Gravity

Shoot,
 the brain is really going again.
Rapid releases for relief
What goes up must come down
delaying down won't stop it
thought I'd made it through. Hope I did, but tears they keep coming, hitting unexpectedly. Not sad just coping and embracing and allowing
btw: on lexapro again, half of a half, not the dose or refill they prescribed uninvited with termination from Concussion Dr.
Tired
 but brain is busy, writing and re-writing stories
more than one way to skin a cat
time to compartmentalize. set it aside and get done what we were distracted from. But welcome distraction. A God send

Free from pain or fighting for the underdogs?

Stories. So many stories. and I get to write my own.
take care of you they all say
Janice,
she's right.
concern all my life, taking care of others
focus on your strengths
-that is-
stand up for the underdog
but our strengths can be our greatest weaknesses
so do I take on Goliath?
Who is the real underdog
me
or he, owned by the industry?
Or they, the others whom the bureaucracy, is claiming to help?
he can't practice according to his conscience.
I do know that much.
they want him to do more testing and less therapy.
But he is amazing and very good at therapy
and testing, but he has the power to change people in healthy happy ways through therapy
Like Janice said
and she is correct
"he has changed you for the better." Hold onto that, be careful where my focus goes
I bet, that even changed, that can still be a slippery slop
best to be aware.
don't head down the slop
the one I was afraid of slipping down when I said "I can't loose you right now"
I knew I wasn't on solid ground
So slow I crept along the edge of that slippery slop so I wouldn't fall back into the same traps and ruts.
I am not the same but I am also still not in the clear
and it was good to be reminded.
 Life is so very very interesting and God really does put people in our paths at times.
"I don't know what it looks like yet" I said to the Facility Director the first time I talked with her, "but I know I need to stand up for myself"
Stories, where will this one go? Where will I take it?
It does not die here
that much I know.
I let myself die and I'm on the other side
how will the story go from here?
A few rough drafts I'll try
I like to work that way anyway.
Input welcome

his eyes are just sweaty, that's all

**another interesting (probably fact): the sex drive is likely the reason husband is not complaining. He says this has been the hardest thing on our marriage, he complains about the bills, and truthfully he doesn't like to fight this kind of fight, but he would have either left or Neuroscience Institute  would have had a few more angry phone calls and heard more from him if it weren't for that (sex).
... it is very surprising and fascinating to me that he feels this has been the hardest thing on our marriage. For me it has not because we have dealt with some really hard shit things, that have about ended us many times. Deaths, dysfunctional families, parents and siblings loosing all financial stability, health problems, mental health issues, ADHD (him), OCD (him), PTSD (me), CEN (both), depression (both), anxiety, what some label as bipolar but what we have come to realize is TBI (both) coupled with the stresses of life, poverty, welfare, separation, corrupt jobs... Lots of fun stuff in 20 years. No wonder I buried so many of my stories, and so much of me.
But
 there has also been a lot of good and fun
and after making that sidetracked, slightly derailed, list
I am pretty proud of us and how we have handled such adversity.
No turning to affairs, drinking, or drugs and we know we can trust each other.
That is refreshing and nice.

Not sleeping well again

A new goal of mine is to really work on my executive functioning skills. Time management, space management, and memory management, the main components of executive functioning are all things I've wanted to do better at for a very long time. Not surprising, those 3 things are a common increased struggle after TBI; so for me it has been pretty much a lifetime struggle.

Yesterday, in thinking on prioritizing all the things I need to do, the psychiatrist and neurologist appointments I needed to pursue came into question. Do I even want to?
Neurologist: probably nothing-so this one might just be an added expense and I don't want or need that, plus the reasons I have been told I might want to go really scare me so naturally I am avoiding. And doctors have not pressed this, are not terribly concerned, like Concussion Dr who was even trying to pawn me off on someone else, so why bother?
...but then my left hand got shaky again... and weakness... and not feeling pain the same.
Avoidance, my old treacherous friend, I suppose I might need to ignore your advice this time.
I tried to schedule. They needed the referral faxed. I am not sure if this doctor is the best choice. I don't really trust doctors anyway and especially now...
I get referral sent from my family care, they are nice and helpful still, but they have never been overly nice the way Neuroscience Institute used to be. I have been with them for some time. I hope this means I can trust them.
...But I forget to call neurologist back to schedule the appointment.
Psychiatrist: Dr. Concussion has wanted me to go to one since January, I have been somewhat resistant and scared of this idea as well, but also I have wanted to understand from ex-neuropsyche his prognosis, diagnosis and explanation of what happened and why before going down this path because I don't want to keep going through the unnecessary process of reliving the experience I had with him the way I have been every time I try a new place or see a new provider, or need to explain what is going on with me. I don't know. He does, but he won't have that necessary conversation with me. Even with others present, he will not. Even though my patient rights, as documented per their corporation, guarantee/promise it. So added pain and added expense and now Dr. Concussion, who seemed to care and promised to help me find a new medical team won't even give me a recommendation on who to see. They state, I need to go through my insurance. legal cover-your-ass jargon?
Do I really even need to see one? I have managed this crazy amazingly well, all things considered, and my chemistry has most certainly changed for the better in ways. [not-so-random side note: there goes left hand again]
...aaargh, and sigh...
damn chemistry.
It has changed and for better or worse I really don't know since those are judgment words, but I do know that my base, in-other-words me not on medication, is not better. I was often short, sometimes with angry outburst -like I had not had for a very long time. This time though I hardly even cared and the lack of guilt or empathy was a bit foreign, at least there was enough to recognize this was not who I wanted to be and not good for me or my family so back on Lexapro, and I am really glad it's working as well as it is ...so maybe I don't need that psychiatrist again...
But... and here is a painful, embarrassing (?), weird chemistry change confession  -that has me a bit concerned at times; Sex drive. I feel a bit sex crazed at times and the increase has been very enjoyable but if I am being honest with myself a tad alarming. Really only alarming when I start feeling things like I did in the post where I mentioned IKEA... The manic sex has settled but the sex crazed does not seem to be subsiding, in spite of the fact that I thoroughly enjoy sex with my husband and I have no complaints there and in spite of the fact that our relationship now is better than it has ever been.
sigh... damn chemistry.
and I wish it were the only issue. I am 80% fine but I would like the tears to come less frequently.
Which is why ultimately I decided to follow through with scheduling (or attempting) that appointment. Which... included tears, even when I felt strong and confident going in. I was not worried, just choosing to focus on getting the stuff done that I need to in order to help me the best I can in improving my executive functioning skills.
The tears came when the lady on the phone said I cannot schedule an appointment because they had to have the referral. That referral would state specifically what it was I needed and then with that referral they would match me to the best and appropriate provided. This is when the tears came.
Because that is the conversation I have been trying to have with ex-neuropsychologist for all these months but he won't. And because they could have set that up, it is what Dr. Concussion said she would do for me and then would not. It could have easily saved me this pain and reliving.
...and that is all I want to say for now
**interesting fact: they (the ostracizing Neuroscience Institute) have neurologists in their office but not a psychiatrist-hmm, why is it she insisted I need to get the neurologist referral from the wrist doctor? Family practice thought it a bit odd also.

Art Therapy

During therapy, Dr. Cheri encouraged me to do things that were just plain relaxing. The goal was to help my tired, push-crash-cycling, and concussed brain slow down and get the breaks it needed so it may recover more fully. One of the activities I chose to do occasionally was to paint.

Full disclosure: I am not a painter nor an artist. I do, however, like to play with paint and after a lesson from my beautiful artist sister-in-law on how to do that I have found allowing myself the freedom to explore that medium without pressure or judgement from myself or anyone else to be very therapeutic and satisfying. 

Here I will share:

The Puzzle of my Broken Brain

This first painting I painted was while early in therapy with Dr. Cheri. It may have been the first painting where I really let myself explore and be free, without much thought or care on what I was painting or the finished product. It was messy and relaxing, and I enjoyed the process. Upon completion as I looked at my painting from afar, I felt as if I had just achieved my teen and adolescent desire to open my head, dump out the mess that was inside and sort it out like a puzzle so I could understand what was happening in there. 

I shared this picture and experience with Dr. Cheri to which he replied with a comment I will not share here because, out of context, it sounds and feels very wrong. I will say this much, I figured he was testing the intimacy and my security of sharing something like this, deep inside I knew he was also testing my feelings about him; testing me for transference. My reply then, "No, that'd be way more terrifying." Later I referenced his comment in my frustrated rebuttal to what felt like his accusations of stalking when I was seeking clarification. This was the comment that female therapist I tried found so offensive but failed to ask why I had said it. 

Letting it Burn Out

 This second picture was painted when I was trying so hard to recover from the mania and the massive melt down of whatever it was that transpired in therapy. Initially I had started painting a water drop, something I had wanted to do after noticing the beauty in the shape and reflections of water drops on glass. I had started that and left it. Days later I decided to use the canvas for another therapeutic free play session. My thoughts were on "letting it burn out;" something dear Perri had shared with me on how he had resolved or would resolve himself to move on from me. (More words that hurt me deeply and have been denied in this whole ridiculous ordeal, but that he assuredly has stuck to, and I have likely helped him with, as I was burning up inside). The picture very much created itself, and though it is messy and unskilled, I love it because of all the images that seemed to come out in this very unintentional piece. In the end I did slightly enhance two figures I saw in it and somehow the water droplet remained but aside from that there were no intentional images created. I love this one. It is deep and intense to me as I achieved some artistic texture and complexity that I have no experience with.

The Scarlet Letter

This last canvas started out as a completely different mess of artistic expression and creation that I did not love. It was another exercise. Even a second attempt to let it burn out more completely. I was hoping the second attempt, a more intentional attempt to let this whole deal die out, would kill it completely. Not surprisingly, it did not work, and as I confess my thoughts I realize how silly they were; how silly it was to attempt to structure a burning out that really was about me burning out. No wonder it looked very much like an attempt at an underwater scene. Since I didn't like it much I decided to paint over it the other day. I needed the the therapeutic activity to help me relax after the two damning letters from the IHC corporation.
This final product was also very unintentional -at first. Until it became the perfect backdrop, so I added my scarlet letter L [for Liability] to see what would happen next.
In the end it was fascinating what came out in this picture. I listed it on the back and truly, if I was not accused of being a stalker and concerned that this is part of his cover-his-legal-ass plot to prevent me from winning any kind of lawsuit (something that I am now seriously considering), I would send it to dear Perri Cheri with this list of what came out:
- a box (he broke mine, or Pandora's, I can't be sure)
- the scarlet letter L, for liability, what I became to the Neuroscience Institute and Dr. Perri specifically. (Yes I am aware of how I change his name in my writing, I don't know why it happens but I don't care about this mistake so I will leave it)
- the lovely little lost "l" from the misspelled word "should." This was from his golden instructions he wrote out for me, at our last actual therapy appointment (Nov. 12th NOT the 26th)
- a buried story- covered
- lot's of covering up. the cover up and cover up and cover up. Probably why it felt like the perfect backdrop for my scarlet letter.
- a touch of gold
- a mask, only seen from afar, though it shows well in the photo.
- a totem, something he told me about, a potential tool I could use.
- and maybe some restrictive bars behind the letter L
Art therapy.
What do you see?

IHC Office of Patient Experiences Review

The Patient Experiences team with IHC , the patient advocates, their investigation process, is simply a ploy to give them a running head start with their legal team; to gather and and start compiling their case against you. A way for them to know ahead of time exactly what they need to do, and to try to  preemptively create a manipulated trail of evidence they can use against you, so that any case they plead, in defense against your complaints, is airtight.
If Dr. He, Perri Cheri, is a manipulative mastermind he is a genius who likely pursued working for this Goliath of a corporation for this very reason.

Off with her head

Close to my heart I hold the crystals we found at topaz mountain
and wearing my “bead for life” bracelet
I hope the energy of the rocks and the paper crafted jewelry will open my heart and bring clarity to my mind.
...my heart is broken
it does not hurt anymore yet it is still broken
almost empty
with only salty water remaining that's being drained through my  eyes
...and I wonder
maybe I don't need to fight to survive
maybe I can let myself die
to see what that may look and feel like
let go of everything
let my heart die
no longer to betray me or anyone else
let it go and die with it
what ever "it" is
so
I'm letting die
to see where that adventure takes me
and to see what's on the other side
I do wonder how long
this death will take