Dear John, ... Love, God

6/11/2019 4:22am

I’ve been lying awake for some time now. Even though so many people have told me there is nothing you can do, (the giant IHC will do what they want) I am still in shock. It baffles me that they have faked so much and gone so far and accept no responsibility, will admit no wrong doing.  

As I am lying awake I think of my meme: Not Maniac? Then God really does have a message for you. 

And I think of his lack of reply when I asked “Do you think I have been here playing games with you this whole time?”

I think of how this seems to drive that final nail of evidence that he was. 

I think about his comment, “I don’t believe in forever anymore”

And of the chakra visible Yin and Yang that appeared in his office 

God's message to him through me may look something like this:

I do. and I’ll find you in forever 
but like the unicorn on your couch, you will be lost in outer darkness not believing in your own existence. 

When I find you, I’ll feel like a God to you as I pull you out of your darkness 

and As you realize your truth,

The truth that will either free us both from the lies of this situation 

Or that will burn you up. 

A burn that will ignite inside of you to the degree of Hell.

The burn that I have felt an inkling of as you lit and played with the fire of my personal chemistry. 

I was not your personal chemistry set. 
I am not a toy.

And though you helped me realize

That I am simply human and allowed to be

-That I do not wish to be a god and do not have to be-

I will feel like One to you 

as I reach for you 

and your truths are revealed.

So… will you deny my mania?

The way you have denied connection

The way you deny responsibility for the mess you know I should not be blamed for?

It’d be so much easier if I were devoid of the symptoms you deny

Then I could forget 

And I would not need to solve

But alas, the sad reality is that I am not.

And that I am not David

Though I might now go looking for him 

To bring down the Goliath that you hide behind.

So, dear friend, was I manic or not?

Or is this too deep for you the way those potentially troublesome emails were too deep for your superiors? [Now what were you so worried about? Or did you have to work to manipulate them to overlook it ...kind of like the way you manipulated me?…Hoping you could alter what I was seeing when you knew I was seeing right through you -when you knew before I did …because I am/was slow at processing new information in the time of my broken brain. Too bad I know so many tricks. Too bad I have the experience you now call “prior undisclosed”]

Will this be your reality? Or will you find God again? 

I hope you will find God, because he loves you so much more than I do.

(and only He can save you from this hell you have created)

Thor

this draft is a bit messy but I'm publishing anyway because its a good segue into the next, and this blog is about letting it come out how it will anyway.
6/9/2019 9:55 driving home
I have written about so many different things in so many different places lately and for so many different audiences that I am not sure if I have written about this here, on the blog:

“You are very intuitive” is in my head. It wants to be written about and published.

Intuition is something I had to, -or maybe not “had to” but simply- learned to, rely on as neuroplasticity was occurring in response to my young TBI.

I have said this before. Have I said it here? I could spend time looking back or I can repeat. …It is funny how we call some repetition rumination. Repetition is a very effective learning tool. In many forms we call it practice. So at what point does repetition become rumination? And at what point does what we learn, realize, observe, absorb, feel and sense become intuition?

My intuition is pretty good at this point. But so is my ability to explore possibilities. The more times one swings a hammer the more likely they are to hit the nail on the head.

Swinging the hammer?

This is a new thought…

Swinging the hammer so many times is more likely hit the nail on the head but it is also more likely to create a few holes in the wall. …
Don’t leave a hammer in the hands of an undisciplined swinging child?
Stop swinging the hammer, recenter, focus on the nail, test at close range, then again further and further as you your strike becomes more presise ? Thus driving the nail in with intention?
So many possible analogies and directions, lessons that can be learned.
Driving the nail
The final nail
…Left to drive this nail into my own coffin?
Maybe I don’t want to hit the nail on the head
Maybe take the nail out
Maybe then the swinging hard and fast is appropriate
Because in the coffin is not where I belong

If you have to drive the nail into the coffin of the child that is not dead then keep the hammer in the hands of the wild swinging child. Let them break the coffin, all on their own, when you know you can’t. when your hands are tied.
Intuition Is that you speaking?
IHC do you create coffins for the undead? Driving nails when insurance, politics and greed says to?

Swing that hammer wild child, Redirect your rumination. Use that to your advantage. -you may not be able to bring down the fort (manufacturer) but maybe you’ll bust free from the premature coffin you've been put in, before that final nail is driven.

It’s arbitrary.
End treatment
Who decides when that is wise?
Best interest
“more testing less therapy”
“slow at processing new information”
TBI
Brain fog
PTSD
Hide my vulnerabilities
Years of burying my TBI story because it is not acceptable.
Limited to 10 sessions

Do not take on what you will not treat fairly and appropriately,
you confirm that TBI and the problems associated are not only not acceptable but also not valid.
Not okay, IHC.

Triggered

The other day at work while I listened to one of the kids try to work over my boss, I was feeling things.
I was tired.
I was not involved in this conversation but it was bothering me.
Boss was handling it fine, but was he aware of how man-boy kid was trying to play on his vulnerabilities and kindness to protect himself?
Of course he was. I knew this
Why did I need this concern off my mind, maybe my chest?
I was tired and knew I needed sleep.
What was it though that was really bothering me about this situation?
For one is was becoming increasingly obvious that kid needed to be held accountable and face consequences for his actions.
But that was not really what was bothering me...
I felt worried about boss...
I genuinely did, but I also genuinely felt concern for  kid and the way kid was acting was not out of character nor was it inappropriate for his position and coming from.
So what was it that I was feeling that was bothering me?

I was feeling my own pain.
It was confusing my brain as I was witnessing this kids attempt to take advantage of, maybe even manipulate, bosses kindness and vulnerabilities to avoid the consequences of his actions.
I had been in that position before. Only I was supposed to be in the position of kid, the paying client trusting and needing added support, when, instead, I was being used as the support; manipulated and vulnerabilities played on by the person who was supposed to be in the position of boss over me. 

Watching this situation unfold hurt me. I was triggered.
I thought I had done all my breaking but I broke a little again or broke a little more as I heard how boss kept things de-escalated while being honest and keeping the kids wellbeing at the forefront of his mind.
My wellbeing was not at the forefront. My wellbeing was set aside and my kindness and vulnerabilities were played with to protect the man who was supposed to be in control.
I don't want to break anymore. I want to be done with this pain. I don't want his problems to be mine...
While I may have disagreed before I now know, when someone is in therapy they are so very vulnerable, so very broken, and so very trusting and the therapist is the one in the position of power. They never need to try and prove that power, to do so is likely an abuse of it.