Back on track.
I really appreciate how I am able to get back on track so much more easily now. I am grateful and happy to say that it is much easier to turn my thinking around.
Today I had a follow up with psychiatric PA. It has been three "inadvertent" months, and I was happy to report that I am good and have been good. It was a bit bitter sweet though because, I'll admit ,I have kind of missed seeing her so regularly. So while it is good I don't need to see her so frequently I am also sad I don't get to see her more frequently.
And even this makes me happy because I am just that, happy.
I take hits and I have found myself awkwardly responding to gestures of friendship, evidence of just how much I have been scarred by friends through this journey of mine. It surprises me because I think I am "recovered" only to find that I don't know how to have friends anymore.
Oh well.
I'll keep working on it.
And this is really why I am coming on here today at all, because my anger and hurt that fueled my triggered processing the other day threatened to isolate me again by allowing the pain of those that have been not so kind, not so fair, and not so available (at all) to override all the good that I have experienced from people.
I will be honest and say that the overwhelming response has been generally apathetic when I really did need help and support and some of the things people have said and done and ways I have been treated have been really shocking, but that (and they) matter far less than those that have helped.
Like my psychiatric PA. I am so grateful for her.
As part of her assessments she asked about things I am already forgetting about, like the suicidal thoughts. It felt so good to report that they are pretty much gone and I didn't even cry when I noted that occasionally they will try to gain an audience but they yield no power anymore.
I did, however, tear up as we talked about how I was before. It has been almost a year since I started seeing her. She comments on how she cannot believe they expected me and left me to try and schedule all these appointments on my own when I was in the mental state I was in and considering TBI. (they being those pesky previous providers at the Neuroscience Institute and even other doctors that I did not and do not think are pesky). She felt they should have done the type of referrals where the new facility or doctor calls you to schedule. They absolutely should have.
PA is impressed that I managed. I remember Dr. She saying something similar at a much earlier stage in our relationship; she said she was surprised and impressed that I would even return to a therapist at all.
With PA, I tear up when I once again realize that she and Dr. She very literally saved my life.
It is surprising and some will think that it means something like, "well maybe it wasn't really that bad," to which I will say, please remember I loved and trusted the people at the Neuroscience Institute and I wanted nothing more than to have things reconciled and to have them work with me to understand what the hell was going on with my head, and this is exactly why it was sooo bad, how they treated and betrayed me, but the real cold hard truth of the matter is I was in the most difficult and bizarre fight for my life and I was determined not to give up. I wanted to be better. I wanted to live. I knew that what I was experiencing was not right and my brain and body were fading and they were fading bad. It was progressing rather quickly and I did not have much time left. I was loosing ground. I would not have lasted much longer. Plain and simple.
I don't know how it would have ended. I really have no idea. But my light was dying, my energy was fading, insanity or whatever it was, was winning and I was dying.
I knew that. And I know that. And that is the only reason why I somehow managed to get those appointments set and to get there. People have no idea how hard it really was just to find the courage to call.
But those realities, and that truth, when your life is hanging in the limbs, that keeps you fighting harder than you really are capable of. If my state of health had not been as bad as it really was, I would not have done any of it. I very well might have turned bitter and jaded. I may have deteriorated more slowly. I don't know but I am confident that one of the great ironies or paradoxes of my situation was that I had to fight harder then I was capable of in oder to save my self.
And back to,
the following through
with giving credit where credit is due:
It was also likely due to the few who showed concern at all that I was able to keep at it. My kids. My husband. My aunt and uncle who were the only people to respond to my facebook plea, after my ankle surgery, when I said I needed visitors. My physical therapist, Doug, and a few people I had the pleasure to interact with there. My friend CP who, when I told her I was hurt but that I knew it was likely because I was extra sensitive to rejection at that time, she apologized and asked me what was going on. She made sure she was extra sensitive to me. My sister who, despite some misunderstandings, kept occasionally checking on me and actually asked how I was doing. Another sister who, though she is far and forgets often, actually called the patient advocate and tried to help me. Bob, who kept checking up on my blog and actually checked in on me occasionally, a few others I worked with, that have been continuously kind. My boss at the new job I had (and had to leave) at the time I was fading that kept believing in me in so many little ways. People on Quora that appreciated my answers and insight.
This is how I am a success, I appreciate the little things and see the good even when I am hurting and fading. I keep working to come back to those. And it gets easier and easier. Now I am getting better at letting go of "bad" friends and people who are not so healthy to be around. I can still hurt but I know it is not me and I don't have to accept being treated as second class.
So back to being a success story is fine by me.
A success because I define mine based on my own core values and realistic expectations.
To me I am a success if I can find joy and magic in life and if I can help others in some small way.
So I am a success pretty much everyday now. 😁 And I thank you for helping me by reading me.
Friday, July 17, 2020
Thursday, July 16, 2020
Breaking, We all eventually do. Even You
So today has been rough as more harsh realities, that far too many people face, are hitting again.
I have people making me wrong again to ease their burden of conscience. I am getting very tired of that common and tragic human trait.
I am trying to gauge if some of the issues may be due to a pendulum swing in me. I am determined to be patient and kind to myself. I know I at least deserve that.
I think about being triggered yesterday and I think my emotions may be a bit heightened still from that. I have thought to delete, or "revert to draft," my post from yesterday. But I think I need to leave it to be true to the reality of wretched parts of this processing and progressing business.
I am entitled to have bad moments. My brain has to work extra hard at impulse control anyway soo I may have allowed it to not-have-to work so hard at it yesterday.
I did edit the facebook post and took off the link to the blog post... because I really do understand the harsh realities of judgments I will not escape.
As my pendulum swings, I may be too blunt and even without meaning to I am often calling people out on their shit so I probably do that too much.
Sigh...
sigh...
sigh...
I have learned so very much through this process and the harsh realities of life really are so harsh. I remember reading Viktor Frankls book and thinking, "but people are still just like this, only they mask it with their professions" and it is very disturbing.
People go along with abuse all of the time, people don't stand up or speak out when bad things are happening and the people in positions of power far too often do not care about anything other then themselves, money and power. It is very often how they got there. It sounds so cliche and we don't want to believe it but I am seeing it again and again. If you do not have significant wealth or influence you will never win no matter how wrongly you were treated and people will jump right on the bandwagon of perpetuating harm often simply because they want to align themselves with wealth and power.
I think I don't relate very well to this and it seems to cause me a lot of problems.
So when that one guy said, "I am okay with being wrong," I mostly interpreted based on my own perspective and my own innate character which is why I thought he meant something similar to things I have said about being okay with being wrong.
When I have said things like this I meant that it is okay to make mistakes and not beat yourself up over it. I have also said it in the form of, "I would rather say it and be wrong than not say it and be right," in attempt to help others from befalling a negative circumstance. Like warning others about a potential scam or like when I called my ex-brother-in-law out on his abuses and manipulations of my family member. I was right and my speaking up made a difference multiple times. I was okay with being wrong because helping someone else was more important than being comfortably right in my silence.
Renée, my sweet petite guardian angle, has said it so many times because she has lived it and seen it occurring so ridiculously frequently with TBI survivors, that "they [those who did not endure the tragedy] can't handle it [their own pain, your observations, the truth etc.] so they have to make you wrong."
Today, as I repeated what she has taught me about how people "have to make you wrong" Dr. He's words, "I am okay with being wrong," came back into my mind and I realized that he and I were not on the same page in the use of these words. Now I understood what he most likely meant - a thing that I just don't relate well enough to in order to have picked up on the very real threat he was making- that he would make me wrong, that he was okay with making mistakes and would do everything in his power to hide and cover those if he felt they threatened him and his livelihood in any way.
It seems that he meant something completely opposite of what I have used that phrase for.
Yin and Yang.
It is often so hard to see what we don't relate to.
...and I guess I do it too.
but probably far less than you do
because my brain has been cracked open
and so have I;
broken by
the realities of insanity.
I at least know the limitations of my stability
and the delusions of my illusions
Do you?
Not many do
when lateral, efficient, undisturbed, un-traumatized thinking has always worked for them.
It's a neuroplasticity thing, you wouldn't understand
...but you can learn too 😀
And I sincerely hope you do
Because someday you will break too.
Pray it does not get the best of you
because the breakings often do.
It even has a name
We call it Death.
And now I am going to make cookies
because it has been one of those days
...and I am learning
as I continue to work on changing my negative core perceptions of myself
I have people making me wrong again to ease their burden of conscience. I am getting very tired of that common and tragic human trait.
I am trying to gauge if some of the issues may be due to a pendulum swing in me. I am determined to be patient and kind to myself. I know I at least deserve that.
I think about being triggered yesterday and I think my emotions may be a bit heightened still from that. I have thought to delete, or "revert to draft," my post from yesterday. But I think I need to leave it to be true to the reality of wretched parts of this processing and progressing business.
I am entitled to have bad moments. My brain has to work extra hard at impulse control anyway soo I may have allowed it to not-have-to work so hard at it yesterday.
I did edit the facebook post and took off the link to the blog post... because I really do understand the harsh realities of judgments I will not escape.
As my pendulum swings, I may be too blunt and even without meaning to I am often calling people out on their shit so I probably do that too much.
Sigh...
sigh...
sigh...
I have learned so very much through this process and the harsh realities of life really are so harsh. I remember reading Viktor Frankls book and thinking, "but people are still just like this, only they mask it with their professions" and it is very disturbing.
People go along with abuse all of the time, people don't stand up or speak out when bad things are happening and the people in positions of power far too often do not care about anything other then themselves, money and power. It is very often how they got there. It sounds so cliche and we don't want to believe it but I am seeing it again and again. If you do not have significant wealth or influence you will never win no matter how wrongly you were treated and people will jump right on the bandwagon of perpetuating harm often simply because they want to align themselves with wealth and power.
I think I don't relate very well to this and it seems to cause me a lot of problems.
So when that one guy said, "I am okay with being wrong," I mostly interpreted based on my own perspective and my own innate character which is why I thought he meant something similar to things I have said about being okay with being wrong.
When I have said things like this I meant that it is okay to make mistakes and not beat yourself up over it. I have also said it in the form of, "I would rather say it and be wrong than not say it and be right," in attempt to help others from befalling a negative circumstance. Like warning others about a potential scam or like when I called my ex-brother-in-law out on his abuses and manipulations of my family member. I was right and my speaking up made a difference multiple times. I was okay with being wrong because helping someone else was more important than being comfortably right in my silence.
Renée, my sweet petite guardian angle, has said it so many times because she has lived it and seen it occurring so ridiculously frequently with TBI survivors, that "they [those who did not endure the tragedy] can't handle it [their own pain, your observations, the truth etc.] so they have to make you wrong."
Today, as I repeated what she has taught me about how people "have to make you wrong" Dr. He's words, "I am okay with being wrong," came back into my mind and I realized that he and I were not on the same page in the use of these words. Now I understood what he most likely meant - a thing that I just don't relate well enough to in order to have picked up on the very real threat he was making- that he would make me wrong, that he was okay with making mistakes and would do everything in his power to hide and cover those if he felt they threatened him and his livelihood in any way.
It seems that he meant something completely opposite of what I have used that phrase for.
Yin and Yang.
It is often so hard to see what we don't relate to.
...and I guess I do it too.
but probably far less than you do
because my brain has been cracked open
and so have I;
broken by
the realities of insanity.
I at least know the limitations of my stability
and the delusions of my illusions
Do you?
Not many do
when lateral, efficient, undisturbed, un-traumatized thinking has always worked for them.
It's a neuroplasticity thing, you wouldn't understand
...but you can learn too 😀
And I sincerely hope you do
Because someday you will break too.
Pray it does not get the best of you
because the breakings often do.
It even has a name
We call it Death.
And now I am going to make cookies
because it has been one of those days
...and I am learning
as I continue to work on changing my negative core perceptions of myself
Wednesday, July 15, 2020
TRIGGERED in a BIG WAY!
https://anchor.fm/dr-timothy-speicher/episodes/Kelsey-Boyer--Professional-Snowboarder--Shares-her-Story-of-Brain-Recovery-egnbse/a-a2morjn
A friend sent me a link to this Podcast.
I start to listen
I had to stop.
I cannot believe how bad I am being triggered by this!!!! I want to type all this in caps except I know that can be annoying to read. But I have to process. I have not been triggered like this is awhile. I did not think it was even possible anymore. but I am sick. shaky. knotted throat, crying and ANGRY!!!
I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ANGRY. I cannot escape it and it takes me a bit before I even realize what I am doing; I am irrationally pacing while my hand is trying to pound some sort of solution into my forehead...
I need to process this. I cannot listen right now. Maybe never. But
THE SHIT I WENT THROUGH IS HAPPENING TO OTHER PEOPLE!!!
I can't even listen long enough to hear how the story plays out. I am furious. AND I am so angry about the lack of support and help from friends, family and coworkers that I had. I am so angry that I had no-one speaking up for me. I am so angry that this is happening to other people like this lady and like me. It's so bad it is even happening to people who have a voice and some influence. How many more are there, like me, who are nobodies?
I am so ANGRY that the ONE place in this WHOLE DAMNED state that REALLY SHOULD KNOW BETTER IS DOING THE SAME SHIT AS the doctors who "might not know as well"
At one point her internal voice said, "your brain is bleeding" but then I hear her say, when the professionals told her she was fine she believed them.
SHE GETS IT!!!
When the "experts" tell you that you are fine you believe it even when you know you are not.
SOMEBODY ELSE GETS IT!!!!
She even "seemed fine" and passed their stupid little concussion tests well enough the way I did.
My head feels like it is going to explode now and I am both excited and terrified.
MOSTLY Terrified and also
hurt again
because I am so very alone
no matter how positive I am, no matter how much credit I give.
I have been tooo damn alone in this insane battle for my brain.
When I knew something more was happening. When the institution that could have found this and helped me through it was betraying me because I am of no significance... I was too alone
My friends and family just don't give enough of a shit to help me get the help I need.
They don't care enough to care. And many will even make me wrong just to ease their burden of conscience.
WHAT A FREAKING SHIT SHOW!
And right now, in this moment, I have to be very very careful because I want to blow up on a whole lot of people in a very big way that will only prove them right for being such shitty friends... So why the hell not?
I don't want them or need them!
....
I'm having to work real hard to talk myself out of sending a lot of angry words.
So I suppose I will tell you why the hell not: because it will always hurt and it will never satisfy. They will never care, they will never listen, they have me pegged and nothing I can do will change that. It does not matter to them that I have been literally fighting for my life, my brain, my stability, my sanity, even my family, they don't care and will not see. They will just spread more bad words and be even bigger jerks, justified no matter what I do.
But I know they are not.
And it hurts
a lot
over and over again
but I will not stoop to their level of apathy or ignorant disregard for a person who has been their friend.
Those friends are not likely to read this and if they do I doubt it will change anything but in the event that one or two might, YOUR WELCOME for not blowing up on you or being the pain in the ass you think I am or have even accused me of being. Your welcome for not pointing out how shitty it for a nurse friend that suspected mania, to say things like “I can’t believe your still talking about this” when I come to you for help as it is first dawnsInt on my manic broken brain that I may have been being groomed and that may have been part of why I was still so screwed up and hung up on things
Your Welcome to all of you that this anger applies to for not blowing up on you and for exposing how shitty you can be.
But if you are a friend or family that Actually does care please consider reaching out to help me fight this problem that is bigger than just me. Please lend some support where you can to help hold the Neuroscience Institute accountable and to educate the "experts" so that we, people with TBI's, can actually get the help we need before further damage is done AND so that the harm that is being caused by the medical and psychological providers stops!
...and maybe I won't be arguing both sides... I already tried. I already tried to give them the benefit of the doubt 1000x10 times, but all they have done is use it against me.
A friend sent me a link to this Podcast.
I start to listen
I had to stop.
I cannot believe how bad I am being triggered by this!!!! I want to type all this in caps except I know that can be annoying to read. But I have to process. I have not been triggered like this is awhile. I did not think it was even possible anymore. but I am sick. shaky. knotted throat, crying and ANGRY!!!
I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ANGRY. I cannot escape it and it takes me a bit before I even realize what I am doing; I am irrationally pacing while my hand is trying to pound some sort of solution into my forehead...
I need to process this. I cannot listen right now. Maybe never. But
THE SHIT I WENT THROUGH IS HAPPENING TO OTHER PEOPLE!!!
I can't even listen long enough to hear how the story plays out. I am furious. AND I am so angry about the lack of support and help from friends, family and coworkers that I had. I am so angry that I had no-one speaking up for me. I am so angry that this is happening to other people like this lady and like me. It's so bad it is even happening to people who have a voice and some influence. How many more are there, like me, who are nobodies?
I am so ANGRY that the ONE place in this WHOLE DAMNED state that REALLY SHOULD KNOW BETTER IS DOING THE SAME SHIT AS the doctors who "might not know as well"
At one point her internal voice said, "your brain is bleeding" but then I hear her say, when the professionals told her she was fine she believed them.
SHE GETS IT!!!
When the "experts" tell you that you are fine you believe it even when you know you are not.
SOMEBODY ELSE GETS IT!!!!
She even "seemed fine" and passed their stupid little concussion tests well enough the way I did.
My head feels like it is going to explode now and I am both excited and terrified.
MOSTLY Terrified and also
hurt again
because I am so very alone
no matter how positive I am, no matter how much credit I give.
I have been tooo damn alone in this insane battle for my brain.
When I knew something more was happening. When the institution that could have found this and helped me through it was betraying me because I am of no significance... I was too alone
My friends and family just don't give enough of a shit to help me get the help I need.
They don't care enough to care. And many will even make me wrong just to ease their burden of conscience.
WHAT A FREAKING SHIT SHOW!
And right now, in this moment, I have to be very very careful because I want to blow up on a whole lot of people in a very big way that will only prove them right for being such shitty friends... So why the hell not?
I don't want them or need them!
....
I'm having to work real hard to talk myself out of sending a lot of angry words.
So I suppose I will tell you why the hell not: because it will always hurt and it will never satisfy. They will never care, they will never listen, they have me pegged and nothing I can do will change that. It does not matter to them that I have been literally fighting for my life, my brain, my stability, my sanity, even my family, they don't care and will not see. They will just spread more bad words and be even bigger jerks, justified no matter what I do.
But I know they are not.
And it hurts
a lot
over and over again
but I will not stoop to their level of apathy or ignorant disregard for a person who has been their friend.
Those friends are not likely to read this and if they do I doubt it will change anything but in the event that one or two might, YOUR WELCOME for not blowing up on you or being the pain in the ass you think I am or have even accused me of being. Your welcome for not pointing out how shitty it for a nurse friend that suspected mania, to say things like “I can’t believe your still talking about this” when I come to you for help as it is first dawnsInt on my manic broken brain that I may have been being groomed and that may have been part of why I was still so screwed up and hung up on things
Your Welcome to all of you that this anger applies to for not blowing up on you and for exposing how shitty you can be.
But if you are a friend or family that Actually does care please consider reaching out to help me fight this problem that is bigger than just me. Please lend some support where you can to help hold the Neuroscience Institute accountable and to educate the "experts" so that we, people with TBI's, can actually get the help we need before further damage is done AND so that the harm that is being caused by the medical and psychological providers stops!
...and maybe I won't be arguing both sides... I already tried. I already tried to give them the benefit of the doubt 1000x10 times, but all they have done is use it against me.
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