Push backs or spiral thinking?

Pay attention to the push back was one of the lessons I learned from the book I recently loved, "Maybe You Should Talk to Someone."

Push back last night came fast and angry. I felt ganged up on.
I was in the wrong, but not entirely and not just me.

"but" -does that undermine my accepting responsibility?

I don't want to circle think, I don't want to be feeling so insecure and second guessing myself so much. But I feel there is something to the push back.
Am I bpd? Is my husband? both?
Or do I just loose too much mood stability when I am past my 80%?
Is it both? or all?
And what do I do about it?

clearly husband...
...nope, no clearly there.

Do I allow myself to visit the reasons for the explosive and angry push back directed at my whole family? Do I validate and justify my pain and frustration? Or am I a bad person?

I feel like I am not allowed to be human and make mistakes.
I feel confused about this.
I feel confused often about how the words that come out of peoples mouths do not match their actions. Do I do this too?

I think to be human may mean we are walking contradictions.

Last night I lashed out with words
I felt backed into a corner
I knew I had made mistakes and I knew that I was wrong when
I was being accused of attacking while I was feeling very attacked
I was tired

looking back it is so easy to see now how I should have, could have, even would have, handled both situations differently (last nights and the night before -what last nights was about),
but at the same time I think I feel more angry and frustrated than sorry.

And I know the common thread is me
which just makes me more angry

...Maybe that is to combat the sense of worthlessness that started to flare up again?
Do I just stop fighting the feelings and working to prove that I am not worthless?

Last night I said to myself "I don't want to feel like this and I don't want to keep fighting this fight"
but with that, the only thing I could see was leaving.

...leaving I'm still left with me
I'm always left with me
Which may be what hell really is
If I don't solve this
-this issue of being a me that is unlovable

...and now I will be judged "feeling sorry for myself" "victimizing myself" "trying to manipulate"

withhold judgement please, this blog is for being honest, this is my safe place, and those words are not the words I use when I push back.
Am I saying that in other ways? Am I trying to prove to others that I am what I am feeling?
Am I my feelings because I feel so intensely?

round and round I go like bacterium Borrelia burgdorferi

...In the end I am still left with me
the common thread
that can't seem to get it right in caring and communicating
-what am I fighting for?
I'm not fighting to win, I am fighting to survive.

Message Received

"You are not worth my time.
You are not worth working through things with.
You are not worth loving"
are such difficult messages received to work through
when they came from a therapist

-especially one that was absolutely
trusted
loved
admired-

This absolute reinforcement of  lack of worth
just keeps coming back to haunt

You only have as much value as you give yourself

I finally got to talk with the patient advocate in person. She is a lovely lady and I'm sure the lady with her was also but my attention was on the advocate I have been working with.
At times I am hard to understand and keep up with which is why I am especially glad my friend who is a a licensed therapist was able to come with me when I last minute thought to asked him.
He was able to point out things I have tried to point out but will not be seen, considered or listened to simply because it is me.
-It's funny how humans do this, we so often will not accept or allow a person to know or explain for themselves about themselves.-
Therapist friend was also able to communicate more effectively, including things I had not thought of or would not allow myself to, because he could take the emotions out and he did not have my built up frustration. He was also able to validate and understand why I keep coming at this impossible task.
-Sometimes we have to fight the fight, knowing we will likely loose, but fighting anyway because we have to prove to ourself that we are worth it- we have to stand up for what we truly believe in, even if no-one else does-
Therapist Friend could point out that this is not a case of "he said she said" like they would like it to be.
There is evidence and it is documented. and when looked at by others who understand the nature of a therapeutic relationship it is very clear that the "she saids" are symptomatic and evidence themselves.
... yet I am still that paradox of "these are my symptoms and my problems" while I am still trying to hide them. Not to mention that I don't want to accept them so I do all I can to get rid of or manage them while hiding and trying to talk about and not talk about them at the same time.
Maybe this is how I isolate myself?
Neurotic?
"You isolate yourself" came into friend and my conversation on the drive home.
Maybe I am okay there, safe there. Maybe my hurts from rejections are simply push back on my need to accept belonging in the world of doing so little alone and not belonging in the world of "together we can do so much."
Maybe I have craved that belonging so much that I have put too much value on it and maybe deep down inside I don't value it as much as I am believing I do or "should"
...It's a thought.
Still more, ever more, left to do in the figuring out of me I suppose. and yet I am caring less and less about just that.
Life is an adventure in so many forms and while this is one part of it, this not me in my entirety; Mostly I just find a lot of joy, beauty and meaning so easily and in so many very simple things. I love to love and that has been and is the most important thing for me to figure out.
Thanks for listening.
...Added 5/25:
 it nags
She said "you asked him if he wanted to talk about it"
No. I asked him "why" (actually "can I ask why?)
There is HUGE difference between those two questions and the fact that this is how I am being understood-which is misunderstood- really, really bothers me