"Stop feeling sorry for yourself"
is what my dad would say.
I am hearing that in my head this morning as I am waking up for the third time.
those 5 words
he said too much and not enough
I was not allowed to feel my pain.
My pain didn't count
and I was not allowed to speak up for myself if I was hurting.
I am a broken person
in so many ways and for so many reasons
And while I don't want to "feel sorry for myself"
I know that this is not appropriate language and caused far more harm than healing
so I'll try to address that now too.
"I'm not feeling sorry for myself" I would try to say but it was not heard and I always had to consider that maybe I was.
I took it to heart... I do that
One thing I know,
I don't say this to my own kids
I won't use that as a solution with other people
there must be more to my pain then my dad understood
my pain was valid
and still is
at least to me
...so, I guess I keep trying.
I did read a very helpful article by a lady who had felt betrayed
https://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/05/betrayed/
It really resonated and I think it is nice that she pointed out that it takes time.
I also really like how she signed her article:
"with peace, love, and waving no white flag (because I am a fighter)"
Tuesday, February 5, 2019
Monday, February 4, 2019
What breaks me the most
What breaks me the most is that I can't even work it out with a neuropsychologist. That I am so terrible at communicating or so good at making a mess of things that I can't even work it out with a therapist... and a really good one... who was helping me so very much.
I went manic. I did that "wrong." I did not mean to. But I did. I was honest while I was manic. That was probably a bad idea. But I know I was not the only one to make mistakes. However, there is no compromise. I am not worth it to them.
I don't get the chance to understand what happened and why because I am not worth their time.
As much as I think I am okay and can become that version of me he was helping me to build I am absolutely defeated and anxious when I try to revisit my resume and hopes of doing more.
I got an email from a nonprofit organization. It is my dream job... I think I could do it but I just can't seem to sell myself because deep down inside I know I haven't got a shot.
and can I take the rejection if I do try?
...I can't even work things out with a therapist.
and that hurts so much
I suppose I need to take much smaller steps.
I suppose I need to start much smaller.
I am not sure where that is or what that looks like
but the stars...
the stars will burn me up if I shoot for those
...that much has been proven
this is the reality.
I wish it wasn't and I am fighting to overcome
but it is the reality
I went manic. I did that "wrong." I did not mean to. But I did. I was honest while I was manic. That was probably a bad idea. But I know I was not the only one to make mistakes. However, there is no compromise. I am not worth it to them.
I don't get the chance to understand what happened and why because I am not worth their time.
As much as I think I am okay and can become that version of me he was helping me to build I am absolutely defeated and anxious when I try to revisit my resume and hopes of doing more.
I got an email from a nonprofit organization. It is my dream job... I think I could do it but I just can't seem to sell myself because deep down inside I know I haven't got a shot.
and can I take the rejection if I do try?
...I can't even work things out with a therapist.
and that hurts so much
I suppose I need to take much smaller steps.
I suppose I need to start much smaller.
I am not sure where that is or what that looks like
but the stars...
the stars will burn me up if I shoot for those
...that much has been proven
this is the reality.
I wish it wasn't and I am fighting to overcome
but it is the reality
Work it out or write me off
One of the hardest parts of recovering from a head injury is dealing with "irrational" emotions.
But irrational emotions are not an exclusive problem to head injuries.
Irrational emotions are also a problem when we are going through stressful life events.
Irrational emotions can be part attributed to puberty also.
They are a part of our basic human nature.
Sometimes our primal instincts are irrational.
Whether they are actually nature or nurture many of our "instinctive" reactions are irrational, like in snowboarding, if you understand the physics of it you know that you have to overcome the instinctive fear that causes leaning back and lean forward with the snowboard in order to have and stay in control.
But with head injury, emotional regulation becomes difficult and changed personalities are a common "problem" associated with head injuries.
I was 12 when my brain was damaged. 12; the middle of seventh grade, the beginning of all those exciting changes that throw your emotions all over the place anyway.
Anger.
That is the worst of the new and intense emotions in my opinion. That was the worst one to deal with and regulate as it could take over so quickly and cause harm so quickly.
My parents had their own difficult to extremely difficult issue's so anger was no stranger to our home.
I hated anger. I still do.
As a little little I was not an angry child. I was empathetic, shy but fun, and pretty laid back. I remember going through some elementary experiences that may have made me "mad" in some way, but I don't remember being "mad" about them. I would stand up for people or myself but I was never angry.
At least not like what I would experience later.
Immediately after my youthful head injury I don't remember anger then either. I was too tired to feel much of anything. But as my tired fog lifted new personality traits seemed to come out of the woodworks and there were times when I was very angry. Intensely angry. Instantly angry. Stewing plotting angry. Many forms of angry. It is a good thing I was surrounded by so many good people and it is a good thing I was really an empath. But you better believe being an empath with so much anger was a very difficult form to live in.
Other emotions and emotional reactions could be irrational also. But that anger, that most likely stemmed from head injury, and was an alien to my core may now prove to be my redeeming grace. Because some of these emotions caused me so much discomfort I was determined to figure them out and learn to control/manage them. I have worked long and hard for many years learning to self-regulate. I know that at times we can not trust ourselves because of our emotions and how they are effecting our thinking. I have learned to recognize so many symptoms that I can vocalize and tell people when I am irrational and my thoughts may not be so trust worthy.
I believe that many people reach some level of this as they learn to say "no, I am sorry that is too much for me right now." and that is a good thing.
However, while many people identify this in themselves, few are comfortable with being honest about it. I often have felt being honest is the best way and maybe I took the example of the man who was hearing bad Jesus to heart a bit too much ...I do have a tendency to do that, I'll take you to heart so unless you want to be trusted, appreciated and loved you probably better not try to help me...
But that is not what is usually understood.
Often in life we are so much more lemming-like than we ever care to realize as we follow all the rules, cliches, stereotypes and trends in thinking if a person admits they have had issues with other people we will hold it against them. We will be guarded and say "well this problem or thing that is making me uncomfortable must be them because they have struggled with others too." It is so much easier to write someone off and stay guarded in ourselves than to work things out and try to truly understand each other. At other times we do not want to face our own insecurities or maybe we made a mistake we don't want to face so instead of examining for ourselves we easily blame the obvious problem and let the more honest one take the fall for all.
It is an easy trap to fall into. I have myself plenty.
But I am also so keenly aware of our dual natures that it is both a strength and a weakness to me and I often make the "mistake" of trusting others to see what I so easily see but instead they will blame me.
So I have struggled some lately in knowing who I can trust, and who I should trust. The people who were supposed to help me decided that I am to blame for whatever went awry. Well they are right, if it is me that is the problem than I am to blame, but if that is why I went to them and their job was to help me fix the problem then... Obviously the agreement was to help me fix me, so blaming me for trusting them when it was their "professional" fires that burned me down or up just doesn't make sense. I don't understand their games, I don't know their rules, I have tried to learn them and I have tried to be honest about what I don't know and when I know I am in an irrational place and I was trusting them to be the professionals.. But somehow, I keep messing things up...?
Who do I trust? Can I ever really trust anyone after this?
Yes, I can trust myself. I know this because I am so keenly aware of when I cannot entirely trust myself and/or my emotions and I will ask for help. I wonder if they know how easily we can turn what we fear into the very thing that we fear when we are too heavily focused on our fear..
One of my realizations in reprocessing (and I have realized this before) is that I take way more responsibility and blame myself for way too much at times. I am the perfect scapegoat because I make myself one.
In these defining moments of my life, will I continue to be that or do I stand up for myself even if it makes people uncomfortable?
...and how far do I take that?
I'd rather be forgiving and work things out. I'd rather be forgiven and understood.
This writing did not go the way I thought. I am struggling to get my thoughts out the way I am thinking them so I hope it makes sense... but maybe that is okay, maybe this is for someone else or maybe it is for me to look at later, but it feels important so I will leave it.
But irrational emotions are not an exclusive problem to head injuries.
Irrational emotions are also a problem when we are going through stressful life events.
Irrational emotions can be part attributed to puberty also.
They are a part of our basic human nature.
Sometimes our primal instincts are irrational.
Whether they are actually nature or nurture many of our "instinctive" reactions are irrational, like in snowboarding, if you understand the physics of it you know that you have to overcome the instinctive fear that causes leaning back and lean forward with the snowboard in order to have and stay in control.
But with head injury, emotional regulation becomes difficult and changed personalities are a common "problem" associated with head injuries.
I was 12 when my brain was damaged. 12; the middle of seventh grade, the beginning of all those exciting changes that throw your emotions all over the place anyway.
Anger.
That is the worst of the new and intense emotions in my opinion. That was the worst one to deal with and regulate as it could take over so quickly and cause harm so quickly.
My parents had their own difficult to extremely difficult issue's so anger was no stranger to our home.
I hated anger. I still do.
As a little little I was not an angry child. I was empathetic, shy but fun, and pretty laid back. I remember going through some elementary experiences that may have made me "mad" in some way, but I don't remember being "mad" about them. I would stand up for people or myself but I was never angry.
At least not like what I would experience later.
Immediately after my youthful head injury I don't remember anger then either. I was too tired to feel much of anything. But as my tired fog lifted new personality traits seemed to come out of the woodworks and there were times when I was very angry. Intensely angry. Instantly angry. Stewing plotting angry. Many forms of angry. It is a good thing I was surrounded by so many good people and it is a good thing I was really an empath. But you better believe being an empath with so much anger was a very difficult form to live in.
Other emotions and emotional reactions could be irrational also. But that anger, that most likely stemmed from head injury, and was an alien to my core may now prove to be my redeeming grace. Because some of these emotions caused me so much discomfort I was determined to figure them out and learn to control/manage them. I have worked long and hard for many years learning to self-regulate. I know that at times we can not trust ourselves because of our emotions and how they are effecting our thinking. I have learned to recognize so many symptoms that I can vocalize and tell people when I am irrational and my thoughts may not be so trust worthy.
I believe that many people reach some level of this as they learn to say "no, I am sorry that is too much for me right now." and that is a good thing.
However, while many people identify this in themselves, few are comfortable with being honest about it. I often have felt being honest is the best way and maybe I took the example of the man who was hearing bad Jesus to heart a bit too much ...I do have a tendency to do that, I'll take you to heart so unless you want to be trusted, appreciated and loved you probably better not try to help me...
But that is not what is usually understood.
Often in life we are so much more lemming-like than we ever care to realize as we follow all the rules, cliches, stereotypes and trends in thinking if a person admits they have had issues with other people we will hold it against them. We will be guarded and say "well this problem or thing that is making me uncomfortable must be them because they have struggled with others too." It is so much easier to write someone off and stay guarded in ourselves than to work things out and try to truly understand each other. At other times we do not want to face our own insecurities or maybe we made a mistake we don't want to face so instead of examining for ourselves we easily blame the obvious problem and let the more honest one take the fall for all.
It is an easy trap to fall into. I have myself plenty.
But I am also so keenly aware of our dual natures that it is both a strength and a weakness to me and I often make the "mistake" of trusting others to see what I so easily see but instead they will blame me.
So I have struggled some lately in knowing who I can trust, and who I should trust. The people who were supposed to help me decided that I am to blame for whatever went awry. Well they are right, if it is me that is the problem than I am to blame, but if that is why I went to them and their job was to help me fix the problem then... Obviously the agreement was to help me fix me, so blaming me for trusting them when it was their "professional" fires that burned me down or up just doesn't make sense. I don't understand their games, I don't know their rules, I have tried to learn them and I have tried to be honest about what I don't know and when I know I am in an irrational place and I was trusting them to be the professionals.. But somehow, I keep messing things up...?
Who do I trust? Can I ever really trust anyone after this?
Yes, I can trust myself. I know this because I am so keenly aware of when I cannot entirely trust myself and/or my emotions and I will ask for help. I wonder if they know how easily we can turn what we fear into the very thing that we fear when we are too heavily focused on our fear..
One of my realizations in reprocessing (and I have realized this before) is that I take way more responsibility and blame myself for way too much at times. I am the perfect scapegoat because I make myself one.
In these defining moments of my life, will I continue to be that or do I stand up for myself even if it makes people uncomfortable?
...and how far do I take that?
I'd rather be forgiving and work things out. I'd rather be forgiven and understood.
This writing did not go the way I thought. I am struggling to get my thoughts out the way I am thinking them so I hope it makes sense... but maybe that is okay, maybe this is for someone else or maybe it is for me to look at later, but it feels important so I will leave it.
Saturday, February 2, 2019
Best Regards
So I have had some very interesting conversations these past few months and plenty these past few days.
I have been very open and honest about who I am and how I am doing. I have asked for opinions and advice, I have shared probably way more than I "should" with way too many people. But truth is, I don't actually feel that way. I am okay with what I have shared and when I have shared it because I understand why. Maybe the other person or people do not and they have not appreciated it (I have not felt that often, but have felt it) and that is okay too. I don't think they need to appreciate it. I do hope to respect peoples boundaries though.
That is a hard thing.
To be clear about our boundaries.
I think my boundaries are not always clear to people because they are very different. I am very comfortable outside of the box and I have found that life is more satisfying and interesting when I step outside my comfort zones so I have come to live there a bit more than many people are comfortable with. However this does not mean that I do not have boundaries or that I do not know my own boundaries, in fact I think the opposite is true. Like a rancher would needs to test his fence to be sure his boundaries are secure, my testing of my boundaries helps me know my boundaries and keep me safely in them.
Going back to sharing too much- I hope that people will realize that some of their doubts and or insecurities with me may be more reflective of their own doubts and insecurities than actual problems with me. I am not you nor you I and I can never truly understand the world or your perceptions from your perspective just as you cannot from mine. And that is what makes communication so difficult.
Communication really is manipulation.
Humans are manipulation.
We are constantly manipulating. Everything around us, everything that we are, it is all manipulated ...by so many forces.
So why would I be upset about being manipulated? It's a judgement thing. Is it a "good" manipulation or is it a "bad" manipulation?
boundaries, manipulation, interpretation... Life
Life it is an adventure and I want to enjoy the adventure everyday. I do most days and even on days that I don't I still do.
But our adventures are not alone. We are all in this together. which is why I have been okay with so liberally sharing who I really am whatever that may look like in the moment and I have been so glad for people sharing who they are and their moments with me. Things may not always work out as planned and that is okay. I am not really minding because I am learning to be okay with me and I am okay with things being what they are when they are.
This post is proving to be... disjointed feeling? and definitely different. I wonder how easy or difficult this free flow style may be to follow?
But staying true to letting things be what they are when they are I'll keep this and add
my disclaimer.
The disclaimer I have shared with people I have told about my blog: This blog is a therapeutic and artistic outlet I am utilizing to help me process my thoughts, feelings, emotions and circumstances. It is not, however, reflective of me as a whole and individual entries are reflective of where I was in that moment and may or may not be reflective of how I am currently or permanently feeling or thinking.
I am glad that I have learned and grown as much as I have over the years. I am glad for my self-awareness, I mostly love my crazy little world, and I am eternally grateful for the new me... Which brings me to a very important point: Forgiveness. I can easily look back and see how damaging and careless mistakes were made. I have documented enough and am intelligent enough to see, looking back, that it is possible there was/is a darker side to my ex-therapist and I could easily paint the picture of a diabolical scheme. But as I have been navigating and working through the new and buried, crazy and unstable territories of my broken brain I know that my ex-therapist has helped me immensely despite his shortcoming and mistakes. He is a talented and brilliant neuropsychologist and I really admire him. Yes, he hurt me deeply, and his defensive actions almost destroyed me... but only as much as his faith and confidence in me built me up.
I remember having a distinct impression of Yin and Yang while fighting so hard for a compromise with him. There was no compromise. He and his staff had decided how it would be with me and that I was no longer allowed to meet with him when I so desperately needed his followthrough. But I also know that even if their reasons were wrong and they caused harm that I still have the power to restore the balance, at least for me. I cannot simply forget and walk away but I can forgive. I can recognize both the "good" and the "bad" for me and see that all the colors in addition to those two black and white judgements has been a really interesting, educational and a worthwhile life changing adventure. I will be okay. I will be better than okay. and I am glad to have that be a part of me.
So in a more straightforward nutshell I feel I am coming to terms and I feel I am making my peace with things and though I may be a pain in the ass at times I am okay with who I am and who I have been and I do not feel malice toward or wish to harm the man or the business that I know is so desperately needed. Though I do hope they will also learn from the mistakes they made with me because, honestly, ex-therapist is good at what he does and what he knows, but so am I.
I am the other side of their profession and I have been working in it since I was 12.
I have been very open and honest about who I am and how I am doing. I have asked for opinions and advice, I have shared probably way more than I "should" with way too many people. But truth is, I don't actually feel that way. I am okay with what I have shared and when I have shared it because I understand why. Maybe the other person or people do not and they have not appreciated it (I have not felt that often, but have felt it) and that is okay too. I don't think they need to appreciate it. I do hope to respect peoples boundaries though.
That is a hard thing.
To be clear about our boundaries.
I think my boundaries are not always clear to people because they are very different. I am very comfortable outside of the box and I have found that life is more satisfying and interesting when I step outside my comfort zones so I have come to live there a bit more than many people are comfortable with. However this does not mean that I do not have boundaries or that I do not know my own boundaries, in fact I think the opposite is true. Like a rancher would needs to test his fence to be sure his boundaries are secure, my testing of my boundaries helps me know my boundaries and keep me safely in them.
Going back to sharing too much- I hope that people will realize that some of their doubts and or insecurities with me may be more reflective of their own doubts and insecurities than actual problems with me. I am not you nor you I and I can never truly understand the world or your perceptions from your perspective just as you cannot from mine. And that is what makes communication so difficult.
Communication really is manipulation.
Humans are manipulation.
We are constantly manipulating. Everything around us, everything that we are, it is all manipulated ...by so many forces.
So why would I be upset about being manipulated? It's a judgement thing. Is it a "good" manipulation or is it a "bad" manipulation?
boundaries, manipulation, interpretation... Life
Life it is an adventure and I want to enjoy the adventure everyday. I do most days and even on days that I don't I still do.
But our adventures are not alone. We are all in this together. which is why I have been okay with so liberally sharing who I really am whatever that may look like in the moment and I have been so glad for people sharing who they are and their moments with me. Things may not always work out as planned and that is okay. I am not really minding because I am learning to be okay with me and I am okay with things being what they are when they are.
This post is proving to be... disjointed feeling? and definitely different. I wonder how easy or difficult this free flow style may be to follow?
But staying true to letting things be what they are when they are I'll keep this and add
my disclaimer.
The disclaimer I have shared with people I have told about my blog: This blog is a therapeutic and artistic outlet I am utilizing to help me process my thoughts, feelings, emotions and circumstances. It is not, however, reflective of me as a whole and individual entries are reflective of where I was in that moment and may or may not be reflective of how I am currently or permanently feeling or thinking.
I am glad that I have learned and grown as much as I have over the years. I am glad for my self-awareness, I mostly love my crazy little world, and I am eternally grateful for the new me... Which brings me to a very important point: Forgiveness. I can easily look back and see how damaging and careless mistakes were made. I have documented enough and am intelligent enough to see, looking back, that it is possible there was/is a darker side to my ex-therapist and I could easily paint the picture of a diabolical scheme. But as I have been navigating and working through the new and buried, crazy and unstable territories of my broken brain I know that my ex-therapist has helped me immensely despite his shortcoming and mistakes. He is a talented and brilliant neuropsychologist and I really admire him. Yes, he hurt me deeply, and his defensive actions almost destroyed me... but only as much as his faith and confidence in me built me up.
I remember having a distinct impression of Yin and Yang while fighting so hard for a compromise with him. There was no compromise. He and his staff had decided how it would be with me and that I was no longer allowed to meet with him when I so desperately needed his followthrough. But I also know that even if their reasons were wrong and they caused harm that I still have the power to restore the balance, at least for me. I cannot simply forget and walk away but I can forgive. I can recognize both the "good" and the "bad" for me and see that all the colors in addition to those two black and white judgements has been a really interesting, educational and a worthwhile life changing adventure. I will be okay. I will be better than okay. and I am glad to have that be a part of me.
So in a more straightforward nutshell I feel I am coming to terms and I feel I am making my peace with things and though I may be a pain in the ass at times I am okay with who I am and who I have been and I do not feel malice toward or wish to harm the man or the business that I know is so desperately needed. Though I do hope they will also learn from the mistakes they made with me because, honestly, ex-therapist is good at what he does and what he knows, but so am I.
I am the other side of their profession and I have been working in it since I was 12.
Thursday, January 31, 2019
Do No Harm aka The Code of Bullshit
Do no harm. But he did. You cannot play with those kinds of emotions and feelings, those powerful of words, in that environment, with a person you know is broken AND manic and then entirely abandon a person and think that you are doing "no harm."
I am calling bullshit.
Policy/administrators people who justify abrupt termination despite a persons dramatically compromised mental state because "we don't really deal with that here" cannot claim that they are following ethical rules to "do no harm" when they are a business of licensed psychologists dealing with broken brains as a profession.
I am calling bullshit.
Lately I am feeling really annoyed with a whole lot of people in the whole industry who just seem to want to cash in on the auto-insurance than to actually help people heal.
I'm calling bullshit on all ya' all
... which may be what was the inspiration behind this answer I gave on Quora.com https://www.quora.com/How-can-I-overcome-a-crippling-phobia-of-being-predictable-obvious-expected-and-average/answer/
But at least, yesterday as I left my meeting with the facility administrator with nothing resolved I was able to walk out holding my head up proud knowing I was really there to try and help me and not to cause harm intentionally or unintentionally because I know their bullshit is just a cover up for their own crazy.
And I'd rather have my crazy :)
I am calling bullshit.
Policy/administrators people who justify abrupt termination despite a persons dramatically compromised mental state because "we don't really deal with that here" cannot claim that they are following ethical rules to "do no harm" when they are a business of licensed psychologists dealing with broken brains as a profession.
I am calling bullshit.
Lately I am feeling really annoyed with a whole lot of people in the whole industry who just seem to want to cash in on the auto-insurance than to actually help people heal.
I'm calling bullshit on all ya' all
... which may be what was the inspiration behind this answer I gave on Quora.com https://www.quora.com/How-can-I-overcome-a-crippling-phobia-of-being-predictable-obvious-expected-and-average/answer/
But at least, yesterday as I left my meeting with the facility administrator with nothing resolved I was able to walk out holding my head up proud knowing I was really there to try and help me and not to cause harm intentionally or unintentionally because I know their bullshit is just a cover up for their own crazy.
And I'd rather have my crazy :)
Monday, January 28, 2019
Destructive Defaults
I am afraid of the silence.
I have tried to write about this and my writings are scrambled and nonsensical. So I will be straight and blunt.
I am afraid of the silence because that is when images of guns releasing the pressure in my head or bottles worth of pills sliding down my throat start to invade. They are not invited quests and I do not entertain them but somehow they are my default again. It has been so many years...
It is different with age and experience. I used to see my self falling and landing into freedom from everything as my body broke apart. Still there is something romantic about that image.
At one point in my life I would find myself fighting sudden urges to self destruct, like the desire to turn my wheel sharply sending my car crashing into the cement barrier while traveling high speeds on the freeway. I am not sure when or why that phase was but I am glad it was not too intense and did not last too terribly long... Oh, yeah I am pretty sure that was the phase when we had no insurance but this symptom was concerning enough I decided to be a lab rat in a depression medication related study. I liked the psychiatrist. He said he would have liked to have been a fly on the wall of my home. I think that would probably be pretty boring, really one would need to be a fly on the wall of my brain. That is where it would be interesting. I'd like to be the fly on the wall of other peoples brains. How fascinating would that be!
Sometimes my husband tries to convince me that most people aren't nearly as... interesting... but I am not convinced.
I digress. which is fine, because that is often how I steer away from that default of destruction.
I don't know why it is.
Why I had a suicidal default.
But I was able to recognize those thoughts as imposters and symptoms. It is a tell tell sing and a symptom of something being terribly off. Maybe it is a way that deep mental and emotional pains manifest themselves? I don't know. I am not sure that I care to know. I have gotten to the bottom of it before and I will again, but some off the pain one has to feel to get out of it is the same pain that gives it power. I am not quite sure I am ready to handle that pain in all of its glory so I am not sure that I want to get to the bottom of it just yet.
I can say that on the day that I thought I was doing well to have let things go and not think or try to solve was the day that those thoughts started gaining momentum fast. It was frustrating and annoying. I had to go to bed to get it to stop.
But I see that I cannot let go just yet. I am not in an entirely safe place yet.
I have tried to write about this and my writings are scrambled and nonsensical. So I will be straight and blunt.
I am afraid of the silence because that is when images of guns releasing the pressure in my head or bottles worth of pills sliding down my throat start to invade. They are not invited quests and I do not entertain them but somehow they are my default again. It has been so many years...
It is different with age and experience. I used to see my self falling and landing into freedom from everything as my body broke apart. Still there is something romantic about that image.
At one point in my life I would find myself fighting sudden urges to self destruct, like the desire to turn my wheel sharply sending my car crashing into the cement barrier while traveling high speeds on the freeway. I am not sure when or why that phase was but I am glad it was not too intense and did not last too terribly long... Oh, yeah I am pretty sure that was the phase when we had no insurance but this symptom was concerning enough I decided to be a lab rat in a depression medication related study. I liked the psychiatrist. He said he would have liked to have been a fly on the wall of my home. I think that would probably be pretty boring, really one would need to be a fly on the wall of my brain. That is where it would be interesting. I'd like to be the fly on the wall of other peoples brains. How fascinating would that be!
Sometimes my husband tries to convince me that most people aren't nearly as... interesting... but I am not convinced.
I digress. which is fine, because that is often how I steer away from that default of destruction.
I don't know why it is.
Why I had a suicidal default.
But I was able to recognize those thoughts as imposters and symptoms. It is a tell tell sing and a symptom of something being terribly off. Maybe it is a way that deep mental and emotional pains manifest themselves? I don't know. I am not sure that I care to know. I have gotten to the bottom of it before and I will again, but some off the pain one has to feel to get out of it is the same pain that gives it power. I am not quite sure I am ready to handle that pain in all of its glory so I am not sure that I want to get to the bottom of it just yet.
I can say that on the day that I thought I was doing well to have let things go and not think or try to solve was the day that those thoughts started gaining momentum fast. It was frustrating and annoying. I had to go to bed to get it to stop.
But I see that I cannot let go just yet. I am not in an entirely safe place yet.
Sunday, January 27, 2019
Church
I have a lot more drafts lately.
That is reflective of the insecurities that come with "sanity"
hah
I like the image of me walking across a no trespassing marked snow-covered field in my skirt and slightly heeled knee-high boots and then walking through the neighborhood with my jacket hanging half-down and my right-foot now calked sideways as I awkwardly limp home better than I like the image of me sitting in church with a constant stream of tears running down my cheeks.
It took a bit of courage to leave, as I knew this would draw some attention, but I could not get the tears to stop, no matter my thoughts of the good people I loved there.
I tried to go to church today to be a supportive member of my family. Maybe I also had some thoughts of returning to "normalcy."
But as I entered the chapel the tears came without my consent. Not even sure why. I did not want to grapple with the why so I tried to just let it be whatever it was, without paying it much mind, but they just came more.
I don't want to be a god.
I don't want to feel like my value only lies in my being a wife and mother.
But those weren't what seemed to be causing these tears.
These good people were reflective of the good people that put me in a sled and bounced me across the snow covered field back to a car parked in the middle of a nice neighborhood, with plenty of nice people, with phones. Then drove me home. They likely did more damage.
These good people are reflective of my parents that had so much going on with our large family and their own personal plights, that wanted to believe in miraculous recoveries so much that head injury was the overlooked element in my own struggles, though they were the units who held all of the power to get me medically guided help me and to help me understand how this may have been a contributing factor to my own struggles.
I see that they didn't understand. That they were both very broken in their own ways. And I have no malice.
But ...this place of worship causes me confusion and pain.
These were not my thoughts there. I was trying to focus on the good there, to live in the moment, to do the things that would stop the tears. but they just kept coming
I feel the need to listen to my body
to my intuition
and to forces outside of myself that are greater than I am
I am trying to find that balance
I am not finding it there (at church)
It is not a safe place for me right now
Maybe I needed that confirmed. I am okay to not go.
The tears stopped and I was able to even laugh about my plight as I walked home, limping on my ankle that was injured in the same car accident that caused the concussion which has brought so much of this past life to light again.
The ankle is getting progressively worse as I try to return more and more to my valued ways of living.
It was an injury that was overlooked due to the more pressing matters of my head. It is now the injury that is holding me back from some of the things I need most; Structure, routine exercise, a regular job, my snowboarding job and even sleep on occasions...
It is holding me back because to be rid of the pain it will require surgery or me settling for a different lifestyle and the irony or paradox of it is, had the injury been addressed initially it very well could have healed with minimal intervention -without surgery.
So many connections
and so many parallels
That is reflective of the insecurities that come with "sanity"
hah
I like the image of me walking across a no trespassing marked snow-covered field in my skirt and slightly heeled knee-high boots and then walking through the neighborhood with my jacket hanging half-down and my right-foot now calked sideways as I awkwardly limp home better than I like the image of me sitting in church with a constant stream of tears running down my cheeks.
It took a bit of courage to leave, as I knew this would draw some attention, but I could not get the tears to stop, no matter my thoughts of the good people I loved there.
I tried to go to church today to be a supportive member of my family. Maybe I also had some thoughts of returning to "normalcy."
But as I entered the chapel the tears came without my consent. Not even sure why. I did not want to grapple with the why so I tried to just let it be whatever it was, without paying it much mind, but they just came more.
I don't want to be a god.
I don't want to feel like my value only lies in my being a wife and mother.
But those weren't what seemed to be causing these tears.
These good people were reflective of the good people that put me in a sled and bounced me across the snow covered field back to a car parked in the middle of a nice neighborhood, with plenty of nice people, with phones. Then drove me home. They likely did more damage.
These good people are reflective of my parents that had so much going on with our large family and their own personal plights, that wanted to believe in miraculous recoveries so much that head injury was the overlooked element in my own struggles, though they were the units who held all of the power to get me medically guided help me and to help me understand how this may have been a contributing factor to my own struggles.
I see that they didn't understand. That they were both very broken in their own ways. And I have no malice.
But ...this place of worship causes me confusion and pain.
I feel the need to listen to my body
to my intuition
and to forces outside of myself that are greater than I am
I am trying to find that balance
I am not finding it there (at church)
It is not a safe place for me right now
Maybe I needed that confirmed. I am okay to not go.
The tears stopped and I was able to even laugh about my plight as I walked home, limping on my ankle that was injured in the same car accident that caused the concussion which has brought so much of this past life to light again.
The ankle is getting progressively worse as I try to return more and more to my valued ways of living.
It was an injury that was overlooked due to the more pressing matters of my head. It is now the injury that is holding me back from some of the things I need most; Structure, routine exercise, a regular job, my snowboarding job and even sleep on occasions...
It is holding me back because to be rid of the pain it will require surgery or me settling for a different lifestyle and the irony or paradox of it is, had the injury been addressed initially it very well could have healed with minimal intervention -without surgery.
So many connections
and so many parallels
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