Equations for Chemistry

My drug of choice?
"What would solving accomplish for you?" asks now ex-concussion doctor
It's a fair question and I don't know.
It may be dependent on what "this" is. And while I am not so keen to try to "solve this" anymore I think I may still need to because in it lie answers that can help me stop repeating the same mistakes in relationships.
And yet the statement itself implies that it may not have been my mistake at all in his mind. which could be evidence of something that needs to be solved for the sake of others. or just simply that he is scared or frustrated by something else.
It is worth noting that the less I try to solve the more things just occur to me and then I find myself thinking on it; maybe because it is the drug of choice, maybe because it is a push back I need to pay attention to. I am not entirely sure, however I can say with surety: where I am now and how it affects me physically and emotionally is very different from where I was 7 months ago...when he was telling me not to try and solve this and when I was trying to obey but the need to solve was pushing back with monumental force. And I can also say with surety that our greatest weaknesses can be our greatest strengths. I am not sure how to utilize this one as such yet so I am letting myself explore naturally, paying attention to feelings and thoughts, and going with it if it feels calm or okay and shutting it off if it feels counterproductive... btw, this is also following his instructions for me (a complex psychological web and now I  slightly wonder "is this pathological") but to my point of coming on here and the exploration that my intuition is guiding; thoughts about the transference and countertransference issue found there way to the forefront -the waking up forefront- of my mind.
"Am I the threat, is employing institution the threat, or he is he the threat to himself?" I ask concussion doctor. I know it is not me "unless he is sexually frustrated and I bring that out in him, then I guess I am," I try to explain, and yet I'm not (the threat) because that is him and his issue, not me and mine.
It's funny how things like that then become your issue. If it's about you, even if it's not your issue, it really is, because it's about you after all.
I digress.
or maybe not
transference was happening.
and I still believe counter transference to. I believe there was testing of my transference that I resisted. I would not let him penetrate my thoughts the way you are supposed to allow your therapist to. I would not let him know my transference. because I was protecting? which may have back fired.
Separating from his ex-wife? he tried to avoid taking me on? I wouldn't let him in, though we had a meaningful connection or despite the fact that I obviously cared for him.
Is there something there with counter transference?
I remember thinking once, "I wonder who cheated on who?"
Not that it happened... But "I am not meant to be with just one women" a comment about his own frustration he had to come to terms with to help me realize I had to come to terms with my own frustration? Was I supposed to ask about those comments? probably. But I didn't. Naturally protective? I wondered but would not ask. It was the boundary I seemed to know I was not supposed to cross in therapy, that was his life and his business and I knew he would only share what he wanted to or felt was beneficial to me and since it was supposed to be about me and not him I knew better than to ask. I would likely only be disappointed. (Am I answering my questions I have been wondering now as I type it out?)
But my not asking amidst a pretty powerful transference, projected or reflected... that may have confused his psyche, especially if he really was sexually frustrated. Especially if I reminded him of his ex-wife or some other sexual interest in the past in anyway. Especially if ex-wife had been a with-holder. And maybe especially if that withholding led to/contributed to cheating.
So I wonder
could Sexually frustrated + withholding transference = countertransference + therapeutic disaster?
I tell you, conversation on this topic could be so fascinating and telling.
But, he is right, it could be potentially risky.
...I'd take the risk. why? because facing fears and taking risks make life just that (life) and a whole lot more.

Keep upkeep

I'm in the midst of a very complex psychological web and I need people who can keep up. Most people will not be able to keep up. If you find yourself offended by that last statement then you are one of those. And yet more will be offended by that following statement and you now may be in that category of "can't keep up." But if you have found none of those statements to raise any suspicion you may also be unable to keep up with me as well. And by this point my own suspicion at my potential arrogance has offended myself so now I can no longer keep up with myself... which is actually probably more true than we believe is possible thus putting all offended and non offended parties that could not keep up back to square one so try to keep up and know that it only matters if  you want it to. Besides I can't really keep up with myself half the time either.
Already, I have lost where I am going with this.
- and there goes a broken breath. It's this automatic deep breath that sounds and vibrates slightly similar to that automatic breath that happens when a person has been crying hard for awhile and their body is trying to soothe and regain composure, only I have not been (crying) and it comes rather automatically to me now when I am processing thoughts and emotions or at moments of re-centering. It's a tangent but also not because it is a fascinating physical effect of this complex psychological web.
It is now 3:05a.m. and I am certain I have been awake with my thoughts for at least one hour. I did not consider this writing until thoughts of how what is bothering me now is further peeling back those onion layers... when I thought there was nothing left to peel back. And these onion layers are still related so then how do I move forward constructively and not back? I didn't really think those thoughts exactly but that explains better whatever now lost thoughts I had that brought me to the idea of writing it out.
Next
try to follow
I know that getting up, getting on my laptop could be the very move that heads me down the rabbit hole of mania again. I need sleep and the lack of is the beginning of the end. Or the beginning of the beginning again. So I most certainly should not get on my laptop and stay up and start that cycle of insanity again.... Only now, because I thought that and it feels like an important piece of the puzzle to document and note so I don't forget; now I feel it more pressing to get up and write it out.
...I am in the midst of a very complex psychological web where the wrong answers may just be the right answers as my thoughts have naturally redirected me away from whatever brought me on here anyway.
I am strong and solid. I may have broken and I may still need work. The tears at work yesterday may be evidence that I am still more vulnerable than I care to admit, but ultimately, I improved in compartmentalizing and in keeping those tears in where and when I did not feel safe to let them out.
I also realized how much of a protector I naturally and/or instinctively am...  I actually do compromise myself to protect others and the psychology of it is kind of fascinating... so I guess I need to figure out what and how that needs to look for me and my health.

I gave up concussion doctor because of this complex web, it was hurting me. But it may hurt me even more to give her up... Yet, that is what they need. (including but not limited to he) the he that is becoming more and more humanlike while I embrace him as nothing more than a figment of my imagination.
Did you keep up?
...then you might be doing better than me