What is left in me anymore? 

Ringing in my ear.

I think to come on here, see if I can blog it out... but I keep freezing. Nothing left inside. 

used against me this very blog and my writing to survive

meant to hopefully help others 

.it is hard even to type. and my heart literally hurt as I typed the previous line.

a shell.

so many people

so much pain 

and suffering 

at the hands of each other

yet when I step out and try to help 

try to be the change I wish to see in the world

I am quickly reminded that I am not the change the world cares to see.

instead the change needs to happen to me?

Bury my story again? 

burn it up deep inside 

until all that I hide 

is cancer

or other illnesses that are acceptable outside, no need to hide, fight with pride through a miserable ride.

"I'll die of a heart attack" I say today 

because it cannot possibly keep holding up

. Surviving 

Not thriving

But safe in my space... never ever thought I would be the one who wants to stay home. who struggles to leave the house. Never ever thought that was even possible for me...

changing to be

what they want me to be

hidden

absent

quietly tucked away

out of sight out of mind

mind

you 

not my mind

tucked away

not for another day

simply just tucked away

hollow, sad, empty, hurting...

how many others are there like me?

and yet I am stuck, unable to help, because those in positions of power don't want me to... 

going for a walk.

legs are frozen.

they won't move me and my fingers keep stopping not wanting to move either. many frozen pauses. 

I am not a game. I am not your toy.  I am not a pawn on your board...

and yet

somehow

that is all that I am

and nothing more

disposable and replaceable 

and easily forgotten. 

turned away 

again and again.

...

...

...

no more pretty stories. no more fairytales. please quit feeding us your nonsense of fairness and fair play. Truth and justice, integrity and rights. they still just apply to those good'ol rich white guys. 

no spark.

will it come back?