writing because I'm bored

Nobodies home.
I'm to tired to write and send the emails that I really need to get done. If I try I am likely to make some silly mistakes which are fine here but not there.
So I am lazily watching television
and only feeling a tiny bit not at all guilty about it.
But I must admit I feel a little bored.
Funny thing is awakenings
those happen for me from time to time. And it not really a funny thing at all. Often it is very embarrassing. It confuses me how I got so turned around. And yet it is not confusing at the same time. The boring now is my mind resting. It is resting because it has been so busy trying to get straight again.
Boring can also happen after highs. Highs can be fun but when they are over the world is not so exciting and you kind of wonder what you are supposed to do with yourself now.
I wonder, sometimes how "normal" this is.
So many things are so much more common than we realize... But somehow I am not common. I really do confuse people.
I can tell you why. At least some possible reasons. And I can tell you why I scare people. I scare people because I figure things out. Sometimes before I even know that I have figured anything out at all. That or I have not attached the same meaning and/or judgement and they don't realize that. I also will call it out, but likely again, not with the same meaning and judgement they are expecting so that is confusing and confusing can be scary to people. Also it can be scary if a person knows they are doing something wrong.
Their interpretations and actions associated take me time to figure out and I may not always be right or correct but I am open to explanations and discussion. Problem is often others are not, but if you are doing something wrong I will eventually figure it out.
So this may seem like directionless disjointed ramblings, but it is not.
It is how my brain works at times. It is how I figure things out.
It all started with an injury that left my brain damaged. It left a void in my processing and the bumping, bruising and rattling that triggered firings and misfirings of epic proportions needed to settle and then work themselves out. I have been thinking about brains a lot this last 15 or 16 months because mine was shaken again and it woke up familiar feelings and experiences. I remember being able to actually feel my brain rerouting as a sports medicine concussion doctor asked me questions to test my level of concussion or something like that. I could tell my brain was not taking the same paths or that those paths had been disrupted and yet I knew how to compensate; though it was slower I instinctively knew how to relax and let it work through the process. I felt that with the chiropractor who first realized I had a concussion that needed to be addressed. He had me remember some words that I would not have otherwise remembered except I automatically recognized a pattern that helped them stick. The pattern had to do with the shapes of the letters and how they matched if turned certain ways. The funny thing is prior to the concussion I would not have immediately recognized that pattern. There were other things that I picked up on with heightened senses as well. Almost like super powers. And yet I couldn't remember peoples named or faces and many other annoying things.
I saw an fMRI picture of a brain after concussion and it has stuck in my head. The brains efficiency is less effective as the whole brain is lit up. Normally our brain fires in very specific areas according to the task that is being preformed but the concussion or injured brain (if I am remembering correctly) right after injury is firing all over the place which is part of why it is so tired. But I have this theory  that as the brain fires all over and begins to reroute it becomes aware of those parts that have been forgotten or unused. It learns that there are more places to go and more ways to do things. It realizes it has other resources to access. It has made connections and knows how to make connections that the undamaged brain doesn't even know exists; which is hard for the undamaged brain to understand.
Its boundaries truly are different.
Bipolar- they say
depression
anxiety
these are places the brain can go or can get stuck. Had I not a damaged brain I may have never experienced these places at all, whose to say? (I was 12) but in my damaged brain they are more manageable  because I can reroute. I know how, even when I am not cognizant of it.
That is what happened when I hurt so bad from the feelings of rejection and like I had done something wrong -at the moment my buried self started to reveal itself in what was supposed to be a safe place with a person who I trusted, admired, and cared deeply for. It was an unbearable pain. It was far more than I could handle.
My brain accessed mania. Intense happy and too much dopamine. It was a fun place, but, as this article https://positivepsychologyprogram.com/dark-side-of-happiness-why-too-much-good-thing-is-not-a-good-thing/ points out too much happiness can be... dangerous. And mania can most certainly be dangerous. If for no other reason than your body is going to eventually get sick if you keep running on so little sleep (which it did).
It accessed this place to fight the pain. To hold onto the good. And to get me over a hurdle that would have otherwise destroyed me. My brain has that ability. and not because I am any mental illness label but because it knows how to use those parts and come back from it when it is safe again.
Not without solving. Not without fixing. I am constantly collecting and analyzing, categorizing and sorting information, trying to make sense of where it belongs, if it belongs, and how it belongs. I need to know how and where this information fits so I can figure out how and where I fit.
Fixing has become such an innate part of me that I automatically do it without even trying. I need to fix to survive. I need to fix to find value and meaning to myself. I need to fix to fight depression that comes from many sources.
I need to fix to convince myself I belong in this place that doesn't understand me and very often rejects me in very harsh ways.
So that is my bored explanation of the crazy that embarrasses me from time to time, (though it has been a long time and to date and I do not remember a mania so intense) and the depression and other places I sometimes find myself waking up from.
It sounds much more intense than it usually is but maybe it is much more intense, but it is my normal. That is why very little scares me.
And there are so many stories to tell
but now it is time for sleep
so I can teach life lessons through snowboarding tomorrow. "your intellect has to override your instinct" I tell my students to help them learn how to ride in control by leaning down hill into their turns.

12 again

At age 12 when I returned home form the hospital after the sledding accident that damaged my brain, my parents thought it would be a good idea and good use of my time, since I could not return to school for sometime still (2 weeks or more, I don't remember), to write thank you cards to all the people who had given me gifts while I was in the hospital.
I cried when I remembered this.
I could not even do my homework or remember what the teacher who had come to my house had told me. I remember being back at school later and my mom being angry with the school for my failing grades. I remember the teacher asking me about all the work and assignments she had left with me and had taken the time to explain. I remember her disappointed look as I couldn't really remember it or what she had left me with.
I felt responsible for my moms anger.
I felt responsible for my teachers disappointment and the schools troubles.
I felt bad about the thank you cards I had not written...by myself with no help.
I felt bad for my family since they were the ones who remembered all the traumatic stuff but I got all the gifts.
They were glad that I was fine. That I had "fully" recovered. It was miraculous, I am sure.
But it was not.
I was not okay. I was not healed. My brain and who I was, was not the same and that didn't matter.
I learned that my needs were secondary. That my healing was less important. I learned that I needed to protect others from my injuries.

I vaguely remember the follow up with the neurologist. I vaguely remember him saying something about therapies, I was looking forward to it. But they never happened, because I was "fine."
It has been a cycle that has continued throughout my life. "your needs are more important than mine, so I will be fine for you, try to help and try not to be a burden, then maybe you will value me, maybe then I really will be okay."
It doesn't work.
It has broken me again and again.
It is time to change that I think.
...and yet the place that was supposed to be able to see that, to define it, to help me see it for what it is, made the same decision about me, even when I was trying so hard to explain that I needed their help. I'm that good at playing the part now I suppose. It breaks my heart again and again.
And currently I am tired. I did not leave 20% and this processing that feels important and needed is maybe not going to work as well or read as well as I'd like but I'll leave it, because it is my reality and part of this sometimes very slow process.

Giving up on marriage

It it is strange the places this recent situation has taken me. In my marriage especially. It is peculiar how the therapy that turned so very messy [with the therapist I fell madly in love with either through deep meaningful connection or manipulation] started with a book of Tao. It is especially peculiar because I was certain for a time that the reason for transference and timing definitely had a lot to do with my marriage. It may have.
But as I am very open and honest about how I am feeling and what I am thinking it has led to some incredibly bizarre, never thought possible conversations with my husband and I will tell you what, not many men (or women) would handle some of the things I say so well. But he knew I was hurting and he knew that my head was a mess and likely through no fault of my own. And even crazier the "new me" or rediscovered me was helping to facilitate these hard conversations in an effective way. The me that was uncovered and partially created by the therapist who then just about destroyed me, intentionally or not we may never know.
 But ultimately we both gave up on our marriage and somehow that has helped us get along in a really pleasant and productive way. Somehow we have been able to talk about moving on while savoring what we have and realizing that we can just let it be what is for now and enjoy it for what is. And we have enjoyed it.*  
It seems that letting go of the commitment to our marriage has helped us be more committed to a healthy relationship and each others needs. It has been so helpful and what I have needed through this healing process. I am so glad that I have a good friend in my life who can love me, forgive me, support me, and listen when it is what I really need, even when it is hard to listen to. I often need to talk to help me process and what I need to process in not always so simple, easy to talk about or easy to hear.  He has been helpful in listening to what I need to process or need him to understand. We have not always had that but I am grateful for it now.
It is such a strange world I am living in right now.

*that is an sexual innuendo, I rarely, actually use those or mean those though it has come to my attention that I may make them very unintentionally or naively with out realizing it... until it is too late -sigh. But this one is intentional and about as far as I ever care to discuss this very personal topic on such platforms and most other places too but it does seem like it might be a bit important to this story.

My Beautiful Broken Brain and other such sources of strength

Over the course of a few days I have watched the Netflix documentary "My Beautiful Broken Brain" about a lady named Lotja that had a stroke at age 34 that left her with brain damage. Her story and recovery seem to be much more severe and extreme than what I went through at age 12 but she also received a lot more help in her recovery so it is a very interesting show for me to watch. I am can relate to much of what she says and some of her experiences. It is fascinating to see her blank-not-blank stares and then her intense happy smile and the shine in her eyes that has behind it an interesting new world that is fascinating and easy to get lost in; the world that "brain injury" has opened up. Some people might call it neuroplasticity and others chemical electricity that causes the firing up of cells and/ neurotransmitters. What ever you call it I can see the world she is in and it makes me feel happy that she can see it and appreciate it for the fascinating place it is. It validates me.
She says a few things I'd like to repeat"
"The film is a really, really important part of this story. ...absolutely born off necessity. It's created a way for me to understand something that is extremely complex and it has created a structure. a narrative structure for me to understand my own story."
"reality is only what we believe and perceive to be true. That makes absolute sense to me. And very little does to me these days."
something to the effect of "It takes a very long time for you learn how to live in your new brain" -
At one point she asks David Lynch if he thinks the brain is the engine of the mind or vice versa.

These and other things really resonate with me.
The film being the narrative born of necessity to help her understand and give structure to something that is extremely complex is an excellent description and explanation for my current writing. Writing helps me process and understand. It helps me move forward. Talking also does. It is not all that I do it is just the part of me that is really working to get through somethings that have turned so much more complicated than they needed to. Whether that is entirely my own fault and of my own making or whether I have just landed myself in a series of unfortunate events that have left me at the mercy of others and led me to this very bizarre place I do not know but that is not what matters most right now. What matters most is what I do about it.
I wish for people understand what has made this last year and a few months so complicated. My brain was injured. But is was also scarred. Scarred physically from an injury that would leave permanent damage and scarred in many other ways as well. The whole picture, all variables, needed to be taken into account and I am sad to say that the researcher that claimed this and treated me lost sight of that with me.
It has been extremely difficult to relive events from your youth that were painful. It is hard to be processing as an adult and a child at the same time. It is difficult to know that so much of you had been lost for so many years because you had not received proper care from the first injury. Mood changes, school struggles, friend problems, balance, push crash cycles, language skills, understanding and being able to read social situations and cues, decision making skills, all of those effected my life and slowly transformed me into who I had become prior to the car accident concussion. The car accident itself led to a whole new set of problems that were then overlooked or over treated as my brain was a new mess of processing and reprocessing that was effected by the way it had learned to cope before.
I knew I did not want to take another 20 plus years to "stabilize" and figure out my world. I knew I wasn't terribly happy with the world I had figured out and I wanted help this time. Help that was not exclusively directed by and figures out by me, the untrained professional.
It was not easy to find that help, but I did find it. It was the absolute best help I could find and I was thrilled. I had to drive farther and I knew I may have to pay more, but it was worth it.
But then tragedy struck at the moment I started to break through and really start to recognize and work on the changes and acceptance that needed to happen to help me heal from both injuries I was dropped. Told I no longer needed treatment and abandoned... All because I recognized my own transference and/or I suggested counter transference that was neither confirmed nor denied but sure earned me a scarlet letter real quick. It is so confusing and immensely more painful than imagined. That rejection, that theft of healing is a make or break you moment. There is not a rational and/or predictable reaction to your own grief and trauma and it usually effects us more profoundly in ways that we never could have ever predicted. Traumatic events are like that, they turn you into something you are not and then you have to figure out the new you with the new insights and experiences that will forever change your perceptions and that you cannot return from. This has been traumatic. I have lost my chance at healing all over again. I have lost my youth and my sense of self worth again. This time stolen with my heart and faith in the system that was actually built to help and protect me in my situation. Then to try and separate yourself mentally from the person that has taught you so much and planted in you how to overcome the very trauma he has caused... It is not a simple task. Why is it not more obvious how damaging this is?
It is unjust and unfair and I don't want to fight the industry. I'd rather utilize, appreciate, love and help. ...and ironically that may be the very thing that got me into trouble. It breaks my heart again and again.
But through it I am finding hope and beauty and though I have felt still more rejection I am choosing not to break. I have also learned who some true friends are and where my strengths really lie.
...And I still type and write in hopes that I may help myself and others because this was not deserved and if my story can help relieve the suffering to any degree or can help people see that there are other ways to do things, ways to work together and not against each other, than it is worth it. It is worth the pain and the reprocessing, the uncomfortable situations and even the embarrassment. I will not be shamed and I will not be blamed. I will fight again for me and my brain.

Upcycling

The whole picture. I wrote about how I am cycling and it can be perceived as rumination. I have written about how I get stuck in my head sometimes. I talk about some of the same things and to others that may feel redundant. However, that is not the whole picture. I am not stuck in my head nearly as much as it could be perceived that I am.
I was reading this article this morning and reflected on my recent experiences I realized that this may be the image I am projecting...https://blogs.psychcentral.com/childhood-neglect/2019/01/trapped-in-a-circle-of-your-own-self-doubt-3-steps-out/ 
...and I paused to find and insert this article but got sidetracked by email.
I sent one to that Dr. that, in his carelessness or dabbling of the dark arts, had sent me spiraling into and exiled outer-space. I wanted to give him the chance to fix things before I pursued complaints against what I am now feeling and logically perceiving as "unethical treatment."
He decided I was a threat and liability so he called my treatment done, and because I have been documenting my "crazy," my thoughts and feelings, it can make it easy for him to turn things into just that. Write me off as "our treatment of that issue is done, you are healed of that," thus relieving him and his clinic of their obligations in treating me and making sure he or they had not accidentally or intentionally done harm.
I am at a huge disadvantage because they will definitely be bias toward protecting him. I have already been blamed as I look back frustrated that he wouldn't hear me when I cried and tried and fought desperately for him to understand and continue to provide or help me find the appropriate help.
I have surgery that I am facing that is directly related to the car injury.
I am reliving my trauma from my youth that is directly related to the car accident and head injury from that.
It is strange to be an adult and a child at the same time.
I am cycling through the intensities of the emotions one experiences with that.
The whole picture of me had been lost. I had forgotten and buried so much and when did that happen? Did it happen with the crash? Some of it feels like yes and some of it feels like no.
"So this is all part of the job" I asked Not really given answer, I think he responded with a question. "We have been working to uncover my buried story and now you are just going to take it all back?" I asked when I could finally get into see him after two weeks of ... I won't label...
But when I was just breaking through is precisely when he decided to drop me.
When he decided I was "cured" of needing him and his expertise. I needed to figure out again what I was really capable of occupationally. My relationships were a mess and TBI was a major factor in this. All of this was just coming to light, it had not been addressed.
He did not want to work with me anymore but that does not mean that his skillset was no longer needed. On the contrary his skillset is exactly what was needed. What a curse for him, if it really is true that no-one else in his practice could have taken me and there are no others with similar skillsets he could have referred me to.
This is very frustrating. It is a crazy, terrible and yet beautiful story that I can appreciate for many reasons and for what it is but it is also very frustrating. Other peoples methods of self preservation and justification are very frustrating to me.
so as I stay true to letting things come out and be what they are as I write (on my blog and on my ever increasing report on studying myself) I will let this one stay also.
...I will have to edit later since I need to go now.. But this feels important to me to publish now

Blackbirds

I'd rather work with you than against you. In my quest to heal I need to understand. And you need to understand, I am neither a toy nor a liability.
But I am strong. Since my story has been written it is not so hard to figure out what has happened and to know that you know better. You are tricky and sly and I see that. But you may have gotten caught up a little too much in the label, stigmas, and preconceived notions that your profession claims to be helping. I am so much more than people want to give me credit for. And I believed the lie that I wasn't. I believed the lies that people told me about me because they felt I was a threat to their superiority. I am not a threat, I am friend. I do not believe in the king of the hill I believe in the camaraderie of the game and I believe that there is room on the hill for everyone in the end.
My intention is to help and heal and that is what I will do. If the problem is bigger and runs deeper than this incident and this is truly policy or a regular practice I will do my best to make sure these mistakes are not repeated with others. I know better than to think that I am that special, I am an isolated incident and that somehow my silence will protect others, whether the problem is with you or within the profession; I know better.
Your faith in me may have been a superficial guise but how much faith do you have in yourself and your ability to help people find their buried self and become empowered happier healthier versions of themselves? You are the best. And we both know that.
I'd rather work with you than against you. But, either way, I will work to protect the vulnerable and for the ethics in the profession that have been warped and used against me, the one they are meant to protect. You are not out of my league nor I out of yours.
You are not afraid of me and I expect a call.

Sleep cycles... No, sleep AND cycles

I almost got a good nights sleep last night. Almost. This time it was my shoulder that woke me. I sprained my clavical and some other bone connection in my shoulder the other day teaching snowboarding to the most adventures and daring 4 year old person I have ever met. He was furious with me because I would not take him on the steepest and most difficult runs of our resort. He can neither turn or stop. He was fun to work with, hilarious, and also exhausting, but in an effort to keep him from careening completely out of control and really hurting himself or someone else I took a few falls myself. I am not even sure which fall it was or how one can actually fall in a way that would result in the child's snowboard coming down on ones shoulder or vice verse but I managed it. And now the pain of that wakes me...
Why does sleep evade me in this time of need? What lesson or joke is the universe playing with me?
Oh well. It does make me laugh because the stacking of events that keep me from sleep seems so statistically impossible. But statistics do fail to take into account individuals so there is that.
And my brain just keeps working... Trying to process far too much all at once.
I thought to be done but I think I will defend myself since some people seem to think I should be judged harshly for my reprocessing and/or rumination.
If we look at how people often handle things we will see that many learn very slowly or not at all how to break free of learned and/or natural behaviors that can cause problems for them in the long run. Many people fall into depression and grieve for years, sometimes their lifetime. Obesity is evidence that unhealthy habits are repeated to the detriment of the person. People will excuse and justify their own bad behavior and perpetuate problems often for their entire life.  Most of us take years to acquire knowledge and evolve. I know many people who decide that something is the way it is and will not budge on their belief no matter the evidence even when the belief is causing them harm. It is hard to watch when you care for that person but you eventually learn not to try and explain or help them because they will just fight you on it and your relationship will be damaged. These are very normal and common habits, behaviors and problems.
But those who wish to change, know well the process is slow. It takes time and the process can be very cyclical. In fact the scenario's I described are cyclical. People change and evolve or regress in very cyclical ways. They will cycle through and repeat many of the same things but with small changes each time that eventually turn into the bigger problem or the fix. Understanding and changing can be a slow process. Rarely is it an overnight dramatic change. It may appear that way with some people but even in their cases there was likely some cyclical conditioning prior to the epiphanic change.
So I am cycling. Rapid cycling maybe, but is it "unhealthy" or is that a judgement? Is it unhealthy to let the cycling happen quicker if it wants to? In order to move out of this faster? Often to pack it away is to let it fester. If I try to leave it alone my brain will very naturally slide into its well traveled ruts, thus digging them deeper, and I will be broken again and have to accept that previous beliefs about my worthlessness are in fact confirmed and true. I would rather not. I am already a slow processor and I am "intense" or I feel things intensely. But I am also intelligent, teachable, and tenacious. When I want to learn and I want to change I think it is okay for me to rapid cycle and fight my way out of the condemning situation. And I suppose if I need to, every now and again, I may have to stick up for and defend myself. I may have to fight with others for myself, but I will try to fight fair.
I am cycling, yes. I may or may not get stuck in rumination. But I am cycling up and out and with each rumination I discover something new or find joy in something of value to me so I will excuse myself from anyones cyclical judgements here. Instead I will be happy to share what I have learned through this process and I hope it may help them in the event they choose to drop their judgements and talk with me about it.