Wind Rivers

 "She's a fighter, so no matter how far you think she ran, she ran farther." 

It's a line (or proximate) from the movie wind river. I am watching and 30 minutes in I have already researched and read information about the true story that this movie was "inspired by" and I am already choking back tears. 

It is not inspired by one true story but thousands of heartbreaking and disturbing true stories of horrific abuses and murders of Native American women. 

But it is representative of so much more than that and that becomes obvious right off the bat when the FBI agent expresses her concern with the being able to do anything legally if the coroner does not label the death of the girl as a murder, something he legally can't do because the technical cause of death was due to her lungs bursting because she was running away from her abusers in negative degree weather. Now we see some of the incredibly stupid problems with our government institutions. How hands are tied of those who really want to help and politics, fear, and crony relationships prevent others from doing the "right thing" and/or holding each other accountable. 

Then we see some of the problems related to extreme poverty, generations of discriminatory practices, and intergenerational trauma. (Specifically suffered by the Native American's which is significant and atrocious). 

Many problems.

And yet our law enforcement agencies spend time and resources filing charges against innocent people who are the actual "victims." Our systems are messed up and perpetuating the discrimination is NOT the answer.

Which is why I cannot personally tolerate it. But unlike in the movies and just like so many women and vulnerable people, I am far too alone in my fight and there are no hero's standing up to the bad guys for us. Especially the bad guys in power and the bad guys within the "good guys." Or are they simply cowards inside of "good' old boys?"

Driven to fight because I know my situation is representative of atrocities far worse than mine. 

Zero tolerance. 

It's the only way to end these truly atrocious global epidemics that are far worse than any viruses. So, even if I have to take on the government and the whole world alone, I will keep fighting until I have made enough noise that my fight is heard and I become powerful enough to stand up for and fight for others. 

 "She's a fighter, so no matter how far you think she ran, she ran farther."

And for those who keep dismissing the discrimination and acting as if there is not sufficient evidence to prove it please stop lying to yourselves. A person being criminally charged because a professor does not like them and because they had zero representation in the investigation against them for a potential (and only potential) threat (not even a criminal act) that it was known the accused did not commit is a pretty obvious form of discrimination and bias. Especially when the accuser, who is a person in a position of power over the person they are accusing, and the police fabricate evidence and claim the person to be guilty based solely on their assumptions about specific traits of the person -like gender, race, or, as in my case, ADA qualifying disabilities.  No crime was investigated by Officer Christensen or any other police officer at USU, but they did talk a lot about my mental health and made some very inaccurate, libel, and slanderous accusations against me based on solely on made up stories by a person with a title and their own misconceptions, biases and fears and/or ignorance. It's textbook discrimination.  

Expunging the dishonest practices of Cache County Prosecuting Attorneys.

 Demoralizing and degrading. That is what it is and how it feels when I have to call and order and pay for, out of my own pocket, expungement certificates in order to expunge my records of the charges that were maliciously, dishonestly and even illegally filed against me by Cache County. 

It stirs emotions and anger is one of them. 

There are several names for this and one is "intentional infliction of emotional distress" and they are intentionally doing it to already vulnerable demographics of people. 

... and just like with just about every situation of abuse, you know you (and your kid) are never the only one.

Freaking dirt bags

Time to blog it out...

I am grateful that I am so much stronger now. I am immensely grateful that I have a good medical/psychological team that I have been able to turn to and rely on. And though I wish I didn't need it I am beyond grateful for modern medicine and how effective it has been for me. I am glad to be strong again. I am glad to be past and over so many things...

but I am still broken. My brain is broken and that is not repairable or reversible. I have made peace with it and I have found many strengths and silver linings from and through it. But that does not fix what cannot be fixed and it does not change the past and circumstances that never should have occurred that created many other delicate scars. 

and it is time to blog it out again. 

I am working on organizing all of the documents and crap associated with the medical and psychological malpracticing of me. There is a lot. I felt strong and confident going into the task... but that fades as I go and it very literally hurts again. 

It hurts to see and read all the mishandlings, mislabelings, and degradations of me by those in the medical industry that I loved, trusted and needed so much. As strong and confident as I am, it still pulls me down and I start to feel week, sad and tired again. 

I will have to take my time. I will have to pace myself. The giant tears that are now rolling down my face confirm this. They are tears that have not spilled like this for a decent amount of time now. So slow I will have to go, with many breaks, to manage organizing all the many messes that were made of me by IHC. 

This is my fight song.

 "So many things are so screwed up right now," says my new carpool companion, "but there is nothing we can do about it," she adds.

"I'm trying anyway," I respond.

And I am. 

And you know what? It feels really good to be trying to and to be standing up for myself and others. I am working hard to be the change I wish to see in the world. I will keep working to help change the misconceptions, stigmas, mistreatment, etc. of very vulnerable, underrepresented, and misrepresented demographics of people.

We deserve fair treatment, respect, and equal opportunities. We deserve appropriate medical care and representation. We deserve equal access to education and equal protection of government, laws and courts. 

And it feels so much better to fight for it than to accept the degradation, prejudices, unfair and unethical treatment, and discrimination. 

A Fighting Chance

 "I look forward to working with you on this matter," is how the attorney representing IHC closes her email to me. Is she patronizing?

-Left hand tremor especially prevalent, evidence of TBI misdiagnosis, that named parties dismissed and ignored- 

It makes me shaky inside and out as I know, from my experiences thus far, that this attorney is really saying, "I look forward to destroying you"

and she might just as well add, "while collecting every penny and then some that should be provided to as reparation for the careless and then malicious malpractice." 

Of course, me being me, I hope this is not so and I wish to give her the benefit of the doubt, but my insides know better 

and this attorney and her firm will make unknown times more than I finally asked IHC to refund me when it became evident that I could not trust the services I had paid them for and would need to pay significantly more to actually determine what really was going on with my brain that was the subject of their malpractice. 

That gut, that instinct, coming from my experiences with them, that is what makes me shaky and, yes, I'll admit it, a bit scared, because experience has taught me that she is going to come after me like a blood thirsty hyena with no regard for what is true, fair, just, or that will help me in anyway. My insides know she intends to contribute to and increase further harm caused by my ex-medical providers -that nearly cost me my life and caused many other forms of harm to me and my family. I do not want to assume, but I also know I need to be prepared both mentally and physically for the worst and I suspect she will be just as ruthless and possibly more so than those I am trying to stand up to. 

So why bother with proceeding, you may be asking? 

Because sometimes you have do what is hard because it is the right thing to do. It does not happen very often in life to be truly faced with the opportunity and/or responsibility to do the right thing, but when it does, you cannot escape it. 

I have learned that too. 

One way or another, you have to choose and if you choose to ignore it, avoid it, escape it, "just let it go" etc, it will eat at you like cancer, destroying you slowly until you either choose to stand up for yourself and/or what you know to be right or it destroys you and most, if not all, of what you care about. A cancer that will eventually take your life one way or another through death or by turning you into the cancer that you will then cause to spread to others in ways similar to how it was spread to you. So when you are faced with one of those rare opportunities to do the right thing you have to choose or decay and death will choose for you.  

This is also how you know when you are doing the right thing and if it really matters. 

And clearly I am not alone, or this law firm (that I have been warned intends to destroy me) would not be in business, especially considering just how stacked the laws are in favor of said medical providers. 

It's going to wear on me. It's going to take a toll and I know it. It's going to be harder than I know and I have been warned by other providers about how ruthless they will be... I have already experienced it.

But that is literally why I am fighting this. Causing harm, then hiding it, then deliberately trying to destroy a person to cover up mistakes you made that caused harm to that person is the exact opposite of fair/ethical treatment and justice that our systems are supposed to be offering and protecting. The form and level of bullying and dishonesty that is coming from our medical providers, educational institutions, and legal systems is egregious. The misrepresentation and unfair treatment of people like me is archaic and exhausting. It is exhausting to watch, it is exhausting to experience, and it is exhausting to see it ignored, excused, justified, dismissed, etc. again and again and again. 

It is also heartbreaking.

Which is where I end. Both literally and figuratively. 

This fight will eventually get the best of me and I know it. My heart will eventually fail me and I know it because I feel it. But that is also why I fight- it fails either way but at least fighting, I might just make a difference and help others along the way as well- and maybe, just maybe, they will listen and my heart will be spared, even saved. 

Or maybe it will be good strength training for my heart and I will build its strength up so well that I may live longer with a higher quality of life. 

Maybe, through this, I will strengthen it enough to be able to fight for others whose hearts are still broken and being broken.  Suicide is on the rise and it is no wonder why. We need stronger hearts and our systems that are supposed to be helping need to be fixed. 

So, Dear Attorney, I will not lie or patronize thus I admit, I do not look forward to working with you but I do look forward to working on this matter and I will offer the benefit of the doubt, hoping that your words are sincere instead of patronizing

-because TBI survivor lives matter, people with bipolar matter, patients matter, justice and fairness matter, honesty matters, ethical and fair treatment of all patients matters, mental health and protecting it matters,  and I matter too. 

Sincerely,

Me