A privilege and an honor

I am walking with my dog when I cross paths with a neighbor who is doing the same thing. We stop and chat for a moment. She asks me how I am. A simple question but one that is rarely asked in sincerity. Even so, I usually reflect on the question to some degree and I try to answer honestly. [One of the reasons I try to answer honestly is because it opens the door for the other person to talk and answer honestly should the need that time, space, conversation and/or concern from another person. If you are one who only ever answers with the expected "fine" or "good" then you would likely be surprised by how often others are grateful for and really need someone to listen to how they are actually doing]  

"Good," I say... "Well... at least, mostly good." 

She understands. We chat about a few things, mostly about the dogs, and then part ways. After that, as I walk, I reflect more on how I am. 

Truthfully, and in real time, I feel very fortunate and grateful that I have such a good life. I am grateful for my family and my husband who works so hard to support us, his family, and who contributes to and allows me to pursue the adventures I do. I am so grateful that I have a house, two amazing kids, and my health is as good as it is. I am so grateful and happy about so many things and I feel privileged and honored to have had so many of the experiences I have had. 

Privileged and honored. 

As I walk, I reflect on these two words because that is really how I feel about (and maybe especially about) some of the more bizarre experiences I have had. I feel privileged and honored to have had a glimpse into what it is like to experience some of the hardships others have experienced. I am grateful that I have only experienced them to the degree that I have. I feel it is a privilege to understand so many things TBI has helped me to understand. I feel it is an honor to be able to relate to some of the hardships certain classes and races of people experience due to the ignorant perceptions of others who are either ignorantly bias or deliberately bias. I could continue but the important point is that I don't want to view my burdens and struggles as just that and nothing more. I can and have changed my perceptions to see them as opportunities and education. I find it much more productive and helpful to embrace them and learn to work with them than to constantly be fighting them and wishing they weren't there. And I really do feel privileged and honored to have been given a glimpse into a variety of very real and very challenging struggles for so many different people from so many different demographics. 

Yet, this is also why I am only "mostly good."

 I want to use these experiences and insights to help others but I am severely restricted in my ability to so as I experience the reality of those ignorant biases when I try to help or when even I try to get my own needs met. The cycles of bias and discrimination are so much worse then I understood when I had my story buried so well before the car accident of 2017. I knew, which is why I buried my story, but I suppose I had hope that these things really had improved over time. At very least I hoped that the industry and those in charge of treating and educating others about the issues had learned to recognize and end their own biases and prejudices. I am sure that some have and I have had good experiences with some, but overall the responses and reactions to me, by those in those power positions, have been surprisingly negative and very heavily bias. 

Sadly, it seems, a large portion of providers and educators are all still surprisingly ignorant and often outright rude in spite of their extensive education of the issues. However, the worst part is how they use their education and titles to assist themselves in using the very conditions they are supposed to be helping to treat and/or address against the people who have them. They use conditions, labels, diagnosis's etc. to justify their unjustifiable and unethical treatment of the person who carries not only the label but the reality of the condition. It is very basic bigotry so you would think they would realize it and that it would not be so easy to get away with. However that is where we are as a society at this point in time; they use misconceptions, stigmas, stereotypes, biases and prejudice to their advantage and they get away with it. 

As I reflect on this I remember the girls I worked with, at Wet Seal, in the Palm Beach Gardens Mall when I was 18. I think of their cultural expectations and biases as I remember the story they told me of a girl they went to high school with who was raped multiple times by multiple people, to the point of requiring hospitalization, after she got drunk and passed out at a party. Disgusting and egregious offenses by multiple boys and all those who turned a blind eye to it. BUT the Florida girls I worked with blamed the girl for it. "She knows better then to get drunk at a party," the would say. Some even went so far as to say "it was her own fault." I could not believe my ears. The culture I was living in was so bias and warped in their views that they faulted the victim of horrific abuse for the abuses.  

Now I am not the victim of anything nearly as horrific but I wonder how often people have thought of me, "you brought it on yourself," because I now choose to talk about and be honest about my conditions that people so commonly discriminate against? I think of the investigating officer believing that I am guilty of a crime that did not actually happen and of the only offense that could even be perceived as criminal that I had no part in and no knowledge of simply because I write honestly here on this blog about the conditions I have had [the privilege and the honor] to struggle with. I think of the police and prosecuting attorneys who assumed I was guilty of the alleged crimes and how they filed charges without ever even talking to me because TBI was noted by those reporting, they found this blog, and because the alleged victim, a professor of psychology, made statements about me and specifically about mania that were intended to defame and discredit me, my efforts to heal and progress, and even my efforts to help others. The sad thing is: it worked and it worked so easily. What was obvious bias and prejudice, from a person who made it pretty clear they had ulterior motives, was easily accepted because it was from someone with perceived authority on my conditions and because I am a member of a class of people that are currently viewed as inferior. 

I shutter to think how many people failed to do their due diligence due to their prejudices and/or ignorance. It is disheartening to know how easily the actual problem could have been addressed, solved and resolved if those involved and those who knew about it had been operating objectively and fairly.

So, "mostly good" is really how I am because my heart is too broken by how impossible it seems to be for me to reach my full potential and to fulfill the "you will help so many people" hopes of those who understand that potential. I worry that those who have expressed that confidence will also loose hope and confidence in me as I suffer another set back from the exact human misconceptions, ignorance, and ego's I am trying to help correct for the benefit of those who are suffering so unfairly and so unnecessarily because of them.

And this is where I am at today as I hope and pray I will be given a chance by the next group of educators I am asking to give me a chance and to help me reach that potential. To me, my experiences in the Wonderland's of psychology, TBI and mental health have been a privilege and an honor. One that I have managed and mastered well and I would like to use that knowledge, those skills and that mastery to help others. I hope I will be given that chance. 

 What is left in me anymore? 

Ringing in my ear.

I think to come on here, see if I can blog it out... but I keep freezing. Nothing left inside. 

used against me this very blog and my writing to survive

meant to hopefully help others 

.it is hard even to type. and my heart literally hurt as I typed the previous line.

a shell.

so many people

so much pain 

and suffering 

at the hands of each other

yet when I step out and try to help 

try to be the change I wish to see in the world

I am quickly reminded that I am not the change the world cares to see.

instead the change needs to happen to me?

Bury my story again? 

burn it up deep inside 

until all that I hide 

is cancer

or other illnesses that are acceptable outside, no need to hide, fight with pride through a miserable ride.

"I'll die of a heart attack" I say today 

because it cannot possibly keep holding up

. Surviving 

Not thriving

But safe in my space... never ever thought I would be the one who wants to stay home. who struggles to leave the house. Never ever thought that was even possible for me...

changing to be

what they want me to be

hidden

absent

quietly tucked away

out of sight out of mind

mind

you 

not my mind

tucked away

not for another day

simply just tucked away

hollow, sad, empty, hurting...

how many others are there like me?

and yet I am stuck, unable to help, because those in positions of power don't want me to... 

going for a walk.

legs are frozen.

they won't move me and my fingers keep stopping not wanting to move either. many frozen pauses. 

I am not a game. I am not your toy.  I am not a pawn on your board...

and yet

somehow

that is all that I am

and nothing more

disposable and replaceable 

and easily forgotten. 

turned away 

again and again.

...

...

...

no more pretty stories. no more fairytales. please quit feeding us your nonsense of fairness and fair play. Truth and justice, integrity and rights. they still just apply to those good'ol rich white guys. 

no spark.

will it come back?

 

The System

 The system

And The Man.

Now I understand

the frustrations and complaints people have about them. It's not just cliches and it's not just freeloaders, nitpickers, fault finders or chronic complainers complaining; there are very real and very serious problems with so many of our systems and institutions. 

The Man- stick it to The Man has a whole new meaning to me now and I have new empathy, that I never could have understood before, for people who are abused by the system and The Man. It is so much more mental and emotionally challenging to handle then I ever would have thought. I struggle to get out of bed and to even try knowing how in vain my efforts have been, knowing how impossible it is to battle alone and how difficult it is to find any kind of honest advocate for you. Advocates and sphere of influence being the only real power you hold in fighting the systems and The Man. Two items the most vulnerable and least among us have very little of. Meek and lowly of heart have new meaning to me and I am not sure if I should fight or retreat and just survive... These hits are taking a toll on me. I am becoming increasingly socially awkward and my confidence in trying is diminishing. I see how messed up things are and I know how much potential I have to help, but as discrimination from The Systems continues doors shut even harder and tighter and I become even more and more reluctant to approach any doors at all...

I have new sympathy for other kinds of abuse as well. I cannot even imagine how much it would have screwed me up if I had been through some of the horrific abusive situations some of my friends and acquaintances have been through and to have those abuses ignored by parents, law enforcement, medical providers and others who are supposed to be in positions to help you. Yet, I am powerless to do anything about the abuses I have suffered or that others are suffering.  

Which is what makes the frustration and anger so deep and intense against The Man and The System. Powerful and prestigious ego's that will never understand because they have the power and the backing. And in their pretentious small minds they earned it while you did not. For cowards it is easy to believe that people are "innately fair" and that we get what we deserve when you are on the benefiting side of injustice and unfair.  

...I try to keep moving. I try to keep going. I try to keep fighting... but I just want to go back to sleep.  $4000 now we have had to pay in attorney's fee's just to stop the false accusations of unscrupulous people from getting any farther within our judicial system. Jobs and opportunities lost, added medical bills, lost productivity and ability to focus,... these problems and expenses become very and unjustifiably significant for the insignificant when The Man and the System decide to make them so. 

What I Notice and What I Feel

 My criminal defense attorney was kind of all over the place trying to figure out the best strategy in  representing me. In his defense, he usually deals with people who are guilty of the crimes alleged in some form or another and I was not. For me it was hard talking to him sometimes because one minute he would be telling me they should not have filed the charges and the next he was saying they had probable cause. 

But actually they did not. 

They had probable cause to investigate and probable cause to file charges against my son but they did not have probable cause based on reasonable suspicion to file charges against me. What they had was evidence that I was a victim and then they perpetuated that, thus making me a victim of themselves, the system, and, conceivably, a victim of my own son because he had made what was perceived to be a threatening phone call to the discriminating professor.  A phone call that I had no knowledge of until after I had been criminally charged and had hired an attorney. They did not even have a probable cause statement on the charging documents. The attorney had to call to get that information. Up to that point I knew nothing about a "threatening" phone call made by anyone. I was so shocked by this news when my attorney told me it, that at first I believed the professor created some sort of elaborate hoax to set me up. As the evidence was unveiled, we found out it had, in fact, been my son who made the call. 

Now what my son did was stupid and we do not condone it. I get mad at him when he makes stupid comments like he did on the phone call he made to the professor. However, he is a 15 year old boy, whose prefrontal cortex is not fully developed and, in a way, he was an indirect victim of this professor himself.  His case, when actually investigated, appears to be the case of a child of a victim acting out against the abusive source and then that child being further harmed by a system that appears to favors titles, egos, and money over truth and justice. 

Probable cause, to my criminal defense attorney, is debatable. He seems to think probable cause does not actually need to be based on reasonable suspicion because of how frequently charges are filed when the suspicions are not reasonable or not reasonably investigated first. So, then, once again, the ethical standards are not being upheld because of how frequently they are not upheld. It makes no sense, but this is what is happening. Or it is because those who are obligated to uphold them get away with not upholding them and are not held accountable. Here is a link to an excellent article about this: https://theappeal.org/prosecutorial-misconduct-jeff-adachi-commentary/

This is a repeat of bigger societal issues and problems. Problems with laws, rules, knowledge, policies, common sense, and even science, that each plainly state one thing and are in place to protect the innocent and vulnerable, but in reality are not practiced. Like the "terminating" of patients due to therapists' error; the client should not be blamed or punished, yet that is exactly what happens to them. Like IHC's patient rights that they do not honor. Like the licensing boards that rarely hold those paying for a license accountable. Like how teachers are expected to be held accountable for all the shortcomings of the parents, the media, and society; conditions which they have zero control over.... so many examples and it is sickening, saddening, and maddening...

...

"Reasonable" is an important and, arguably, a constitutional right here. It is something that prosecuting attorneys need to get back to. It is something they need to be held accountable for and a standard that they need to uphold, especially with police, investigators, and accusors. https://www.alllaw.com/articles/criminal/article1.asp This article points out the ethical responsibilities of the prosecuting attorney: 

"Prosecutors have an ethical duty to see that justice is done—which doesn’t necessarily mean winning a case. A prosecutor must consider the needs of the victim and society and make decisions based on the facts, the evidence, and the law. Prosecutors must also weigh the potential harm in wrongly pursuing a case or pursuing a case too soon.

Pressing charges against an innocent individual can wreak havoc on that person’s life. An arrest alone can result in jail time, taking that person away from their family responsibilities and livelihood. The loss of freedom and damage to a person’s reputation can’t be undone."

I would challenge you to put yourself in the shoes of myself, my husband, or my son and consider if the suspicions those filing charges' were reasonable. Was the suspicion that I was the mastermind behind the phone call my son made reasonable? If you do this you will find that it is not only an unreasonable suspicion but it is also an incredibly offensive one. Now, being in my shoes, you might feel very angry that: 

1. They assume you would do something so stupid and ridiculous. 

2. They are alleging/implying that your son isn't intelligent enough to figure out how to get the phone number on his own (that was the evidence used to support their "suspicion" that I was behind my son's wrongdoing) 

3. You are his parents and they never called you, never talked to you, and nobody ever stopped and thought, "hey, maybe we should call and talk to this kids parents." This is one hell of a way to find out your child did something stupid, needs correction, probably needs help, and is struggling more than you knew. 

4. The language from the accusing professor in the police report makes it clear that he does not like you, is discriminating against you, and even intended to fail you and yet they suspect you are victimizing him ...and through your son. Really? 

5. What is happening is a big part of the reason you went back to school. You wanted to bring an end to the victimizing and suffering others (and yourself) who are being stigmatized and discriminated against in such unfair, bias, and damaging ways and yet that is exactly what is happening and will likely prevent you from being able to even pursue the degree needed to help make those changes.  

Is this really how our criminal justice system works? 

It is far from reasonable to suspect a mother is behind her 15 year old boys foolish actions, especially when those actions would obviously cause significant harm to herself, her academic and career goals, and the child. It is far from reasonable to suspect the boy even meant harm without ever even talking to him when the statement he made was vague enough to possibly mean something else, like "karma will get you" (which is what he says he actually meant). It is far from reasonable to suspect a student would be behind an irrational pseudo-threat that was not made by them, especially, considering all the evidence that showed this student was trying to do everything they could to salvage their goal that the accusing professor was sabotaging and the student was going through the appropriate channels in an effort to holding the professor accountable for his blatant discrimination and/or bad teaching practices.

Due diligence was not done. 

Stereo-typing, stigmatizing and weird game playing was being done. 

And it is more than a touch annoying to sit and listen to your defense attorney kiss ass to the prosecution, that has no grounds for their accusations, simply because he knows they are the ones in the position of power, he has to play their games, and you are the one that is easily targeted and discriminated against. It is not easy to then be told that their "dismissing with no prejudice" is the best outcome we could hope for especially because your discriminated against demographic is so often and so easily wrongly charged and convicted. That is not encouraging, that is egregious. 

For the criminal defense attorney this is an easy victory, but for me and my family this is not a victory at all, it is merely surviving a beating. And "without prejudice," the jab of implying that we were not honest about how we handled the statement we asked our son to write, and no apology are all subtle threats being held over my head to keep me quiet and to try and keep me in my place. A threat, no-doubt, left lingering to scare me out of pursuing complaints against all of them, in their positions of power, who made mistakes and acted unreasonably and/or maliciously against me. It is their way of keeping me in the back of the bus where they think I belong. 

A friend sent me this image as a form of encouragement through all of this and I believe it fits well. I have learned a lot, but unfortunately they have mostly been heartbreaking lessons about realities that most people will once again ignore or will want to, in some way, fault me for because the truths and realities I have learned threaten their false senses of safety and security and the trust in the still have in the systems that are meant to protect us.  Thus some people will likely, once again, try to fault me for the storm that I did not create but that we are having to weather as a family and that I am trying to speak up about and warn others of.  

One of the huge problems this most recent series of event has both taught and reinforced is just how big of a problem victim shaming, blaming and re-victimizing really is in our US culture. For example if you read the Utah Criminal Code, you will see that the charge of stalking that was alleged against me is actually something they did to me. According to Utah Code (found here https://le.utah.gov/xcode/Title76/Chapter5/76-5-S106.5.html, )

"(2) A person is guilty of stalking who intentionally or knowingly engages in a course of conduct directed at a specific person and knows or should know that the course of conduct would cause a reasonable person:
(a) to fear for the person's own safety or the safety of a third person; or
(b) to suffer other emotional distress." 

Those involved should not be employed in the line of work they are in if they don't realize that any "reasonable person" would fear for their own safety and that of their families when criminal charges are filed against them the way they were against me; charges for someone else's actions that I (the accused) had no knowledge of. It was also very clear that filing charges against me would cause emotional distress to the boy who made the call, myself, and the rest of my family. Especially without ever even having a conversation with any of us about the allegations. They had evidence that our family was already distressed due to the actions of the accuser. They had zero evidence that I had any knowledge about the course of conduct someone else had engaged in that they were criminally charging me for. 

Please note: Once the professor took his discrimination so far as to accuse me of harassment for trying to contact him for reasons he had told us (the class) to contact him for and that I had attempted to contact him before but to which he had not responded to me about, I dropped his class and after that had no further contact with him. In class he had made it clear he had and was responding to other students. This straw, of being accused of harassment, that broke the camels back of my tolerating his discriminating behavior towards me, also triggered a PTSD response in me. Although I was trying to keep that burden from my son, he saw it and it caused him great concern. At first my son called to try and talk to the professor. Then he blocked his number and left the "threatening message" and his concern for me and the PTSD is probably why he said "You know what you did" and "you were in the wrong." However, after he made his foolish mistake, in his attempt to stand up for me, he never contacted or attempted to contact that professor again either... and he kept what he did so far hidden from us that by the time the charges were filed almost 2 months later, he had forgotten that he had done it. So stalking is an especially unreasonable charge against me because I had ceased all contact with the man without ever being asked or told to do so. To be perfectly clear, I was NEVER, not once, by any person, method, or entity, asked, told, directed or any other form instructed not to contact the professor. After it became clear he was not going to work with me or be fair I dropped his class and had no further contact and I did that on my own accord. 

Also understand this would have been an easy problem to address had it been addressed appropriately by calling us, his parents, in the first place. No phone records needed to be subpoenaed, no police or public time or resources needed to be wasted. All they needed to do was call us, his parents, when it was reported (which was actually 2 days after the call was made and very likely after or when the professor had been contacted by his department head on my behalf at my request in regards to the way he had been treating me. This speculation is also based on the fact that it was not the professor that reported the "threatening" phone call, rather the department head and it was initially reported, by that department head, that I had made the call. When the police interviewed the professor and listened to the recording the police learned it was not from me, and they judged it to be from an adolescent male. The professor then "clarified" that the first call, whose voice was the same as that of the second, had come from a number he had looked up and assumed to be associated with me because it was tied to my husband's name... this is the nicest, by far, the professor was in his regard of me as reported in the police report.)

* Permission from my son was granted for both publishing and sharing this article. He insists that permission has been given and is getting annoyed with me making sure he really is okay with it and is prepared to handle any possible outcomes, positive or negative. He also feels this conversation is important to be had and shared. (And I think I am one lucky mom) 

 

More corruptions

I am heartbroken once again by how corrupt and broken are systems are and how narcissistically dishonest so many people in positions of power are. This is what we have recently been facing: https://theappeal.org/prosecutorial-misconduct-jeff-adachi-commentary/ "They won’t face criminal consequences because even when their behavior rises to the level of illegality, their colleagues are unlikely to bring charges against them. And civil liability won’t work because prosecutors are essentially absolutely immune from civil suits."
Sadly this article about bad prosecuting is more informational about how common and problematic bad and unethical prosecuting is than it is helpful in regards to what you, the victim of it, can do about it. It seems there is nothing.
So even when the prosecution and those who filed the charges against you admit that they made a mistake and dropped the charges [but not without some last senseless jab to drive home their ill intent] there is no recourse. And the person/people behind all of it get away with something akin to bullying and further victimizing you by claiming to be the victim.
Then when charges are dismissed, your criminal defense attorney counts it as a victory, but you, the wrongly accused and actual victim of the accuser, don't feel much better. It is not a victory at all. It is simply surviving a beating and you and your family are out time, money, reputation, and physical and mental health.
This last semester I started school again hoping to pursue a graduate degree in psychology and to help "be the change you wish to see in the world" (Gandhi). Part of my goal was to challenge and help change negative stereotypes, stigmas, misconceptions, bias, prejudice and discrimination, but instead, all of those problems and the degree to which they are problems (within our societies cultures and institutions) were driven home. Further reminding me of why my initial TBI and associated problems had become a buried story. People can and do discriminate so easily and comfortably in their socially and culturally accepted biases and misconception and with so little thought in ways very similar to those who first asked, expected and then punished Rosa Parks for. Rosa Parks simply refused to accept being treated as inferior and for it she was criminalized. Believe it or not this same thing happens to people with TBI's and mental health issues all the time. I speak because it needs to change. We are not inferior nor are we criminals. Period.

overcoming bigotry

 My brain is tired and sad. I am tired. Somethings take a lot out of you. I am supposed to be over the shock of our most recent hit, but I am not. I am shocked by many. I am shocked by people in professions that I respected and have stood up for more times than I could count.

I feel drained and it is so hard to get up in the morning. 

The hope and encouragement of "you will help so many people," feeling like it is slipping away with every hit.

I hope I can actually overcome this one. I hope that this time things will actually end fairly and people will accept and/or be held accountable for their damaging mistakes and actions.

I try to stay positive. And I do.

But I am tired. 

Fortunately, a week or so ago, while checking email, I paid attention to one of the Quora.com messages. It contained a question that a person had asked about their therapist of nine years terminating them due to "negative transference." I feel for this person. One of my favorite answering psychotherapists gave yet another beautiful and sympathetic answer. But I still felt like the person might also benefit from an answer from their side of the couch. So I offered an honest, straightforward answer that I hope will help. https://qr.ae/pNVEGm here is the link if you care to read. 

So it was nice yesterday, when I was trying to go through emails for the purposes that are heartbreaking and exhausting, to see a new quora.com message stating that I had some upvotes and a reply to my comment. Already over 2 thousand people have read my answer. This means there are others. This means there really is a problem that I am trying to help people with. 

I was very happy to see that not only had I received upvotes but I had three appreciative comments. I helped at least three people by being honest and sharing my experience and knowledge. I am grateful, so grateful, for those comments. It reminds me why I keep going. It gives me some strength when I am feeling so weak and tired and when others are falsely accusing simply to try and save their own hide from their own mistakes. 

On another note of positive I have been thinking, if I don't make it into the PHD or the masters programs I applied for, at least I know I am in good company since they only accept 6-30% of the applicants. 

One more random side note: One thing that was nice about the crises of my imbalanced state that was being denied by the medical providers that were supposed to be my team, at least then I knew I was doing the best I could. Now I am a bit of a shadow and I hide, procrastinate and avoid much more than I care to admit. ...A pathetic case of learned helplessness after the beatings from those superior institutions and their prestigiously titled bigots. This is what I am working to overcome now and it is kind of funny to think that one silver-lining to that very serious crises I was in due to misdiagnosis and straight up malpractice, was that at least then I knew I was doing the very best I could. I held on and I survived despite their sacrificing me to the magnificent masterminds of the medical malpractice model... or just their careless and harsh reckless endangerment. Hah. 

Good night.