Why is this so hard?
I know this will pass but my heart hurts too much still. It has affected me in ways I didn't expect and in ways that make me feel like my heart is betraying me... and my family.
I don't sleep well.
It is unresolved for me. Too much was ignored. Too much was missed. and I was not allowed what I needed. It was not about me and my needs when that is exactly what it needed to be about. That is not selfish when you are paying for services. When that is really what it is supposed to be about.
That is partly my fault. I let it be about other people. I was worried about performing just so for everyone else. I was starting to see that it needed to be about me and that is when I got dropped.
Now my lawyer won't talk to me either. He thinks I am asking him to be more than I think I am asking. I wanted him to find out. Find out if something was missed. Figure it out and solve it for me since I was not allowed to. Since I don't know how to play their game but it is obvious they are worried about "liability" and not me. He is the one I hired to take care of all the car accident related stuff. I think he thinks this is not car accident related. I am not sure if it is. That is why I was there originally; my head was a mess from that. It was a mess. I had regressed and suppressed and forgotten even who I was. I don't know what caused what.
But I am confusing to people.
I am still basing my value on how others perceive and treat me?
That is really stupid and self-absorbed to think your value lies only in your own selfish ego. That we don't need others and that their opinions don't matter or count. Now I am being judgmental aren't I?
I care about others and value their professional opinions but that does not mean they have to value me.
I should not judge them for that I suppose...
I am trying to find the balance and sometimes doing great at it, while other times failing miserably.
I am angry and hurt. but mostly hurt ...and sad.
I have been tricked, manipulated and played with like a fascinating toy; when I needed help. I had mistaken the fascination for genuine caring and I have to remind myself that it was not real, only just a game. I have to sort it out, alone, what was real and what was imagined or misinterpreted. I have to fill in the blanks of the professional whose answers I never got (but am paying for still) or I have to relive it and try to figure out by trying to find the "right" fit and "right" doctors to help me from here. I don't want to relive it and figure it out without the person who actually knows what happened. I don't want others to make up stories about me and to pretend to understand me with out talking to me. I am not everyone else, I am not a stereotype, I am not a stigma, I am not a liability, I am not a mental illness, I am not incoherent. I am not ignorant, I am not a toy or a pawn and I am not unintelligent. I am not a statistic.
I cannot be busy enough to escape this.
Maybe I need to try harder... a cycle... I know that cycle...is that a positive one or a negative one? I don't remember.
Monday, February 11, 2019
Saturday, February 9, 2019
keeping up
Sometimes mania happens when you are fighting depression, hurt or pain.
The deeper the depressions
the heavier the hurt
the more intense the pain
the more dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, endorphins
it'll take to get you up
mania, my friend, mania
I started low today.
death at the door
But I'm fighting
coming back up
"It was only a game and nothing more"
The deeper the depressions
the heavier the hurt
the more intense the pain
the more dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, endorphins
it'll take to get you up
mania, my friend, mania
I started low today.
death at the door
But I'm fighting
coming back up
"It was only a game and nothing more"
Friday, February 8, 2019
go
I do not wish to prove how broken I am.
I wish to be resilient
I want to be strong and brave
I want to overcome the odds of my injuries and upbringing
so off I go to conquer a new day
small victories
and you never know what can happen when you try
so it's time to apply
if nothing else I'll gain a thicker skin
so even if I loose, I win
I wish to be resilient
I want to be strong and brave
I want to overcome the odds of my injuries and upbringing
so off I go to conquer a new day
small victories
and you never know what can happen when you try
so it's time to apply
if nothing else I'll gain a thicker skin
so even if I loose, I win
Wednesday, February 6, 2019
hello darkness my old friend, I've come to talk with you again
This morning I am shaky.
My hands are shaking and I am not entirely sure why.
I feel a little amped up.
Anxious?
Yes, anxious
sometimes it takes too much to regulate that stuff
even when my brain is okay and thinking straight I still get this cortisol feeling in my heart and shaky in my hands
my left is especially bad today.
I requested a resolution yesterday.
I stood up for myself
and that makes me anxious
I am trying to do what I need to to care of myself and stand up for myself, also acknowledging that I am likely not the only one who has been hurt by policies or practices.
That gives me more courage, knowing that I am standing up for others as well
but it makes me nervous.
I don't like how my emotions can be so time consuming to regulate.
I liked very much the progress I was making and I like very much the progress I have made
but this is a new adventure I am on so it is causing new sensations.
So much more at peace, rational, stable
but still I know some of these symptoms all to well and they aught not be ignored.
So follow up appointment with doctor I saw before Italy when my heart and body was wearing down from 3 weeks of very little sleep and far too many chemicals surging through my system. (all from my body, I am not a substance user, I dislike even taking what is prescribed)
My hands are shaking and I am not entirely sure why.
I feel a little amped up.
Anxious?
Yes, anxious
sometimes it takes too much to regulate that stuff
even when my brain is okay and thinking straight I still get this cortisol feeling in my heart and shaky in my hands
my left is especially bad today.
I requested a resolution yesterday.
I stood up for myself
and that makes me anxious
I am trying to do what I need to to care of myself and stand up for myself, also acknowledging that I am likely not the only one who has been hurt by policies or practices.
That gives me more courage, knowing that I am standing up for others as well
but it makes me nervous.
I don't like how my emotions can be so time consuming to regulate.
I liked very much the progress I was making and I like very much the progress I have made
but this is a new adventure I am on so it is causing new sensations.
So much more at peace, rational, stable
but still I know some of these symptoms all to well and they aught not be ignored.
So follow up appointment with doctor I saw before Italy when my heart and body was wearing down from 3 weeks of very little sleep and far too many chemicals surging through my system. (all from my body, I am not a substance user, I dislike even taking what is prescribed)
Tuesday, February 5, 2019
Mania
I was able to talk to my brother-in-law (I have mentioned him before, and he has written some books on bipolar) about mania.
It was really nice being able to talk to him about it. I talked with him actually while I was still a bit manic (or maybe still very manic, but I manage well) and he was alarmed then. "That sounds like mania" he said with intense concern in his eyes.
"Oh I know" I said. But I had it figured out already.
That is one of the funniest ironies of mania. How well you can have it figured out and know you are in complete control. Hell, you are in like super-human strength control.
And maybe, just maybe it might still be considered hypo-mania because I was able to manage without damage...
Okay, without too much damage.
Mostly I was pretty freaking awesome and powerful and while I was experiencing every single sensation of every single moment magnified by 1000 I was still aware of my surroundings and other people. I did not have hallucinations that were entirely fictitious although the signs, symbols and maybe a couple of lizards may not have been as real as I thought they were. Also my feelings...
Those may not have been as real as I thought either.
Which may have been a bit problematic. Plus then I communicate from a higher plane too... and that can/may have been a bit of a problem.
But I am good. I have gotten real good at self-regulation. I have gotten good at seeming perfectly sane. It's yet another hilarious irony, because I am, probably more so than most sane people now because I am self-aware and I know when my thoughts and emotions are becoming irrational...
Maybe I wasn't quite as on top of it as I thought but overall I did a good job navigating my crazy as I chose to embrace and enjoy it instead of fighting it.
But oh mania
If that is what drugs are like... I can see how they become a problem for people. But I have to admit I think an artificial attempt at that would be really stupid and I would not at all trust the other side. And I doubt it can even come close anyway. But the fun of it is so fun. Your senses and sensations are so heightened. You can feel happiness surging through your whole body. Every thing is beautiful and wonderful and perfectly aligned, until it is not, then it is the depths of hell. ...but if you decide to be empowered by your brokenness and choose to hold on to that euphoric place you can turn the depths of hell into a cosmic amusement park and keep euphoria going as your superpowers give you the strength to turn the world up-side-down.
And you are so productive. Extra energy and stamina. Very little sleep is needed as you have far too much to do.
This mania was the highest I have experienced. But also the most painful. Probably why it took me so high, I needed to survive after all. But when it starts to fade, when the threat starts to fade.
Oh it is boring. Even a 2nd grade classroom is boring and meaningless. I was able to tap into it the dopamine cycle some and perpetuate them to some extent for a few months but alas all good things must come to an end.
It is a bit sad to loose those feelings. Honestly I'd love to live the rest of my life there. But probably my life would not be very long there. The cortisol that came with it was wearing on my heart and no sleep was wearing on my body. A sinus infection aligned with my final manic meeting.
Talking to my brother-in-law was kind of fun, because he really gets it. It is a struggle for him to take medication that makes him feel so low, slow and dumbed down. But with out it he does not have the regulation abilities I have. He broke too big too young. I do wonder if I will be able to manage as well now but I think I am still doing okay. I am medicated for depression and anxiety, that probably helps. But as I look back I am so glad that I am not experiencing as much of that as I used to. I am glad that I stay out of the heaven and hell cycle that used to be such normal part of my life. I am glad that I could manage and mostly knew what to do through this biggest and longest manic episode.
But I tell you what, it's not easy and other people truly don't understand. Yet they are needed to help keep one in check. Part of how I set up my boundaries is by saying "hey, I am irrational right now, you might need to take care of this for me." But they do not understand and to them crazy is "bad."
We talked about that self-regulation and my brother-in-law asked me why it was that I didn't want to pursue the psychiatrist or a medication change. He wondered what that meant to me. It is hard to explain. I have played the medication game before and it can be hard. The side-effects can really suck and I don't want to be dependent, I don't want someone else making the decisions for me, and I don't know that I really need it.
He helped me realize that I felt I would be taking medication for other people's sake, not for mine. I can handle myself and I can manage, but other people don't really know how to handle me and that hurts.
It is something to consider. I do not think taking medication for the sake of others and your family members is a bad thing but if those closest to you are not worried about it and not bugging you to get on something then it is probably okay. It is not always easy to know when medication is needed for you or for others.
I am back and forth on it a bit currently but I mostly feel fine and getting better so I don't really want to mess with that... However I am open to suggestions so if you know me personally you are welcome to weigh in.
It was really nice being able to talk to him about it. I talked with him actually while I was still a bit manic (or maybe still very manic, but I manage well) and he was alarmed then. "That sounds like mania" he said with intense concern in his eyes.
"Oh I know" I said. But I had it figured out already.
That is one of the funniest ironies of mania. How well you can have it figured out and know you are in complete control. Hell, you are in like super-human strength control.
And maybe, just maybe it might still be considered hypo-mania because I was able to manage without damage...
Okay, without too much damage.
Mostly I was pretty freaking awesome and powerful and while I was experiencing every single sensation of every single moment magnified by 1000 I was still aware of my surroundings and other people. I did not have hallucinations that were entirely fictitious although the signs, symbols and maybe a couple of lizards may not have been as real as I thought they were. Also my feelings...
Those may not have been as real as I thought either.
Which may have been a bit problematic. Plus then I communicate from a higher plane too... and that can/may have been a bit of a problem.
But I am good. I have gotten real good at self-regulation. I have gotten good at seeming perfectly sane. It's yet another hilarious irony, because I am, probably more so than most sane people now because I am self-aware and I know when my thoughts and emotions are becoming irrational...
Maybe I wasn't quite as on top of it as I thought but overall I did a good job navigating my crazy as I chose to embrace and enjoy it instead of fighting it.
But oh mania
If that is what drugs are like... I can see how they become a problem for people. But I have to admit I think an artificial attempt at that would be really stupid and I would not at all trust the other side. And I doubt it can even come close anyway. But the fun of it is so fun. Your senses and sensations are so heightened. You can feel happiness surging through your whole body. Every thing is beautiful and wonderful and perfectly aligned, until it is not, then it is the depths of hell. ...but if you decide to be empowered by your brokenness and choose to hold on to that euphoric place you can turn the depths of hell into a cosmic amusement park and keep euphoria going as your superpowers give you the strength to turn the world up-side-down.
And you are so productive. Extra energy and stamina. Very little sleep is needed as you have far too much to do.
This mania was the highest I have experienced. But also the most painful. Probably why it took me so high, I needed to survive after all. But when it starts to fade, when the threat starts to fade.
Oh it is boring. Even a 2nd grade classroom is boring and meaningless. I was able to tap into it the dopamine cycle some and perpetuate them to some extent for a few months but alas all good things must come to an end.
It is a bit sad to loose those feelings. Honestly I'd love to live the rest of my life there. But probably my life would not be very long there. The cortisol that came with it was wearing on my heart and no sleep was wearing on my body. A sinus infection aligned with my final manic meeting.
Talking to my brother-in-law was kind of fun, because he really gets it. It is a struggle for him to take medication that makes him feel so low, slow and dumbed down. But with out it he does not have the regulation abilities I have. He broke too big too young. I do wonder if I will be able to manage as well now but I think I am still doing okay. I am medicated for depression and anxiety, that probably helps. But as I look back I am so glad that I am not experiencing as much of that as I used to. I am glad that I stay out of the heaven and hell cycle that used to be such normal part of my life. I am glad that I could manage and mostly knew what to do through this biggest and longest manic episode.
But I tell you what, it's not easy and other people truly don't understand. Yet they are needed to help keep one in check. Part of how I set up my boundaries is by saying "hey, I am irrational right now, you might need to take care of this for me." But they do not understand and to them crazy is "bad."
We talked about that self-regulation and my brother-in-law asked me why it was that I didn't want to pursue the psychiatrist or a medication change. He wondered what that meant to me. It is hard to explain. I have played the medication game before and it can be hard. The side-effects can really suck and I don't want to be dependent, I don't want someone else making the decisions for me, and I don't know that I really need it.
He helped me realize that I felt I would be taking medication for other people's sake, not for mine. I can handle myself and I can manage, but other people don't really know how to handle me and that hurts.
It is something to consider. I do not think taking medication for the sake of others and your family members is a bad thing but if those closest to you are not worried about it and not bugging you to get on something then it is probably okay. It is not always easy to know when medication is needed for you or for others.
I am back and forth on it a bit currently but I mostly feel fine and getting better so I don't really want to mess with that... However I am open to suggestions so if you know me personally you are welcome to weigh in.
feeling sorry for yourself
"Stop feeling sorry for yourself"
is what my dad would say.
I am hearing that in my head this morning as I am waking up for the third time.
those 5 words
he said too much and not enough
I was not allowed to feel my pain.
My pain didn't count
and I was not allowed to speak up for myself if I was hurting.
I am a broken person
in so many ways and for so many reasons
And while I don't want to "feel sorry for myself"
I know that this is not appropriate language and caused far more harm than healing
so I'll try to address that now too.
"I'm not feeling sorry for myself" I would try to say but it was not heard and I always had to consider that maybe I was.
I took it to heart... I do that
One thing I know,
I don't say this to my own kids
I won't use that as a solution with other people
there must be more to my pain then my dad understood
my pain was valid
and still is
at least to me
...so, I guess I keep trying.
I did read a very helpful article by a lady who had felt betrayed
https://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/05/betrayed/
It really resonated and I think it is nice that she pointed out that it takes time.
I also really like how she signed her article:
"with peace, love, and waving no white flag (because I am a fighter)"
is what my dad would say.
I am hearing that in my head this morning as I am waking up for the third time.
those 5 words
he said too much and not enough
I was not allowed to feel my pain.
My pain didn't count
and I was not allowed to speak up for myself if I was hurting.
I am a broken person
in so many ways and for so many reasons
And while I don't want to "feel sorry for myself"
I know that this is not appropriate language and caused far more harm than healing
so I'll try to address that now too.
"I'm not feeling sorry for myself" I would try to say but it was not heard and I always had to consider that maybe I was.
I took it to heart... I do that
One thing I know,
I don't say this to my own kids
I won't use that as a solution with other people
there must be more to my pain then my dad understood
my pain was valid
and still is
at least to me
...so, I guess I keep trying.
I did read a very helpful article by a lady who had felt betrayed
https://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/05/betrayed/
It really resonated and I think it is nice that she pointed out that it takes time.
I also really like how she signed her article:
"with peace, love, and waving no white flag (because I am a fighter)"
Monday, February 4, 2019
What breaks me the most
What breaks me the most is that I can't even work it out with a neuropsychologist. That I am so terrible at communicating or so good at making a mess of things that I can't even work it out with a therapist... and a really good one... who was helping me so very much.
I went manic. I did that "wrong." I did not mean to. But I did. I was honest while I was manic. That was probably a bad idea. But I know I was not the only one to make mistakes. However, there is no compromise. I am not worth it to them.
I don't get the chance to understand what happened and why because I am not worth their time.
As much as I think I am okay and can become that version of me he was helping me to build I am absolutely defeated and anxious when I try to revisit my resume and hopes of doing more.
I got an email from a nonprofit organization. It is my dream job... I think I could do it but I just can't seem to sell myself because deep down inside I know I haven't got a shot.
and can I take the rejection if I do try?
...I can't even work things out with a therapist.
and that hurts so much
I suppose I need to take much smaller steps.
I suppose I need to start much smaller.
I am not sure where that is or what that looks like
but the stars...
the stars will burn me up if I shoot for those
...that much has been proven
this is the reality.
I wish it wasn't and I am fighting to overcome
but it is the reality
I went manic. I did that "wrong." I did not mean to. But I did. I was honest while I was manic. That was probably a bad idea. But I know I was not the only one to make mistakes. However, there is no compromise. I am not worth it to them.
I don't get the chance to understand what happened and why because I am not worth their time.
As much as I think I am okay and can become that version of me he was helping me to build I am absolutely defeated and anxious when I try to revisit my resume and hopes of doing more.
I got an email from a nonprofit organization. It is my dream job... I think I could do it but I just can't seem to sell myself because deep down inside I know I haven't got a shot.
and can I take the rejection if I do try?
...I can't even work things out with a therapist.
and that hurts so much
I suppose I need to take much smaller steps.
I suppose I need to start much smaller.
I am not sure where that is or what that looks like
but the stars...
the stars will burn me up if I shoot for those
...that much has been proven
this is the reality.
I wish it wasn't and I am fighting to overcome
but it is the reality
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