Dear DOPL prelitigation panel IHC vs me

 DOPL Panel. Reviewing their bullshit decision in preparation for taking on the ... I can't find words vile enough to describe the creatures I am preparing to take on... and rage is rising. 

Rage that is born of necessity. The fight of life. To be so dismissed and dehumanized. To be treated with so much degradation in tone and declaration by people who are "highly qualified" and to know that these egregious egos are teaching others the same forms and levels of discrimination. 

It is more than I can bear. 

And the anger keeps my heart beating. keeps it from breaking and keeps me breathing. 

To deny myself of this rage would be to accept a defeat that is so demoralizing and so dehumanizing that a person becomes less then the dog shit left on the lawn waiting to be scooped and discarded so as not to taint the perfectly manicured palaces' of power and prominence. 

But I am not dog shit and treating me as such, while recognizing the fertilizing power of bullshit -your warped facade of caring-  does not protect you, your ego, your profession and especially not your patients. In fact you compromise all but your disgusting and fragile ego. 

I am angry and 

I am human. 

But you, you are the reason Suicide is going up, not down, and you are the demise of your patients, not the prize and not their savior. You are degradation and death. How much blood is are on your hands? Does your fragile ego feel threatened by this truth? Will you deny it and increase harm just to prove your power to yourself? 

I hate you, not me, and I am more human than you will ever be because at least I know what I am and what I am not and I do not use that to demean and dehumanize the marginalized. I do not blame and shame the innocent for the mistakes of my colleagues and comrades. I do not blame the cripple for his ailments. 

to stay quiet is too much because I, like Semmelweis, know the lives you are costing because of your blind ego and pride. 

Ramblings through the avenues of ...

 "It's going to be the same thing," I hear myself saying, "nobodies ever really what they say they are." 

Which I guess is what sets me apart. I really, genuinely am who I say I am and it is surprising how much that scares and confuses people.

Oh well. and I have come to realize that their fear, their distrust and their distortions of me are reflective of them and not me. They fear and distrust because they fear and distrust themselves, not me, as they work diligently to distort others perceptions of them. 

Being genuinely you can cause other problems too. Like being perceptive to attributes of others -that they may or may not want others to see or recognize about themselves- and then calling them out without even realizing you are doing it. But maybe this problem of mine is not due to my being genuinely me but rather due to knowing what it's like to be me and not me at the same time; a phenomenon you are not likely to recognize you are experiencing unless you have had a TBI or battled loosing your mind to mania or some other mental illness -that is just as much a physical illness and medical condition as any other physical or medical condition. TBI's also have a tendency to create lowered inhibitions in the survivor.

It's funny how the attribute of lowered inhibitions is so acceptable and excusable if you are drinking or if a person has worked for decades to achieve it while it is shunned and shamed in those who have this as a direct result of head trauma.

And so I ramble on today the many things that would like to be let out of my brilliant contained brain...

Which reminds me of a phenomenon-al notice I have recently re-noticed about APA (American Psychological Association) affiliated professionals and those in the counseling and psychology oriented professions and it is this: Their seems to be a craving and unspoken desire by those counselors and therapist to be the object of obsessive affection of one of their patient/clients. They brag and pride themselves in their "crazy" client that just could get enough of them and that they had to cut of in their confidently cold and calloused clout that they are beaming proud to own. It is really very interesting and surprising there has not been more conversation about how the therapist might subconsciously, and at times maybe even consciously, be first creating the craving and then punishing the vulnerable and highly susceptible patient for it. And I wonder how many therapists, counselors, etc have noticed or realized that the crazed patient may not really be as obsessed and possessed as their greedy needy therapists are claiming them to be after rejecting them for their therapist taught dependency and affection that rejection is sure to ignite. 

Brilliantly contained can often be hard to explain. Did you follow?

It's interesting and another phenomenon I'd sure like to research but one that would likely not garner much support for from the APA and those professionals whose need and crave being the object of obsessive affection. 

"I pity the fool"

 It saddens me how little regard IHC has for me as a patient and as a human being. It saddens me how calloused and condoning they are of serious unethical and even illegal behavior against patients. It hurts my heart and today I feel sad and slow for it. 

And why do I feel the need to publish these feelings and facts? When I know it is most likely the only people reading this are those who derive pleasure in knowing that they are succeeding in degrading me and beating me down. Those that will smile and think they are winning and getting close to causing me to cave with their cold, malicious and unethical approaches ... 

"Why?" I am asking myself out loud, "...do I feel the need to publish this?" 

Maybe I want them to know exactly what they are doing and the effect they are in fact having. Maybe knowing that they know helps me keep fighting. Maybe knowing that they know eases my mind and conscience before God and I am trusting that He will be the ultimate judge of their character and of how knowing this influenced their future actions against me and others. Maybe that is why.

Or maybe I am still foolishly hopeful that they will stop being such jerks to me or at least to others in the future if they know just how devastating their blows are... It's sad that this is a foolish belief. 

The world is weird to me and people are so weird to me in their desire to harm others ..and this is weighing me down right now. 

Just so you know. 

But to those who derive pleasure in the harm you know you have caused and continue to cause, someday it will catch up to you and I pity you for how bad you are going to feel when you finally understand or have to face the music for the harm you are causing and exactly what you are doing to people. I pity you and doubt you will fare so well. 

So good day and you have not won yet. 

The end is nigh at hand

 Discovery. 

It's a beast.

One of the people at USU, the only one who seemed to care and be trying to help at all wrote this in her report about me "My experience is that Erica likes to communicate verbally, as it helps her be heard, even if there is no resolution."

I have very strong feelings about this statement. 

1. I really care about the person who wrote this and believe she was one of few who was actually looking out for me so while I appreciate her intention I feel a bit betrayed by the stupidity of the logic. 

2. The stupidity of the logic may be a harsh way of saying that but at this moment I do not have better words available to me to illustrate what I am feeling and observing and what I am observing is this weird belief that I am speaking and fighting to be heard for the mere satisfaction of speaking. This in NOT the case. This weird belief that I didn't and don't need resolution is rather absurd.

3. Because I was and am only speaking so much because I absolutely need resolution.

4. To be heard with no resolution is not to be heard.

5. To be heard and dismissed and then ignored is degrading and dehumanizing

6. And this causes even more significant need to be heard

7. because then you are fighting for so much more than just to be heard. You are fighting for your value, liberties, and even your life. 

and I think I will end here

because there is not enough left in me today

Ride On

 Learning to listen to your body can be challenging. 

Today my body is insisting it is tired and it wants to sleep. More. But I don't want to and I have a lot I need to do. Which may actually be why it is saying it is tired. It's feeling a bit overwhelmed by all that needs to be done and all the people that need my thoughts and concerns, and thus I am spent before I even begin. 

Or is it because I spent a lot of time out working in the sun yesterday? Something that tends to wear most people out.

Or is it because I have not taken Adderall today? 

And that is an annoying aspect of my new disabilities. I feel like I need a drug to manage every aspect of homeostasis. I need lexapro to keep me out of the lows and anxiety, I need seroguel to keep me from going to high, having too much energy and becoming too big for my body and to make it so I can sleep, and then I need adderral to help me wake up, focus, and keep going in the day... That is strange. 

But I still feel very lucky that these medications work as well as they do for me and my mixed up body. I am grateful that I can and do function so well. 

On a somewhat related note, I got to ride that trail again with my husband. This time, although it was the same time of day, I did not experience the brain short-circuiting like I did last time. That was nice and I am glad that I can build up some tolerance. Of course my day before the ride looked quite a bit different then the day before the previous ride, but even still, I rode better and never felt like I was over-running my brains headlights. 

So life is good and that which I persist in doing is becoming easier. Not that the tasks themselves have changed but that my ability to do so is increasing and that is a good feeling.