face to face

1/1/19 4:12 am
the travel back from Italy and time changes have our family so tired we came home and were in bed by 10 pm this New Years Eve. I have to work tomorrow too. Teaching snowboarding to preschoolers so I need the sleep. But now here I am awake again. unable sleep. This time it was the furnace that woke me but it is my predicament that is keeping me awake... too long awake, this time with tears... too many.. so I am trying the writing again.

I'm cycling through dangerous grounds now.
as my mind toys with the feelings of worthlessness and realizing how much of a burden I really am...
it's dangerous territory...
[should I post some no trespassing signs and stay out? or walk through it in order to face whatever creature is there?... the one that may be slowly and slyly wrapping its soft and familiar tentacles around me and pulling me in anyway]

Losing the one person in my life who seemed to have answers, seemed to know how to help me, and seemed to be able to care about me in ways I needed to be cared about is too harsh a blow right now and in my fatigue my mind keeps cycling back to things I've screwed up. I am aware that right now is a very easy time for me to cycle right back into old ways and negative thinking patterns and truly I don't want to so I am trying to stay out of the ruts... But my most trusted mentor that has been able to help me most effectively in getting out of those ruts wants nothing to do with me and I've lost him and I am supposed to keep pushing him out of my mind... somehow believing that I did nothing wrong.

...Obviously I did something wrong, or many things wrong. Where this mentor and mistaken friend is a licensed and trained therapist I am somehow supposed to be able to avoid self blame, but seriously, that is a ridiculous and ludicrous notion to believe that somehow it was all the therapist and not me that screwed up when I am obviously screwed up or I wouldn't have been there in the first place.
So this leads me into remembering that at one point I was able to find that empowering. Can I do that again? but the empowering fed a more severe reaction that likely screwed things up even more so is it best to avoid that?
I suppose what does it matter if it does lead to mania again, that would be nice to feel again... except without the heart pain. But I know better, I rarely come out of those episodes with out causing irreparable damage. It's not like in the movies, where people forgive and everyone is better for it, it is more, people are terrified of you for whatever reason and no longer want anything to do with you. Maybe they are not terrified at all but annoyed and needing to preserve themselves. I don't know what it is, because they don't/won't tell me and I am not on the other side. The most likely answer I have been given as of yet is that my pushing of boundaries makes people feel uncomfortable and/or angry.
Okay.
But why then do I also loose people when I am not in those crazy manic-like places? or am I there [or perceived there] more than I realize because I am more intense or extreme or whatever it is that I am?
Loosing people is a natural part of life?
that sucks
I hate that
And as abandoned as I feel why is it I want to do some abandoning myself?
I want to leave all that I have worked to build over the past 20 years. I had decided about a year ago that I was not going to think about leaving anymore because I had invested too much and my wavering mental commitment may be causing harm itself. But I am aware again and I am tired of feeling like a burden and I feel [again] so aware of how core values have been and continue to be compromised ... wondering if I am or have lost too much of me or if it is selfish to think that way at all especially since through it all I have also found and created new bits and pieces of me.
...it is a predicament.
I start with a new therapist tomorrow. and I'll try a different one next week... just to ensure "a good match." But I really don't want to find someone new at all. I like my old one, if that is all he can ever be for me... so its a predicament.
It hurts
and I guess thats life
but why does it have to be that way?
I am glad he has people looking out for him and "protecting" him but I am mad at those people too. I am mad at the ones he works with that will look out for him so completely at my expense. And maybe I am mad at him too for giving them all the credit and trust while I am left alone to figure this out all over again but now more complicated... I am not mad at him for looking out for himself just mad at the system for abandoning when they are supposed to be the ones to help people fix those issues, to protect... or at very least do no harm.**
and my anger only reinforces their fear of my being a liability, which I was not and am not.
...but I suppose I could become in order to live up to there expectations. (a topic I have found very fascinating, especially in the education world)
I don't think I will, but usually we don't know how we will react to life stressors until we are faced with them. Often we are very surprised by our feelings and reactions, and [like it or not] the expectations we put on each other can be a driving voodoo force.
You know this and I know that you do. "Please be careful with me... I am sensitive and I would like to stay that way"
To whom am I speaking to? Your guess is as good as mine
...but I do hope (and expect) that my awareness of it will keep me from becoming any kind of feared "liability."
I do wish more people would face their fears.
We are not so scary once we are faced.
Profoundly strengthening really. :)

Good night again morning.

**posted 7/11/20: At that point I felt like others were telling him how to handle me and that he needed to get rid of me. I felt as though some of the things he said and his good riddance email to me were likely influenced by those at his institution and/or flawed policies. I felt that some of the "tricks" he had tried with me were things he was told to do by others at his institution i.e. when he he looked at me and forcefully commanded me to, "stop emailing" him. He also had said things about how others needed him more, they had to turn people away, I didn't know the other side of things, and he questioned my "ability to pay." He had in a previous appointment also expressed some disappointment or disagreement with the expectations his institution had of him.

the circle of... life?... or is it madness

I am in a bit of an obsessive cycle, trying not to "solve this" while trying to solve this mess. Why did I break and why do I want so desperately to talk to my Dr. Perri Cherie? this may just turn into a very disjointed connected post but I'll let it be whatever it decides to be and whatever it turns itself into. I wasn't going to mention Dr. Cherie, I meant to focus on the repeats of patterns I am seeing as I have been reading through some previous posts.
I was going to come on here to say I think it is very likely that the head injury I suffered really is what has effected my mood stability so much. It took me a very long time to figure out how to stabilize my moods, how to utilize my neuroplasticity, and how to concurrently cope with the variety of other atypicals of my life, and over all I had reached a balance. It was maybe not the most healthy balance and there were definitely problems with the craftsmanship but I had at very least stabilized the major mood and insanity issues. Until I took another blow to the head.
It upset my stability. Knocked it out of balance again.
But this time, being older and wiser, having the luxury of a little more time on my hands, knowing the trials I had faced far too alone the first time and the major time, I was determined to put myself back to together with correctly guided professional help. So I sought out the best, which is more challenging than you realize when your brain is a mess and your emotions are out of whack. The very reason I needed good help are exact problems that make it challenging to find good help. But with some help, and exhausted determination (which means it takes more time) I found and continue to find good help. My vestibular therapist was amazing and I was seriously sad to leave her when it was time to be done. My chiropractor did such a good job with me and offered some emotional support so I likely stayed there too long but moved on easily, shutting that door when I realized this. But still they were the support I needed. I tried a few places that weren't a good fit. I had a few doctors that blew me off or just didn't want to be involved. Those likely contributed to my overlooking of symptoms, like my ankle that will actually require surgery if I ever hope to have it heal. Sometimes it was discouraging but I kept on looking as I knew I wasn't put back together right and I want to be. Along the way I was directed to not only a good psychologist but the best neuropsychologist in the area for head trauma related issues. Maybe I am bias, but I quickly saw how knowledgable he is and how good he really is at his job. He had the ability to help me; not only to help me put myself back together but to put myself together better then I had ever been. He was a dream come true, the reward to much effort, and the answer to many years of prayers. But something happened... I was too much and not enough at the same time. Too much crafted over too many years maybe, not enough obvious injury maybe? I am not sure. Yet I am sure I could ramble on and on about the endless possibilities and because I can do that I will likely hit on some truths along the way but I really would rather not. But something happened and I am not sure what or why.
So I am searching myself for answers and I am finding some repeat patterns. I am glad I have this forgotten blog to refer back to. It is helpful. Yet, I also know that I am very different. I have grown and matured a lot from some things I read while others I am still very much the same, but mostly I had become more of a balanced version of all of it, except that I maybe had lost a bit too much of my insanity. Or I had believed that I had. There are parts of me that I just need to embrace and accept better. I need to be okay with my perfectly imperfect self. Dr. Perri Cherie was teaching me that and how to, and constructively. Or at least that is what I thought. I was blocked and stubborn at times I am sure, but I also was protecting. Not me so much as him. I feel I am repeating myself now and am losing track of where I intended to go with my writing today... But I committed to letting it be whatever it turned out to be so if I am ruminating I suppose that is what needs to be, for a moment... And I will accept that so that I can move on. I am at times a slow processor but on that note, why would I be hard on myself for that when repetition and practice is how we learn? But repetition in the lonely brain is rumination and "counterproductive." Is it? Buddha says to question everything, and as one who often does I know that this can be exhausting and you then can become a black hole of knowledge. SO... This is why I crave talking to Perri Cherie so desperately. He had answers and he knew how to work with me and how to work me. Even if he was playing with me, I didn't mind because I like play and good things happen when we are allowed to play... But I never really thought or felt that he was playing with me in any way that was "inappropriate" or whatever and I still don't think it because I am "very intuitive" and I do sense those things... though I tend to be naive too, as I don't see myself as a threat or temptation to anyones moral integrity.
So I am really rambling and letting my thoughts work there way out. It feels neutral and safe inside of me at the moment so I will believe it is healthy. When I keep too much inside that is when things go off in unhealthy directions, when my head starts really getting screwed up, and when I really get stuck. So I will let this nonsense continue to flow and foolishly publish for the whole world to see because I know they won't anyway and I am allowed to be human, I am allowed to make mistakes, I am allowed to be me, and I am allowed to be free.
Dr. Perri is not allowed to be free and I am sad for him. I wish he would talk to me because I know he can still help me and I know that I could help him also. But that does not matter as I am allowed no influence there. That is a restriction that really bothers me. But it is. It is that restriction that seems to cause my brain to repeat some of the unhealthy patterns. But maybe it is that restriction that protects us both? I am open to that idea but I think it is wrong. It will take some convincing before I can believe it. I think it is wrong because it undermines me and the progress I have made. I think it is wrong because there are often exceptions to the rules and there are so many things that make this feel like an exception, but I don't like where my thoughts are going now, because it causes pain, so I will redirect.
hmmm... what were my original intentions. Oh yeah. Why did I break? Because I was already broken. because I was working so hard to hold broken pieces together when a lovely person who was also working to hold his broken pieces together bumped into me, or did I bump into him?.. I don't know, probably doesn't matter. But as broken pieces fell I think some of his broken pieces got mixed into mine as I tried to pick them up.
Poor man, he was so kind as he tried to help and to make sure I left with all my pieces, but in his startled rush he sent me off with some of his as well. I wonder if he realizes that he hasn't got all of his broken pieces now?
(This makes me laugh.
But still this story wants to keep going)
And though he tried to help me collect all of my pieces some of my pieces likely scattered into the nooks and crannies of his office where they are now lost from me forever.
His cleaning people will likely clean my pieces from his space and they will be out with the trash, forever forgotten by all but me.
I hope I will not need them. I feel like I do. But maybe I can put me back together with out them. Or maybe I will throw all my pieces out and start over.
I will not throw his pieces out though. I like the way they shine and I will keep them just in case he ever decides he needs/wants them back. It might be best to lock them out of sight and mind because I find their colors so mesmerizing and I wish to duplicate them when I cannot because I don't have the full formula. ...and as I think this I realize that because he does, he likely won't even need his pieces back... Oh what a lovely mystery he is. But I will keep them anyway, maybe to study and see if I can figure out the formula.
...But if I'd like to study them I suppose I will need to go to school and become a wizard myself and then I can pull these sorcerer's stones out when I have the correct wizarding guidance to study them; otherwise they may just cause me trouble.

...well now, that ended far more strangely than I expected. But it makes me laugh so there you go. I'll edit later... So who then am I posting for? I ask myself. I don't know, myself and anyone who cares to read me? why not just leave it unposted? umm.. because whats the fun in that? and besides the only way to truly fail is it never try, or to never put yourself out there in the first place.
and this is out there