Burning Out just for you J P

If I am being perfectly honest, lately I find myself being a touch jealous of my younger cousin that dropped dead in the middle of the night.

And then I feel torn between living harder or trying to find that homeostatic balance that will keep me around for longer. 

My mom used to tease me that I was like, "Look at me. No don't look at me." and that is kind of an accurate description of how I am. I want to speak out but I don't want it to be the Look at Me show and I don't really want the attention or maybe it is the expectations I don't want. Also when I have problematic symptoms I mention them so subtle at first, but if continues I bring it up more plainly but then I instantly hide and shy away from addressing them.

I want to be done, I want to quit and yet I mostly don't. But even in those times when I really want to quit I still keep fighting.

Like today. I needed to get a new blood test done. Turns out my concern about the initial blood draw being done later than it should have been done was valid. The doctor said that my cortisol was a little low but he felt that it was likely fine since I had done the draw later than I was supposed to. The lab tech thought it would be fine so I went along with it but it did not sit well so I decided to go back and have blood drawn again at the correct time. Dr. Endocrine did not have the results back form the second draw by the time I had my follow up appointment with him. He told me he thought it would show normal since everything else had and cortisol drops throughout the day, but he would get back to me if there was any discrepancy with sthe second draw. I questioned a lot about it. And depending on whether you are one who is hopping for my thriving survival or you are one who feels the way the Intermountain Neuroscience Institute feels and would rather I die, that was a good or bad thing because as it turns out, the second draw showed cortisol as definitely low. 

This does not surprise me. I was in fight or flight crazy manic/bipolar cycling for so long and the trauma that the Intermountain Neuroscience Institute was causing and/or exacerbating was so insane that nobodies endocrine system can keep functioning properly. 

They literally were burning me out.

So now a new blood test has to be done and we need to find out if and what mechanism is failing, or something like that. 

But, going back to the honesty I started with, I find myself wondering if I really should even worry about it. I can just let myself go. But it does sound like a very slow and boring death... and I suppose, maybe what keeps bringing my fight back is that if I am going to be alive I want a decent quality of life. I don't want to fight just to survive, I want to thrive if I have to be alive.

And now I will loop again back to my systems that seem to be breaking down from all of this trauma

Seizures

the EEG showed evidence and I had been a touch suspicious before that. However I did not want to admit or face that entirely so I do what I didn't know that I do so well and have downplayed and hiden that mostly. I especially am fearful of facing the possibility of seizures because the mood stabilizer I am on, quetiapine, "can reduce seizure threshold" and I genuinely fear messing with the medication that has been so very helpful and that has brought more stability and sanity back. 

But the other night, actually 4:30am, I was awakened by a convulsion that was so strong it hurt my back and the images inside my head shaking severely as if my brain were shot circuiting or an actual clip from certain 90's rock music videos. This time I could not deny it nor pretend that maybe it was not a seizure. I did a little reading online and it all seems to confirm that. I found that seizures can be referred to as electrical storms and I found myself thinking, "Yep, that is a good description." 

But now what?

I had an appointment with psychiatric PA and she is concerned about the seizures so she once again sent the referral to the University Hospital neurologist. She really wants me to have a neurologist to coordinate with and overseeing treatment. She will consult with Dr. Odd for now but we both (and my children who have meet him especially) agree that he is not the best fit for me since he clearly does not like to handle TBI related stuff. 

However, the neurologist providers she is associated with called today to let me know they got the referral and to check my insurance, only to find that they don't take my insurance. SIGH...

Guess who does, and who they have actually suggested I go to instead the last time they called about the referral... 

So am stuck in this crazy loop unable to get to the neurologists I need. 

and half the time I'm like, who gives a shit (because really, who does) I am tired of fighting and trying anyway, while the other half the time I'm like "I want to live!" and seizures get in the way.

It's almost as if I am in a "give me liberty or give me death" kind of position.

whatever.

And life is so much more complex than even this. 

But I'll save that for another day.

Although I would like to share a theory I have about the quetaipine and the seizure activity. 

Maybe it is not getting rid of mania but rather reformatting it. Since that manic energy is no longer coming out, but maybe it still needs to, so it now comes out in an angry electrifying seizure burst. 

Maybe Quetiapine just reformats the mania into seizures. 

And then it turns into a game of "would you rather"

But the most annoying and disturbing part is that if the damn Intermountain Neuroscience Institute would have listened to me and treated me appropriately when I was manic and trying to figure that out while trying to protect the neuropsychologist that broke me, it is highly likely my brain would not be responding in this way. 

The stress and trauma is resulting in my brain literally shutting down.

Thanks * (names removed)* and the he-who-shall-not-be-named coward of a medical director. Thank you so much! you are so kind and caring. 

And even better, they decided to sick a lawyer on me threatening to and criminalize me and sue me for seeking clarification, understanding, resolution, and even medical care. 

It's disgusting. 

And I will not be silenced**. 

Give me Justice or Give me death! 

(because death is happening anyway)

* names removed because they can and have lied and they will use it against me, that much I know is real.
**Actually I am being silenced. They are they hold the power the money and the all of the cards and they have made false allegations and set things up so they could criminalize and penalize me for speaking up, speaking up and standing up for myself. It is very disgusting and disturbing. 

Apologies needed

I have this idea... maybe it is an ideal.
I want to write out my story of breaking under the care of a therapist and I want to write it now, from my perspective, from the client side of the couch
and then go back to school to get a degree in psychology or neuropsychology myself then write from that perspective, tackling the slew of subjects tied to my particular experience. i.e. mania, ptsd, memory flooding, emotional childhood neglect, transference-countertransference, therapist boundary violations, bad medical and APA policies, grooming vs mutual relationships, etc.
I want to tackle in research and practice how countertransference, therapist attachment, boundary violations, dual relationships, and/or mistakes are handled.
And I have been writing plenty for processing, thinking it is good practice and might help in writing the book.
I have thought I have gotten to a place where I think I can handle this emotionally challenging task...
But it is not easy.
I expected that.
But I am wondering if I really am capable of tackling such a feat...
I am not feeling so capable.
It is so complex and messy.
It is so painful and the unresolved injustices become so raw biting.
maybe this undertaking helps explain some of my recent entries...

My 16 year old daughter has been having boy challenges lately. She is currently dating the very close friend of the boy she was kind of dating that she really liked but suddenly just stopped talking to her. It hurt her so much. At times, I have encouraged her to try talking to the boy about it to which she would respond, "No, I am not going to, it's on him." It made sense that she did not want to try and I realized that sometimes the harder we try to gain understanding or get some sort of closure the worse people treat us. I know this very personally so you would think I would stop trying and know better than to even suggest it, and yet it sucks to see her hurt so much from the stonewalling and lack of communication.
She and both still ran in the same circles and it sounds as if they have been cordial but she felt so diminished by his seemingly complete denial of the relationship and  his unconcern with the pain he had caused that it would cut and sting her almost daily.
But last night something very simple happened and today she seems more solidly turned around and much more surefooted.
Today she is happy and keeps repeating, "I feel so relieved and I feel so much better" and I am confident this burden lighting from her is going to hold.
What simple thing happened?
This boy simply said, "I am sorry I hurt you."
She did not need an explanation, she did not need the relationship to be repaired but in his acknowledging her pain and the part he played and in apologizing he let her know that she is cared for and valued. He let her know that she matters and her pain is valid. He let her know that it was not that she was too flawed and not worth his time. He spoke so many things to her heartbroken soul in that simple little apology.
And I am so happy for my beautiful baby girl and I am proud of her strength and resilience. I also feel a sliver of hope for this up and coming generation that I feel so much concern for having assumed that their social media and electronic filled lives may have killed their abilities to communicate effectively or even at all.
Maybe, just maybe, they can teach us a thing or two. Maybe the medical industry and APA can learn a thing or two for these kids.
 I bet you can also see that it hurts knowing that my adult and professional peers do not see the need for anything like this for me. It is dehumanizing and re-victimizing that they not only would offer no apology but would even try to criminalize me for their mistakes and misdiagnosis.
So it is raw and painful and I don't know that I can handle writing a book about it then being unheard, dismissed, and unappreciated with that too.

I wish I had those last few sessions recorded; the intensity was insane and it changed me.
I wish I could illustrate and explain the insanity and intensity that followed, how I behaved, and how I was treated for it. I wish I could paint or write the picture to the degree of intensity that only a truly talented manic mind could create.
I wish I could help people see through the delusions they hold so dearly about the medical and psychological industries, about the people in power positions. I want to gain justice, fairness, and restitution for those who have been so pointlessly hurt by them. I wish I could...

But maybe I will simply allow this blog to be that book.
a kersplat, splat kind of telling of a very complex and profound story...
Because revisiting is far too painful still...
 and plain and simple: I do not have the confidence or connections.

...."unfortunately there is still a human element to all of this"
But my "get[ting] hung up on something" was not done the way that was expected or desired of me and for it I have been very harshly punished.

this next part I hesitate to say but it is the reality we all know, the reality I keep trying to deny and trying to fight against. The reality I keep trying to hope away:
Apologies would be greatly appreciated.
But, just as everyone says, they never will.
and  just as they knew I would, I will eventually burn out and they will not likely have to face up to any of it while my family will have payed their bills for the harm.
I just don't understand how they sleep at night.

Stupid is as stupid does, Welcome to the American Psychological Association.

I think I have some real problems with the industry of blasphemy... I think the people who write the rules are maybe really stupid or egocentric power trippers. The New Nazis.
I think to enter the industry but then I feel entirely turned off.
I am not sure I can fight that up hill battle against people who can't see their own narcissistic power tripping abuses.
It annoys me to the extreme that they claim to always have the patient/clients best interest placed first but then they say the way to handle a countertransference or mistaken attachment of their own is to stone wall. They determine every aspect of the therapist-client relationships and if you don't follow the pattern they want then they discard and it is 100% on their terms only. No negotiating, no compromise, doesn't matter that you have been helping them pay their bills, it is their terms only.
HOW DO THEY NOT SEE THAT THIS IS THE EPITOME OF AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP?
"I told you not to try and solve this"
"I will never have anything to do with you outside of therapy"
I still need you, ...you can still help me. 
"I am no longer your therapist"
Please don't close the door on me completely
Wait, you weren't following your own research and rules with me, and I have unanswered questions about what is happening to my head and the testing you did. 
"You have continued to try to contact me... I will not respond"
...
It is so very very wrong.
Abuse over clarification
The stigmatizing in this kind of ostracizing is ludicrous. The insanity of those that claim power and privilege of sane is astounding and dumbfounding.
"They don't want you to break delusions," my friend reminds me.
Yes, this is true.
Sometime I am just so tired of fighting in my head what could have easily been settled and laid to rest by real life communication, the very thing that that whole damn industry claims to be the experts in. Sometimes becoming an expert causes people to lose touch with the common folk and often people lose their common sense with the increasing of their ego's...

I hate the industry right now as I keep trying to fight the insanities they fed in my head.
sometimes I just want to give in
and I hate that I understand so well how suicide can win.
It seems that no amount of medication can undo the reality of their insanity feedings.
I hate them very, very much right now.

"Let them eat cake"
and your head I shall take.

And this all needs to said
so that I don't drop dead