out the comments about having to give up on the dream of building a house and reprocessing his own childhood. ... and the farther away I am from the situation the more I question his honesty and sincerity or if these were just ways he knew me better than I realized and if they were straight up bold faced lies he was using to manipulate me to protect himself.
I thought I was immune to people like that, because of the situations I've seen people go through and situations I have suffered second hand from, but maybe I am not.
And maybe the question to "why me and why at this point in my life?" is answered easily by; this guy needed to be caught.
I hope not and I pray for him, but because I know what I know and I am who I am and they are expecting me to play by rules that have hurt me and caused serious harm, that is exactly why I will file that report with the state, and let them decide.
I don't want to. I have tried not to feel like that is needed. I have tried to handle this on my own. I have tried to work it out with them, but to no avail.
So why? Well frankly, I don't know, but I do know how this has effected me and my family and I know that I should not be the one taking all the fallout from this. It is not fair or inline with their rules that be left without the resources I need to best figure out what the extent of these injuries are. I should not have lost the team I sought out specifically because they were the best advertised and licensed fit for my needs. Initially I thought the breaking of me due to being dropped by my therapist unexpectedly was still linked to TBI, possibly still car accident, but maybe it was more linked to psychological damage caused by abuses of powers and systems in which I have no say or control.
Maybe "why me and why then" because I need to speak out against whatever is happening there; Maybe me, because I actually will. Maybe the Yin and Yang that was almost visible in the intensity and insanity of that moment is wisdom to heed. Maybe the words that so instinctively came out of my mouth that I have had to process the meaning of are representative of the deeper happenings that my conscious mind couldn't face in those very intense moments. Maybe the magnificence of my mania is actually clarity.
This situation is deep and profound, and yet maybe far too simple. I'll let the state decide and no longer take on the burden and guilt trying to, understand, help and/or fix the broken that was not me or mine.
1st: My managed manic magnificence is a sight to behold and the privilege was lost on the man who lost objectivity. Stigmas and stereotypes, typicals and expected sometimes cause us to loose sight of what may be really happening. One thing I realized a long time ago is that very few people become the exception to the rule until they realize they are not the exception to the rule. Think of recovering and recovered alcoholics for an easy example of this.
I am the exception to many rules, but it is because I have recognized that I may not be and I have worked hard to manage and rationally consider what is happening with me and my emotions and thinking. I have utilized dual nature, likely more aware of my own because TBI can cause you to be things you are not and then feel terrible about, for example: angry.
Which brings me to another point; it is well known (or it should be) that often our greatest strengths can be our greatest weaknesses and vice versa. I hope for the day when people realize that this can be the case with so many issues that are listed and viewed as problems. ADHD, OCD, anxiety, even depression, can serve a purpose and if worked with and managed can be useful traits. They can be turned into strengths. Bipolar people have accomplished amazing things because of that strength. Managed mania can be quite magnificent; think Robin Williams.
BUT don't be fooled into thinking it is easy to manage; think Robin Williams. Just because a person makes it looks easy and natural does not mean it is and most certainly does not mean they are faking (you can't fake that and if a person can they have my applause).
At physical therapy today my physical therapist, who has seen me tear up far too many times, asked why that is. He commented that the emotions are raw and right at the surface. He is right, they are, but they are also down deep. This experience with TBI, Concussion Dr. and Dr. Cheri, Dr. P, Dr. He, (whatever I call him) has affected me at every level.
Every level.
I will stand up for myself here: I was exiled, not due to misbehavior or fault of mine, I was not out of line, rather I questioned, expected, trusted and did not follow the patterns of typical or followed patterns that suggested contrary to what I actually am or my intentions. I have been told, they won't listen, they won't admit any wrong doing, their first and foremost interest is in protecting themselves. Which is understandable yet maybe they have been irrational in how they are protecting themselves. How can you fix something if you will not change the mistake? It is classic wisdom that the continued cover up will only make things worse.
When my husband was a teen he hid a motorcycle injury -road rash on his arm. He tried to ignore it and tough it out. He was embarrassed and didn't want to deal with the hassle. Fortunately the doctor who was seeing him for something else caught sight of it when he did, because it had started to go gang green. The recovery at that point was very painful and much worse than it would have been had he just dealt with the embarrassment of his mistake in the first place.
What if it is the doctor who makes the mistake, misses the problem? I am being told by those in the industry that they are not supposed to admit it. WHAT??? How is this okay? All because some people are sue happy, they say. And somehow that is justification?
They won't listen to me with out a lawyer I am told, and truly they have proven this point, yet they don't want me to hire a lawyer and they will fight the lawyer with their bigger better funded lawyers, their power and dominance, and their PHD's and prestige so the result, I have been told, is inevitably me out a significant amount of money, time, energy and emotional wellbeing so that I would simply be heard, but disregarded with a bigger fight.
This is very wrong.
The ideal versus the reality are too far apart in this system.
AND please remember I was seeing a neuropsychologist, they are psychologist, and they have a psychology team at that facility. Isn't one of the main points of psychology to work things out rationally and in a safe and ethical environment? Isn't the goal to help people become self aware and learn how to work through issues through safe and effective communication? I guess one thing we learn in psychology is that we will not always be able to do that and we need to process and let go of those painful and damaging relationships where safe and effective communication is not possible, but wait, they are supposed to be the realm of possible that helps us process those relationships, so why am I not allowed that? Because I am a slower processor of new information? Because I was in a PTSD fog, that was starting to lift in a scary way? Because I believe in reciprocity and mistakenly cared for my therapist in that way? Because I have a deeper depth and complexity? Because I understand too well and not well enough?
Or because he found me attractive and lost objectivity? and for that I deserve a scarlet letter L (for Liability)?
Or is it because I am intelligent enough to bring them down and therefore a liability? Just because I can does not mean that I will
and here is where we get into a true abuse of power.
They know this.
They know from their testing and from my condition that I was vulnerable and my head has not been optimally functional. Dr. P also knows that I care about people. He knows that I will feel immense guilt for making life harder for someone else, especially if I care for them. I suspect, to some degree, he may be banking on it. He also knew -from the get go- that I did not have strong social or family support. He new that I have struggled with insecurity and feelings of rejection. He knew a whole lot that, coincidentally, also, on paper, would make me a prime target for manipulation and grooming.
He knows I won't want to report this. He knows I would want to believe what I felt and how he tried to build me up over how he may have been trying for some ulterior motive. He knew when he told me his life is very complex right now and that he needed to focus on his kids, I'd care about him and them. When he mentioned other patients needing him more than I do and that he has to turn patients away, he knew I would care about them also. He knew when he mentioned/implied women in his life were trying to hurt him, I'd pick up on it, care, and not want to be one of those women. He was mistaken if he thought I would pity him for the "very small" place he now lives in. I think small can be great. But he was right that it would resonate when he threw out the comments about having to give up on the dream of building a house and reprocessing his own childhood. ... and the farther away I am from the situation the more I question his honesty and sincerity or if these were just ways he knew me better than I realized and if they were straight up bold faced lies he was using to manipulate me to protect himself.
I thought I was immune to people like that, because of the situations I've seen people go through and situations I have suffered second hand from, but maybe I am not.
And maybe the question to "why me and why at this point in my life?" is answered easily by; this guy needed to be caught.
I hope not and I pray for him, but because I know what I know and I am who I am and they are expecting me to play by rules that have hurt me and caused serious harm, that is exactly why I will file that report with the state, and let them decide.
I don't want to. I have tried not to feel like that is needed. I have tried to handle this on my own. I have tried to work it out with them, but to no avail.
So why? Well frankly, I don't know, but I do know how this has effected me and my family and I know that I should not be the one taking all the fallout from this. It is not fair or inline with their rules that be left without the resources I need to best figure out what the extent of these injuries are. I should not have lost the team I sought out specifically because they were the best advertised and licensed fit for my needs. Initially I thought the breaking of me due to being dropped by my therapist unexpectedly was still linked to TBI, possibly still car accident, but maybe it was more linked to psychological damage caused by abuses of powers and systems in which I have no say or control.
Maybe "why me and why then" because I need to speak out against whatever is happening there; Maybe me, because I actually will. Maybe the Yin and Yang that was almost visible in the intensity and insanity of that moment is wisdom to heed. Maybe the words that so instinctively came out of my mouth that I have had to process the meaning of are representative of the deeper happenings that my conscious mind couldn't face in those very intense moments. Maybe the magnificence of my mania is actually clarity.
This situation is deep and profound, and yet maybe far too simple. I'll let the state decide and no longer take on the burden and guilt trying to, understand, help and/or fix the broken that was not me or mine.
Monday, July 8, 2019
Countertransference: the problem with current policy
This idea and common practice that says a therapist should immediately and absolutely terminate if counter-transference, specifically (and maybe especially) of the romantic kind, is very wrong. While I don't know an exact solution and I most certainly do not know of a perfect solution I know the aforementioned practice, that seems to be common practice and the APA expectation, is very very wrong. Here are some reasons why:
1. What an easy policy to abuse and/or for a corrupt therapist to use to their advantage. If a therapist is grooming and it isn't going as planned, the patient is about to blow his cover, No problem, claim countertransference and the patient is cut off and cut out, no questions asked.
2. It is only protecting the therapist and/or the facility they work for and often at great cost to client/patient.
3. THIS IS A BIG DEAL IF THE INDUSTRY ACTUALLY CARES ABOUT THE HEALTH AND WELlBEING OF THOSE THEY CLAIM TO BE HELPING, AND ESPECIALLY FOR SOME OF THE MOST VULNERABLE. You send the message to the person that even if they are actually lovable they are not worth the time or energy to care for or invest in. It becomes deeply engrained with the betrayal of a therapist whether countertransference is admitted or not. I imagine it would be even more difficult to overcome if the countertransference were in no way admitted because then the person would know what they felt but be completely confused by the sudden dropping. The message would be received with no logical answer and no place to turn to while distrusts and abuses that had them questioning their self worth in the first place are completely confirmed to the ultimate level.
4. The patient client may behave very strange feeling like they need to protect the therapist but not knowing what from or why and while being cut off from them completely. They may be needing to solve what is going on with their head not knowing what is what, for example is it TBI, mood instability, triggered mania, or some silly fantasy of a forbidden love that just became very real. It's very confusing and yet fed by the APA ethical rule that says no contact for at least two years if there is ever to be a relationship. Then, in they event that the therapist is actually romantically interested, they are required to abuse the patient client through isolation and rejection, in order to pursue that. And even if they are not interested in pursuing that, the patient that felt it, that knows there was something, is stuck in that head game with the power of the therapeutic relationship and their willingness to trust and be vulnerable working against them and this is further fed by the fact that the therapist won’t talk to them or help them sort this out in anyway.
It is a very difficult head game to escape and it is not fair to the patient. The only people it protects are those in power and it is an absolute abuse of power.
I have blogged extensively about my situation and how it has effected me internally, while the thoughts and opinions expressed their do not represent me entirely as a whole and/or they may not reflect well how I am functioning on a daily basis, It has been my therapeutic outlet and my method of both processing and coping. I have published all this on my blog that is not advertised and few people know about because it is how I feel I can be honest and transparent and I also publish in hopes that in someway it might reach and help others at some point. You are welcome to read it.
1. What an easy policy to abuse and/or for a corrupt therapist to use to their advantage. If a therapist is grooming and it isn't going as planned, the patient is about to blow his cover, No problem, claim countertransference and the patient is cut off and cut out, no questions asked.
2. It is only protecting the therapist and/or the facility they work for and often at great cost to client/patient.
3. THIS IS A BIG DEAL IF THE INDUSTRY ACTUALLY CARES ABOUT THE HEALTH AND WELlBEING OF THOSE THEY CLAIM TO BE HELPING, AND ESPECIALLY FOR SOME OF THE MOST VULNERABLE. You send the message to the person that even if they are actually lovable they are not worth the time or energy to care for or invest in. It becomes deeply engrained with the betrayal of a therapist whether countertransference is admitted or not. I imagine it would be even more difficult to overcome if the countertransference were in no way admitted because then the person would know what they felt but be completely confused by the sudden dropping. The message would be received with no logical answer and no place to turn to while distrusts and abuses that had them questioning their self worth in the first place are completely confirmed to the ultimate level.
4. The patient client may behave very strange feeling like they need to protect the therapist but not knowing what from or why and while being cut off from them completely. They may be needing to solve what is going on with their head not knowing what is what, for example is it TBI, mood instability, triggered mania, or some silly fantasy of a forbidden love that just became very real. It's very confusing and yet fed by the APA ethical rule that says no contact for at least two years if there is ever to be a relationship. Then, in they event that the therapist is actually romantically interested, they are required to abuse the patient client through isolation and rejection, in order to pursue that. And even if they are not interested in pursuing that, the patient that felt it, that knows there was something, is stuck in that head game with the power of the therapeutic relationship and their willingness to trust and be vulnerable working against them and this is further fed by the fact that the therapist won’t talk to them or help them sort this out in anyway.
It is a very difficult head game to escape and it is not fair to the patient. The only people it protects are those in power and it is an absolute abuse of power.
I have blogged extensively about my situation and how it has effected me internally, while the thoughts and opinions expressed their do not represent me entirely as a whole and/or they may not reflect well how I am functioning on a daily basis, It has been my therapeutic outlet and my method of both processing and coping. I have published all this on my blog that is not advertised and few people know about because it is how I feel I can be honest and transparent and I also publish in hopes that in someway it might reach and help others at some point. You are welcome to read it.
**after publishing I sent this to the APA. Do you think they will listen?
Please read follow up entries. You can find those by clicking directly on the "Am I Crazy" title or finding the entries by date on the right side.
Please read follow up entries. You can find those by clicking directly on the "Am I Crazy" title or finding the entries by date on the right side.
Sunday, July 7, 2019
"uncle"
maybe instead of fighting it, I just let it settle in and run its course
I'm tired of fighting
whatever it is I am fighting
I'm tired of fighting
whatever it is I am fighting
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