Right now it feels like too much to untangle. I have an appointment with Dr. Untangle Neurologist tomorrow. She requested this appointment when my husband called to see if he could get some clarification from her. The fact that my husband did this at all is huge, and yet I don't really know if I can trust it at this point... so that is tangled. I feel nervous and worried about this appointment. I think I know at least some of what I need to get from it but I have no idea what to expect and I feel she has picked up some of the bias that was planted against me from the records she "poured over." So this feels tangled and ...scarey?
I have an appointment today to have my hip looked at by the right specialist... Why did the other guys waste my time and take my money if they weren't even the "right" specialists? And last guy said the tear in my hip labrum is not likely from the car accident, yet it never bothered me before that and has been an increasing chronic problem ever since. I asked if it could have been a smaller tear made worse by the car accident. He said that is very possible and to me it seems clear that it is the case because it NEVER bothered me before, but will the insurance company accept that? ...So this is tangled also.
On Wednesday I am doing a new neuropsychological evaluation with Dr. She. I am nervous about this. Part of why I am nervous is because the testing the Cognitive/Speech therapist did with me last week triggered memories of Dr. He which proved to be quite painful. It seems so silly and it caught me so off guard because obviously he is still on my mind a great deal more than I would like (any at all is too much) so I would not think new painful feelings would arise, but they did, and the worst kind of all; the endearing ones. So that is tangled.
It is also tangled because I am sensing things from Dr. She that I am not certain of but that make me nervous. I am sensing those feelings that may just be her own insecurity but that feel like the feelings I feel when someone is becoming to afraid of or displeased with me and so they are thinking of dropping me... I know, or believe, that Dr. She is not going to drop me unexpectedly, she has promised she would not, but I am sensing things that make me nervous. Things that I might be understanding better than she cares for me to so if I bring them up I risk loosing her but bringing them up just might help me figure out what I am doing to loose people when I sense these things. ... I don't know.
Also I am feeling lonely.
I want friends again. I want to do things, but I have lost some friends in very painful ways and I feel very insecure and uncertain about this.
And I want to pursue those things I have set out to do, but it feels scary and pointless because I have failed so many times.
And I don't want to fight I want to resolve. I don't actually want to be on opposite sides as the Neuroscience Institute, I want to help them help me and others, but they see me as the enemy when I am not, which makes it so I have to fight when I don't want to...
"I am always surprised at how many people want to see you fail," says my amazing cousin that has been through more than anyone should ever have to endure but has risen above and created a name and a business for herself. She is so kind and she credits others in her journey constantly. She is beautiful but humble and one hell of a boxer, yet deep down inside I know she never quite made her Olympic goal because she is too caring and considerate, kind and compassionate, so even though she is one amazing fighter, she's not about hurting others and I think she'll never punch hard enough to take away their dreams. She is younger than me so I always think of her as "girl" but she is a strong and amazing woman who I admire greatly and look up to so very much, so it kind of blew my mind that she has felt that too, that others want to see her fail and how they have treated her or things they have said to discredit or subtly undermine her efforts.
When I feels these things it often breaks me. I find it hard to even try. Sometimes it really feels like there is no longer a point to anything I do...
Yet I know this is not entirely true and I keep trying, I keep fighting...
But lately, I feel like I am fading again. Only this time I am more slowly fading into the blah of low confidence and complacency. Last time I was fading because I was not well and very broken. Last time I at least knew I was doing all that I could do. When I was fading before and told the people who were causing or heavily contributing to that fading, I at least knew, first time in my life, that I was really doing all that I could do and the best I could do. I was not beating myself up for not doing enough because I really was working hard and doing all that I could do as I was fading into the insanities and brokenness that I was. My fight was to survive... And now I want to thrive so
this time I am fading because I feel beat down and defeated. I know I can do more but I don't know that their is any point in trying since my efforts are wrought with resistance or just plain ignored. I don't feel like trying because maybe they are right about me and maybe the reality in the middle is that I have nothing of value to offer and I am not worth anyones time.
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
I want to believe in the ideal
I want to believe in me
I want to shoot for the stars and maybe hit the moon...
But maybe I shot for the stars and hit them
and now I am all burned up
because I was never a star myself
Just insignificant matter that will burn up completely and quickly in the event that I get too close to the stars I am shooting for or past.
....
.....
.......
.....
....
...and now it is time to turn it around again. Get all positive and motivated. Believe in myself or at least a higher power that I can allow to work through me
...which is very easy to tangle in our mortal frames,
so... go there or don't?
"keep fighting"
and
"fight harder"
but I don't want to be a fighter, I want to be a lover.
So...
Keep trying.
Forgive myself
and keep trying.
It is okay to be wrong. It is okay to make mistakes.
But it is not okay to be okay with being wrong and making mistakes about others that are harmful to them and then perpetuating harm instead of admitting you were wrong or that you made a mistake. It is not okay to lead others to believe that which you are wrong about simply to hide and protect yourself from the mistakes you made. It is not okay to blame and shame the other person for your wrong and your mistakes. That is really not okay and not good citizenship. It is especially wrong when you are in a position of power over the other person.
Hmmm... my bad parenting of the other day is starting to make more sense. I bess be careful that I don't become the fingers I am pointing and the frustrations I am fighting.
Psychology- so complex and yet so repetitively simple.
Monday, June 1, 2020
Wednesday, May 27, 2020
Dear Careless Therapist,
Every morning I wake up having to fight you, even this much later. It is very annoying. Especially since I am not really sure what the fight is and what it needs to look like. I just know that you are in my head when you wish me dead and I wish for you to be gone out of my head and my heart.
It is also very annoying because I don't know what the real battle is. All of that got very convoluted when you lied and denied about what was really going on with me. You would think this would make it clear to my head what the battle is but there are many things that complicate this: You are the professional with the PHD education, training, and experience. You are supposed to be the one that knows the truth and can diagnosis accurately. You are the one that is and was paid to do this. You are trusted and I trusted you. I handed over my faith and confidence to you so that you could walk me through the healing, education and understanding that I needed. I loved and trusted you. I was highly and extremely vulnerable in many ways when my brain was literally broken and damaged. I was experiencing PTSD. I was having a flooding of memories that I had suppressed or forgotten and this flooding may have been directly related to the work we had been doing to "uncover my buried story."...Many things going on to complicate and these are just a few... I also wanted to or needed to believe what you implied you felt about me; needing so desperately to be loved and accepted as some of the realities of my struggles in life were suddenly being understood through the lens of the under-treated and misunderstood TBI from my past. But the thing that convoluted most is the fact that you were actually helping me. So hard for me to fathom why you would suddenly have nothing to do with me AND try to make it appear as though I was doing wrong by trying to understand why my brain had and was breaking to the new level it was.
So many times I had told the people at your institution the things I actually was trying to solve but they blew me off, you blew me off, instead trying to pass it (and me) off under the false pretense that I was mentally ill but not in the way I was trying to explain. It was made to look like I was merely obsessed with you and that was primary to the actual and real problems that were manifesting; that of a more severe TBI that I had tried to explain again and again to so many providers and you. But nobody was listening. Instead I was branded and handed over to people who cared even less and whose job is to set things up for gaslighting and/or a corrupt cover of ass and tracks in the event that one does try to pursue legal action. You call them "office director" and "patient advocates."
I believe I could have moved on and not be battling EVERYDAY the things you said if I had not and was not experiencing the symptoms you deny and if I did not actually have the conditions you and the concussion doctor denied and/or ignored - concussion doctor who had asked to be my primary care provider for brain and car accident related injuries.
But I am stuck in this reality that you twisted and tainted for me and that follows me medically in my records. It is not very fair as I try to untangle and put together the puzzles pieces that were misinterpreted, mishandled, and misconstrued from the very beginning, not only by you and your institution but by others. Not terribly surprising the first to blow me off and misdiagnose was also an IHC provider, which does make me wonder if Concussion Dr. was covering and hiding things from the beginning.
And then lets add to it the the manic burst of energy I tried to show and explain to you. The breaking of the brain to the next level, possibly due to my ability to access that reaction out of self-preservation when what was happening was more than I could handle. When I told you I was not sure if I could go back to teaching because of the lower cognitive stamina and when I told you that my personality was still changing too much -a full year and then some, after that second blow (another thing I told you)- you simply said flatly, "you are going to have to mourn that loss," and then continued with also taking away you. Another loss for me to mourn. Another blow to my head and my heart. It was too much as memories were flooding and rational reasoning returning enough to know that I had been handling the injuries poorly by trying not to burden and cause undue expense when I was literally broken in more ways than all had assumed (or wanted to keep hidden to cover mistakes made from the start). Or was I so good at hiding and handling my injuries since I had been conditioned to for years since the first TBI because I was "one smart cookie?"
So complex.
Yet you said your life was "very complex right now," and to that I say "you have no idea." Although I am certain you do because of the lengths you were willing to go to hide whatever it is you are still trying to hide. Which is another burden on me, knowing that you are hiding and that you may also be manipulating other clients who are also broken, vulnerable, loving and trusting.
So the battles wage on. Every morning that I wake, every night as I try to fall asleep, in the day when I am reminded of you, which happens easily since you are now tied to my chemistry; a de-ja-vu when my feelings go up or down. A mess that intrigues and fascinates but that no one can quite understand... Many will dump me for it, choosing instead to blame me and jump on your wagon, because it is you they are afraid to distrust. Why? because what would that mean for them if the medical providers and/or therapists that they love and they trust were to do something similar? It is unfathomable, unthinkable and since I have long been followed by conflict and tension, misunderstood in the intelligent intensities that come with a self-solved broken brain it is much easier to say it is me anyway and escape any further ties to a woman who just might be unstable...
So unkind. So unfair. But it does not matter because I am nobody of significance and no-one I know dares speak up, no matter how many times I have put them first nor how I have loved or adored them. I have made myself second class so why would they stand up for me anyway?
Maddening and yet I understand and so I still love them regardless of how they treat me because of you... the reaffirmer of my second class status and worthlessness.
And round and round it goes.
Dear Careless Therapist, Dear John, Dear schmuck that manipulated me (me, a prime target for grooming) simply to protect himself,
I know and I understand that you don't really love me, don't care and are not nearly as brilliant as I thought. Or maybe you are but much more diabolical, manipulative and clever in your charisma than anyone else knows or dares to see and for that I am truly a threat. If I can see through you than others might too and your games will come to a disastrous end... I understand this about you but do you understand about me how very easily all of this could have been avoided if only you had been real and honest with me, if only you had not lost objectivity and/or stopped the manipulative games. I could have and would have forgiven quite quickly -I already had, so many times over.
I could have even helped you...; Although now I see how that could have been even more disastrous. Me helping you, believing in you and loving you the way that I did, would have helped you to be an even more convincing con artist as I would have pointed out the holes and the flaws that you made misunderstanding the me that I was. With my help you would have then been completely undetectable, unstoppable, and indestructible in whatever games you wanted to play with the unsuspecting, broken women that trust and love you in your position of power. Considering how this whole deal has been handled and what I have been made into by you and your facility, I see that this may be a very real possibility when prior I thought it might simply be the product of my manic broken mind.
And it saddens me. It angers me. It frustrates me because of the power you have and the responsibility and accountability that you and your institution entirely refuse when you know you were being quite reckless and you know that you have the upper hand in just about every way.
It is no wonder I wake up tired and I am annoyed with myself for still feeling the feelings I do and still wanting to believe in you and your dishonest institution.
Dear Careless therapist this is now why I want to go into your field, so I can stop abuses like this and people like you, or at least bring to light the harm your kind can and does cause when how "countertransference" is handled is so abusive and unnecessary.
Sincerely,
Erica Vellinga Saxton
I do not hide nor will I, because I have nothing to hide nor should I be ashamed or shamed by others. And because I openly invite conversation from anyone about you and this topic.
It is also very annoying because I don't know what the real battle is. All of that got very convoluted when you lied and denied about what was really going on with me. You would think this would make it clear to my head what the battle is but there are many things that complicate this: You are the professional with the PHD education, training, and experience. You are supposed to be the one that knows the truth and can diagnosis accurately. You are the one that is and was paid to do this. You are trusted and I trusted you. I handed over my faith and confidence to you so that you could walk me through the healing, education and understanding that I needed. I loved and trusted you. I was highly and extremely vulnerable in many ways when my brain was literally broken and damaged. I was experiencing PTSD. I was having a flooding of memories that I had suppressed or forgotten and this flooding may have been directly related to the work we had been doing to "uncover my buried story."...Many things going on to complicate and these are just a few... I also wanted to or needed to believe what you implied you felt about me; needing so desperately to be loved and accepted as some of the realities of my struggles in life were suddenly being understood through the lens of the under-treated and misunderstood TBI from my past. But the thing that convoluted most is the fact that you were actually helping me. So hard for me to fathom why you would suddenly have nothing to do with me AND try to make it appear as though I was doing wrong by trying to understand why my brain had and was breaking to the new level it was.
So many times I had told the people at your institution the things I actually was trying to solve but they blew me off, you blew me off, instead trying to pass it (and me) off under the false pretense that I was mentally ill but not in the way I was trying to explain. It was made to look like I was merely obsessed with you and that was primary to the actual and real problems that were manifesting; that of a more severe TBI that I had tried to explain again and again to so many providers and you. But nobody was listening. Instead I was branded and handed over to people who cared even less and whose job is to set things up for gaslighting and/or a corrupt cover of ass and tracks in the event that one does try to pursue legal action. You call them "office director" and "patient advocates."
I believe I could have moved on and not be battling EVERYDAY the things you said if I had not and was not experiencing the symptoms you deny and if I did not actually have the conditions you and the concussion doctor denied and/or ignored - concussion doctor who had asked to be my primary care provider for brain and car accident related injuries.
But I am stuck in this reality that you twisted and tainted for me and that follows me medically in my records. It is not very fair as I try to untangle and put together the puzzles pieces that were misinterpreted, mishandled, and misconstrued from the very beginning, not only by you and your institution but by others. Not terribly surprising the first to blow me off and misdiagnose was also an IHC provider, which does make me wonder if Concussion Dr. was covering and hiding things from the beginning.
And then lets add to it the the manic burst of energy I tried to show and explain to you. The breaking of the brain to the next level, possibly due to my ability to access that reaction out of self-preservation when what was happening was more than I could handle. When I told you I was not sure if I could go back to teaching because of the lower cognitive stamina and when I told you that my personality was still changing too much -a full year and then some, after that second blow (another thing I told you)- you simply said flatly, "you are going to have to mourn that loss," and then continued with also taking away you. Another loss for me to mourn. Another blow to my head and my heart. It was too much as memories were flooding and rational reasoning returning enough to know that I had been handling the injuries poorly by trying not to burden and cause undue expense when I was literally broken in more ways than all had assumed (or wanted to keep hidden to cover mistakes made from the start). Or was I so good at hiding and handling my injuries since I had been conditioned to for years since the first TBI because I was "one smart cookie?"
So complex.
Yet you said your life was "very complex right now," and to that I say "you have no idea." Although I am certain you do because of the lengths you were willing to go to hide whatever it is you are still trying to hide. Which is another burden on me, knowing that you are hiding and that you may also be manipulating other clients who are also broken, vulnerable, loving and trusting.
So the battles wage on. Every morning that I wake, every night as I try to fall asleep, in the day when I am reminded of you, which happens easily since you are now tied to my chemistry; a de-ja-vu when my feelings go up or down. A mess that intrigues and fascinates but that no one can quite understand... Many will dump me for it, choosing instead to blame me and jump on your wagon, because it is you they are afraid to distrust. Why? because what would that mean for them if the medical providers and/or therapists that they love and they trust were to do something similar? It is unfathomable, unthinkable and since I have long been followed by conflict and tension, misunderstood in the intelligent intensities that come with a self-solved broken brain it is much easier to say it is me anyway and escape any further ties to a woman who just might be unstable...
So unkind. So unfair. But it does not matter because I am nobody of significance and no-one I know dares speak up, no matter how many times I have put them first nor how I have loved or adored them. I have made myself second class so why would they stand up for me anyway?
Maddening and yet I understand and so I still love them regardless of how they treat me because of you... the reaffirmer of my second class status and worthlessness.
And round and round it goes.
Dear Careless Therapist, Dear John, Dear schmuck that manipulated me (me, a prime target for grooming) simply to protect himself,
I know and I understand that you don't really love me, don't care and are not nearly as brilliant as I thought. Or maybe you are but much more diabolical, manipulative and clever in your charisma than anyone else knows or dares to see and for that I am truly a threat. If I can see through you than others might too and your games will come to a disastrous end... I understand this about you but do you understand about me how very easily all of this could have been avoided if only you had been real and honest with me, if only you had not lost objectivity and/or stopped the manipulative games. I could have and would have forgiven quite quickly -I already had, so many times over.
I could have even helped you...; Although now I see how that could have been even more disastrous. Me helping you, believing in you and loving you the way that I did, would have helped you to be an even more convincing con artist as I would have pointed out the holes and the flaws that you made misunderstanding the me that I was. With my help you would have then been completely undetectable, unstoppable, and indestructible in whatever games you wanted to play with the unsuspecting, broken women that trust and love you in your position of power. Considering how this whole deal has been handled and what I have been made into by you and your facility, I see that this may be a very real possibility when prior I thought it might simply be the product of my manic broken mind.
And it saddens me. It angers me. It frustrates me because of the power you have and the responsibility and accountability that you and your institution entirely refuse when you know you were being quite reckless and you know that you have the upper hand in just about every way.
It is no wonder I wake up tired and I am annoyed with myself for still feeling the feelings I do and still wanting to believe in you and your dishonest institution.
Dear Careless therapist this is now why I want to go into your field, so I can stop abuses like this and people like you, or at least bring to light the harm your kind can and does cause when how "countertransference" is handled is so abusive and unnecessary.
Sincerely,
Erica Vellinga Saxton
I do not hide nor will I, because I have nothing to hide nor should I be ashamed or shamed by others. And because I openly invite conversation from anyone about you and this topic.
Tuesday, May 26, 2020
-tired head poetry
At the end of my journey. I care to think.
But it seems never ending because of the shrink
ing of my brain
that really has happened.
Evidence proven on the MRI although I knew all along
but still wanted to deny.
Because then I don't have to think
about snowboarding and riding
motorcycles
or other cycles
across treacherous terrain.
And I can just keep pretending, just like everyone else,
that I really am just fine.
Miraculously recovered because neurologist 1, Dr. Church, who killed himself by-the-way, did say he was very pleased with how my young self was doing.
That was enough. Satisfied the parents. No need for anything else.
...then hit again.
Still intelligent when the
"One smart cookie" I was
said, "you should have seen me before."
because I was more.
more brain power and size
not shrunk from broadside
hit of the airbag that deployed all of its forces to "protect" my face...
"protectors" now all the deflectors of my care
protecting turned into betray.
Trust who I must
turned into dust
and I am left grabbing at thin air.
Which just isn't fair.
so unaware
of how harmful their games really are?
But they know. evidence in just how far they will go
to cover the freak show they carelessly continue to grow.
My head is tired. Tired of spinning and trying to sort all the pieces of
the culminating event. the yin and the yang, the messages playing out just as clear as the days they belonged to.
I don't understand the carelessness of that man and it breaks me again and again. I want him to be gone and my brain to be sane entirely again. but the sane and insane to contain will always remain because the feign of the trained was entirely too much for my broken brain that wanted to believe the feign and the game.
Untangle the tangles that you are not allowed to touch... Sort out with the sorts that are out.
Its not fair
and so unaware
of just how vulnerable you are
when you are hit by a car
and then people will take things too far
while defensively claiming you are,
At a time and in a place where all will agree
that blaming the client shan't be.
Countertransference implied
and then denied
Why does he hide
with no explanation or apology for the now implied misunderstanding?
So bizarre
the cancer you are
to my head
you are determined
to have dead.
"not I," said the kitten
when the big red rooster asked "who will help me let it burn out?"
...but "not I" is a lie because I did at least try
but I just could not help me die.
Even when God says
I maybe should try
to be all that is asked by this guy.
...that I know has talent and skill for the mentally ill that are that way due to TBI...
...But I will not try! thanks to Jesus man guy from the institution of younger years
And I will not try because I would rather not die
and I would rather like to believe
in the way we can change the world for the better by helping each other,
and sharing our truths no matter how hard it may be and
the reality of the ostracizing and stigmatizing that must be faced in order to be the change I must be to help proceed with the change I wish to see in this world.
To be or not to be? Die for a cause or live for change?
that is the real question
And still I know the quickest way to kill fantasy is through reality
and maybe, just maybe, that is really who/what needs to die
the fantasy of that guy
and the amassed amount or manic emotions and memories
But he will not let the fantasy die, no matter how hard I try
the fantasy won't die
because reality is absent
...because very well I present?
when I am presenting.
Maybe he still wants the fantasy to cling to-
better I die than the imaginary, the presentation of my flattery,
And the pride inside
of the egos' held by "the best"
But it seems never ending because of the shrink
ing of my brain
that really has happened.
Evidence proven on the MRI although I knew all along
but still wanted to deny.
Because then I don't have to think
about snowboarding and riding
motorcycles
or other cycles
across treacherous terrain.
And I can just keep pretending, just like everyone else,
that I really am just fine.
Miraculously recovered because neurologist 1, Dr. Church, who killed himself by-the-way, did say he was very pleased with how my young self was doing.
That was enough. Satisfied the parents. No need for anything else.
...then hit again.
Still intelligent when the
"One smart cookie" I was
said, "you should have seen me before."
because I was more.
more brain power and size
not shrunk from broadside
hit of the airbag that deployed all of its forces to "protect" my face...
"protectors" now all the deflectors of my care
protecting turned into betray.
Trust who I must
turned into dust
and I am left grabbing at thin air.
Which just isn't fair.
so unaware
of how harmful their games really are?
But they know. evidence in just how far they will go
to cover the freak show they carelessly continue to grow.
My head is tired. Tired of spinning and trying to sort all the pieces of
the culminating event. the yin and the yang, the messages playing out just as clear as the days they belonged to.
I don't understand the carelessness of that man and it breaks me again and again. I want him to be gone and my brain to be sane entirely again. but the sane and insane to contain will always remain because the feign of the trained was entirely too much for my broken brain that wanted to believe the feign and the game.
Untangle the tangles that you are not allowed to touch... Sort out with the sorts that are out.
Its not fair
and so unaware
of just how vulnerable you are
when you are hit by a car
and then people will take things too far
while defensively claiming you are,
At a time and in a place where all will agree
that blaming the client shan't be.
Countertransference implied
and then denied
Why does he hide
with no explanation or apology for the now implied misunderstanding?
So bizarre
the cancer you are
to my head
you are determined
to have dead.
"not I," said the kitten
when the big red rooster asked "who will help me let it burn out?"
...but "not I" is a lie because I did at least try
but I just could not help me die.
Even when God says
I maybe should try
to be all that is asked by this guy.
...that I know has talent and skill for the mentally ill that are that way due to TBI...
...But I will not try! thanks to Jesus man guy from the institution of younger years
And I will not try because I would rather not die
and I would rather like to believe
in the way we can change the world for the better by helping each other,
and sharing our truths no matter how hard it may be and
the reality of the ostracizing and stigmatizing that must be faced in order to be the change I must be to help proceed with the change I wish to see in this world.
To be or not to be? Die for a cause or live for change?
that is the real question
And still I know the quickest way to kill fantasy is through reality
and maybe, just maybe, that is really who/what needs to die
the fantasy of that guy
and the amassed amount or manic emotions and memories
But he will not let the fantasy die, no matter how hard I try
the fantasy won't die
because reality is absent
...because very well I present?
when I am presenting.
Maybe he still wants the fantasy to cling to-
better I die than the imaginary, the presentation of my flattery,
And the pride inside
of the egos' held by "the best"
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