I'm still dragging my feet...
and I am sad and scared
I am sad because of all of it
I am scared because I don't know what to expect from myself and what is realistic for me. I am scared because my brain and chemistry got so very messed up and I felt it so very intense for so long but I was ignored and disregarded and punished, branded and vilified for being honest and managing or presenting well when I was quite broken. For doing exactly what the therapist are hoping to help people accomplish.
I am scared because I know mental illness does not get better with age. I am scared because I have been so discarded and disregarded by the professional that should know how to handle me.
I am scared because my brain still malfunctions.
I know I am not alone and I am likely better off then even the completely stable because I am so aware of my holes and my flaws. I will be able to see the breaks and crises's coming as I age, when for them it will come as a surprise with little experience to know how to manage.
So that is a good thing for me.
But what do I do about the professionals that abused? I think I can't just let this slide, because new dear friends of mine almost died... from similar neglect, stigmatizing and misdiagnosis.
But tired this battle makes my head.
and tired so many other things also
so slow I will continue to go
not knowing what and why
but proceeding with what was laid out
I am sad to say that they treated me that way because it really makes it appear that dear Perri was grooming.
I can tell you just how a psychologist might get his patient to take off their clothes without it seeming it was ever their suggestion. I can tell you this because I did not but from what I have read and what I have experienced and then the way that he hid and manipulated to make it look as though I was pursuing. The patient advocate, **, (I will refrain from adding the not so nice adjectives that I feel right now) said that I am "quite creative" but the thing is (and if you have seen my art then you know) that I really am not, I was simply relaying what happened. I can tell you how now because I see, with the exception of me, how his words and his actions would work very easily on other women who had head injury and presented the way that I had.
Why am I the exception? For many reasons, but ironically, number one is the very thing he could have banked on to make easy progress; TBI. He forgot or did not realize that mine I have been handling since I was 12 years old. I had worked very hard with, high moral standards, to gain and stay in control of my emotions and inhibitions and part of how I do that is by talking and being far too open and honest in the places I know it won't be missed (email, in this case). I have also always been easily comfortable with men and, broken the way I was from relationships and neglect, I did not perceive myself as a women that men would find attractive enough to act on. Which could have made me a more prime target yet also could be why his plans backfired, I internalize and accept responsibility blaming myself for far too much far too often, so by bringing to light just how I had broken I brought to light his transgressions without even knowing I was...
Sadly it is a possibility that at this point should not be disregarded.... I know because no one who loves you and is supposed to be your protector, not because of personal but professional obligations, would ever treat a person or allow a person to be treated the way that I have been treated.... I also know because how I was effected. Some stuff I have not shared here and maybe with nobody, because it is to profound, wrong, and confusing.
And I hate that I am going to have to keep remembering and telling myself these things to make it through this final stretch and make sure they are somehow help accountable.
No one should ever have to endure the months of crazy, abuse, neglect, hurt, and unstable when the problem and solution could have been addressed so simply and easily at the beginning but was not simply because they did not want to admit or be held accountable for their mistakes.
Wednesday, October 23, 2019
Tuesday, October 22, 2019
A thing or two about yesterday
Yesterday I wrote three entries and this is interesting because my intensity/chemistry has settled significantly, which historically (in the last 11 months of this blog) only has happened on days that I have felt too intense and the processing was a very needed relief.
I am not sure if yesterday was just more needed then I realized or if the scenarios I was processing seemed significant and important to my rational brain.
I really don't want to analyze it too deeply, all three entries helped me process very quickly things that I am trying to deal with and handle.
But a bit of fill-in might be helpful to followers and the industry of blasphemy itself (or at least those in it that are not actually blasphemous).
Off-putting, I already explained, came form a conversation with a friend but I want it to be very clear that it was simply a term that I grabbed hold of and my brain took artistic liberties with because it seemed to fit in with my processing and something I have long been unable to pinpoint, so the exploration of that word and how it ties to me had little (to nothing) to do with my friend and our conversation.
*side note: today Dr. She and I talked about off-putting and she wanted me to think of the opposite. It'd be something like appeasing and (she suggested) it can even at times be deceiving; so off-putting is often necessary honesty.
I also reached out to one of the people who has much more voice and influence than I and said he disagreed with, "IHC can do what they want." He felt he might be able to help find someone who will hold them accountable. He gave me a number and some hope... but that hope led to the second entry about how difficult it is to proceed.
But then, going onto my email to get that number, I saw that a different lawyer I had reached out to had responded and as I read about how "Unfortunately, as a result of these "tort reform efforts" fewer and fewer people are able to recover for their injuries, and negligent healthcare providers escape responsibility-even in serious cases such as yours."
I am sure the paragraph this is pulled from is a stock answer and who knows if they think anything serious, however I know what I have been through and how I was treated and I know that the patient advocate and the team that had branded me must also have known how easily they would be off the hook, so that really hit hard and I was feeling quite low, again with the feelings of "lets really drive her worthlessness home."
But fortunately their is a God in heaven and at some point yesterday I noticed my Instagram request to the lady I was afraid had lost her battle was answered and my following accepted. So somehow in that hit down I also found a message directly from her and I know that she is still alive, not doing so well, but alive and trying again to heal once again.
The hit was still hard -but good news to ease some - I took once again to blogging and in "Solved" I did just that, lots of solving. I apologize for my language though I am leaving it their because the authenticity of that moment of rapid processing and healing has its place and anger is what pulled me through quickly this time. Okay, that coupled with the miracles of modern medicine.
So there you are, even anger has it's place, just ask the merchants who got thrown out of the temple by the only perfect being who has walked this earth.
And I am glad I do have a team that, though new and a bit confused by the trouble the old stupid teams has caused me, are helping me to keep getting back up.
Knocked down 100 times get up 101!
Oh thank you Chumbawamba
and I think I have to add this song that followed
...because for a moment in time, I am fairly certain this was me and it makes me smile. (but not high)
She's so high
I am not sure if yesterday was just more needed then I realized or if the scenarios I was processing seemed significant and important to my rational brain.
I really don't want to analyze it too deeply, all three entries helped me process very quickly things that I am trying to deal with and handle.
But a bit of fill-in might be helpful to followers and the industry of blasphemy itself (or at least those in it that are not actually blasphemous).
Off-putting, I already explained, came form a conversation with a friend but I want it to be very clear that it was simply a term that I grabbed hold of and my brain took artistic liberties with because it seemed to fit in with my processing and something I have long been unable to pinpoint, so the exploration of that word and how it ties to me had little (to nothing) to do with my friend and our conversation.
*side note: today Dr. She and I talked about off-putting and she wanted me to think of the opposite. It'd be something like appeasing and (she suggested) it can even at times be deceiving; so off-putting is often necessary honesty.
I also reached out to one of the people who has much more voice and influence than I and said he disagreed with, "IHC can do what they want." He felt he might be able to help find someone who will hold them accountable. He gave me a number and some hope... but that hope led to the second entry about how difficult it is to proceed.
But then, going onto my email to get that number, I saw that a different lawyer I had reached out to had responded and as I read about how "Unfortunately, as a result of these "tort reform efforts" fewer and fewer people are able to recover for their injuries, and negligent healthcare providers escape responsibility-even in serious cases such as yours."
I am sure the paragraph this is pulled from is a stock answer and who knows if they think anything serious, however I know what I have been through and how I was treated and I know that the patient advocate and the team that had branded me must also have known how easily they would be off the hook, so that really hit hard and I was feeling quite low, again with the feelings of "lets really drive her worthlessness home."
But fortunately their is a God in heaven and at some point yesterday I noticed my Instagram request to the lady I was afraid had lost her battle was answered and my following accepted. So somehow in that hit down I also found a message directly from her and I know that she is still alive, not doing so well, but alive and trying again to heal once again.
The hit was still hard -but good news to ease some - I took once again to blogging and in "Solved" I did just that, lots of solving. I apologize for my language though I am leaving it their because the authenticity of that moment of rapid processing and healing has its place and anger is what pulled me through quickly this time. Okay, that coupled with the miracles of modern medicine.
So there you are, even anger has it's place, just ask the merchants who got thrown out of the temple by the only perfect being who has walked this earth.
And I am glad I do have a team that, though new and a bit confused by the trouble the old stupid teams has caused me, are helping me to keep getting back up.
Knocked down 100 times get up 101!
Oh thank you Chumbawamba
and I think I have to add this song that followed
...because for a moment in time, I am fairly certain this was me and it makes me smile. (but not high)
She's so high
Monday, October 21, 2019
Solved
I heard back from a lawyer. They can't help me, because it is too costly and basically everything everyone has said is true; they are IHC and they will do what they want. So it is especially stupid that he would not and will not even apologize and they were such jerks in how they treated me. They did because they could be and they knew they could get away with it.
hmmm, that makes me feel even better about myself!
No, no it does not.
Now is when I will be real put-offish (and I know I am overusing that term today)
but doesn't really matter what I say, how nice I try to be, I'm not worth shit and they wanted to be sure that I knew it
WELL FUCK YOU Neuroscience Institute in Murray Utah!!!
AND SORRY DR. HE IT WON'T BE IN THAT WAY
what an unbelievable ass and coward, what a shit and what a fucked up manipulative man.
And you women of the Neuroscience Institute in Murray Utah
aughh... I can't even waste my breath on how pathetic you are, the harem of precious sweet Dr. He.
He has played you, you fools and what ever ass of a "director" who won't even be named, what a coward.
And yet, that said, a bit empowered I am feeling that they were so damned scared of little old me, knowing what they know about head injury and the laws that are stacked in their favor!
HAH
you stupid dumb jackasses!
and maybe I should not publish because certainly I will offend but in this moment I just don't give a shit.
Not that I wanted to sue but the fact that they really can just get away with this shit and treat me like trash when I wasn't, but was very broken and needed their paid for expertise is... disgusting. and their stupid paranoia liability labeling is immature, unprofessional and straight up wrong.
I WAS NOT A LIABILITY I WAS MANIC YOU IDIOTS, the liability should have been in not treating. Your games I do not understand but I think maybe you really are just plain stupid and no degree or PHD will ever cover or disprove that.
...settling now.
poor sad PHD and MD and Directors, you have worked so hard to prove yourselves just to be tripped up by a sad little screwed up brain damaged nobody like me.
HAHA HAHA HA
Sorry friends about my offensive language and rant here but tonight I will let it be, because in it I processed and I feel happy as I am further pushing away from the insanity of the fake institution that simply capitalizes on others' tragedies.
Solved.
Now why was I dragging my feet for so long to contact the lawyers they way they kept pushing me to?
Because I am a fool and I again trusted them and cared and I believed them yet again in their lies that I was truly a liability and someone that they should fear because of the mistakes they knew they had made.
No more believing in them, they are cowards that played games to prove their self appointed god status that they think should never be questioned. They had to make sure I knew that the imbalance of power would remain in their favor no matter the cost to me.
Oooh so sweet and caring the medical and IHC industry.
Solved again.
No more care for you.
Now on to my next big adventure
BRING DOWN THE WHOLE DAMN INDUSTRY!!!!
And I say that with a laugh and a smile
because that is what I do- and now I know that I know better then those schmucks or they really are quite the frauds.
I know TBI and I know manic and I know when help is needed and I know how they can mess with and mess up your head. and sadly I know that they will just to cover their paranoid-arrogant asses.
To anyone reading, don't trust them. They are not there to help you, they are simply there to collect a fat pay check.
now to publish or not?
sever
the ties
completely
...but that is what they want...
hmmm
now don't head down that rabbit whole
sever
without it being my head.
I will not die for you today or ever because you are not the gods you that think you are
hmmm, that makes me feel even better about myself!
No, no it does not.
Now is when I will be real put-offish (and I know I am overusing that term today)
but doesn't really matter what I say, how nice I try to be, I'm not worth shit and they wanted to be sure that I knew it
WELL FUCK YOU Neuroscience Institute in Murray Utah!!!
AND SORRY DR. HE IT WON'T BE IN THAT WAY
what an unbelievable ass and coward, what a shit and what a fucked up manipulative man.
And you women of the Neuroscience Institute in Murray Utah
aughh... I can't even waste my breath on how pathetic you are, the harem of precious sweet Dr. He.
He has played you, you fools and what ever ass of a "director" who won't even be named, what a coward.
And yet, that said, a bit empowered I am feeling that they were so damned scared of little old me, knowing what they know about head injury and the laws that are stacked in their favor!
HAH
you stupid dumb jackasses!
and maybe I should not publish because certainly I will offend but in this moment I just don't give a shit.
Not that I wanted to sue but the fact that they really can just get away with this shit and treat me like trash when I wasn't, but was very broken and needed their paid for expertise is... disgusting. and their stupid paranoia liability labeling is immature, unprofessional and straight up wrong.
I WAS NOT A LIABILITY I WAS MANIC YOU IDIOTS, the liability should have been in not treating. Your games I do not understand but I think maybe you really are just plain stupid and no degree or PHD will ever cover or disprove that.
...settling now.
poor sad PHD and MD and Directors, you have worked so hard to prove yourselves just to be tripped up by a sad little screwed up brain damaged nobody like me.
HAHA HAHA HA
Sorry friends about my offensive language and rant here but tonight I will let it be, because in it I processed and I feel happy as I am further pushing away from the insanity of the fake institution that simply capitalizes on others' tragedies.
Solved.
Now why was I dragging my feet for so long to contact the lawyers they way they kept pushing me to?
Because I am a fool and I again trusted them and cared and I believed them yet again in their lies that I was truly a liability and someone that they should fear because of the mistakes they knew they had made.
No more believing in them, they are cowards that played games to prove their self appointed god status that they think should never be questioned. They had to make sure I knew that the imbalance of power would remain in their favor no matter the cost to me.
Oooh so sweet and caring the medical and IHC industry.
Solved again.
No more care for you.
Now on to my next big adventure
BRING DOWN THE WHOLE DAMN INDUSTRY!!!!
And I say that with a laugh and a smile
because that is what I do- and now I know that I know better then those schmucks or they really are quite the frauds.
I know TBI and I know manic and I know when help is needed and I know how they can mess with and mess up your head. and sadly I know that they will just to cover their paranoid-arrogant asses.
To anyone reading, don't trust them. They are not there to help you, they are simply there to collect a fat pay check.
now to publish or not?
sever
the ties
completely
...but that is what they want...
hmmm
now don't head down that rabbit whole
sever
without it being my head.
I will not die for you today or ever because you are not the gods you that think you are
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