the chemical ups have definitely subsided. I am much more stable...
but I feel as though I am loosing some of that stability again because anger is exploding from me a bit...
I AM ANGRY
And not just about me and my shit but about the shit that too many people handle and how we are all so damn shitty at helping each other....
I AM MAD
I am mad that I am so powerless to do anything about the inaccuracies, false accusations and even straight up defamation in my medical records.
I am mad about how my kids have been effected. I am mad that my son is alone and lonely, that this experience has resulted in him feeling and becoming somewhat isolated. How the hell does a 13-14 year old boy explain to anyone the anxiety he is having because the medical institution that his mom loved and trusted had the cops sent to his house and he was led to believe his mom had committed suicide after he had an altercation with her.
It's too much for a 13 year old boy to watch his mom go manic and then fade into a depression that was so mind altering that she was not the same person she used to be, but rather a screwed up version of his mom that is in a love with another man that happened to be the medical provider that had broken her and she is trying to protect him when he is lying about her condition to those that could help her, she is unstable but trying her best to not be, and she is so suicidal from it that it was impossible to hide although she was trying her best to and to not be that also.
That is too damn much for any child
and I am sad and angry that he has had to go through that. I am sad and angry that I don't know how to handle it or how to help him now. I am angry that I know space from me is probably a good thing for him. I am sad and angry about that because I love him, he is still my young son, and he is so important to me. I am sad and angry because so many things have been canceled that finding any good opportunities with peers his age this summer is very difficult and, so far, also very far away. He wants to go. He deserves to go. ...It is expensive... but more than that, I will miss him and I will worry about him... And I want to keep him. I want to make things better... that I cannot make better... no matter how hard I try. I can not fix the way things have happened or his pain.... I cannot even seem to be able to fix my own problems. And he is loosing faith in humanity at far too young an age because of it.
...So I need to let him go, I think, and this is hurting me more than I care to admit to myself...
I am tired of handling this. I am angry that my kids having to handle this. They already had the burden of handling my broken and exhausted brain... I am tired of doctors that are supposed to help me untangle what was made a mess by other doctors. Other doctors that have done what they can to cover up the mess and make it appear like I was the one making all the mistakes and tangling things up...
I am sad about the strains my breaking and this mess has caused my relationships. Relationships that have also impacted my children. I am not the only one who has lost friends through this. I am sad about how big of a mess I was. I am sad but also still know, that then, I really was doing the best that I could. It was the first time in my life that I knew I was doing the best I could. I am not sure that I am anymore. I am stable but I am a coward and I am confused on how keep proceeding and especially on how to help my kids that have also been affected by this.
...I will miss my son terribly... I want to keep him here and plan our own adventures and work on the projects that got lost and abandoned amidst this chaos. I want to teach him and love him... But that may not be what he needs right now since he wants to rebel against me, angry about the situation, but also wants to love me and protect me and fears how his actions affect me while feeling resentment that they do. So sometimes he pushes buttons and then feels terrible about it. He is a good kid and I know deep down he wants to be the good that he is, but he needs a break from me and my brokenness... Which is very sad... and I am sad... and this is not really what I thought I needed to process, but I see now that I do in a big way.
... Yet, while it is sad,
you know what,
at least we are all big enough to admit it, face it, and do something about it, in a way that is moving forward with thoughtful regard and consideration for all parties. And ultimately I hope he knows just how much I love him and how much I appreciate his being there for me and trying to do what he could when I was fighting for my life. I appreciate how strong he is and has been and how clever and talented he is. I appreciate how capable he is and that he loves and cares for others even when it is hard. And, even though I had asked him not to, and they did use it against me (and him) the way I feared they would, I am so incredibly proud of my son for having the guts to call the institution and at least try to talk to the man he knew was responsible for the breaking his mother.
I am one lucky mom.
Saturday, June 13, 2020
Monday, June 8, 2020
Pain in the Ass. You want something to beat me up over? I'll give you something to beat me up over
I've had an upswing in reads on this blog. That is nice to see. And I really have to take that little victory today because I am so tired of taking hits in my realtime world.
Dr. Tangled, that was a kind of jerk at my follow up appointment with her, requested my husband schedule an appointment when he called asking for clarification. He scheduled it thinking she wanted to help correct whatever went wrong with that appointment. But it seems she actually wanted us to come back just so she could exert her dominance, accuse me of doing so many things wrong while at the sometime blaming the TBI but making sure I knew just how crappy she thinks I deserve to be treated. We did not feel we should have to pay for that appointment. But this morning her office manager called to let me know they will be charging for that appointment. Now remember my husband is the one who called them. I sent an brief email, but he called. He is stable and perceived as such while Dr. Tangled accused me of being anxious all of the time and other things, yet they chose to call me and not my husband.
And I am so tired of feeling like it is all my fault, I am the problem, and always to blame entirely for these omnipotent providers acting like jerks.
I think some of this may be reflective of bigger cultural problems.
But I really don't want to go into that too deep right now.
Even before this phone call (and the one that followed from the next person up the line that went about the same) I had a hard time getting out of bed because it kind of feels pointless sometimes, so this hit is at a bad time. And her office director, as nice as she seemed, had to make sure I know that Dr. Tangled does not get complaints like this. Of course she doesn't, TBI patients rarely file complaints, they usually just absorb it, feeling like they deserve it. But more than that it, I find it highly likely she is being influenced by the defamation and slandering of me in the medical records that follow me... So of course I deserve to be treated like trash, that is what I have been diagnosed as by the Neuroscience Institution that is of more significance than her practice is.
But I really don't want to go into that too deep right now.
Even before this phone call (and the one that followed from the next person up the line that went about the same) I had a hard time getting out of bed because it kind of feels pointless sometimes, so this hit is at a bad time. And her office director, as nice as she seemed, had to make sure I know that Dr. Tangled does not get complaints like this. Of course she doesn't, TBI patients rarely file complaints, they usually just absorb it, feeling like they deserve it. But more than that it, I find it highly likely she is being influenced by the defamation and slandering of me in the medical records that follow me... So of course I deserve to be treated like trash, that is what I have been diagnosed as by the Neuroscience Institution that is of more significance than her practice is.
... People are so lemming like and predictable. They repeat the same stupid patterns at every level. The same patterns are being seen on larger scales with all the insanity that is happening in the world right now. The corporations and big names are jumping quickly onto bandwagons to show how much they care when in reality they are doing nothing to help and often further perpetuating harm by jumping on bandwagons that are condemning too many people who are not bad.
Like Black Lives Matter. Of course they do, but how does Amazon stating that on their website help anyone? And how are protestors glaring, shaking their signs aggressively and yelling at us in our car as they march past helping with that? I am not on opposite sides as what they proclaim to be protesting yet they were definitely making sure I felt their wrath with me. But for what?
I am tired of people so aggressively defending their misjudgments of me. Just because you want to think I am something or one way does not make me that way.
Although this type of treatment of people does often result in, or makes it appear to result in the person turning into exactly what they are being accused of. I think the movie Zootopia covers this topic very well. People often finally give up and give in with an "if I can't beat them I might as well join them" style attitude and I see very clearly why. It is so hard to continue trying to prove that you are not what you have been wrongly labeled or accused of being especially if you know their is some accuracy and especially if the people accusing are in positions of power over you. I have mentioned this before, this happens all of the time to school children in school systems. It happens with race, it happens with poverty, it happens in families, it happens ALL THE TIME to girls and women who are sexually abused and/or exploited, and it also happens ALL THE TIME to people with "mental illness."
The most vulnerable among us are far too often blamed more than they are helped. This experience has taught me a lot about victim shaming and my eyes have been opened to just how huge of a problem it is. So victims turn into abusers themselves. Or they continue on the path that was set for them because they cannot escape the labels and misjudgments.
I don't want to be that person. I don't want to become what they want to make me out to be. I don't want to be what I have been misunderstood and misjudged to be. But I also refuse to lie down and take it anymore.
So now what?
Celebrate my small victories, keep standing up for myself and speaking out, and (as Dr. She would say) fight harder.
Yes ma'am.
Will do.
And tomorrow I will not have a hard time getting out of bed because I obviously have a job or two to do.
I WILL NOT burn out. I WILL NOT continue to allow people to treat me poorly. I WILL stand up for myself. I WILL keep speaking up and speaking out and I WILL warn others every chance I get until changes happen that also protect and help me and until I know I have done everything I can to protect every person possible from similar mistreatment.
The man up the line from Dr. Tangled's office director said they will be billing insurance but then call after we get a bill to see what we can figure out. I can tell you this, especially considering that they are still billing insurance, that if they seriously expect us to pay after the way things went then it is very unlikely that Dr. Tangled really does not get complaints like this. If I really am the only person who she has had a problem with, than waiving that bill to be rid of me is the most likely response. However, if they want to fight with a peon like me and accuse me of being the entire problem, then we all know it's not very likely that the claim that this doctor "never gets complaints like this" is true. Or she is afraid that if she lets one person "win" she will have to let all of them "win" which is usually only a fear to those who have wronged many.
...Maybe I am going to turn into the pain in the ass I have been accused of being. Maybe I need to let people see just how big of a pain in the ass I have NOT been...
I don't know but I do know I do not deserve to be treated the way that woman treated me and also be expected to pay for it.
Like Black Lives Matter. Of course they do, but how does Amazon stating that on their website help anyone? And how are protestors glaring, shaking their signs aggressively and yelling at us in our car as they march past helping with that? I am not on opposite sides as what they proclaim to be protesting yet they were definitely making sure I felt their wrath with me. But for what?
I am tired of people so aggressively defending their misjudgments of me. Just because you want to think I am something or one way does not make me that way.
Although this type of treatment of people does often result in, or makes it appear to result in the person turning into exactly what they are being accused of. I think the movie Zootopia covers this topic very well. People often finally give up and give in with an "if I can't beat them I might as well join them" style attitude and I see very clearly why. It is so hard to continue trying to prove that you are not what you have been wrongly labeled or accused of being especially if you know their is some accuracy and especially if the people accusing are in positions of power over you. I have mentioned this before, this happens all of the time to school children in school systems. It happens with race, it happens with poverty, it happens in families, it happens ALL THE TIME to girls and women who are sexually abused and/or exploited, and it also happens ALL THE TIME to people with "mental illness."
The most vulnerable among us are far too often blamed more than they are helped. This experience has taught me a lot about victim shaming and my eyes have been opened to just how huge of a problem it is. So victims turn into abusers themselves. Or they continue on the path that was set for them because they cannot escape the labels and misjudgments.
I don't want to be that person. I don't want to become what they want to make me out to be. I don't want to be what I have been misunderstood and misjudged to be. But I also refuse to lie down and take it anymore.
So now what?
Celebrate my small victories, keep standing up for myself and speaking out, and (as Dr. She would say) fight harder.
Yes ma'am.
Will do.
And tomorrow I will not have a hard time getting out of bed because I obviously have a job or two to do.
I WILL NOT burn out. I WILL NOT continue to allow people to treat me poorly. I WILL stand up for myself. I WILL keep speaking up and speaking out and I WILL warn others every chance I get until changes happen that also protect and help me and until I know I have done everything I can to protect every person possible from similar mistreatment.
The man up the line from Dr. Tangled's office director said they will be billing insurance but then call after we get a bill to see what we can figure out. I can tell you this, especially considering that they are still billing insurance, that if they seriously expect us to pay after the way things went then it is very unlikely that Dr. Tangled really does not get complaints like this. If I really am the only person who she has had a problem with, than waiving that bill to be rid of me is the most likely response. However, if they want to fight with a peon like me and accuse me of being the entire problem, then we all know it's not very likely that the claim that this doctor "never gets complaints like this" is true. Or she is afraid that if she lets one person "win" she will have to let all of them "win" which is usually only a fear to those who have wronged many.
...Maybe I am going to turn into the pain in the ass I have been accused of being. Maybe I need to let people see just how big of a pain in the ass I have NOT been...
I don't know but I do know I do not deserve to be treated the way that woman treated me and also be expected to pay for it.
Wednesday, June 3, 2020
Intertwined Rewind
"Have you ever been evaluated by a psychiatrist?" It is the question I am being asked as part of the pre-paperwork for my neuropsychological evaluation that will be done tomorrow. I think back... Have I?
Oh yes, at age 18 when I spent the night in the place in Florida... oh, and I have one other time by the doctor of the study I did to get help with what I was experiencing in a way that would keep it hidden from records. I went this route because by then I knew too well how that stuff will follow and haunt you. How opportunities will disappear and judgements will become quick, severe, and unjust. So I knew it was best to keep it as hidden as I could and going through a study would do just that. Good thing that study doctor liked me well enough to help me stay hidden for years -until I really no longer needed a psychiatrist. Do I share that now? Of course, because I was evaluated by a psychiatrist, I do remember that now, and I am no longer interested in hiding and/or burying that part of me because that has led to some trouble...
But when? The paperwork I am filling out asks for when...
I really cannot recall. I know an approximate within 5 years but thats a big spread. Then I remember this here blog and I think maybe I can find a more exact time frame...
So I find myself reading the very old stuff. A lot is the same. A lot is different. I am surprised at how the pattern of hypo-manic cycling is so similar to the manic crazy I went through- just not nearly to that same level. I am reading and remembering
...and then I am crying as I see pieces of me that were so clearly reflected back at me by that man that broke me...
I was even "okay with being wrong."
And now I am fighting words that curse God because this mess is so painful and so very confusing.
I don't want to fight that man. I don't want to be at odds with the reflections of me in the expert in the field of my life's defining trial.
It is too much.
And I hate that I have to remind myself, tell myself, or convince myself that it is not real, that he is not real. I hate that I have to keep fighting that in my head in order to escape whatever that was that I am not allowed to be a part of. I hate that I have to hate.
My story is his story in so many ways and his story saturated mine. I hate that he denies and hides after twisting things just so to make me believe that he cared and cares more than he does.
Please oh please stop professing your love by having nothing to do with me outside of therapy.
We both know it's not true so please let me off your hook, please help me break the cycle you started.
It really can be just that simple.
I don't need to keep getting burned in so many ways by the medical records that can't sort themselves out just so I can burn out for you.
Please
...and I don't know who it is reading this blog but I am certain it is NOT him... yet sometimes I still hope. Hope that he'll care, listen, soften his heart and his ego, let go of his fear and hear me.
Oh yes, at age 18 when I spent the night in the place in Florida... oh, and I have one other time by the doctor of the study I did to get help with what I was experiencing in a way that would keep it hidden from records. I went this route because by then I knew too well how that stuff will follow and haunt you. How opportunities will disappear and judgements will become quick, severe, and unjust. So I knew it was best to keep it as hidden as I could and going through a study would do just that. Good thing that study doctor liked me well enough to help me stay hidden for years -until I really no longer needed a psychiatrist. Do I share that now? Of course, because I was evaluated by a psychiatrist, I do remember that now, and I am no longer interested in hiding and/or burying that part of me because that has led to some trouble...
But when? The paperwork I am filling out asks for when...
I really cannot recall. I know an approximate within 5 years but thats a big spread. Then I remember this here blog and I think maybe I can find a more exact time frame...
So I find myself reading the very old stuff. A lot is the same. A lot is different. I am surprised at how the pattern of hypo-manic cycling is so similar to the manic crazy I went through- just not nearly to that same level. I am reading and remembering
...and then I am crying as I see pieces of me that were so clearly reflected back at me by that man that broke me...
I was even "okay with being wrong."
And now I am fighting words that curse God because this mess is so painful and so very confusing.
I don't want to fight that man. I don't want to be at odds with the reflections of me in the expert in the field of my life's defining trial.
It is too much.
And I hate that I have to remind myself, tell myself, or convince myself that it is not real, that he is not real. I hate that I have to keep fighting that in my head in order to escape whatever that was that I am not allowed to be a part of. I hate that I have to hate.
My story is his story in so many ways and his story saturated mine. I hate that he denies and hides after twisting things just so to make me believe that he cared and cares more than he does.
Please oh please stop professing your love by having nothing to do with me outside of therapy.
We both know it's not true so please let me off your hook, please help me break the cycle you started.
It really can be just that simple.
I don't need to keep getting burned in so many ways by the medical records that can't sort themselves out just so I can burn out for you.
Please
...and I don't know who it is reading this blog but I am certain it is NOT him... yet sometimes I still hope. Hope that he'll care, listen, soften his heart and his ego, let go of his fear and hear me.
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