The very hungry caterpillar

So I needed to get some medical records to help me pursue the treatments I need with doctors and to get a full picture of this car accident mess. The hospital I had to go to is the new version of the hospital I was treated in and stayed at 28 years ago this month when I had my first TBI. While there I thought to ask about those medical records as well. They likely do not have anything since they only keep them for 7-10 years. However the lady was super nice and said that she would submit it and try to see if anything turned up.
Why do I want these?
I want to know how bad or how minor this the TBI I suffered so long ago really was.
If I have learned one thing this past year it is that acting like someone is okay and believing they are okay does not make them okay. It does not make them better.
It is not bad to believe that someone is okay and/or they will be okay but if it is due to denial or believing that believing will magically change things, then it is not likely to help.
In fact it can cause extended pain and perpetuating problems.
So often people flip, or pendulum swing to the other extreme and they become enablers.
I am not asking for or seeking that.
But balance is somewhere in the middle and too many people seeing my strengths and wanting to believe that I am okay have neglected to fulfill their obligations and that has caused and perpetuated some serious problems for me.
I have choices.
I can be bitter and angry.
I can keep trying to believe that it was not neglect.
I can recognize that neglect happens for reasons that are usually out of the neglected's control and this does not mean that they are not valuable but rather may be reflective of the pain and suffering of the neglector.
I can forgive.
I can forget about it and just keep on trying to pretend that I am just fine and just like everyone else.
I can try to file for disability
I can learn about it from my new place and face it for what it is.
I can seek and continue to seek help
I can try to do it all alone.
I can talk about it
Or I can stay quiet
I have many many choices and I have made many of these before and I make them everyday... Where I end up, I really don't know and I am not so sure I care because I have learned how to enjoy the journey more. So this time around is already much more fun and will be as I try to accept what and who I am.. again... and again.
I have choices and
Fortunately I have this incredible brain. An injured brain with only the medical records of family members and my memories to prove it. I know I had, at very least, a quarter sized bleed that showed up on CT scans. And it was rattled extra as it bounced along unconscious in a sled being pulled to a car to take me home. So there is permanent damage. (And if you think people have negative stigma's about mental health issue's try admitting that you have brain damage.)
But in spite of all of that -and directly because of that- I have this amazing brain that has been solving itself ever since. By creating it's own new pathways initially with little to no professional help it became a ridiculously resourceful analyzer and problem solver. It is capable of taking pathways and making connections that uninjured brains don't even know exist.
It is no wonder I feel so very comfortable outside of boxes and my boundaries are not as easy to define or identify for others. It is that way in my brain. And even when it isn't this brain has some knowledge on accessing that.
...So when someone says, "don't try to solve this" that power of suggestion automatically sets gears into motion and the can of worms is opened. That is not a good time to abandon and jump ship by the way.
I have choices.
Right now I need to fight for me. Right now I get to face it or hide. I am facing my fears and I am refusing to be the victim of my own learned neglect -neglect myself to care for others.
And it's funny how looking back I see that my neglecting of myself has not enhanced my care of others and does not help them but it likely causes more damage than harm.
Though I had often said that caring for others is part of how I care for myself (and this is true -it is still true) my balance has a tendency to lean too far from caring for myself. So while I still want to maintain that part of caring I will do it with a new perspective.
...It seems that my fighter, that I thought should stay buried forever, is emerging hopefully morphed and more evolved. I am ready to embrace it and/or (at very least) accept it for what it is and work with it.

in and out of the rabbit hole

On last year;

Reprocessing… Maybe it is best not to reprocess any of it. Sometimes as I start to reprocess so many times of feeling like I don’t belong and I identify some of the reasons for that I start to feel that I don’t belong in this world at all. I can feel this in both positive and negative ways. 

I am tired again. 

I will get surgery on my ankle sooner rather than later because 1. It is hurting too much when I teach and snowboard now which is increasing the risk of further damage and injury. I was able to get away with it last year because I couldn’t and didn’t ride much due to the concussion and the chiropractor was treating. Plus the head and other pains kept me from feeling it as much. But I did feel it because I got really good at riding switch (riding with the opposite foot as the lead foot) from that and the fact that I was already off balance made going switch not nearly as scary. (because it already was scary riding off balance) 2. I am already sleeping so terribly and my brain is a mess because of that so I’d rather not prolong that any longer than I have to because the surgery is likely going to screw that up too. 3. Since writing seems to be what I can and am driven to do right now, I could take advantage of that time for writing. 4. I would like to get all this crap addressed sooner rather than later so I can move on with my life. 

Tenacity

In my adolescence I was given that label as a nickname.

Sometimes I figure things out before I actually figure things out.
or another way to look at that might be;
sometimes people think I have things figured out before I actually do.
This is an interesting thing to observe and think about.
I see it in teaching a lot.
One way we learn is by parroting and mimicking. But that does not mean the concept has been fully understood or grasped, it can merely be part of the learning process.
Sometimes my intuition and instinct will give answers from my mouth and it is after that point that I start to process what I am saying.
I do not think I am unusual in that.
Often where we think we are different we are the same
and where we think we are the same we are different

and sometimes I don't have things figured out and wouldn't (or don't even care to) figure it out if they didn't get nervous and start making mistakes due to their own suspicion of me... that is reflective of them or projected onto me

I likely do the same thing

Oh dear brain... you may need to stop while you are still ahead (haha, that's a funny play on words too and I did exactly what I talked about, processed what I said after saying it)

what the...?

And other times I'm like "what the hell just happened??" or "what the hell was wrong with me?!"
and I'm back to my same old self when I look in the mirror.

past blast on being angry

I journaled these thoughts back in August, long before (at least it feels a bit like forever too me) my recent "break through" and self studying journalling experience started. After my conversation with the lovely lady yesterday I think this could be helpful information to some.

8/29/18

A friend told me about a book she read. Part of it talked about the forbidden emotions in dysfunctional families. How there is one forbidden emotion.

I think my forbidden emotion-my own- is anger. I don’t handle it from others well and I don’t handle it well from myself.

So I avoid it.

And I’m not too sure how that affects me, my decision making, and my relationships.

It seems that anger is part of the emotional process of coping. It is part of the grieving processes. Maybe I need to stop looking at it as “bad”

Anger, In my opinion, is masking an underlying problem or emotion and is almost never fully justified, or if it is justified maybe I don’t view it as constructive.

But maybe it is or can be constructive?… maybe... when it is embraced as a valid and justifiable emotion that deserves a spot in the counsel of the ego?


Right now I feel angry

...because I don’t want to deal with all the bills and insurance and lawyer stuff from the car accident.

I feel angry that it was already hard to organize and structure my mental energy and time and now it seems immensely harder

… all because that lady didn’t stop, didn’t signal, and didn’t wait her turn or turn and check again and then didn’t maneuver her left turn correctly.

But then I feel angry with myself too because I was hurrying across the intersection. I went the way that made me more nervous in the first place and I don’t remember being aware of her before I started into the intersection (though that doesn’t mean that I wasn’t, I took a hard blow to the head, I may have been) but I wasn’t more aware of her… Just saying it I feel that my anger with myself for those things is somewhat unjustified, I feel that I would never be angry with someone else for those things, and if I were it would only because I feel scared and worried for them (like when I get mad at my kids for getting hurt. I’m not mad, I’m scared and worried) I think it is okay to forgive myself those offenses.

But what about the anger I feel for myself because it wasn’t even that bad of an accident and it’s been such a hassle and a hold up. Am I just using it as an excuse and I am angry at myself for using it as an excuse? Or am I angry because it really has tipped an already delicate scale and I AM angry about it (writing the latter makes me cry). And I am angry that the scale was already delicate and damaged.

Is the anger I am feeling keeping me from taking care of what I need to. Is the suppressed anger what is causing the avoidance, the embarrassment, and compounding the problem, etc?

I think I may be afraid to be angry because anger has hurt me and others in the past. My anger has hurt me and others.

Maybe I am afraid that if I embrace it even a little all the other anger I have will come out and I will be so angry. A raging angry maniac

Or I will just cry… but I do that anyway, shut in, cry, retract…

So I am not so angry at the moment.

Maybe anger comes in waves?

Maybe anger passes quickly when you decide to face it, embrace it, accept it, or even just allow yourself to feel it and analyze it?

I think I have written out what I need to today.

But can I face the medical bills? Can I bring myself to call my lawyer that used to be my friend in school years?

Or is that maybe it is embarrassment and shame?

But I’ll save that for another day.

...and now I am tired.

neuroplasticity

What is Neuroplasticity?

Here is a "medical definition" and a link with great information about it:

"Neuroplasticity: The brain's ability to reorganize itself by forming new neural connections throughout life. Neuroplasticity allows the neurons (nerve cells) in the brain to compensate for injury and disease and to adjust their activities in response to new situations or to changes in their environment."
https://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=40362 https://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=40362 

And here is the definition from the other side of the tracks...oh wait; the other side of the tracks, also referred to as "the wrong side of the tracks," is where  I grew up... so maybe I "should" call it the definition from the other side of the profession. Yeah that works.

And here is the definition from the other side of the profession:
Neuroplastcity: the ability of your brain to make new connections in an attempt to restore functionality and stability by learning to take and make new paths that may be uncomfortable and unnatural for you and others. 
Your brain now works things out differently and you need to let it. It's okay. With mTBI [concussions] it is likely that your brain has just learned and realized, through the rattling and shaking   (that works something like a waking), that there is more to it than it formerly realized and/or has forgotten about and it may be a bit excited and overly anxious to access and utilize some of those new area's. It may even forget how efficient it had become as it is having flashbacks of the excitement of being a new life once again. It's neural connections are firing all over as it tries to remember how it worked before. [I speculate and would love to see a study or do a study to see if the concussed/injured brain behaves similar to an infant or child's brain on an FMRI, this could potentially explain the emotional instability that is so common and also difficult to deal with in concussed and head injured patients]. 

Appropriate guidance through and during these processes can be immensely helpful. 
But finding skilled professionals who understand this and know how to guide you through this is incredibly difficult. 
Even more difficult than I thought as I had a conversation just yesterday with a lovely lady from San Francisco who has not been able to find appropriate help with this. I thought it would be much easier to find in a large area like that with great schools in the area... so that causes feelings of sadness in me.

So these are my thoughts that are waking and/or keeping awake at 3:40 am. And I know that screens will not help me go back to sleep but I also know that my brain will not sleep easily and wants to hold onto things it feels are important and get them done quickly or as soon as possible less it forgets. It is a coping mechanism and strategy that I use and that helps me feel more happy and productive when I do utilize it (that strategy being: get it done when you think about it so you don't forget and it comes back to haunt you when you either, a) can't do anything about it or b) it is too late to do it and you have lost that window of opportunity.)
*In this blog entry I am "modeling my thinking" as I write more than one would typically say. Modeling your thinking is an effective teaching method one learns when they become a teacher (at least I learned it in my program. I have worked with some teachers that did not seem to learn that strategy) 
I use it here to illustrate this actually happening to some extent in a somewhat comical way and I now explain this to further illustrate and because I have learned that my re-routed thinking styles are often misunderstood. *
**The other side of the profession is referring to me and my experiences of learning and education from having suffered a TBI at 12 and a more recent mTBI. 

letting it be and reprocessing me

It is time to stand on my own two feet.
...Problem is one of them is literally broken... well torn
the tendon is torn and will require surgery to heal or an acceptance of pain and limitations. With acceptance my lifestyle would be limited by pain and the risk of increasing injury.
I will choose surgery and maybe sooner than I was planning because last night that was the pain that kept me up. The pain is increasing with my increased activity... and that increases risk and damage which can result in decreased positive response to surgery.
I have a lot to write and I am not sleeping well anyway, so maybe it is time to schedule that.
Maybe it is wise to give up most of this snowboarding season, which means giving up work (again), to once again heal.
From an automobile accident.
The interesting thing is ... and here is where I may struggle to get my thoughts out clearly...
Push crash
It's been an off and on theme for a long time as I look back and reprocess some of my life and memories.
The car accident definitely heightened that and created new forms. While the initial push crash I was experiencing is not so sever anymore, right now I am feeling a new type of crash as my brain is stronger and healthy enough to now feel some pains it could not handle or process before. My peroneal tendon is crashing on me and my left wrist. My sinuses and some teeth might also be crashing. Sinuses have bugged me much more frequently since, so I don't really call that a crash, mostly just an annoyance. But my teeth that hit hard enough that immediately following I was confident I would end up loosing a tooth are two are acting a bit strange, maybe related to sinuses. Not sure. I have had to take antibiotics for sinus infections 4 times since the car accident of Sept 21, 2017. That may not sound like much but that is about how many times (or more) I have been on antibiotics for sinus infections in the combined total of 39 years prior to said accident. Plus the intermittent colds that have not needed antibiotics... I wonder if my sinuses are crashing?
But mostly my left wrist. I notice it feeling weak and shaky still and the pain also seems to be increasing with use. I have not experienced anything like this in my left wrist before. My right has been broken twice in my life but it does not do the weird shakey thing quite like the left has been doing. Left was the arm that took the blow from the airbag. That and my face are what were in immediate pain. From my shoulder to my hand hurt so bad I was certain something was broken but the insta care doctor, the one who cared more about my husbands thumb he had fixed the month previous than in treating me, found nothing on the X-ray and that was that. When I asked about possible concussion he said "it's possible," kind of blew it off as he concluded "we don't really do anything for that anyway."
Even my husband will tell you he was an ass (to me but not to him)
I wonder if it is because he did not like how he perceived my response to my husbands injury the previous month. The one where I probably seemed cold and distant to my spouse in pain and where I was taking pictures and videos while he stitched. Intuitively I sensed he didn't like how I was handling my husbands pain and suffering but he does not realize that I was providing for my husband exactly what he wants in situations like this. He does not like extra attention or to feel coddled, and he does not need or want to feel my pain for him when he is in so much pain. But he will want pictures and he had actually asked me to take some, though I am fairly certain it was while the doctor was out of the room, and I decided to get my husband the added bonus so I took them while the doctor was working on his thumb.  I did this because I knew husband would like those even better and I value my husband more that the doctors perceived disapproval.
But it would seem that doctor made a judgement about me and when it was my turn, and I needed his medical attention he treated me with the same regard he likely felt I deserved due to his perception of how I handled my husbands pain.
That is my intuition and once again my writing has taken a different direction than I anticipated and I am not sure where it belongs, on blog or my book of reprocessing? But staying true to allowing things to be what they are or turn into I'll go ahead and publish here.  and I'll try again on the push crash theme that I thought would evolve into a radical resolve theme.