a not-so-straight gait

I'm here to complain today.
but first I have a saying, and my kids hate it, so it must be a good one: "your not allowed to complain about it unless you are willing to do something about it."
but sometimes we complain because we aren't sure what to do about it. or even where to log our complaints. Sometimes we cause bigger problems by complaining... but now I am getting sidetracked into the philosophical unknowns that can turn into black holes
So I'll just complain.
My lower back sucks right now.
Walking again after so long of not and when some part of you is recovering from surgery is so much harder than I realized. Mine was just my ankle. A mere 2-3 inch scar that wraps the ankle bone is all that shows (not entirely true, it's swollen still and my calf muscle on that leg is still skinnier) Yet at 3 weeks able to walk again more things hurt now then did before or immediately after surgery.
My lower back hurts so bad and my heel, ankle, calf and all these muscles and parts of my foot, I didn't even know existed before, hurt. My gait is very off and has been for some time so it's throwing everything else off.
I'm so glad to be able to move again but I am still so limited in what I really can and can't do and it's hard to take it slow...and to not fall into the push crash cycle.
And here we go again, but really,
It's the story of my brain once again mirrored or parallel in some other form that is helping me to understand the life I have long been so confused about.
That stinking broken brain of mine, that was so grossly misunderstood, was throwing off my gait and making it hard to keep things straight.
Push, crash
and other seemingly simple concepts and problems to solve to the professionals become much harder to overcome when they are so deeply ingrained.
And hide.
Hide the symptoms because you are ashamed and you will be judged, or berated.
...or simply things like you won't be allowed to learn how to drive corvettes racing style at the Spring Mountain Motor Resort. Stinking ankle.
...I do wonder if just as the ankle -initial injury was overlooked and misunderstood- needs to get worse before it can get better the brain may also have needed to get worse before it could get better? Needed to be broken again in order to be reset correctly. Man, I hope this reset is better in the long run.

Awakenings to sane things

I am meeting with my accident attorney tomorrow. I had thought to fire him. I have not been easy for him these last few months. I had to asses my fears and the why's for them. I had to talk to him, have uncomfortable conversations. He was patient. I have sure needed that.
And in the end I have realized my fears are and were being fed also by my condition... I was in state of distrusting everyone. My lawyer was a friend from high school and I love him, because that is what I do, I love people, but it is not a romantic thing it's an appreciation thing. I am sorry for the hassle I have been for him.
And I see that I am still coming out of this.
My brain is a fascinating place.
I am hearing my conversation with my brother-in-law and wondering if it is time to switch medication. See someone more specialized.
I did not want to do that until I really understood what was going on and what had happened.
That is where my Neuropsychologist messed up. He lost objectivity with me and that combined with the dictates of the rules, policies and procedures of his profession resulted in a dangerous place for my mind. I think he could have managed except he was forced to follow all these rules that were meant to protect him but at my expense. I think I was right all along, and so was he. Except that he misunderstood me and the strengths and weaknesses I had at that time.
I am sorry for this. And I am sad for this and I am sad every time I know that I have lost him forever.

I asked my lawyer if he could look over my medical records with me, help me know if I even need to worry about it. My brain has been stressed and scared because it did not know what was happening. It was scared that I had crossed over into a irreconcilable place. I have not been the same, my mood and cognitive stamina are coming up short. Too many influences and voices have been playing with my mind. That has been a problem for me before. It was why I used to not watch television much or read too much. It is why church is often times not a safe place for me.
I am still coming out of this shock and heartbreak. I am still not completely understanding what happened to my brain and I know that he has the knowledge and expertise and he probably could explain this in is intellectual way from a neuropsychological perspective. But he can't for me or hw won't. And that still hurts. And it kills me that he does not understand me. He does not realize all along I mean no harm I just need to understand what is going on with my head. I need to fix it. It has to be solved. It would not be wise to continue in my madness and the only way to not is to figure it out and fix what I can.
I have digressed once again. But as I was looking over the concerns of my medical records. The ones I need to meet with my lawyer about, I know that I was wrong. I was misinterpreting so much so very incorrectly when I was broken, hurt and scared, when I was still somewhat straddling two worlds.
I am sorry. It is why I did not want to file a complaint. I knew I was not right in my brain and I did not have the help to do it. I am so sorry. I really was not ready to mourn that loss. I will maintain that he was helping me so much and exactly what I needed. His work with me still is what is helping me through. He was so good at letting me philosophically wander but then reigning me back in....
I miss him. and I have made a mess.
but I really was doing the best I could all things considered and that is the irony of it. I was wrong in who I distrusted, I was wrong in my interpretations of somethings and I knew this was a possibility that I needed clarification on but in my mind I could not risk what I was wrong about, so I was confused and confusing and the very things that I was wrong about made me difficult to help while being the evidence that I needed help.
And this, my friends, is why mania does not mix well with reality. Proof in the pudding that we think we have it more under control then we actually do not.

A Guide Denied

a lot of tears through a lot of years
but Depression
that was not my problem at that point
that was why "I think we are off track"
he got lost in the Tao
needed a spiritual guide
but that he denied
because he doesn't believe in forever anymore?
Depression
...satisfied with his life, if he died today he'd be okay
I was his drug
he needed a hug
further he's dug
...he needs a drug
And I don't know what to do,
I don't know how to help
because it was supposed to be about me
not he
literally and ethically
not that I cared
but that I dared
to mention reciprocity
and seek for clarification
and his professional explanation
for the dogs that needed fed
then inside my head
When my buried hell was flooding out of my broken box
breaking down my walls
...kicking down doors
words that I don't fully understand coming out of my mouth
a guide denied?