the downside continued

I've been a fool thinking I could avoid the crash that inevitably follows... I've kept it at bay for many months now, but I feel it, slowing and pulling. The weight.
Depression is creeping heavily in

...meditations
contemplations.
Exploring my own brain
I find that spot way in the back that is happy and fine.
I can access that. I can pull that out
Bright colors.
Fields of flowers
snow
sunshine
smiles and bright feelings
It's still there
I have to pass through all the dark and heavy;
push it aside
I'll need to listen to it when it nags and pulls or it will creep into my happy and take over before I know it, but the happy is still there
waiting for me to find it again and welcome myself in.

The reality is
this is a heavy burden that I really don't know how to handle and it is extremely complex for me. But there is still so much beauty in everything around me and even inside of me.

The harsh realities of TBI and IHC

It's funny how waking up seems to be happening still.
I feel really sad and angry that I broke and they choose to hold it against me. He broke me and then to cover it up he turned me into something I was not. He choose to believe or worked to lead others to believe that I was simply pursuing him in some warped way when I was broken and trying to keep my head above insanity.
I am angry because not only is it difficult, painful and embarrassing to loose touch with reality but they stigmatized me, gaslight and ostracized all to protect him, when in reality that is what I was also trying to do, protect him. I am angry that he manipulated me to protect himself in a way that he knew would or could cause further harm to me.
I started this concussion healing journey with them and I went there because that is what the specialize in. I went there because they understand TBI, or at least they claim to.
but they used it against me.
They would not listen and they would not pay attention to the reality of the situation and they behaviors that I was trying to tell them were not normal for me. They ignored the flooding of memories and the turning point of being able to address PTSD only to later claim it as justification for exiling me.
I am so hurt and I am angry, though I don't really feel anger... just, that I am hurt, deeply.  and sad, sad for what this means for me and sad for what this means for them.
I am sad about the lies. That the whole institution is a lie. The Neuroscience Institute of Murray Utah is a lie. Maybe just insurance fraud, for easy money. I am so sad.
The realities of head injury are harsh and sad and this is another one.

Random, not so random

The waking up is not yet ended in its entirety. It's beyond frustrating, which might explain why today I feel like "who gives a shit about anything." A I'm giving up and I don't care about a damn thing, kind of day.
I'm lazy and zombie like.
Yesterday was so emotional. So much so that I want to include the F word but I'm trying to clean my mouth back up... wait, it's a who gives a shit kind of day... I guess I still care even if I don't give shit or I somehow think giving shit is something people do and are supposed to do. I digress...
The F word fits for the emotional toll of yesterday because "For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge" was how my head was messed with. He literally was FUCKing with my head. I'm still not sure if he meant to but he is far too intelligent and has been so concerned with cover up and keeping people from listening to me or being concerned about me and my health and wellbeing that it is clear that he really was playing with a hot fire.
"You isolate yourself" he said, and this one has baffled me.
He seemed a bit frustrated with me, yet it was something I had discussed previously with him, when I explained how my insecurities and pain from rejection would often cause me to behave oddly, thus I was further isolating myself. Only now, in this context and conversation, I was not sure why he said this ("you isolate yourself"). It did not make sense to me.
Yesterday I met with the new neuropsychologist. It was supposed to be a new neuropsychological evaluation, but I was too emotional. He felt it might benefit me to do some counseling first, get this old neuropsychologist stuff processed first then do the assessing.  That could give a better idea on what is TBI residual. At least that was my understanding. He wanted me to choose but obviously I don't know what is best for me, because if I did, I'd already be over this shit. I've been trying. And not trying. And everything in between... but I'm still here. Broken.
New neuropsychologist wants me to meet with the female therapist in his office. I don't trust females, but due to my transference issues... This is annoying but I get it. I assure him, its not going to happen, at least not on my end, and since that is all I can control I agree the female therapist might be the way to go... Now I don't trust men either I guess. But regardless we have a good conversation and he gives me a bit of insight.
When I tell him about situation with old therapist, how I told old therapist I'd not come back to him as my therapist if it meant he could not be my friend, he reacts. He thinks this is odd. I agree. I explain, and he actually listens, granted I'm well out of my messed up manic breaking brain, this kind of stuff is embarrassing. I said stupid stuff and wanted to clarify. It took months to figure out exactly how stupid some of the shit I said was. I explain that I was not in my right mind and had old therapist not lost objectivity, he would have seen it. Or he was using it against me early on. I don't know.  I just know it hurts still in many ways. I explain to new neuropsychologist that it is part of what makes this whole ordeal so painful, it IS embarrassing and they were supposed to know how to handle it but instead they confirmed the insecurities of there being something terribly wrong with me and I was not allowed to discuss it.
"Oh shit, she is one of those. Never mind cover that buried story back up. Your perfectly imperfect actually is not acceptable, not even here" is what they seemed to say.
and I'm circling and cycling again, maybe ruminating.
I don't know.
But then later, conversation with my boss who is a therapist, he asks how I made it to work so early; We put off the eval because I'm too much of a mess. He asks how I feel about that. Wrong question. I break down. Now I am compromising my job, but oh well, too late, the flood gates are open. He listens, we talk, he asked questions, he understands a lot. He tells me "that's some heavy shit" I know, because I feel it.
He understands how deep the betrayal might feel. He wonders about the transference, did/do I love Dr. Cheri because he was the therapist? this is common. ...
The thing is I can tell you how many kids he has and about his kids. I know their ages and where his daughters are at college. I can tell you he was going through a divorce and at times it was painful for him. I don't know why but I know it was. I can tell you about how he collects rocks from places of his ancestors. He even has ancestors from India, which surprised me. I can tell you that he doesn't quite fit into the Utah culture and he would one day like to try kite surfing. I can tell you more but that is enough about him. Here is what he could not tell you about me: That I also collect rocks. That I also want to build a house. that I have two kids and he likely cannot tell you much about them. He could not tell you the condition of my relationship with my husband or that I had been to other therapists (to be fair, I had mostly forgotten about the other therapists so he could not have known about that, though if he had asked I would have remembered sooner).
He doesn't know these things because I did not share. If I felt a connection with him I'd withhold anything that might strengthen that connection. I could say I was protecting myself, and I likely was, but I was also protecting him ...from me, because even though I couldn't believe it -I was so broken- deep down I knew their was something there, I knew he was flirting with disaster.
So I isolated myself. I rejected him.
"I've tested you, in ways you don't know."
But I knew.
And so the mystery of how and maybe even why I isolate myself was solved yesterday as I realized how I keep people away in order to protect them from me...
"I'm not afraid of you."
Really? Maybe I am afraid of myself. I am afraid I will destroy people. and they are certain I am a threat.
So, who gives a shit?
Angel of destruction
Random and not so random
...Emotional tired mess yesterday, lost today, I wonder what tomorrow will bring.
"Sit with it" is what Dr. New says, when I ask about reporting. I have. I am tired of sitting with it. I am tired of trying to understand what is going on with my head. I am tired.
Manic
not manic
this mess
it's exhausting
heavy shit
3 weeks to sit with it until I get to meet New She Therapist. To process.

The downside

I've been a fool thinking I could avoid the crash that inevitably follows... I've kept it at bay for many months now, but I feel it, slowing and pulling. The weight.
Depression is creeping heavily in

fading

From "accept your perfectly imperfect" to "your  perfectly imperfect is completely unacceptable."

Last night I dreamt of my brother who died
and I miss him

Men that I see remind me of Mykel Henrie
He's broken
Then the reserve shoot, I see deployed
and aunt Dee Dee
who died skydiving when I was in ninth grade.
Her reserve shoot too late.
Mykel Henrie, not enough time
Jason... His life too short

I feel sad
and unacceptable
why?
...the problem with "letting it burn out"
is that "it" is me

TBI- knowing vs understanding

Sad, and oh so tired. These games have made me oh so tired. 

I don't have the cognitive, mental and emotional stamina to fight this fight. It really wears me out. 

The thing is they know this. 

They know this and they are using it to their advantage. 

I don't know exactly what I have stumbled onto in all of this but things they know well about head injury/TBI and psychology they have tried to use against me. 

What they keep ignoring and not wanting to hear is that I have been fighting this battle for over 28 years now. I have been working to adjust, cope and overcome the tired, push crash, emotional and mental health related issues that -they know- are so common with head injury. I have been learning and adjusting to these problems for longer than they have all been in practice; longer than the Neuroscience Institute has even been in business. 

and a business, sadly, seems to be all that they are. 

There are so many things that they know about head injury/TBI but that they don't understand.

I understand what they know. I have lived it for so very long. 

...Reciprocity would be much better.

the beginning of the end

I feel sad and low. and oh so slow. not at all sure which way to go.
He's a narcissist say some
inappropriate say others
abuse for sure, of power and more
...and I have an obligation to report.
moral.
Logically and rationally, it's what I need to do
but I really don't want to.
no apology. no acknowledgement of mistakes. no explanation
a letter of explanation, no apology needed, just tell me your take, why my brain reacted that way...
but none.
Red flags, so many, Ignored
because he's so nice and certainly I am the aggressor. and "crazy. but not manic" they say.
It's not rational. their logic does not make sense.
-But I don't stand a chance and they know it -mental heath issues, and behavioral they've labeled. they are in control, ...fighting fire with fire,
but gaslighting manic will burn us all down.
...
I have to turn him in. report this to the state, and maybe beyond. All of them.
And it makes me so sad.
so so sad