Countertransference: the problem with current policy

This idea and common practice that says a therapist should immediately and absolutely terminate if counter-transference, specifically (and maybe especially) of the romantic kind, is very wrong. While I don't know an exact solution and I most certainly do not know of a perfect solution I know the aforementioned practice, that seems to be common practice and the APA expectation, is very very wrong. Here are some reasons why:
1. What an easy policy to abuse and/or for a corrupt therapist to use to their advantage. If a therapist is grooming and it isn't going as planned, the patient is about to blow his cover, No problem, claim countertransference and the patient is cut off and cut out, no questions asked.
2. It is only protecting the therapist and/or the facility they work for and often at great cost to client/patient.
3. THIS IS A BIG DEAL IF THE INDUSTRY ACTUALLY CARES ABOUT THE HEALTH AND WELlBEING OF THOSE THEY CLAIM TO BE HELPING, AND ESPECIALLY FOR SOME OF THE MOST VULNERABLE. You send the message to the person that even if they are actually lovable they are not worth the time or energy to care for or invest in. It becomes deeply engrained with the betrayal of a therapist whether countertransference is admitted or not. I imagine it would be even more difficult to overcome if the countertransference were in no way admitted because then the person would know what they felt but be completely confused by the sudden dropping. The message would be received with no logical answer and no place to turn to while distrusts and abuses that had them questioning their self worth in the first place are completely confirmed to the ultimate level.
4. The patient client may behave very strange feeling like they need to protect the therapist but not knowing what from or why and while being cut off from them completely. They may be needing to solve what is going on with their head not knowing what is what, for example is it TBI, mood instability, triggered mania, or some silly fantasy of a forbidden love that just became very real. It's very confusing and yet fed by the APA ethical rule that says no contact for at least two years if there is ever to be a relationship. Then, in they event that the therapist is actually romantically interested, they are required to abuse the patient client through isolation and rejection, in order to pursue that. And even if they are not interested in pursuing that, the patient that felt it, that knows there was something, is stuck in that head game with the power of the therapeutic relationship and their willingness to trust and be vulnerable working against them and this is further fed by the fact that the therapist won’t talk to them or help them sort this out in anyway.
It is a very difficult head game to escape and it is not fair to the patient. The only people it protects are those in power and it is an absolute abuse of power.
I have blogged extensively about my situation and how it has effected me internally, while the thoughts and opinions expressed their do not represent me entirely as a whole and/or they may not reflect well how I am functioning on a daily basis, It has been my therapeutic outlet and my method of both processing and coping. I have published all this on my blog that is not advertised and few people know about because it is how I feel I can be honest and transparent and I also publish in hopes that in someway it might reach and help others at some point. You are welcome to read it.

**after publishing I sent this to the APA. Do you think they will listen?
Please read follow up entries. You can find those by clicking directly on the "Am I Crazy" title or finding the entries by date on the right side. 

"uncle"

maybe instead of fighting it, I just let it settle in and run its course
I'm tired of fighting
whatever it is I am fighting

the downside continued

I've been a fool thinking I could avoid the crash that inevitably follows... I've kept it at bay for many months now, but I feel it, slowing and pulling. The weight.
Depression is creeping heavily in

...meditations
contemplations.
Exploring my own brain
I find that spot way in the back that is happy and fine.
I can access that. I can pull that out
Bright colors.
Fields of flowers
snow
sunshine
smiles and bright feelings
It's still there
I have to pass through all the dark and heavy;
push it aside
I'll need to listen to it when it nags and pulls or it will creep into my happy and take over before I know it, but the happy is still there
waiting for me to find it again and welcome myself in.

The reality is
this is a heavy burden that I really don't know how to handle and it is extremely complex for me. But there is still so much beauty in everything around me and even inside of me.

The harsh realities of TBI and IHC

It's funny how waking up seems to be happening still.
I feel really sad and angry that I broke and they choose to hold it against me. He broke me and then to cover it up he turned me into something I was not. He choose to believe or worked to lead others to believe that I was simply pursuing him in some warped way when I was broken and trying to keep my head above insanity.
I am angry because not only is it difficult, painful and embarrassing to loose touch with reality but they stigmatized me, gaslight and ostracized all to protect him, when in reality that is what I was also trying to do, protect him. I am angry that he manipulated me to protect himself in a way that he knew would or could cause further harm to me.
I started this concussion healing journey with them and I went there because that is what the specialize in. I went there because they understand TBI, or at least they claim to.
but they used it against me.
They would not listen and they would not pay attention to the reality of the situation and they behaviors that I was trying to tell them were not normal for me. They ignored the flooding of memories and the turning point of being able to address PTSD only to later claim it as justification for exiling me.
I am so hurt and I am angry, though I don't really feel anger... just, that I am hurt, deeply.  and sad, sad for what this means for me and sad for what this means for them.
I am sad about the lies. That the whole institution is a lie. The Neuroscience Institute of Murray Utah is a lie. Maybe just insurance fraud, for easy money. I am so sad.
The realities of head injury are harsh and sad and this is another one.

Random, not so random

The waking up is not yet ended in its entirety. It's beyond frustrating, which might explain why today I feel like "who gives a shit about anything." A I'm giving up and I don't care about a damn thing, kind of day.
I'm lazy and zombie like.
Yesterday was so emotional. So much so that I want to include the F word but I'm trying to clean my mouth back up... wait, it's a who gives a shit kind of day... I guess I still care even if I don't give shit or I somehow think giving shit is something people do and are supposed to do. I digress...
The F word fits for the emotional toll of yesterday because "For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge" was how my head was messed with. He literally was FUCKing with my head. I'm still not sure if he meant to but he is far too intelligent and has been so concerned with cover up and keeping people from listening to me or being concerned about me and my health and wellbeing that it is clear that he really was playing with a hot fire.
"You isolate yourself" he said, and this one has baffled me.
He seemed a bit frustrated with me, yet it was something I had discussed previously with him, when I explained how my insecurities and pain from rejection would often cause me to behave oddly, thus I was further isolating myself. Only now, in this context and conversation, I was not sure why he said this ("you isolate yourself"). It did not make sense to me.
Yesterday I met with the new neuropsychologist. It was supposed to be a new neuropsychological evaluation, but I was too emotional. He felt it might benefit me to do some counseling first, get this old neuropsychologist stuff processed first then do the assessing.  That could give a better idea on what is TBI residual. At least that was my understanding. He wanted me to choose but obviously I don't know what is best for me, because if I did, I'd already be over this shit. I've been trying. And not trying. And everything in between... but I'm still here. Broken.
New neuropsychologist wants me to meet with the female therapist in his office. I don't trust females, but due to my transference issues... This is annoying but I get it. I assure him, its not going to happen, at least not on my end, and since that is all I can control I agree the female therapist might be the way to go... Now I don't trust men either I guess. But regardless we have a good conversation and he gives me a bit of insight.
When I tell him about situation with old therapist, how I told old therapist I'd not come back to him as my therapist if it meant he could not be my friend, he reacts. He thinks this is odd. I agree. I explain, and he actually listens, granted I'm well out of my messed up manic breaking brain, this kind of stuff is embarrassing. I said stupid stuff and wanted to clarify. It took months to figure out exactly how stupid some of the shit I said was. I explain that I was not in my right mind and had old therapist not lost objectivity, he would have seen it. Or he was using it against me early on. I don't know.  I just know it hurts still in many ways. I explain to new neuropsychologist that it is part of what makes this whole ordeal so painful, it IS embarrassing and they were supposed to know how to handle it but instead they confirmed the insecurities of there being something terribly wrong with me and I was not allowed to discuss it.
"Oh shit, she is one of those. Never mind cover that buried story back up. Your perfectly imperfect actually is not acceptable, not even here" is what they seemed to say.
and I'm circling and cycling again, maybe ruminating.
I don't know.
But then later, conversation with my boss who is a therapist, he asks how I made it to work so early; We put off the eval because I'm too much of a mess. He asks how I feel about that. Wrong question. I break down. Now I am compromising my job, but oh well, too late, the flood gates are open. He listens, we talk, he asked questions, he understands a lot. He tells me "that's some heavy shit" I know, because I feel it.
He understands how deep the betrayal might feel. He wonders about the transference, did/do I love Dr. Cheri because he was the therapist? this is common. ...
The thing is I can tell you how many kids he has and about his kids. I know their ages and where his daughters are at college. I can tell you he was going through a divorce and at times it was painful for him. I don't know why but I know it was. I can tell you about how he collects rocks from places of his ancestors. He even has ancestors from India, which surprised me. I can tell you that he doesn't quite fit into the Utah culture and he would one day like to try kite surfing. I can tell you more but that is enough about him. Here is what he could not tell you about me: That I also collect rocks. That I also want to build a house. that I have two kids and he likely cannot tell you much about them. He could not tell you the condition of my relationship with my husband or that I had been to other therapists (to be fair, I had mostly forgotten about the other therapists so he could not have known about that, though if he had asked I would have remembered sooner).
He doesn't know these things because I did not share. If I felt a connection with him I'd withhold anything that might strengthen that connection. I could say I was protecting myself, and I likely was, but I was also protecting him ...from me, because even though I couldn't believe it -I was so broken- deep down I knew their was something there, I knew he was flirting with disaster.
So I isolated myself. I rejected him.
"I've tested you, in ways you don't know."
But I knew.
And so the mystery of how and maybe even why I isolate myself was solved yesterday as I realized how I keep people away in order to protect them from me...
"I'm not afraid of you."
Really? Maybe I am afraid of myself. I am afraid I will destroy people. and they are certain I am a threat.
So, who gives a shit?
Angel of destruction
Random and not so random
...Emotional tired mess yesterday, lost today, I wonder what tomorrow will bring.
"Sit with it" is what Dr. New says, when I ask about reporting. I have. I am tired of sitting with it. I am tired of trying to understand what is going on with my head. I am tired.
Manic
not manic
this mess
it's exhausting
heavy shit
3 weeks to sit with it until I get to meet New She Therapist. To process.

The downside

I've been a fool thinking I could avoid the crash that inevitably follows... I've kept it at bay for many months now, but I feel it, slowing and pulling. The weight.
Depression is creeping heavily in

fading

From "accept your perfectly imperfect" to "your  perfectly imperfect is completely unacceptable."

Last night I dreamt of my brother who died
and I miss him

Men that I see remind me of Mykel Henrie
He's broken
Then the reserve shoot, I see deployed
and aunt Dee Dee
who died skydiving when I was in ninth grade.
Her reserve shoot too late.
Mykel Henrie, not enough time
Jason... His life too short

I feel sad
and unacceptable
why?
...the problem with "letting it burn out"
is that "it" is me