fading

From "accept your perfectly imperfect" to "your  perfectly imperfect is completely unacceptable."

Last night I dreamt of my brother who died
and I miss him

Men that I see remind me of Mykel Henrie
He's broken
Then the reserve shoot, I see deployed
and aunt Dee Dee
who died skydiving when I was in ninth grade.
Her reserve shoot too late.
Mykel Henrie, not enough time
Jason... His life too short

I feel sad
and unacceptable
why?
...the problem with "letting it burn out"
is that "it" is me

TBI- knowing vs understanding

Sad, and oh so tired. These games have made me oh so tired. 

I don't have the cognitive, mental and emotional stamina to fight this fight. It really wears me out. 

The thing is they know this. 

They know this and they are using it to their advantage. 

I don't know exactly what I have stumbled onto in all of this but things they know well about head injury/TBI and psychology they have tried to use against me. 

What they keep ignoring and not wanting to hear is that I have been fighting this battle for over 28 years now. I have been working to adjust, cope and overcome the tired, push crash, emotional and mental health related issues that -they know- are so common with head injury. I have been learning and adjusting to these problems for longer than they have all been in practice; longer than the Neuroscience Institute has even been in business. 

and a business, sadly, seems to be all that they are. 

There are so many things that they know about head injury/TBI but that they don't understand.

I understand what they know. I have lived it for so very long. 

...Reciprocity would be much better.

the beginning of the end

I feel sad and low. and oh so slow. not at all sure which way to go.
He's a narcissist say some
inappropriate say others
abuse for sure, of power and more
...and I have an obligation to report.
moral.
Logically and rationally, it's what I need to do
but I really don't want to.
no apology. no acknowledgement of mistakes. no explanation
a letter of explanation, no apology needed, just tell me your take, why my brain reacted that way...
but none.
Red flags, so many, Ignored
because he's so nice and certainly I am the aggressor. and "crazy. but not manic" they say.
It's not rational. their logic does not make sense.
-But I don't stand a chance and they know it -mental heath issues, and behavioral they've labeled. they are in control, ...fighting fire with fire,
but gaslighting manic will burn us all down.
...
I have to turn him in. report this to the state, and maybe beyond. All of them.
And it makes me so sad.
so so sad

You know someone is really good at something when they make it look easy. When they make the impossible look easy, that's how you know they have talent, skill and experience.

a moment

I need a moment.
The run of emotions today is so high
at funeral I didn't even cry
Now off to work...
But I need a moment,
as fatigue is starting to press hard.

Relief, release, will writing help now? Or should I close my eyes. I'm pushing my 80. Maybe already beyond, but what do you do when there is more to be done?
This is the struggle with my tenacious brain and the mark that was left internally.

Silly, silly artistry

Yet, focused on fix
I can certainly say that I am far better off this way.
And really, I think,
 not so much broken anymore,
rather I am still just weak.
Rebuilding takes time if you want it solid,
If you'd rather not push too hard thus causing cracks in the scars.
So slow I go as I grow
more gracefully into me

Grace may not be the right word but whatever. I like who I am and I like all of my silly artistry.

Last night, we got home late, but so much emotion was wanting to push out. The canvas and color that sat in the garage called and I succumbed. So with fingers and hands, while tears streamed silent, I let what was hiding inside push out. 

Can we pass on healing?

Today I crave sleep.
MH, the fallen angel, is in such bad shape and I know it. I want to sleep, and let my healing energy somehow pass on to him.
But I know I can't. It is impossible to do this. So then I wish to sleep to keep the heart from hurt and to keep the mind from memories, meaning and maybe even mania.
And I am still healing. 
Not just my ankle, but my whole leg and hip now remind me. The other foot and the tired brain remind me.
Then there are the scratches all up and down my legs... new wounds, new healing.

.But healing is happening and stronger I become.
..My heart, though it hurts for this new man, this time it simply hurts figuratively. Not the depth and complexity, not the injured chemistry.
Today I feel it in my chest but not so nearly physically.
Back in November my heart physically hurt. I could feel the chemicals surging and it hurt. Only to subside per the tabs of the drug that had caused it. But with out the drug -I was no longer allowed- it hurt. off and on physically, all the way through to somewhere in March or April. That is a very long time, but I'm glad I'm adjusting. I'm healing.
The process is so slow and confusing
broken in my own way
yet still far better off, in my childish state,
than the man that fell from the sky yesterday.