The crash... or a weakened battery to grieve?

If you cross a crow with a toad and a mouse it would sound something like I did today. As my body has worn thin from lack of sleep I have developed some sort of cold or sinus infection that is now attempting to steal my voice. You'd think I'd talk less because of it but I find it so funny sounding I may be talking far too much.
Fortunately for me they do not care to have toad-crow-mouse crosses teaching snowboard lessons at my Neverland (the resort I teach snowboard lessons at) so I got to back line. Which means you are the first one let off for the day if they don't need all of the instructors staffed.
So I didn't have to teach but since one of my favorite supervisors to clinic with was working  I asked if we could do a short clinic before I returned home to rest my body and prep for Italy. (* clinic meaning they take you on runs to work on teaching skills and technique)
Said clinician is very technical and his teaching style encourages you to think and solve.
We only got one run in but it was jam backed with review and technique work and reflection. I thought to do another run on my own, just for fun, but since mortality has returned to me in the form of this sickness I thought I best save my strength and return home.
I was feeling it. I was tired. And to be honest I was a bit relieved to finally be feeling tired. My heart isn't hurting anymore and I am no longer worried that I am going to morph into some alternative existences as I fight to stay okay. I am okay again just the expected tired. Still improved but tired. So I started to head home
And man was the tired starting to get to me.
I was so tired that before I even got out of the canyon I had to pull over just to close my eyes for a minute or two. I pulled over and turned the car off but it was cold so I turned the key back to the on position to keep the seat warmer working. I was asleep almost instantly.
In a little bit, not fully awake, I thought I better turn the car back on so I don't kill the battery so I turned the key... "What? it's already dead?"
How could that be? Over 45 minutes had passed. I thought it had been about 5 maybe 10. Holy crap I was tired. Much as I am now so I am going to sleep and will finish this in the morning.
It is now the next morning, after sleeping with only the aid of melatonin this time. I woke 3 times but was able to gently redirect my thoughts to places that would allow me to fall back asleep within a reasonable amount of time, since they were not full-blown-lights-all-on-(in the head) and heart-pushing-me-out wakings.
But 45 minutes I slept and while my car battery slowly died. I have so much to get done that I could have been mad about this but anger is not my emotions these days, what good does that do anyway. Besides it was funny and rather poetic that my crash would start in a car.
It may not be the crash, but I will let it be if it will let me.
However one thing had me wondering: is it the more cognitively demanding task coupled with body fatigue that brought me to a tired that was so intense I had to pull over and sleep only 5 miles from home?
Am I really going to have to grieve a loss of mental stamina?

Mourning the Loss of your Insanity

When normal starts to return it is a little sad.
Losing your insanity is a bit sad.
Yes you read that correct if you read "losing your insanity"-let me explain:
When you start to return to normalcy you miss the sensations and the fun and excitement of it all, it is really quite intense. There can be a lot of pain and anxiety and maybe the mania I experience is just coping with those feelings with equivalent force.
I tell you, I would be fascinating to study... maybe that is why I have been studying my thoughts and analyzing myself so much through this... I bet there is some sort of disorder associated with that to (that makes me laugh)
which is probably why I have always avoided diagnosis... I'd get too many or not enough but mostly because I don't like the stigma's and discriminations attached to them.
And because I don't like how people use them as excuses.
And probably a whole lot of other reasons to that I don't really care about right now
so back to my point.
Coming back to reality is a bit sad. Maybe even -wait for it- depressing. Maybe that is why "depression always follows mania" according to Am I Bipolar on webbed.com.
It feels a bit silly that I find myself here again.
...The box he opened contained so much more than I remembered...
But anyway
Reality kind of sucks compared to spirit animals and omens; to feeling so full of energy and life that you might burst; to snowboarding being an almost orgasmic experience and floating in a pool at night is so other worldly that you never want to leave. I wish I were a better writer when I try to explain the intensity of joy, passion and pleasure my seemingly simple experiences bring when I am ... well.. I suppose I should call it what it is, manic.
Is that acceptance on my part? Am I allowed to say that? I do wish that I had my best therapist to help me answer these questions... But alas he is gone from me...I'll have to mourn that loss again and again and that really sucks but I have to put as many mournful realizations as I can off for now and because he promised not to close the door on me completely I can. ..."just don't look back to check" I tell myself. But there is a new sad to that loss with this new remembering/realizing/considering. It is sad to think that this may very well be what scared him away and that it is also very likely a contributing factor to the intensity of my feelings for him these past few weeks... It's another thing to mourn and to process. and it is sad and it can be embarrassing.
...But fortunately a great guru I once knew taught me that it is okay to make mistakes and that I am allowed to be human... to bad that guru is the same guy, do you see how there can be no clean break... pull the fuel, redirect, don't isolate and don't over think- so I move on again- as it slowly morphs into just my heart speaking and my mind is a garden where I choose which thoughts to grow and which to weed out...

Back again to the mania.
I can see how people can get addicted to drugs. I'd love to go back to mania -only without the equivalent level heartbreaking. Good thing I am smart and know what lies on the other side of drugs and I am not at all interested in that place.
Fortunately for me, during those pivotal years when people usually experiment with those things, I wouldn't touch it because I knew I was already screwed up enough; I didn't need help with that.
And I still think that is funny.
Right now I am not sure I am completely back to normal, I kind of hope I never am, but I am not crashed yet and I find myself thinking that maybe, just maybe, I will be able to curb the effects of the crash the way I was able to curb the effects of the mania. I hope so. And I think so and at least one person believes in me and that is enough for me.

*So it seems I am moving my book of thoughts, processing and reprocessing to my blog.
It feels like a worthwhile endeavor for me. And as I earlier read through some old comments I was glad that I had helped a couple of people along the way -by sharing. I do not advertise this blog and don't do anything to promote it so it is buried pretty deep, I'm sure, but on one occasion someone randomly came across it and thanked me for it. That is enough for me. They are worth it for me. and I am also worth it so I've already got one person I'm helping here :) Your welcome self.

A page from my book: waking from death

12/2/18 10:28 pm


He doesn’t seem to notice that I am in some sort of trance. I see the rice crispy treats and see him and somehow instinctively know that I need to eat one and give up on the new me, give up on the me staying sane and safe.

This feels important

Important to add to my story even in spite of the internet not working.

I am not sure why it is but I am awake now. I feel a little funny. Still a little detached but here and present.

I woke up about 10:18pm.

I woke up from the abyss of nothingness. From death or nonexistence. I have been here before. I used to wake up from death in depression and it is a very unpleasant feeling. This time is different, “I am dying” My body is fighting to hold on. To wake me up. I don’t understand it as I come to but I keep fighting to wake up. My throat is dry and scratchy feeling. It wants to keep me from breathing. I notice that Kelby is still not in bed and that I hear noises. I am pushing hard to come back to life. I don’t want to give up. As I wake I somehow instinctively start to check on things. I feel so strange as I leave my bed and walk into the hall. I am still hearing the voice saying that I am dying, except I am not; I can’t be because I am walking and seeing and hearing again even if It is the sound of the blood pumping through my head. I go down stairs to the sameness. I ask Kelby about the kids being in bed. As he is watching television he doesn’t seem to notice that Joe is not and that I am asking from a different state of existence.

This is proving a bit more challenging to write and explain and I may still be waking as I hear the white background noises inside my head. But I am mostly wide awake.

I took 2 nighttime Ibuprofen pm tablets before bed and I may have forgot my escitalopram because I was so tired and my throat was starting to hurt so bad thus I was merely focused on getting a good night's sleep. This alone may account for whatever happened, the death waking

As I looked up and down the stairs feeling so weird and out of it, knowing that I needed sleep but also afraid to die, I had to make a decision. I decided I had to return to “normal” so I took a rice crispy treat then went and curled up next to Kelby with my head on his shoulder to watch the show “Schitt’s Creek” It was funny but I was lost so I asked a few questions from the other side. Much like usual Kelby barely noticed me and I started to wax and wane comfortably in and out of sleep. I then knew I needed to write about this although I wasn’t sure why. Add it to my story and with that I fully woke and I left.

Now I am sitting in bed wondering what it all means. Wondering if I will be okay leaving in one week and a day. I will because I have to be… But is that enough to keep me there? I need sleep so badly that my body is starting to get sick and yet I still can’t seem to sleep and to do so now offers death?

I have cold water and Ricola’s with me now and yet I question taking the Lexapro (generic)

A little unsure if I had already taken one.

43 lexapro left after I just took one, or one more, but at least now if I forget again, I have it written down.

Pandora's broken box

6:19
I took 1mg of Clonazepam at 8:30 pm last night and still couldn't get to sleep until about 10:00. I slept good until around 12-12:30 am and woke up to myself talking it through with Kelby. I am proud of myself this time. I really am the professional on the other side of this profession. So knowing that and now better understanding, remembering and having learned from the formally trained professionals (this time it was the lovely lady doctor I went to today) I am now new me and old me and prepared me. All very well educated in the taking care of me. I take another Clonazepam (.5mg) and 1 and 1/2 of  3mg melatonin. It still takes me a little bit to fall asleep but now my thoughts are carefree and seemingly meaningless. Now and again some part of this experience pops into my head but it is weakened in its power and I easily shift back to my thoughts of sugar plum children dancing or whatever it was only this time I slept all the way until 6:00 am.
Progress
I do feel a little funny now. But it's not anything I haven't faced before. It may be a longer more intense race but I am still a runner and I've been a runner and training for a very long time.
I've got this.
Though I do wonder if this most recent head injury has contributed. For that it would be nice to have the professional yang to my yin. But oh well I guess. I'll have to find someone to help me figure out and fix that box when we return home.
Postpone the crash: :) yay. I am kind excited about this new adventure.

Let's just call it what it is

When you haven't slept for more than 2-4 hours at a time for 3 weeks you know your body is not going to hold up for ever. You know their is going to be a crash. When your heart has literally and physically hurt for 3 weeks you start to feel yourself wearing thin. Now I am getting sick, trying to keep a cold at bay, Airborne, Ricola, water, tea, whatever you can to try and stay well. But still your heart is broken and your brain is in hyperdrive trying to process what happened and any new bit of information just starts a new cycle of analyzing.
He said not to try and solve this, not to over think things. That is very good advice, and I keep trying to refocus but then something else pops uninvited into my head. This is so very complicated and I can see why he would not want to have anything to do with me. It is a recurring theme confirming my knowledge that I am too much. I complicate things too much and I am hard to be around.
I am returning to old thinking patterns... It is why I couldn't loose him but I have lost him and it is because of all of those things. Can't blame him, can't blame any of them.
But it sucks and its shit
I went to the doctor today because I need to make sure my heart really is ok, and I need to be well for our trip but mostly because I need to sleep. As I went through the process of explaining everything (and I will be grossly oversimplifying this story) I started to realize another reality I had packed away,  but taking a new form, a much better form... No wait? Is this better or is this terrifying?
The omens
the symbolism
the way everything connected
dreams
"have you had hallucinations?" asks the nurse... "maybe," is all I can say as I think of the feelings and sensations, the thousands of lives lived in days.
The book that is somehow writing itself
the laughing
the energy
no need for food
the spirit animals
the connections...

"I just worry about what you will be like two weeks from now," says my husband about 2 weeks ago.
The doctor asks if I have ever been diagnosed with bipolar... I honestly don't know
I kind avoid labels and diagnosis. Is this something I need to face? I suppose there are some similarities.

Thank God I have worked so hard to figure myself out and to solve me because -congratulations self You just walked yourself through- (by definition) a manic episode... and what problem have I been trying to solve this whole time, deep down inside knowing I only have myself to rely on?
The Crash
I want to prevent the crash, especially since I have never experienced anything quite like this before. My heart has never hurt for three weeks straight... except for maybe when my brother died. But especially I have never felt so much pain, peace, and excitement all a the same time or anything like this before... at least not that I can remember.
"I have complete faith in you," he says
I hope his faith holds as I keep turning logs away from the fire that so badly desires continued life.
I hope the doctors recommendations for sleep works
but I am still not asleep
and I am so tired
this is very confusing

Body Language

As I was trying to explain; to help him feel more comfortable with acknowledging what we both already knew, but that I needed to hear to know that I had no logical reason to question my sanity and stability I found myself grounded by body language as I looked at his feet. Then I noticed something even more fascinating, mine mirrored his exactly. His right, my left were pointed directly at each other, his left and my right were angled about 30 degrees off to the side at equal proportions of an open stance. It was really funny as I remember reading that the feet -and especially the lead foot- point in the direction the person wants to go. So the desired direction was apparent but there was obviously the other direction that things maybe needed to head also.

Later he had his legs crossed, but both feet very forward facing, which also happened to be pointing to exactly where I was sitting. I felt I was either weakening or strengthening his resolve to close himself off to me completely and I did not want to intentionally do either, so it was time to say goodbye (for now) but at least I knew that he really was sincere in the things he had said and that he really could not allow himself to be “vulnerable” with me because his heart had in fact been touched as much as he could handle and allow at this point in his life and under the circumstances. And I can work with that. I can leave him because I love him and I do not want to break him.
We both have plenty of love in our lives. His job was to help me see that. I hope that I can keep him in my heart, he said I could, and continue to love myself and others with the steadfast commitment that he taught me by being who he is. He is steadfast and deeply committed to his job, his values, and his kids. I would not wish to destroy that in a million years; instead I can learn from it and let it be exactly what it is and what it needs to be.

A teacher does not teach by what they say, they teach by how they live.

A dying light...

12/4/18
1:36am after laying awake for 45 minutes confident that I would fall back asleep naturally, I gave up and decided I’d better write it out should I ever hope to get back to sleep.

I am thinking on his advice about not feeding the fire… Letting it burn out. It is a very sad but beautiful analogy and I envision sitting under a starry night sky watching a campfire slowly burning out the last little bits of wood; red glowing embers eventually cooling and fading into black. Now and again a piece of missed fuel will ignite causing a temporary flame to spark back to life but only for a moment... soon choked out by the lack of new fuel. When all the fuel is burned to embers, for awhile, there is always a low intense flame that is almost invisible. It is the hottest moment in the fires life.
The whole process is truly beautiful and mysterious and I think the analogy is very fitting.

But as a camper watching the fire die you have to make a decision: Do I sit and watch it die slowly until it is all the way out? Do I push and stir all the remaining fuel into the core heat in order to burn any missed fuel pockets so that it burns out more quickly and the risk of something reigniting while it is unattended is minimal? Do I poor water on it and stir to make sure it is completely out for the time being? Or do I just leave it to burn itself out believing that there is no risk of it causing a wildfire?

The decision made will be influenced by time and location. Sometimes we are tired or impatient so we put it out quickly leaving little bits of fuel for the next fire. Sometimes we have the luxury of being able to sit and savor every last moment of it; feeling the cold calculatingly creep into our body as the fire fades away. And sometimes, when we believe we are in enough of a windless desert that there seems no risk of igniting anything outside of the fire pit, we just leave it to do its thing.

Right now my mind is watching the fire die and it is the bittersweet end to an adventure filled day…